by Emily Rose
My leg bounced as I chewed on my nails. I had no idea what Miles and Jaxson were talking about, but I had this disturbing, almost sick feeling that it was me. Not to mention, Jared. I didn’t even know what this guy looked like, but just knowing that he knew me was unnerving. I would have to be careful, but that was kind of hard to do when you didn’t even know what the person looked like.
I looked up when I saw Miles. He walked straight toward me without sparing a glance in anyone’s direction and stopped a foot or two from where I sat.
Our eyes met and held. There was something in his gaze that made me uneasy. They were clouded with so many emotions that it was hard to get a good read on exactly what was running through his head.
“Take a drive with me,” he said.
This wasn’t a question. I realized as he started toward the front entrance. I looked over at Rachel, and the rest of them. No one seemed to notice the weird exchange besides Danny. She stared back at me with a blank look on her face. Like she was still trying to make sense of everything too.
“I guess I’ll be back,” I said before I stood up and followed Miles outside.
He was already sitting in his car when I reached it and the engine was running, the rumble making memories flash through my mind and causing a sadness to cover my heart. I took a deep breath before I got into the passenger seat and closed the door.
Miles didn’t say anything as he shifted into gear and backed out of the parking space before steering us in the direction of the main road.
I honestly had no idea why I felt this way around him. For God’s sake, he was my husband, but right now, he felt so far away. I kept my hands to myself as he drove across town and then crossed out of the city limits. I had no idea where he was taking me, but I didn’t dare ask either. I could feel the tension in the car, and I knew he was going to drop a bomb on me soon.
The longer we drove though, the more I felt the dark cloud hover over my heart. I felt like he already knew the truth and he was going to confront me. I just wasn’t sure what I would say or how I would react when he did. I loved Miles, but I was in this weird state of mind.
One I refused to admit out loud, but one that didn’t seem to want to go away anytime soon. I had risked everything with Jaxson, but it wasn’t until that moment that I realized something very important.
They each held a piece of me. In a way that was different from the other. With one, I was the girl from high school who fell in love with the idea of love. With the other, I was the woman who took risks and fell in love with how real they felt.
And this was a problem.
I never thought in a million years that I would be in this position, but here I was. It just proved that nothing was ever set in stone.
Life still had cards to play, even if they weren’t ones I was prepared to see.
Miles started to slow, and I knew exactly where we were going as I took in the dirt road that would take us to the pull off over the lake. He turned and drove slowly over the rough terrain until we reached an area to park. He positioned the car, so that it was facing the lake and turned off the engine.
By this time, it was late in the evening and I could hear the crickets singing their songs outside my cracked window along with the frogs calling for their mates. The sounds seemed to ease my clouded mind, but not nearly enough.
Finally, Miles spoke, and the sound of his deep, calm voice seemed to put a knife straight through this bruised and battered heart of mine.
“I want to explain something to you, because you deserve to know the truth. I know I hurt you and I can’t tell you how sorry I am, but I hope that maybe telling you everything will help you understand why I did what I did with Mia,” he said.
I blinked, but I couldn’t bear looking over at him, so I stared at the lake instead as he continued. I wasn’t sure if I was prepared to hear this, but it looked like I had no option.
“Back when Owen nearly killed me and you saw the scars on my wrists while I was out, I did those during the time I knew Mia and her brother,” he said.
This time, I turned my gaze to him as memories of that day came back suddenly. My heart seemed to stop beating a moment before it picked up again as I waited for him to finish.
Miles shifted in his seat, letting his head fall back against it and took a deep breath as he stared out at the lake, “Mia’s brother is the one who found me. He called 911 and got them there in time. If it wasn’t for him, I wouldn’t be here today. He saved my life and that was all I wanted to do for him. I owed him that much,” he said.
“I’m so sorry, Miles,” I said quietly.
He didn’t comment on that as he continued. “Yes, I was engaged to Mia and we were happy, but I was also in a bad place. I knew I had to get out or I would just keep burying myself deeper in that life. It wasn’t until her brother was accused of murdering his girlfriend that I realized how bad shit had got. He was innocent, but he was proven guilty. So, he went to prison and that was why I went down there. His parole hearing was coming up and I was going to speak for him, but… well, you know, he didn’t make it to that day,” he said.
“How do you know he was innocent?” I asked.
Miles reached up and grabbed a pack of cigarettes I hadn’t noticed from the center console. He pulled one out and threw the pack into the backseat before putting the cigarette between his lips, lighting the tip with a lighter he had pulled out of his pocket. He inhaled the smoke deeply, closed his eyes, and exhaled out the window.
The smell burned my nose, but I ignored it as I waited for him to answer me.
“Because I was there. I knew he didn’t give her those pills, but I was the only one at the party that said that. Everyone else said that he did, so he got arrested on the spot,” he said.
“Oh my god,” I said.
“Anyway, what I was trying to say was that it was never about Mia or what I had with her. It was about her brother. I was in a bad spot after high school and he pulled me out of it. I felt like I owed him my life,” he said.
Miles took another drag of the cigarette before he tossed it out the window and exhaled the smoke. I had no idea what to even say at this point. The guilt I felt at this moment crushed me, because yes, I did have sex with Jaxson out of anger, but that wasn’t entirely true either. And that made it so much worse. A part of me did it, because of how real he made me feel at that moment.
I felt alive. Like I could do anything, be anything, and it was okay.
Miles met my gaze and the look I saw in his eyes made me feel like he was seeing straight through all my bullshit, right to the heart of the lie.
“Miles….” I started, but then he stopped me.
“Don’t say anything. Just come here,” he said and reached under the seat to scoot it back, making more space between him and the steering wheel.
I debated, but then some part of me won out and I climbed over the center console, placing myself on top of him with my hands on his hard stomach.
He looked up at me with his head still resting against the seat and I felt his deep inhale beneath my palms as he stared into my eyes. I wasn’t sure I could find my voice, but he didn’t really give me time to figure it out as he leaned up and placed one of his hands on the back of my neck. Miles pulled me down, so that I met him halfway, and our lips connected in a deep, almost heartbreaking kiss.
I sucked in a breath as my eyes drifted closed. He tasted just like I remembered, and it lit a fire in my soul, one that burnt out the cloud I was feeling just a moment ago. Miles deepened the kiss, twirling his tongue with mine in a slow motion. I felt the metal rod in his tongue and the area between my legs ached with lust as his other hand found its way to my arm.
Slowly, he traced his fingertips up my arm, leaving goosebumps in its path as he continued to kiss me like it was the only air he had to breathe.
I whimpered and pulled back just enough to speak, “Miles…”
He looked up into my eyes, “Take off your shirt.”
I bl
inked, surprised at the dominance I heard in his tone. I could have said no. I could have stopped it, but I didn’t. Instead, like any other time Miles spoke like that and looked at me that way, I listened. Slowly, I reached to the bottom of my shirt and lifted it over my head before I dropped it onto the center console. Miles looked down at my body, like he was taking in every inch of bare skin before he lifted his gaze to mine once more.
He didn’t speak as I felt his hand reach the clasp on my bra and he unsnapped it. I felt the weight of my breasts as the bra slipped down my arms and I sucked in a deep breath. Miles didn’t look away from my gaze and I wasn’t sure I could look away from him, even if I tried.
“You’re so fucking beautiful, Ray,” he said in a deep, almost pained voice.
I pulled my bottom lip into my mouth as his hands found my waist and he started tracing his fingertips up my sides, to the curves of my breasts, and then finally, to my nipples. When I felt his thumbs touch the sensitive skin there, my eyes slid closed as the ache between my legs grew even stronger. He didn’t pinch them, but he circled them, slow and gentle, so that I could barely feel it.
My heart took off, beating madly inside my chest as my hands knotted his shirt.
I wanted more. I needed more, but he wasn’t moving quickly. Instead, he took each step in a slow, methodical process, so that by the time the rest of my clothes were gone, and I was completely naked on top of him, I was almost ready to scream.
And the worst part was that he hadn’t even removed his shirt or his jeans. Instead, he had pulled himself free of his boxers after unzipping his jeans, giving me full access to the one thing I was desperately craving. I lifted my body just enough to give him room to position himself at my entrance and then slowly slid down his dick.
The pressure of him entering me caused a gasp to escape me, but I quickly adjusted. Miles groaned with pleasure and let his head fall back against the seat as his eyes closed. My body took over my mind at the look on his face and I started moving, up and down. Over and over.
“Fuck…Ray…” he said and opened his eyes to watch me as I rode him.
I moaned with each thrust as I felt myself grow tighter and tighter around him. Miles hadn’t removed his hands from my waist, although he hadn’t used them either. Instead, he let me do it all as I continued to stroke his dick with each bounce. I closed my eyes as the tension grew so strong that I was hardly able to control it, but I fought that release and kept moving.
Each thrust a little faster and harder than the one before. By the time I was unable to stop the wave that crashed into me, my heart felt like it could explode from my chest.
“Miles….” I moaned loudly and he didn’t disappoint.
I felt his own release, and he groaned right along with it. “Fuck,” he said as his dick jerked inside me and his hands gripped my hips tightly, keeping me in place as he came.
My breathing was all over the place and I collapsed against him as the wave seemed to slowly fade away from us. I could feel my heart beating madly against his own as I rested my cheek on his shoulder. Neither one of us said anything as we both tried to regain control of our hearts and lungs.
Finally, after what seemed like forever, he spoke.
“We should probably get going,” he said.
I nodded against him and then sat up. I lifted myself off him and grabbed my clothes as I moved back into the passenger seat. Silently, we got dressed and it was during this time that I realized Miles had told me the truth about everything.
And I had yet to tell him anything.
The cloud of guilt I had felt earlier returned and I stared out the window as he started the engine and drove us back toward town. I couldn’t stop the tears that blurred my vision, but I refused to let them fall or let him notice. I had lied to so many people that I loved, and it was going to ruin everything.
There was no doubt about it.
One day, the truth would come out and everything would change.
Chapter Thirty-Three
Ray
Over the next few weeks, things seemed to go on like usual expect for the constant watchdogs I seemed to have gained since learning about Jared’s threat, but that wasn’t what bothered me the most.
It was the untold lies that just buried themselves deeper into my mind. Every day, I kept trying to figure out a way to bring them to light, but every day, I failed. The darkness just stayed there, hovering over me like a death wish, but I pushed on. I went to work, I went to school, I carried on like nothing was out of place, even though everything was.
Miles knew something was up too. I couldn’t tell what it was yet, but I saw it in his eyes every-time I looked at him. And that got me to thinking that maybe I wasn’t the only one holding back the truth. Jaxson, on the other hand, had been released from the hospital and when Miles couldn’t keep an eye on me, he would. But it was never up close. It was always from a distance, but it wasn’t far enough away that I didn’t know he wasn’t there.
I still hadn’t figured out what him and Miles had talked about that day at the hospital, but ever since then, Jaxson had only spoke to me when he had no other choice. In fact, the distance was there with everyone, even Danny. It seemed the only two people I had left in my life were Rachel and Kevin, but even they knew something major had gone down. It felt like the whole group was infected with this toxic cloud and it was all my fault.
It hurt. Everything hurt. I felt like a zombie, walking through each day without living it. My family was broken. My mind was broken. My home was broken.
“Are you okay?” I heard Anna ask me for the third time within an hour as I wiped down the counter with a damp rag.
I nodded, but I couldn’t answer. She still didn’t know everything that was going on and I wasn’t sure if I could even tell her, but she knew me well enough to know that I wasn’t okay. Far from it.
Anna reached up and grabbed my hand. I paused and looked up to see her soft eyes. She smiled weakly, causing the wrinkles around her eyes to show up. “You can talk to me. I’m always here for you. It doesn’t matter what it is either,” she said.
Like someone had opened a dam, my eyes filled with tears almost instantly and Anna’s smile faded. I reached up to cover my mouth with my free hand and stared at her.
“Oh, baby girl, come here,” she said and then wrapped me in a tight hug.
My body shook with a silent sob as I buried my face into her hair and wrapped my arms around her in return. It had been a long time since someone just hugged me or said they were there for me, so hearing those words broke me. I couldn’t take it. Such a simple statement, yet it was the exact one that would make me breakdown.
“I don’t know what to do anymore,” I cried.
Anna squeezed me tightly, “What is it? I’m all ears.”
I pulled back and shook my head. “I can’t. I don’t know how to even say it.”
She held onto my shoulders and stared straight into my eyes, “Just say whatever is on your mind. I promise I will not judge you. No matter what,” she said firmly.
I looked back and forth between her eyes and tried to come up with the best way to detangle everything I was thinking. This was Hell. All of it. I wanted to say it, but then I didn’t want to. I knew it was real, even if I wanted to pretend like it wasn’t.
It happened.
“I….” I froze as the words hit the tip of my tongue and blinked away the blurriness in my vision.
“Just say it baby girl,” she said.
My chest lifted in a deep breath as I prepared myself to speak the truth for the first time since it happened, “I…. I did something horrible, Anna,” I said.
She waited for me to continue, but I could see the concerned look in her eyes.
Again, I took another breath before I spoke, “I had sex…with someone else…. I cheated on my husband. Oh, God. I cheated on Miles,” I said as the tears filled my vision again and my heart stung with the pain of my own words.
It hurt. The words hurt. So
much.
“Oh, Ray,” Anna said and then pulled me into a tight hug once more.
I didn’t care about being silent anymore as I cried into her shoulder and held onto her like I would fall to the ground if I didn’t.
“Shh, don’t worry. I got you honey,” Anna said as she brushed the back of my hair. Like a mother might do to her daughter.
“I don’t know what to do. I’m so scared. I’m so confused. I feel everything as if it were stabbing me straight in the heart,” I said as my breath shook.
Anna continued to brush my hair in a soothing motion. “Let me ask you this. Was this other guy worth losing your marriage over? Is he important to you?” she asked.
This only made me cry harder as I pulled back from her and sucked in deep breaths. Anna gave me a look that said she understood my answer without me having to say it.
“Baby girl, I’m so sorry you’re going through this, but it won’t go away. You need to tell Miles. You can’t keep doing this to yourself or him. It’s not fair and if this other guy is important to you, then you need to let Miles go,” she said.
I could barely see through the tears, but I heard her words and the pain they brought with them sucked the air right out of me. She was right. This wouldn’t get any better until the truth was told and once that happened, everything was going to change.
“I know,” I said in a low, broken voice.
“Who is this other guy?” she asked.
I bit my lip as the tears thickened at the thought of this, but I spoke as evenly as I could. “Miles’ best friend,” I said.
Anna sighed heavily, “Oh honey.”
I nodded and looked away from her. “I know. I’m a horrible person. I don’t deserve Miles or Jax. They deserve better than me.”
“You’re being too hard on yourself. Everyone makes mistakes. We’re only human,” she said.
“Yeah, but faithful women don’t do this to their husbands,” I said.
I heard Anna’s deep inhale before she spoke, “That might be true, but we’ve all been a little unfaithful at times, even if we don’t ever admit it or see it that way. You don’t have to have sex to be unfaithful to someone.”