Clear Cut
Page 7
and pretty,
and looks
a little sad.
“I spoke
with Josie
this morning,” she tells me.
“How is she?”
“She asked
to speak with me—”
“Is she okay?”
“—about you.”
“What?”
“Heather,
please.
Roll up your sleeves.”
MY WORLD SPINS AWAY
I feel
like someone
ice-bucketed
me.
But also
like I am
on fire.
I want to
scream die
confess cry.
I am
ashamed by
betrayed for
exposed of
saved from
my
deep
dark
dirty
secret.
I roll up my sleeves.
I pull up my shirt.
I even describe my legs.
THINGS YOU CAN DO
INSTEAD OF CUTTING
Ms. Turner’s list
is ridiculous:
listen to loud music
jump rope
chop wood
snap a rubber band
against your wrist
tie a red string
around your wrist
use a red marker
hold an ice cube.
But Ms. Turner seems so
hopeful
optimistic
honest
kind…
that I promise
to try.
WEIRD FEELING
I’m kind of waiting
to feel
like cutting
so I can see if
I can make myself
not feel
like cutting.
TREY SAYS
“Probably I should have
told someone.
But I would have felt
like a snitch.”
Paige says, “Is this
over a boy?
Because I
will kill him!”
Liv says, “…but how could I know that?
Cooper said
girls who do that
are nuts,
but you’re not.
You’re my friend.”
Liv’s mom says, “Remember
when I told you
you’re always welcome here?
You still are.”
MY Mom says “Honey, I’m sorry,
I’m so sorry,
so sorrysorrysorry…”
DAD SAYS…
goodbye.
Ms. Turner
had to tell them.
The law made her.
They met
more than once,
my parents
and this counselor.
They decided
our house is
toxic
divided unhappy
a trigger.
So now,
Dad will just visit.
DAD PROMISES…
that our development
is suing
Josie’s father.
And will identify
other plots
with a high chance
of being
clear cut.
These plots
will then
be guarded
and monitored.
Like I did.
Only better.
He tells me
who to talk to
to make sure
I’m part of the team.
He promises,
and I believe him.
Because back in May,
he didn’t even promise.
And he still came
to see me read.
THEPLAYS
get produced
in spite of
everything.
And people come
to see them,
even Cooper.
I end up
taking
Josie’s roles,
which is weird
but seems right.
(Even though
she hasn’t
been in touch
to ask.)
The acting coach
was all about it.
“I don’t know why
they didn’t send you
to the acting track.
I guess
you’ll just have
to come back.”
THE HARDEST PART
may be the scars.
No amount
of cocoa butter
can hide the fact
that I’m a cutter.
“You were a cutter,”
Ms. Turner
corrects me.
She says to
accept that I did it,
but to think
of cutting
as something I
used to do.
A phase.
Like ketchup sandwiches,
or blue hair…
“Or a bad tattoo
that I later regret?”
“Some people actually
cover those scars
with tattoos,” she says.
“But you didn’t
hear that
from me.” Wink, wink.
TREY AND I
are having lunch
the last day
of camp.
“I’ve got
a lot
of stories
about animals,
if you ever want to,
like, call me
or anything.”
Dawson
wanders past us
“Ohmygod, dude.
Kiss her
already!”
Trey’s smile
goes crooked
and his face
gets bright.
Probably not
as bright as mine,
though.
“What kind
of stories?”
MAMA BEAR
“Well, like
there’s one
about this bear.
There’s this little kid
who gets trapped
in a cave
and left
to die
by his nasty
stepfather.
But Gluscabi—that’s our
Great Chief, right?
Our protector?
He sends
his little buddy
Porcupine
into the cave
to help.
Porcupine, like,
glows his eyes
at the kid
and somehow
that calms him down.”
“Really?
I’d freak out
more.”
“Right?
Anyway, Porcupine
calls out to all the forest critters
to come move
this boulder.
And they all show up!
Like it’s a party
or something.
Wolf, raccoon,
caribou, turtle,
possum, rabbit,
squirrel,
and too many
birds to list.
Most of them,
why even bother?
Maybe they were
placing bets
or something.
Of course,
they all try,
and they all fail,
and a lot of them
get hurt.
Then finally,
this Mama Bear
shows up and
moves
the stupid rock.”
IS THAT IT?
“I feel like
there’s more.”
&n
bsp; “There is.”
“What’s the rest?”
“It’s really long.”
“You don’t
remember.”
He shakes his head.
“I better relearn
this stuff.
I’m Native.
I’m supposed to be
All Wise
or some nonsense.”
He pauses,
like he’s
deciding something.
“I was just thinking,
you were kind of like
Josie’s bear.
Like, all the other animals tried,
but only the bear
could free her.
But then,
you’re kind of like
the kid, too.
And Ms. Turner
is your bear.”
I finally
can’t help it.
I start laughing.
“I know.
It’s a mess.
Plus, my dad’s
going to kick my butt
if he finds out
I forgot all this stuff!
But I think
you were good
for Josie.
I think
you helped her.
And I’ll
bet she’s glad.
Someday,
somehow…
she’ll let you know.”
THE OTHER HARDEST PART
We have been working
on my “triggers.”
Things that make me
want to hurt myself.
I say:
Ms. Turner translates:
my parents fighting
lack of security
Liv’s
feeling
SUCKTASTIC
left out or
“boyfriend”
“isolated”
clear cutting
lack of control
in my development
“climate anxiety”
What?
This work sucks!
Ms. Turner says
I need to be aware
of my triggers
when school starts.
She also says
I have to tell people
what I think
and how I feel
for real.
AUGUST
(RUBBER BAND)
Ms. Turner’s list
actually helps.
I’ve gotten most
of my “triggers”
under control.
But sometimes
I want
an outlet.
SEPTEMBER (Red Marker)
Ms. Turner and I
have talked
about being scared,
feeling helpless,
having no control.
OCTOBER (Chop Wood)
We have talked
about wanting
to die.
Feeling suicidal.
NOVEMBER ( … )
I don’t want to die.
I was never suicidal.
DECEMBER ( … )
I am not Josie.
I was never Josie.
I could have been.
But I got lucky.
THE SNOW BALL
Our yearly
December dance.
Like last year,
Liv wants to go.
She has a date.
A real date.
He is taking her
for dinner
before the dance
and he
(well, his dad)
is driving.
I have a date, too.
Liv told Trey
about it
(of course she did)
and he asked
if he could take me.
So I said yes.
JUST LOVE & PEACE
When he called
about the dance,
Trey asked me
about Josie.
I’ve been afraid
to check,
but tonight
I decide
it’s time.
LPRB has a new name:
JLP
There is just one video.
I press play.
There is Sophie,
but with no veil
and no voice effects.
There is Josie.
“Hi. You guys
know me
as Sophie, and I am.
(It’s short
for Josephine.)
Except from now on,
I’m Josie.
A lot of the advice
that Sophie gave you,
I’ve learned
it was bad.
I spent the summer
in this magical place
and made this
great friend and…
screwed up bad.”
Josie starts crying,
but calms herself.
“Listen:
I said before
not to tell your parents.
That was wrong.
I’m saying today:
Find someone,
any one person
you can trust
and talk to them.
Let them help you.
When you get
good help,
it feels amazing.
It’s the biggest relief
in the world,
even
better
than
cutting.”
LOVE, PEACE, & HEALING
I wonder
if Josie
will be okay.
If this will be
for her
like it was
for me:
a phase.
Something
that we will
look back on…
I don’t think
we will laugh.
Even seeing
her scars,
I didn’t understand
that her pain
ran so deep.
Can a person
ever
escape that?
I like to think so.
I like to think
she’ll learn to cope
and maybe even
get famous!
I hope
she does.
I open
the comments
and leave her
a note:
Dear Josie,
We hurt ourselves,
and now
someone is going to help us
heal and feel better.
Love and peace
from the Most Northeast
It Started
with a yes.
A yes
that slipped
easily
from my lips.
Would you girls want to
meet up later?
We could all go out
on Nate’s dad’s boat?
Jay’s green eyes
were both
nervous and eager.
His voice was
low and soft.
Like the moon
s u s p e n d e d
over the water.
A small doubt
like a mosquito
tickled the back of my neck.
But it was carried away
by the sweet-smelling
air of the deep blue Florida night.
Moonlight
gives me courage.
But Eva looked unsure.
Don’t worry, Jay laughed.
You girls will be safe with us.
We’re locals, remember? He winked.
We know what we’re doing.
My excitement
was like static electricity.
If anyone touched
my skin,
their hair
would stand
on end.
; Yes! I squealed.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Melody Dodds is a chemist and former substitute teacher. In addition to this book, she is the author of another verse novel, Little Pills. She shares her home with two cats and one husband, and is building a foil ball exclusively from candy wrappers. It is currently the size of a small pumpkin.