Almost Official

by Ruby Reade

  'Drink up.' I mouth at them. I can feel my voice going and the shouting isn't working too well anyway.

  I drain my drink and feel the warmth work its way down to my stomach. Instantly I start to feel better again.

  Jen grabs my hand. It's time to go. We form a chain so that we can pull each other out before we get lost in the crowd. It is like sinking mud and at any moment we could get sucked back in and lost. Jen's grip is fierce. I can feel the bones crunching in my hand.

  The moment we escape the Banana Bar is heaven and I am pretty sure that none of us will be making a return trip anytime soon.

  'Luce darling, I have to say that was pretty awful but well done for trying. Onwards and upwards.' Kate says wrapping her arm around my neck nearly toppling us over.

  'Here, here.' Cheers Laura. 'A small blip in what is to be a totally awesome night. Now let's go and get trashed. Oh, apart from you two.' She says pointing at Jenny and the bump. Jenny sticks her tongue out at her.

  'Come on then ladies we are about to kick it up a notch.' I grin and pull out a much-needed fag for the journey.

  'I wish the limo could have stayed with us all night.' Laura moans with each small step she takes. Hobbling along she looks like she is recovering from a sex marathon.

  'Don't you bloody dare moan. Have you seen my shoes?' Kate demands.

  'Hey, pregnant lady here who is sober with swollen ankles and balls of agony for feet. All I want to do is get into my dressing gown, eat vast quantities of bread, have a cup of tea and get into bed.' Jen tells it like it is. 'Instead I am here having fun with you lot, so I need you to drink more, suck it up and get into the party spirit. And just to cheer me up I need you to do dares whilst we get to our next destination.' She throws down the gauntlet.

  'Where are we going anyway?' Laura asks.

  'Chaos. I thought we should go somewhere tried and tested, where the bar staff know us and will forgive our awful behaviour.' I wiggle my eyebrows.

  'Right so here it goes. Kate, I dare you to get a piggy back from a random man.' Jen points at Kate who groans at her.

  'Lucy, you have to get the word salmon into every conversation you have for the rest of the night.' She smiles at me. Someone is finally enjoying themselves.

  'Not you three though?' I check.

  'No, but everyone else including the bar staff and bouncers.' She chuckles. 'Laura. Hmmm, what to do with you?' She is frowning. You can see the thoughts changing her face.

  'What? For god sake what? Please don't make me do anything stupid.' She pleads hiding her face behind her hands.

  'Got it. You have to hit on every bouncer we come across and tell them that you love them and are looking for someone to marry.' She claps herself and does the smallest jump I have seen. If you can't drink, I guess you need to make your fun in any way you can.

  'Oh bloody hell. Mine is the worst. I can't do that she huffs.' She starts to hobble off in an uneven mess.

  'Don't be so ridiculous. As if you can't do that. You are a legend at making men fall at your feet. It will be a piece of piss. By the way, I think I have found my lucky bloke, so I am off to do my dare. You lot better keep up.' Kate points a finger at each of us sounding more like her usual sober self. She will make a great mum. Her kids will be regimented.

  I watch her march off towards a group of men I recognise from the gym. They are all about eighteen, and act like twats so will be perfect for the dare.

  We all watch her do her thing and within thirty seconds she is on the ringleaders back. He runs past us at speed while Kate is screaming and laughing.

  'Quick. Catch up.' She shouts at us as she whizzes past and nearly loses her balance.

  'We should sign her up for bull riding.' I say flicking my fag and preparing myself to run after them.

  We rush after her and catch up with the rest of the boys, but Kate and the ringleader are too far off in the distance.

  'This is a Hen do.' One of the twat heads wittily points out and receives an eye roll from each of us.

  'Really? I thought we were salmon fishing.' I say and wink at the girls. Strike one.

  'Are you all bridesmaids then?' He asks.

  ‘And are any of you single?’ His mate shouts over.

  'Just me, although she wanted me to wear salmon, so I had to refuse.' I answer the first guy with a straight face. He is starting to look very confused now. Strike two.

  'What do you do then?' He tries to steer the conversation onto easier ground.

  'I work in a coffee shop that mainly serves salmon.' I say barely holding in a grin.

  He nods at me and walks off shaking his head. That got rid of him.

  'Come on ladies Kate's in the queue already. Let's get our arses down there now.' I say picking up the pace.

  'My feet though. Oh my feet hurt. I can't go any faster I swear it.' Laura wails hobbling along. I reach out and let her lean on me. I catch Jen's eye and she does a dramatic eye roll to let me know what she thinks of Laura's feet. I think she might call it a night soon.

  'Stop moaning. Just think, the sooner we get there, the sooner you can order a drink and forget all about your feet.' I remind her. I have to half drag her down the road to catch up with Kate.

  'You finally made it then.' Kate says throwing her arms out triumphantly. 'Did you see me do my dare?' She asks grinning ear to ear.

  'I did, I did. Hey what happened to your tail?' I ask when she turns around and I see her bunny tail has vanished.

  'He said I was like Cinderella and the tail was like my glass slipper so that he can find me if I don't get married tomorrow.' She shrugs at me before getting distracted by Laura's dramatic act.

  'I'm so pleased we are here. I need a double something and a bucket of ice.' She says leaning against the wall for support.

  We get to the door and I can't wait to get inside and keep the party going. We are all on the descent again and started to deflate. As we start to edge in the bouncer stops us in our tracks. 'Not tonight ladies.' He says putting his hands up to block us.

  'You what?' Kate asks stepping closer to him. 'We are on my Hen party and we want to come in.' She prods him in the shoulder with each word to illustrate her point.

  'You lot are too drunk to come in. This is how you should look when you're leaving.' He says and folds his arms. His face is set and there looks like there is no arguing with him.

  'I'll handle this.' Laura says walking over to him. 'Hello sexy.' She wraps an arm around his steroid pumped neck. 'You see, the thing is it's my friend’s hen party and she is getting married tomorrow. You know what they say about girls getting married? They are super horny and the guys in there will just love us all dressed as bunnies.' We stand back and watch her work her magic. She leans in even closer and strokes his cheek. 'I am looking for a sexy husband to father my children.' She whispers the last part into his ear and puts a finger on his lips.

  'You're not coming in.' He says unmoved by Laura's flirting. His arms are still crossed, and his face hasn't changed.

  'For fuck sake. You ugly pig. You should be so bloody lucky and what gives you the right to be such an arsehole? It's probably all the steroids melting your brain.' Uh oh, she is on the turn. This could get messy.

  Kate is laughing so hard she bends over double and steps back into the queue rope and manages to do a backwards somersault landing flat on her back. All I can do is shake my head and laugh. She will feel that in the morning.

  'So, we're not coming in then?' I ask one last time.

  'No. You're not.' He says and grabs his stupid clipboard out and turns his back on us.

  'Right.' What do we do now? This is fast turning into a disaster. The wheels are off the train.

  Laura and Jen drag Kate to her feet.

  'I have a schecret shtassh.' Kate slurs, whipping out a bottle of vodka from her bag.

  'Why is this the first we're hearing about it?' I ask and nudge her, nearly sending her toppling back to the ground. I grab the back of her bunny suit to save her from more
pain.

  I take a large mouthful before a hand appears from nowhere to grab it from me.

  'Don't hog it. My medical needs are greater than yours.' Laura says. We watch as she pours nearly half the bottle down her throat. She hits her lips and squints her eyes. 'Yeah baby. That is it.' She shouts doing a weird little dance. Her feet are clearly revived.

  'You are a compete fucking moron. I mean I know you're a man but a grow a braincell you twat.' Jen shouts down the phone. I raise my eyebrows at her and wait for her to tell us what I assume Pete has done wrong now.

  'Pete told me to call him so he knew I was ok, so I did what he asked and he is about a million times drunker than last week. He is spouting some shit about being stuck in a room with no windows and doors. He said he doesn't think he will be able to come home unless a helicopter comes to airlift him out of it.' She is pacing up and down hitting her phone into her hand. 'I told him not to bother coming home anyway.'

  'He isn't in one of those escape rooms, is he?' I ask.

  'Don't be daft he is plastered and can't see properly. It's not fair I'm fat and pregnant while that dick is drunk and probably dancing with loads of pretty skinny girls.' She starts crying and we all huddle around her. 'It's too much.' She snorts into my ear.

  Laura leans over to kiss her on the check and doesn't notice Jen's tears smear half of her makeup down her face. Luckily, she is too drunk to notice or care.

  We get Jen into a cab.

  'Are you sure you don't want us to come with you?' I ask for the millionth time. I hate her going home on her own.

  'Lucy for god sake stop asking. I want to go home and go to bed. Please just have a good time and make sure that everyone gets home safely.' She says shutting the door. We watch the cab pull away until it turns into the next road.

  'Ladies, it's like this, the only place we can go is Revival. It's time to get into the eighties spirit, dance our arses off and get properly drunk.' I say. This is going to be the turning point.

  We successfully get into the club and head straight to the bar. It's packed but not rammed like the Banana Bar. Madonna is playing and everyone is dressed up. I run to the bar and order a round of Screaming Orgasm's and black Sambucca’s. They sell leg warmers, glow sticks, neon headbands and flashing necklaces so obviously I get us all one of each. Once we are suitably dressed for the place and drinks in hand, we finally head for the dance floor. My grin is firmly in place.

  It is just the right kind of busy. I have enough space to make my moves but it's busy enough that I don't feel like a wally. I look around and see Laura has perfected a dance that doesn't involve moving her feet - a lot of grinding and arm waving, while Kate is leaning her top half on the wall and moving her bottom half with no regard to the rhythm or beat.

  Some random man makes his way over and keeps trying to invade our circle. He isn't having much luck so far, but with the amount of effort on his part it's only a matter of time.

  'What do you want?' I shout at him trying to block him coming any closer. He looks over his shoulder, then turns back and carries on dancing towards me. I let out a big sigh. 'Well?' I try again giving him a look.

  'Just dancing.' He says trying to grind against me. Urgh. A swift palm in his face stops him in his tracks.

  'That. Is. Not. How. We. Dance.' I shout over the music holding my hands up again.

  'Okay, okay. How do we dance?' He asks stepping back.

  I smile and start doing the running man. I have to hand it to him and give him an A for effort. He is trying to keep up but his belly makes any kind of jumping motion hard and he is quickly puffing and red in the face.

  Laura is straight by my side getting him to do lunges whilst winking and pointing at people. I just hope his trousers don't split. Credit where credit’s due, he is up for a laugh.

  Kate helps us to finish the routine by getting him to do squats while she screams 'Feel the burn ladies. One more set.' In a flash I am eighteen again and the three of us getting groups of random’s to preform our Alcoholics Aerobics routine.

  This night is the best.

  'I love you two.' Kate shouts.

  'Love you too.' We shout back.

  Something silver and gleaming catches my eye and I am off. The night needs a little something extra and I have just found it. I climb up onto the caged podium which has a pole in the centre. I am home. I feel sexy and on fire. I see Kate and Laura have squeezed into the other cage. I wink at them and wave. I am ready to dance and swing my tail off.

  One hand grips the pole, but the drink in my other hand stops me getting a good hold. Before I know it, I am swinging around and heading back down faster than I should be.

  Shit. I don't think this is ri-

  And nothing.

  Chapter 38

  Kevin

  Luke falls out of the casino doors when Pete helps me to forcefully drag him away from the tables.

  Drew meanwhile, is about as useful as a three legged donkey and stands by watching us struggle.

  'Ish gone. All gone. Wedding off.' Luke is flinging his arms and legs all over the place. What happened inside is finally sinking into his stubborn, drink fuddled, bloody head.

  Pete is clinging onto his shirt sleeve. He looks up at me, then at Luke, and back up to me. He shakes his head and I nod in agreement. We both let go at the same time. Miraculously for a split second he manages to stand on his own. Suddenly, his legs give way and he is on his arse.

  'If you hadn't been a dick and insisted your luck would change because it was your destiny, then you would still have your honeymoon money. Now stop moaning and get a grip for fuck sake. Get up.' I tell him a few home truths before offering my hand.

  Drew is still no help and Pete has walked off on the phone again. Because of his situation he is the only one allowed a phone out tonight, but this must be the sixth phone call and he is taking the piss now.

  'Pete. Get off that fucking phone now unless she is in hospital.' I shout marching over to him. He puts his hand over it and waves me away.

  Stopping in my tracks I throw my arms up and turn back.

  'I give up. Seriously, I give up.' I go and sit on the curb next to the groom-to-be who is lying in the gutter contemplating his royal fuck up and the end of his marriage before it has even begun.

  'You want a fag?' Drew offers me his pack. I realised something tonight, I can't be bothered to hate him anymore. I'm tired and just want to go home.

  'Cheers.' I thank him and take one.

  'You look like you needed that.' He says watching me. I nod at him, trying to enjoy a minute of peace and quiet while I figure out how to revive the night before it's dead and buried.

  'Look, I wanted to say sorry about the whole Lucy thing. You're right I was jealous, I did like her, but it was more I wanted to be with someone after Leah you know. I shouldn't have shat on you like that.'

  'Forget about it. Yes, you was a prick about it but me and Lucy had more than enough problems before all that happened. If I'm honest, it wouldn't have happened if I had treated her better in the first place. I don't know I'm chatting shit now.' I stop talking and concentrate on smoking.

  'You? Talking shit? That makes a change sweetness.' Luke mumbles from the gutter.

  I catch Drew's eye and we both laugh at the state of him curled up on the floor.

  'I'm in trouble again.' Pete says making his way back towards us. He drops down next to me. 'What's that smell?' He asks grabbing his nose.

  'Luke.' Drew answers with me.

  'Urgh that is gross.' He says covering his nose with his arm. 'I knew I should have turned my bloody phone off.' He says letting some of the smell in. He quickly makes sure his nose is covered again.

  'It is not me mate. I had a shower.' Luke tries to sit up and gets halfway there. He shakes his head and flops back again.

  'It is you.' Drew tells him and leans over to pat him.

  'Great. I have no money. No honeymoon and because of that no wedding, and now, I stink.'

  'C
heer up cupcake, it could be worse,' Drew says pointing at Pete. 'You could be him and dealing with the walking hormone.' He points at Pete.

  'Fucking hormones. It's like living with a volatile volcano and every day you pray it doesn't erupt.' Pete says dropping his head into his hands.

  'And you're not even living together.' I add.

  'And we're not even living together.' He repeats. He waits a beat, 'Fuck.' It hits home.

  'Right no more negative shit, hormones, money or bitching dramas. Let's get properly wankered.' Luke says forcing himself to his feet.

  'You're already wankered, but I'm up for it.' I say and we all scuffle onto our feet to join him.

  'There is only one thing for it. It's time to go and dance very badly and drink very well.' Drew says. We all huddle together and start jumping and whooping like children who have had too many additives.

  When it calms down, I ask 'Chaos?'

  'Chaos.' They all agree. That was easy.

  'Right, get him.' I shout. The boys each grab a leg each leaving me with the arms. Using every ounce of energy I have, we give him the bumps all the way down the high street to Chaos, and carry on as we walk straight through the door.

  'Hello mate. Just another normal night?' Adam, the head bouncer asks as we walk past.

  'Nah it's this one’s stag do.' I explain as we keep moving. We bump Luke up and down as we go.

  'Have a great night.' He says moving along to the next people in the queue.

  The music is shaking the floor, the place is packed, it is banging. Dumping the stag on the floor we head straight for the bar. A dozen shots and a fishbowl later, it is time. We dance our way over to the dance floor looking more like the Inbetweeners rather than Diversity, but we don't care. Drew is doing a dodgy Dad sidestep, Luke is wiggling his arse far more than any man should, and Pete, well the less said about Pete's dancing the better. I look around and notice people are giving us a wide berth and not because we are impressing anyone. Fuck it. Who cares anyway?