Xone of Contention

by Piers Anthony

  Breanna looked at him. "I guess you didn't do that to grab any quick feel."

  "True," he agreed. Then, to defuse it: "Oh. I don't mean to imply that you don't have things worth feeling. You are a very nice little package. It I ever had a legitimate excuse, I'd revel in feels."

  It worked. She smiled. "For sure. That woman made me so mad—"

  "I think it was unconscious arrogance. She called out the weakness in her vines without realizing that it applied to herself. She really does think she is smarter than you."

  "But why?"

  "Because you are of the Black Wave. That is most of what she felt she needed to know about you."

  "Self fulfilling prophecy," she said musingly. "If you figure the color of your skin makes you better than someone else, the tests you make will reflect that."

  "You will make sure they do." he agreed. "In the name of objectivity, ironically. But it’s not worth arguing with an attitude like that. It would be like getting into a mud fight."

  "I used to like mud fights."

  "You know what I mean.”

  She considered. "What do you think of zombies?" He was startled by the irrelevance. "Why, I don't know any zombies, but I wouldn't want to embrace one."

  "For sure." she said, turning away.

  Edsel found himself vaguely nettled. "Am I missing something?"

  "Those eye queue vines would make a zombie be about ten on a scale of one hundred. Their brains are rotten."

  He was baffled. "I am missing something. I feel sort of stupid."

  "No, just from another culture. Maybe some time I'll tell you about zombies. Meanwhile, I'll apologize for confusing you. It wasn't fair."

  "Oh, that's all right." he said, still wondering what was going on in her mind.

  Then she caught him about the shoulders, drew him close enough to be well aware of those things she had worth feeling. and kissed him so soundly that it felt as if the boat were tipping over the brink of a waterfall.

  When she released him. he put his hands on the sides of the boat to maintain his balance. "Why?" he gasped after a moment.

  "Two reasons. First, you saved me from making a fool of myself back there. Second, those two up front owed us a Kiss. And maybe a feel, but I think you got that too."

  Indeed. "Owed us a kiss?"

  "Your woman kissed my man underground, and gave him a feel. I can tell. Now that score is even."

  He wasn't sure of the logic, but it had been such a good kiss that he didn't question it. Breanna kept her own particular social accounts. She had kissed him in the O-Xone. because she had said that someone else had done it and it showed. Someone else had: Kim, and Pia. Apparently if anyone else got a kiss. Breanna felt entitled. "You said something about an apology, then you kissed me. Is there a connection?"

  "Yes. I gave you a gourd apology. That's like that."

  "I think I could get interested in the gourd."

  "For sure!" she laughed. "All in good time. You know I think I could get to like you. if I tried."

  "Ditto here. But I think we had better not try too hard."

  "We're pushing it." she agreed. "Maybe we're a little jealous of them." Her gaze flicked momentarily toward the front of the boat.

  "They have found a common interest," he agreed. "Pia has become an environmentalist. I would never have expected that."

  "Justin is already. Because of his several score years as a tree. I like that in him, but I have sort of left it to him. same as he has left civil rights to me."

  "Xanth has a civil rights problem?"

  "It does with zombies.”

  "You're representing the zombies!" he exclaimed, catching on.

  "Yeah."

  "How did you get into that?"

  "Well, it started with King Xeth. He—"

  She broke off. because at that point they were approaching an odd couple. It was a centaur, the first Edsel had seen in the flesh, and on his back a girl. The girl had brown hair, wore blue jeans, and would have been rather short if seen standing on the ground. But as it was, her head was high enough.

  "Hello," Justin called from the front. "I am Justin Tree. Is this the best way to the snowy mountains?"

  "Hi." the girl replied. She wore a hat that said Tom, but maybe she had borrowed it. Unless she was a tom boy. "I'm Heather I'm ten. and my talent is relating to dragons. I'm looking for one who's not hungry at the moment. I don't know the best way to the mountains, but I'm sure Shaunture does."

  The centaur seemed reluctant to talk. He merely pointed upriver. "My concern is that the river may meander, and we would like to reach the mountains expeditiously." Justin said.

  Heather looked down. "I guess you'll have to answer, Shaunture," she said.

  Now the centaur spoke. "The river does not measure, but—" He paused, for a measuring tape had appeared in his hands.

  "Meander." Heather said. "It does not meander."

  "Thank you." The tape disappeared. "But you will want to avoid the colored people."

  Breanna sat up straight. Edsel put a cautioning hand on her brown arm.

  "What is the problem with colored people?" Justin asked.

  "Their talents. They were originally Mundanes, and their form of greeting is to shake hands. When they got magic, thanks to the curse of a passing demon, it was inconvenient They are named White, Green, Brown, Black, Grey, and other collars, and—"

  He paused, for a huge horse collar had appeared around his neck.

  "Colors," Heather said. "Other colors."

  "Thank you." the centaur said, as the collar faded out. "Not only are they those colors, but anything they touch becomes those colors too."

  "So they really are colored people," Edsel murmured. "Literal Xanth strikes again."

  "For sure," Breanna murmured back. "I should have known."

  "I appreciate the problem." Justin said. "We shall not wish to shake hands with these people."

  "Yes," the centaur agreed. "Their Mundane costume is quaint, but—" He paused, for now a clownish costume had formed around him.

  "Custom," Heather said. "Their Mundane custom of touching hands."

  "Thank you." The costume dissolved.

  "I begin to see why he doesn't like to talk," Breanna said. "Every time he makes a mistake, it takes form."

  "Is there a detour we can take to avoid them?" Pia asked.

  "If you lake a slightly different angel. you can—" The centaur paused, for an angel had appeared hovering before him. complete with glowing halo and white wings.

  "Angle." Heather said. "A slightly different angle."

  "Thank you." The angel faded. "You may then pass the home of a centet Magician who—" Now a small building appeared before him with arrows pointing to it, making it the center of the illustration.

  "Centaur," Heather said. "Centaur Magician."

  "Thank you. He will be able to direct you further."

  "Thank you," Justin said. "You have been a real help. So has Heather."

  "Yes, she is invaluable." Shaunture agreed. "I dread the day when she finds her dragon and departs with it."

  "Well, it doesn't take much brains to be a damsel for a dragon, so I'm qualified," Heather said. "Though I'll hate wearing a skimpy dress."

  "I have no concern what she wears," Shaunture confided. "I would like to give her a bucket of—"

  A bucket appeared on the girl's head. "Mmmph, mmph!" she cried, unable to make herself understood. She tried to lift it off. but it seemed glued in place.

  "Bouquet!" Edsel called. "A bouquet of flowers!"

  "Thank you," the centaur said as the bucket faded. "I shall stop speaking now."

  "This is understandable." Justin said. "We nevertheless remain appreciative."

  "Heather. I think your talent is relating to creatures, not just dragons." Breanna said to the girl. "Maybe you should stay with Shaunture, who really needs you."

  The girl's mouth dropped open in surprise. "Really?"

  "Really. You always know what he means
to say, and that really helps him."

  "Well, he says I help, so as not to hurt my childish feelings. But centaurs are way too smart to associate long with dull kids like me."

  Breanna seemed to be digesting an internal thought. "Intelligence isn't always what you think. Ask him."

  Heather looked at Shaunture. He nodded. "Oh. Shaunture." she cried "I'd love to stay with you! I know you'll never chomp me."

  The centaur looked at Breanna. "I must speak again after all. I am grapefruit for—" He became a huge grapefruit.

  "Grateful!" Heather cried joyously, perched on the top. "For her insight."

  The centaur resumed his natural form. He spat out a grapefruit seed and shut his mouth firmly.

  Para moved on. "I like your boat." Heather called after them. Para made a dip of appreciation without breaking stride.

  "That centaur reminds me of someone." Pia remarked.

  "Demoness Metria." Justin replied.

  There was a swirl of smoke. "Oh, no." Breanna muttered.

  The smoke formed a mouth. "Did someone mention my name?"

  "It was an accident," Breanna said.

  The smoke coalesced into a lovely buxom form, bound by an elastic halter stretching almost to the snapping point. "And you found the foul footed boat."

  Para quivered with indignation.

  "What kind of foot?" Edsel asked quickly.

  "Avis, feathered, game, bird, domestic—"

  "Fowl?"

  "Whatever," the demoness agreed crossly.

  The boat relaxed.

  "I'm sure the children will love to ride in it," Metria said. "Thank you so much for offering." She formed back into smoke.

  "We didn't—" Breanna started, but of course it was too late. The smoke formed into Demon Ted and DeMonica. They were stuck for another round of babysitting.

  "Maybe the two of them will one day grow up and marry each other," Pia muttered. "And the stork will bring them children they have to baby-sit."

  "Named Tedmon and Monled," Breanna agreed. "And there'll be no Mundanes visiting who are foolish enough to do it."

  "Whose menfolk are dazzled into volunteering," Pia said. They both laughed. "Actually the children aren't all that bad. and the dazzlcability of the menfolk make them more readily handleable "

  "For sure."

  Justin turned his head to exchange a glance with Edsel. The girls were having their bit of fun.

  They departed from the river at a slight angle, so as to avoid the colored people. Soon they came to a boy who stood by the side of the path they were following, with his right thumb lifted.

  "Same to you, jerk!" Ted called.

  "Shush, that's a Mundane!" Pia exclaimed "Hitchhiking."

  "We do have room for another passenger," Justin said.

  "First things first." Pia cupped her hands and called to the boy. "What's your name!"

  "Gabriel," the boy called back.

  "So he's not one of the colored people," Pia said. "He can ride with us."

  "What's wrong with colored people?" Monica asked.

  "Nothing," Edsel said, forestalling trouble

  The boat stopped, and the boy climbed in. "Do you know a safe way to the snowy mountains?" Pia asked him

  "Oh, sure. Right the way you're going now. But you don't want to go all the way there. They're cold."

  "We'll chance it." Pia said, and resumed her private dialogue with Justin. She had tuned him out, as was her custom with folk she had no immediate interest in.

  So Edsel and Breanna took up the slack, lest the children do it. "What are you doing in Xanth, Gabriel?" Breanna asked. "Because you're obviously Mundane."

  "I guess it does show." Gabriel said, abashed. "I'd like to live in Xanth. I made a deal. I can visit Xanth for a week. I can stay here if I can find a family to adopt me or a girl to marry me. Otherwise I must return forever to drear Mundania."

  "How old are you?" Breanna asked.

  "Fourteen."

  "That's what I thought. You're younger than I am, and so you are still mired in the Adult Conspiracy. You can't marry a Xanth girl."

  "I could marry one who is eighteen or over." Gabriel said. "If she wanted to. If she didn't break the Conspiracy."

  Both children perked up. evidently intrigued by the prospect of breaking the Adult Conspiracy.

  "But you already know all that stuff, don't you?" Breanna asked.

  "Sure. But in Xanth—"

  "I know. And you'd rather put up with that, than go back to Mundania."

  "Yeah. Do you think I have a chance?"

  "To find a girl, no. To find a family, maybe." Then Breanna brightened. "Does it have to be any special kind of girl?"

  "I don't think so."

  "How about a nymph?"

  Gabriel smiled. "I'd love a nymph But she'd break the Conspiracy in the first five seconds."

  The children squealed with laughter. Ted grabbed Monica, and she flung her hair around and kicked her feet up in a parody of a nymph.

  "For sure." Breanna agreed ruefully. "Bad idea. But maybe there'll be a family."

  "Maybe." he agreed hopefully.

  There was a fairly sharp turn in the path. Para, traveling rapidly, was off-balanced by the extra weight, and his side scraped against a sad looking tree. It emitted a sighing sound.

  "What was that?" Edsel asked as they moved on.

  "A sigh-press tree," Justin called back. "They sigh when pressed."

  Now they came to another person. It was a somewhat portly woman. "Are you looking for a ride? " Pia called.

  "I'm looking for a lake." the woman replied.

  "There's a lake on the river not far ahead," Gabriel said.

  "How do you know?" Edsel asked.

  "Because I saw fire ants near a fire, and earth ants near earth, and air ants near air. I saw water ants here, so there must be water near."

  Edsel nodded. "That works for me."

  "Then get in and we'll take you there." Pia said to the woman. "Para could use a swim."

  "A swim!" Ted cried, clapping his little hands. Monica's dress became a two piece swimsuit.

  The woman climbed in. and there were introductions. She turned out to be Alexandra.

  "What's your talent?" Breanna asked.

  "I'm a were-dolphin."

  "I never heard of that!"

  "I think I'm the only one. I've been searching out stray lakes, hoping to find another of my kind, so far without success."

  "Why do you want another of your kind?" Gabriel asked

  "I'm lonely. I don't like swimming alone."

  "But you don't need another of your kind just for company," Breanna said.

  "I think I do. Who else would want to stay with someone who's half in and out of the water'"

  "I would." Gabriel said.

  Alexandra looked at him. "You look young and wild. Surely you wouldn't want to settle down to a dull lakeside life."

  "Life would never be dull, in Xanth."

  "Not if we kept you company," Ted said.

  "We're younger and wilder," Monica agreed.

  Edsel exchanged a glance with Breanna. "Would you consider marrying a boy without violating the Adult Conspiracy?"

  Alexandra considered. "That depends on how good company he was."

  "Why don't you talk with Gabriel, here?" Edsel suggested.

  The two half demon children lost interest, and peered out of the boat.

  "I could be great company. I think." Gabriel said. "If that meant I could stay in Xanth."

  The two started a dialog, sitting in the center of the boat. Edsel, as a matter of courtesy, tuned them out. "There seem to be a number of interesting people in Xanth." he remarked to Breanna.

  "Every person is interesting, when you get to know him," she said. "I'd like to meet every person in Xanth. But there are too many."

  Surely so. "What do you think we'll find at the mountains?"

  "Melting snow. I've wondered how there can be such a cold place in warm Xanth."

>   "Well, it's because the temperature drops with elevation."

  "That's in Mundania. Here in Xanth you can fly way above the mountains, and not be cold. I've been up there. So there must be magic."

  He realized she was right. Xanth did not follow Mundane rules. "What kind of magic?"

  "Well, once I met two brothers. One could turn himself into ice The other could turn anything else to ice. Maybe those brothers live in the mountains."

  "Maybe so." he agreed. That seemed just crazy enough to suit this magic land. "But you know, there seems to be an awful lot of fortunate coincidence in Xanth. Like the way certain people meet." Without moving his head, he flicked his eyes in the direction of the youth and the woman in the center of the boat.

  "For sure I've thought about that. I think maybe the Land of Xanth is female, so she does nice things for her people."

  "But the Demon X(A/N)th is male."

  "Yes, mostly. Actually demons are any gender they want to be. But the Demon is not the Land. The Land is more like his daughter."

  Edsel nodded. "Now that makes sense. Maybe that's why marriages last forever in Xanth."

  "For sure. It you could arrange to stay in Xanth with Pia—"

  "I don't think so. We have obligations in Mundania, and these are borrowed bodies. But sometimes it rubs off on people. Dug and Kim are just as much together now as they ever were, and they don't spend much time in Xanth."

  "Maybe they drank some love elixir."

  "If that's magic, it shouldn't work in Mundania." She nodded.

  "Maybe not. Still, it might be worth trying. If we pass love spring, you might save some of its elixir, and try it on her. I hear that diluted love elixir and a finder spell can enable a person to find her true love."

  They came to the lake. "Oh, wonderful!" Alexandra exclaimed. "I'm so dry." She jumped out of the boat, ran to the water, and dived in. As she struck the water her clothing disappeared and her body became roughly fishlike. She had assumed her dolphin aspect.

  Gabriel ran after her. "I love to swim," he said.

  "But there might be sharks or serpents in that water,” Breanna warned him.

  “They won't bother me," he said, pausing at the edge to rip off his clothing. "Not with a dolphin friend protecting me."