Almost Official

by Ruby Reade

  I turn, which is nearly my undoing, and then manage to walk to the toilets. I push the door too hard making it slam against the wall. I nearly crash into Laura who is standing in the middle of the room.

  'Whoah. Sorry Laura didn't see you there.' I giggle.

  She grabs me and pushes me into a cubicle. I fall back onto the toilet. Laura locks the door and stands up blocking me in.

  'Okay. So this is different.' I say wondering what's up with her.

  'I need to tell you a few truths, and I want to make sure you are listening to me.' She looks mental but is doing a good job of sobering me up.

  'Go for it.' I shrug. She has clearly drunk too much herself. I sit back and wait, there isn't a lot more I can do seeing as she has me barricaded in here.

  'I have been sleeping with Matt for the past year.' She says.

  'Satan? What the fuck?' Pops out.

  'Matt.' She corrects me and slumps against the door.

  'But why?' I can't work out what's going on. I thought he was trying it on with her earlier. How did I not know this?

  'I think I love him.' She starts crying. I stand up and pull her into a hug, not sure what else to do.

  'Matt?' I mouth over her shoulder. What is she thinking?

  'I thought he loved me as well. He kept saying he would leave Beth when she is more stable. The usual old shit men tell you when they want to have their cake and eat it. He told me she was mentally unwell, and he couldn't just leave you know.' She steps back and rubs the backs of her hands over her cheeks.

  'When he slept with you, I ended it for obvious reasons. Even I'm not that much of a mug to put up with more other women.' She lets out a shaky laugh, looking at me through her lashes.

  'You know I had no idea about you two, right? Why didn't you tell me?' I ask hoping she knows I didn't do it deliberately.

  'Oh, I know that. I thought he had sucked you in as well because of how he affects me.' She says. She leans back against the cubicle door again.

  The thought makes me shudder. The man is a toad. I only slept with him because I was so drunk, I barely knew my own name. How the hell did he manage to make my beautiful Laura fall in love with him? I don't see how he won her over. He is hideous.

  'I don't know how I feel anymore.' She sighs squeezing past me to sit on the toilet. It makes me feel less claustrophobic.

  'Listen men are strange creatures and have no idea the shit they cause. I hate to admit it, but I'm still in love with Kev, not that I tell him that. The thing between me and Sa... I mean Matt, was just a confidence thing for me because I know that he doesn't love me back.' I shrug at her. 'Why are men so complicated hey?' I ask smiling down at her.

  'You mean why are men such arseholes?' She gives me a small smile back.

  The toilet next to us flushes reminding me that everyone can hear us.

  'Let's get out of here.' I say to her holding out my hand.

  Back in the main room I stop to look around for everyone. They all seem to have vanished. I turn back to talk to Laura, but she has gone too. Then I see Satan got his claws into her as soon as we left the toilets.

  I'm on my own again. Right, quick walk round, if I can't see anyone then I'm going home.

  After a once over of the Casino, my legs and feet are on fire, there isn't any sight of anyone, and I have had enough. Home time.

  'Hey.' Kev dives at me out of nowhere.

  'Hey.' I reply still walking.

  'Come back to mine for a coffee. I want to show you where I'm living.' He says.

  'I don't like coffee. You should know that after two years.' I remind him. I don't slow my pace. I want to be at home right now.

  'Well tea then.' He tries again. He grabs both my arms to stop me walking.

  'Let's be honest Kev, we both know it's not just tea you're offering.' I say trying to slip past him.

  'Huh. I'm offended. He gives me his trademark wink and grin hoping to get his own way as usual.

  'You're full of yourself, aren't you?' I can't help but laugh. Unfortunately for me and countless other women, he has a natural charm about him.

  'No, but you want to be full of me don't you?' He winks again laughing.

  'Bye Kevin.' I say wiggling my fingers and running out the door.

  Getting down the stairs proves to be a mammoth task. My legs scream with pain every time I bend them. I am so grateful to get to the bottom. Outside, at the taxi rank there is only three other couples before me, so fingers crossed I should be home within the next fifteen minutes.

  Leaning on the lamppost, I take it in turns to rest my feet. It feels like heaven. I wriggle my toes, and then swap feet.

  I see Kevin sauntering over in my direction. I put my head down and hope he takes the hint and keeps walking.

  'Lucy.' Obviously I'm not that lucky.

  'Hmmm?' I look up and then look back down again, trying to send him another hint.

  'Can I talk to you for a minute?' He asks as three taxis pull up at the same time. They must be like buses.

  'Not really, bye Kevin.' I answer and jump into the back of my taxi. He opens the front passenger door and climbs in next to the driver.

  'Kev?' For fuck sake.

  'What?' He turns around in his seat to look at me grinning.

  'Urgh.' I shout in frustration. I throw myself into the backseat.

  'So, you brought him with you this time?' The taxi driver says, smiling at me in the mirror. He was the one who took me back to Kevin's before.

  'Yeah I have him under the thumb now.' I say rolling my eyes at him.

  Kevin frowns at me and gives the man his address. I frown back but can't be bothered to argue. Old habits, as they say, die hard.

  Chapter 35

  Lucy

  The taxi pulls away leaving me stranded with Kev. I'm not sure why I came here.

  I could have made the driver drop him off and carried on home. Instead I turned into a zombie with no mind of my own and got out of the car.

  'Are you coming in?' He has opened the front door and is looking at me. I am still standing at the gate. For my own sanity the right answer is no. He walks inside and I find myself following him in anyway.

  I shut the door behind me. I can hear him in the kitchen clanging glasses and opening the fridge. He is pouring us both a glass of wine. Standing in the doorway watching him, I wonder if he brought the wine expecting to bring Amy back after the launch for a cosy night in.

  'This is Kate’s, but I'll replace it in the morning. I'm sure she won't mind.' He says answering my unsaid question. I nod.

  'Right, so I'll stay for a quick glass and then I had better be off, I've got lots of important, umm, things to sort out in the morning.' I say swaying slightly. I rub my hands together to give them something to do.

  'Really? You mean like watching daytime television, and deciding whether to get dressed or not? You have such a hard life.' He says laughing at me.

  'I'll have you know I have a Hen Do to plan, wedding stuff to do with Kate, not to mention job hunting and now I'm expected to clean the house while I'm off.' I try to fold my arms but end up pouring half of my wine down my arm instead. At least I can leave a bit quicker. I shouldn't have come in here.

  'I was only joking with you. When you came back here, I assumed you wanted to spend time with me, I didn't think you would be planning your exit as soon as you got in the door.' He says putting his glass down heavily.

  'No, you assumed I was coming here and didn't give me much option.' I say putting my glass down with equal force. He surprises me by starting to laugh.

  'You're so funny when you're angry. If anyone could see us now having a random standoff, slamming glasses and lots of angry looks.' I half smile at him, I'm still annoyed, more so because he always knows how to calm me down.

  'Look, how about we pour these away, go and settle down in the front room with a cup of tea, put a film on and chill out. We get to spend some time together and then I can drive you home in the morning so you can get on with
all of those important things you need to do.'

  'That sounds nice, it sounds really nice.' I say feeling all the fight in me vanishing at the thought of a nice cuddle on the sofa and chatting as if nothing had ever happened. I didn't realise how much I missed this. Missed us. He can be so nice when it’s just us.

  'Go on then, go and grab a seat, I will be in in a minute.' He points to the door. I smile and feel like I can relax for the first time in what seems like years.

  As soon as I sit down, sleepiness is creeping up on me. I'll shut my eyes for a minute.

  Kevin sits next to me. My eyes stay shut. With minimal effort I manage to find his shoulder to rest my head on. I feel him kiss the top of my head. I listen to him flicking through the T.V channels. He has the sound so low it sounds like gentle humming. I can feel myself starting to drift.

  His hands move to my head. He carefully slides out my hair clips. It's instant relief. His touch sends tingles down my spine, and Goosebumps pop up on my arms.

  It all feels so familiar and normal. Oh god I miss this.

  'I do still love you.' He whispers into my hair. His hands move down to massage my neck. Everything seems dreamlike and fuzzy.

  'Love you too.' I mumble back. I almost jump out of my skin at the sound of my voice. I freeze. Did I dream that last bit? I must have been asleep. Surely, I didn't say that out loud.

  'Easy.' He says carrying on massaging my neck. I start relaxing again. His hands move down my back.

  'I think we owe it to ourselves to give it one last shot.' He kisses my neck, leaning us back into the sofa.

  'I just need to go to the toilet.' I say jumping up. I stop and look at him. All he does is raise his eyebrows. I grab my bag and make a dart for the bathroom.

  I shut the door and fall to my knees.

  I am freaking out.

  This is all too familiar. Familiar in a nice way, but it's too much of a mind fuck. It's like nothing has changed. In reality, everything has changed.

  'Fuck. Fuck.'

  'You alright in there Lucy?' Kevin whispers through the door.

  'Yes, fine. Everything is fine. I dropped my mascara. Go and wait in the front room, I won't be a minute.' I reassure him. Searching through my bag for a pen and paper I make do with an eye liner and serviette.

  Kevin, I am so sorry to bail on you like this. Staying here with you tonight doesn't feel right because we haven't sorted anything out. I had to leave because I don't want to make things worse or do something we will regret. I need to sort my head out, it felt so normal and familiar on the sofa with you that it would have been easy to stay, but it needs to be right, Lucy xxx

  I'm not sure about the note, but it's the only serviette I have, and it's done now. I open the door quietly. I pause to listen for him walking about, but I can only hear the muted television. I creep along the hallway and place the note on the floor outside the front room door. I grab my shoes thanking my foresight to leave them at the front door. I carefully open the door and sneak out with my shoes and bag safely tucked under my arm. I freeze when it clicks loudly behind me. No other sound follows, and so I run down the road barefoot.

  When I get around the corner, I feel safe enough to put my shoes on. I look back down his road half expecting him to be running behind me. I pull my phone out of my bag and turn it off in case he rings. My breathing is slowing down and my heart has stopped pounding. I hurry home taking a different route, so he won't spot me if he comes after me.

  Finally, home and in my room, I get my phone back out to see how many times he has called. I hope he hasn't sent me any nasty messages. I brace myself as it loads up. Nothing. He hasn't even called once. Not even a message checking I'm home okay. I check the signal and hold it up to the window to see if that makes a difference.

  I expected something. I wanted him to say I was right to leave. That he wanted to sort it out properly. I thought he would at least be angry I didn't talk to him and just left. I wanted him to phone and say he loved me and to take all the time I needed.

  Instead, I got nothing.

  I flop back onto my bed and stare at the ceiling.

  I keep replaying over what I wrote in my head. I didn't write anything offensive. I told him it wouldn't sort anything out if I had stayed there, which it wouldn't. I didn't say I didn't want to stay.

  He must have just been after getting his leg over after that bimbo moved onto someone else. How many times this year am I going to be treated like an idiot and do nothing about it?

  It's nearly four in the morning, I feel sober and have the start of a headache forming. I close my eyes.

  I can only assume he doesn't think I am worth fighting for and didn't mean a word of what he said.

  ***

  I wake up in last night’s clothes. My phone is imprinted onto my face and I have a cramp in my neck. I'm not in the best of moods when Jen wakes me up jumping on my bed.

  'What. You. Doing?' I ask when I manage to unstick my tongue from the roof of my mouth.

  'Oh Pete is just too tragic. He is lying there hungover and moaning and wanting a slave. Honestly, it should be the other way around. He should be running around after me. I told him to get his act together and get me a ring, then I walked out.' She seems pleased with herself and I'm in no fit state to argue.

  'Now I'm stuck with you?' I moan and shove my head back under the covers.

  'What's your problem then?'

  'Kevin.'

  'Kevin? I thought you told him straight at the Casino last night.'

  'I did, then it all went tits up and I ended up back at his. He told me he still loved me, we started cuddling on the sofa, and then I sneaked out and haven't heard from him since.'

  'Fuck.'

  'Yeah, fuck.'

  'Why did you walk out? I thought you said he told you he still loves you?'

  'He did and it all felt so normal, but that's what the problem is, it all just sort of slipped back into the familiar and nothing was sorted out.'

  'Don't take this the wrong way because you know I am always on your side. But can I just say wounded male pride? How many times has he kept coming back and each time you tell him it won't work? He will only try for so long. He might think you're playing games.' She leans over to hug me and soften the blow.

  'I left a note.' I tell her.

  'Look, I could be completely wrong here. I was only saying that's how it might come across.' She pats my leg and then walks out of the room. Presumably to stop making me feel any worse than I do now.

  I hope he doesn't think I'm playing games. I wouldn't have the energy for it.

  Men.

  And they have the cheek to say we're complicated.

  I need to move on and stop thinking about him. Sod the wedding and hen party plans. For now, I need to sleep this hangover off and hopefully by the time I wake up then the alcohol will have left my brain and I won't be so bothered about what Kevin does, or doesn't think about me.

  Chapter 36

  Kevin

  I walk into the Dogs with sunglasses covering my red eyes, a hat and half a bottle of aftershave to try and stop the waft of alcohol that keeps hitting me.

  I see Luke and Pete already huddled in a corner booth looking just as rough, each holding an orange juice.

  I grab a pint of Pepsi and head over. Hopefully the sugar and caffeine might help.

  'It's too much.' Pete groans. He slumps forward resting his head on the sticky table, knocking his glasses half off.

  Luke doesn't respond and I can't tell if his eyes are open behind his glasses, or if he has fallen asleep sitting up.

  I slam both hands down on the table making them jump. It used the last of my energy, but it was worth it. I would smile if I knew it wouldn't hurt so much.

  'What a night.' Pete says and I can't tell if he is happy or moaning about it.

  'Tell me about it. Kate all but disowned me in the cab and told me I'm an embarrassment.' He laughs and shakes his head. 'I thought you had done an Alan and drugged me. I cou
ldn't remember a damn thing. Kate had to tell me what happened.' He laughs again and takes his sunglasses off.

  'Trust me Kate hates me enough without me drugging you.' I say making him laugh again.

  'She wouldn't have believed me anyway. Pete told her that I had done it to him and already used my excuse, so I was on a loser before I started.' He laughs.

  'I like how you decide that I'm that Alan freak, just about sums up how I feel about myself.' I say concentrating on ripping bear mats into shapes on the table.

  'Jen doesn't hate you more than she hates any man at the minute. Hormones. You know how it is, I can't do anything right.' Pete tries to reassure me. 'Apparently I am also an embarrassment and she said she hopes the baby takes after me in name only, so it's not just you.' He shrugs and picks up his orange juice.

  'Women.' Luke says, it's all he needs to say. We all nod in silent agreement. Bloody women.

  'Well, you're the one attaching yourself to one of the creatures next weekend mate.' I remind him with a smile.

  'Talking of that, I hope you have the stag do sorted seeing as you won't tell me anything about it. I have to admit I am getting pretty nervous now. In fact, I'm more nervous about that than the day itself.' He tells me, leaning forward, hoping I will give him a hint in my weakened state. No chance.

  'Don't you lose one wink of sleep mate, no one knows anything yet.' I say knowing that I am not making him feel any better. I give him a wink for good measure.

  'Please don't wink at me, I hate it when you do that. It makes me freak out.' He drops his head into his hands. He knows me too well and this part for me is the best bit, watching him stew over it.

  Mind you I should get sorted and start getting it on track. It's not like it is going to take much, a shit load of booze, printed t-shirts, and some strippers and it is done. Oh, and some tape, rope and marker pens to tie the night off.

  At least he won't be able to run away and have last minute jitters if he is tied up and waiting for her. I am doing her a favour really.