Healing Hearts 10: The Scars That Bind Us

by Dixie Lynn Dwyer Dixie Lynn Dwyer

“My gut believes that day in the gallery was real. That Leif was real. His response to me real, and I believe those scars he has may be an indicator of just how much we may have in common. His scars are visible, mine aren’t, but they’re still there. They still affect my everyday life.”

  “It’s better if you don’t see him because of the case. He’s investigating it. More than likely they might be part of a team to go in and capture Porcini. If something were to go wrong, if they fail, or if Porcini—”

  “No. No you can’t live life with fear of the what if’s. I don’t live my life that way because every day is precious. I don’t wake up and think about a week from now or a month or year from now. I live, because every day is a blessing I nearly lost.”

  “You’re going to defy us?” Blade asked.

  “I’m going to live my life, Blade. It’s all I know how to do.”

  They looked displeased or maybe just concerned, and she knew they loved her, as she loved them. They were protective of her and concerned for her well-being, but they couldn’t stop her from opening up her heart if she chose to. Couldn’t be responsible if she made a mistake and got hurt. She needed to live her life. Make her mistakes, and that’s what got her here. The possibilities of what life could be like if she held on after being rescued and didn’t let the demons make her take her life. Whatever happens, happens.

  * * * *

  Leif was able to track down Joanna by means of his buddy Donny who owned the gym and dojo she trained at. He watched through the glass divider as she trained martial arts to a group of men and women. She looked incredible, and extremely good at training as she showed one guy step-by-step instruction on a complicated move. She had him do the move on her, and when she adjusted his hands on her body, holy shit was Leif jealous. He had done a lot of thinking the last several days. About how he never pursued a woman. Hadn’t ever had to, even with his scars. Those were his hang ups, but he knew that day in the gallery that Jo wasn’t disgusted by them, nor aroused like some women claimed to be and wanted to know more, as if it was exciting and adventurous when it was hell for him.

  No, Jo didn’t react like any woman, and he reacted to her like no one ever before. He waited not so patiently for the class to finish up. As the men and a few women headed out, he watched her undo the Gi she wore over a black tank top. When she took it off, he was even more surprised to see she was well endowed. Her arms were completely muscular and defined, her abs that peeked out from the tank top were competition ready. She looked toward the doorway where he now stood, and her eyes widened. She looked like he startled her.

  He gazed over her body and stepped inside.

  “I wanted to talk to you. Needed to,” he said, and walked deeper into the room. She bent down, trying to act unaffected but she had to be. He wanted her to be affected by him. This was ridiculous and insane and completely unlike him. He was tough, didn’t need a soul, so what was with this possessiveness of her, of wanting her to be more, be in his life?

  “Do you really think that’s a smart idea, considering your professional position?” she asked, and zipped up her bag and stood up. He was inches from her and she stared way up at him. He towered over her.

  “Honestly, I really don’t give a fuck about my profession. It’s you that brought me here, Joanna.”

  She pursed her lips and he could see the tears in her eyes. She shook her head. “Did you follow me that day? Were you working the case for the special CIA team you’re on, and it was your way of investigating me, my family and stuff?”

  “No. Absolutely not. I didn’t know you were involved. I still don’t know, or understand how you’re connected because your cousins and brothers refused to give information on it.”

  “Oh, so that’s why you’re here,” she said, and went to move.

  He placed his hand in her hip, slid his arm around her waist. “No, it isn’t,” he said, and she gasped, holding onto his forearms. He stared down into her gorgeous green eyes.

  “Don’t try to push me away. I don’t know why this is happening. What makes you so damn special that I was so affected by our time at the gallery? I don’t, and this isn’t like me. I keep to myself. I do this profession because I can’t give up being a soldier, feeling capable, despite everything that has happened in my life. You affect me, Joanna. I fucking don’t know how else to explain it.”

  She swallowed hard. He couldn’t resist her. Resist sweeping his eyes over her lips, her breasts and the deep cleavage, and then into her eyes. He slid his arm snugger around her then up her back, pressing her closer while he used his other hand to cup her cheek.

  She was shaking. He could feel it as he inched his lips closer and closer, and then touched them to hers. It was incredible. The attraction, the desire instant as he deepened the kiss, held her neck and head with one hand and caressed her back with the other. As he eased his palm lower and got to her ass, she tightened up and shoved from his hold and turned away.

  “Joanna?”

  She shook her head and slammed her hand against the padded wall next to the closed door. He was at her side, her back toward him.

  “Joanna?” he whispered, and pressed his hand to her waist, only for her to turn toward him with tears in her eyes.

  “Is this a game to you? Are you after sex? You want to use me to make you feel good, feel better?”

  “What? No, no why would you think that?” he demanded to know, and heard his angry tone.

  “I think you should go.”

  He widened his eyes. “Are you out of your mind? After that? You felt it. You were shaking, why?” he asked and stepped closer.

  “Don’t,” she whispered, and her voice cracked. He was confused. She was so gorgeous, perhaps she didn’t want him after all because of his scars.

  He grabbed her hand and she looked at him.

  “Is it my scars? Am I too ugly to be seen with?”

  Her eyes widened. “What? No, no why would you think that?”

  “Your gorgeous, sexy, young, and could get any man you want. A washed up, scarred soldier who can’t mentally handle the field of battle anymore might not be as appealing as a young soldier, a capable, good-looking man.”

  She stepped closer and shook her head. “You’re not ugly. It isn’t the scars. You’re very good-looking, and your eyes, they’re so blue, so incredibly telling to me, but I’m…it’s me, Leif. Not you.”

  He caressed her hip and then cupped her cheek and stroked her jaw. “You felt the attraction, the desire, too, then?” She nodded slowly.

  “Then what is it? You can’t still believe that I intentionally met you, that I’m trying to get information from you.”

  “No.”

  “Then what? Talk to me, Joanna. I need to know. I feel like you understand me, and how I feel, suffering from PTSD.”

  She closed her eyes and tightened them. He could tell she felt it. He stroked her cheek and pressed his palm firmer against her lower back so she was flush against his body.

  “Tell me please. I’ll do whatever it is you need me to do, so we can—”

  “I have PTSD, as well,” she said, and he swallowed hard.

  “What happened?” She shook her head.

  “You can’t tell me?”

  “No.” He thought about that. It had to be bad, and perhaps it was recent and she was still overcoming her fears, her ability to handle episodes.

  “Is it new?”

  “Not really. Like four years or so,” she said to him.

  He caressed her lower lip with his thumb. “It’s been two years for me,” he said to her, and she closed her eyes and leaned into his palm.

  He couldn’t resist and lowered his mouth to hers. This time when he kissed her, he didn’t explore her body with his hands like before. He held back, feeling like that move earlier set her off, which made him fear she was assaulted or raped, something sexual against her body. It was just a thought, and it angered him but also made him hug her close and take his time. She was still shaking though, b
ut he let go a little more. Kissed her slowly, yet deeply, and this time she didn’t shove him away.

  * * * *

  Jo was shocked at the turn of events, but most of all she was affected by Leif coming here, needed to confront her, and prove he wasn’t investigating her and then kissing her. It felt good, and right. She had shoved him away the first time because having a man as big, capable and strong as Leif caress her ass intimately brought on a surge of fear. Yet at the same time, she wanted to feel more but her emotions, those fears stopped her. Now here she was letting him kiss her again, and she couldn’t stop the shaking, but she liked him kissing her and holding her in his arms.

  When he released her lips, they leaned against the padded walls and stared at one another. He stroked her hip against her skin and gave a soft smile. She stared at the scar on his cheek, the one on his neck and then by his eye. He was such a good-looking guy despite those marks.

  “You’re a personal trainer, and teach martial arts. You looked really good out there on the mat teaching.”

  She nibbled her bottom lip. “I love it.” He continued to stroke her skin.

  “Are you teaching another class, or have more to do, or can we spend some more time together?”

  “I have a training session in two hours.”

  He reached up and stroked a loose strand of hair from her cheek. “So is that a yes, to lunch with me?”

  “My brothers don’t want me involved with you. They think it isn’t smart, and especially during this case. My cousins agree.”

  “The same cousins who withheld information from my brothers and I about this investigation and made us waste time? I think they’re just worried about you and very protective. Perhaps it has something to do with your experience and the PTSD?”

  She felt her cheeks warm. “It may be better to not do this, for the sake of angering them all.”

  “I honestly don’t give a shit what your brothers, your cousins, or anyone else has to say about this. We’re adults, Joanna. You feel what I feel and want to explore this. You’ve met my brothers Flynn and Knight, and felt something with them, too.”

  She shook her head and stepped away from him. “No, no I couldn’t. I…this with you was a lot for me, Leif. You don’t understand.” She was panicked. His brothers were interested in her, as well? Where did this come from? She knew she felt instantly attracted to Flynn and Knight, sort of like to Leif, but there was a similarity to her with Leif. A connection that was different.

  He took her hand and closed the space between them. “Don’t panic. Take it slow. You and I spend some time together. Come on, we’ll do lunch, talk some more and just see what happens.”

  “I need to go change, use the shower and stuff.”

  “I’ll wait for you outside.”

  He looked her over and she felt it everywhere. When he leaned down and pressed his lips to hers again as if he couldn’t resist kissing her, she felt giddy inside. Perhaps she was capable of letting down her guard after all, and maybe it just took a special man like Leif, to help her take that chance. She wasn’t sure, but she would be cautious and not let things move too quickly.

  She watched him walk away and grabbed her bag and headed to the locker room. While she showered and then dressed, fixed her hair and grabbed what she needed for the private session she had with Alexis later, she couldn’t help but feel excited about meeting Leif outside and going to lunch with him. She didn’t, wouldn’t, think past that. It wasn’t her. She didn’t think past the moment, the next hour. It was how she survived and this wouldn’t change.

  When she got outside, she sure hadn’t expected to see Danny talking to Leif, as well as another man she didn’t recognize at all. In fact, as the other man, who had crewcut brown hair similar to the color of Leif’s, and a similar build started raising his voice at Danny as he paced. It appeared like the guy had a limp. Danny pointed at him and raised his voice then stopped as his eyes landed on her. The three men turned around to look, and the blond she didn’t know swept his eyes over her body, and holy shit, did she feel it. It was instant, and as she took in the sight of him and Leif she just knew they were brothers.

  Danny pressed between them. “Jo, we need to talk.”

  As she walked closer, closing the pace between her and the three men they got taller and taller, indicating the large difference in size. They towered over her and she straightened out her shoulders, crossed her arms in front of her chest as her gym bag moved to her back. “What is going on here?” she asked.

  Danny took her arm.

  “Give us a minute,” he said.

  She glanced at Leif and the guys she assumed was his brother who was absolutely gorgeous, rugged, with some facial hair and deep blue eyes, as well.

  “I thought my brothers and yours discussed this with you? Why are you accepting talking to them?”

  She exhaled. “It isn’t any of your business.”

  “The hell it isn’t. I’m your cousin. I was there when the shit hit the fan.”

  “Yeah and so was your father.”

  “Jesus, Jo. He didn’t trick you. He wasn’t part of the shit your father did.”

  “Shhh. I thought you all didn’t tell Leif and his brothers anything.”

  “We didn’t.”

  “So lower your voice then.”

  “I’m concerned, to say the least.”

  “Why is that?”

  “Those men, Leif, his brother Cavanaugh over there, as well as Flynn and Knight now, are all working on this. I caught wind of someone investigating them and your cousins, besides your brothers.”

  “What? How?”

  “Through the agency. Now, the last thing we need is for Porcini or Topaz to find out that you’re romantically involved with soldiers that are investigating him.”

  “How could he?”

  He raised his eyebrows up at her. “They aren’t in the United States. If he was, then all of you would have located them and took care of it.”

  “We don’t want to take any chances.”

  “Well I’m not living in fear. I fought for this life.”

  He glanced back at the two men talking. “So you’ll risk it for them? For men you hardly know?”

  “I’m not risking anything here that concerns the case or the past. I’m risking my heart.”

  “That’s what I’m worried about. Can you handle this, if this is just a game to them, an attraction for now?”

  “You don’t know that. Plus, there isn’t anything going on. We’re going to lunch, and Danny, it’s none of your business.”

  “That’s where you’re wrong. My brothers and I care about you. I know things got screwed up with our fathers, but we’re still cousins either way. I know you trust your brothers more, but they’re on the same page as we are. This isn’t smart,” he warned.

  “I think you’re all making it more complicated than it needs to be. We’re friends.”

  “They don’t look at you like friends do,” he countered.

  “I think we’re done,” she said to him.

  Danny wasn’t happy as he walked away and headed to his car, but she heard him warn Leif and his brother. “You hurt her in any way, and you’re dead,” he said fiercely, and then got into his car and left.

  She stood there a moment and then walked toward them and her white jeep that was parked beside a black Range Rover. Cavanaugh ate her up with his eyes and licked his lips the closer she got. It affected her, but Leif took her hand and brought it to his lips, making her attention go to him.

  “Are you okay?” he asked. She nodded. “He’s protective of you, as well,” he added.

  “I haven’t accepted him or his brothers’ protection or care. I take care of myself, and I have my brothers. They’re the only ones I trust,” she said on the defensive.

  “That’s understandable. I trust my brothers with my life. Meet Cavanaugh, the brother you haven’t met.”

  She looked at him as she reached her hand out for him to shake. When he did,
she felt the attraction, that little sensation of electric current running from their hands to her chest. With Leif still holding her other hand, she was overwhelmed. She never thought she would want to be touched by one man, now two, and oh boy, she could be in over her head.

  She pulled back and both men released her hands. “Nice to finally meet you. Leif told me a little bit about you.”

  “Leif did, or your government connections to digging things up on people’s lives?” she asked.

  “All Leif. Said you shared a moment at the gallery and it changed him.”

  She was surprised that Cavanaugh said this to her and as she looked at Leif, he reached out and stroked her cheek, stepped closer, and kissed her softly on the lips. It was quick, but powerful. “You smell good,” he said.

  “Really good,” Cavanaugh added, and she squinted at him.

  “Ready to grab lunch?” Leif asked.

  “Sure,” she replied.

  “Leave your car here, Cavanaugh, and come with us.”

  “Is that okay with Joanna?” Cavanaugh asked, staring at her in a way that told her he found her attractive and also seemed to be waiting on pins and needles with her response to his brother’s question. If she said yes to lunch and Cavanaugh coming along with them, what else was she saying yes to?

  “To lunch, of course. The more the merrier,” she added, and didn’t know why.

  “I’ll drive,” Leif said.

  “I should follow in my jeep. The private session is at a home on the south end of town, so it makes no sense to have to come back this way,” she added.

  “Okay. Follow me and we’ll head to Oyster Cove by the marina.”

  “Okay.”

  * * * *

  “Holy shit, Leif. No wonder you guys are all pissed off and ready to fight nine men in her life. Joanna is gorgeous, and sexy as anything. Those green eyes are amazing. If I didn’t know she wasn’t blood cousin with Danny, I would think that he shared similar eyes.”

  “I noticed that, too, but hers definitely stand out more. Maybe the blonde hair and tanner complexion?” Leif added.

  “Tell me what happened in there? How did you get her to come along?”