MoreOfYou_LPavlov-eBooks

by Pavlov, Laura

  Well, that was honest. No harm in a little conversation. The other blonde beside her passed me a bottle of tequila and I took a swig. It burned going down.

  “Thanks. Where are you from?” I asked while I went back to eating my pizza.

  “We live in New York. Came to see the show.”

  “You came all the way here to see us? Why wouldn’t you wait and see us back in the States?” I said.

  “We did. We’ve seen you guys perform almost a dozen times in the last six months. We travel all over.” Courtney said, and her tits bounced when she spoke.

  I chugged a little more tequila and washed down my pizza. “Damn. You’re like super fans.”

  “I think you mean groupies,” Courtney’s friend said, and she hiccupped no less than ten times as she said it.

  I was relaxed. The Ambien had set in. I’d never mixed it with booze before, and the combo packed a nice punch. The other two girls were practically dry humping Dex right in front of us, and my brother sat in the chair beside me with some chick on his lap. Courtney and her hiccupping girlfriend started asking me all sorts of questions about Jade. I liked talking about her. I propped a pillow on the couch and stretched out a little, answering all their nosy ass questions.

  “So, a doctor and a rock star. That’s hot. It doesn’t bother her with you on the road, traveling all the time?”

  I certainly wasn’t going to tell them that my time with Exiled was coming to an end. That was something we wouldn’t share with the fans until the time came.

  “We support one another, and she trusts me,” I slurred.

  “Wow. Doesn’t that get hard—oops, no pun intended.” Courtney paused to laugh. “Doesn’t it get lonely being away from her for so long?”

  “Fuck, yeah it does.”

  I polished off the rest of the bottle, wanting to make my way to my room, but I didn’t even know if I could walk that far. My phone rang on the coffee table, and I tried to feel around for it.

  “Grab that for me. It’s Jade,” I said, my words barely audible. Fuck, I didn’t even recognize the sound of my own voice.

  “Hi Jade, I’m Courtney. We’re hearing all about you right now,” I heard her say to the phone. Jade must have FaceTimed because she held it up and talked to it.

  I laughed when I tried to reach for it and fell off the couch.

  “Oh, hi. Is Cruz around,” Jade said, and she didn’t sound happy.

  “Baby, I’m just telling them how much I love you,” I shouted from the floor as I laughed some more.

  “Who’s there, Courtney? Can you turn the screen around so I can say hello?” Jade asked.

  I pushed myself back up, crawling onto the couch. Courtney was literally narrating the scene, and if I had my shit together, I’d grab the phone from her. But obviously I was a drunk fucker and the Ambien was winning this battle.

  “That’s Asia and Brit sitting with Dex. And that’s my friend Shanna with Lennon. And this is Victoria next to me, and we’re just talking to Cruz. He told us you want to be a doctor. That’s cool, right?”

  “Sure. I think so. Can I talk to Cruz for a minute?” Jade’s voice was calm, but I knew she was pissed. Hell, this place looked like a fucking orgy.

  Lennon jumped up when he realized what was happening. He grabbed the phone from Courtney and kicked me in the shin to pull it together. “Shit. Jade, hey. What’s up?”

  “Looks like you guys have quite the party going on there, huh?” she said.

  “Cruz is beat from the show, so he was just chilling here on the couch.” Lennon moved to sit beside me, trying to force me to sit forward before he handed me the phone.

  “Baby, I miss you,” I said, taking the phone from my brother. It didn’t even sound like I was speaking English. I was so fucked.

  “Yeah, it looks like it.”

  “It’s the first time I’ve gotten a little drunk. I tried calling you, but you didn’t pick up,” I said. This was her fault. I was lonely and so what if I got a little fucked up. I covered my mouth when a loud burp escaped. Courtney laughed loud, which made me laugh.

  Jade stared at me. “Cruz, I need to go.”

  “No, baby, I’m not done talking.”

  “Well, there’s a nurse here and she needs to take my blood.” Her voice was stone cold, and Lennon grabbed the phone back from me.

  “Jesus. Are you in a hospital gown?” Lennon said as he studied the screen.

  “Yeah, my fever wouldn’t break so they admitted me. It’s just a complication from the mono. I’ll be fine. But I need to go.” The devastation in her voice sobered my ass up. I ripped the phone out of my brother’s hands.

  “I’m so sorry, baby. I’ll be there in a few days. I love you,” I said.

  She disconnected the call. She didn’t have anything else to say to me.

  “Fuck,” I shouted and threw my phone across the room.

  “Trouble in paradise,” Dex said when the phone missed hitting him in the head by a hair.

  He had no idea.

  Chapter Eleven

  Jade

  I shoved a notebook in my backpack and turned when someone knocked on the hospital room door.

  “You know you didn’t need to go and make a scene in class just to get me to come visit,” Sam said with a laugh.

  I hugged him and stood there a little longer than usual, closing my eyes. For the first time in days, I was starting to feel like myself.

  “Well, you know how much I love being the center of attention.” I dripped sarcasm and pulled away, twirling the ring around on my finger.

  I’d been admitted to the hospital yesterday morning. I’d fainted on my way out of anatomy class in front of a room full of people, and someone had called 911.

  Could anything be more mortifying?

  I was fine by the time the paramedics arrived—and by fine, I mean I was able to sit up. They insisted on taking me to the hospital because my fever had spiked, and my heart rate was low. To say I was out of sorts was an understatement.

  I’d been battling mono for nearly a month. Every time I thought I was on the mend, I took a step back. I hadn’t felt good in weeks. I started every day behind the eight ball. I struggled to keep up with my classes, my research project was way more time consuming than I’d anticipated and worrying about Cruz had become a full-time job.

  It all came crashing down on me last night as I sat in this sterile room listening to the monitors beep, as the fluorescent lights from the hallway shined in through the crack in the door. My father had rushed from the firehouse, abandoning his shift and slept quietly in the chair beside my bed, I’d humiliated myself collapsing in class, all while my boyfriend was drunk in London lying on a couch with a bunch of girls who’d answered my call. Because he was too drunk to sit up and have a conversation with me. There were limits—and I’d hit mine.

  Loving Cruz Winslow was like chasing a tornado. Watching a destructive storm spiral out of control like a freight train with no destination. Always just a little out of reach, leaving pieces of my heart in its wake.

  “Don’t beat yourself up, J-bird, it happens to the best of us.” Sam walked over and dropped down to sit on the chair beside the bed.

  “Oh, yeah? When have you ever seen someone faint in class?”

  “I can’t even keep track. They’re dropping like flies at my school,” Sam said. He attended art school in the city.

  “Sure they are. Well, it was a wake-up call. Things are going to change.”

  “Is that so?”

  “It is,” I said, pulling my backpack over my shoulder, ready to go.

  The nurse had released me just before Sam came to pick me up. I’d insisted Dad go to work, he’d already missed a full shift yesterday. My phone beeped for the millionth time today.

  Cruz ~ What time are you getting released? I’ll be there tomor
row.

  Me ~ Now.

  Yeah, I was sticking to one-word responses. Had been since our lovely FaceTime call last night. Things needed to change. Cruz had been drinking heavily for a while, and it had shown itself in New Orleans when we were together for New Year’s. Obviously, things hadn’t changed. This cycle we were on wasn’t healthy.

  I wasn’t healthy and neither was he.

  Cruz ~ I’ve called you four times today. Why won’t you pick up?

  Me ~ Can’t.

  Cruz ~ Baby. This is crazy. I’m about to get on a plane and I want to talk to you.

  Me ~ Sorry.

  Not sorry.

  Cruz ~ I love you, More Jade.

  Me ~ Love you.

  I’d give him those two words. I could never deny him that, because I loved him so much. Maybe too much. Even if we were facing some serious challenges. Which we were.

  I slipped my phone in my back pocket and followed Sam out to his truck.

  “Was that Cruz?”

  “Yep,” I said as I buckled my seatbelt.

  “You’re mad, huh?”

  “I don’t even know if I’m mad. I’m tired. And while I was being admitted to the hospital, he was partying with some random chicks. Yeah, I guess I am mad,” I said, crossing my arms over my chest.

  “I get it. But the dude is on tour, what do you expect? You honestly think he’s going to quit drinking now? He calls you, I don’t know, maybe eight thousand times a day. Pledges his love to you at every concert. I mean, I don’t think he’s fucking around on you if that’s what you’re worried about.”

  “You’re defending him?”

  “I’m not defending him, Jade. I’m just calling it as I see it,” he said.

  “I don’t think he’s cheating on me. It’s not that.”

  “So, what is it?”

  “It’s too much. All of it. I’m losing myself because I’m trying so hard to keep us together. To make sure he’s okay. I can’t control what he does when he’s far away,” I said.

  “You shouldn’t be controlling what he does when he isn’t far away. That’s not healthy for either of you. He’s a grown-ass man.”

  He was right, and I hated it. Hated being this girl. Controlling and needy. It wasn’t me. None of this was me. Maybe I didn’t know who I was anymore.

  “I know. But he doesn’t have limits like you, and I do. He’s never been given them. So, I worry about him. Constantly. And I just can’t keep this up. I’m drowning.” The tears started to fall, and Sam pulled in front of my house.

  A light layer of snow still covered the ground, and the air was chilly. Typical for February. I used the sleeve of my sweatshirt to swipe at the tears rolling down my face.

  “Jade, you’re one of the strongest people I know. If you think it’s too much—it’s too much. Doesn’t mean you can’t be there for him. It just means you need to set some boundaries for yourself. You’re trying to graduate in three years, you have one of the toughest majors out there, and you still think you can travel all over the country and keep it all together. So, you don’t see each other as often, doesn’t mean you can’t stay together. Let him manage his own life. He should be anyway. Cruz is a smart guy. He does have limits, trust me. He’s just someone who pushes the envelope. If you let him fall, he’ll figure it out. It’s like you’re trying to micromanage him from a distance, and it’s not going to work. He’ll stop drinking when he’s ready. You can’t quit something for someone else. You know that. Let him figure this out.” Sam’s blue eyes shined as he looked at me.

  “And what if I lose him in the process?” I whispered.

  “Then he was never yours.”

  I sighed. He was right. I needed to take a step back. Let go a little bit. I was holding on so tight for fear he’d slip away—and it wasn’t working.

  “Well, I don’t think I have much of a choice. I’m the one who decided to come back to school. I made my bed, now I have to lie in it.”

  “You made the right decision. Stop blaming yourself. All this shit would be going on if you were there. It’s better that you’re removed from it. You are where you should be. And he’ll come back to you J-bird. I’ve seen the way he is with you. The kid is crazy about you. So, chill out a little. Stop running yourself into the ground. You’re twenty years old. Life’s not supposed to be so hard yet, right?”

  I laughed a little. “Right.”

  “Want me to come in and hang out for a while?”

  “No, I’m fine. I need to go call Elaine and email my professors to see about make-up work. But thanks for getting me. Love you, Sam.”

  “Love you too,” he said, hugging me goodbye.

  I made my way through the front door and into my bedroom. I grabbed all my laundry and tossed it in the hamper. It was time to clean up my room and my life.

  I slept a whole eight hours last night and got my make-up work for my classes organized. Elaine was super understanding about our research and insisted I take the rest of the week off as we were ahead of schedule according to her. I was presenting a portion of our research next week and she wanted me to focus on that for now. Cruz was coming today, but I still hadn’t spoken to him. He sent me his flight info and said he had a ride from the hangar. He knew I had class, so I told him I’d meet him at the house this afternoon. We needed to talk. It wouldn’t be easy because when I saw him, when we were together, all of my problems always melted away. My judgment was clouded when it came to Cruz. Always had been.

  I attended a medical brigade meeting on campus after class. A bunch of people had gone on the holiday brigade over winter break, and they were sharing their stories. Listening to them talk about the experience made me eager to contribute myself.

  I walked outside with my friend, Jessica. We’d met in this club a few months back, and I really liked her. She’d tried to convince me to go with her over winter break to Honduras. I’d been traveling with Cruz at the time.

  “How are you feeling? I heard there was a lot of hoopla when you dropped to the ground like a ton of bricks in class,” Jessica said with a laugh.

  My cheeks heated. I dreaded going to anatomy tomorrow. Everyone would be whispering and staring, and I wasn’t looking forward to it.

  “I know. It’s so embarrassing. I’m feeling a lot better. No going out or traveling for me for a while. I need to just get over this virus and take it slow.”

  “I’m teasing you. Don’t be embarrassed. You push yourself too hard,” she said.

  Jess was tall with long blonde hair. She was gorgeous and kind. I liked her a lot, and we’d gotten to know one another over the last few weeks.

  “Thanks. I’m fine. So, are you going on the summer brigade too?” I asked.

  “Yes. I talked to my parents and they’ve agreed to let me go for the whole summer. I know you’re going to be traveling with Cruz, but what if you just come for a couple weeks? It would be great if we could do it together.”

  “I definitely want to go next year. Cruz will be living here again, so I’ll get to see him all the time. He’s still touring this summer and I promised I’d travel with him those last few months,” I said. So much for stepping back. I was still planning my life around him. I didn’t know how not to.

  “I get it. I mean, the brigades are life changing and all, but touring with your hot rock star boyfriend is hard to turn down.”

  Two arms wrapped around my waist from behind and startled me. I knew it was him before I turned around. Jessica stood there gaping, and I realized people were watching us and taking pictures on their phones.

  “Hey,” I said, turning in his arms to face him.

  He kissed me and then pulled back. “Hey yourself.”

  “I didn’t know you were coming here.”

  “Well, since you won’t pick up your phone to talk to me, I decided to just show up because I couldn’
t wait to see you,” Cruz said, studying me.

  That’s right. I’m supposed to be mad at him, I reminded myself.

  “This is my friend Jessica. She’s in the medical brigade club with me.”

  “Nice to meet you, I’ve heard a lot about you. You just went to Honduras over winter break, right?” he asked, reminding me that he really did listen to what I told him.

  “Yes. It was an amazing experience. By the way, I’m a huge fan.” Jessica’s face reddened, and she looked over at me nervously. Trust me. I got it. He was gorgeous, and his presence was a lot to take in.

  “That’s cool, thank you. I know Jade wants to go on a brigade, too,” he said.

  “Yeah. I hope we can go together,” Jessica said. “Well, I’ll let you two catch up. Text me later.”

  I waved goodbye and turned to see people holding their phones up as they watched us. I forgot how invasive people could be when it came to Cruz. And being here at school, was mild. Nothing like when we went to his shows. But it was still an invasion. I wanted to be mad at my boyfriend in private. I glared at the girl standing the closest to us and started walking.

  “They aren’t following us anymore, so I’m guessing that’s not the reason you still aren’t speaking to me?” Cruz said, moving beside me and intertwining his fingers with mine.

  “I’m still mad at you.” I glanced over at him, and he smiled. My stomach did little flips like the traitor it was.

  “I know you are. I’m sorry, baby. I had an off day. I fucked up and got drunk. But you know how much I love you. You don’t think I want anyone else, do you?”

  “It’s not that. You said you were cutting back on the drinking. Do you not remember what happened in New Orleans?”

  We walked up the steps and into the house, and I dropped down on the couch.

  “Of course, I do. And I have cut way back. I swear, Jade. It was one bad night.” He pulled me onto his lap and wrapped his arms around me. “Do you know how worried I’ve been? You won’t talk to me. You barely answer my texts. I’ve been going out of my fucking mind.”