The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  Pallet endeavouring to unravel the Mystery of the Treatment he hadreceived, falls out of the Frying-pan into the Fire.

  Nevertheless, Pallet was still confounded and chagrined by oneconsideration, which was no other than that of his having been soroughly handled in the chamber, belonging, as he found upon inquiry,to the handsome young lady who was under the Capuchin's direction. Herecollected that the door was fast locked when his beast burst it open,and he had no reason to believe that any person followed him in hisinruption: on the other hand, he could not imagine that such a gentlecreature would either attempt to commit, or be able to execute, sucha desperate assault as that which his body had sustained; and herdemeanour was so modest and circumspect, that he durst not harbour theleast suspicion of her virtue. These reflections bewildered him in thelabyrinth of thought: he rummaged his whole imagination, endeavouringto account for what had happened. At length, he concluded, that eitherPeregrine, or the devil, or both must have been at the bottom of thewhole affair, and determined, for the satisfaction of his curiosity,to watch our hero's motions, during the remaining part of the night, sonarrowly, that his conduct, mysterious as it was, should not be able toelude his penetration.

  With these sentiments he retired to his own room, after the ass had beenrestored to the right owners, and the priest had visited and comfortedhis fair ward, who had been almost distracted with fear. Silence nosooner prevailed again, than he crawled darkling towards her door, andhuddled himself up in an obscure corner, from whence he might observethe ingress or egress of any human creature. He had not long remainedin this posture, when, fatigued with this adventure and that of thepreceding night, his faculties were gradually overpowered with slumber;and, falling fast asleep, he began to snore like a whole congregation ofPresbyterians. The Flemish beauty, hearing this discordant noise in thepassage, began to be afraid of some new alarm, and very prudently boltedher door; so that when her lover wanted to repeat his visit he was notonly surprised and incensed at this disagreeable serenade, the author ofwhich he did not know; but when compelled by his passion, which wasby this time wound to the highest pitch, he ventured to approach theentrance, he had the extreme mortification to find himself shut out. Hedurst not knock or signify his presence in any other manner, on accountof the lady's reputation, which would have greatly suffered had thesnorer been waked by his endeavours. Had he known that the personwho thus thwarted his views was the painter, he would have taken someeffectual step to remove him; but he could not conceive what shouldinduce Pallet to take up his residence in that corner; nor could he usethe assistance of a light, to distinguish him, because there was not acandle burning in the house.

  It is impossible to describe the rage and vexation of our hero, while hecontinued thus tantalized upon the brink of bliss, after his desire hadbeen exasperated by the circumstances of his former disappointments. Heejaculated a thousand execrations against his own fortune, cursed allhis fellow-travellers without exception, vowed revenge against thepainter, who had twice confounded his most interesting scheme, and wastempted to execute immediate vengeance upon the unknown cause of hispresent miscarriage. In this agony of distraction did he sweat twowhole hours in the passage, though not without some faint hope of beingdelivered from his tormentor, who, he imagined, upon waking, wouldundoubtedly shift his quarters, and leave the field free to his designs;but when he heard the cock repeat his salutation to the morn, whichbegan to open on the rear of night, he could no longer restrain hisindignation. Going to his own chamber, he filled a basin with coldwater, and, standing at some distance, discharged it full in the faceof the gaping snorer, who, over and above the surprise occasioned by theapplication, was almost suffocated by the liquor that entered hismouth, and ran down into his windpipe. While he gasped like a personhalf-drowned, without knowing the nature of his disaster, or rememberingthe situation in which he fell asleep, Peregrine retired to his owndoor, and, to his no small astonishment, from a long howl that invadedhis ears, learned that the patient was no other than Pallet, who hadnow, for the third time, balked his good fortune.

  Enraged at the complicated trespasses of this unfortunate offender,he rushed from his apartment with a horsewhip, and, encountering thepainter in his flight, overturned him in the passage. There he exercisedthe instrument of his wrath with great severity on pretence of mistakinghim for some presumptuous cur, which had disturbed the repose of theinn: nay, when he called aloud for mercy in a supplicating tone, and hischastiser could no longer pretend to treat him as a quadruped, such wasthe virulence of the young gentleman's indignation, that he couldnot help declaring his satisfaction, by telling Pallet he had richlydeserved the punishment he had undergone, for his madness, folly, andimpertinence, in contriving and executing such idle schemes, as had noother tendency than that of plaguing his neighbours.

  Pallet protested, with great vehemence, that he was innocent as thechild unborn of an intention to give umbrage to any person whatever,except the Israelite and his doxy, who he knew had incurred hisdispleasure. "But as God is my Saviour," said he, "I believe I ampersecuted with witchcraft, and begin to think that d--d priest isan agent of the devil; for he has been but two nights in our company,during which I have not closed an eye; but, on the contrary, have beentormented by all the fiends of hell." Pickle peevishly replied, that historments had been occasioned by his own foolish imagination; and askedhow he came to howl in that corner. The painter, who did not thinkproper to own the truth, said, that he had been transported thither bysome preternatural conveyance, and soused in water by an invisible hand.The youth, in hope of profiting by his absence, advised him to retireimmediately to his bed, and by sleep strive to comfort his brain, whichseemed to be not a little disordered by the want of that refreshment.Pallet himself began to be very much of the same way of thinking; and,in compliance with such wholesome counsel, betook himself to rest,muttering prayers all the way for the recovery of his own understanding.

  Pickle attended him to his chamber, and, locking him up, put the key inhis own pocket, that he might not have it in his power to interrupt himagain; but in his return he was met by Mr. Jolter and the doctor, whohad been a second time alarmed by the painter's cries, and came toinquire about this new adventure. Half-frantic with such a series ofdisappointments, he cursed them in his heart for their unseasonableappearance. When they questioned him about Pallet, he told them he hadfound him stark staring mad, howling in a corner, and wet to the skin,and conducted him to his room, where he was now abed. The physician,hearing this circumstance, made a merit of his vanity; and, underpretence of concern for the patient's welfare, desired he might have anopportunity of examining the symptoms of his disorder, without loss oftime; alleging that many diseases might have been stifled in the birth,which afterwards baffled all the endeavours of the medical art. Theyoung gentleman accordingly delivered the key, and once more withdrewinto his own chamber, with a view of seizing the first occasion thatshould present itself of renewing his application to his Amanda'sdoor; while the doctor, in his way to Pellet's apartment, hinted to thegovernor his suspicion that the patient laboured under that dreadfulsymptom called the hydrophobia, which he observed had sometimes appearedin persons who were not previously bit by a mad dog. This conjecturehe founded upon the howl he uttered when he was soused with water, andbegan to recollect certain circumstances of the painter's behaviour forsome days past, which now he could plainly perceive had prognosticatedsome such calamity. He then ascribed the distemper to the violentfrights he had lately undergone, affirming that the affair of theBastille had made such a violent encroachment upon his understanding,that his manner of thinking and speaking was entirely altered. By atheory of his own invention, he explained the effects of fear upon aloose system of nerves, and demonstrated the modus in which the animalspirits operate upon the ideas and power of imagination.

  This disquisition, which was communicated at the painter's door, mighthave lasted till breakfast, had not Jolter reminded him of his ownmaxim, Venienti occurrite morbo; upon which he put
the key to immediateuse, and they walked softly towards the bed, where the patient layextended at full length in the arms of sleep. The physician tooknotice of his breathing hard, and his mouth being open; and fromthese diagnostics declared, that the liquidum nervosum was intimatelyaffected, and the saliva impregnated with the spiculated particlesof the virus, howsoever contracted. This sentence was still fartherconfirmed by the state of his pulse, which, being full and slow,indicated an oppressed circulation, from a loss of elasticity in thepropelling arteries. He proposed that he should immediately suffer asecond aspersion of water, which would not only contribute to the cure,but also certify them, beyond all possibility of doubt, with regard tothe state of the disease; for it would evidently appear, from the mannerin which he would bear the application, whether or not his horror ofwater amounted to a confirmed hydrophobia. Mr. Jolter, in compliancewith his proposal, began to empty a bottle of water, which he foundin the room in a basin; when he was interrupted by the prescriber,who advised him to use the contents of the chamberpot, which, beingimpregnated with salt, would operate more effectually than pure element.Thus directed, the governor lifted up the vessel, which was replete withmedicine, and with one turn of his hand, discharged the whole healinginundation upon the ill-omened patient, who, waking in the utmostdistraction of horror, yelled most hideously, just at the time whenPeregrine had brought his mistress to a parley, and entertained hopes ofbeing admitted into her chamber.

  Terrified at this exclamation, she instantly broke off the treaty,beseeching him to retire from the door, that her honour might receiveno injury from his being found in that place; and he had just enoughof recollection left to see the necessity of obeying the order; inconformity to which he retreated well nigh deprived of his senses, andalmost persuaded that so many unaccountable disappointments must haveproceeded from some supernatural cause, of which the idiot Pallet was nomore than the involuntary instrument.

  Meanwhile, the doctor having ascertained the malady of the patient,whose cries, interrupted by frequent sobs and sighs, he interpreted intothe barking of a dog, and having no more salt-water at hand, resolved torenew the bath with such materials as chance would afford. He actuallylaid hold of the bottle and basin; but by this time the painter hadrecovered the use of his senses so well as to perceive his drift,and, starting up like a frantic bedlamite, ran directly to his sword,swearing, with many horrid imprecations, that he would murder them bothimmediately, if he should be hanged before dinner, They did not chooseto wait the issue of his threat, but retired with such precipitationthat the physician had almost dislocated his shoulder by running againstone side of the entry. Jolter, having pulled the door after him andturned the key, betook himself to flight, roaring aloud for assistance.His colleague, seeing the door secured, valued himself upon hisresolution, and exhorted him to return; declaring that, for his ownpart, he was more afraid of the madman's teeth than of his weapon, andadmonishing the governor to re-enter and execute what they had leftundone. "Go in," said he, "without fear or apprehension; and if anyaccident shall happen to you, either from his slaver or his sword,I will assist you with my advice, which from this station I can morecoolly and distinctly administer, than I should be able to supply if myideas were disturbed, or my attention engaged in any personal concern."Jolter, who could make no objection to the justness of the conclusion,frankly owned that he had no inclination to try the experiment;observing, that self-preservation was the first law of nature; that hisconnections with the unhappy lunatic were but slight; and that it couldnot be reasonably expected that he would run such risks for his serviceas were declined by one who had set out with him from England on thefooting of a companion. This insinuation introduced a dispute uponthe nature of benevolence, and the moral sense, which, the republicanargued, existed independent of any private consideration, and couldnever be affected by any contingent circumstance of time and fortune;while the other, who abhorred his principles, asserted the duties andexcellence of private friendship with infinite rancour of altercation.

  During the hottest of the argument, they were joined by the Capuchin,who being astonished to see them thus virulently engaged at the door,and to hear the painter bellowing within the chamber, conjured them, inthe name of God, to tell him the cause of that confusion which had keptthe whole house in continual alarm during the best part of the night,and seemed to be the immediate work of the devil and his angels. Whenthe governor gave him to understand that Pallet was visited with an evilspirit, he muttered a prayer of St. Antonio de Padua, and undertookto cure the painter, provided he could be secured so as that he might,without danger to himself, burn part of a certain relic under his nose,which he assured them was equal to the miraculous power of Eleazar'sring. They expressed great curiosity to know what this treasure was; andthe priest was prevailed upon to tell them in confidence, that it wasa collection of the parings of the nails belonging to those two madmen,whom Jesus purged of the legion of devils that afterwards enteredthe swine. So saying, he pulled from one of his pockets a small box,containing about an ounce of the parings of a horse's hoof; at sight ofwhich the governor could not help smiling, on account of the grossnessof the imposition. The doctor asked, with a supercilious smile, whetherthose maniacs whom Jesus cured were of the sorrel complexion, ordapple-gray; for, from the texture of these parings, he could prove thatthe original owners were of the quadruped order, and even distinguishthat their feet had been fortified with shoes of iron.

  The mendicant, who bore an inveterate grudge against this son ofEsculapius ever since he had made so free with the Catholic religion,replied, with great bitterness, that he was a wretch with whom noChristian ought to communicate; that the vengeance of Heaven would oneday overtake him, on account of his profanity; and that his heart wasshod with a metal much harder than iron, which nothing but hell firewould be able to melt.

  It was now broad day, and all the servants of the inn were afoot.Peregrine, seeing it would be impossible to obtain any sort ofindemnification for the time he had lost, and the perturbation ofhis spirits hindering him from enjoying repose, which was moreoverobstructed by the noise of Pallet and his attendants, put on his clothesat once, and, in exceeding ill-humour, arrived at the spot where thistriumvirate stood debating about the means of overpowering the furiouspainter, who still continued his song of oaths and execrations, and madesundry efforts to break open the door. Chagrined as our hero was, hecould not help laughing when he heard how the patient had been treated;and his indignation changing into compassion, he called to him throughthe keyhole, desiring to know the reason of his distracted behaviour.Pallet no sooner recognized his voice than, lowering his own to awhimpering tone, "My dear friend!" said he, "I have at last detected theruffians who have persecuted me so much. I caught them in the fact ofsuffocating me with cold water; and by the Lord, I will be revenged, ormay I never live to finish my Cleopatra. For the love of God! open thedoor, and I will make that conceited pagan, that pretender totaste, that false devotee of the ancients, who poisons people withsillykicabies and devil's dung--I say, I will make him a monument of mywrath, and an example to all the cheats and impostors of the faculty;and as for that thick-headed insolent pedant, his confederate, whoemptied my own jordan upon me while I slept, he had better have been inhis beloved Paris, botching schemes for his friend the Pretender, thanincur the effects of my resentment. Gadsbodikins! I won't leave him awindpipe for the hangman to stop, at the end of another rebellion."

  Pickle told him his conduct had been so extravagant as to confirm thewhole company in the belief that he was actually deprived of his senses:on which supposition, Mr. Jolter and the doctor had acted the partof friends, in doing that which they thought most conducive to hisrecovery: so that their concern merited his thankful acknowledgment,instead of his frantic menaces: that, for his own part, he would be thefirst to condemn him, as one utterly bereft of his wits, and give ordersfor his being secured as a madman, unless he would immediately give aproof of his sanity by laying aside his sword, composing his spirits,and th
anking his injured friends for their care of his person.

  This alternative quieted his transports in a moment: he was terrified atthe apprehension of being treated like a bedlamite, being dubious ofthe state of his own brain; and, on the other hand, had conceived sucha horror and antipathy for his tormentors, that, far from believinghimself obliged by what they had done, he could not even think of themwithout the utmost rage and detestation. He, therefore, in the mosttranquil voice he could assume, protested that he never was less outof his senses than at present, though he did not know how long he mightretain them, if he should be considered in the light of a lunatic: that,in order to prove his being Compos mentis, he was willing to sacrificethe resentment he so justly harboured against those who, by theirmalice, had brought him to this pass; but, as he apprehended it wouldbe the greatest sign of madness he could exhibit to thank them forthe mischiefs they had brought upon him, he desired to be excused frommaking any such concession; and swore he would endure everything ratherthan be guilty of such mean absurdity.

  Peregrine held a consultation upon this reply, when the governor andphysician strenuously argued against any capitulation with a maniac, andproposed that some method might be taken to seize, fetter, and conveyhim into a dark room, where he might be treated according to the rulesof art; but the Capuchin, understanding the circumstances of the case,undertook to restore him to his former state, without having recourse tosuch violent measures. Pickle, who was a better judge of the affairthan any person present, opened the door without further hesitation, anddisplayed the poor painter standing with a woeful countenance, shiveringin his shirt, which was as wet as if he had been dragged through theDender:--a spectacle which gave such offence to the chaste eyes of theHebrew's mistress, who was by this time one of the spectators, that sheturned her head another way, and withdrew to her own room, exclaimingagainst the indecent practices of men.

  Pallet, seeing the young gentleman enter, ran to him, and, taking him bythe hands, called him his best friend, and said he had rescued him fromthose who had a design against his life. The priest would have producedhis parings and applied them to his nose, but was hindered by Pickle,who advised the patient to shift himself, and put on his clothes. Thisbeing done with great order and deliberation, Mr. Jolter who, with thedoctor, had kept a wary distance, in expectation of seeing some storageeffects of his distraction, began to believe that he had been guilty ofa mistake, and accused the physician of having misled him by his falsediagnostic. The doctor still insisted upon his former declarationassuring him, that although Pallet enjoyed a short interval for thepresent, the delirium would soon recur, unless they would profit by thismomentary calm, and order him to be blooded, blistered, and purged withall imaginable despatch.

  The governor, however, notwithstanding this caution, advanced to theinjured party, and begged pardon for the share he had in giving himsuch disturbance. He declared, in the most solemn manner, that he had noother intention than that of contributing towards his welfare; and thathis behaviour was the result of the physician's prescription, which heaffirmed was absolutely necessary for the recovery of his health.

  The painter, who had very little gall in his disposition, was satisfiedwith this apology; but his resentment, which was before divided, nowglowed with double fire against his first fellow-traveller, whom helooked upon as the author of all the mischances he had undergone,and marked out for his vengeance accordingly. Yet the doors ofreconciliation were not shut against the doctor, who, with greatjustice, might have transferred this load of offence from himselfto Peregrine, who was, without doubt, the source of the painter'smisfortune: but, in that case, he must have owned himself mistaken inhis medical capacity, and he did not think the friendship of Palletimportant enough to be retrieved by such condescension; so that heresolved to neglect him entirely, and gradually forget the formercorrespondence he had maintained with a person whom he deemed sounworthy of his notice.

  CHAPTER LVIII.