MoreOfYou_LPavlov-eBooks

by Pavlov, Laura

  He pushed to stand, losing his balance in the process. He stumbled in the room and went straight to the mini bar.

  Unbelievable.

  I watched him with disbelief.

  He grabbed a few mini bottles of vodka and a beer and dropped down to sit on the couch. He had a suite with a living area and a bedroom. He opened the vodka and drank it down before popping open the beer.

  “You can have the bed. I’ll sleep out here,” he said. His words weren’t completely coherent, but I heard him well enough.

  I reached for my suitcase which had been brought up earlier and pulled it into the bedroom and locked the door behind me. I dropped down on the bed and let the tears fall. I didn’t know the boy sitting out in the living room. He was a stranger. I’d never felt so distant from Cruz and it terrified me.

  I washed my face and changed into my pajamas before slipping into bed. Alone. Not the way I saw this night going. But lately everything in my life was unpredictable. And I hated it. I cried until exhaustion won over and I gave in to sleep.

  A knock on the bedroom door woke me, and I sat up. I was disoriented until memories from the night before flooded me. My heart sank and a heavy feeling settled in my chest. Light was coming through the crack in the drapes, so I knew morning had arrived.

  “Baby, please open the door.” His tone was hesitant. Remorseful.

  I moved to my feet and unlocked the door, before turning to climb back in bed. I slipped beneath the comforter and pressed my back against the headboard. My gaze locked with his, and I saw the hurt and devastation. The look in his honey brown gaze mirrored my feelings.

  “Jesus, Jade. I’m so fucking sorry.” His eyes welled with emotion as he walked toward me and dropped to sit on the edge of the bed.

  I nodded. I didn’t even know what to say. I didn’t know how we got here. The tears picked up where they left off last night as they slid down my face. Like paint running down a canvas with nowhere to go, leaving trails of despair in their wake. I pulled my knees up and wrapped my arms around them, resting my head there.

  He just watched me, until two tears overflowed from his eyes, catching me by surprise.

  “I don’t know what’s wrong with me. I’m losing control of everything,” he said, scrubbing a hand over his face.

  “Come here,” I said, my voice breaking on a sob.

  He had his arms around me within seconds. My face nuzzled into his neck, relishing his warm skin. We sat that way for a while before I pulled back to look at him. I took in a few long, slow breaths while I tried to regain control.

  “I’m really worried about you,” I said, my voice hoarse and tired.

  “I don’t want you to worry about me. I’ll figure this out, I promise. I’m sorry I got in a fight with that asshole, although I can’t promise I won’t defend your honor again. It was stupid. But I’m most sorry for the way I spoke to you. I don’t know why I said that. Why I get so fucking pissed off.” He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. He turned my face and kissed my cheeks, my chin, my nose, my eyelids. Every square inch he could reach.

  I smiled. “I think mixing alcohol with the prescriptions your taking is dangerous. I googled those medications, and I think you need to double check with your doctor to make sure that they can be taken together.”

  “I promise I’ll talk to my doctor about it this week. And, I’m going to cut way back on the drinking,” he said, hugging me tighter.

  “Okay.” I turned in his arms and studied his face, running my fingers down his cheek. “I love you. You know that, right?”

  I felt like he needed to hear it more than ever right now.

  “I do. I love you so fucking much.”

  He kissed me, so gently, before tipping me back on the bed and settling above me. He didn’t do anything more. He just kissed me for the longest time until I moaned against his mouth. He pushed back and looked down at me with a cocky smirk.

  “What do you need, baby?”

  “Everything.”

  And that’s exactly what he gave me.

  On the plane ride home, I sat beside Tory who was sound asleep. Cruz and I had had the worst fight we’d ever had, but we’d talked about it and I hoped he would follow through on his promise to talk to his doctor. I reached in my bag for Mom’s journal.

  Jan 1st

  Dear Journal,

  I’m excited for the New Year, and I just made a long list of goals that I hung on my bathroom mirror so I can look at it every day when I’m getting ready. It feels so good to be back home, and I landed a dream internship at NBC this semester. I’ll be working at the station today (interns get to work on all the days non-interns want to be off), and I’m trying to rally because I was out late last night.

  I went out with Jack and a few of our friends. He acted like a jackass, which I informed him is very fitting seeing as his actual name is Jack. I wanted to drink champagne, and he wanted tequila. All the guys drank way too much and Jack’s friend, Ollie got into a fight, which meant we all got kicked out of the bar we were at. I’ve never been kicked out of a place in my life. Jack argued for twenty minutes with the bouncer about our “rights”. I was over it.

  So, I called a taxi and tried to head home on my own. My stubborn boyfriend jumped in the other side of the cab and insisted the driver take us to Oak Street beach. We found a nearby grocery store and Jack bought a bottle of champagne which we hid in a bag and took with us to the beach. We rang in the New Year together, staring at the water, drinking champagne.

  He’s such a stubborn ass, but I love him. Even when we fight. I love him. I can never stay mad at him long, because the truth is, he’s the best guy I know… when he isn’t being a jackass. Okay, have to get to work… ah, the life of a future reporter.

  Ciao for now,

  J.E.

  I smiled at my mother’s words. It’s funny, I could never imagine my parents fighting, or getting too drunk—I forgot they were young once too.

  But Mom and I had one thing in common.

  We both loved our boyfriends even when they acted like jackasses.

  Chapter Ten

  Cruz

  “Long flight, huh?” Luke said as we made our way to the car.

  “That’s an understatement. Seventeen fucking hours,” I said, lighting a smoke as we walked.

  “You know you need to quit that shit. Your voice is going to take some abuse with so many shows back to back right now,” Luke said.

  Fuck. I’d cut way back on the booze. I’d barely had anything to drink in the last three weeks since New Year’s in New Orleans. Now he was going to ride my ass about smoking?

  “It’s fine.” I snubbed out my cigarette when we got to the car.

  “So, I’ve got two guys I’m meeting with when we get back to the States. They’re both talented. One is a damn good vocalist, but the other dude is a decent singer and he writes as well, so we’ll see. You sure you want to leave all this?” Luke laughed and held his hands up.

  “Yeah. I’m sure.”

  “I hear you. Just not going to be easy to replace you. You’re more talented than you think,” he said.

  I rolled my eyes and got in the car, pulling out my phone to text Jade. This would be our longest time apart, as it had been three weeks since I saw her last and I wouldn’t be back in the States for another three weeks. Her schedule was too busy to come here, and it was too far for either of us to travel for a weekend. And it fucking sucked. The last time I saw her we’d ended things okay, but it had been our first real fight, due to me being a complete asshole. Now I’d have to go six weeks without seeing her.

  Me ~ Just landed in Australia. Long fucking flight. What did the doctor say? Is it strep again?

  Jade had been sick on and off for months. I knew it had a lot to do with the fact that she was pushing herself too hard between school and visiti
ng me. We were both drowning this year and doing what we could to hold things together.

  More Jade ~ So glad you’re there. Yeah, I went. I have mono. It’s such a bummer. I’m praying I didn’t give this to you. How do you feel?

  I laughed. Jade had fucking mono and the first thing she did was worry about giving it to me.

  Me ~ I’m fine, baby. I’m worried about you. Should you go stay at your dad’s? I wouldn’t mind ditching this tour and coming there to stay in bed with you.

  More Jade ~ I can’t go to class until the fever’s gone. The doctor said I shouldn’t travel for a few weeks, and probably just need to take it easy for a while. With you out of the country, I wasn’t going to travel anyway, so it’s fine. I just hope I don’t miss too much class. Elaine said I can do the research from home for the next week. You don’t know how badly I wish you were here.

  Me ~ Me too. Miss you so much. I’ll FaceTime you when I get to the hotel. I love you.

  More Jade ~ Love you more.

  I hated being so far away.

  We got to the hotel and grabbed some dinner before heading to our rooms. It was the middle of the night here. How in the hell was I supposed to go to sleep now? I was so off on time. Dr. Grove gave me a prescription for Ambien for times like this. It wasn’t something I would take daily. For fuck’s sake, the last thing I wanted was to be dependent on this shit like my mother. I popped one in my mouth and wanted to wash it down with a bottle of whiskey because that would really knock me out. But I’d been really working at cutting back on the booze, especially the hard stuff, and I wanted to FaceTime my girl before I went to sleep. Tomorrow would be a long day. I guzzled some water before settling on my bed.

  “Hey,” she said as her pretty face came into focus.

  “I thought you were supposed to be resting.”

  Jade sat in the middle of her bed with books and papers spread out everywhere around her. She wore a white hoodie and black leggings. Her hair was in a messy knot on her head, and her face was bare of makeup. Stunning. She looked pale and dark circles rimmed her eyes. She’d been running herself into the ground.

  “I am resting.”

  “I think resting means that you lie down and take it easy,” I said with a laugh. I rolled on my side and propped the phone on a pillow.

  “I have midterms coming up. Plus, I have a ton to get caught up on for Elaine. I’m presenting next month at the University,” she said.

  “You are? When? I want to be there.”

  “Can you? You’ll be back from Europe by then, and I would love if you were here,” she said, pausing to look at me.

  “I’ll make it work. Text me the date and I’ll send it to Luke. He said he has two guys he’s looking at to replace me. Both are pretty good prospects. We’re more than halfway through this long-distance bullshit.”

  “How do you feel about that? You know, leaving? Are you ready for the slow life again?” She laughed.

  “I’m so ready.”

  “Take lots of pictures of Australia for me, okay? Keep your eyes out for kangaroos.”

  I chuckled. “I will. You feeling okay? How’s the fever?”

  “It’s fine when I take Ibuprofen, but it spikes back up every six hours. It’ll pass. My professors were all okay with me skipping class for a few days, and then I’ll just take it slow. How about you. Is it hard adjusting to the time change?” she asked.

  “No. I’m pretty tired.” I wasn’t going to tell her about the Ambien because she’d worry. I had this shit under control.

  “Okay. Get some rest. Your next three weeks are going to be crazy busy.” Her green gaze was wet with emotion and my chest squeezed. I hated how much I’d hurt her lately. The distance. My lifestyle. My drinking. The fact that I couldn’t be there for her when she needed me. I was fucking failing as a boyfriend and it sucked.

  “Are you okay?” My voice strained as the words left my mouth. This girl was my weakness.

  “Yes. Of course. Just miss you.”

  “Miss you too. I always need, More Jade,” I said, quirking a brow when her gaze locked with mine.

  “That’s what I want too, you know.”

  “What?”

  “More of you. All of you. Not to have to share you with the world,” she said, swiping at her cheeks as a few tears streaked down her pretty face.

  “You have all of me, baby. Only you.”

  “Okay. Get some rest,” she said as she blew me a kiss.

  Our call left me unsettled. I was going to fuck up the best thing in my life, it was inevitable. My eyes grew heavy, and thoughts of Jade filled my head as I drifted off.

  When I performed on stage in front of thousands of people, I didn’t have a care in the world for those few hours when people screamed my name and sang along with me. Sang along to the songs that I wrote. It was powerful and I’d grown used to the attention. Craved it. Thrived on it. But I’d also become a slave to it. To the energy it required of me.

  We were in London and this was our last show before we’d head back to the States. It had been a long three weeks, and I was spent. I’d dipped into the booze a little more tonight because we were celebrating a successful string of shows here. I was feeling good. The audience sang the lyrics to More of Me right along with me, and I wished Jade were here to see it. She’d be pissed that I was buzzed, but it had been weeks, and I’d cut way back. I needed to have some fun tonight.

  The crowd yelled and screamed after the last set, and we extended the show a few more songs. I was beat by the time we walked backstage. We’d taken the tour bus here, and we’d partied on our way over tonight. I grabbed my bag and stepped on the bus to head back to the hotel. Adam quirked a brow at me after he glanced over at Dex and Lennon. They’d invited a couple chicks to ride along with us. We had one big suite with separate bedrooms back at the hotel, which Luke usually booked when Jade and Tory weren’t joining us on tour. Made it easier to keep us in check, I guess.

  “Great show, Cruz,” one of the girls said to me.

  I nodded. “Thanks.”

  “Does he have a girlfriend?” another girl asked Dex.

  I walked back to my room on the bus, because I didn’t want to be around this shit right now.

  “Yeah. The dude’s practically a married man. But don’t worry about him. I can take care of all of you,” Dex said before I closed my door.

  I called Jade from my room, but it went to voicemail. I wanted to talk to her. I fucking missed her.

  When we arrived at the hotel, Dex invited everyone up to the suite.

  “Great. This ought to be fun,” Adam said, when we squeezed on the elevator. Luke looked annoyed when all five girls followed us on.

  “Yeah. Apparently Dex thinks he can handle all these chicks. Lennon doesn’t look too pleased,” I said so just Adam could hear me, and we both laughed.

  “So, you both have girlfriends. Are you sure about that?” The tall blonde chick with enormous tits batted her lashes at me.

  “Yeah, we’re fucking positive.” I glared because I didn’t need to be reminded that my girl wasn’t here. I hadn’t seen her in six weeks, and I was horny as hell and in a perpetual bad mood.

  “Doesn’t mean you can’t have a little fun. No one needs to know,” she said.

  “Hey. Not happening,” Lennon said. Hell, my brother would kick my ass if I ever fucked around on Jade. Which would never happen.

  “Party poopers.” She pouted like a fucking toddler.

  I rolled my eyes and stepped off the elevator and into the suite. Luke went to the room next door, and Adam followed me into my room. I grabbed an Ambien and some whiskey from the mini bar and downed it. It would be the last night I’d need to take it, because I’d get back on a normal time schedule once we were back in the States tomorrow.

  “I thought you weren’t drinking the hard stuff?” my best frie
nd said.

  “I’m not. Just having an off night. What are you, my babysitter now?”

  He laughed. “Jesus, you’re a moody fuck sometimes.”

  “Just ready to be home.”

  “Yeah, me too, brother. I’m going to go FaceTime Tory. I’ll check back on you later,” he said, pulling my door closed.

  I tried Jade again. Voicemail. Fuck. I needed to see her face right now.

  I reached for another bottle of whiskey and downed it. They barely held a few ounces of alcohol, and I was in the mood for a pity party. I took out the last few mini bottles and dropped them on the mattress, before turning on the TV and getting my buzz on.

  I was feeling good. And tomorrow we’d head back home. Just a few more days before I’d see my girl.

  My door swung open and Lennon stood in the doorway.

  “You want some pizza, dickhead?”

  I laughed. My brother was a little shit, but he was fucking funny when he wanted to be. “Yeah, I’m starving.”

  “Jesus, dude. What did you do? Rob the mini bar?” He picked up six or seven little bottles and tossed them in the trash.

  “Whatever. You’re one to talk.”

  “Come on. Let’s get some food in you,” he said.

  I grabbed my phone just in case Jade ever decided to call me back and dropped to sit on the couch. Two girls sat on Dex’s lap and one was sidled up next to Lennon. The other two chicks sat at the end of the couch. One being the voluptuous blonde that looked like she’d drop to her knees and suck me off if I gave her the go-ahead. I grabbed a plate and tossed on a few slices of pizza before devouring them.

  “You have a big appetite, huh? I’m Courtney by the way,” she said. I had to give it to her, she didn’t give up easily. She had her tits pushed up and they were spilling out of her tube top, and she wore black skinny jeans. She had a decent body, I’d give her that. But she wasn’t Jade. She had zero chance.

  “Yep. You do know nothing’s going to happen here, right?”

  “Yeah, yeah, I get it. You have a girl back home and you don’t want to mess that up. That’s actually pretty refreshing. But I’m kind of stuck here while I wait for them, so just making small talk,” she said, thrusting her thumb at her girlfriends.