by T. Smollett
Mrs. Grizzle is indefatigable in gratifying her Sister'sLongings--Peregrine is born, and managed contrary to the Directionsand Remonstrances of his Aunt, who is disgusted upon that account, andresumes the Plan which she had before rejected.
The success of this device would have encouraged Mrs. Pickle to practisemore of the same sort upon her sister-in-law, had she not been deterredby a violent fever which seized her zealous ally, in consequence of thefatigue and uneasiness she had undergone; which, while it lasted, aseffectually conduced to her repose, as any other stratagem she couldinvent. But Mrs. Grizzle's health was no sooner restored, than theother, being as much incommoded as ever, was obliged, in her owndefence, to have recourse to some other contrivance; and managed herartifices in such a manner, as leaves it at this day a doubt whether shewas really so whimsical and capriccios in her appetites as she herselfpretended to be; for her longings were not restricted to the demands ofthe palate and stomach, but also affected all the other organs of sense,and even invaded her imagination, which at this period seemed to bestrangely diseased.
One time she longed to pinch her husband's ear; and it was with infinitedifficulty that his sister could prevail upon him to undergo theoperation. Yet this task was easy, in comparison with another sheundertook for the gratification of Mrs. Pickle's unaccountable desire;which was no other than to persuade the commodore to submit his chinto the mercy of the big-bellied lady, who ardently wished for anopportunity of plucking three black hairs from his beard. When thisproposal was first communicated to Mr. Trunnion by the husband, hisanswer was nothing but a dreadful effusion of oaths, accompanied withsuch a stare, and delivered in such a tone of voice, as terrified thepoor beseecher into immediate silence; so that Mrs. Grizzle was fainto take the whole enterprise upon herself, and next day went to thegarrison accordingly, where, having obtained entrance by means of thelieutenant, who, while his commander was asleep, ordered her to beadmitted for the joke's sake, she waited patiently till he turned out,and then accosted him in the yard, where he used to perform his morningwalk. He was thunderstruck at the appearance of a woman in a place hehad hitherto kept sacred from the whole sex, and immediately began toutter an apostrophe to Tom Pipes, whose turn it was then to watch; whenMrs. Grizzle, falling on her knees before him, conjured him, with manypathetic supplications, to hear and grant her request, which was nosooner signified, than he bellowed in such an outrageous manner that thewhole court re-echoed the opprobrious term b--, and the word damnation,which he repeated with surprising volubility, without any sort ofpropriety or connection; and retreated into his penetralia, leaving thebaffled devotee in the humble posture she had so unsuccessfully chosento melt his obdurate heart.
Mortifying as this repulse must have been to a lady of her statelydisposition, she did not relinquish her aim, but endeavoured to interestthe commodore's counsellors and adherents in her cause. With this viewshe solicited the interest of Mr. Hatchway, who, being highly pleasedwith a circumstance so productive of mirth and diversion, readilyentered into her measures, and promised to employ his whole influencefor her satisfaction; and as for the boatswain's mate, he was renderedpropitious by the present of a guinea, which she slipped into his hand.In short, Mrs. Grizzle was continually engaged in this negotiation forthe space of ten days, during which, the commodore was so incessantlypestered with her remonstrances, and the admonitions of his associates,that he swore his people had a design upon his life, which becoming aburden to him, he at last complied, and was conducted to the scene likea victim to the altar, or rather like a reluctant bear, when he is ledto the stake amidst the shouts and cries of butchers and their dogs.After all, this victory was not quite so decisive as the conquerorsimagined; for the patient being set, and the performer prepared witha pair of pincers, a small difficulty occurred: she could not for sometime discern one black hair on the whole superficies of Mr. Trunnion'sface, when Mrs. Grizzle, very much alarmed and disconcerted, hadrecourse to a magnifying-glass that stood upon her toilet; and, after amost accurate examination, discovered a fibre of a dusky hue, to whichthe instrument being applied, Mrs. Pickle pulled it up by the roots, tothe no small discomposure of the owner, who, feeling the smart much moresevere than he had expected, started up, and swore he would not partwith another hair to save them all from damnation.
Mr. Hatchway exhorted him to patience and resignation; Mrs. Grizzlerepeated her entreaties with great humility; but finding him deaf to allher prayers, and absolutely bent upon leaving the house, she clasped hisknees, and begged for the love of God that he would have compassion upona distressed family, and endure a little more for the sake of the poorinfant, who would otherwise be born with a gray beard upon its chin.Far from being melted, he was rather exasperated by this reflection; towhich he replied with great indignation, "D-- you for a yaw-sighted b--!I'll be hanged, long enough before he has any beard at all:" so saying,he disengaged himself from her embraces, flung out at the door, andhalted homewards with such surprising speed, that the lieutenant couldnot overtake him until he had arrived at his own gate; and Mrs.Grizzle was so much affected with his escape, that her sister, in purecompassion, desired she would not afflict herself, protesting that herown wish was already gratified, for she had plucked three hairs at once,having from the beginning been dubious of the commodore's patience.
But the labours of this assiduous kinswoman did not end with theachievement of this adventure: her eloquence or industry was employedwithout ceasing in the performance of other tasks imposed by theingenious craft of her sister-in-law, who at another time conceived aninsuppressible affection for a fricassee of frogs, which should be thegenuine natives of France; so that there was a necessity for despatchinga messenger on purpose to that kingdom; but as she could not dependupon the integrity of any common servant, Mrs. Grizzle undertook thatprovince, and actually set sail in a cutter for Boulogne, from whenceshe returned in eight-and-forty hours with a tub full of those liveanimals, which being dressed according to art, her sister did nottaste them, on pretence that her fit of longing was past: but then herinclinations took a different turn, and fixed themselves upon a curiousimplement belonging to a lady of quality in the neighbourhood, whichwas reported to be a great curiosity: this was no other than a porcelainchamber-pot of admirable workmanship, contrived by the honourable owner,who kept it for her own private use, and cherished it as a utensil ofinestimable value.
Mrs. Grizzle shuddered at the first hint, she received of her sister'sdesire to possess this piece of furniture; because she knew it was notto be purchased; and the lady's character, which was none of the mostamiable in point of humanity and condescension, forbad all hopes ofborrowing it for a season: she therefore attempted to reason down thiscapricious appetite, as an extravagance of imagination which ought to becombated and repressed; and Mrs. Pickle, to all appearance was convincedand satisfied by her arguments and advice; but, nevertheless, could makeuse of no other convenience, and was threatened with a very dangeroussuppression. Roused at the peril in which she supposed her to be,Mrs. Grizzle flew to the lady's house, and, having obtained a privateaudience, disclosed the melancholy situation of her sister, and imploredthe benevolence of her ladyship, who, contrary to expectation, receivedher very graciously, and consented to indulge Mrs. Pickle's longing. Mr.Pickle began to be out of humour at the expense to which he was exposedby the caprice of his wife, who was herself alarmed at this lastaccident, and for the future kept her fancy within bounds; insomuch,that without being subject to any more extraordinary trouble, Mrs.Grizzle reaped the long-wished fruits of her dearest expectation in thebirth of a fine boy, whom her sister in a few months brought into theworld.
I shall omit the description of the rejoicings, which were infinite onthis important occasion, and only observe that Mrs. Pickle's mother andaunt stood godmothers, and the commodore assisted at the ceremony asgodfather to the child, who was christened by the name of Peregrine, incompliment to the memory of a deceased uncle. While the mother confinedto her bed, and incapable of maintaining her o
wn authority, Mrs. Grizzletook charge of the infant baby by a double claim, and superintended, withsurprising vigilance, the nurse and midwife in all the particulars oftheir respective offices, which were performed by her express direction.But no sooner was Mrs. Pickle in a condition to reassume the managementof her own affairs, when she thought proper to alter certain regulationsconcerning the child, which had obtained in consequence of her sister'sorders, directing, among other innovations, that the bandages with whichthe infant had been so neatly rolled up, like an Egyptian mummy, shouldbe loosened and laid aside, in order to rid nature of all restraint,and give the blood free scope to circulate; and, with her own hands sheplunged him headlong every morning into a tub full of cold water. Thisoperation seemed so barbarous to the tender-hearted Mrs. Grizzle, thatshe not only opposed it with all her eloquence, shedding abundance oftears over the sacrifice when it was made; and took horse immediately,and departed for the habitation of an eminent country physician, whomshe consulted in these words: "Pray, doctor, is it not both dangerousand cruel to be the means of letting a poor tender infant perishby sousing it in water as cold as ice?"--"Yes," replied the doctor,"downright murder, I affirm."--"I see you are a person of great learningand sagacity," said the other; "and I must beg you will be so good asto signify your opinion in your own handwriting." The doctor immediatelycomplied with her request, and expressed himself upon a slip of paper tothis purpose:--
"These are to certify whom it may concern, that I firmly believe, and it is my unalterable opinion, that who soever letteth an infant perish, by sousing it in cold water, even though the said water should not be so cold as ice, is in effect guilty of the murder of the said infant, as witness my hand, "Comfit Colocynth."
Having obtained this certificate, for which the physician was handsomelyacknowledged, she returned, exalting, and hoping, with such authority,to overthrow all opposition. Accordingly, next morning, when her nephewwas about to undergo his diurnal baptism, she produced the commission,whereby she conceived herself empowered to overrule such inhumanproceedings, but she was disappointed in her expectation, confident asit was; not that Mrs. Pickle pretended to differ in opinion from Dr.Colocynth, "for whose character and sentiments," said she, "I have suchveneration, that I shall carefully observe the caution implied in thisvery certificate, by which, far from condemning my method of practice,he only asserts that killing is murder; an asseveration, the truth ofwhich, it is to be hoped, I shall never dispute."
Mrs. Grizzle, who, sooth to say, had rather too superficially consideredthe clause by which she thought herself authorized, perused the paperwith more accuracy, and was confounded at her own want of penetration.Yet, though she was confuted, she was by no means convinced that herobjections to the cold bath were unreasonable; on the contrary, afterhaving bestowed sundry opprobrious epithets on the physician, for hiswant of knowledge and candour, she protested in the most earnest andsolemn manner the pernicious practice of dipping the child--a pieceof cruelty which, with God's assistance, she should never suffer tobe inflicted on her own issue; and washing her hands of the melancholyconsequence that would certainly ensue, shut herself up in her closetto indulge her sorrow and vexation. She was deceived, however, in herprognostic. The boy, instead of declining in point of health, seemed toacquire fresh vigour from every plunge, as if he had been resolved todiscredit the wisdom and foresight of his aunt, who in all probabilitycould never forgive him for this want of reverence and respect. Thisconjecture is founded upon her behaviour to him in the sequel of hisinfancy, during which she was known to torture him more than once, whenshe had opportunities of thrusting pins into his flesh, without anydanger of being detected. In short, her affections were in a little timealtogether alienated from this hope of her family, whom she abandoned tothe conduct of his mother, whose province it undoubtedly was to managethe nurture of her own child; while she herself resumed her operationsupon the commodore, whom she was resoled at any rate to captivate andenslave. And it must be owned that Mrs. Grizzle's knowledge of the humanheart never shone so conspicuous as in the methods she pursued for theaccomplishment of this important aim.
Through the rough unpolished hulk that cased the soul of Trunnion, shecould easily distinguish a large share of that vanity and self-conceitthat generally predominate even in the most savage beast; and to thisshe constantly appealed. In his presence she always exclaimed againstthe craft and dishonest dissimulation of the world, and never failed ofuttering particular invectives against those arts of chicanery inwhich the lawyers are so conversant, to the prejudice and ruin of theirfellow-creatures; observing that in a seafaring life, as far as shehad opportunities of judging or being informed, there was nothing butfriendship, sincerity, and a hearty contempt for everything that wasmean or selfish.
This kind of conversation, with the assistance of certain particularcivilities, insensibly made an impression on the mind of the commodore,and the more effectual as his former prepossessions were built upon veryslender foundations. His antipathy to old maids, which he had conceivedupon hearsay, began gradually to diminish when he found they were notquite such infernal animals as they had been presented; and it was notlong before he was heard to observe, at the club, that Pickle's sisterhad not so much of the core of b-- in her as he had imagined. Thisnegative compliment, by the medium of her brother, soon reached theears of Mrs. Grizzle, who, thus encouraged, redoubled in her arts andattention; so that, in less than three months after, he in the sameplace distinguished her with the epithet of a d--d sensible jade.
Hatchway, taking the alarm at this declaration, which he fearedforeboded something fatal to his interest, told his commander, with asneer, that she had sense enough to bring him to under her stern; and hedid not doubt but that such an old crazy vessel would be the better forbeing taken in tow. "But howsomever," added this arch adviser, "I'd haveyou take care of your upper-works; for if once you are made fast to herpoop, egad! She'll spank it away, and make every beam in your body crackwith straining."
Our she-projector's whole plan had like to have been ruined by theeffect which this malicious hint had upon Trunnion, whose rage andsuspicion being wakened at once, his colour changed from tawny to acadaverous pale, and then shifting to a deep and dusky red, such as wesometimes observe in the sky when it is replete with thunder, he, afterhis usual preamble of unmeaning oaths, answered in these words:--"D--you, you jury-legg'd dog, you would give all the stowage in your hold tobe as sound as I am; and as for being taken in tow, d'ye see, I'm notso disabled that I can lie my course, and perform my voyage withoutassistance; and, egad! no man shall ever see Hawser Trunnion laggingastern, in the wake of e'er a b-- in Christendom."
Mrs. Grizzle, who every morning interrogated her brother with regard tothe subject of his night's conversation with his friends, soon receivedthe unwelcome news of the commodore's aversion to matrimony; and justlyimputing the greatest part of his disgust to the satirical insinuationsof Mr. Hatchway, resolved to level this obstruction to her success, andactually found means to interest him in her scheme. She had indeed, onsome occasions, a particular knack at making converts, being probablynot unacquainted with that grand system of persuasion which is adoptedby the greatest personages of the age, and fraught with maxims muchmore effectual than all the eloquence of Tully or Demosthenes, evenwhen supported by the demonstrations of truth; besides, Mr. Hatchway'sfidelity to his new ally was confirmed by his foreseeing, in hiscaptain's marriage, an infinite fund of gratification for his owncynical disposition. Thus, therefore, converted and properly cautioned,he for the future suppressed all the virulence of his wit against thematrimonial state; and as he knew not how to open his mouth in thepositive praise of any person whatever, took all opportunities ofexcepting Mrs. Grizzle, by name, from the censures he liberally bestowedupon the rest of her sex. "She is not a drunkard, like Nan Castick,of Deptford," he would say; "not a nincompoop, like Peg Simper, ofWoolwich; not a brimstone, like Kate Koddle, of Chatham; nor a shrew,like Nell Griffin, on th
e Point, Portsmouth" (ladies to whom, atdifferent times, they had both paid their addresses); "but a tight,good-humoured, sensible wench, who knows very well how to box hercompass; well-trimmed aloft, and well-sheathed alow, with a good cargounder her hatches." The commodore at first imagined this commendationwas ironical; but, hearing it repeated again and again, was filled withastonishment at this surprising change in the lieutenant's behaviour;and, after a long fit of musing, concluded that Hatchway himselfharboured a matrimonial design on the person of Mrs. Grizzle.
Pleased with this conjecture, he rallied jack in his turn, and one nighttoasted her health as a compliment to his passion--a circumstance whichthe lady learned next day by the usual canal of her intelligence;and interpreting as the result of his own tenderness for her, shecongratulated herself on the victory she had obtained; and thinkingit unnecessary to continue the reserve she had hitherto industriouslyaffected, resolved from that day to sweeten her behaviour towards himwith such a dash of affection as could not fail to persuade him thathe had inspired her with a reciprocal flame. In consequence of thisdetermination, he was invited to dinner, and while he stayed treatedwith such cloying proofs of her regard, that not only the rest of thecompany, but even Trunnion perceived her drift; and taking the alarmaccordingly, could not help exclaiming, "Oho! I see how the land lies,and if I don't weather the point, I'll be d--d." Having thus expressedhimself to his afflicted inamorata, he made the best of his way to thegarrison, in which he shut himself up for the space of ten days, and hadno communication with his friends and domestics but by looks, which weremost significantly picturesque.
CHAPTER VII.