by T. Smollett
Divers Stratagems are invented and put in practice, in order to overcomethe obstinacy of Trunnion, who, at length, is teased and tortured intothe Noose of Wedlock.
This abrupt departure and unkind declaration affected Mrs. Grizzle somuch, that she fell sick of sorrow and mortification; and after havingconfined herself to her bed for three days, sent for her brother, toldhim she perceived her end drawing near, and desired that a lawyer mightbe brought, in order to write her last will. Mr. Pickle, surprised ather demand, began to act the part of a comforter, assuring her that herdistemper was not at all dangerous, and that he would instantly sendfor a physician, who would convince her that she was in no mannerof jeopardy; so that there was no occasion at present to employ anyofficious attorney in such a melancholy task. Indeed, this affectionatebrother was of opinion that a will was altogether superfluous at anyrate, as he himself was heir-in-law to his sister's whole real andpersonal estate. But she insisted on his compliance with such determinedobstinacy, that he could no longer resist her importunities; and, aarriving, she dictated and executed her will, in which she bequeathedto Commodore Trunnion one thousand pounds, to purchase a mourningring, which she hoped he would wear as a pledge of her friendship andaffection. Her brother, though he did not much relish this testimonyof her love, nevertheless that same evening gave an account of thisparticular to Mr. Hatchway, who was also, as Mr. Pickle assured him,generously remembered by the testatrix.
The lieutenant, fraught with this piece of intelligence, watched foran opportunity; and as soon as he perceived the commodore's featuresa little unbended from that ferocious contraction they had retained solong, ventured to inform him that Pickle's sister lay at the point ofdeath, and that she had left him a thousand pounds in her will. Thispiece of news overwhelmed him with confusion; and Mr. Hatchway, imputinghis silence to remorse, resolved to take advantage of that favourablemoment, and counselled him to go and visit the poor young woman, whowas dying for love of him. But his admonition happened to be somewhatunseasonable. Trunnion no sooner heard him mention the cause of herdisorder, than his morosity recurring, he burst out into a violent fitof cursing, and forthwith betook himself again to his hammock, where helay, uttering, in a low growling tone of voice, a repetition of oathsand imprecations, for the space of four-and-twenty hours, withoutceasing. This was a delicious meal to the lieutenant, who, eager toenhance the pleasure of the entertainment, and at the same the conduceto the success of the cause he had espoused, invented a stratagem, theexecution of which had all the effect he could desire. He prevailed onPipes, who was devoted to his service, to get on the top of the chimney,belonging to the commodore's chamber, at midnight, and lower down bya rope a bunch of stinking whitings, which being performed, he put aspeaking-trumpet to his mouth, and hallooed down the vent, in a voicelike thunder, "Trunnion! Trunnion! turn out and be spliced, or he stilland be d--."
This dreadful note, the terror of which was increased by the silence anddarkness of the night, as well as the cello of the passage through whichit was conveyed, no sooner reached the ears of the astonished commodore,than turning his eyes towards the place from whence this solemn addressseemed to proceed, he beheld a glittering object that vanished in aninstant. Just as his superstitious fear had improved the apparition intosome supernatural messenger clothed in shining array, his opinion wasconfirmed by a sudden explosion, which he took for thunder, though itwas no other than the noise of a pistol fired down the chimney by theboatswain's mate, according to the instructions he had received; and hehad time enough to descend before he was in any danger of being detectedby his commodore, who could not for an hour recollect himself from theamazement and consternation which had overpowered his faculties.
At length, however, he got up, and rang his bell with great agitation.He repeated the summons more than once; but no regard being paid to thisalarm, his dread returned with double terror, a cold sweat bedewed hislimbs, his knees knocked together, his hair bristled up, and the remainsof his teeth were shattered in pieces in the convulsive vibrations ofhis jaws.
In the midst of this agony he made one desperate effort, and, burstingopen the door of apartment, bolted into Hatchway's chamber, whichhappened to be on the same floor. There he found the lieutenant ina counterfeit swoon, who pretended to wake from his trance in anejaculation of "Lord have mercy upon us!" and being questioned by theterrified commodore with regard to what had happened, assured him he hadheard the same voice and clap of thunder by which Trunnion himself hadbeen discomposed.
Pipes, whose turn it was to watch, concurred in giving evidence to thesame purpose; and the commodore not only owned that he had heard thevoice, but likewise communicated his vision, with all the aggravationwhich his disturbed fancy suggested.
A consultation immediately ensued, in which Mr. Hatchway gravelyobserved that the finger of Heaven was plainly perceivable in thosesignals, and that it would be both sinful and foolish to disregard itscommands, especially as the match proposed was, in all respects, moreadvantageous than any that one of his years could reasonably expect;declaring that for his own part he would not endanger his soul and bodyby living one day longer under the same roof with a man who despised thewill of Heaven; and Tom Pipes adhered to the same pious resolution.
Trunnion's perseverance could not resist the number and diversityof considerations that assaulted it; he revolved in silence all theopposite motives that occurred to his reflection; and after having been,to all appearance, bewildered in the labyrinth of his own thoughts, hewiped the sweat from his forehead, and, heaving a piteous groan, yieldedto their remonstrances in these words: "Well, since it must be so, Ithink we must ev'n grapple. But d-- my eyes! 'tis a d--d hard casethat a fellow of my years should be compelled, d'ye see, to beat upto windward all the rest of my life against the current of my owninclination."
This important article being discussed, Mr. Hatchway set out in themorning to visit the despairing shepherdess, and was handsomely rewardedfor the enlivening tidings with which he blessed her ears. Sick asshe was, she could not help laughing heartily at the contrivance, inconsequence of which her swain's assent had been obtained, and gave thelieutenant ten guineas for Tom Pipes, in consideration of the part heacted in the farce.
In the afternoon the commodore suffered himself to be conveyed to herapartment, like a felon to execution, and was received by her ina languishing manner, and genteel dishabille, accompanied by hersister-in-law, who was, for very obvious reasons, extremely solicitousabout her success. Though the lieutenant had tutored him touching hisbehaviour it this interview, he made a thousand wry faces before hecould pronounce the simple salutation of "How d'ye?" to his mistress;and after his counsellor had urged him with twenty or thirty whispers,to each of which he had replied aloud, "D-- your eyes, I won't," he gotup, and halting towards the couch on which Mrs. Grizzle reclined in astate of strange expectation, he seized her hand and pressed it to hislips; but this piece of gallantry he performed in such a reluctant,uncouth, indignant manner, that the nymph had need of all her resolutionto endure the compliment without shrinking; and he himself was sodisconcerted at what he had done, that he instantly retired to theother end of the room, where he sat silent, and broiled with shame andvexation.
Mrs. Pickle, like a sensible matron, quitted the place, on pretence ofgoing to the nursery; and Mr. Hatchway, taking the hint, recollectedthat he had left his tobacco-pouch in the parlour, whither he descended,leaving the two lovers to their mutual endearments. Never had thecommodore found himself in such a disagreeable dilemma before. He sat inan agony of suspense, as if he every moment dreaded the dissolution ofnature; and the imploring sighs of his future bride added, if possible,to the pangs of his distress. Impatient of this situation, he rolledhis eye around in quest of some relief, and, unable to contain himself,exclaimed, "D--n seize the fellow and his pouch too! I believe he hassheered off, and left me here in the stays."
Mrs. Grizzle, who could not help taking some notice of thismanifestation of chagrin, lamented her unhappy fate in
being sodisagreeable to him, that he could not put up with her company for a fewmoments without repining; and began in very tender terms to reproach himwith his inhumanity and indifference. To this expostulation he replied,"Zounds! what would the woman have? Let the parson do his office when hewool: here I am ready to be reeved in the matrimonial block, d'ye see,and d-- all nonsensical palaver." So saying, he retreated, leaving hismistress not at all disobliged at his plain dealing. That same eveningthe treaty of marriage was brought upon the carpet, and, by means of Mr.Pickle and the lieutenant, settled to the satisfaction of all parties,without the intervention of lawyers, whom Mr. Trunnion expresslyexcluded from all share in the business; making that condition theindispensable preliminary of the whole agreement. Things being broughtto this bearing, Mrs. Grizzle's heart dilated with joy; her health,which, by the bye, was never dangerously impaired, she recovered as ifby enchantment; and, a day being fixed for the nuptials, employed theshort period of her celibacy in choosing ornaments for the celebrationof her entrance into the married state.
CHAPTER VIII.