Built to Belong

by Natalie Franke

  Across the river that same week, a teenage boy was also registered for rowing—by his mother (completely without his knowledge). Her hope was that rowing would finally get him off the couch, away from his video games, and outside into nature. You can imagine that he was less than thrilled when he found out.

  On my first day at the boathouse, I spotted him.

  Just shy of six feet, with long, shaggy hair, he was standing beside the towering rack of boats, waiting for practice to begin. I nervously walked up and introduced myself in the most cringeworthy way possible.

  “Hey! I’m Natalie,” I said with a wave.

  “Hi, I’m Hugh,” he mumbled.

  “Who?” I asked, completely unsure of what he had just said. It sounded a heck of a lot like the word “who,” but I had never met anyone with that name before.

  “H-U-G-H,” he said a bit louder, trying to enunciate his name. I could tell this wasn’t the first time he had to do that.

  Shaking my head, I responded, “Um, did you just say whooooo? I’m sorry, I…”

  “Huey,” he said kindly. “Just call me Huey.”

  I laughed.

  Yikes, I was bad at this… like, really, really bad at this. I could feel my cheeks turning a familiar shade of red.

  “Oh, Huey… That’s a cool name. Well, it’s really nice to meet you.”

  Our uncomfortable introduction was swiftly interrupted by the roaring voice of our Russian rowing coach, Veetus, who told us to take a dozen laps around the field before we were ready to rig our first boat. Huey and I took off jogging together, side by side.

  We spent that first day at practice partnered up through every exercise and lesson that Veetus threw our way. Neither of us had any idea what we were doing. Likewise, neither of us joined the rowing team expecting to meet our best friend.

  Sometimes we cannot quite envision how our lives will change when we disrupt our daily routine to try something new. Sometimes our paths cross with others in the community and our world is never quite the same again.

  In setting out to find new passions or breaking free from the patterns of the past, we create room for new relationships to take root. We set out to find a hobby, a cause worth fighting for, a way to connect with nature—and we end up gaining so much more.

  Getting out of our comfort zone and switching up our routines can transform our lives. Leaning into community can change everything.

  When we are young, the groups that we belong to are primarily those that we were born or adopted into. Our family is, after all, the first community that many of us are a part of. As we grow older, we quickly discover that we are capable of choosing our own connections.

  With time, our world view expands beyond what was once familiar. Friendships are formed based on shared interests, experiences, and values. We get involved in causes that we are passionate about or join clubs that bring us joy. We try new things, take up new hobbies.

  We finally get the chance to row on the river like we had dreamed of doing since childhood… or we get kicked off the couch against our will and take up rowing all the same.

  We also experience the challenges that come with community—rejection, heartbreak, and loss. As adults, we often find ourselves searching for relationships that feel like family, to discover that sense of belonging once again.

  However, finding friends as an adult can be difficult. It can be hard to find people you connect with and who accept you for who you truly are. Knowing where to start and where to look for those opportunities to connect can make all the difference.

  Start with yourself.

  Before you can find community with others, you must first find community within yourself. Embracing who you are and learning to love yourself opens the gateway for meaningful relationships with others.

  When you step into your search for community unsure of who you are and weighed down by insecurities, you’re more likely to change yourself to fit in rather than seeking a place where you are accepted for who you truly are.

  Think of it like this: You are like coffee. If someone wants to water you down with creamer and sweeten you up with sugar, then you might not be the right friend for them, and that’s okay. You don’t need to change yourself to be liked, and knowing that at the start of your quest to find community is important.

  Searching for true belonging means that we must know and love ourselves first. It is from a place of self-confidence that we step forward boldly into finding a community where we truly belong.

  Start right where you are.

  You don’t need to look far to find meaningful ways to engage in community. The spaces where we live, work, exercise, and worship are already rich in opportunities to connect with others. Begin with a list of the spaces and groups that you are already a part of and analyze whether you are truly engaging in the opportunities that already exist.

  Oftentimes, I find that people are surrounded by communities; however, they aren’t truly connected to them.

  Sometimes this is due to the fear of rejection or the misperception that wading in the shallow end of relationships is enough to fill our cup. Sometimes it is caused by a misalignment between what we truly need and where we are spending our time. Sometimes it is because we have outgrown the spaces where we once belonged, and it is time to stretch our wings.

  Communities like friendships can come into our lives for a season. They can grow and change just as we do. They can serve us well and then no longer be what we need. When you start by looking right where you are, you can learn a lot about what is working and what is not.

  Remember, it is okay to admit that the communities you are a part of are not serving you in this season. It is also okay to recommit and lean in deeper to the places where you see the potential for meaningful relationships.

  From here, we can set out to find our community. I have a simple three-step framework to help you get there, and then we can talk about what to do once you’ve found a good opportunity to engage.

  It starts with understanding what you are looking for.

  1. Identify the type of community you need.

  Before you head to a search engine and stare at a blank cursor, wondering where to find a community in which you’ll belong, you must understand the type of community that best fits this season of your life.

  Different types of communities serve different purposes. There are communities centered around taking action, a common passion, shared life experiences, a specific place, or profession. There are communities that meet in-person and others that meet online. There are weekly gatherings and annual conventions.

  Below we dive into five taxonomies that house an infinite list of groups and subgroups. It is important to note that this is far from exhaustive. However, it is a broad enough framework to help you think through the places where you can connect with others so that you can truly find your people.

  1. Action: Action-oriented communities are centered around an external problem that needs solving. These groups are made up of people trying to bring about positive change in areas that matter deeply to them.

  Think of something that you would like to see change in the world or your hometown, then look for a group of others who are actively trying to accomplish that.

  Examples of action-oriented communities include volunteer opportunities, grassroots movements, political parties/action groups, fundraising efforts, environmental groups, and social-justice organizations. Many charities have opportunities to volunteer, which can lead to long-term community-led opportunities to serve and make a positive impact.

  2. Passion: These communities unite around a mutual interest or shared passion. Passion communities can be built upon something broad like a love of cooking or dive deep into something niche like macrame artistry or geocaching. There are passion communities for nearly every obscure hobby and interest imaginable.

  Think of something you like to do or learn about. It can be a childhood interest you want to reexplore as an adult, a sport you would like to
try, or a random fact that you want to learn more about. There is likely a group that actively discusses or meets around that shared passion.

  Examples of passion communities often take the shape of clubs and conventions on nearly any topic you can imagine. Some are massive, like Comic-Con, while others are small, like a local kickball league or bird-watching group.

  3. Shared experience: These communities center around a shared lived experience that is unique to the group, where members can connect on what they are going through or have walked through. These groups often center around solidarity or the pursuit of healing and can be community-led or organized by a professional. Sometimes they are designed to be lifelong, whereas other times the goal is to reach a point where you can move into a different community or leave altogether.

  One of the most common examples of groups centered around a shared life experience are support groups designed to help people navigating an unfamiliar circumstance, illness, addiction, loss, or a difficult season. There are groups for breast cancer survivors, triplet moms, and alcoholics in recovery—all designed to support the members by connecting them with others who have endured a similar experience.

  Within Rising Tide we have two shared-experience groups—our chapter for creatives with chronic illness and our chapter for business owners who are part of a military family. Members of both groups feel safe sharing and getting advice from fellow business owners who are enduring similar life experiences because they share a unique perspective (like the challenges of building a business with a chronic illness; the uncertainty of planting roots and opening your business when the military is likely to move you without notice).

  Being part of infertility communities has been particularly helpful for me during my seasons of treatment. Having a safe space to ask questions, share frustrations, and find people who truly understand can make all the difference.

  Shared-experience communities can serve a powerful purpose in new or challenging seasons in our lives.

  4. Proximity: Communities based on proximity are built around a shared place or space that all members are connected to. Oftentimes proximity is an additional filter through which communities are niched down. However, it can be a stand-alone reason to gather.

  When my husband and I moved to San Francisco, we had a group of friends from Maryland that met up frequently. We were all West Coast transplants, and we appreciated being around fellow Marylanders every once in a while. (It’s nice to not be judged for carrying Old Bay with you everywhere—okay?)

  Examples of proximity-based communities include local gatherings, festivals, and geographically based hobbies that are deeply connected to a specific place. They can be specific to local culture or an annual tradition. They can also center around the nostalgia of a different place that connects all members in a new one (like expatriates that gather in foreign countries or my Maryland friend group meeting up in San Francisco).

  5. Professional: These communities unify around a shared profession or set of skills that you desire to learn in the advancement of your career or business. Members often share knowledge with one another or engage in workshops that give them access to critical information.

  Examples of professional communities include business networking groups, unions, guilds, and skill-building organizations. Some are free to join, while others cost a fee to attend. Each serves to help you unite with others who share similar career goals, aspirations, or experiences.

  Not all communities will fit neatly in one of the boxes above. Some communities will take elements from different types and merge them to be more niche or to serve the needs of its members more deeply.

  For example, Rising Tide local chapters are a cross between a professional and a proximity community. They are reserved for small-business owners operating within a certain geographic area and meet in person once a month. They are based in specific cities and serve to help small-business owners rise together, lifting the local economy.

  2. Determine whether you want to connect online, offline, or both.

  The second step to finding your community is to determine whether you are looking for online or offline opportunities to connect. There is no right or wrong answer here. Both can offer incredibly meaningful avenues to get to know others and engage in community.

  How do you determine which is best for you?

  • Understand your availability, ability, and limitations. Is it possible for you to attend in-person gatherings? Are you in a season of life or under certain constraints that make one option better than the other?

  • Discern your preference. Do you prefer getting to know people in person or online? Where do you feel that you can be most yourself?

  Starting with these simple questions can narrow down the scope of search that you’ll embark upon in step three. Additionally, know that there are ways to engage in every single type of community that we talked about: in person, online, or even in a hybrid model.

  One of the most transformative things to come out of the coronavirus pandemic was the movement of offline communities into the online world. Physical distancing forced organizers to leverage technology, thereby transforming our ability to connect in significant ways.

  Remember that there is immense value in online community that should not be disregarded in our race to return to a pre-pandemic world. Online communities provide additional access to people who cannot or prefer not to meet in person. They enable a more inclusive structure for facilitating meaningful dialogue and relationships.

  3. Find your group.

  We’ve talked about starting where you are and doing a quick assessment of your existing opportunities to engage. Then we broke down the different types of communities that exist and how you can think about the role of each on your life and dove into whether online or offline connection is the right path for you. Our final step is to go out and find the exact community that you’re looking for so that you can begin getting involved, connecting with others, and building relationships.

  Starting the search for your ideal community doesn’t have to be overwhelming.

  You can pop online or phone a friend. You can look up hashtags and search geolocations on social media, browse bulletin boards in coffee shops, and chat with neighbors from your front porch. You can look at products that you use, places where you exercise, or thought leaders that you follow.

  You can also directly search on platforms that facilitate in-person and online groups. There are several, and they are packed with opportunities to get connected.

  Some of the most common community platforms include:

  • Eventbrite

  • Facebook

  • Instagram

  • Meetup

  • Reddit

  If you’re looking to get out and meet people in person, start with Eventbrite or Meetup. You can search by category or by city and RSVP for gatherings happening in your local area. I guarantee that you’ll be surprised by the number of events happening all around you on a daily basis… most of them that you’ve never heard of.

  If you need support or have an interest area that you want to learn more about, search on Facebook or Instagram. On Facebook, start by searching for groups. On Instagram, you can browse accounts, geolocations, and hashtags to narrow in on relevant groups to engage with.

  Have an obscure topic that you love learning about or contributing to conversation online? There is a subreddit for that. With more than 430 million monthly active users worldwide, Reddit is a platform that facilitates forums on nearly every subject imaginable.1 You can also learn about other communities through Reddit forums, as it serves as a central hub of information and is community-led.

  Additionally, you can always take to a search engine and specifically look for groups or gatherings near you that align with your interests. It doesn’t matter how obscure your interest is, there is almost always a community that unites around that thing, idea, or place.

  Hop on to Google and type “your area of interest here communit
y.” It might take a little digging, but you’ll be surprised by how much you find.

  OVERCOMING THE FIRST-TIME PHOBIA

  Once you find a group that you want to engage with, it is natural to feel nervous to take the next step. I get it. I get anxious when attending new meet-ups or joining new groups.

  For someone writing a book about community, it is embarrassing to admit that on more than one occasion, I have driven to a gathering, sat in my car nervously, and failed to muster the confidence to walk in the front door. I have RSVP’d yes and chickened out at the last minute.

  Battling with social anxiety is something I have dealt with since I was a kid. Honestly, I think it is part of what makes me good at what I do.

  I am empathetic to the fears that many people feel once they have found a community that they truly want to be a part of. There are simple techniques that make it easier to bridge the gap between where you are and where you want to be in relationships with others.

  Here are my tried-and-true techniques for breaking through the fear of first-time attendance and cultivating a stronger connection with members of your newly found community.

  • Create a confidence-boosting ritual. Before attending the event online or in person, create a ritual that helps you to feel your best. For in-person gatherings, I choose an outfit that I feel confident in, leave thirty minutes early to avoid anxiety around traffic and parking, and turn on a pump-up playlist. For online meet-ups, I give myself extra time to make a cup of coffee so that I have something to sip. You can set yourself up for success by taking time to think through how you want to feel when you show up to your community event and cultivating a pre-event experience that fosters that.