Letting Go

by Molly McAdams

  “I don’t care about the when, Grey.” He smiled as he leaned in and placed another deceptively soft kiss on my lips. What seemed so innocent had my legs weakening and my eyelids fluttering shut as I clung to his shirt. “What’s next?” he breathed against my lips when he pulled back.

  I blinked slowly, trying to come out of the daze of the kiss. “What do you mean?”

  “Are you ready to come back to Thatch, or do you need to stay here longer? Or do you not want to go back at all?”

  “No, I want to go back. I just didn’t know how to before. It was easier to run away from it all and then stay gone when I knew everyone had been right. Like I told you, I’m scared. But I’m ready now . . . I’m ready to move.”

  “Then let’s move.”

  LATER THAT NIGHT, after the gallery had closed, I said good night to Jagger and went back with Janie and Heather to their apartment. They both demanded details as soon as Jagger had gotten us into Janie’s car and walked away, and with all their questions and pleas for me to give them every detail of my reunion with Jagger, I’d still been explaining everything by the time I’d started packing.

  “I can’t believe you didn’t go back to his hotel with him!” Heather said in exasperation when I finished, and I shot her a look.

  “Uh, why would I have?”

  Her eyes widened like I’d missed something huge. “Have you seen that guy? And after you both declared your love and everything, how could you not want to go and explore the rest of what you’ve been missing?”

  My hands paused above my bag, and I stared at her in shock. I’d only ever been with Ben, and up until sometime over the last six weeks, I’d been sure I would stay single for the rest of my life. Letting myself admit my feelings to Jagger had been hard enough; sleeping with him . . . well, that just wasn’t something I could think of yet. He and I both knew we had to go slow, we couldn’t . . . I couldn’t . . .

  “Grey, it’s okay! Calm down, just focus on taking deep breaths in and out,” Janie said quickly as she moved in front of me.

  I hadn’t even realized I’d started hyperventilating until I’d heard her talking. “I can’t yet,” I managed to get out, horrified.

  “I know, it’s okay. It’s fine. Jagger knows that too.”

  “Shit, Grey, I’m sorry,” Heather said. “I wasn’t thinking. Janie’s right; Jagger knows that. From what you said he isn’t going to rush you into anything. I was just being me and . . . well, it was stupid. I’m sorry.”

  “Don’t be, I just . . . I hadn’t even thought about that. I—God, it’s ridiculous to be scared over that, right?” I laughed, but it sounded off.

  “It’s not,” Janie assured me. “All of this is a lot, and it’s happened fast. You’re totally allowed to freak out over things. You made a huge decision tonight, and you don’t have to make the rest of them anytime soon, okay? Just go back to Thatch with him and be yourself. Let everything happen one day at a time, just like how you’ve been taking the last two years, all right?”

  I nodded quickly. “Yeah, you’re right.”

  One day at a time. I just needed to keep moving.

  Chapter 6

  Jagger

  July 13, 2014

  MY PHONE STARTED ringing just before Grey and I came up on the lake separating our town from another, and I slapped my hand around on my passenger seat until I found it. If Grey and I hadn’t already spent the last few hours talking as I followed behind her on the way back to Thatch, I would’ve thought it was her.

  “Hello?” I answered without looking at the screen.

  “Hey! Miss me yet?”

  I rolled my eyes and switched the phone over to my other hand. “I’m pretty sure I’ve been telling you I missed you for the last month, Charlie.”

  “Well, I have to make sure you don’t forget about me,” she said teasingly.

  “Don’t think that’s possible, sis. How’s the trip?”

  “It’s good! We’re having fun, but I think we’re all starting to get tired of cars.”

  “I can’t imagine. Grey can barely pull off this three-and-a-half-hour trip without getting bored out of her mind. I don’t know how you all can stand driving across the country and back again.”

  There was a pause before Charlie spoke again, this time her voice was hushed. “Grey’s with you?”

  “No, she’s in front of me. We’re just about to pull into Thatch.”

  “I thought you said she was in Seattle.”

  The easy smile I was wearing at the sound of my sister’s voice dropped into a frown at the way she’d said this, like it was an accusation or something. “She was, and now she’s coming back.”

  When Charlie spoke again, her words held a harsh tone. “Just a week ago you said you hadn’t heard from her. Why is she coming back with you?”

  “Seriously, Charlie? I thought you wanted her back.”

  “I did want her to go back to Thatch, I just didn’t expect you to be bringing her back. What changed in the last week?”

  “I went and got her. I don’t understand the way you randomly react to Grey. You love her, you want to see her, you’re upset she left . . . and then you’re pissed off that I’m bringing her back and were weird as shit when you both hung out before you left for your trip. I thought you’d be happy . . . for me at the very least. Shit.”

  There was another long pause before she asked, “Happy for you? Why would I—what happened to make her come back?”

  “Because I finally have the girl I’ve been waiting for my entire fucking life, Charlie! Now what is your deal?”

  “Have her?” she asked quietly. “You’re together?”

  I blew out a slow, steadying breath and stared at the car in front of mine. “Yeah, in a way.”

  “When did you start dating?” she asked, her voice rising.

  “Seriously: What. Is. Your. Deal?”

  “Just tell me, Jagger!”

  “We didn’t start dating, and I don’t think either of us is going to consider this dating. It’s not like we tried to make it official . . . there’s not really a need to. She knows how I’ve always felt, and I know how she feels, that’s all we need.”

  Charlie was silent for so long I started to say her name when she spoke again. There was an odd pain in the tone of her voice, and for the life of me I couldn’t understand it. “I just—I don’t understand . . .” She trailed off.

  “What don’t you understand? What is there to understand?”

  “Nothing, it’s not a big deal.”

  “Really. You sure about that?” I bit out. “Because I could’ve sworn you felt differently.”

  “Yes, really. And I am happy for you, Jagger . . . I am.”

  “Then wh—”

  “You know, I should probably get going,” she said, cutting me off. “We need to check out of this place and I haven’t packed yet, so I’ll talk to you later.”

  “Charlie,” I groaned.

  “Tell Grey I said hi, okay?”

  I shook my head as my confusion grew. “Yeah, all right. You guys be safe, okay?”

  She laughed softly and sighed. “Of course. See you in a couple weeks.”

  Once the call ended, I blew out a harsh breath and dropped my phone back onto the passenger seat as I pulled up behind Grey at her parents’ house. Stepping out of my car, I rested my arms on top of the door, waiting for her as she walked toward me with a shy smile on her face.

  “Charlie says hi,” I told her once she reached my side.

  “Yeah?” she asked, her eyes brightening. “Is she having fun?”

  I nodded and brushed back some of the hair that had fallen out of her bun, keeping my hand there so I was cupping her cheek when I finished. “Do you need help taking your stuff in?”

  “No, I’ll be fine, it’s only one bag. Are you not staying?”

  “I’m gonna go home and shower, and you should probably spend some time with your parents.”

  She took a step closer to me, closing the di
stance between us, and her lips parted on a soft exhalation as her body pressed up against mine. “And what about you?”

  I looked up to find her eyes locked on my mouth, and a crooked smile pulled at my lips. “What about me?”

  “What about spending time with you . . . ?” She trailed off, leaving the end sounding like a question.

  “I can wait for you.” Leaning forward, I pressed my lips to her forehead and left them there when I said, “Spend time with them, I know they’ve missed you. When you’re done, you know where to find me.”

  As much as I wanted to keep her next to me forever, I couldn’t, and I couldn’t rush this. Even though I knew this girl was finally mine, I still needed to give her time to come to me.

  Stepping back, I bit back another smile when I saw the disappointment briefly cross her face before she nodded. “Okay. I’ll see you soon, then.”

  Forcing myself to not pull her back into my arms, I stepped into my car and shut the door. With one last look in her direction, I pulled out of her driveway and drove home.

  Grey

  July 13, 2014

  I BARELY HAD the front door open before my mom was swinging it back so hard that it bounced back toward us as she pulled me into a hug.

  “I missed you so much, sweetheart,” she murmured as she squeezed me tighter.

  Before I could respond, my dad had his arms around both of us. “So glad you’re home.”

  I laughed awkwardly as I pulled away from them. “I was only gone for a month and a half. I’d gone almost a year without seeing you before this.”

  “It was how and why you left. None of us knew if you would come back, how you were feeling.”

  “Mom, we talked all the time.”

  “I know,” she said with a shrug. “But whenever you’ve left before this and we knew you were upset or hurting, you had . . .” She paused and gave my dad a look. “Well, you had Jagger with you. We knew as long as he was there that you would be okay.”

  I shook my head in amazement. Even after a month and a half of thinking about nothing but the fact that my parents, brother, and friends had all been waiting for the day I would realize what Jagger meant to me, it still blew my mind to hear how much they’d relied on—and trusted—him.

  “Is he coming soon?” Mom asked, and glanced outside before shutting the front door.

  “No, he went back to his place so I could spend some time with you.”

  “Well, you thank him for us for bringing our girl home.”

  I wrapped my arms around my dad’s waist when I heard the tremor in his voice. For all his acting like such a hard-ass, he was the biggest softy.

  “So now tell us what happened,” Mom said eagerly. “I want to hear the whole story. Are the two of you dating now?”

  “You didn’t stay in his hotel room while he was there, did you?” Gone was the shaky tone I’d just listened to, back was my overprotective dad.

  “Honey,” my mom chastised.

  “What? She’s not old enough to—”

  “So here’s an idea,” Graham said loudly as he walked into the entryway from the living room. “Why don’t we let her actually get past the front door and let her relax before we start demanding the details of her time gone?”

  I sent him a grateful smile and he winked at me as Mom and Dad agreed and started bickering about my staying with Jagger while Dad pushed my bag toward the stairs. With the things I’d found out, the feelings I’d sorted through, and the personal conversation between Jagger and me that had changed everything, I wasn’t sure what I wanted to tell them—if anything. It was one thing with my friends, it was another when my dad and brother would be scrutinizing every word I said, and my mom would be hoping that I’d finally moved on from Ben.

  “I didn’t think you would be here.” I stepped into Graham’s arms and laughed when he squeezed too tight.

  “Really, kid? Mom said you were coming home, so of course I’m here.”

  “Well, I’m glad, it’s good to see you. And thanks for talking to Jagger while I was gone.”

  “Of course,” he said, his eyes showing the smile he tried to contain. “I needed to make sure we didn’t lose you; someone had to say something so he would go after you.”

  “Like I said, I really appreciate it.”

  “Don’t worry about it, kid.” Hooking his arm around my neck, he walked us into the living room, and his voice dropped to a low whisper when he said, “But I will kill him if you slept with him.”

  “Graham!”

  “Does that mean you did?”

  “No.” I groaned and stepped away from him to go sit on the couch; he just followed. “You and Dad are both ridiculous when it comes to all that. But you can call Janie if you don’t believe me, I stayed with her last night just like I had the entire time I was gone. No reason to kill Jagger.”

  “I will.” He said the words like he was trying to make sure I knew how serious he was.

  I rolled my eyes and huffed softly. “I know.”

  “Okay, you’re sitting down!” Mom said excitedly as she and Dad came into the room. She sat down on the couch opposite Graham and me, and her face lit up. I swear she started bouncing up and down. “Now tell us everything.”

  “Mom,” Graham grumbled at the same time Dad complained, “Darcy.”

  “What?” she asked, an innocent expression masking the curiosity and excitement that had just been all over her face. “I want to know!”

  I let my head fall onto the back of the couch so I was looking up at the ceiling. This was going to be a long and awkward day.

  I STOOD THERE hours later with key in hand, just staring at the door in front of me. Before everything had happened, I would’ve unlocked the door and walked right in. But now, well, everything had changed now. I didn’t know if I should knock, if I should knock as I unlocked and opened it, or if I should call Jagger to let him know I was standing outside the warehouse.

  I’d told my family as little as possible about the thoughts and feelings I’d sorted through while I was gone and what had happened the night before in the gallery. All while trying to turn the conversation to any other subject whenever Graham and my dad started freaking out over a small detail that they were blowing out of proportion—which was practically the entire time. My mom had still been begging for more details after noticing my evasiveness, and I’d only escaped by saying I’d needed to shower and get to Jagger’s.

  Thankfully my brother and dad were still trying to decode certain things I’d said by the time I’d gotten ready and come back down. With my mom acting as the peacekeeper on Jagger’s behalf and mine, I was able to slip out after a quick good-bye without giving my mom the chance to corner me.

  And now I was there, staring at the stupid metal door like it had the power of changing everything. Like what I decided to do in the next five seconds would give the wrong message to Jagger. I laughed to myself when I realized minutes had gone by with me just standing there, before finally unlocking the door and letting myself in.

  “Jag?” I called out when I didn’t hear music or see any sign of him. “Jagger?”

  Shit. I should’ve called. Or knocked. I totally picked the wrong option.

  Turning around, I took three steps toward the door before a deep voice stopped me. “Where you going?”

  As I looked over my shoulder and up to the loft, a soft smile crossed my face when I saw him leaning over the railing, his hands covered in lingering charcoal, his face and neck covered in smudges.

  “You have a little something there . . . well, kind of everywhere.”

  He rolled his eyes, but his signature lopsided smile offset the action. “I’m working on it. Are you hungry?”

  “A little.”

  “Can I take you out?”

  My smile widened. “Covered in charcoal?” I teased. “And since when do you have to ask me if we can grab food?”

  “Since when do you take off after not being able to find me for half a minute?” he chall
enged.

  I searched for something to say other than the unspoken questions lingering in my mind. How much has changed between us now? What has changed? When nothing came to mind, I simply shrugged. “Apparently since now.”

  Jagger watched me for a few seconds, and I knew he was trying to figure out the questions I’d just avoided. With a small nod, he pushed off the railing and took a step back. “Give me a couple minutes and I’ll be ready.”

  In all the years since Jagger and I had become friends, I’d never felt awkward while waiting for him at his place. When he’d lived with his mom and Charlie, I’d wait in his room with Ben, or by myself. During college it had been the same. Just like he and Ben had always done with me. There had never really been any privacy among the three of us, and that had continued on after Ben died. But now I was terrified. I didn’t know what he would think if I went up to the loft to wait for him, or what he would think if I didn’t. I didn’t want him to think something might happen if he walked out of the bathroom and found me waiting on his bed, but quickly realized he’d had years to think this and had never acted on it.

  It was then I realized I was the one who was making things awkward. Not Jagger. Not the change in our relationship. I, with my fear of the unknown, was making this harder than it needed to be. I knew I couldn’t worry about what might happen between us, or doing or saying the wrong thing. This was Jagger, my best friend and the one guy who knew absolutely everything about me, and had seen me at my worst. He was the guy I’d fallen in love with at some point in my life.

  Just because I’d finally acknowledged that truth didn’t mean that we had to change.

  With a deep breath, I dropped my purse and keys on the bar and walked across the room and up the stairs to the loft. The water from the shower was running, and I caught myself looking at the closed door to the bathroom. I’d seen Jagger naked before. From the times we’d all skinny-dipped in the lake, and from others when I’d come to his place and he hadn’t been expecting me while he was changing or just getting out of the shower. But now I couldn’t stop thinking about him in the shower, the way his body looked, the way it would feel.