Built to Belong

by Natalie Franke

  • Eliminate negative self-talk. Start by identifying the negative narratives that serve as your internal talk track around engaging in community and replace them with positive affirmations. Speak to yourself optimistically and list out truths about your best qualities and inherent worthiness. Changing your mindset can have a powerful impact on how you carry yourself in conversations and the nuanced body language that others pick up on in the room.

  • Bring a friend. Sometimes having one person attend with you that you are familiar with can be the difference between hiding in the parking lot and giving it your all. Ask a friend if they will event swap with you. You attend an event with them, and they can attend an event with you. You might even discover something new that you love through their interests. It can be a powerful win-win.

  • Ask good questions. Show genuine interest in others and seek to first get to know them better. Growing up, when I would feel awkward or shy, my mom always used to tell me, “Just ask good questions. People find it easiest to talk about themselves.” As silly as that sounds, she was right. You can learn a lot about a person by asking them to tell you more about what they love and what they are passionate about. It also opens the gateway for them to reciprocate.

  • Repeat their name. Being able to call someone by name and use it with intentional care throughout your conversation increases levels of trust. It says, I see you and you matter to me. Your name is also one of the first words that you learn as an infant, and hearing your own name triggers greater brain activation than when you hear the name of another person.2

  Dale Carnegie championed this idea in his book How to Win Friends and Influence People. Carnegie said, “A person’s name is to him or her the sweetest and most important sound in any language.” He certainly was right.3

  In the case of meeting my husband, I may have stumbled to get his name right… but I didn’t quit until I did. I believe that getting someone’s name right matters too.

  • Start with what you have in common. Have you ever seen a five-year-old walk right up to another five-year-old and say, “I like your blue crayon. I have one too. Want to be my friend?” One minute later they will be running around the playground together as if they have known each other their entire lives.

  Children are always looking for ways to connect on the simplest of things they share—a favorite color, a love of jump rope, a shared pack of cookies in a lunchbox. There is immediate trust upon learning that they share something in common… regardless of how small or insignificant. When you are unsure of where to begin, start with what you have in common with others. Shared interests, passions, and values are a bridge to connection.

  Building a foundation with someone on what you share sets the stage so that you can also celebrate what makes you different.

  Common ground can give us the footing that we need to cultivate empathy and connection. These initial threads of understanding enable us to dig deeper into the hard work of building lasting relationships and tackling the tough stuff together.

  • Ask for a way to stay connected. When you hit it off with someone that you enjoyed connecting with or if you want to get more involved in the group, ask for ways to stay connected. You can take the conversation to other platforms or set up a one-on-one with the organizer to learn more. It is important to express interest and take the next step when you find a potential friend or community that you want to stay involved with.

  Above all else, as you step into finding your community, remember that others are on a similar journey too. No one is exempt from this quest, and no human being, regardless of how it appears on the outside, has everything figured out.

  We are all doing our best to connect. We are all working to overcome our fears. Sometimes the bravest thing we can do is get the courage to leave our parked car and walk through the front door. Sometimes it’s introducing yourself to someone new. Sometimes it’s getting the courage to push through an awkward introduction.

  However, if we face our fears and step into the unknown, there is a good chance that meaningful relationships will be there to meet us on the other side.

  It’s worth it, friend. I promise you. Take that next step and go out to find your people.

  CHAPTER TWELVE

  COMMUNITY BUILDING 101

  What happens when you set out to find your community and then you discover that it doesn’t exist? Or what if you feel deeply called to create something of your own because you have a vision for what a better community could look like? When you can’t find it, build it.

  There is no rule that says you have to wait for someone else to create the thing that you wish existed. Perhaps you are the leader that you’ve been waiting for all along.

  Community builders come in all shapes and sizes—from a corporate CEO striving to create a stronger company culture to parents seeking to start traditions that instill a deep sense of belonging within their families. Many community cultivators stumble into their leadership roles simply because they care deeply about a group of people or solving a set of problems.

  As a small-business owner, my experience with community building began by longing for connection in the competitive entrepreneurial landscape and fighting to find others who believed in the power of partnership. When I couldn’t find the community I was looking for, I decided to create it.

  When I set out to become a wedding photographer, I never thought that it would lead into a career in community building. At the beginning, I had no idea what I was doing… and sometimes it showed. Starting Rising Tide was a crash course in community organizing that involved leading imperfectly and stumbling my way through nurturing a rapidly growing group. All the mistakes you can make in starting a community—I’ve probably made them.

  This chapter on community building isn’t a theoretical account of how to implement someone else’s prescribed best practices. It’s a tried-and-true explanation of what worked and what didn’t. It’s a combination of mistakes made and lessons learned.

  So, whether you’re creating a company or cultivating a community, growing a team or raising a family, there are several key methods to building a sense of belonging within your group. These are approaches that enabled us to grow Rising Tide from an idea at a dinner table to a thriving community of tens of thousands around the world.

  This chapter is about equipping you with everything you need to create your community, lead it well, and inspire others to join you.

  ALWAYS START WITH ONE

  No community worth being a part of started overnight. Beneath every thriving success story are years of consistent work and relationship building. Showing up countless times before others took notice. Pushing past doubts, fears, and criticism to bring something powerful to the world.

  How did Serena Williams learn to play tennis? One swing at a time. Over and over again—when the world was watching and when it was not—Serena showed up, leaving her blood, sweat, and tears on the court every day for decades before she became one of the greatest athletes of all time.

  How did Sara Blakely build a business empire with Spanx? One day of hard work after another. On days when no one took her seriously, in boardrooms when others discounted her ideas, Sara showed up, fighting for her seat at the table until she was able to help other women to build businesses of their own.

  How did any movement begin to change our world for the better? From Black Lives Matter to Pride to Me Too, our present reality is shaped by the brave actions of individual people. One march and one protest at a time. From one brave leader resisting the way things are, calling out the injustices around them, and demanding better. One voice has the ability to become thousands. One action has the power to change our world.

  Communities are built one person at a time.

  One conversation, one moment of connection, strung together across time and space over and over again. There is no *POOF* moment of instantaneous creation where a large community comes into existence.

  It starts with one. It always starts with one
. As a world, we glorify the end result and so often fail to honor the hard-fought journey.

  Building authentic and meaningful community is not about racing to the finish line but rather starting small and with intention. One invitation, one conversation, one relationship, one gathering—and then another and another until a sense of belonging is born.

  So often we feel rushed to grow our groups and improve our relationships at scale. It can sometimes feel like you’re not doing enough or that community growth is not unfolding as quickly as you had hoped. Be patient and commit to doing the work.

  Every month, when our Rising Tide leaders prepare for their local meet-ups, I like to remind them of one thing. Whether one member attends or a group of one hundred gathers, every single person matters. Their role is not to impress the one hundred, but to serve the one.

  There is power in showing up for that one person. Countless local chapters have started with one leader and a passionate member sitting together at a table. Just two human beings talking about the impact of fighting for camaraderie amid our culture of competition.

  A community leader’s job isn’t to work tirelessly to build the biggest group in town, but rather to cultivate a space where each individual person who walks through the door feels welcome to pull up a seat and is empowered to share their story.

  Cultivating connection in the one-to-one supports community as it scales to many.

  It is not about growth. It is about impact. Digging deep is more important than going far and wide. There is no shortcut to the finish line. Cultivating belonging is very hard work, yet it’s some of the most rewarding and impactful work we can do.

  YOUR FIRST STEPS

  If you want to nurture a sense of belonging and keep people engaged in the long run, there are specific techniques that help to grow that spirit from the ground up. Many of these will sound familiar. You see them in your local neighborhood, school, and wellness or faith communities. They are tenets that shape the way humans interact and have for thousands of years.

  The key tenets of a strong community are:

  • Mission, vision, and values

  • Strong leadership

  • Shared experiences

  Let’s explore these tenets and the ways that you can use them to build the foundation for belonging as you create your community.

  1. Define your mission, vision, and values.

  All strong communities have a clear mission, vision, and values shared by its leaders and members. These tenets give the community structure and purpose. They communicate who the community is for and what it is striving to achieve.

  Imagine a community like a giant caravan of independent cars headed on a road trip to a sought-after destination. All the vehicles in the caravan are separate; however, they are connected by something greater.

  On the road trip of life, our mission tells us why we are driving. Our vision paints a picture of the final destination. Our core values shape how we intend to get there.

  Building a community around a shared mission, vision, and values enables all members to feel like a part of the team. We are stronger when we are connecting from a foundation of purpose and are all in alignment on the intention for the group.

  Create your mission statement.

  At its core, a mission statement explains what you do and who you do it for. It should unite and motivate your members to take action. It should also help to define your goals, initiatives, and campaigns.

  When creating your mission statement, try filling in the following sentence.

  [Community name] is on a mission to [do an action] for [a group of people.]

  You can build your mission statement up from there. However, I’ve found that to be a solid place to start.

  For example, Rising Tide’s mission is to educate and empower small-business owners to rise together in the spirit of community over competition. We list out what we do (education and empowerment) and who we do it for (small-business owners). We also include a nod to our foundational purpose (helping people rise together in the spirit of community over competition).

  A strong mission statement should be clear, concise, and motivational.

  Create your vision statement.

  A vision statement paints a picture of a world where your mission has been achieved. It gives the community direction and should have an element of aspiration to cast the vision for what a better world could look like.

  [Community name] envisions a world where [your mission achieved.]

  Think about where you would like to see your community, family, or organization in ten years. Cast your vision from that place. Envision what your world will look like once your mission has been achieved.

  Define your core values.

  Core values are the foundational beliefs of a community. When shared by the group, they create a feeling of safety and enable people to navigate spaces understanding what to expect from other members of the group.

  When things are good, they unite us in a collective rallying cry that drives us toward our mission. When things are hard, they are the guide rails for difficult conversations and a north star while disagreeing well.

  Core values reach out a hand and say: Hey! This is who we are and what we believe in. Our community lives by these beliefs, and we will fight to defend them. If our core values resonate, come on in. You belong here.

  For example, with Rising Tide, we use our core values to create community guidelines that dictate how we expect members to treat one another online and in person. We named these principles our Lifts All Boats Policy. These community rules were built upon the simple premise that we are not here to tear each other down, but rather to lift one another up.

  What does it mean to lift all boats? Our community’s goal is to provide support, education, and guidance to creative entrepreneurs as they build a business they love. We believe in inclusivity, being better together, and empowerment through education.

  We encourage members to ask questions, give advice, dive further into the monthly business topics, encourage each other, support creative colleagues, and seek constructive feedback. We don’t shy away from hard, healthy, and robust conversations. We believe that it’s important to talk about hard topics and to have these discussions with respect and consideration.

  We also draw a hard line with anything that goes against our core values. We don’t allow posts that are inherently negative or posted only to cause harm. Our community is not a space to bash clients, other members, or industry peers. It is not a group for gossip or bringing others down.

  Any bullying, harassment, or derogatory language will earn you a one-way ticket out of the group, and we have a zero-tolerance policy for discrimination and bigotry. Anyone who attacks or belittles a member or a group of people based on race, gender identity, color, religion, age, nationality, physical or mental disability, marital status, ancestry, veteran status, ethnicity, or sexual orientation is immediately removed. No second chances given.

  Core values must be shared publicly and rules stated clearly. For example, guidelines and values for Rising Tide are available on our website and summarized in our Facebook group’s description.

  So how do you determine your core values? The path is easier than you think.

  1. Choose your stakeholders. Whose input is critical to define the core values of the community? Think about members or leaders who represent the qualities that you want your community to emulate. Having diverse perspectives in forming core values is important to creating a foundation where all members feel as though they belong down the road.

  2. Brainstorm a large list. Start broad and brainstorm all of your core value ideas. Give everyone time to think independently before coming together to share collectively.

  3. Refine and decide. Narrow down your brainstormed list to a few key values that get to the heart of what you want your community to be. Encourage stakeholders to give input, either informally through discussion or formally through voting. There is no definitive numbe
r of values that a community must have. I recommend choosing between three and seven. They should each represent a distinct quality and coalesce to create a larger picture of what your community stands for.

  Once you have chosen your core values for the community, share them publicly and remind members about them often. Make them available on your website or group description. Include them in your guidelines. Share them at the start of every meeting and include them when you on-board or train leaders. Core values aren’t something you can set and forget. They have to be continually discussed in order to be effective.

  Mission, vision, and values takeaway questions:

  • How do you want members to feel when they are a part of your community?

  • Which communities do you feel have core values that resonate most strongly with you? How do they live out those values?

  • What is considered acceptable behavior in your group? What is unacceptable?

  • How do you hold people accountable when they violate your values or push you farther from your vision?

  I know that it can be tempting to want to rush right into inviting members into your group or launching your first campaign, but starting with a clear mission, vision, and values is critical. It sets the tone. A community built on a strong foundation is built to last. That is why we start with mission, vision, and values.

  2. Choose and nurture strong leaders.

  A community is only as great as its leaders. The leaders of your community will directly shape the culture and the way members feel as they join and engage in the organization.

  Choose your leaders with care.