by T. Smollett
Mrs. Pickle assumes the Reins of Government in her own Family--HerSister-in-law undertakes an Enterprise of great Moment, but is for sometime diverted from her Purpose by a very interesting Consideration.
Whatever deference, not to say submission, she had paid to Mrs. Grizzlebefore she nearly allied to her family, she no sooner became Mrs.Pickle, than she thought it encumbent on her to act up to the dignity ofthe character; and, the very day after the marriage, ventured to disputewith her sister-in-law on the subject of her own pedigree, which sheaffirmed to be more honourable in all respects than that of her husband;observing that several younger brothers of her house had arrived atthe station of lord-mayor of London, which was the highest pitch ofgreatness that any of Mr. Pickle's predecessors had ever attained.
This presumption was like a thunderbolt to Mrs. Grizzle, who began toperceive that she had not succeeded quite so well as she imagined, inselecting for her brother a gentle and obedient yoke-fellow, who wouldalways treat her with that profound respect which she thought due to hersuperior genius, and be entirely regulated by her advice and direction:however, she still continued to manage the reins of government in thehouse, reprehending the servants as usual; an office she performed withgreat capacity, and in which she seemed to take singular delight, untilMrs. Pickle, on pretence of consulting her ease, told her one dayshe would take that trouble on herself, and for the future assume themanagement of her own family. Nothing could be more mortifying to Mrs.Grizzle than such a declaration; to which, after a considerable pause,and strange distortion of look, she replied: "I shall never refuseor repine at any trouble that may conduce to my brother'sadvantage."--"Dear madam," answered the sister, "I am infinitely obligedfor your kind concern for Mr. Pickle's interest, which I consider as myown, but I cannot bear to see you a sufferer by your friendship; and,therefore, insist on exempting you from the fatigue you have borne solong."
In vain did the other protest that she took pleasure in the task:Mrs. Pickle ascribed the assurance to her excess of complaisance; andexpressed such tenderness of zeal for her dear sister's health andtranquility, that the reluctant maiden found herself obliged to resignher authority, without enjoying the least pretext for complaining of herbeing deposed.
This disgrace was attended by a fit of peevish devotion that lastedthree or four weeks; during which period she had the additional chagrinof seeing the young lady gain an absolute ascendency over the mind ofher brother, who was persuaded to set up a gay equipage, and improvehis housekeeping, by an augmentation in his expense, to the amount ofa thousand a year at least: though his alteration in the economy of hishousehold effected no change in his own disposition, or manner of life;for as soon as the painful ceremony of receiving and returning visitswas performed, he had recourse to the company of his sea friends, withwhom he spent the best part of his time. But if he was satisfied withhis condition, the case was otherwise with Mrs. Grizzle, who, findingher importance in the family greatly diminished, her attractionsneglected by all the male sex in the neighbourhood, and the witheringhand of time hang threatening over her head, began to feel the horror ofeternal virginity, and, in a sort of desperation, resolved at any rateto rescue herself from that reproachful and uncomfortable situation.
Thus determined, she formed a plan, the execution of which to aspirit less enterprising and sufficient than hers, would have appearedaltogether impracticable: this was no other than to make a conquest ofthe commodore's heart, which the reader will easily believe was not verysusceptible of tender impressions; but, on the contrary, fortified withinsensibility and prejudice against the charms of the whole sex, andparticularly prepossessed to the prejudice of that class distinguishedby the appellation of old maids, in which Mrs. Grizzle was by this timeunhappily ranked. She nevertheless took the field, and having investedthis seemingly impregnable fortress, began to break ground one day,when Trunnion dined at her brother's, by springing certain ensnaringcommendations on the honesty and sincerity of sea-faring people,paying a particular attention to his plate, and affecting a simper ofapprobation at everything which he said, which by any means she couldconstrue into a joke, or with modesty be supposed to hear: nay, evenwhen he left decency on the left hand, which was often the case, sheventured to reprimand his freedom of speech with a grin, saying, "Sureyou gentlemen belonging to the sea have such an odd way with you." Butall this complacency was so ineffectual, that, far from suspecting thetrue cause of it, the commodore, that very evening, at the club, inpresence of her brother, with whom by this time he could take any mannerof freedom, did not scruple to d-- her for a squinting, block-faced,chattering p-- kitchen; and immediately after drank "Despair to all oldmaids." The toast Mr. Pickle pledged without the least hesitation, andnext day intimated to his sister, who bore the indignity with surprisingresignation, and did not therefore desist from her scheme, unpromisingas it seemed to be, until her attention was called off, and engagedin another care, which for some time interrupted the progress of thisdesign.
Her sister had not been married many months, when she exhibited evidentsymptoms of pregnancy, to the general satisfaction of all concerned, andthe inexpressible joy of Mrs. Grizzle, who, as we have already hinted,was more interested in the preservation of the family name than inany other consideration whatever. She therefore no sooner discoveredappearances to justify and confirm her hopes, than, postponing her ownpurpose, and laying aside that pique and resentment she had conceivedfrom the behaviour of Mrs. Pickle, when she superseded her authority;or perhaps, considering her in no other light than that of the vehiclewhich contained, and was destined to convey, her brother's heir tolight, she determined to exert her uttermost in nursing, tending, andcherishing her during the term of her important charge. With thisview she purchased Culpepper's Midwifery, which with that sagaciousperformance dignified with Aristotle's name, she studied withindefatigable care; and diligently perused the Complete Housewife,together with Quincy's Dispensatory, culling every jelly, marmalade, andconserve which these authors recommend as either salutary or toothsome,for the benefit and comfort of her sister-in-law, during her gestation.She restricted her from eating roots, pot-herbs, fruit, and all sorts ofvegetables; and one day, when Mrs. Pickle had plucked a peach with herown hand, and was in the very act of putting it between her teeth, Mrs.Grizzle perceived the rash attempt, and running up to her, fell on herknees in the garden, entreating her, with tears in her eyes, to desistsuch a pernicious appetite. Her request was no sooner complied with,than recollecting, that if her sister's longing was balked, the childmight be affected with some disagreeable mark or deplorable disease, shebegged as earnestly that she would swallow the fruit, and in the meantime ran for some cordial water of her own composing, which she forcedon her sister, as an antidote to the poison she had received.
This excessive zeal and tenderness did not fail to be very troublesometo Mrs. Pickle, who, having resolved divers plans for the recoveryof her own ease, at length determined to engage Mrs. Grizzle in suchemployment as would interrupt that close attendance, which she found soteasing and disagreeable. Neither did she wait long for an opportunityof putting her resolution in practice. The very next day a gentlemanhappening to dine with Mr. Pickle, unfortunately mentioned a pine-apple,part of which he had eaten a week before at the house of a nobleman, wholived in another part of the country, at the distance of a hundred milesat least.
The name of this fatal fruit was no sooner pronounced, than Mrs.Grizzle, who incessantly watched her sister's looks, took the alarm,because she thought they gave certain indications of curiosity anddesire; and after having observed that she herself could never eatpine-apples, which were altogether unnatural productions, extortedby the force of artificial fire out of filthy manure, asked, with afaltering voice, if Mrs. Pickle was not of her way of thinking? Thisyoung lady, who wanted neither slyness nor penetration, at once divinedher meaning, and replied, with seeming unconcern, that for her own partshe should never repine if there was no pine-apple in the universe,provided she could indulge herself with
the fruits of her own country.
This answer was calculated for the benefit of the stranger, who wouldcertainly have suffered for his imprudence by the resentment of Mrs.Grizzle, had her sister expressed the least relish for the fruit inquestion. It had the desired effect, and re-established the peace of thecompany, which was not a little endangered by the gentleman's want ofconsideration. Next morning, however, after breakfast, the pregnantlady, in pursuance of her plan, yawned, as it were by accident, full inthe face of her maiden sister, who being infinitely disturbed by thisconvulsion, affirmed it was a symptom of longing, and insisted uponknowing the object in desire; when Mrs. Pickle affecting a smiletold her she had eaten a most delicious pine-apple in her sleep. Thisdeclaration was attended with an immediate scream, uttered byMrs. Grizzle, who instantly perceiving her sister surprised at theexclamation, clasped her in her arms, and assured her, with a sort ofhysterical laugh, that she could not help screaming with joy, becauseshe had it in her power to gratify her dear sister's wish; a lady inthe neighbourhood having promised to send her, as a present, a couple ofdelicate pine-apples, which she would on that very day go in quest of.
Mrs. Pickle would by no means consent to this proposal, on pretence ofsparing the other unnecessary fatigue; and assured her, that if she hadany desire to eat a pine-apple, it was so faint, that the disappointmentcould produce no bad consequence. But this assurance was conveyed ina manner, which she knew very well how to adopt, that, instead ofdissuading, rather stimulated Mrs. Grizzle to set out immediately, noton a visit to that lady, whose promise she herself had feigned witha view of consulting her sister's tranquility, but on a random Searchthrough the whole country for this unlucky fruit, which was like toproduce so much vexation and prejudice to her and her father's house.
During three whole days and nights did she, attended by a valet, ridefrom place to place without success, unmindful of her health, andcareless of her reputation, that began to suffer from the nature of herinquiry, which was pursued with such peculiar eagerness and distraction,that everybody with whom she conversed, looked upon her as an unhappyperson, whose intellects were not a little disordered.
Baffled in all her researches within the country, she at length decidedto visit that very nobleman at whose house the officious stranger hadbeen (for her) so unfortunately regaled, and actually arrived, in apost-chaise, at the place of his habitation, when she introduced herbusiness as an affair on which the happiness of a whole family depended.By virtue of a present to his lordship's gardener, she procured theHesperian fruit, with which she returned in triumph.
CHAPTER VI.