Love Means Everything

by Emma Easter

  Sienna looked away from Audrey’s gaze and wondered whether to tell her about the move or wait until she and Bryan could tell everyone at the same time. Audrey wasn’t on very good terms with Trisha now and Sienna knew it was killing her. Telling her that she was moving from the country would only add to Audrey’s distress. Still, she couldn’t keep hiding it. She and Bryan would be moving in about a month.

  She finally opened her mouth to tell her and then changed her mind again. It was better to tell her, Ken, Trish, and Faizan at the same time. What was most important now was mending the rift between her sisters before she left for South America. She said, “It’s just that I’m worried about this fight between you and Trisha. You guys need to end it.”

  Audrey frowned. “I’m not fighting with her. I’m just not willing to pretend that everything is all right when she’s decided to marry Stan again. Stan the professional adulterer, Sienna! Why would she ever get back with him?” She looked at Sienna with an incredulous expression on her face.

  “I know,” Sienna sighed wearily. “I hate that she’s back with him, but what can we do? We can only support her even if we don’t agree with her decision. The solution is not to stop talking to her, Audrey. She needs us more than ever now. And will you cut off Ruby as well because of Stan?”

  “I don’t plan to permanently cut off Trish or Ruby. I just want her to come to her senses and leave Stan. I think every day of how heartbroken Frank Kessler is.”

  “Frank. He’s back in Boise, isn’t he?”

  Audrey nodded. “He was supposed to stay in Rosefield for a month to try to win Trish’s heart while also overseeing the building of his restaurant, but Trisha’s rejection made him cut his stay abruptly. He left the day after Trish told him she wasn’t interested in him. He knew Trish was planning to get back with Stan. The last time I called him, he didn’t sound like his usual self. I think Trish has finally broken him.”

  Sienna shook her head. “Stop it, Audrey! That can’t be true. He was probably just stressed out or something the day you talked to him.”

  “No, I don’t think so. His heart is irreparably broken.”

  “Audrey… that is so not true! Besides, you can’t blame Trish for that. It’s not like you can force her to develop feelings for Frank when she doesn’t have them. She loves Stan. You can’t choose who you love.”

  “Yes, you can!”

  “Umm… no, you can’t! Did you choose to love Ken or did you fall in love with him?”

  “I did fall in love with him… but only because I chose to. I got to know Ken and found out he was a great guy. I knew my heart would be safe with him. And love is not just a feeling. It’s a choice. You can choose to fall in love or not to fall in love with someone. Trish knows that Stan is a terrible guy. She could have chosen not to fall for him again.”

  Sienna gazed at her sister, knowing she was right. “I guess I was really lucky with Bryan, then. I didn’t really know that it was my choice to fall in love or not fall in love with him when I met him. Thankfully, he is a great guy and easy to fall in love with.”

  Audrey nodded. “That’s what I’m saying. Why would Trisha fall for someone who has proven to her over and over again that her heart isn’t safe with him?”

  “You know what, Audrey? I think the reason Trish wants to remarry Stan now has little to do with her falling in love with him as her having a father for Ruby. She’s told me on several occasions that the most important thing to her is for Ruby to be raised with a father and mother. I think she chose to get back with Stan because he is Ruby’s biological dad.”

  “Just because he’s Ruby’s biological father doesn’t mean he is fit to be a dad. He’s not been in the child’s life for over a year, for goodness’ sake! He wasn’t even there when she was born.” Audrey looked up with a thoughtful expression. “Frank is a great guy and he loves kids. I think he would have made a great father for Ruby.”

  “Will you stop with the ‘Frank is this’ and ‘Frank will do that’? She isn’t interested in Frank and we all need to accept that.”

  Audrey put her hand on her forehead. “Fine! I won’t talk about Frank anymore.”

  “And will you try to reconcile with Trish?”

  “If you are asking me to visit her when Stan is almost living in the house now, then no, I won’t!”

  “Audrey!”

  “Okay, I guess I can invite her out to lunch or something.”

  “Promise you will do that. For my sake…” she clamped her mouth shut as she realized she’d almost given away her secret.

  Audrey shifted closer to her and looked her in the eye. “What are you hiding, little sister?”

  Sienna huffed. No one could get anything past Audrey. She pressed her lips together and didn’t say anything.

  “Tell me, Sienna. What is it?”

  “Okay,” Sienna said wearily. “Bryan and I are moving… to Peru.”

  Audrey’s eyes grew wide with shock. She shook her head slowly and then said, “Tell me you are joking, Sienna. Please.”

  “I’m not. He was offered a ministry position in South America and we are moving there by month’s end.”

  “No… no… no! You aren’t going anywhere. Where is that Bryan?” Audrey stood up. “Let me ask him why he wants to take my sister away to another country.”

  Sienna looked up at Audrey in alarm. “Please leave my husband alone. He’s not taking me away. I agreed wholeheartedly to follow him.”

  Audrey looked down at her as though she had lost her mind.

  “Sit down, Audrey. You’re making me nervous.”

  Audrey slowly sat. She frowned at Sienna and said, “Why would Bryan even think of accepting such a position?”

  “He’s sure it’s God’s will for us, and you know Bryan hears the Lord’s voice clearly. I didn’t want to go at first, but I have decided to submit to God’s will for us and go without any fuss.”

  “But you are pregnant!”

  “They have good medical facilities there, too.”

  Audrey shook her head as though she hadn’t heard anything Sienna had said.

  “What will I do without you?” she suddenly cried out.

  Sienna’s heart began to break again. This was why she’d been so devastated when Bryan had told her about the move. She would miss her siblings so much, and they would miss her, too. She felt bad for being the one to cause Audrey so much misery. “I’ll call every day, Audrey. It will be fine.”

  “It won’t be the same!”

  “I know.” Sienna put her arms around her sister and listened as Audrey moaned and grumbled. At last, after she was spent, she gave a long sigh and settled her head on Sienna’s shoulder. “I just won’t think about it right now,” she said. “I’ll just pretend that you will always be here until you leave.”

  Sienna rubbed Audrey’s back comfortingly but didn’t say anything.

  One down, two to go, she thought grimly. If this was the reaction she was going to get when she told Trish about her move, she wasn’t looking forward to it. Neither was she looking forward to the move, but her heart was still made up. She would go to the ends of the Earth with her husband, because he was totally worth it.

  *****

  Zainah flopped down on Fatima’s sofa, tired after another day of combing the town for any kind of available work. She sighed and then shut her eyes and prayed for the umpteenth time since the day began. “Lord, please help me find a job.” She felt hopeless as she prayed. She’d been searching for work for a long time now, and still hadn’t found any.

  Fatima came into the living room and smiled sympathetically at her. “Nothing, still?”

  “Nothing. I’m losing hope, Fatima.”

  “Don’t lose hope. You’ll find something soon.” Fatima touched her shoulder and then went back into the kitchen.

  Zainah sighed again and went into the bedroom she and Leila shared. She raised her brows in surprise when she saw Leila sitting on the bed. Usually, Leila left the house in the morni
ngs to God knew where and came back in the evenings. She had stopped asking where her friend went, even though she had her suspicions, because every time she’d questioned her in the past, it had always resulted in a fight.

  Leila looked up at her. “No luck today again?”

  Zainah sat on the bed and shook her head. A sudden resentment rose up in her. Why was she the only one trying to get a job? The amount she had saved up to hire an investigator when she’d worked for the Rahmanis was depleting fast because she had to take care of not just her needs but Leila’s as well. She’d helped Fatima, who was a single mother, with part of the rent and food. Leila had also gotten money from her for “very important expenses.”

  She tried to push down her resentment but it refused to budge. Finally, she said to Leila, “Where do you go every day? You could also be looking for a job like I am.”

  Leila looked away and said, “I have no skills. What kind of job could I get? And if you haven’t found one, what makes you think I’ll have better luck finding a job?”

  “You don’t need any skills, really, to find a job as a…”

  “Don’t say maid!” Leila exclaimed. “I’m not like you. I can’t work as someone’s personal servant.”

  Anger boiled in Zainah’s stomach and threatened to spill out of her mouth. She pushed it down and said to Leila, “Well, we don’t have a choice. The money I saved up to find Faizan has almost run out because I used it to help Fatima with rent and food. You also took some of it, if you need me to remind you. I need to get a job fast and so do you.”

  Leila turned to her with guilt clearly written on her face. “You told me at the camp that your father is wealthy. Why don’t you go to your family and ask your father for the money you need?”

  Zainah’s jaw dropped as Leila spoke. She could say nothing but stare at her friend. After a long moment, she finally found her voice. “Are you out of your mind, Leila? You want me to return to the family who ostracized me and actually chased me out of my town because of my faith?”

  Leila shrugged. “I think by now your family would regret chasing you out from your community. They haven’t seen you in, like, what… ten or eleven years? By now, they will miss you terribly. When you go back, they will be so happy that they’ll give you anything you want.” She stood up from the bed and began to shed her clothes.

  Zainah bit her lip. She felt slightly tempted to do what Leila was telling her to do, but she knew it was madness. There was no way she was going back to her old community and her family.

  Why not, though? a voice in her head asked. After all, you miss them very much.

  She thought about it some more. Maybe Leila is right. Maybe I should go back, especially if I want to get the money to hire the investigator and ultimately find Faizan.

  But she gradually rejected the idea. Her small town was a very strict Islamic community and her family was the same. That was why they had ostracized her and ultimately driven her out. She doubted they’d changed. Who knew what they would do to her now if she returned?

  She went out of the room into the kitchen to help Fatima with the cooking.

  As she tidied up after Fatima had finished cooking the evening meal, she thought about what Leila had said. She needed money desperately and Leila’s idea, dangerous as it was, was starting to take root in her heart.

  She continued to think about going back to her family, not just because of the money she needed, but because she missed them and wanted to see them again.

  By the time she sat at the table to eat dinner with Fatima and both her children hours later, she had uprooted the thought of going back to her community from her mind. In spite of how badly she wanted the money in order to find Faizan, and how much she missed her family, it was too dangerous. It would threaten her faith. She had to keep searching for a job and pray earnestly that the Lord would help her find one soon. That was her only option now.

  Chapter Thirteen

  Faizan drove out of the soup kitchen parking lot after hours of volunteer work at the place. He was with three other members of the welfare department, including Lauren.

  Lauren sat beside him in the passenger seat while the other two sat in the back of his car. From time to time, he listened in on their conversation, which revolved round a rumor about a TV crew planning to shoot a reality show in Rosefield. However, his mind mostly stayed on Zainah and the request he’d made to his handler. Jake had yet to get back to him.

  “What do you think about that, Faizan?”

  He lifted his brows and turned to Lauren, who had asked the question. “Umm… sorry, what do I think about what?”

  She gave him a half-smile. “You weren’t listening, Faizan? Jenny asked if any of us would ever agree to star in a reality show. I said it depends on what the show was about and I asked what you thought about it.”

  He shrugged. “I guess my answer will be the same as yours… though I’d probably not.”

  They continued to chat while his mind strayed again. What’s Zainah doing right now? He wondered. Life in the women’s camp was somewhat regimented, at least from what he’d observed when he was there. It was noon where she was. That meant she would either be preparing lunch for the whole camp if it was her turn to do so, or getting water for the women whose turn it was to cook.

  Or she could be tending to some other poor hurt guy who has strayed into the camp, like she tended to you.

  His heart suddenly twisted with jealousy at the thought, and then he tried to brush away the irrational feeling. It was unlikely that another hurt guy would come or be found near the camp like he had been. And even if that was the case, and as the camp nurse she had to take care of the guy, she wouldn’t fall in love with him.

  She had told him that she loved him before he’d left the camp. She wasn’t the type of woman to throw that word around or fall out of love so quickly. And there was also her vow of chastity. She’d fallen for him even though she hadn’t wanted to. Surely, she still loved him just as he loved her.

  Still, the worrying thought that she might have fallen out of love with him didn’t leave his mind. He got to the church parking lot and everyone got out and headed to their various cars. Everyone except for Lauren.

  He sat waiting for her to exit the car so he could go home. When she didn’t, he turned curiously to her and found that she was looking at him.

  “You were quiet throughout the drive back here,” she said to him. “I guess you have a lot on your mind.”

  “I do,” he said to her.

  “Do you want to share? Talking about it can help.”

  “It’s not something I really want to talk about right now,” he said apologetically.

  She gave him a sad smile. “That’s okay. I think I can guess what it is, though.”

  He raised his brows quizzically as he looked at her. “You can?”

  “Yes. You are thinking about that woman you’re in love with. I can see it in your eyes.” She sighed. “That is one lucky woman.”

  Faizan chuckled. “I don’t know about that. I’m sure if she could choose right now, she would shed her love for me. Unfortunately, even though we both love each other very much, we can’t be together.”

  Lauren nodded. “Because of the distance.”

  “Umm… not just that. It’s really more complicated than just the fact that we live thousands of miles apart.”

  “Oh,” Lauren gazed at him. “I understand how complicated matters of the heart can be. I was in love with a man who abused me for years and I refused to leave him until he almost killed me.”

  Faizan blinked at this new revelation from her. He hadn’t known her ex-husband’s abuse had been as serious as almost taking her life. He shook his head as he looked at her. “That had to be so tough for you.”

  She nodded. “Many people I knew didn’t understand why I stayed with him. I don’t think I fully understood why either. At least, not until now. I just thought it was because I loved him. But I now realize it was because I was afraid no
one would love me the way he had supposedly loved me. I strangely believed his jealous fits of anger were due to how much he cared for me and that he couldn’t control himself because of that.”

  “We sometimes make excuses for the inexcusable,” he said, as he remembered his past life and how he’d justified the things he had done; how he’d also justified Mustafa and looked up to him as his hero. In that way, he could totally relate to what Lauren was saying.

  She nodded. “For a while after Richie, my ex-husband, went to jail, I blamed myself. If I hadn’t called Ken the night he was arrested, he would not be locked up in prison. I had to learn as the months went by that he deserved what he got.”

  He sighed. “I deserved the same thing your ex got and even worse, but the Lord delivered me. I am forever grateful for that, but once in a while I feel guilty for not getting the punishment I was supposed to. Many times, though, I feel this separation between the woman I love and me is the punishment I deserve.”

  She looked intently at him. “I was holding on to so much pain because I felt like I deserved it, but I learned to let it all go. I think you should as well.”

  He shook his head. “But that’s the thing. You didn’t deserve the pain. I did. I do.”

  She asked softly, “And are you sure that isn’t the reason why you’re still holding on to that woman even though you know you’ll never be able to be together?”

  He blinked. “I am holding on because I love her with all my heart.”

  “I understand that. But you are also living the life of a martyr now. If you never open your heart to love again, you might spend the rest of your life holding on to a love that will never be.”

  He looked away from her, knowing she was talking about him opening up his heart to her. She was still interested in him even though she knew his heart belonged to another woman. He turned to her again and said as softly as he could, “Lauren, I’ll ask you a question of my own. You know I love someone else. Even if I decide to date you, are you sure you want to be in a relationship with a man whose heart belongs to another woman?”