by T. Smollett
Preparations are made for the Commodore's Wedding, which is delayed byan Accident that hurried him the Lord knows whither.
The fame of this extraordinary conjunction spread all over the county;and, on the day appointed for their spousals, the church was surroundedby an inconceivable multitude. The commodore, to give a specimen of hisgallantry, by the advice of his friend Hatchway, resolved to appear onhorseback on the grand occasion, at the head of all his male attendants,whom he had rigged with the white shirts and black caps formerlybelonging to his barge's crew; and he bought a couple of hunters for theaccommodation of himself and his lieutenant. With this equipage, then,he set out from the garrison for the church, after having despatched amessenger to apprise the bride that he and his company were mounted. Shegot immediately into the coach, accompanied by her brother and his wife,and drove directly to the place of assignation, where several pews weredemolished, and divers persons almost pressed to death, by the eagernessof the crowd that broke in to see the ceremony performed. Thus arrivedat the altar, and the priest in attendance, they waited a wholehalf-hour for the commodore, at whose slowness they began to be undersome apprehension, and accordingly dismissed a servant to quicken hispace. The valet having ridden something more than a mile, espied thewhole troop disposed in a long field, crossing the road obliquely, andheaded by the bridegroom and his friend Hatchway, who, finding himselfhindered by a hedge from proceeding farther in the same direction, fireda pistol, and stood over to the other side, making an obtuse angle withthe line of his former course; and the rest of the squadron followed hisexample, keeping always in the rear of each other, like a flight of wildgeese.
Surprised at this strange method of journeying, the messenger came up,and told the commodore that his lady and her company expected him in thechurch, where they had tarried a considerable time, and were beginningto be very uneasy at his delay, and therefore desired he would proceedwith more expedition. To this message Mr. Trunnion replied, "Hark ye,brother, don't you see we make all possible speed? go back, and tellthose who sent you, that the wind has shifted since we weighed anchor,and that we are obliged to make very short trips in tacking, by reasonof the narrowness of the channel; and that as we be within six pointsof the wind, they must make some allowance for variation andleeway."--"Lord, sir!" said the valet, "what occasion have you to gozig-zag in that manner? Do but clap spurs to your horses, and ridestraight forward, and I'll engage yea shall be at the church-porchin less than a quarter of an hour."-"What? right in the wind's eye?"answered the commodore; "ahey! brother, where did you learn yournavigation? Hawser Trunnion is not to be taught at this time of day howto lie his course, or keep his own reckoning. And as for you, brother,you best know the trim of your own frigate."
The courier, finding he had to do with people who would not be easilypersuaded out of their own opinions, returned to the temple, and made areport of what he had seen and heard, to the no small consolation ofthe bride, who had begun to discover some signs of disquiet. Composed,however, by this piece of intelligence, she exerted her patience for thespace of another half-hour, during which period, seeing no bridegroomarrive, she was exceedingly alarmed; so that all the spectators couldeasily perceive her perturbation, which manifested itself in frequentpalpitations, heart-heavings, and alterations of countenance, in spiteof the assistance of a smelling-bottle which she incessantly applied toher nostrils.
Various were the conjectures of the company on this occasion: someimagined he had mistaken the place of rendezvous, as he had never beenat church since he first settled in that parish; others believed hehad met with some accident, in consequence of which his attendants hadcarried him back to his own house; and a third set, in which the brideherself was thought to be comprehended, could not help suspectingthat the commodore had changed his mind. But all these suppositions,ingenious as they were, happened to be wide of the true cause thatdetained him, which was no other than this: the commodore and his crewhad, by dint of turning, almost weathered the parson's house that stoodto windward of the church, when the notes of a pack of hounds unluckilyreached the ears of the two hunters which Trunnion and the lieutenantbestrode. These fleet animals no sooner heard the enlivening sound,than, eager for the chase, they sprang away all of a sudden, andstrained every nerve to partake of the sport, flew across the fieldswith incredible speed, overleaped hedges and ditches, and everythingin their way, without the least regard to their unfortunate riders. Thelieutenant, whose steed had got the heels of the other, finding it wouldbe great folly and presumption in him to pretend to keep the saddle withhis wooden leg, very wisely took the opportunity of throwing himself offin his passage through a field of rich clover, among which he lay at hisease; and seeing his captain advancing, at full gallop, hailed him withthe salutation of "What cheer? Ho!" The commodore, who was in infinitedistress, eyeing him askance as he passed, replied, with a falteringvoice, "O, d-- ye!--you are safe at an anchor. I wish to God I were asfast moored."
Nevertheless, conscious of his disabled heel, he would not ventureto try the experiment which had succeeded so well with Hatchway butresolved to stick as close as possible to his horse's back, untilProvidence should interpose in his behalf. With this view he dropped hiswhip, and with his right hand laid fast hold on the pommel, contractingevery muscle in his body to secure himself in the seat, and grinningmost formidably in consequence of this exertion. In this attitude hewas hurried on a considerable way, when all of a sudden his view wascomforted by a five-bar gate that appeared before him, as he neverdoubted that there the career of his hunter must necessarily end.But, alas! he reckoned without his host. Far from halting at thisobstruction, the horse sprang over it with amazing agility, to the utterconfusion and disorder of his owner, who lost his hat and periwig inthe leap, and now began to think, in good earnest, that he was actuallymounted on the back of the devil. He recommended himself to God; hisreflections forsook him; his eyesight and all his other senses failed;he quitted the reins, and fastening by instinct on the mane, was in thiscondition conveyed into the midst of the sportsmen, who were astonishedat the sight of such an apparition. Neither was their surprise to bewondered at, if we reflect on the figure that presented itself to theirview. The commodore's person was at all times an object of admiration;much more so on this occasion, when every singularity was aggravated bythe circumstances of his dress and disaster.
He had put on, in honour of his nuptials, his best coat of bluebroad-cloth, cut by a tailor of Ramsgate, and trimmed with five dozenof brass buttons large and small; his breeches were of the same piece,fastened at the knees with large bunches of tape; his waistcoat was ofred plush lappelled with green velvet, and garnished with vellum holes;his boots bore an infinite resemblance, both in colour and shape, to apair of leather buckets; his shoulder was graced with a broad buff belt,from whence depended a huge hanger with a hilt like that of a backsword;and on each side of his pommel appeared a rusty pistol rammed in a casecovered with a bearskin. The loss of his tie-periwig and laced hat,which were curiosities of the kind, did not at all contribute to theimprovement of the picture, but, on the contrary, by exhibiting hisbald pate, and the natural extension of his lantern jaws, added to thepeculiarity and extravagance of the whole.
Such a spectacle could not have failed of diverting the whole companyfrom the chase had his horse thought proper to pursue a different route;but the beast was too keen a sporter to choose any other way than thatwhich the stag followed and therefore, without stopping to gratifythe curiosity of the spectators, he in a few minutes outstripped everyhunter in the field. There being a deep hollow betwixt him and thehounds, rather than ride round, about the length of a furlong, in apath that crossed the lane, he transported himself at one jump, to theunspeakable astonishment and terror of a waggoner who chanced to beunderneath, and saw this phenomenon fly over his carriage. This was notthe only adventure he achieved. The stag, having taken a deep riverthat lay in his way, every man directed his course to a bridge inthe neighbourhood; but our bridegroom's courser, desp
ising all suchconveniences, plunged into the stream without hesitation, and swam in atwinkling to the opposite shore. This sudden immersion into an elementof which Trunnion was properly a native, in all probability helped torecruit the exhausted spirits of his rider, at his landing on the otherside gave some tokens of sensation, by hallooing aloud for assistance,which he could not possibly receive, because his horse still maintainedthe advantage he had gained, and would not allow himself to beovertaken.
In short, after a long chase that lasted several hours, and extended toa dozen miles at least, he was the first in at the death of the deer,being seconded by the lieutenant's gelding, which, actuated by the samespirit, had, without a rider, followed his companion's example.
Our bridegroom, finding himself at last brought up, or, in other words,at the end of his career, took the opportunity of this first pause, todesire the huntsmen would lend him a hand in dismounting; and by theircondescension, safely placed on the grass, where he sat staring atthe company as they came in, with such wildness of astonishment in hislooks, as if he had been a creature of another species, dropped amongthem from the clouds.
Before they had fleshed the hounds, however, he recollected himself;and, seeing one of the sportsmen take a small flask out of his pocketand apply it to his mouth, judged the cordial to be no other than neatCognac, which it really was; and expressing a desire of participation,was immediately accommodated with a moderate dose, which perfectlycompleted his recovery.
By this time he and his two horses had engrossed the attention of thewhole crowd: while some admired the elegant proportion and uncommonspirit of the two animals, the rest contemplated the surprisingappearance of their master, whom before they had only seen en passant;and at length, one of the gentlemen, accosting him very courteously,signified his wonder at seeing him in such an equipage, and asked ifhe had not dropped his companion by the way. "Why look ye, brother,"replied the commodore, "mayhap you think me an odd sort of a fellow,seeing me in this trim, especially as I have lost part of my rigging;but this here is the case, d'ye see: I weighed anchor from my own housethis morning, at ten A.M. with fair weather, and a favourable breezeat south-south-east, being bound to the next church on the voyage ofmatrimony: but howsomever, we had not run down a quarter of a league,when the wind shifting, blowed directly in our teeth; so that we wereforced to tack all the way, d'ye see, and had almost been up withinsight of the port, when these sons-of-b--s of horses, which I hadbought but two days before (for my own part, I believe they are devilsincarnate), luffed round in a trice, and then, refusing the helm, droveaway like lightning with me and my lieutenant, who soon came to anchorin an exceeding good berth. As for my own part, I have been carried overrocks, and quicksands; among which I have pitched away a special goodtie-periwig, and an iron-bound hat; and at last, thank God! am got intosmooth water and safe riding; but if ever I venture my carcass upon sucha hare'um scare'um blood-of-a-b-- again, my name is not Hawser Trunnion,d-- my eyes!"
One of the company, struck with this name, which lie had often heard,immediately laid hold on his declaration at the close of this singularaccount, and, observing that his horses were very vicious, asked how heintended to return. "As for that matter," replied Mr. Trunnion, "I amresolved to hire a sledge or waggon, or such a thing as a jackass; forI'll be d--d if ever I cross the back of a horse again."--"And what doyou propose to do with these creatures?" said the other, pointing to thehunters; "they seem to have some mettle; but then they are mere colts,and will take the devil-and-all of breaking: methinks this hinder one isshoulder-slipped."--"D-- them," cried the commodore, "I wish both theirnecks were broke, thof the two cost me forty good yellow-boys.".-"Fortyguineas!" exclaimed the stranger, who was a squire and a jockey, as wellas owner of the pack, "Lord! Lord! how a man may be imposed upon!Why, these cattle are clumsy enough to go to plough; mind what a flatcounter; do but observe how sharp this here one is in the withers;then he's fired in the further fetlock." In short, this connoisseurin horse-flesh, having discovered in them all the defects which canpossibly be found in this species of animal, offered to give him tenguineas for the two, saying he would convert them into beasts of burden.The owner, who, after what had happened, was very well disposed tolisten to anything that was said to their prejudice, implicitly believedthe truth of the stranger's asseverations, discharged a furious volleyof oaths against the rascal who had taken him in, and forthwith strucka bargain with the squire, who paid him instantly for his purchase; inconsequence of which he won the plate at the next Canterbury races.
This affair being transacted to the mutual satisfaction of both parties,as well as to the general entertainment of the company, who laughed intheir sleeves at the dexterity of their friend, Trunnion was set uponthe squire's own horse, and led by his servant in the midst of thiscavalcade, which proceeded to a neighbouring village, where they hadbespoke dinner, and where our bridegroom found means to provide himselfwith another hat and wig. With regard to his marriage, he bore hisdisappointment with the temper of a philosopher; and the exercise he hadundergone having quickened his appetite, sat down at table in the midstof his new acquaintance, making a very hearty meal, and moisteningevery morsel with a draught of the ale, which he found very much to hissatisfaction.
CHAPTER IX.