The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  The French Coquette entraps the Heart of the Jew, against whom Palletenters into a Conspiracy, by which Peregrine is again disappointed, andthe Hebrew's Incontinence exposed.

  Meanwhile the French siren, balked in her design upon her Englishcully, who was so easily disheartened, and hung his ears in manifestdespondence, rather than rather than run the risk of making a voyagethat should be altogether unprofitable, resolved to practise her charmsupon the Dutch merchant. She had already made such innovation upon hisheart, that he cultivated her with peculiar complacency, gazed upon herwith a most libidinous stare, and unbended his aspect into a grinthat was truly Israelitish. The painter saw and was offended at thiscorrespondence, which he considered as an insult upon his misfortune,as well as an evident preference of his rival; and, conscious of his owntimidity, swallowed an extraordinary glass, that his invention might bestimulated, and his resolution raised to the contrivance and executionof some scheme of revenge. The wine failed in the expected effect, and,without inspiring him with the plan, served only to quicken hisdesire of vengeance; so that he communicated his purpose to his friendPeregrine, and begged his assistance; but our young gentleman was toointent upon his own affair to mind the concerns of any other person; andhe declining to be engaged in the project, Pallet had recourse tothe genius of Pickle's valet-de-chambre, who readily embarked in theundertaking, and invented a plan, which was executed accordingly.

  The evening being pretty far advanced, and the company separated intotheir respective apartments, Pickle repaired, in all the impatience ofyouth and desire, to the chamber of his charmer, and, finding the doorunbolted, entered in a transport of joy. By the light of the room,which shone through the window, he was conducted to her bed, which heapproached in the utmost agitation; and perceiving her to all appearanceasleep, essayed to wake her with a gentle kiss; but this method provedineffectual, because she was determined to save herself the confusion ofbeing an accomplice in his guilt. He repeated the application, murmureda most passionate salutation in her ear, and took such other gentlemethods of signifying his presence, as persuaded him that she wasresolved to sleep, in spite of all his endeavours. Flushed with thissupposition, he locked the door, in order to prevent interruption; and,stealing himself under the clothes, set fortune at defiance, while heheld the fair creature circled in his arms.

  Nevertheless, near as he seemed to be to the happy accomplishment of hisdesire, his hope was again frustrated with a fearful noise, which in amoment awaked his Amanda in a fright, and for the present engaged allhis attention. His valet-de-chambre, whom Pallet had consulted as aconfederate in his revenge against the lady of pleasure and her gallant,had hired of certain Bohemians, who chanced to lodge at the inn, ajackass adorned with bells, which, when everybody was retired torest, and the Hebrew supposed to be bedded with his mistress, they ledupstairs into a long thoroughfare, from which the chambers were detachedon each side. The painter, perceiving the lady's door ajar, accordingto his expectation, mounted this animal, with intention to ride into theroom, and disturb the lovers in the midst of their mutual endearments;but the ass, true to its kind, finding himself bestrid by an unknownrider, instead of advancing in obedience to his conductor, retreatedbackward to the other end of the passage, in spite of all the efforts ofthe painter, who spurred, and kicked, and pummeled to no purpose. It wasthe noise of this contention between Pallet and the ass which invadedthe ears of Peregrine and his mistress, neither of whom could form theleast rational conjecture about the cause of such strange disturbance,which increased as the animal approached their apartment. At lengththe bourrique's retrograde motion was obstructed by the door, whichit forced open in a twinkling, with one kick, and entered with suchcomplication of sound as terrified the lady almost into a fit, and threwher lover into the utmost perplexity and confusion.

  The painter, finding himself thus violently intruded into thebed-chamber of he knew not whom, and dreading the resentment of thepossessor, who might discharge a pistol at him as a robber who hadbroken into his apartment, was overwhelmed with consternation, andredoubled his exertion to accomplish a speedy retreat, sweating all thetime with fear, and putting up petition to Heaven for his safety;but his obstinate companion, regardless of his situation, instead ofsubmitting to his conduct, began to turn round like a millstone, theunited sound of his feet and bells producing a most surprising concert.The unfortunate rider, whirling about in this manner, would have quittedhis seat, and left the beast to his own amusement, but the rotation wasso rapid, that the terror of a severe fall hindered him from attemptingto dismount; and, in the desperation of his heart, he seized one of hisears, which he pinched so unmercifully, that the creature set up histhroat, and brayed aloud.

  This hideous exclamation was no sooner heard by the fair Fleming,already chilled with panic, and prepared with superstition, than,believing herself visited by the devil, who was permitted to punish herfor her infidelity to the marriage-bed, she uttered a scream, and beganto repeat her pater noster with a loud voice. Her lover, finding himselfunder the necessity of retiring, started up, and, stung with the mostviolent pangs of rage and disappointment, ran directly to the spot fromwhence this diabolical noise seemed to proceed. There encountering theass he discharged such a volley of blows at him and his rider, that thecreature carried him off at a round trot, and they roared in unison allthe way. Having thus cleared the room of such disagreeable company,he went back to his mistress, and assuring her that this was only somefoolish prank of Pallet, took his leave, with a promise of returningafter the quiet of the inn should be re-established.

  In the mean time, the noise of the bourrique, the cries of the painter,and the lady's scream, had alarmed the whole house; and the ass, in theprecipitation of his retreat, seeing people with lights before him, tookshelter in the apartment for which he was at first designed, just asthe Levite, aroused at the uproar, had quitted his dulcinea, and wasattempting to recover his own chamber unperceived. Seeing himselfopposed by such an animal, mounted by a tall, meagre, lantern-jawedfigure, half naked, with a white nightcap upon his head which added tothe natural paleness of his complexion,--the Jew was sorely troubled inmind and believing it to be an apparition of Balaam and his ass, flewbackward with a nimble pace, and crept under the bed, where he lay,concealed. Mr. Jolter and the priest, who were the foremost of thosewho had been aroused by the noise, were not unmoved when they saw such aspectacle rushing into the chamber, whence the lady of pleasure beganto shriek. The governor made a full halt, and the Capuchin discovered noinclination to proceed. They were, however, by the pressure of the crowdthat followed them, thrust forward to the door, through which thevision entered; and there Jolter, with great ceremony, complimented hisreverence with the pas, beseeching him to walk in. The mendicant wastoo courteous and humble to accept this pre-eminence, and a very earnestdispute ensued; during which, the ass, in the course of his circuit,showed himself and rider, and in a trice decided the contest; for,struck with this second glimpse, both at one instant sprang backwardwith such force, as overturned their next men, who communicated theimpulse to those that stood behind them, and these again to others; sothat the whole passage was strewed with a long file of people, that layin a line, like the sequel and dependence of a pack of cards.

  In the midst of this havoc, our hero returned from his own room withan air of astonishment, asking the cause of this uproar. Receiving suchhints of intelligence as Jolter's consternation would permit him togive, he snatched the candle out of his hand, and advanced into thehaunted chamber without hesitation, being followed by all present, whobroke forth into a long and loud peal of laughter, when they perceivedthe ludicrous source of their disquiet. The painter himself made aneffort to join their mirth; but he had been so harrowed by fear, andsmarted so much with the pain of the discipline he had received fromPickle, that he could not, with all his endeavours, vanquish theruefulness of his countenance. His attempt served only to increasethe awkwardness of his situation, which was not at all mended by thebehaviour of the coquette, who
, furious with her disappointment, slippedon a petticoat and bedgown, and springing upon him, like mother Hecuba,with her nails deprived all one side of his nose of the skin; and wouldnot have left him an eye to see through, if some of the company had notrescued him from her unmerciful talons. Provoked at this outrage, aswell as by her behaviour to him in the diligence, he publicly explainedhis intention in entering her chamber in this equipage; and missing theHebrew among the spectators, assured them that he must have abscondedsomewhere in the apartment. In pursuance of this intimation, the roomwas immediately searched, and the mortified Levite pulled up by theheels from his lurking-place; so that Pallet had the good fortune, atlast, to transfer the laugh from himself to his rival and the Frenchinamorata, who accordingly underwent the ridicule of the whole audience.

  CHAPTER LVII.