by Cee, DW
“Are you sure you want to drive all the way home?”
“Yep.”
“We’re in middle America. You live on the West coast. Is that smart?”
“We’re not exactly in middle America. It’s still the West coast.” I reminded him. “Car has been given the 30-point inspection, along with an oil change and a new set of tires. I’ll be OK, Noah. Are you ready to leave for your swanky penthouse in New York?”
“That would be my mom and stepdad’s swanky penthouse in New York. My name is nowhere on the deed. It’s rarely on the doorman’s guest list.”
Noah’s personality made him popular in any social setting. Men and women alike gravitated toward him. By some good fortune, he chose me as his “partner” in every setting. By the second semester, he had coordinated all our classes with one another. His laid-back attitude and my fastidiousness in school made us an unlikely pair, but it worked.
“I assume you wanted to say good-bye?”
“I do, but I wanted to see if I can talk you into driving to New York with me instead of LA.”
“What?”
“Damn.” He was nervously rubbing his hands against his jeans. “This conversation is about six months overdue.” He pulled me away from my car parked in a loading zone, and took me back to the dining room.
“We are here because…?”
“…what do you think of when you’re here?”
“Bad food? Stale coffee? Fake gelato? Breakfast at noon?”
“When I’m here, I think of meals with you, getting up a little earlier so I can grab you a cup of coffee before we go to class, and looking forward to seeing you for weekend brunch.”
“OK…”
“This entire year was made that much better because you were with me. Am I wrong to think you feel even a little bit of what I’m feeling now?”
I slumped in my chair. I couldn’t say for sure I wasn’t attracted to Noah; it was more an attraction to a funny, cute, and attentive man. It wasn’t that heart-thumping, make-my-insides-quake kind of attraction I had with Ben.
“This year was undoubtedly fantastic because you were a part of it,” I admitted. “There’s nothing about you that’s not attractive—with the inside being even better than the handsome outside.”
“But? There’s always a but, isn’t there?”
“But, I love Ben. I’ve loved him for as long as I could remember.”
“Is this the same Ben who hasn’t called or visited the past few months?”
I flinched at the hurtful truth. “He might not have visited, but he’s called.”
“Marni. You and I have spent every waking moment together. Unless he calls between the hours of midnight and seven, he hasn’t called you in the last two weeks, at least.”
Noah wasn’t wrong. Ben and I had played phone tag the past month. “I was in the midst of finals and Ben’s working on a new song. I know he’s been recording a lot.”
The skeptical look on Noah was telling. “I like you, Marni. I think we’re fantastic together. If you feel an inkling of what I feel, call me and I’ll come to you if you can’t come to me.”
That’s how Noah left me.
Two days later, I arrived at my dad and stepmom’s eager to see Ben and Melody. During the long car ride, I thought through what Noah had said. He made more sense than I would have liked, but I wasn’t willing to give up Ben for anyone.
It was true, Ben and I had drifted apart this past school year. I also wasn’t thrilled with Ben being so adamant about his music career. As talented as he was, I had hoped he’d go to college with me and become a music major. He could have the security of a college degree, along with the freedom to make beautiful music.
In return, Ben was upset I didn’t want to come home for spring break. I explained that my econ professor asked me to help her with a research project, which I considered a huge honor. I didn’t want to lose out on this opportunity. I was concerned when communication dropped considerably this spring, but I figured we were both busy people. We’d catch up in the summer.
“Marni.” My stepmom looked surprised to see me. “I thought you wouldn’t be home until next week. Weren’t you headed to your mom’s, first?”
I was, but I missed Ben enough to change directions. I wanted to talk to him and work over our misunderstanding.
“May I come in?” Jean Montgomery, my stepmom of eighteen years, made me feel like a stranger in my own home.
When I was finally welcomed into the house, I went upstairs to find a big surprise. Walking toward my room, I spied Ben and my half-sister Melody, laughing away at something. They were sitting close to one another, looking…intimate, looking…happy.
“Hey. What’s going on?” I walked into another situation where I felt like a stranger in my own relationship. Ben stood up and haphazardly greeted me more out of guilt than desire.
“Marni.” My sister’s greeting was no more welcoming. “We expected to see you next week.” That appeared to be the excuse everyone had for his and her lack of enthusiasm.
“Surprise,” I answered with equal zeal. “I’ll leave you two to do…whatever it is that you’re doing.”
Walking out of my sister’s room, I saw my future. It was one without my boyfriend of five years, but instead, a brother-in-law for a lifetime. Nothing either of them said or did supported my hypothesis, but I knew deep down this theory would become a proven fact.
I grabbed my bag from my room and headed toward the place everyone expected me to be. Had I headed south rather than north, no one would have been inconvenienced.
I sighed at how long it took Ben to figure out what he needed to do. He didn’t come out of Mel’s room and toward my car until I was already out of the driveway.
This was how I left Ben.
This was how Ben left me.
Chapter 2 Noah (Present)
Circle of Life ~Elton John
“You ready to talk?” Mom asked.
How pathetic was I that I had to call my mother after Marni left me? She was always my confidant and biggest ally. She was the one I turned to when I’d created a mess with Marni the first time.
“You didn’t have to fly all the way here to support your depressed son,” I lied. I needed someone and without Marni, I had no one here.
After my big mistake of letting Marni go the first time, I wised up and moved out to San Diego to win her back. It had been years since we dated, years since we talked, but I wanted a second chance with the girl who got away. This city would not have been my first choice of residence, but with the naval yard close and engineering jobs galore, I knew I’d made the right decision.
“Son.” Mom forced me to look in her eyes with that one word. “You’ve told me what’s happened between you and Marni. What will you do to win her back?”
It felt as if the entirety of my life was hanging in the balance. “I shouldn’t have said all those things to her before she left. It wasn’t necessary to challenge her and force her to pick the baby or me. She’d already made her choice. Why’d I make everything final?”
“Once again,” Mom asked, “what will you do to change the outcome?”
“What can I do? I told her we were over.”
“Have I told you how my marriage ended with your father?”
“Dad told me it was wholly his fault. If he could do it again, he’d leave the Navy and stay married to you.”
Mom snorted at that statement. “Your father would never leave the glory of his position. Why do you think he never remarried?”
“I thought it was because he couldn’t forget you.”
“Ha!” The snort was louder and more forceful. “No woman wants to be second to her man’s ego.”
“OK, Mother. Tell me your side of the story.”
“I met Elijah when he was on his first furlough from the Navy. Your father enlisted as soon as his high school diploma was handed to him. He said he always dreamed of being a big man on a big ship.”
“I guess he act
ualized his dream.”
“He sure did. There was no one more handsome than your father in a uniform. When he visited our small town in Florida, all the girls swooned at the sight of him.”
“But you were the only one to catch his attention,” I stated as a fact.
Mom giggled like a schoolgirl. “I was, but I chose to play hard to get the first time around.”
“What did Dad do?”
“He was only in Florida for a short time and he told me we should get married on our first date.”
“And you told him…”
“I told him I had been accepted to NYU and I was going to get an education before settling down with a husband.”
“The great Admiral accepted that as fact and allowed you to walk away?”
“At the time, he was a nobody in the Navy. He didn’t have a way to support me, but he gave me an ultimatum. He always had an authoritative way about him—sometimes good, sometimes bad.”
“What was the ultimatum?”
“He told me that I either marry him before his ship took off or I wait until we come across another chance meeting.”
“So if you had married him, where would you have been? It wasn’t as if you could hop on the ship with him.”
“Exactly, Son! That’s what I said. We would have technically been married, but living separate lives. I rolled the dice by telling Elijah Bergstrom I couldn’t marry him.”
“Since you eventually married, I assume you two kept in touch after he left?”
The volume of Mom’s snort was embarrassingly loud. “The damn egomaniac left without a word. He didn’t have my number, my address, or even my surname. True to his word, he left our next meeting to chance.”
“Did you regret being so absolute about your stance on marriage?”
“Immediately, yes. But once I arrived in New York City, I forgot about Elijah Bergstrom, kind of…” The cackles and the promise ring on her thumb proved she hadn’t forgotten about him—even now to a slight degree.
“So how did you meet again?”
“Crazy enough, four years had gone by without a mention of Elijah’s name until I saw a flyer being passed around about a young, up-and-coming Lieutenant Commander who was giving a one-day seminar at our school. When I saw that it was Elijah Bergstrom, I struggled against my desire to see him again. I wanted to know if we’d still feel the same chemistry as four years ago. In my mind, I was much older and wiser as a college senior, but my feelings for him had not quite died. The egomaniac part of me wished to see if he felt the same way.”
“Was he as handsome as the first time you saw him?”
“Son.” Mom admitted, “Seeing him lecturing in his decorated uniform—there was no more a beautiful sight.”
“You obviously went to his seminar.”
“Yeah,” she laughed. “Me and every other female in New York City. Apparently, his looks had preceded his naval fame. Every woman came dressed in her nightclub-best. There was more makeup and perfume in that room than Macy’s on 34th Street. All the men stood in the back because the women came early to get the best view of Elijah Bergstrom.”
“Were you one of these pathetic women?”
“Hell no.” Mom laughed. “I came in jeans and a t-shirt and I stood in the back with all the men. I made sure to stand behind some of the taller guys so your dad wouldn’t know I was there. My heart wanted to see him, but my pride didn’t want him to know just how much.”
“You mean after four years, you saw him but he didn’t see you? You went away without exchanging contact info, again?”
“That’s what I thought would happen.” It always made me feel good to watch my mother glow in happiness. I remembered those special smiles she’d reserved just for Dad when he came home. “After staring at him for a good hour, I told myself I’d seen enough of Elijah Bergstrom. Not once in the four years since I last saw him, did he seek me out. I was being fanciful thinking a busy man like your father would remember me. As soon as I turned to leave, I heard my name being called out.”
“He knew you were there—amidst the tall men giving you shelter.” My father didn’t reach Admiralty by being caught unaware.
“He knew.” She grinned. “To quote his exact words, he said, ‘Cecily Samantha Haines, are you ready to marry me now?’”
“Yeah, Dad! What a stud! He said that in front of everyone, in the middle of his lecture?”
“He did.” The happiness emanating from Mom was ridiculous. It was these moments where I wondered why they divorced.
“So where did it all go wrong?”
The smile quickly faltered. “Your dad’s job was too important to him. He couldn’t let go of the power and prestige.”
“So he left us for work?”
“Nothing is ever that simple, Noah. You know that. There were many reasons why he left, but the most telling one was the ultimatum I gave him.”
“Shit. This is life reincarnated.”
She nodded. “I told your father it was you and me or his job. I would not take him back if he stayed with the Navy.”
“Damn.”
“I knew I’d lose. The fact that he was away more than at home should have been the telltale sign, but I refused to listen to logic. I threatened to take you away with me if your father didn’t retire immediately.” Her fallen expression was also a telling sign. “You know how the rest of the story goes.”
“He went on to become the President’s favorite Admiral, the Navy’s poster boy, everyone’s favorite guest on their morning talk show. Yeah, I know. We had to share him with the world.”
“I came here to tell you it’s not too late. There were more times than I’d like to admit where I wanted to go to your father and ask him to take us back. He would have in a heartbeat.”
“He never asked you to come back?”
“He begged me to come back. He said everything to entice us back to him. What he didn’t give me was his promise to quit. I told him how much I loved him, but I was done playing second fiddle to the world. He had to give up his position.”
“So had he retired, you would have remarried?”
“Most likely. I loved your father. We were faithful to one other as hard as that may be to believe since we were apart so much. I sacrificed everything for him. All I asked was for him to bend a little our way.”
“So if Dad gave up his position now?” I threw out the hypothetical.
“Carson is the antithesis of your father, and I love him. End of story.” She refused to elaborate.
“So the five-hour plane ride was to tell me to lift my ultimatum and find some way to make this work?”
“If that’s what you want.”
“I don’t want to fail again, Mom. I’ve only entered my third decade and I already have a divorce on my resume.” These were times where I felt like a failure.
“You’re young, you’re successful, and you have parents who support you. If Marni is who you want, go after her with all your heart. If in the end you fail, you’ll know you’ve at least given it your best shot.”
“Thank you, Mother.” I kissed her cheek and decided to heed her warning.
Chapter 3 Ben (Present)
Always Something There to Remind Me ~Naked Eyes
“I still can’t get over how motherly you are.”
Mar looked at me surprised and offended. “What the hell, Benjamin Howard! All those years you’ve known me, did you think I was some sort of monster who ate children?”
I laughed at her surliness. “Come on, Mar. This is me. You told me kids were never a part of your plan. That was one of the reasons why we…” Perhaps it wasn’t smart of me to bring up our past.
“Back when I told you I didn’t want kids, I was in high school. That was when I was living with my father in Manhattan Beach on weekdays, and commuting two hours on the Amtrak every weekend to see my mother in San Diego. I was sick of being a child to two sets of parents. I figured if half the marriages ended up in divorce, why have kids and to
rture them?”
“You always were a pessimist.”
“I suppose…” she agreed.
“And thus, I married the optimist.” My words were meant as a joke, but Mar didn’t see the humor.
“Let’s get going.” She was upset, thanks to our short conversation.
Earlier this morning, I woke up in an absolute panic. I’d gotten the best night’s sleep since Mel’s death and woke up mid-morning. I popped out of bed and ran to my baby’s room. The sight I came upon was surreal. Mar was singing to Ali while changing her out of her pajamas. By the looks of her oatmeal-stained top, Ali had already eaten breakfast and was doing her part, singing with Marni. The relief I felt bowled me over. Somehow, I’d forgotten that Mar had agreed to live with us. She was already the caretaker of my, our, daughter—I suppose she had always been.
“Dadadada…” Ali was singing my tune, rubbing her eyes.
“Hello, Precious. By the look in your eyes, I see you’re ready for your morning nap.” I put out my arms for her to jump into them, but she hid in Mar’s chest. Mar placed two protective arms around Ali and rocked her.
“We should head out. Ali can sleep in the car on the ride to Disneyland.”
“Have you eaten?” I whispered as Ali’s eyes were about to close.
Mar shook her head no. “Pit stop at the café for coffee and crumb cake?”
“Now you’re talking!”
Mar told me to stay in the car while she went and ordered our breakfast. “We’ll eat on the road,” she also let me know.
I looked back and saw my daughter completely conked out. Her naps usually lasted a good ninety minutes, and with Disneyland less than half an hour away, I thought we should kill time here.
“Let’s leave Ali in the car with the windows down and we’ll eat at that table directly in front of the car.” Mar looked uncertain. “Ali will be steps from us. We’ll hear her if she cries. Plus, if she doesn’t sleep enough, she’ll be cranky at the happiest place on earth.”