Almost Official

by Ruby Reade

  Her face changes when she clocks the boys at the bar. She abruptly turns around and gives the Mr and Mrs Dull a beaming smile.

  'Please excuse us.' She says to them and jabs me in the rib with a steel enforced fake nail.

  'Explain.' She spits in my ear, pulling me in close.

  'I don't understand babe. Explain what?' I ask smiling at her.

  'Oh, you know, Bodger and Badger over there. Your two idiot friends.' I look over and they are waving at us, already on their way to being very merry. She turns her back on them. 'I want you to explain how they got in here.' She puts her hands on her hips. I can see why her dad gives in so easily to her.

  'Well seeing as they are both over the age of eighteen, and allowed to go where they like, I assume they brought tickets and came along to support a friend in his hour of success.' I say folding my arms.

  'Oh fuck off Kevin.'

  I don't understand what her problem is, it's not like I invited Lucy.

  'What have I done?'

  'What haven't you done.'

  'Look, I really don't understand how this is my fault.' I put my hands on her bony shoulders trying to calm the situation down before her dad flies over.

  'Of course you don't. You're a man.' She shrugs herself out of my grip, and with perfect timing her dad pops up next to me.

  'Everything okay pumpkin?' He asks, shooting me a look.

  'Ask him.' She growls, stomping off, and leaves us staring at her back.

  'Hormones.' I say still watching her.

  'Remember our deal son, otherwise if I am left consoling my little girl, you may find your business down the pan.' He warns and then follows her.

  I close my eyes. Fan-fucking-tastic.

  'Oooh precious, you look like you could use this.' Luke's voice breaks into my waking nightmare. I gratefully take the double J.D and coke. I swallow the lot in one and hand him back the glass.

  'That's the right attitude mate.' Pete says slapping me on the back, nearly forcing it back up again.

  During a coughing fit I point at the bar and we all make our way over for another round.

  ***

  For the past two hours, the three of us have propped up the bar discussing all the deep and meaningful life questions. We have concluded that the reason you only get one sock back out of the washing machine when you know you put two in, is because there is a spiteful woman who goes around nicking them just to piss men off. What she doesn't realise is, we don't care about wearing odd socks. Most of us are grateful if they don't have holes in them.

  I have kept my back to the room, so I don't have to make eye contact with either Amy or Andy, and I know they won't come over while I'm with the boys. I feel safe and the whiskey has warmed my belly, so I am feeling pretty good right now.

  'Hopefully that prick will take her off your hands mate.' Luke nods over to Amy who is hanging off Matt.

  She keeps looking back at me to see if she is getting a reaction, so it doesn't look hopeful. She is using him, and he is using her for the free champagne she is chucking at him. Not that she isn't pretty or shaggable. She is just boring and after a while highly irritating to be around. If she decides that he is a better option than me, that would make my night.

  'Piss.' I say loudly pointing at my crotch. I walk off in the direction of the men’s.

  I sigh when I close the door behind me. The doors buffer the effect of the music on my ears and it feels like heaven. I stop for a second to enjoy the break. I lurch over to the urinals.

  The lighting around them is like a computer game and each time you piss in them it flashes a light show. I nod and smile at myself knowing I'm a genius and these are a great touch.

  'He shoots, he scores.' I shout waving my left arm in victory. The movement nearly puts me on the floor. The lights blur and refocus again. Am I still pissing?

  I jump as the door opens but manage to control the stream. Zipping up I turn around and come face to face with Matt.

  'Watching you tonight has cleared up why all of your girlfriends decide to come to me.' He says, his face blurring and coming back into focus again as I stop swaying. I look him up and down wondering, not for the first time tonight, who wears a white suit anymore. He looks like a right tool.

  'Hey, if you want my leftovers mate.' I can't quite pull off a smug look while I have my drunk smile and crossed eyes.

  'They are only leftovers if you had already finished with them, mate.' He tries his luck.

  'The problem is, they find out you have a baby cock and you can't keep hold of them.'

  Pete barges in interrupting us. 'Come on Kev, Luke is licking the ice sculpture and I want to see if he gets his tongue stuck.' He vanishes as quick as he appeared.

  'Sorry, duty calls.' I shrug.

  'I would shake your hand but I'm certain you have pissed on them.' He says screwing up his nose.

  'Don't worry mate.' I wipe my hands down the front of his suit. 'I think it's just water.' I say and almost trip myself up as I walk out of the door.

  I stumble in the direction of where a crowd is gathering. I assume this is where Luke is performing. I have got to see this.

  Amy stops me in my tracks. 'Get. Your. Friend. Out. Of. Here. Now.' She shouts at me pointing at the crowd.

  'It's alright babe, just a bit of fun. The crowd is loving it.' I tell her peeling her fingers off my arm and leave her standing there.

  I can feel her hot breath on my neck as she catches up with me.

  'It's not a bit of fun, he is making me look a joke.'

  'But Amy, you always look like this.' I say not looking at her.

  'It didn't stick. It didn't stick.' I can hear Pete shouting. I missed it now. The crowd is stepping back and applauding Luke who is bowing.

  'That's all folks, come again next week. Same time, same place.' He bows again. The audience is starting to disperse back around the room.

  'Kate. Baby. Over here. I'm a fucking legend.' Luke is shouting behind me. I turn around and see the girls walking in the entrance. Well all them apart from Lucy who has been stopped by the bouncers.

  I start to walk over but catch Amy's dad's watchful gaze. I might be wasted but even in this state, I know that walking over to Lucy with him watching is asking for trouble. I alter my course and head straight for him instead.

  'Andy my man, how's it going?' I ask slapping him on the back. Judging from his expression, and the way he sprayed his drink over the lady next to him, I think I might have used a bit too much force.

  'Where is Amy?' He asks wiping his suit down, not looking up at me or noticing the lady's horrified face.

  'It's like this.' I put my arm around him and steer him to face the other direction. 'You see Amy is over there.' I point at her and he sees her welded to Matt's side. Her arms are draped over him and he is whispering in her ear, making her smile.

  'Who the bloody hell is that?' I don't know if he is more annoyed Amy has her sights on someone else, or if he is disgusted at Matt's ridiculous suit.

  'That my friend, is the end of me and Amy. So, if you don't mind, I would very much like to collect my check for a fantastic job well done. The place looks awesome, it is done to spec and at a high standard. The launch has gone perfectly. And as you can see Amy is very happy which is what you wanted.'

  'But I thought she liked you?' He is looking from me back to Amy and Matt, then back to me again.

  'You win some, you lose some, so the saying goes.'

  'Yes indeed.' His eyes narrow when he sees Amy run her hand over Matt's stomach.

  'Cash or cheque, I will accept either.' I prompt him.

  'Oh right, yes of course.' He looks at me as if he has just woken up naked next to me. He grabs another envelope from his inside pocket and passes it over, looking back at Amy again as he lets go of it.

  'Lovely doing business with you sir.' I salute him.

  'I'm sure.' Not looking at me, in his world I no longer exist, and that is fine by me. I kiss the envelope and put it straight into m
y pocket. I could almost kiss Matt for saving me. I shudder and head straight back to the bar before anymore nasty thoughts can surface. I obviously have a bad batch of braincells that need to be demolished.

  The shots are lined up along the ice bar, I can finally relax and celebrate. I pick up a Brain Damage, the creator clearly has a sick sense of humour. I chuck it down my throat. B52 next. I pick it up but catch Lucy chatting to some guy in the bar, so they let her in then. I pour the drink but forget to open my mouth. It takes a second before I realise, I have poured it all down my top.

  Pete pushes another glass in my hand, not even noticing my little accident. I try to peel my shirt from my skin, but it has suctioned on and gone see through.

  Lucy walks past us and I hand my drink back to Pete and jog after her.

  'Lucy. Lucy.' I shout dodging eager gamblers. 'Hey Lucy, wait up.' I shout again. She keeps walking but I know she has heard me because everyone else near her is turning around.

  'Lucy stop a second. Everyone is looking at us.'

  'You should be used to that, all the girls looking at you.' She says looking back and rolling her eyes. I have caught up with her now.

  'Oh don't be ridiculous. Would you please talk to me for a second?' I ask catching my breath.

  'Why don't you ask Amy, or one of your other little tarts for a chat.' She points at Amy who is standing on her own now. She is motionless and really looks like a statue. 'Your bit on the side is free now. Off you run.' She tells me and resumes her sprint to the toilets.

  'Lucy.'

  'Kevin.'

  'Lucy I am trying to tell you I don't want her. I want you. I know you have a problem with the whole me and Amy situation but...'

  'Kevin.' She stops dead and spins to face me again. 'It's not me, it's you.' She pushes the toilet door open.

  'What?' I shout using my foot to stop the door shutting on me.

  'I said it's not me, it's you. As in, you are the problem. Look Kev, you're saying all of the right things, but your actions don't back it up.' She points over at Amy as if she is exhibit A in a courtroom.

  I move my foot and let the door shut.

  I am getting too old for this shit.

  Chapter 34

  Lucy

  I pull the toilet lid down and collapse on top of it. My head is spinning, and not only due to the number of cocktails I have drunk. Although, they probably haven't helped.

  I can't believe the cheek of that man. I shake my head and set off another trip on the roundabout. This time it is the alcohol taking effect.

  I must stop drinking. Every time, me plus men, plus alcohol, ends in a whole world of trouble.

  I lean my forehead on the toilet roll holder, and the spinning quickly subsides.

  'Hello, my name is Lucy Holmes, and I am addicted to fucked up men.' I mumble to myself.

  'Lucy?' Jen calls out.

  'Yeah, in here.' I manage to choke out through a wave of hiccoughs.

  'Oh god, I saw you get into it with Kev, so I thought I had better check you are okay.'

  'Yeah, yeah I'm fine. Go back to the party.' I wave her away even though she can't see me.

  'Let me in.' She demands knocking on the door.

  'Honestly go back to Pete.' I say unable to move.

  'Lucy, this isn't just about you. You're my excuse to escape. He is in there, trashed and trying to perform the full Monty with Luke. There are two bouncers trying their best to keep the boy’s clothes on, and then there is Amy and her clones giving icy looks. I need to get out of there, and that is where you come in. Now open the door.' She knocks again.

  'If you were drunk you would have been the one to suggest they do it.' I say making her chuckle.

  'What are you doing in here? Open the door.’ She asks listening to me banging about.

  'Trying to get out of here. I think the door is stuck. The way this is going I am going to have to climb over the door.'

  'I know you probably have already, but try turning the lock the other way.' Jen says. It's bloody stupid because it's the wrong way and might break it more.

  'No.' I roll my eyes at her behind the door.

  'Please, Lucy, try turning the lock the other way.' She tells me again.

  'Okay, okay but it won't work.'

  'Just try.' She insists.

  I lean forward and give it a go. It slides over easily. It swings open revealing Jen standing there with a smug grin.

  'What would I do without you?' I ask grinning back at her.

  'Be stuck in a toilet all night, and what the hell happened to your face?' She grabs my arm and drags me over to the sinks. She attacks me with sponges and makeup brushes, quickly completing a hasty repair job.

  'That will do.' She nods to herself and turns me to face the mirror.

  'Time to face the music.' I say to my reflection.

  Stepping out of the toilets, we are engulfed in music and noise.

  'Bloody hell. Someone got happy with the volume button.' I shout at her.

  I scan the room to make sure there is no sign of Kevin waiting for me. I see Laura over at the bar with Satan, he is all over her. He is disgusting. He was all over Amy earlier and now he has moved on again. What is she playing at? I start to march over there and rescue her, but Jen's vice grip keeps me tethered to her side.

  'But...' I point over to Satan seducing Laura. She shakes her head and takes me in the direction of the bar.

  I look over my shoulder and watch as she flicks her hair and giggles when he says something in her ear. Oh Laura, what are you doing? She must be trashed to be falling for that routine.

  'Are you seeing this?' I shout at Jenny, holding out both hands.

  'She is big enough to sort herself out and she could do with a little fun. We have more important things to do.'

  'Oh yeah and what's that?' What is more important than saving Laura right now?

  'We are finding you a new man tonight. It's the only way to move forward, and when Kev sees you with someone else, he will have to move on as well.' I spin to face her.

  'I don't want a new man. I don't want any man.' I shout at her to make sure she hears me. I plant myself onto a barstool and grip on so even if she tries, she won't be able to move me.

  'Oh come on Lucy, look, that man over there is well fit.' She points at some skinny, hideous, dishevelled looking bloke leaning against the bar.

  'Are you serious? What is wrong with you? He is gross.'

  'No, not him, he is gross, that one.' She points at the guy standing a bit behind him, and oh my god her hormones must have sent her mental.

  'Are you fucking crazy? He is worse than the other one.'

  'Oh no, hang on, I have to go and stop Pete. Stay here and try and find someone you like then.' She points her finger in my face, and then goes over to the commotion that is drawing a crowd.

  I watch her rush over to the crowd. Obviously Kev is over there, and Amy is desperately trying to cling onto him. Satan has probably pissed her off when he moved onto Laura.

  I turn around and try to catch the bartender’s eye.

  Thankfully none of those guys are my problem.

  ***

  'I am sick of being pregnant.' Jen shouts, back from trying to sort Pete out. She climbs onto the barstool next to me and rests her hands on her stomach when she gets settled.

  She spins around and we both watch the bouncers trying to sort the boys out. It won't be long before they have had enough and chuck them out of here.

  'Look at me, here I am feeling like a rabid, three-legged dog, and there he is acting as if he hasn't got a care in the world.' She spins back to face the bar, knocking several drinks over as she does.

  'Hey.' The bartender calls out.

  'What?' She growls, stopping him in his tracks. He clocks her belly and makes a hasty retreat.

  'Jen, your crazy bitch hormones are starting to take over again.' I tell her.

  'I know, I know. I can't help it, I feel like crap, I have sore boobs and cramps in my belly. Ye
t there he is on another planet, and you know, I am going to have to try and get him home somehow.' I watch Pete crashing into tables and it looks like he is dancing, but I think he is really trying to keep himself standing. My problems don't seem quite as bad.

  'Just think, soon you will have a beautiful baby and it will all be worth it.' I try to console her.

  'I know you're trying to help, but I am more terrified of the baby getting here. I don't think I can handle it. I am not your typical mother material. What if I can't.'

  Glasses smashing interrupts us.

  Pete in the last five minutes, had somehow gone to sleep on top of a table. When he rolled over, he tipped the table, taking all the glasses crashing to the floor with him.

  'Right, that's my signal to get him home.' She slides off the barstool and gives me a kiss on each cheek.

  'Be careful.' I say to her.

  We both watch Pete, who since being startled awake by the floor getting up and hitting him, has suddenly got a new lease of life and is marching to the exit.

  'Oh for god sake.' Jen says rushing after him.

  I need another toilet break.

  I step down, but my bottom half is drunker than my top half, so I sink straight to my knees. I try to hold in the giggles. I'm so glad Jen didn't see this. Another wave of giggles threatens to explode.

  I try to get up. It's useless, I feel weaker from laughing.

  Suddenly I am up on my feet. There are two men helping me up. I look from one arm to the other, each one has a man attached to it. Now I know I'm not exactly stick thin, but really? It takes two men to help me?

  I am trying to work out what is going on before I realise I am being taken outside. They must be taking me to get some air.

  'Thank you I am fine now.' I say in my best sober voice, basically I try to sound like the queen and am very loud. They raise their eyebrows and look at each other. 'Honestly, you can let go.' I tell them.

  They both slowly step back from me, the same way you do when you are playing Jenga. Very slowly and worrying that the tower will crumble. I nod at them. See told you.