Letting Go

by Molly McAdams

  It took a second to realize my body was trembling and my breaths were too quick and shallow. I was on the edge of hyperventilating and, at the same time, welcoming the way my body slowly heated at the thoughts I’d just been having of him. The dizzying waves, shaking, and cold sweat that had just covered my body, mixed with a heat that had everything to do with the guy currently in the shower, were too much. I took hard and deep breaths in and out as I tried to calm myself, but my conflicting thoughts were only making it worse.

  Knowing I was allowed to think about him in the way I had been didn’t stop me from going back to my old way of thinking. That I couldn’t do that to Ben, that it was spitting on his memory.

  I can’t do this. I can’t do this.

  Gripping the chain around my neck, I tried to push those thoughts out of my mind, but they were loud. Too loud. Suddenly Jagger was right in front of me, and my eyes flew open when I felt him there. I focused on his worried expression as he knelt between my legs, both hands cupping my cheeks as he mumbled over and over again for me to breathe. And it was there and then, in the calm that poured through my body and the way my chest warmed as I stared into his green eyes, that I knew I could do this. That I remembered why I hadn’t been able to let him walk away from me the night before.

  Because, despite everything from our past, I was undeniably in love with him.

  “Grey,” he said on a breath when I’d calmed down, his eyebrows pinching together like he was in pain.

  “I’m sor—”

  “Don’t,” he begged. “Don’t say you’re sorry. You’re fine. I swear I’ll take care of you, and I won’t push you into anything.”

  “I know you won’t. I’m not scared of you or this, Jagger, I swear. It’s just so hard to stop the way I’ve been thinking for the last two years.”

  “You don’t have to stop thinking that way. You don’t. We will go as slow or as fast as you want. The only thing that has changed between us is that everything is out there now. We’re still best friends, and we can stay just that for however long you want. Even if it’s forever.”

  I hated the sincerity in his tone. Because even though that wasn’t what I wanted for us, I knew he would do exactly what he was saying without a second thought. It killed me that after he’d waited for me for so long, there was still something between us. There would always be something between us. “I don’t want that. I want you, and I want a life with you—one that’s different from how it has been. I just . . .”

  One of his hands left my cheek to curl around my fist, gripping Ben’s ring. “I know,” he said softly. “You don’t have to explain anything to me. I already know.” Standing up, he kept his hand on my face so I would continue looking at him. “Do you want to go home?”

  “No! No, I don’t. I was counting down the hours until I could come see you tonight. I want to go eat; I just want to be with you. I’m sorry that I—”

  “Grey, I told you, it’s fine. Please don’t apologize. Let me get dressed and we’ll leave.”

  My eyes automatically dropped to the towel wrapped around his waist for the first time since he’d come out of the bathroom, before quickly darting back up to his face. He took a step away before turning toward his dresser, and I watched as he pulled clothes out before walking to the bathroom.

  “Jagger,” I said before he could reach the door. He looked over his shoulder at me, his face blank. “I love you.” It was true, and I’d wanted to say it over and again since the first time I’d finally said it the night before. But even I wasn’t deaf to the way those three words had just sounded. Like a mix of trying to convince him and me.

  A sad smile crossed his face before he nodded. “I know you do.”

  As soon as the door to the bathroom closed, I fell onto my back on the bed and tried to hold back the tears that had been threatening to spill since before Jagger had found me quickly losing it.

  All I’d wanted was to spend time alone with Jagger after having gone so long without him, but I’d already messed everything up within five minutes of being there. I knew from his words, and from the fact that he hadn’t kissed me since the night before, that Jagger was letting me set the pace. I didn’t want anything holding me back from a relationship with him, but knew I was allowing Ben’s memory to do exactly that. I wished I could say I could stop, but at that moment, it would’ve been a lie.

  After clinging to it for so long, I wondered if I would ever be able to let go of my past with Ben.

  Chapter 7

  Grey

  July 15, 2014

  THREE LIGHT TAPS on my door pulled me out of my daydream just as my mom came walking into my room. I stared at her blandly for a second as I finished pushing aside the lingering thoughts I’d been having, until I caught on to the coy smile she was trying to hide. She was failing. Horribly.

  “Hey,” I said, drawing out the word in my confusion. “Am I missing something?”

  She blinked quickly and straightened her back as she put on her “mom” face. “Why does there have to be ‘something,’ what if I just wanted to come in here and see what my daughter was up to?”

  I glanced down at my phone and raised an eyebrow when I looked back up at her. “At nine in the morning?”

  “Well, you were awake, weren’t you?”

  “Yes . . .” I drew out the word again, making it sound more like a question.

  My mom hated mornings and was always grumbling at people who were “too perky” before ten. Which meant she was usually grumbling at me when I was home. I distinctly remember her throwing a mini-celebration for herself when Ben got his license and car because she wouldn’t have to wake up to take me to school anymore. So for her to be out of her pajamas and have her makeup and hair done at this hour was something to be concerned about. Add on the creepy smile¸ and I wasn’t sure I was talking to my mom anymore.

  “Have you had a lot of coffee this morning?”

  “Not a cup! But I’m working on it.” She lightly bounced as she walked into my room and sat on my bed, facing where I was sitting at my vanity.

  “Is that why you’re so awake? You want to go get coffee?” I glanced down to what I was wearing and shrugged. “I’m ready if you are.”

  “Grey, don’t act like I’m never awake at this hour.”

  “I didn’t say that. I’m just saying you’re usually a zombie at this hour.”

  She huffed and rolled her eyes. “Nice.”

  Neither of us said anything as her smile started slowly creeping across her face again. This was getting awkward.

  “So, are we getting coffee or not? You’re staring at me like you belong with other Stepford wives.”

  “Now, why are you being so grumpy this morning?” She leaned forward to whisper, “Are you on your period?”

  “Mom, no. Seriously?” I laughed awkwardly as I waved a hand at her. “You’re the one being weird, I’m not grumpy at all. You come in here smiling like you have a secret and I’m pretty sure my mom has been replaced by a robot. That, or my phone is a few hours behind on the time for some reason.”

  “Like I said, I just wanted to come see you . . .”

  “I usually wake you up in the morning!” I argued.

  “ . . . and maybe tell you that there is a very handsome young man waiting downstairs for you.”

  My head jerked back and I looked toward my bedroom door. “Wait, what?”

  She put her hands out to the side and shrugged, but that excited smile was back on her face. “It’s just a possibility.”

  “Jagger’s here? Why didn’t he just come up?”

  “Because I had to make sure you looked ready for him.”

  A short laugh burst from my chest. “Mom. He’s seen me in three-day-old pajamas and greasy hair. Nothing will faze him.”

  “Well, that’s gross. Wait, where are you going?” she asked as she quickly climbed off my bed and ran over to me as I walked to the door.

  “I’m going to see Jagger . . . unless he’s not actually h
ere . . .”

  “He is, but you need to change,” she hissed before shutting my bedroom door.

  I once again looked down at my clothes, my expression morphing into confusion when I did. “What’s wrong with what I have on?”

  “You look like you’re going to do yoga.”

  “And? I just got home from running and taking a shower, I wanted to be comfortable.”

  “And you can’t look like you’re not excited to see him!”

  I laughed in frustration and looked at the door longingly before shooting my mom a look. “I am excited to see him, these clothes don’t say that.”

  “Grey Alexandra LaRue, change your clothes.”

  My eyes widened and a smile pulled at my lips. “Okay, that sounds more like you in the morning. What do you suggest I wear?”

  “Something perfect.”

  My expression fell. “Perfect.”

  “Yes, and put some makeup on. I’ll go distract your guest.”

  “Mom,” I called out when she opened the door and walked out of the room. “This is Jagger. Not some random guy coming to see me. Jagger stopped being a guest when we were twelve.”

  She pointed a finger at me as she walked backward toward the staircase. “Change,” she demanded quietly.

  Biting back a groan, I walked over to my closet and flung open the door. I didn’t know what qualified as “perfect” at nine in the morning, and at that moment nothing seemed better than what I was already wearing. After staring at my clothes for what felt like hours, I grabbed my green lace racerback tank and threw it on over the black spaghetti strap I was already wearing. Stepping out of my yoga pants, I searched for a pair of shorts and pulled them on as I walked to the door. I stopped abruptly as soon as I hit the doorway, and didn’t hold back my next groan as I turned right back around and walked over to my vanity to put on some makeup—the entire time grumbling about my mom.

  Maybe I was in a bad mood.

  My mind drifted back to the dreams I’d had last night, and that I’d let replay through my mind all this morning. Jagger still hadn’t kissed me again, and even though we’d spent all day together yesterday, every touch had been started by me. I knew he was letting me set the pace, but it was making me think that I’d somehow pushed him back with my mini-meltdown the other night. My dreams of never being able to get close enough to him just made my worries increase.

  Once I finished with my makeup, I looked at my reflection for a few seconds before grabbing my phone and taking off toward the stairs. I shook my head and tried not to laugh when I heard my mom talking. She wasn’t just being weird with me; she was being weird with Jagger as well. Questioning him like she was just meeting him for the first time, asking all about his life that she already knew just as well as his own mother.

  “Mom, Jagger can’t tell you anything about himself that you don’t already know,” I said by way of announcing myself when I walked into the living room.

  Jagger gave me a look that I was sure matched the expression on my own face when the robot posing as my mom had been in my room, and I just sent him a smile. When I glanced over at my mom, she gestured to her clothes before giving me a thumbs-up while mouthing, “Perfect.”

  “Did your mom have a caffeine IV this morning?” Jagger whispered in my ear as he pulled me into his arms.

  “You’d think so.”

  “Well, what are the plans for today, kids?”

  Jagger turned back to look at my mom, his arm wrapped securely around my waist. “Uh, not sure. Do you need Grey for anything today?”

  “No, no. Of course not, keep her as long as you want.” I made a face and she quickly added, “Except for the night, of course! Bring her home tonight, you know, so she’s here. In her bed. Without you in it too.”

  A husky laugh sounded next to me, and Jagger’s fingers flexed against me. “Of course, Mrs. LaRue.”

  Mom blushed and waved him off. “You can call me Darcy, sweetie, you know that.”

  Oh my God. My mom was flirting with my boyfriend. Man friend . . . person. “Mom!”

  “I know, but why change thirteen years of tradition?” Jagger replied easily. “I’ll have Grey home tonight.”

  “Okay! Bye, you two! Have so much fun today—I mean, not too much fun. You know, don’t get yourselves in any position you’ll regret.”

  “Mom!”

  “Not that kind of position . . . but, yes, that too! Protect yourselves.”

  Jagger busted up laughing, and I felt my face heat. “Oh my God. We’re leaving. Now. We’re going.” Grabbing the hand on my waist, I towed a still-laughing Jagger to the door and outside. “What the hell?” I whispered as we walked down the driveway.

  “I have never seen your mom like that.”

  I shot him a look as I slid into the passenger seat of his car. “And you think I have? I called her a Stepford wife when she came to tell me you were here.”

  “Did she act like that yesterday when you came over?”

  “No, she was shuffling around in her robe still.” I glanced down at my phone when it buzzed twice, and my jaw dropped and eyes widened in horror when I read the texts from my mom.

  U have condiments just in case, right?

  CONDOMS. I meant condoms! Y did it change what I wrote?

  “What?”

  Dropping my head, I shook it back and forth as I started laughing uncontrollably at the ridiculousness of this morning so far, and held my phone up for Jagger to see.

  “Oh Christ,” he mumbled, and nudged my leg into the car before shutting my door. Once he was in the driver’s seat, he turned on the car and threw it in reverse, his face covered in shock until we hit the road. “Did she, uh . . . was she like this with you and Ben?”

  “No, not at all.” I looked ahead and tried to find an explanation for her behavior. “This is the first time she’s seen you since that morning I found out how you felt about me, and she’s been rooting for you all along, I think she’s just overly excited by it right now.”

  Jagger glanced at me and tapped on my phone. “I think that’s an understatement.”

  “So embarrassing,” I groaned. “New subject, please. What are we doing today? Just hanging out like yesterday?”

  “No, I have a few things in mind.”

  “Oh really?” I reached over to place my hand on his leg, my chest warming when he switched hands on the steering wheel so he could grip my hand. “And what exactly do you have in mind?”

  “Making you pancakes.”

  “You can’t even make pancakes, Jag.”

  “No, but the cooks at Mama’s Café can.”

  I groaned in appreciation. “My favorite.”

  Looking over at me, he sent me a lopsided smile and squeezed my hand. “I know.”

  “And what after?”

  With a subtle shrug, he looked back at the road. “I guess you’ll just have to find out when the time comes.”

  “All right, then.” Settling back in my seat, I smiled to myself and got ready for a day of nothing but Jagger.

  AFTER EATING PANCAKES and driving into the town next to ours to watch a movie, we spent a couple hours at the dock and were now walking around the touristy part of our town.

  “I need to start looking for a job,” I mumbled as we exited a store where Jagger got more charcoals.

  “Why?”

  “Why?” I laughed softly and sank into his side when he pulled me close. “Um, it could have something to do with me needing money.”

  “I’ll pay for something if you need it.”

  I rolled my eyes and elbowed him. “I meant bills. I have to pay my student loan, and I want to get out of my parents’ house and get my own place.”

  “You’re going to get your own place,” he stated dully. “Why?”

  “Did you not see my mom this morning?” I teased. “Besides, I want to, and we’ve already talked about this. It’s weird living by yourself for two years, and being away from your parents for four, and then going back to livi
ng with them. If you didn’t have the warehouse, would you have moved back in with your mom?”

  He gave me a look like I’d lost my mind. “No.”

  “See? I’m just ready to get back out on my own.”

  Jagger stopped walking, but kept me close to him. “Do you want to be alone, or do you just want to get away from your parents?”

  “It’s not that I want to get away from my parents. I just want space. I don’t want my mom acting like she did today if you come to see me, I want some privacy sometimes.”

  He looked at me for a few seconds before letting his eyes drift away. Just before I could ask what he was thinking, he said, “We have privacy at my place.”

  “I know, but I’m not going to move in with you four days after we figured out that we want to be together.”

  “No, um . . . I didn’t mean move in now. Not that you can’t, you’re welcome there whenever. If you want your own space, I can make up the extra room—it already has the stuff from your apartment in there.”

  My eyebrows rose and I got even closer to him. “You really think if I moved in there that I would sleep in a different room?”

  His green eyes flashed down to meet mine, the want in them clear. “What I’m saying is that I think you should save your money. Am I hoping that you’ll one day move in with me? Yeah, of course I am, but that’s up to you and can be tomorrow or years from now . . . if it does happen. But if you think that it’s a possibility, I don’t see a point in you getting a place where you’ll just waste your money and be stuck in a lease for however long. At the same time, if you want your own place, then you should get it.”

  I stared at him for a few seconds before grumbling, “You’re no help.”

  “I won’t push you—”

  I stood on my toes and pressed my mouth firmly against his, cutting off the rest of what he was going to say. “I know you won’t,” I whispered against his lips. “The fact that it’s been four days since you’ve kissed me is proof.”

  As soon as the last word was out, he crushed me against his body and captured my lips with his, a deep moan sounding in his chest when my tongue met his.