by Cee, DW
My daughter was clapping her hands and singing her songs. “Nananana. Dadadada. Mamamama. Babababa.”
“You need a new repertoire, Ali-Girl.” Marni hugged her again and plopped a few more kisses on her head. “How was the drive up?”
“It wasn’t bad. I thought we’d hit rush hour traffic, but we sailed up.”
“Ali napped in the car?”
“Naw. Too early.”
“I guess we’ll have to tire you out.” Marni walked Ali to the playroom. “What shall we do today?”
I watched the two girls play and wondered if I should bring up my conversation with Jackie. Would Marni want to revisit the past or did she want to move on with only the future. Was she harboring some bitterness or hatred toward me, though she loved my daughter? It bugged me enough where I had to ask.
“Mar?”
“Hmm?”
“I was talking to your mom and I have a few unanswered questions.”
Mar looked up briefly and searched for clues to my ambiguity. When she found none, she went back to assembling puzzle pieces.
“AH!” Ali’s scream made us both jump to see what was wrong.
Ali started banging the puzzle pieces on the board, upset that she couldn’t shove the Ariel piece into Belle’s spot. After abusing Ariel, she threw her across the room.
Mar smiled and picked up her niece. “I see Grandma Jackie wore you out. Let’s put you down for a long nap.” She proceeded to walk upstairs to Ali’s bedroom. I followed to watch Mar rock my baby to sleep. It didn’t take long, and the sight was beautiful. It reminded me of all the times Melody would hold our daughter while she slept.
I walked in and kissed Ali on her head before Mar put her in her crib.
“She was tired.”
“Mom must be just as tired,” Mar whispered as we closed her door. “I think she’ll be down for a long time.”
“Good. It’ll give us a chance to catch up.” This was a good time to bring up any sins of my past so we could start fresh. “You need to swim?”
“Already swam this morning.”
“You must have gotten in early this morning.”
“What do you mean?”
“Jackie told me you were with Noah last night in LA.”
“We were.”
“So…weren’t you with him last night?”
“I just told you I was.”
I felt a little frustrated. “If you were with him last night, when did you have time to get in a swim? It’s only nine.”
“What the hell are you talking about, Ben Howard?” Now she was frustrated. “You dropped me off at Noah’s. We came up to LA when his mom and Carson invited us to dinner. Noah dropped me off at home—right here!” she stressed the last two words, “and I chose to swim as soon as I got up this morning. Is this answer to your understanding and liking?” Mar was a bit snarky, but no matter. I liked her answer.
“You slept here? As in your own bed? You didn’t sleep with Noah in a hotel?” That question came out too enthusiastic. Mar looked perplexed.
“Will you be doing periodic bed checks?” The sassiness continued. “Do I need to report where and with whom I will be sharing a bed? Are you going to show me the same courtesy?”
“Why the bratty attitude, Mar?” I challenged.
She sighed. “Sorry. Noah’s left me for good this time. I don’t know what to do, what to feel. I didn’t mean to take it out on you.”
“I’m sorry, Mar. I thought you were thinking things through.”
She sighed again and explained her story. “When I first left, Noah gave me an ultimatum before I came up here—him or Ali.”
“Shit,” I sighed with her. “That couldn’t have been good for his ego to have lost out to a twenty-pound midget who doesn’t even come up to his knees.”
Mar chuckled. “I ended my very long standing relationship for the same midget who lost her mother. I couldn’t be with a man who couldn’t accept Ali.”
Though our conversation progressed, we were still standing outside Ali’s bedroom. I reached over and hugged my dear friend and sister-in-law.
“I’m sorry for putting you in such a tough spot, Mar. I didn’t realize my request would put such a strain on your relationship with Noah.”
“After the ultimatum, Noah wanted us to stay together. He wanted me to come home on weekends.” Mar stayed in my arms and returned the hug. “But I didn’t want this. I never fully told him, but I don’t want to leave that beautiful girl.” Mar stared at Ali’s bedroom door. “Is it wrong of me not to want to leave Ali, even on the weekends?”
Not at all! I knew it was selfish of me to want Mar for Ali, twenty-four/seven, but I did. I wanted my baby to be Mar’s only priority.
“It makes me want to shout from the rooftop when I hear how much you love Ali. But are you sure you want to throw away your relationship?” I didn’t want to say that last bit, but I also didn’t want her to have regrets, later.
“I was trying to figure out a way to keep my relationship and stay with my niece. Then Noah threw me another offer—an offer of unconditional love and sacrifice, and I still couldn’t accept.”
“What was this offer?”
“He said he’d quit his job with the Navy and move up here with me. As long as I came home to him every night as a married couple, he’d give up everything so I could be with Ali.”
“Damn. That’s quite a white flag. You still pushed him away after he conceded everything to you? Why? How?”
“Noah’s father is a five-star, sit with the President at monthly meetings, respected in every branch of the military, man.”
I whistled in appreciation and admiration. “And?”
“And he’s offered Noah a chance to further his career…in Europe. Admiral Bergstrom thought Noah and I might be married by now and living with him in parts of Europe.”
“So you’d rather be miserable alone than see Noah miss an opportunity of advancement?”
I felt Marni’s body wince when she admitted, “Something like that. It’s not my place to hold him back. Had he been with Siena, he would have climbed the ranks much quicker.”
“Who is Siena and how can I help you?”
“Never mind Siena. As for helping me, if you can come up with a solution for me to be in Europe and LA simultaneously, I’ll be in my perfect world.”
“Before I solve your crisis, I need to know something.” With her head still on my chest, she nodded her consent. “Did I break your heart when you broke up with me?”
This was where she untangled herself from me. “Where did that come from?” By the irritation in her voice, this wasn’t the right topic for now…or ever.
Initially, I wanted to go on the attack and ask all kinds of questions. Instead, I grabbed the baby monitor, led Marni to the chairs and table off the balcony of my bedroom, and told her to “stay put.”
I went to the kitchen and made us some coffee while I calmed myself down. Instinctively, I was pissed I needed to be on the defensive about us. We ended a long time ago. There shouldn’t be any lingering doubt about what happened to Ben and Marni. I believed it was a clean break; Marni led me to believe it was a clean break. I didn’t like the shroud of secrecy.
When I got back to my bedroom, I found Marni cleaning house. She picked up the clothes that littered the ground. She made the bed that hadn’t been made since Melody was here to make sure it was done.
I saw that Mar had tears in her eyes as her outstretched hand didn’t know what to do with Melody’s bathroom products still laying on the counter. Many months later, I couldn’t touch the makeup my wife had last used before leaving me.
“Sorry,” she said, wiping her tears. “I was cleaning and absentmindedly started putting away Mel’s makeup. I assume you don’t want me to move any of the hundred products she used every morning?”
I laughed at that true statement. “My wife was a bit of a makeup junkie, huh?”
“Makeup junkie, makeup whore, hoarder, nut—whateve
r fits.” Mar laughed with me. “Did you know she practiced putting on makeup at the age of three?”
I laughed even harder. “I remember she went to kindergarten with her face all made up. Stupid me thought she’d been beaten up by someone because her eye was black, her cheeks were ruby red, and her lips looked three-times their usual size.”
We were both holding our stomachs with laughter. Finally, I reminisced about my late wife without feeling desperate.
“Should I leave everything in this chaotic mess? You want to hold her memory this way?” Mar asked sincerely.
I nodded yes. “Yeah. This mess was always the same every morning for the past ten years. I feel as if she’s still here when I see this mess.”
Mel’s sister understood. She carefully wiped and dusted around the makeup bottles, but didn’t touch the actual products.
“I’m almost done. You can set the coffee on the table.”
While Mar finished up, I sat and enjoyed the view of the ocean. “Lots of people out today.”
“I know.” Marni joined me. “What are people doing sailing and surfing on a Thursday morning? Don’t you LA people work?”
“Speaking of work, I wrote the music for a big budget movie action flick that’s premiering next week. You want to go?”
“To a premiere?—as in movie stars, red carpet, and more movie stars?” Mar’s eyes got wide.
“Yeah.”
“Sure.” She jumped at the offer, but then said, “What about Ali? Can we take her?”
“No. I don’t think she’ll like the movie, I don’t think the movie-goers will like her in the theater, and last but not least, it’ll be past her bedtime.”
“Who would we leave her with?” Mar shook her head at the thought of leaving her niece with someone. “You go ahead. I’ll stay home with Ali.”
Even before she finished her thought, I had the phone on my ear.
“Didn’t you just leave here? Did you forget something?”
“You want to play Grandma Jackie next Thursday so your daughter and I and can attend a movie premiere?”
“Won’t the real grandma have a conniption if she knows her granddaughter is with the other woman?”
“Your mother is a hoot,” I said loudly.
Mar took the phone from me. “Hey Mom. You don’t have to come up next week. I’ll stay home with Ali. Don’t worry about it.”
The conversation ended quickly.
“What time will she be here?” I was sure of myself where Jackie and Ali were concerned.
“As soon as you clear your garage so she can park her new convertible in it. She says she doesn’t want the muggy beach weather ruining her tan leather.”
I let out a “Ha! I knew it. She’s the best grandma out there.”
“You better not say that in front of your own mom.”
“Oh, shit! I forgot to tell you. Mom and Dad are back next week.”
“What? Already? Why?”
“What did I predict? It’s the Alice Howard effect. They miss her so much; they canceled the rest of their trip and are headed home.”
“You did tell them I was here to take care of her? They don’t have to return this soon.”
“Trust me. They only stayed away for this long because they knew their granddaughter was in good care. They’ve seen most of the world, already. They only want to see their little girl, now.” With my parents and Mar around, Ali couldn’t be in better care.
“Where will your parents stay? I thought they leased out their house when they left?”
“The couple who leased their home are leaving at the end of the month. The wife lost her job and they’re in over their heads with rent. Mom and Dad will stay here for a couple of weeks until the renters clear out.”
“With your parents, my mom, and Mel’s parents all within a block of one another, it’ll be like old times, kinda.”
“I just hope World War III doesn’t break out.”
Marni agreed with a “Ha!” of her own.
In the end, I unearthed no new answers to all the questions swimming in my head because I didn’t ask. I was still in the dark about my own past, but I liked this level of comfort and familial intimacy between my ex and me.
Deep in my heart, I knew we, three, would be all right.
Chapter 9 Marni (Past)
Dare You To Move ~Switchfoot
“You’re home.”
“That I am.” What a stupid thing to say to my sister.
After Rome, I went straight to Mom’s and drove up to the dress rehearsal at the last excusable moment. I dreaded being in the house with all the merriment, so I stayed away as long as I could.
Things were still really awkward between Mel and myself. How did I know it was awkward? Because I hadn’t spoken to Mel since her engagement party.
“You’re here!” Ben came over and gave me a giant hug. With my sister watching our interaction, I didn’t know whether to return the affection. “How was your semester away?”
“Fantastic. I miss it already.”
“After we come back from our road trip, you’ll have to tell us all about it.” Ben spoke as if nothing was wrong with this situation.
“Sure.” I couldn’t share the jovial sentiment. By the look on Mel’s face, I knew she agreed.
“Did Mel tell you that we’ll be touring America for our honeymoon?” The soon-to-be newlyweds looked ridiculously happy.
“No. I just got here so we haven’t had time to talk. How cool is that to see all of America? How long will this tour take?”
“Almost a year,” Mel joined the conversation. “If it’s as successful as we think it will be, there’s a chance it’ll take us to Europe, Asia, and Australia.” The bride gave the groom a giddy smile.
“Wow.” I was impressed. Ben’s songs were all over the radio, but I didn’t realize it was that huge. “Congrats, Ben. I see my sister has been a force for good.”
“My gorgeous muse—that’s what I call Melody. Even her name was a beautiful foreshadowing.” The adoration in their eyes was painful to watch. My sister and my soon-to-be brother-in-law were crazy in love.
Left speechless watching their exchange, I stood there feeling stupid. I had nothing to add to this conversation. “I’ll see you inside. I’m sure you’re busy.” I walked away before they could stop me—not that either had a reason to do so.
“Hi Dad. Hi Jean.” Sixteen years later, I still couldn’t call Jean, “Mom.”
“Marni. You’re back.”
“You’re home.” “You’re here.” “You’re back.” That was the extent of my welcome from the family.
“Yes. I’m back.” Not that you ever called me the entire semester I was away. “How have you both been?”
Dad stood up to embrace me and walked me outside. The move was a bit bizarre, but I didn’t question him.
“You had a good trip?”
“Yes. Thank you. You and Jean have been well?”
“Yes. We have.”
I didn’t know when this formality between “Daddy” and me began, but it made me sad. I used to be Daddy’s little girl, and he adored his two girls equally. Then one day, he treated me as a grown up while his other little girl stayed just that—Daddy’s little girl. Perhaps it was just my imagination.
“Is there a reason why we’re outside, Dad? Isn’t the rehearsal starting soon?”
Dad was uncomfortable with me, more so than usual. “Jean and I wanted to make sure you were all right with what was happening.”
So in other words, he and his wife wanted assurance that their daughter’s wedding wouldn’t be interrupted by a dowdy, pouting older sister. I could have handled this situation one of two ways. I could have been a total nightmare and bitched about “what was happening.” But, I decided to take the high road and answer, “I’m fine.” That’s all I gave him and walked back into the church.
“Marni!” My cousin Charmaine ran into me—literally and purposely. “I’ve missed you, you jetsetter. Those pictur
es you sent from Rome were to die for!”
“I’ve missed you, too, Char. How have things been here?”
“You mean how is Bridezilla doing?” My cousin rolled her eyes. “I swear. She’s nothing like you. She must take after Jean’s side of the family.”
In private, all my cousins called Jean by her first name.
“Charmaine!” We heard the call.
“Bridezilla is calling. Save me a spot at the dinner table.”
“Sure thing.” I watched Charmaine run in to do her maid-of-honor duties.
Sitting toward the back of the church, I watched the commotions of the rehearsal. Where each person was to stand, at what point each person was to enter, where family members would sit, who was responsible for which duty—there was a place in this wedding for everyone but me. I was the one who came dressed like a beach bum to a formal, a tie-dyed carnation among roses, the English-speaking tourist amidst all foreigners.
“How are you doing?” Someone whispered close to my ear.
I turned to find that Ben’s father was sitting next to me in the pew.
“Would it be wrong to say I feel like an unwanted guest? A three-day-old fish dish at a sumptuous banquet? A senior citizen at a frat party?” Ben Sr. laughed a little too loudly for my liking. Everyone glared at me as if I’d interrupted a solemn wedding. “You got me into trouble.” I whispered.
“Sorry.” Ben’s father was not sorry. He was still laughing fairly loudly.
“Are you done?” My annoyed tone didn’t deter the chuckle. “As it is, I’m the unwanted prodigal daughter, ex-girlfriend, sister, take your pick.”
“I always loved your sense of humor. Melody is not quite as let-loose as you always were.”
“Mel is probably just stressed. Who knows? I might have been a psychotic bride-to-be.”
“Shea and I’ve seen both you girls grow up. You’ve always been the protective older sister who could take any situation in stride. Both my son and soon-to-be daughter-in-law are led by their emotions. That’s not always good.”
“Mel seems to be a world of good for Ben on a level I could never be. Once the heartache dies, I’m sure I’ll be happy for them. They are my family.”