by Cee, DW
“You are good on a level very few people could dream to be, Marni. You’ll find that man who’ll beg you to stand at the altar with him.”
“I hope so, Mr. Howard.” The sigh that escaped me was genuine. Smiling while watching a mock wedding made my chest hurt, regardless that I had a good man like Noah as a boyfriend.
If watching the mock wedding hurt, watching the real thing from the front pew killed. It was like a repeated stabbing to the heart with every smile, every touch, and every look of eternal love.
What made the day worse were the pitying stares. The family members who knew I had dated Ben all looked on with a shared condolence.
“You look like a fish out of water.” Charmaine walked with me to the family picture station.
“A suffocating fish out of water is exactly how I feel,” I answered as quietly as possible. I didn’t want to emit any negative vibes.
“This tight pink dress makes me feel the same way. I don’t know how I’ll eat dinner tonight.”
“It was a beautiful wedding.”
“Hey.” Char nudged. “It’s me. Your favorite cousin. You don’t have to pretend. You don’t have to be brave. After this is over, let’s go share a tub of ice cream and commiserate. After five years, Ritchie Rich and I decided to call it quits, too.” I understood. I empathized.
I put on a brave face, a plastered smile, and a pleasant attitude the rest of the night.
How are you doing? My mother texted. I assume the wedding is over?
Yes, it’s over. It was a beautiful wedding and I am doing as well as you’d expect.
Will you come home tonight?
I think I’ll spend the night at Char’s. I’ll be home tomorrow.
I love you, Sweet Girl. Don’t be sad about situations you can’t control.
I love you, too, Mom.
“You did good, Cousin.”
“So did you, Char. You were the prettiest one up there, next to the bride, of course.”
“Of course!” We both giggled. “You ready for our ice cream fest?”
“You have stretchy pants I can borrow so I can eat as much ice cream as I want?”
“Hell yeah, Cousin! Let’s go.”
After a very difficult two days, I saw the light at the end of what seemed like a never-ending tunnel.
I only wished Noah were here to stop me from eating too much ice cream.
Chapter 9 Noah (Present)
Dare You To Move ~Switchfoot
“You’re home.” Mom was alarmed to see me in her New York penthouse.
“Where exactly is home for me?” I asked.
“Oh.” Mom giggled. “For a second, I saw you as a little boy coming home from school.”
“When I was a little boy, we didn’t live here.”
“I know that, you silly goose. I was just surprised, that’s all.” The mother hen in her was coming out. She walked over and hugged me. “What’s wrong? More problems with Marni?”
“I ended it with her.”
With that statement came a lot of fussing, more food than two people could consume, and a walk around Central Park.
“We’ll keep walking until you tell me everything.”
“We can’t possibly walk this entire place.” The complaint went nowhere. I told my mommy everything.
It took Mom some time before she said anything. “As sorry as I am that you and Marni couldn’t work out your relationship, I thank her for pushing you to continue your career. After putting ten years in with the Navy, and after all your father’s done for you, you can’t just give it up—not even for Marni. You have a responsibility to finish what you’ve started.”
“Yes, Mother.” I couldn’t argue even if I wanted to when Cecily Hanover decided to further her cause.
She stopped talking again. We passed the zoo and almost crossed over toward Columbus Circle before saying, “Have you ever wondered why Marni is so attached to this baby?”
“Um, because she carried her for nine months? Because her sister died so young? Because that asshole brother-in-law made her feel guilty enough to give up her life for this little girl?”
“But why would she give up her entire life for this little girl? I get her brother-in-law is in a bind, but there must be family other than herself who can help.”
“Her reason was that Ali was a baby and couldn’t take care of herself. She says it’s temporary, until something or someone better comes along.”
“What does that mean? She’s going to take care of her until the father remarries, or until the child goes to college?” Mom sounded about as flabbergasted as I felt. “That’s ridiculous.”
“I know, Mom. Why do you think I’m here? I’m utterly lost.”
“Do you think Marni never forgave you for what happened so many years ago?”
“She says that isn’t it, but I don’t know. She will always wonder and doubt, no matter what she denies.”
“That was very stupid of you, Son. That might have been your second biggest mistake.”
“Second? What’s my first?”
“Letting Marni go for the second time. You couldn’t forget her after only having dated a few months. Do you think ten years later, you’ll be able to walk away?”
“What choice do I have?” I whined. “What’s the answer, Mom?”
Mom went back to silent mode. We finished grocery shopping at the store before Cecily Hanover gave me her solution.
“After I coddle you a little longer, go back to Marni and tell her you love her. You can’t live without her. Tell her you’ll let her do what she needs to do with the baby, but she’ll be with you every weekend. You promise her that you’ll drive to Los Angeles after work on Friday and spend three full nights with her until you have to leave early Monday morning. She can bring the baby to your place if need be.”
“Mother. I don’t have a place in Los Angeles,” I reminded her.
“So rent a place for a year.” She spoke as if it was no big deal to support two households. “When she sees the effort you’ve gone through, she couldn’t possibly say no to you.”
“I’ve offered to move to LA and give up my life for her and she still said no.” What a damn depressing thought.
Apparently, Mom didn’t think the same way I did. “She doesn’t want you to give up your life for her. That’s too much pressure. Plus, Marni loves you. She wants what’s best for you, and she knows you moving to Europe is what’s best.”
“So if I’m driving to LA every weekend, when am I advancing my career?”
“Why don’t you decide to try this for six months, or a year? Give it a specified time and if at that point it doesn’t work, you break up for good.”
“Why should I go through all this trouble when she’s unwilling to even meet me halfway?”
“Noah.” Now, she was in her mom-knows-best mode. “If it wasn’t for Alice’s situation, you and Marni would still be together, probably getting married very soon. You both love one another. It would be a shame to separate because of an unfortunate situation. You were forced to separate.”
“I don’t know, Mom. She didn’t even look back when I dropped her off at that asshole’s house. She hasn’t called to tell me she misses me. She’s shacked up with her ex, playing house.”
“Hmmm…” That didn’t sound promising. “We know Marni loves that little girl. You think she loves her father, too? They did date for a long time and a woman who gets dumped by her first love never quite forgets.”
“Mom!” I complained. “I flew here to be comforted by you. I can conjure up depressing scenarios on my own, thank you very much.”
“Sorry!” My mom giggled. “No need to get pissy. I was just trying to come up with other scenarios why Marni would be so absolute about Ali.”
Shit. I thought Mom’s idea about getting a place near Ben’s had merit, but after she mentioned their past, I didn’t want to do anything but hide out in New York.
“Let’s go. It’s cold.” I complained and walked fast.
“Wait, Noah!” I left my mother on the sidewalk to think her crazy conjectures. I was too cold to do anything but run to my bedroom and sleep the next few weeks away.
Chapter 10 Ben (Present)
Falling ~Ray Orbison
“This is crazy!” I commented on the state of affairs in this house.
“I agree!” Marni laughed at chaos.
Marni’s mom came up a day early so she could have ample time with her “granddaughter,” and my parents came home two days early so they could spend time with their granddaughter. This three-bedroom home was overflowing.
“How is it that I went to work this morning with nothing out of place and came home to this chaos?”
Marni and I were hanging out on the balcony off my bedroom while everyone jostled for space.
As of this morning, Marni, Ali, and I each had a bedroom. As of five minutes ago, Jackie was sleeping on Ali’s trundle bed, new sheets were placed on Marni’s bed for Grandma and Grandpa Howard, and I blew up the air mattress in the den-turned-studio for Mar. It was a mess and Ali loved it.
“I think we are all now settled.” Mar put her foot up on the balcony and joined me in sharing a beer.
“How insane of me to worry about Ali not having enough interaction with people. Soon, she’s going to beg me and every person around her to leave her alone.”
“It’s nice seeing your parents again.”
I huffed in exasperation. “Did you see how they barely noticed their son, they were so enamored with Ali, Jackie, and YOU? They always liked you—a lot!” It was wrong that my parents all but ignored their only child.
Marni expressed my very own sentiment, “I love seeing that little girl so happy.”
And I loved that this woman loved seeing her niece so happy. “Who’s going to win the Ali tug-of-war?” It was comical how the grandparents were jostling for a higher ranking in my daughter’s world.
“Did you see how disappointed your mom was when you said Jackie would sleep in Ali’s room? She actually asked your father to go to a hotel so she could have a night with her granddaughter, tomorrow.”
I laughed. “What did you and Ali do all day?”
We’d fallen into a seamless routine since the week began. We both got up with Ali and took turns taking care of her morning routine. Mar started the morning by changing Ali’s diaper and pjs, while I showered. About the time Ali had her two bottom teeth brushed and face washed, I came in and played with my daughter while Mar went to get breakfast on the table. It was beautifully coordinated.
Though I only taught twice a week, I went to school daily. With Mar here, creating in the school studio worked better for my schedule. It was also much less distracting. Mar stayed with her niece during the day, took care of the house more than I ever expected, and generally had Ali fed and bathed before I came home. The industrious woman that she was, Mar worked while Ali napped.
Once I got home, I took over baby duties and Mar went to class. After the first two days, Mar decided to slow down her schedule. Rather than taking classes daily, she chose to attend class on Monday and Wednesday nights, with an online class added to her Fridays.
“Your daughter loves to swing so we spent a portion of the morning at the beach park. Then, I made her favorite lunch, put her down for a nap, and as soon as she woke up, the madness ensued.”
“What’s her favorite lunch?” I had been her sole caretaker for almost a year. How had I not noticed this?
Marni laughed and chugged her beer. “Have you not noticed how much your daughter likes fish? It must be the ocean breeze. Halibut, salmon, tuna, you name it, she likes it. But her absolute favorite is a tuna fish sandwich.”
I looked at her dumbfounded. “How did you know this?”
“Think of all she’s eaten since I got here. Regardless of what you order for her, she will be all over your meal or mine, depending on who ordered the fish. Don’t worry. I won’t feed her too much tuna. I know mercury isn’t good for anyone.”
“Where the hell have I been?” I still couldn’t understand how Mar knew something about my child I didn’t know.
Mar was now laughing at me. “You’re still in contention for Father-of-the-Year, Ben Howard. But, you’ll lose out to someone who feeds his daughter if you don’t get your ass off that chair. We’re already late with Ali’s dinner. Let’s get going before she loses it. All this stimulation is going to be hell for me once the grandparents leave.”
“Lead the way, Auntie Mar.”
Dinner was as expected—chaos!
We walked to a family-style Italian joint and while we were listening to my parents talk about their shortened trip, Ali decided to wear her plate of spaghetti and meatballs. There was tomato sauce, noodles, and broken up ground beef all over her curly red hair. If that wasn’t bad enough, she decided she didn’t like all that sauce dripping into her eyes so she rubbed them before any of us reached her in time. All hell broke loose at this tiny Italian restaurant.
Ali hollered.
All five adults shot up from our seats and crowded her simultaneously.
This little one-year-old angrily waved us all off except for Mar.
She cried, “Mamamama,” and held out her hands to the only person she wanted comfort from—not her father, not her grandparents, and not even Jackie who adored her like her own flesh and blood.
Ali reached out to Mar and her auntie didn’t hesitate. Once she cleaned out Ali’s eyes and wiped off the dripping marinara sauce from her head, Mar held my daughter close to her body. It mattered not that there would be greasy tomato stains on her cashmere sweater. It mattered not that Ali was rubbing her stain-soaked head into Mar’s neck. She loved her niece unconditionally and told us all to stay and finish our meals. Auntie Marni was taking her niece home.
The rest of us ate our dinner as instructed. The minute I was done with my meal, I packed up Mar’s dinner, anxious to get back to Ali. The three other adults took their time enjoying dinner and getting reacquainted.
“Please stay as long as you like.” I couldn’t wait around any longer. “I’m going to see if Mar needs my help.”
No one cared to refuse me. They nodded their heads and went about their conversation.
I rushed home and ran up to Ali’s room to find a beautiful picture of the two girls in my life.
Both dressed in fluffy bathrobes with wet curly hair covering the front of their faces, they were in the rocking chair, Mar reading to a sleeping Ali.
“Hey.” I whispered. “Why don’t I finish up here?” No other words were necessary.
Ali protested the changing of the guards. As soon as her eyes opened and she saw me rather than her current favorite person, Ali’s whimper turned to a wail.
“Let me?” I appreciated the fact that Mar asked rather than assumed. While it didn’t make me happy to see my daughter literally pushing me away, the look of love and trust between the two girls changed everything.
My views on life, love, and future spun in a completely different direction than I imagined possible after Mel’s death.
It was wrong of me to feel this way and alter Ali’s and my course of life. But, my eyes and heart opened to the shocking inevitable.
Confused and upset about what I’d just witnessed in myself, I left Mar to care for Ali and went out for a walk.
I needed to sort out my head—badly.
The sight of Mar rocking Ali in the chair was branded on my mind, and in my heart. Mary Cassat couldn’t have drawn a more perfect picture of woman and child. Shit! There was no damn way I was feeling anything for Mar. She was my late wife’s sister, Ali’s aunt and caretaker. Whatever I thought I felt for her back in my daughter’s room was an error, a mistake, a serious, crazy, jacked-up way of thinking.
After this walk, I’d go home and feel nothing again. Life would go back to the comfortable routine of taking care of the most important person in our lives.
“Ben.” Mom was up waiting for me when I finally returned home. “
Are you all right?” She looked me over as only a mother could. “You want to talk?”
My father was on his way up to their room when he called out, “Beer with your mother and me for old time’s sake?”
Within minutes, we were comfortably ensconced out on the patio off what used to be my parents’ bedroom.
“Your mom and I made good use of this balcony after you went to bed every night. You were quite a handful.”
“I know. I used to get up in the middle of the night and find you and Mom laughing and having a party out here without me. I swore when I grew up, I’d have the same parties every night.”
Raising our cans of beer, my father and I thumped a cheer.
“Speaking of making good use, I see Marni is enjoying the lap pool. I think she’s used that pool more than all of us combined.” Mom spoke but we were already listening to the arms gliding and the legs kicking in the water.
“How’s it going with Marni? It appears she’s taken complete control of the house and your daughter.”
I stared at my dad, unsure how to answer him. Being the only child, my parents and I had always been close. However, was it wise to explain something I didn’t understand?
“She’s marvelous. It’s me who’s unsure of what’s happening.”
My parents had only been here a few hours, but they already understood. “Your life didn’t stop when your wife passed away. Melody would want you to continue living for yourself as well as for your baby.”
Perhaps they were right, but I didn’t feel good about living without my wife. She was still so much a part of my heart. I didn’t think I could love anyone again for a long while.
“I’m just grateful she’s here to care for Ali. As long as Ali is happy, so am I.”
There were no answers, parental advice, or unwanted clichés. My parents were surprisingly laissez-faire with their only child. We only sat and listened to the waves crashing in the night. To be honest, my attention stayed riveted to the barely-there waves from the lap pool. They made too deep an impression on my mind.