The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  The Memoirs of a Lady of Quality.

  "By the circumstances of the story which I am going to relate, you willbe convinced of my candour, while you are informed of my indiscretion.You will be enabled, I hope, to perceive, that, howsoever my head mayhave erred, my heart hath always been uncorrupted, and that I have beenunhappy, because I loved, and was a woman.

  "I believe I need not observe, that I was the only child of a man ofgood fortune, who indulged me in my infancy with all the tenderness ofpaternal affection; and, when I was six years old, sent me to a privateschool, where I stayed till my age was doubled, and became such afavourite, that I was, even in those early days, carried to all theplaces of public diversion, the court itself not excepted, an indulgencethat flattered my love of pleasure, to which I was naturally addicted,and encouraged those ideas of vanity and ambition which spring up soearly in the human mind.

  "I was lively and good-natured, my imagination apt to run riot, my heartliberal and disinterested, though I was so obstinately attached to myown opinions, that I could not well brook contradiction; and, in thewhole of my disposition, resembled that of Henry V., as described byShakespeare.

  "In my thirteenth year I went to Bath, where I was first introducedinto the world as a woman, having been entitled to that privilege by myperson, which was remarkably tall for my years; and there my fancy wasquite captivated by the variety of diversions in which I was continuallyengaged. Not that the parties were altogether new to me, but because Inow found myself considered as a person of consequence, and surroundedby a crowd of admirers, who courted my acquaintance, and fed my vanitywith praise and adulation. In short, whether or not I deserved theirencomiums, I leave the world to judge; but my person was commended, andmy talent in dancing met with universal applause. No wonder, then,that everything appeared joyous to a young creature, who was so voidof experience and dissimulation, that she believed everybody's heart assincere as her own, and every object such as it appeared to be.

  "Among the swains who sighed, or pretended to sigh for me, were twothat bore a pretty equal share of my favour (it was too superficial todeserve the name of love). One of these was a forward youth of sixteen,extremely handsome, lively, and impudent. He attended in quality of pageupon the Princess Amelia, who spent that season at Bath. The other was aScotch nobleman turned of thirty, who was graced with a red ribbon, anddanced particularly well, two qualifications of great weight with agirl of my age, whose heart was not deeply interested in the cause.Nevertheless, the page prevailed over this formidable rival; though ouramour went no farther than a little flirting, and ceased entirely when Ileft the place.

  "Next year, however, I revisited this agreeable scene, and passed mytime in the same circle of amusements; in which, indeed, each seasonat Bath is exactly resembled by that which succeeds, allowing for thedifference of company, which is continually varying. There I met withthe same incense, and again had my favourite, who was a North Briton,and captain of foot, near forty years of age, and a little lame, animpediment which I did not discover, until it was pointed out by someof my companions, who rallied me upon my choice. He was alwayscheerful, and very amorous, had a good countenance, and an excellentunderstanding, possessed a great deal of art, and would have persuadedme to marry him, had I not been restrained by the authority of myfather, whose consent was not to be obtained in favour of a man of hisfortune.

  "At the same time, many proposals of marriage were made to my parents;but as they came from people whom I did not like, I rejected them all,being determined to refuse every man who did not make his addresses tomyself in person, because I had no notion of marrying for anythingbut love. Among these formal proposers was a Scottish earl, whosepretensions were broke off by some difference about settlements; andthe son of an English baron, with whom my father was in treaty, whenhe carried me to town, on a visit to a young lady with whom I had beenintimate from my infancy. She was just delivered of her first son, forwhom we stood sponsors; so that this occasion detained us a whole month,during which I went to a ball at court, on the Queen's birthday, andthere, for the first time, felt what love and beauty were.

  "The second son of Duke H--, who had just returned from his travels, wasdancing with the princess royal, when a young lady came and desiredme to go and see a stranger, whom all the world admired. Upon which Ifollowed her into the circle, and observed this object of admiration. Hewas dressed in a coat of white cloth, faced with blue satin, embroideredwith silver, of the same piece with his waistcoat; his fine hair hungdown his back in ringlets below his waist; his hat was laced withsilver, and garnished with a white feather; but his person beggareddescription. He was tall and graceful, neither corpulent nor meagre, hislimbs finely proportioned, his countenance open and majestic, his eyesfull of sweetness and vivacity, his teeth regular, and his pouting lipsof the complexion of the damask rose. In short, he was formed forlove, and inspired it wherever he appeared; nor was he a niggard of histalents, but liberally returned it, at least, what passed for such; forhe had a flow of gallantry, for which many ladies of this land can vouchfrom their own experience. But he exclaimed against marriage, becausehe had, as yet, met with no woman to whose charms he would surrender hisliberty, though a princess of France, and lady of the same rank in --,were said to be, at that time, enamoured of his person.

  "I went home, totally engrossed by his idea, flattering myself that hehad observed me with some attention; for I was young and new, and hadthe good fortune to attract the notice and approbation of the queenherself.

  "Next day, being at the opera, I was agreeably surprised with theappearance of this amiable stranger, who no sooner saw me enter, thanhe approached so near to the place where I sat, that I overheard what hesaid to his companions; and was so happy as to find myself the objectof his discourse, which abounded with rapturous expressions of love andadmiration. I could not listen to these transports without emotion; mycolour changed, my heart throbbed with unusual violence, and my eyesbetrayed my inclination in sundry favourable glances, which he seemed tointerpret aright, though he could not then avail himself of his success,so far as to communicate his sentiments by speech, because we werestrangers to each other.

  "I passed that night in the most anxious suspense, and several dayselapsed before I saw him again. At length, however, being at court ona ball-night, and determined against dancing, I perceived him among thecrowd, and, to my unspeakable joy, saw him advance, with my Lord P--,who introduced him to my acquaintance. He soon found means to alter myresolution, and I condescended to be his partner all the evening; duringwhich he declared his passion in the most tender and persuasive termsthat real love could dictate, or fruitful imagination invent.

  "I believed his protestations, because I wished them true, and was anunexperienced girl of fifteen. I complied with his earnest request ofbeing permitted to visit me, and even invited him to breakfast nextmorning; so that you may imagine (I speak to those that feel) I didnot, that night, enjoy much repose. Such was the hurry and flutter of myspirits, that I rose at six to receive him at ten. I dressed myself ina new pink satin gown, and my best laced night-clothes, and was soanimated by the occasion that, if ever I deserved a compliment upon mylooks, it was my due at this meeting. The wished-for moment came thatbrought my lover to my view. I was overwhelmed with joy, modesty, andfear of I knew not what. We sat down to breakfast, but did not eat. Herenewed his addresses with irresistible eloquence, and pressed me toaccept of his hand without further hesitation. But to such a precipitatestep I objected, as a measure repugnant to my decency, as well as tothat duty which I owed to my father, whom I tenderly loved.

  "Though I withstood this premature proposal, I did not attempt todisguise the situation of my thoughts; and thus commenced a tendercorrespondence, which was maintained by letters while I remained in thecountry, and carried on, when I was in town, by private interviews twiceor thrice a week at the house of my milliner, where such endearmentspassed as refined and happy lovers know, and others can only guess.Truth and innocence prevai
led on my side, while his heart was fraughtwith sincerity and love. Such frequent intercourse created an intimacywhich I began to think dangerous, and therefore yielded to his repeateddesire that we might be united for ever. Nay, I resolved to avoid him,until the day should be fixed, and very innocently, though not verywisely, told him my reason for this determination, which was no otherthan a consciousness of my incapacity to refuse him anything he shoulddemand as a testimony of my love.

  "The time was accordingly appointed, at the distance of a few days,during which I intended to have implored my father's consent, though Ihad but faint hopes of obtaining it. But he was by some means or otherapprised of our design, before I could prevail upon myself to make himacquainted with our purpose. I had danced with my lover at the ridottoon the preceding evening, and there perhaps our eyes betrayed us.Certain it is, several of Lord W--'s relations, who disapproved of thematch, came up and rallied him on his passion; Lord S--k, in particular,used this remarkable expression, 'Nephew, as much love as you please,but no matrimony.'"

  "Next day, the priest being prepared, and the bridegroom waiting for meat the appointed place, in all the transports of impatient expectation,I was, without any previous warning, carried into the country by myfather, who took no notice of the intelligence he had received, butdecoyed me into the coach on pretence of taking the air; and, when wehad proceeded as far as Turnham Green, gave me to understand, that hewould dine in that place.

  "There was no remedy. I was obliged to bear my disappointment, thoughwith an aching heart, and followed him up-stairs into an apartment,where he told me he was minutely informed of my matrimonial scheme. Idid not attempt to disguise the truth, but assured him, while the tearsgushed from my eyes, that my want of courage alone had hindered me frommaking him privy to my passion; though I owned, I should have marriedLord W--, even though he had disapproved of my choice. I reminded him ofthe uneasy life I led at home, and frankly acknowledged, that I loved myadmirer too well to live without him; though, if he would favour me withhis consent, I would defer my intention, and punctually observe any dayhe would fix for our nuptials. Meanwhile I begged he would permit me tosend a message to Lord W--, who was waiting in expectation of my coming,and might, without such notice, imagine I was playing the jilt. Hegranted this last request; in consequence of which I sent a letter tomy lover, who, when he received it, had almost fainted away, believing Ishould be locked up in the country, and snatched for ever from his arms.Tortured with these apprehensions, he changed clothes immediately, and,taking horse, resolved to follow me whithersoever we should go.

  "After dinner, we proceeded as far as Brentford, where we lay, intendingto be at my father's country house next night; and my admirer putting upat the same inn, practised every expedient his invention could suggestto procure an interview; but all his endeavours were unsuccessful,because I, who little dreamed of his being so near, had gone to bed uponour first arrival, overwhelmed with affliction and tears. In the morningI threw myself at my father's feet, and conjured him, by all the tiesof paternal affection, to indulge me with an opportunity of seeing myadmirer once more, before I should be conveyed from his wishes. Themelancholy condition in which I preferred this supplication, melted thetender heart of my parent, who yielded to my supplications, and carriedme back to town for that purpose.

  "Lord W--, who had watched our motions, and arrived at his own lodgingsbefore we arrived at my father's house, obeyed my summons on theinstant, and appeared before me like an angel. Our faculties were forsome minutes suspended by a conflict of grief and joy. At length Irecovered the use of speech, and gave him to understand, that I wascome to town in order to take my leave of him, by the permission of myfather, whom I had promised to attend into the country next day, beforehe would consent to my return; the chief cause and pretence of whichwas my earnest desire to convince him, that I was not to blame for thedisappointment he had suffered, and that I should see him again in amonth, when the nuptial knot should be tied in spite of all opposition.

  "My lover, who was better acquainted with the world, had wellnigh rundistracted with this information. He swore he would not leave me, untilI should promise to meet and marry him next day; or, if I refused togrant that request, he would immediately leave the kingdom, to which hewould never more return; and, before his departure, sacrifice Lord H.B--, son to the Duke of S. A--, who was the only person upon earth whocould have betrayed us to my father, because he alone was trusted withthe secret of our intended marriage, and had actually undertaken to giveme away; an office which he afterwards declined. Lord W-- also affirmed,that my father decoyed me into the country with a view of cooping me up,and sequestering me entirely from his view and correspondence.

  "In vain I pleaded my father's well-known tenderness, and used all thearguments I could recollect to divert him from his revenge upon LordH--. He was deaf to all my representations, and nothing, I found, wouldprevail upon him to suppress his resentment, but a positive promise tocomply with his former desire. I told him I would hazard everything tomake him happy; but could not, with any regard to my duty, take such astep without the knowledge of my parent; or, if I were so inclined, itwould be impracticable to elude his vigilance and suspicion. However,he employed such pathetic remonstrances, and retained such a powerfuladvocate within my own breast, that, before we parted, I assured him mywhole power should be exerted for his satisfaction; and he signified hisresolution of sitting up all night, in expectation of seeing me at hislodgings.

  "He had no sooner retired, than I went into the next room, anddesired my father to fix a day for the marriage; in which case I wouldcheerfully wait upon him into the country; whereas, should he denymy request, on pretence of staying for the consent of my mother'srelations, which was very uncertain, I would seize the first opportunityof marrying Lord W--, cost what it would. He consented to the match,but would not appoint a day for the ceremony, which he proposed to deferuntil all parties should be agreed; and such a favourable crisis, Ifeared, would never happen.

  "I therefore resolved within myself to gratify my lover's expectation,by eloping, if possible, that very night; though the execution of thisplan was extremely difficult, because my father was upon the alarm,and my own maid, who was my bedfellow, altogether in his interest.Notwithstanding these considerations, I found means to engage one ofthe housemaids in my behalf, who bespoke a hackney-coach, to be kept inwaiting all night; and to bed I went with my Abigail, whom, as I had notclosed an eye, I waked about five in the morning, and sent to pack upsome things for our intended journey.

  "While she was thus employed, I got up, and huddled on my clothes,standing upon my pillow, lest my father, who lay in the chamber below,should hear me afoot, and suspect my design. Having dressed myself withgreat despatch and disorder, I flounced downstairs, stalking as heavilyas I could tread, that he might mistake me for one of the servants; andmy confederate opening the door, I sallied out into the street, thoughI knew not which way to turn; and, to my unspeakable mortification,neither coach nor chair appeared.

  "Having travelled on foot a good way, in hope of finding a convenience,and being not only disappointed in that particular, but also bewilderedin my peregrination, I began to be exceedingly alarmed with theapprehension of being met by some person who might know me; because inthat case, my design would undoubtedly have been discovered, from everycircumstance of my appearance at that time of day; for I had put onthe very clothes which I had pulled off overnight, so that my dress wasaltogether odd and peculiar. My shoes were very fine, and over a largehoop I wore a pink satin quilted petticoat trimmed with silver, whichwas partly covered by a white dimity night-gown, a full quarter ofa yard too short; my handkerchief and apron were hurried on withoutpinning; my nightcap could not contain my hair, which hung about myears in great disorder; and my countenance denoted a mixture of hope andfear, joy and shame.

  "In this dilemma, I made my addresses to that honourable member ofsociety, a shoe-black, whom I earnestly entreated to provide me with acoach or chair, promisin
g to reward him liberally for his trouble, buthe, having the misfortune to be lame, was unable to keep up withmy pace; so that by his advice and direction, I went into the firstpublic-house I found open, where I stayed some time, in the utmostconsternation, among a crew of wretches whom I thought proper to bribefor their civility, not without the terror of being stripped. At length,however, my messenger returned with a chair, of which I took immediatepossession; and fearing that, by this time, my family would be alarmed,and send directly to Lord W--'s lodgings, I ordered myself to be carriedthither backwards, that so I might pass undiscovered.

  "This stratagem succeeded according to my wish; I ran upstairs, in astate of trepidation, to my faithful lover, who waited for me with themost impatient and fearful suspense. At sight of me his eyes lightenedwith transport: he caught me in his arms, as the richest present Heavencould bestow; gave me to understand that my father had already sent tohis lodgings in quest of me; then applauding my love and resolution inthe most rapturous terms, he ordered a hackney-coach to be called, and,that we might run no risk of separation, attended me to church, where wewere lawfully joined in the sight of Heaven.

  "His fears were then all over, but mine recurred with doubleaggravation: I dreaded the sight of my father, and shared all the sorrowhe suffered on account of my undutiful behaviour; for I loved him withsuch piety of affection, that I would have endured every other speciesof distress, rather than given him the least uneasiness; but love, wherehe reigns in full empire, is altogether irresistible, surmounts everydifficulty, and swallows up all other considerations. This was the casewith me; and now the irrevocable step was taken, my first care was toavoid his sight. With this view, I begged that Lord W-- would thinkof some remote place in the country, to which we might retire for thepresent, and he forthwith conducted me to a house on Blackheath, wherewe were very civilly received by a laughter-loving dame, who seemedto mistake me for one of her own sisterhood. I no sooner perceived heropinion, than I desired Lord W-- to undeceive her; upon which she wasmade acquainted with the nature of my situation, and showed us into aprivate room, where I called for pen and paper, and wrote an apologyto my father, for having acted contrary to his will in so important aconcern.

  "This task being performed, the bridegroom gave me to understand, thatthere was a necessity for our being bedded immediately, in order torender the marriage binding, lest my father should discover and partus before consummation. I pleaded hard for a respite till the evening,objecting to the indecency of going to bed before noon; but he foundmeans to invalidate all my arguments, and to convince me that it was nowmy duty to obey. Rather than hazard the imputation of being obstinateand refractory on the first day of my probation, I suffered myself to beled into a chamber, which was darkened by my express stipulation, thatmy shame and confusion might be the better concealed, and yielded to theprivilege of a dear husband, who loved me to adoration.

  "About five o'clock in the afternoon we were called to dinner, which wehad ordered to be ready at four; but such a paltry care had been forgotamidst the transports of our mutual bliss. We got up, however, and whenwe came downstairs, I was ashamed to see the light of day, or meet theeyes of my beloved lord. I ate little, said less, was happy, thoughoverwhelmed with confusion, underwent a thousand agitations, some ofwhich were painful, but by far the greater part belonged to rapture anddelight; we were imparadised in the gratification of our mutual wishes,and felt all that love can bestow, and sensibility enjoy.

  "In the twilight we returned to Lord W--'s lodgings in town, where Ireceived a letter from my father, importing that he would never see meagain. But there was one circumstance in his manner of writing, fromwhich I conceived a happy presage of his future indulgence. He hadbegun with his usual appellation of 'Dear Fanny,' which, though it wasexpunged to make way for the word 'Madam,' encouraged me to hope thathis paternal fondness was not yet extinguished.

  "At supper we were visited by Lord W--'s younger sister, who laughedat us for our inconsiderate match, though she owned she envied ourhappiness, and offered me the use of her clothes until I could retrievemy own. She was a woman of a great deal of humour, plain but genteel,civil, friendly, and perfectly well bred. She favoured us with hercompany till the night was pretty far advanced, and did not take herleave till we retired to our apartment.

  "As our lodgings were not spacious or magnificent, we resolved to seelittle company; but this resolution was frustrated by the numerousacquaintance of Lord W--, who let in half the town: so that I ran thegauntlet for a whole week among a set of wits, who always delight inteasing a young creature of any note, when she happens to make sucha stolen match. Among those that visited us upon this occasion was mylord's younger brother, who was at that time in keeping with a richheiress of masculine memory, and took that opportunity of makinga parade with his equipage, which was indeed very magnificent, butaltogether disregarded by us, whose happiness consisted in the opulenceof mutual love.

  "This ceremony of receiving visits being performed, we went to wait onhis mother, the duchess of H--, who, hearing I was an heiress, readilyforgave her son for marrying without her knowledge and consent, andfavoured us with a very cordial reception; insomuch, that for severalmonths, we dined almost constantly at her table; and I must own, Ialways found her unaltered in her civility and affection, contraryto her general character, which was haughty and capricious. She wasundoubtedly a woman of great spirit and understanding, but subject toan infirmity which very much impairs and disguises every otherqualification.

  "In about three weeks after our marriage, I was so happy as to obtainthe forgiveness of my father, to whose house we repaired, in orderto pay our respects and submission. At sight of me he wept; nor did Ibehold his tears unmoved. My heart was overcharged with tenderness andsorrow, for having offended such an indulgent parent; so that I mingledmy tears with his, while my dear husband, whose soul was of the softestand gentlest mould, melted with sympathy at the affecting scene. Beingthus reconciled to my father, we attended him into the country, wherewe were received by my mother, who was a sensible good woman, thoughnot susceptible to love, and therefore less apt to excuse a weaknessto which she was an utter stranger. This was likewise the case with anuncle, from whom I had great expectations. He was a plain good-naturedman, and treated us with great courtesy, though his notions, in pointof love, were not exactly conformable to ours. Nevertheless, I was,and seemed to be so happy in my choice, that my family not only becamesatisfied with the match, but exceedingly fond of Lord W--.

  "After a short stay with them in the country, we returned to London, inorder to be introduced at court, and then set out for the north, on avisit to my brother-in-law the duke of H--, who had, by a letter to LordW--, invited us to his habitation. My father accordingly equipped uswith horses and money; for our own finances were extremely slender,consisting only of a small pension, allowed by his grace, upon whomthe brothers were entirely dependent, the father having died suddenly,before suitable provision could be made for his younger children.

  "When I took leave of my relations, bidding adieu to my paternal home,and found myself launching into a world of care and trouble, though thevoyage on which I embarked was altogether voluntary, and my companionthe person on whom I doted to distraction,--I could not help feelingsome melancholy sensations, which, however, in a little time, gave wayto a train of more agreeable ideas. I was visited in town by almostall the women of fashion, many of whom, I perceived, envied me thepossession of a man who had made strange havoc among their hearts, andsome of them knew the value of his favour. One in particular endeavouredto cultivate my friendship with singular marks of regard; but I thoughtproper to discourage her advances, by keeping within the bounds of barecivility; and, indeed, to none of them was I lavish of my complaisance;for I dedicated my whole time to the object of my affection, whoengrossed my wishes to such a degree, that, although I was neverjealous, because I had no reason to be so, I envied the happiness ofevery woman whom he chanced at any time to hand into a coach.

 
"The duchess of --, who was newly married to the earl of P--, aparticular friend of Lord W--'s, carried me to court, and presentedme to the queen, who expressed her approbation of my person in veryparticular terms, and, observing the satisfaction that appeared inmy countenance, with marks of admiration, desired her ladies to takenotice, how little happiness depended upon wealth, since there was morejoy in my face than in all her court besides.

  "Such a declaration could not fail to overwhelm me with blushes, whichher Majesty seemed to behold with pleasure; for she frequently repeatedthe remark, and showed me to all the foreigners of distinction, withmany gracious expressions of favour. She wished Lord W-- happinessinstead of joy, and was pleased to promise, that she would provide forher pretty beggars. And poor enough we certainly were in every articlebut love. Nevertheless, we felt no necessities, but passed the summerin a variety of pleasures and parties; the greatest part of which wereplanned by Lord W--'s sister and another lady, who was at that timemistress to the prime minister. The first was a wit, but homely inperson; the other a woman of great beauty and masculine understanding;and a particular friendship subsisted between them, though they wereboth lovers of power and admiration.

  "This lady, who sat at the helm, was extremely elegant, as wellas expensive in her diversions, in many of which we bore a share,particularly in her parties upon the water, which were contrived in allthe magnificence of taste. In the course of these amusements, a triflingcircumstance occurred, which I shall relate as an instance of thatjealous sensibility which characterised Lord W--'s disposition. A largecompany of ladies and gentlemen having agreed to dine at Vauxhall, andsup at Marble-hall, where we proposed to conclude the evening with adance, one barge being insufficient to contain the whole company, wewere divided by lots; in consequence of which, my husband and I wereparted. This separation was equally mortifying to us both, who, thoughmarried, were still lovers; and my chagrin increased when I perceivedthat I was doomed to sit by Sir W. Y--, a man of professed gallantry;for, although Lord W-- had, before his marriage, made his addresses toevery woman he saw, I knew very well he did not desire that any personshould make love to his wife.

  "That I might not, therefore, give umbrage, by talking to this gallant,I conversed with a Scotch nobleman, who, according to common report, hadformerly sighed among my admirers. By these means, in seeking to avoidone error, I unwittingly plunged myself into a greater, and disobligedLord W-- so much, that he could not conceal his displeasure; nay, sodeeply was he offended at my conduct, that, in the evening, when theball began, he would scarce deign to take me by the hand in the courseof dancing, and darted such unkind looks, as pierced me to the verysoul. What augmented my concern, was my ignorance of the trespass I hadcommitted. I was tortured with a thousand uneasy reflections; I began tofear that I had mistaken his temper, and given my heart to a man who wastired of possession; though I resolved to bear without complaining themisfortune I had entailed upon myself.

  "I seized the first opportunity of speaking to him, and therebydiscovered the cause of his chagrin; but, as there was no time forexpostulation, the misunderstanding continued on his side, with suchevident marks of uneasiness, that every individual of the company madeup to me, and inquired about the cause of his disorder; so that I wasfain to amuse their concern, by saying, that he had been ill the daybefore, and dancing did not agree with his constitution. So much was heincensed by this unhappy circumstance of my conduct, which was void ofall intention to offend him, that he determined to be revenged on mefor my indiscretion, and at supper, chancing to sit between two veryhandsome ladies, one of whom is lately dead, and the other, at present,my neighbour in the country, he affected an air of gaiety, and openlycoquetted with them both.

  "This was not the only punishment he inflicted on his innocent wife. Inthe course of our entertainment, we engaged in some simple diversion,in consequence of which the gentlemen were ordered to salute the ladies;when Lord W--, in performing this command, unkindly neglected me in myturn; I had occasion for all my discretion and pride, to concealfrom the company the agonies I felt at this mark of indifference anddisrespect. However, I obtained the victory over myself, and pretendedto laugh at his husband-like behaviour, while the tears stood in my eyesand my heart swelled even to bursting.

  "We broke up about five, after having spent the most tedious evening Ihad ever known; and this offended lover went to bed in a state of sullensilence and disgust. Whatever desire I had to come to an explanation, Ithought myself so much aggrieved by his unreasonable prejudice, thatI could not prevail upon myself to demand a conference, till after hisfirst nap, when my pride giving way to my tenderness, I clasped him inmy arms, though he pretended to discourage these advances of my love. Iasked how he could be so unjust as to take umbrage at my civility toa man whom he knew I had refused for his sake; I chid him for hisbarbarous endeavours to awake my jealousy, and used such irresistiblearguments in my own vindication, that he was convinced of my innocence,scaled my acquittal with a kind embrace, and we mutually enjoyed thesoft transports of a fond reconciliation.

  "Never was passion more eager, delicate, or unreserved, than that whichglowed within our breasts. Far from being cloyed with the possession ofeach other, our raptures seemed to increase with the term of our union.When we were separated, though but for a few hours, by the necessaryavocations of life, we were unhappy during that brief separation, andmet again like lovers, who knew no joy but in one another's presence.How many delicious evenings did we spend together, in our littleapartment, after we had ordered the candles to be taken away, that wemight enjoy the agreeable reflection of the moon in a fine summer'sevening! Such a mild and solemn scene naturally disposes the mind topeace and benevolence; but when improved with conversation of the manone loves, it fills the imagination with ideas of ineffable delight! Formy own part, I can safely say, my heart was so wholly engrossed by myhusband, that I never took pleasure in any diversion where he was notpersonally concerned; nor was I ever guilty of one thought repugnant tomy duty and my love.

  "In the autumn, we set out for the north, and were met on the road bythe duke and twenty gentlemen, who conducted us to H--n, where we livedin all imaginable splendour. His grace, at that time, maintained abovea hundred servants, with a band of music, which always performed atdinner, kept open table, and was visited by a great deal of company. Theeconomy of his house was superintended by his eldest sister, a beautifulyoung lady of an amiable temper, with whom I soon contracted an intimatefriendship. She and the duke used to rally me upon my fondness for LordW--, who was a sort of humourist, and apt to be in a pet, in whichcase he would leave the company and go to bed by seven o'clock in theevening. On these occasions, I always disappeared, giving up everyconsideration to that of pleasing my husband, notwithstanding theridicule of his relations, who taxed me with having spoiled him withtoo much indulgence. But how could I express too much tenderness andcondescension for a man, who doted upon me to such excess, that,when business obliged him to leave me, he always snatched the firstopportunity to return, and often rode through darkness, storms, andtempests to my arms?

  "Having stayed about seven months in this place, I found myself in afair way of being a mother, and that I might be near my own relationsin such an interesting situation, I and my dear companion departedfrom H--n, not without great reluctance; for I was fond of the Scots ingeneral, who treated me with great hospitality and respect; and to thisday, they paid me the compliment of saying, I was one of the best wivesin that country which is so justly celebrated for good women.

  "Lord W-- having attended me to my father's house, was obliged toreturn to Scotland, to support his interest in being elected member ofParliament; so that he took his leave of me, with a full resolution ofseeing me again before the time of my lying-in; and all the comfortI enjoyed in his absence, was the perusal of his letters, which Ipunctually received, together with those of his sister, who, from timeto time, favoured me with assurances of his constancy and devotion.Indeed, these testimonials were necessary to one
of my disposition; forI was none of those who could be contented with half a heart. I couldnot even spare one complacent look to any other woman, but expectedthe undivided homage of his love. Had I been disappointed in thisexpectation, I should, though a wife, have rebelled or died.

  "Meanwhile my parents treated me with great tenderness, intending thatLord W-- should be settled in a house of his own, and accommodated withmy fortune, and his expectations from the queen were very sanguine, whenI was taken ill, and delivered of a dead child, an event which affectedme extremely. When I understood the extent of my misfortune, my heartthrobbed with such violence, that my breast could scarce contain it;and my anxiety, being aggravated by the absence of my lord, produced adangerous fever, of which he was no sooner apprised by letter, than hecame post from Scotland; but, before his arrival, I was supposed to bein a fair way.

  "During this journey, he was tortured with all that terrible suspensewhich prevails in the minds of those who are in danger of losing thatwhich is most dear to them; and, when he entered the house, was so muchoverwhelmed with apprehension, that he durst not inquire about the stateof my health. As for my part, I never closed an eye from the time onwhich I expected his return; and, when I heard his voice, I threw openmy curtains, and sat up in the bed to receive him, though at the hazardof my life. He ran towards me with all the eagerness of passion, andclasped me in his arms; he kneeled by the bedside, and kissed my handa thousand times, and wept with transports of tenderness and joy.In short, this meeting was so pathetic as to overcome my enfeebledconstitution, and we were parted by those who were wiser than ourselves,and saw that nothing was so proper for us as a little repose.

  "But how shall I relate the deplorable transition from envied happinessto excess of misery which I now sustained! My month was hardly up, whenmy dear husband was taken ill; perhaps the fatigue of body, as well asmind, which he had undergone on my account, occasioned a fatal fermentin his blood, and his health fell a sacrifice to his love. Physicianswere called from London, but alas! they brought no hopes of hisrecovery. By their advice, he was removed to town, for the convenienceof being punctually attended. Every moment was too precious to be thrownaway; he was therefore immediately put into the coach, though the daywas far spent; and I, though exceedingly weak, accompanied him in thejourney, which was performed by the light of flambeaus, and renderedunspeakingly shocking by the dismal apprehension of losing him everymoment.

  "At length, however, we arrived at our lodgings in Pall Mall, where Ilay by him on the floor, and attended the issue of his distemper in allthe agonies of horror and despair. In a little time his maladysettled upon his brain, and, in his delirium, he uttered such dreadfulexclamations, as were sufficient to pierce the most savage heart. Whateffect then must they have had on mine, which was fraught with everysentiment of the most melting affection! It was not a common grief thattook possession of my soul; I felt all the aggravation of the most acutedistress. I sometimes ran down the street in a fit of distraction: Isent for the doctors every minute: I wearied Heaven with my prayers;even now my heart aches at the remembrance of what I suffered, and Icannot, without trembling, proceed with the woeful story.

  "After having lain insensible some days, he recovered the use of speech,and called upon my name, which he had a thousand times repeated while hewas bereft of reason. All hopes of his life were now relinquished, andI was led to his bedside to receive his last adieus, being directed tosummon all my fortitude, and suppress my sorrow, that he might not bedisturbed by my agitation. I collected all my resolution to support mein this affecting scene. I saw my dear lord in extremity. The beautiesof his youth were all decayed; yet his eyes, though languid, retainedunspeakable sweetness and expression. He felt his end approaching, putforth his hand, and, with a look full of complacency and benevolence,uttered such a tender tale--good Heaven! how had I deserved suchaccumulated affliction, the bare remembrance of which now melts me intotears? Human nature could not undergo my situation without suffering anecstasy of grief. I clasped him in my arms, and kissed him a thousandtimes, with the most violent emotions of woe; but I was torn from hisembrace, and in a little time he was ravished for ever from my view.

  "On that fatal morning, which put a period to his life, I saw theduchess of L-- approach my bed, and, from her appearance, concluded thathe was no more; yet I begged she would not confirm the unhappy presageby announcing his death; and she accordingly preserved the most emphaticsilence. I got up, and trod softly over his head, as if I had beenafraid of interrupting his repose. Alas! he was no longer sensible ofsuch disturbance. I was seized with a stupefaction of sorrow; I threwup the window and, looking around, thought the sun shone with the mostdismal aspect; everything was solitary, cheerless, and replete withhorror.

  "In this condition I was, by the direction of my friend, conveyed toher house, where my faculties were so overpowered by the load of anguishwhich oppressed me, that I know not what passed during the first days ofmy unhappy widowhood; this only I know, the kind duchess treated me withall imaginable care and compassion, and carried me to her country house,where I stayed some months; during which, she endeavoured to comfortme with all the amusements she could invent, and laid me undersuch obligations as shall never be erased from my remembrance. Yet,notwithstanding all her care and concern, I was, by my excess of grief,plunged into a languishing distemper, for which my physicians advised meto drink the Bath waters.

  "In compliance with this prescription, I went thither towards the end ofsummer, and found some benefit by adhering to their directions. ThoughI seldom went abroad, except when I visited my sister-in-law, who wasthere with the princess; and, upon these occasions, I never failed toattract the notice of the company, who were struck with the appearanceof such a young creature in weeds. Nor was I free from the persecutionof professed admirers; but, being dead to all joy, I was deaf to thevoice of adulation.

  "About Christmas I repaired to my father's house, where my sorrows wererevived by every object that recalled the idea of my dear lamented lord.But these melancholy reflections I was obliged to bear, because I hadno other home or habitation, being left an unprovided widow, altogetherdependent on the affection of my own family. During this winter, diversovertures were made to my father by people who demanded me in marriage;but my heart was not yet sufficiently weaned from my former passion toadmit the thoughts of another master. Among those that presented theirproposals was a certain young nobleman, who, upon the first news of LordW--'s death, came post from Paris, in order to declare his passion. Hemade his first appearance in a hired chariot-and-six, accompanied by abig fat fellow, whom (as I afterwards learned) he had engaged to soundhis praises, with a promise of a thousand pounds, in lieu of which hepaid him forty. Whether it was with a view of screening himself from thecold, or of making a comfortable medium in case of being overturned, andfalling under his weighty companion, I know not; but, certain it is, thecarriage was stuffed with hay, in such a manner, that, when he arrived,the servants were at some pains in rummaging and removing it, beforethey could come at their master, or help him to alight. When he waslifted out of the chariot, he exhibited a very ludicrous figure to theview. He was a thin, meagre, shivering creature, of a low stature, withlittle black eyes, a long nose, sallow complexion, and pitted withthe smallpox; dressed in a coat of light brown frieze, lined withpink-coloured shag, a monstrous solitaire and bag, and, if I rememberright, a pair of huge jack-boots. In a word, his whole appearance wasso little calculated for inspiring love, that I had, on the strength ofseeing him once before at Oxford, set him down as the last man on earthwhom I would choose to wed; and I will venture to affirm, that he was inevery particular the reverse of my late husband.

  "As my father was not at home, he stayed but one evening, and left hiserrand with my mother, to whom he was as disagreeable as to myself; sothat his proposal was absolutely rejected, and I heard no more of himduring the space of three whole months, at the expiration of which Iwent to town, where this mortifying figure presented itself again, andrene
wed his suit, offering such advantageous terms of settlement, thatmy father began to relish the match, and warmly recommended it to myconsideration.

  "Lord W--'s relations advised me to embrace the opportunity of makingmyself independent. All my acquaintance plied me with arguments to thesame purpose. I was uneasy at home, and indifferent to all mankind. Iweighed the motives with the objections, and with reluctance yielded tothe importunity of my friends. In consequence of this determination,the little gentleman was permitted to visit me; and the manner of hisaddress did not alter the opinion I had conceived of his character andunderstanding. I was even shocked at the prospect of marrying a man whomI could not love; and, in order to disburden my own conscience, tookan opportunity of telling him, one evening, as we sat opposite toeach other, that it was not in my power to command my affection, andtherefore he could not expect the possession of my heart, Lord W--'sindulgence having spoiled me for a wife; nevertheless, I would endeavourto contract a friendship for him, which would entirely depend upon hisown behaviour.

  "To this declaration he replied, to my great surprise, that he didnot desire me to love him; my friendship was sufficient; and nextday repeated this strange instance of moderation in a letter, which Icommunicated to my sister, who laughed heartily at the contents, andpersuaded me, that since I could love no man, he was the properestperson to be my husband.

  "Accordingly, the wedding clothes and equipage being prepared, theday--the fatal day--was fixed; on the morning of which I went to thehouse of my brother-in-law, duke H--, who loved me tenderly, and took myleave of the family, a family which I shall always remember with love,honour, and esteem. His grace received me in the most affectionatemanner, saying at parting, 'Lady W--, if he does not use you well, Iwill take you back again.'"

  "The bridegroom and I met at Ox-- Chapel, where the ceremony wasperformed by the bishop of W--, in presence of his lordship's mother, myfather, and another lady. The nuptial knot being tied, we set out formy father's house in the country, and proceeded full twenty miles onour journey before my lord opened his mouth, my thoughts having been allthat time employed on something quite foreign to my present situation;for I was then but a giddy girl of eighteen. At length my father brokesilence, and clapping his lordship on the shoulder, told him he was buta dull bridegroom; upon which my lord gave him to understand that he wasout of spirits. This dejection continued all the day, notwithstandingthe refreshment of a plentiful dinner which he ate upon the road; andin the evening we arrived at the place of our destination, where we werekindly received by my mother, though she had no liking to the match;and, after supper, we retired to our apartment.

  "It was here that I had occasion to perceive the most disagreeablecontrast between my present helpmate and my former lord. Instead offlying to my arms with all the eagerness of love and rapture, this manlyrepresentative sat moping in a corner, like a criminal on execution day,and owned he was ashamed to bed with a woman whose hand he had scarceever touched.

  "I could not help being affected with this pusillanimous behaviour. Iremembered Lord W--, while I surveyed the object before me, and madesuch a comparison as filled me with horror and disgust: nay, to such adegree did my aversion to this phantom prevail, that I began to sweatwith anguish at the thought of being subjected to his pleasure; andwhen, after a long hesitation, he ventured to approach me, I trembledas if I had been exposed to the embraces of a rattlesnake. Nor did theefforts of his love diminish this antipathy. His attempts were likethe pawings of an imp, sent from hell to seize and torment some guiltywretch, such as are exhibited in some dramatic performance, which I havenever seen acted without remembering my wedding-night. By such shadowy,unsubstantial, vexatious behaviour was I tantalized, and robbed of myrepose; and early next morning I got up, with a most sovereign contemptfor my bedfellow, who indulged himself in bed till eleven.

  "Having passed a few days in this place, I went home with him to hishouse at Twickenham, and soon after we were presented at court, when thequeen was pleased to say to my lord's mother, she did not doubt thatwe should be a happy couple, for I had been a good wife to my formerhusband.

  "Whatever deficiencies I had to complain of in my new spouse, he wasnot wanting in point of liberality. I was presented with a very finechariot, studded with silver nails, and such a profusion of jewels asfurnished a joke to some of my acquaintance, who observed, that Iwas formerly queen of hearts, but now metamorphosed into the queen ofdiamonds. I now also had an opportunity, which I did not let slip, ofpaying Lord W--'s debts from my privy purse; and on that score receivedthe thanks of his elder brother, who, though he had undertaken todischarge them, delayed the execution of his purpose longer than Ithought they should remain unpaid. This uncommon splendour attracted theeyes and envy of my competitors, who were the more implacable in theirresentments, because, notwithstanding my marriage, I was as much asever followed by the men of gallantry and pleasure, among whom it isa constant maxim, that a woman never withholds her affections from herhusband, without an intention to bestow them somewhere else. I neverappeared without a train of admirers, and my house in the country wasalways crowded with gay young men of quality.

  "Among those who cultivated my good graces with the greatest skill andassiduity, were the Earl C-- and Mr. S---, brother to Lord F--. Theformer of whom, in the course of his addresses, treated me with anentertainment of surprising magnificence, disposed into a dinner,supper, and ball, to which I, at his desire, invited eleven ladies, whomhe paired with the like number of his own sex; so that the whole companyamounted to twenty-four. We were regaled with a most elegant dinner, inan apartment which was altogether superb, and served by gentlemenonly, no livery servant being permitted to come within the door. In theafternoon we embarked in two splendid barges, being attended by a bandof music in a third; and enjoyed a delightful evening upon the rivertill the twilight, when we returned and began the ball, which wasconducted with such order and taste, that mirth and good-humourprevailed. No dissatisfaction appeared, except in the countenance of oneold maid, since married to a son of the duke of --, who though she wouldnot refuse to partake of such an agreeable entertainment, was displeasedthat I should have the honour of inviting her. O baleful Envy! thouself-tormenting fiend! how dost thou predominate in all assemblies, fromthe grand gala of a court, to the meeting of simple peasants at theirharvest-home! Nor is the prevalence of this sordid passion to bewondered at, if we consider the weakness, pride, and vanity of our sex.The presence of one favourite man shall poison the enjoyment of a wholecompany, and produce the most rancorous enmity betwixt the closestfriends.

  "I danced with the master of the ball, who employed all the artillery ofhis eloquence in making love; yet I did not listen to his addresses, forhe was not to my taste, though he possessed an agreeable person, and agood acquired understanding; but he was utterly ignorant of that gentleprevailing art which I afterwards experienced in Mr. S---, and which wasthe only method he could have successfully practised in seducing a youngwoman like me, born with sentiments of honour, and trained up in thepaths of religion and virtue. This young gentleman was indeed absolutelymaster of those insinuating qualifications which few women of passionand sensibility can resist; and had a person every way adapted forprofiting by these insidious talents. He was well acquainted with thehuman heart, conscious of his own power and capacity, and exercisedthese endowments with unwearied perseverance. He was tall and thin, of ashape and size perfectly agreeable to my taste, with large blue eloquenteyes, good teeth, and a long head turned to gallantry. His behaviour wasthe standard of politeness, and all his advances were conducted with themost profound respect; which is the most effectual expedient a man canuse against us, if he can find means to persuade us that it proceedsfrom the excess and delicacy of his passion. It is no other thana silent compliment, by which our accomplishments are continuallyflattered and pleases in proportion to the supposed understanding ofhim who pays it.

  "By these arts and advantages this consummate politician in lovebegan by degrees to sap the
foundation of my conjugal faith: he stoleimperceptibly into my affection, and by dint of opportunity, which hewell knew how to improve, triumphed at last over all his rivals.

  "Nor was he the only person that disputed my heart with Earl C--. Thatnobleman was also rivalled by Lord C. H--, a Scotchman, who had been anintimate and relation of my former husband. Him I would have preferredto most of his competitors, and actually coquetted with him for sometime: but the amour was interrupted by his going to Ireland; upon whichoccasion, understanding that he was but indifferently provided withmoney, I made him a present of a gold snuff-box, in which was encloseda bank-note; a trifling mark of my esteem, which he afterwards justifiedby the most grateful, friendly, and genteel behaviour; and as wecorresponded by letters, I frankly told him, that Mr. S--- had steppedin, and won the palm from all the rest of my admirers.

  "This new favourite's mother and sister, who lived in the neighbourhood,were my constant companions; and, in consequence of this intimacy, henever let a day pass without paying his respects to me in person; nay,so ingenious was he in contriving the means of promoting his suit, thatwhether I rode or walked, went abroad or stayed at home, he was alwaysof course one of the party; so that his design seemed to engross hiswhole vigilance and attention. Thus he studied my disposition, andestablished himself in my good opinion at the same time. He found myheart was susceptible of every tender impression, and saw that I was notfree from the vanity of youth; he had already acquired my friendshipand esteem, from which he knew there was a short and easy transition tolove. By his penetration choosing proper seasons for the theme, he urgedit with such pathetic vows and artful adulation, as well might captivatea young woman of my complexion and experience, and circumstanced as Iwas, with a husband whom I had such reason to despise.

  "Though he thus made an insensible progress in my heart, he did not findmy virtue an easy conquest; and I myself was ignorant of the advantagehe had gained with regard to my inclinations, until I was convinced ofhis success by an alarm of jealousy which I one day felt, at seeing himengaged in conversation with another lady. I forthwith recognized thissymptom of love, with which I had been formerly acquainted, and trembledat the discovery of my own weakness. I underwent a strange agitationand mixture of contrary sensations. I was pleased with the passion,yet ashamed of avowing it even to my own mind. The rights of a husband,though mine was but a nominal one, occurred to my reflection, andvirtue, modesty, and honour, forbade me to cherish the guilty flame.

  "When I encouraged these laudable scruples, and resolved to sacrificemy love to duty and reputation, my lord was almost every day employedin riding post to my father, with complaints of my conduct, whichwas hitherto irreproachable; though the greatest grievance which hepretended to have suffered was my refusing to comply with his desire,when he entreated me to lie, a whole hour every morning, with my neckuncovered, that, by gazing, he might quiet the perturbation of hisspirits. From this request you may judge of the man, as well as of theregard I must entertain for his character and disposition.

  "During the whole summer I was besieged by my artful undoer, and in theautumn set out with my lord for Bath, where, by reason of the intimacythat subsisted between our families, we lived in the same house withmy lover and his sister, who, with another agreeable young lady,accompanied us in this expedition. By this time Mr. S-- had extortedfrom me a confession of a mutual flame, though I assured him thatit should never induce me to give up the valuable possession of anunspotted character, and a conscience void of offence. I offered himall the enjoyment he could reap from an unreserved intercourse of souls,abstracted from any sensual consideration. He eagerly embraced theplatonic proposal, because he had sagacity enough to foresee the issueof such chimerical contracts, and knew me too well to think he couldaccomplish his purpose without seeming to acquiesce in my own terms, andcultivating my tenderness under the specious pretext.

  "In consequence of this agreement, we took all opportunities of seeingeach other in private; and these interviews were spent in mutualprotestations of disinterested love. This correspondence, thoughdangerous, was, on my side, equally innocent and endearing; and manyhappy hours we passed, before my sentiments were discovered. At lengthmy lover was taken ill, and then my passion burst out beyond thepower of concealment; my grief and anxiety became so conspicuous in mycountenance, and my behaviour was so indiscreet, that everybody in thehouse perceived the situation of my thoughts, and blamed my conductaccordingly.

  "Certain it is, I was extremely imprudent, though intentionallyinnocent. I have lain whole nights by my lord, who teased and tormentedme for that which neither I could give nor he could take, and ruminatedon the fatal consequences of this unhappy flame, until I was worked intoa fever of disquiet. I saw there was no safety but in flight, and oftendetermined to banish myself for ever from the sight of this dangerousintruder. But my resolution always failed at the approach of day, andmy desire of seeing him as constantly recurred. So far was I frompersisting in such commendable determinations, that, on the eve ofour departure from Bath, I felt the keenest pangs of sorrow atour approaching separation; and, as we could not enjoy our privateinterviews at my house in town, I promised to visit him at his ownapartments, after he had sworn by all that's sacred, that he wouldtake no sinister advantage of my condescension, by presuming upon theopportunities I should give.

  "He kept his word, for he saw I trusted to it with fear and trembling,and perceived that my apprehension was not affected, but the naturalconcern of a young creature, distracted between love and duty, whom, hadhe alarmed, he would never had seen within his doors again. Instead ofpressing me with solicitations in favour of his passion, he was morethan ever respectful and complaisant; so that I found myself disengagedof all restraint, conducted the conversation, shortened and repeated myvisits at my own pleasure, till at last I became so accustomed to thiscommunication, that his house was as familiar to me as my own.

  "Having in this manner secured himself in my confidence, he resumed thefavourite topic of love, and, warming my imagination by gradual advanceson the subject, my heart began to pant; when he saw me thus moved, hesnatched the favourable occasion to practise all his eloquence and art.I could not resist his energy nor even fly from the temptation thatassailed me, until he had obtained a promise that he should, at ournext meeting, reap the fruits of his tedious expectation. Upon thiscondition, I was permitted to retire, and blessed heaven for my escape,fully determined to continue in the path of virtue I had hitherto trod,and stifle the criminal flame by which my peace and reputation wereendangered. But his idea, which reigned in my heart without control,soon baffled all these prudent suggestions.

  "I saw him again; and he reminded me of my promise, which I endeavouredto evade with affected pleasantry, upon which he manifested the utmostdispleasure and chagrin, shedding some crocodile tears, and upbraidedme with levity and indifference. He observed, that he had solicited myfavour for ten long months without intermission, and imagined I had heldout so long on virtuous motives only; but now he could plainly perceivethat his want of success had been owing to my want of affection, andthat all my professions were insincere. In a word, he persuaded methat his remonstrances were just and reasonable. I could not see theaffliction of a man I loved, when I knew it was in my power to removeit; and, rather than forfeit his opinion of my sincerity and love, Iconsented to his wish. My heart now flutters at the remembrance of thedear though fatal indiscretion; yet I reflect without remorse, and evenremember it with pleasure.

  "If I could not avoid the censure of the world, I was resolved to bearit without repining; and sure the guilt, if there was any in my conduct,was but venial; for I considered myself as a person absolved of allmatrimonial ties, by the insignificance of Lord ----, who, though anominal husband, was in fact a mere nonentity. I therefore contracteda new engagement with my lover, to which I resolved to adhere with themost scrupulous fidelity, without the least intention of injuring mylord or his relations; for, had our mutual passion produced any visibleeffects, I would
immediately have renounced and abandoned my husband forever, that the fruit of my love for Mr. S-- might not have inherited,to the detriment of the right heir. This was my determination, whichI thought just, if not prudent; and for which I have incurred theimputation of folly, in the opinion of this wise and honest generation,by whose example and advice I have, since that time, been a littlereformed in point of prudentials, though I still retain a strongtendency to return to my primitive way of thinking.

  "When I quitted Mr. S--, after the sacrifice I had made, and returned tomy own bed, it may, perhaps, be supposed that I slept but little. True:I was kept awake by the joyful impatience of revisiting my lover. IndeedI neglected no opportunity of flying to his arms. When Lord -- was inthe country, we enjoyed each other's company without interruption;but when he resided in town, our correspondence was limited to stoleninterviews, which were unspeakably delicious, as genuine love presidedat the entertainment.

  "Such was my happiness in the course of this tender communication, thatto this day I remember it with pleasure, though it has cost me dear inthe sequel, and was at that time enjoyed at a considerable expense; forI devoted myself so entirely to my lover, who was desirous of engrossingmy time and thoughts, that my acquaintance, which was very numerous,justly accused me of neglect, and of consequence cooled in theirfriendships; but I was 'all for love, or the world well lost;' and werethe same opportunity to offer, I would act the same conduct over again.

  "Some there are who possibly may wonder how I could love twice with suchviolence of affection. But all such observers must be unacquainted withthe human heart. Mine was naturally adapted for the tender passions, andhad been so fortunate, so cherished in its first impressions, that itfelt with joy the same sensations revive, when influenced by the sameengaging qualifications. Certain it is, I loved the second time as wellas the first, and better was impossible. I gave up my all for both:fortune and my father's favour for the one; reputation, friends, andfortune for the other. Yet, notwithstanding this intimate connection,I did not relinquish the world all at once; on the contrary, I stillappeared at court, and attracted the notice and approbation of my royalpatroness; I danced with the P-- of W--; a circumstance which so nearlyaffected Mr. S--, who was present, that, in order to manifest hisresentment, he chose the ugliest woman in the ball for his partner; andI no sooner perceived his uneasiness, than I gave over, with a view ofappeasing his displeasure.

  "Without repeating particular circumstances, let it suffice to say, ourmutual passion was a perfect copy of that which had subsisted betweenme and my dear Lord W--. It was jealous, melting and delicate, andchequered with little accident, which serve to animate and maintainthe flame, in its first ardency of rapture. When my lover was sick,I attended and nursed him with indefatigable tenderness and care; andduring an indisposition, which I caught in the performance of thisagreeable office, he discharged the obligation with all the warmth ofsympathy and love.

  "It was, however, judged necessary by the physicians, that I should usethe Bath waters for the recovery of my health; and I set out for thatplace, glad of a pretence to be absent from Lord ----, with whom I livedon very unhappy terms. He had, about nine months after our marriage,desired that we might sleep in separate beds, and gave a very whimsicalreason for this proposal. He said, the immensity of his love deprivedhim of the power of gratification, and that some commerce with anobject, to which his heart was not attached, might, by diminishing thetransports of his spirits, recompose his nerves, and enable him to enjoythe fruits of his good fortune.

  "You may be sure I made no objection to this plan, which was immediatelyput into execution. He made his addresses to a nymph of Drury Lane,whose name, as he told me, was Mrs. Rock. She made shift to extract somemoney from her patient; but his infirmity was beyond the power of herart, though she made some mischief between us; and I communicated mysuspicion to the duke of H--, who intended to have expostulated with herupon the subject; but she got intimation of his design, and saved himthe trouble by a precipitate retreat.

  "After my return from Bath, where Mr. S-- and I had lived happily, untilwe were interrupted by the arrival of my husband, his lordship expressedan inclination to be my bedfellow again. In this particular I desired tobe excused. I would not be the first to propose the separation, which,though usual in other countries, is contrary to the custom of England,being unwilling to furnish the least handle for censure, as my characterwas still unblemished; yet, when the proposal came from him, I thoughtmyself entitled to refuse a reunion; to which I accordingly objected.

  "This opposition produced a quarrel, which rose to a state of perpetualanimosity; so that we began to talk of parting. My lord relished theexpedient, agreeing to add three hundred pounds a year to my pin-money,which, by the bye, was never paid; and I renounced all state andgrandeur, to live in a small house that I hired at Carshalton, where Ipassed my time for two months, in the most agreeable retirement, with mydear lover. At length I was disturbed by the intrusion of my lord, whomolested me with visits and solicitations to return, pretending that hehad changed his mind, and insisting upon my compliance with his desire.

  "I exhausted my invention in endeavours to evade his request; but hepersecuted me without ceasing. So that I was fain to capitulate, oncondition that he should immediately set out for France; and that heshould not presume to approach my bed till our arrival at Calais. Weaccordingly departed for that kingdom; and, far from infringing theleast article of our treaty, his lordship did not insist upon hisprivilege before we reached the capital of France.

  "Meanwhile, I began to feel the effect of my passion in a veryinteresting manner, and communicated my discovery to the dear author ofit, who would not leave me in such an affecting situation, but took thefirst opportunity of following us to France.

  "In our road to Paris, we stopped to visit Chantilly, a magnificentchateau belonging to the prince of Conde, and there met by accident withsome English noblemen, to whom I was known. The prince and hissisters invited me very politely into the gallery where they sat. Theycomplimented me on my person, and seemed to admire my dress, which wasaltogether new to them, being a blue English riding-habit, trimmed withgold, and a hat with a feather. They were particularly well pleased withmy hair which hung down to my waist, and pressed me to stay a fortnightat their house; an invitation which I was very much mortified atbeing obliged to refuse, because my lord did not understand the Frenchlanguage. I was enchanted with the place and the company, the womenbeing amiable, and the men polite; nor were they strangers to my nameand story; for Mr. S-- calling at the same place a few days after, theyrallied him on my account.

  "When we arrived at Paris, the first thing I did was to metamorphosemyself into a Frenchwoman. I cut off my hair, hid a very good complexionof my own with rouge, reconciled myself to powder, which I had neverused before, put on a robe with a large hoop, and went to the Tuileries,full of spirits and joy; for, at that time, everything conspired to makeme happy. I had health, youth, and beauty, love, vanity, and affluence,and found myself surrounded with diversions which were gay, new, andagreeable. My appearance drew upon me the eyes of the whole company,who considered me a stranger, but not a foreigner, so completely was Iequipped in the fashion of the French; and when they understood who Iwas, they applauded my person with the most lavish encomiums, accordingto their known politeness.

  "After having made a circuit round all the public places ofentertainment in Paris, I was introduced into the company by an Englishfamily, residing in that city; and, among others, became acquainted witha French lady, whose charms were remarkably attractive. The duke of K--was her admirer; but she lived in reputation with her mother, and anagreeable sister, whose lover was the prince of C--, for almost everylady in France has her aimant.

  "With this charming woman, whose name was Madame de la T--, I often madeparties of pleasure. The duke, Mr. S--, she, and I, used to meet in theBois de Boulogne, which is a pleasant wood, at a small distance fromParis, whither the company repairs in the summer season for the
benefitof the air; and, after having amused ourselves among the groves,embarked in his grace's equipage, which was extremely elegant, being acalash drawn by six fine long-tailed greys, adorned with ribbons, in theFrench taste; and thus we were conducted to a little enchanted, or atleast enchanting, palace, possessed by the duke, at one end of the town.The lower apartment, appropriated to me, was furnished with yellow andsilver, the bed surrounded with looking-glasses, and the door openedinto the garden, laid out in a cradle walk, and intervening parterres ofroses and other flowers. Above-stairs, my female companion lodged ina chamber furnished with chintz. We supped all together in the saloon,which, though small, was perfectly elegant. The company was alwaysgood-humoured, the conversation sprightly and joyous, and the scene,though often repeated, still delightful and entertaining.

  "At other times, Mr. S-- and I used to pass our evenings at the palaceof the prince of C--, which his highness lent us for our accommodation.The apartments opened into the gardens of the Luxembourg, and were, inpoint of magnificence, suitable to the owner. Thither I used to repairin a flaming equipage, on pretence of visiting, and spent the best partof the night with him who was dearer to me than all the princes in theworld.

  "While I was happily engaged in these ravishing parties, my little lordwas employed in his efforts to recover his health by restoratives, andI know not what; for he still lamented the enfeebling effects of hispassion, and complained that he loved me more like an angel than awoman, though he strove to govern his affections according to thedoctrines of the Christian religion, as he regulated his life by themaxims of Charles the Twelfth of Sweden. The meaning of this declarationI could never learn; and, indeed, I have been often tempted to believehe had no meaning at all.

  "Be that as it will, I found my size visibly increasing, and mysituation extremely uneasy, on account of the perpetual wrangling whichprevailed between us, in consequence of his desiring to sleep with meagain, after we had parted beds for the second time; and, that I mightno longer be exposed to such disagreeable persecutions, I resolved toleave him, though at the hazard of my life.

  "Thus determined, I went to the British ambassador, in a hackney-coach;and, in order to disguise my youth, which might have prepossessed himagainst my judgment, muffled myself up in a black hood, which, as hesaid, instead of lending an air of gravity to my countenance, added awildness to my looks, which was far from being disagreeable. He hadbeen a gallant man in his youth, and even then, though well strickenin years, was not insensible to the power of beauty. This disposition,perhaps, rendered him more favourable to my cause, though he firstadvised me to return to my husband; but finding me obstinate, heundertook to serve me in my own way, and procured a protection from theFrench king, by virtue of which I could live at Paris unmolested by mylord. Nevertheless, he advised me, if I was determined to leave him, tomake the best of my way to England and sue for a divorce. I relished hisopinion, and concealed myself about three days in Paris, during which Iborrowed some linen; for, as it was impossible to convey anything outof my own house without suspicion, I had neither clothes for myaccommodation, nor a servant to wait on me.

  "In this solitary condition, I took the road to Flanders, after I hadput my lord upon a wrong scent, by writing a letter to him, dated atCalais, and travelled through an unknown country, without any otherattendant than the postillion, being subjected to this inconvenience bythe laws of France, which are so severe in some particulars, that, ifany person had been apprehended with me, he would have suffered deathfor going off with a man's wife; though any man might go to bed withthat same woman, without fear of incurring any legal punishment.

  "I proceeded night and day without intermission, that I might the soonerreach Flanders, where I knew I should be safe; and as the nights wereexcessively cold, I was fain to wrap myself up in flannel, whichI bought for the purpose, as I had no clothes to keep me warm, andtravelled in an open chaise. While we passed through dreary woods, quiteremote from the habitations of men, I was not without apprehension ofbeing stripped and murdered by the postillion; and, in all probability,owed my safety to the indigence of my appearance, which might alsoprotect me in two miserable places, where I was obliged to lie, beforeI got out of the territories of France; for, as I could not reach thegreat towns where I intended to lodge, I was under the necessity ofputting up at little wretched hovels, where no provision was to be had,but sour brown bread, and sourer cheese; and everything seemed to denotethe dens of despair and assassination.

  "I made shift, however, to subsist on this fare, uncomfortable as itwas, confiding on the meanness of my equipage for the security of myperson; and at length arriving at Brussels, fixed my quarters in theHotel de Flandre (so well known to the English since), where I thoughtmyself extremely happy in the accomplishment of my flight.

  "I had not been two full days in this place, when I was blessed with thesight of my lover, who followed me on the wings of love, in pursuanceof the plan we had projected before my departure from Paris. Herewe concerted measures for proceeding to England. I hired a tall fineLiegeoise for my maid, and setting out for Ostend, we embarked in avessel, in which Mr. S-- had bespoke our passage. Our voyage was shortand prosperous, and our time most agreeably spent in the company of mydear partner, who was a most engaging man in all respects, as I dare saymy Lady C-- has since found him.

  "I assumed a fictitious name, took private lodgings in Poland-street,retained lawyers, and commenced a suit for separation against my lord.I communicated the reasons of my elopement to my father, who was shockedand surprised at my conduct, which he condemned with expressions ofsorrow and resentment. But the step was taken; nor did I repent of whatI had done, except on his account.

  "In the morning after my arrival at London, I waited upon the lord chiefjustice, to whom I complained of the usage I had received from my lord,whose temper was teasing, tiresome, and intolerably capricious. Indeed,his behaviour was a strange compound of madness and folly, seasonedwith a small proportion of sense. No wonder then, that I, who am hotand hasty, should be wretched, under the persecution of such a perversehumourist, who used to terrify me, and scold at me the whole nightwithout intermission, and shake my pillow from time to time, thatI might not sleep, while he tormented me with his disagreeableexpostulations. I have been often frightened almost out of my senses, atseeing him convulsed with the most unreasonable passion; and chagrinedto the highest degree of disgust, to find, by repeated observation, hisdisposition so preposterous, that his satisfaction and displeasure neverdepended upon the cause he had to be satisfied or disobliged; but, onthe contrary, when he had most reason to be pleased, he was always mostdiscontented, and very often in good-humour when he had reason enoughfor vexation.

  "While I lived in Poland-street, I was engaged with lawyers, and sooften visited by my father, that I could not dedicate my whole time asusual to my lover; nor was it convenient that he should be seen in mycompany: he therefore took a small house at Camberwell, whither I wentas often as I had an opportunity; and maintained the correspondence withsuch eagerness and industry, that, although I was six months gonewith child, I have often, by myself, set out for his habitation, in ahackney-coach, at eleven o'clock at night, and returned by six in themorning, that I might be in my own bed when my father came to seeme; for I concealed my amour, as well as the effects of it, from hisknowledge, and frequently took water from the bridge, that my motionsmight not be discovered. Nothing but the most passionate love could havesupported my spirits under such vicissitudes of fatigue, or enabled myadmirer to spend whole days by himself in such a solitary retirement.

  "By this time, my lord was arrived in England, and employed indiscovering the place of my retreat; so that I lived in continual alarm,and provided myself with a speaking-trumpet, which stood by my bedside,to be used in calling for assistance, in case my pursuer should make anattack upon my lodgings.

  "This situation being extremely uncomfortable, I had no sooner begun myprocess against him, than I put myself entirely under the protection ofMr. S--,
who conducted me to the house of a friend of his who lived inthe country, where I was secure from the attempts of my husband. Theworld had now given me up, and I had renounced the world with the mostperfect resignation. I weighed in my breast what I should lose in pointof character, with what I suffered in my peace at home, and found,that my reputation was not to be preserved, except at the expense ofmy quiet, for his lordship was not disposed to make me easy, had I beenever so discreet. I therefore determined to give up a few ceremonialvisits, and empty professions, for the more substantial enjoyments oflife.

  "We passed our time very agreeably in various amusements with thisfriend of Mr. S--, until the term of my reckoning was almost expired,then returned to London, and took lodgings in Southampton-street, whereI began to make the preparations for the approaching occasion. Here Iproposed to live with the utmost circumspection. I disguised my name,saw nobody but my lawyer and lover, and never approached the window lestI should be discovered by accident. Notwithstanding these precautions,my French maid, whom I had sent for some of my clothes, was dogged inher return, and next morning my lord took my lodgings by storm. Had hegiven the assault in his person only, I make no doubt but he would havesuffered a repulse from the opposition of the Liegeoise, who made allthe resistance in her power; but was obliged to give way to superiornumbers. I was at that time abed, and hearing an unusual noise below,rang my bell, in order to know the cause of such disturbance. I drew mycurtain at the same time, and who should I see entering my chamberbut his lordship, attended by a constable, and the footman who haddiscovered my retreat!

  "Such an unexpected visit could not fail to affect me with surpriseand consternation. However, I summoned all my fortitude to my aid, andperceiving the fellows were about to open my window-shutters, desiredtheir principal to order them down-stairs. He readily complied with myrequest, and sitting down by my bedside, told me with an air of triumph,that he had found me at last; and I frankly owned, that I was heartilysorry for his success. Instead of upbraiding me with my escape, heproceeded to entertain me with all the news in town, and gave me aminute detail of everything that happened to him since our parting;among other articles of intelligence, giving me to understand, that hehad challenged Mr. S--, who refused to fight him, and was in disgracewith the prince of W-- on that account.

  "But here his lordship did not strictly adhere to the naked truth. Hehad indeed, before our departure from the country, gone to my lover, andinsisted upon having satisfaction in Hyde Park, two days from the dateof his demand, and at three o'clock in the afternoon; S--, believinghim in earnest, accepted the invitation; though he observed, that theseaffairs could not be discussed too soon, and wished the time of meetingmight be an earlier hour. But his lordship did not choose to alter thecircumstances of his first proposal; and, when he went away, said heshould expect him at the appointed place and time, if it did not rain.

  "His antagonist gave me an account of the conversation, when I assuredhim the whole business would end in smoke. Accordingly, my lord sent hima letter on Monday, desiring that the assignation might be deferred tillThursday, that he might have time to settle his affairs, and pay S--a hundred pounds, which he had formerly borrowed of him. When Thursdaycame, he was favoured with another epistle, importing that thechallenger had changed his mind, and would seek satisfaction at law.Thus ended that heroic exploit, which his lordship now boasted of withsuch arrogant misrepresentation.

  "While he thus regaled me with these interesting particulars, I wascontriving a scheme to frustrate the discovery he had made; so that Idid not contradict his assertions, but told him, that, if he would godown-stairs, I would rise and come to breakfast. He consented to thisproposal with great cheerfulness; and I own I was not a little surprisedto find him, at this first interview, in as good a humour as if nothinghad happened to interrupt the felicity of our matrimonial union.

  "It cost me some invention to conceal my condition from his notice,being now within a week of the expected crisis. But I knew I had todo with a man of no great penetration, and succeeded in my attemptaccordingly. We breakfasted with great harmony, and I invited him todinner, after having prevailed upon him to send away his myrmidons,whom, nevertheless, he ordered to return at eleven o'clock at night. Weconversed together with great gaiety and mirth. When I rallied him forvisiting me in such a dishabille, he stood on tiptoe to view himself inthe glass; and, owning I was in the right, said he would go and dresshimself before dinner. He accordingly went away, charging my maid togive him entrance at his return; and he was no sooner gone than I wroteto Mr. S--, giving him an account of what had happened. Then, withouthaving determined on any certain plan, I huddled on my clothes, muffledmyself up, and calling a chair, went to the next tavern, where Istayed no longer than was sufficient to change my vehicle; and, to theastonishment of the drawers, who could not conceive the meaning ofmy perturbation, proceeded to a shop in the neighbourhood, where Idismissed my second chair, and procured a hackney-coach, in which Irepaired to the lodgings of my lawyer, whom I could trust. Having madehim acquainted with the circumstances of my distress, and consulted himabout a proper place of retreat, after some recollection, he directed meto a little house in a court, to which, by the assistance of my lover,my woman and clothes were safely conveyed that same evening.

  "My lord, however, came to dinner, according to invitation, and did notseem at all alarmed when my maid told him I was gone, but stepped to mylawyer to know if he thought I should return. Upon his answering in theaffirmative, and advising his lordship to go back in the meantime, andeat the dinner I had provided, he very deliberately took his advice,made a very hearty meal, drank his bottle of wine, and, as I did notreturn according to his expectation, withdrew in order to consult hisassociates. This motion of his furnished my woman with an opportunity ofmaking her retreat; and, when he returned at night, the coast was clear,and he found nobody in the house, but a porter, who had been left totake care of the furniture. He was so enraged at this disappointment,that he made a furious noise, which raised the whole neighbourhood,reinforced his crew with the authority of a justice of the peace,tarried in the street till three o'clock in the morning, discharged alodging he had hired at a barber's shop opposite to the house from whichI had escaped, and retired with the comfortable reflection of havingdone everything which a man could do to retrieve me.

  "The hurry of spirits and surprise I had undergone in effecting thisretreat, produced such a disorder in my constitution, that I beganto fear I should be delivered before I could be provided with thenecessaries for the occasion. I signified my apprehension to Mr.S--, who, with infinite care and concern, endeavoured to find a moreconvenient place; and, after all his inquiries, was obliged to fix upona paltry apartment in the city, though his tenderness was extremelyshocked at the necessity of choosing it. However, there was no remedy,nor time to be lost, To this miserable habitation I was carried in ahackney-coach; and, though extremely ill, bore my fate with spirit andresignation, in testimony of my sincere and indelible attachment tomy lover, for whose case and pleasure, I could have suffered everyinconvenience, and even sacrificed my life.

  "Immediately after I had taken possession of my wretched apartment, Iwas constrained by my indisposition to go to bed, and send for necessaryhelp; and in a few hours a living pledge of my love and indiscretion sawthe light, though the terrors and fatigue I had undergone had affectedthis little innocent so severely, that it scarce discovered anyvisible signs of life. My grief at this misfortune was inexpressible. Iforthwith despatched a message to the dear, the anxious father, who flewto my arms, and shared my sorrow, with all the gentleness of loveand parental fondness; yet our fears were, for that time, happilydisappointed by the recovery of our infant daughter, who was committedto the charge of a nurse in the neighbourhood; so that I could every daybe satisfied in my inquiries about her health. Thus I continued a wholefortnight in a state of happiness and tranquility, being blessed withthe conversation and tender offices of my admirer, whose love andattention I wholly engrossed. In a
word, he gave up all business andamusement, and concentrated all his care and assiduity in ministering tomy ease and satisfaction: and sure I had no cause to regret what I hadsuffered on his account.

  "But this my agreeable situation was one day disturbed by a mostalarming accident, by which my life was drawn into imminent danger. Theroom under my bed-chamber took fire: I immediately smelt it, and saw thepeople about me in the utmost perplexity and consternation, though theywould not own the true cause of their confusion, lest my health shouldsuffer in the fright. Nevertheless, I was so calm in my inquiries, thatthey ventured to tell me my suspicion was but too just; upon which Igave such directions as I thought would secure me from catching cold,in case there should be a necessity for removing me; but the fire beinghappily extinguished, I escaped that ceremony, which might have cost memy life. Indeed, it was surprising that the agitation of my spirits didnot produce some fatal effect upon my constitution; and I looked upon mydeliverance as the protection of a particular providence.

  "Though I escaped the hazard of a sudden removal, I found it was hightime to change my lodgings, because the neighbours rushing into thehouse, upon the alarm of fire, had discovered my situation, though theywere ignorant of my name; and I did not think myself safe in beingthe subject of their conjectures. Mr. S--, therefore, procured anothercompartment, with better accommodation, to which I was carried as soonas my health would admit of my removal; and soon after my lord wroteto me by the hands of my lawyer, earnestly entreating me to drop myprosecution, and come home; but I would not comply with his request; andnothing was farther from my intention than the desire of receiving anyfavours at his hands.

  "Thus repulsed, he set on foot a most accurate search for my person; inthe course of which he is said to have detected several ladies and younggirls, who had reasons for keeping themselves concealed; and had liketo have been very severely handled for his impertinent curiosity. Beingunsuccessful in all his attempts, he entered into a treaty with oneSir R-- H--, a person of a very indifferent character, who undertookto furnish him with an infallible expedient to discover the place of myabode, if he would gratify him with a bond for a thousand pounds; whichbeing executed accordingly, this worthy knight advertised me and my maidin the public papers, offering one hundred pounds as a reward to anyperson who should disclose the place of our retirement.

  "As soon as the paper fell into my hands, I was again involved inperplexity; and, being afraid of staying in town, resolved, with theconcurrence of my lover, to accept of an invitation I had received fromthe duke of K--, who had by this time arrived in England, with that ladywhom I have already mentioned as one of our parties at Paris. Havingvisited my little infant, I next day set out for the duke's countryseat, which is a most elegant chateau, and stands in a charmingsituation. Mr. S--- followed in a few days. We met with a very cordialreception; his grace was civil and good-natured, lived nobly, and lovedpleasure; Madame de la T-- was formed to please. There was always agreat deal of company in the house; so that we passed our time agreeablyin playing at billiards and cards, hunting, walking, reading, andconversation.

  "But my terms of happiness were generally of short duration. In themidst of this felicity I was overtaken by a most severe affliction, inthe death of my dear hapless infant, who had engrossed a greater shareof my tenderness than perhaps I even should have paid to the offspringof a legitimate contract; because the circumstance of her birth wouldhave been an insurmountable misfortune to her through the whole courseof her life, and rendered her absolutely dependent on my love andprotection.

  "While I still lamented the untimely fate of this fair blossom, Lord-- came down, and demanded me as his wife; but the suit which I thenmaintained against him deprived him, for the present, of a husband'sright; and therefore the duke would not deliver me into his hands.In six months he repeated his visit and demand; and an agreement waspatched up, in consequence of which I consented to live in the samehouse with him, on condition that he should never desire to sleep withme, or take any other measure to disturb my peace; otherwise I shouldbe at liberty to leave him again, and entitled to the provision of aseparate maintenance. To these articles I assented, by the advice of mylawyers, with a view of obtaining the payment of my pin-money, which Ihad never received since our parting, but subsisted on the sale of myjewels, which were very considerable, and had been presented to me withfull power of alienation. As to my lover, he had no fortune to supportme; and for that reason I was scrupulously cautious of augmenting hisexpense.

  "We had now enjoyed each other's company for three years, during whichour mutual passions had suffered no abatement, nor had my happiness beenmixed with any considerable alloy, except that late stroke of providencewhich I have already mentioned, and the reflection of the sorrow thatmy conduct had entailed upon my dear father, whom I loved beyondexpression, and whom nothing could have compelled me to disoblige but amore powerful flame, that prevailed over every other consideration. As Iwas now forced to break off this enchanting correspondence, it is not tobe doubted that our parting cost us the most acute sensations of griefand disappointment. However, there was no remedy. I tore myself fromhis arms, took my leave of the family, after having acknowledged myobligations to the duke, and set out for the place of rendezvous, whereI was met by my lord, attended by a steward whom he had lately engaged,and who was one chief cause of our future separations. My lord, havingquitted his house in town, conducted me to his lodgings in Pall Mall,and insisted upon sleeping with me the first night; but I refused togratify his desire, on the authority of our agreement.

  "This dispute produced a quarrel, in consequence of which I attempted toleave the house. He endeavouring to prevent my retreat, I fairly lockedhim in, ran down-stairs, and, calling a hackney-coach, made the best ofmy way into the city, to my father's lodgings, where I lay, the familybeing in town, though he himself was in the country. I wrote to himimmediately; and, when he came to London, declared my intention ofseparating from my lord; in which, seeing me obstinate and determined,he at length acquiesced, and a formal separation accordingly ensued,which at that time I thought binding and immutable.

  "I was now sheltered under the wings of an indulgent father, who hadtaken me into favour again, on the supposition that my commerce with Mr.S-- was absolutely at an end. Nevertheless, though we had separated,in all appearance for ever, we had previously agreed to maintain ourcorrespondence in private interviews, which should escape the notice ofthe world, with which I was again obliged to keep some measures.

  "Our parting at the duke of K--'s house in the country was attended withall the genuine marks of sincere and reciprocal affection, and I livedin the sweet hope of seeing him again, in all the transport of hisformer passion, when my lawyer, who received my letters, brought me abillet one night, just as I had gone to bed. Seeing the superscriptionof S--'s handwriting, I opened it with all the impatience of an absentlover; but how shall I describe the astonishment and consternation withwhich I was seized, when I perused the contents! Instead of the mosttender vows and protestations, this fatal epistle began with, Madam,the best thing you can do is to return to your father, or some cold andkilling expression to that effect.

  "Heaven and earth! what did I feel at this dire conjuncture! the lightforsook my eyes, a cold sweat bedewed my limbs, and I was overwhelmedwith such a torrent of sorrow and surprise, that everybody presentbelieved I would have died under the violent agitation. They endeavouredto support my spirits with repeated draughts of strong liquor, which hadno sensible effect upon my constitution, though for eight whole yearsI had drunk nothing stronger than water; and I must have infalliblyperished in the first ecstasy of my grief, had it not made its way ina fit of tears and exclamation, in which I continued all night, to theamazement of the family, whom my condition had alarmed, and raised fromtheir repose. My father was the only person who guessed the cause ofmy affliction; he said he was sure I had received some ill-usage ina letter or message from that rascal S--; so he termed him in thebitterness of passion.

 
"At mention of that name, my agony redoubled to such a degree thatall who were present wept at sight of my deplorable condition. My poorfather shed a flood of tears, and conjured me to tell him the cause ofmy disquiet; upon which, rather than confess the truth, I amused hisconcern by pretending that my lover was ill. The whole family havingstayed by me till I was a little more composed, left me to the care ofmy maid, who put me into bed about six in the morning, but I enjoyed norest. I revolved every circumstance of my conduct, endeavouring to findout the cause of this fatal change in S--'s disposition; and as I couldrecollect nothing which could justly give offence, concluded that somemalicious persons had abused his ears with stories to my prejudice.

  "With this conjecture I got up, and sent my lawyer to him with a letter,wherein I insisted upon seeing him, that I might have an opportunity ofjustifying myself in person; a task which would be easily performed,as I had never offended, but in loving too well. I waited with the mostanxious impatience for the return of my messenger, who brought me ananswer couched in the coldest terms of civility which indifferencecould dictate; acknowledging, however, that he had nothing to lay to mycharge, but that it was for the good of us both that we should part. Heought to have reflected on that before, not after I had sacrificed myall for his love! I was well-nigh distracted by this confirmation ofhis inconstancy; and I wonder to this day how I retained the use of myreason under such circumstances of horror and despair! My grief laidaside all decorum and restraint; I told my father that S-- was dying,and that I would visit him with all expedition.

  "Startled at the proposal, this careful parent demonstrated the fatalconsequence of such an unguarded step, reminded me of the difficultywith which he had prevailed upon my mother and uncle to forgive myformer imprudence, observed that his intention was to carry me into thecountry next day, in order to effect a perfect reconciliation; but nowI was on the brink of forfeiting all pretensions to their regard, bycommitting another fatal error, which could not possibly be retrieved;and that, for his part, whatever pangs it might cost him, he wasresolved to banish me from his sight for ever.

  "While he uttered this declaration, the tears trickled down his cheeks,and he seemed overwhelmed with the keenest sorrow and mortification;so it may be easily conceived what were the impressions of my grief,reinforced with the affliction of a father whom I dearly loved, and theconsciousness of being the cause of all his disquiet! I was struck dumbwith remorse and woe; and, when I recovered the use of speech, I toldhim how sensible I was of his great goodness and humanity, and ownedhow little I deserved his favour and affection; that the sense of my ownunworthiness was one cause of my present distraction; for such was thecondition of my fate, that I must either see S-- or die. I said,though I could not expect his forgiveness, I was surely worthy of hiscompassion; that nothing but the most irresistible passion could havemisled me at first from my duty, or tempted me to incur the least degreeof his displeasure; that the same fatal influence still prevailed, andwould, in all probability, continue to the grave, which was the onlyabode in which I hoped for peace.

  "While I expressed myself in this manner, my dear good father wept withthe most tender sympathy, and, saying I might do as I pleased, for hehad done with me, quitted the room, leaving me to the cruel sensationsof my own heart, which almost burst with anguish, upbraiding me with afault which I could not help committing. I immediately hired achariot and six, and would have set out by myself, had not my father'saffection, which all my errors could not efface, provided an attendant.He saw me quite delirious and desperate; and therefore engaged arelation of my own to accompany and take care of me in this rashexpedition.

  "During this journey, which lasted two days, I felt no remissionof grief and anxiety, but underwent the most intolerable sorrow andsuspense. At last we arrived at a little house called the Hut, onSalisbury Plain, where, in the most frantic agitation, I wrote a letterto S--, describing the miserable condition to which I was reduced byhis unkindness, and desiring to see him, with the most earnestsolicitations. This billet I committed to the care of my attendant, andlaid strong injunctions upon him to tell Mr. S--, my injuries were sogreat, and my despair so violent, that, if he did not favour me with avisit, I would go to him, though at his sister's house, where he thenwas.

  "He received my message with great coldness, and told my friend, that,if I would return to London without insisting upon the interview Idemanded, he would, in a little time, follow me to town, and everythingshould be amicably adjusted; but when the messenger assured him, thatI was too much transported with grief to hear of such a proposal, heconsented to meet me in the middle of Salisbury Plain, that we mightavoid all observation. And though I was little able to walk, I setout for the place of assignation, my companion following at a smalldistance.

  "When I saw him leading his horse down the hill, I collected all myfortitude, and advanced to him with all the speed I could exert; butwhen I made an effort to speak, my tongue denied its office, and solively was the expression of unutterable sorrow in my countenance, thathis heart, hard as it was, melted at the sight of my sufferings, whichhe well knew proceeded from the sincerity of my love. At length Irecovered the use of speech enough to tell him, that I was come to takemy leave; and, when I would have proceeded, my voice failed me again.But, after a considerable pause, I found means, with great difficulty,to let him know how sensible I was of my own incapacity to retrievehis lost affections; but that I was willing, if possible, to retainhis esteem, of which could I be assured, I would endeavour to composemyself; that I was determined to leave the kingdom, because I could notbear the sight of those places where we had been so happy in our mutuallove; and that, till my departure, I hoped he would visit me sometimes,that I might, by degrees, wean myself from his company; for I should notbe able to survive the shock of being deprived of him all at once.

  "This address may seem very humble to an unconcerned observer; but lovewill tame the proudest disposition, as plainly appeared in my case; forI had naturally as much spirit, or more, than the generality of peoplehave. Mr. S-- was so much confounded at the manner of my behaviour,that he scarce knew what answer to make; for, as he afterwards owned,he expected to hear himself upbraided; but he was not proof against mytenderness. After some hesitation, he said, he never meant to forsakeme entirely, that his affection was still unimpaired, and that he wouldfollow me directly to London. I imposed upon myself, and believed whathe said, because I could not bear to think of parting with him for ever,and returned to town in a more tranquil state of mind than that in whichI had left my father, though my heart was far from being at ease; myfears being ingenious enough to foresee, that I should never be able toovercome his indifference.

  "I took lodgings in Mount-street, and my maid having disposed of herselfin marriage, hired another, who supplied her place very much to mysatisfaction. She was a good girl, had a particular attachment tome, and for many years, during which she lived in my service, wasindefatigably assiduous in contributing to my ease, or rather inalleviating my affliction. For, though S-- came up to town according topromise, and renewed a sort of correspondence with me for the space offive months, his complaisance would extend no farther; and he gave meto understand, that he had determined to go abroad with Mr. V--; whom heaccordingly accompanied in his envoying to D--.

  "I understood the real cause of this expedition, which, notwithstandinghis oaths and protestations of unabated love and regard, I construedinto a palpable mark of dislike and disrespect; nor could the repeatedassurances I received from him in letters mitigate the anguish andmortification that preyed upon my heart. I therefore gave up all hopesof recovering the happiness I had lost. I told him on the eve of hisdeparture, that he might exercise his gallantry a great while, before hewould meet with my fellow, in point of sincerity and love; for I wouldrather have been a servant in his house, with the privilege of seeinghim, than the queen of England debarred of that pleasure.

  "When he took his leave, and went down-stairs, I shrunk at every step hemade, as if a new wound h
ad been inflicted upon me and when I heard thedoor shut behind him, my heart died within me. I had the satisfactionto hear afterwards, he lamented the loss of me prodigiously, and that hehad never been so happy since. I sat down to write a letter, in which Iforgave his indifference, because I knew the affections are altogetherinvoluntary, and wished him all the happiness he deserved. I then walkedup and down the room in the most restless anxiety, was put to bed by mymaid, rose at six, mounted my horse and rode forty miles, in order tofatigue myself that I might next night enjoy some repose. This exerciseI daily underwent for months together; and, when it did not answer mypurpose, I used to walk round Hyde-park in the evening, when the placewas quite solitary and unvisited by any other human creature.

  "In the course of this melancholy perambulation, I was one day accostedby a very great man, who, after the first salutation, asked whether ornot my intercourse with S-- was at an end, and if I had any allowancefrom my husband. To the first of these questions I replied in theaffirmative; and to the last answered, that my lord did not allow me agreat deal; indeed, I might have truly said nothing at all; but I wastoo proud to own my indigence. He then expressed his wonder, how onelike me, who had been used to splendour and affluence from my cradle,could make shift to live in my present narrow circumstances; and, when Itold him that I could make a very good shift, so I had peace, he seemedto lament my situation, and very kindly invited me to sup with his wifeat his house. I accepted the invitation, without any apprehension ofthe consequence; and, when I went to the place, was introduced into anapartment magnificently lighted up, I suppose, for my reception.

  "After I had stayed alone for some time in this mysterious situation,without seeing a living soul, my inviter appeared, and said, he hopedI would not take it amiss that he and I were to sup by ourselves, as hehad something to say, which could not be so properly communicated beforecompany or servants. I then, for the first time, perceived his drift,to my no small surprise and indignation; and, with evident marks ofdispleasure, told him, I was sure he had nothing to propose that wouldbe agreeable to my inclination, and that I would immediately leave thehouse. Upon which he gave me to understand, that I could not possiblyretire, because he had sent away my chair, and all his servants weredisposed to obey his orders.

  "Incensed at this declaration, which I considered as an insult, Ianswered, with an air of resolution, it was very well; I despised hiscontrivance, and was afraid of nothing. Seeing me thus alarmed, heassured me I had no reason to be afraid; that he had loved me long, andcould find no other opportunity of declaring his passion. He said theQ-- had told him that Lord -- had renewed his addresses to me; and,as he understood from my own mouth, my correspondence with S-- wasabsolutely broke off, he thought himself as well entitled as another tomy regard. In conclusion, he told me that I might command his purse, andthat he had power enough to bring me into the world again with eclat. Tothese advances I replied, that he was very much mistaken in his opinionof my character, if he imagined I was to be won by any temptations offortune; and very frankly declared, that I would rather give myself to afootman, than sell myself to a prince.

  "Supper being served, we sat down together; but I would neither eatnor drink anything, except a little bread and water; for I was an oddwhimsical girl, and it came into my head, that he might perhaps havemixed something in the victuals or wine, which would alter my way ofthinking. In short, finding himself baffled in all his endeavours, hepermitted me about twelve o'clock to depart in peace, and gave up hissuit as a desperate cause.

  "This uncomfortable life did I lead for a whole twelvemonth, withoutfeeling the least abatement of my melancholy. Finding myself worn to askeleton, I resumed my former resolution of trying to profit by changeof place, and actually went abroad, with no other attendant than mywoman, and the utmost indifference for life. My intention was to havegone to the south of France, where I thought I could have subsisted onthe little I had left, which amounted to five hundred pounds, until theissue of my law-suit, by which I hoped to obtain some provision from mylord; and, without all doubt, my expectation would have been answered,had I put this my plan in execution; but, being at Paris, from whenceI proposed to set forward in a few days, I sent to M. K--, who had beenformerly intimate with my father, and shown me many civilities during myfirst residence in France.

  "This gentleman favoured me with a visit, and, when I made himacquainted with my scheme, dissuaded me from it, as an uncomfortabledetermination. He advised me to stay at Paris, where, with good economy,I could live as cheap as in any other place, and enjoy the conversationand countenance of my friends, among which number he declared himselfone of the most faithful. He assured me, that I should be always welcometo his table, and want for nothing. He promised to recommend me as alodger to a friend of his, with whom I would live in a frugal and decentmanner; and observed, that, as the woman was well known and esteemed byall the English company in Paris, it would be the most reputable stepI could take, considering my youth and situation, to lodge with acreditable person, who could answer for my conduct. Thus persuaded, Ivery simply followed his advice; I say simply, because, notwithstandinghis representations, I soon found my money melt away, without anyprospect of a fresh supply. In lieu of this, however, I passed my timevery agreeably in several English and some French families, where, in alittle time, I became quite intimate, saw a great deal of company, andwas treated with the utmost politeness and regard; yet, in the midst ofthese pleasures, many a melancholy sigh would rise at the remembrance ofmy beloved S--, whom, for several years, I could not recollect withoutemotion; but time, company, amusements, and change of place, in a greatmeasure dissipated these ideas, and enabled me to bear my fate withpatience and resignation.

  "On my last arrival at Paris, I was surrounded by a crowd of professedadmirers, who sighed and flattered in the usual forms; but, besidesthat my heart was not in a condition to contract new engagements, I wasprepossessed against them all, by supposing that they presumed uponthe knowledge of my indiscretion with S--; and therefore rejected theiraddresses with detestation and disdain; for, as I have already observed,I was not to be won but by the appearance of esteem, and the mostrespectful carriage; and though, by a false step, I had, in my ownopinion, forfeited my title to the one, I was resolved to discourage theadvances of any man who seemed deficient in the other.

  "In this manner my lovers were one by one repulsed, almost as soon asthey presented themselves, and I preserved the independence of my heart,until I became acquainted with a certain peer, whom I often saw at thehouse of Mrs. P--, an English lady then resident at Paris. This youngnobleman professed himself deeply enamoured of me, in a style sodifferent from that of my other admirers, that I heard his protestationswithout disgust; and, though my inclinations were still free, could notfind in my heart to discountenance his addresses, which were preferredwith the most engaging modesty, disinterestedness, and respect.

  "By these never-failing arts, he gradually conquered my indifference,and gained the preference in my esteem from Lord C-- and the prince ofC--, who were at that time his rivals. But what contributed more thanany consideration to his success was his declaring openly, that he wouldmarry me without hesitation, as soon as I could obtain a divorce frommy present husband, which, in all probability, might have been easilyprocured; for, before I left England, Lord -- had offered me fivethousand pounds if I would consent to such a mutual release, that hemight be at liberty to espouse one Miss W--, of Kent, to whom he thenmade love upon honourable terms; but I was fool enough to refuse hisproposal, by the advice of S--. And whether or not his lordship, findingit impracticable to wed his new mistress, began to make love uponanother footing, I know not; but, certain it is, the mother forbadehim the house, a circumstance which he took so heinously ill, thathe appealed to the world in a public advertisement, beginning with'Whereas, for some time, I have passionately loved Miss W--, and, uponmy not complying with the mother's proposals, they have turned me out ofdoors, this is to justify,' etc.

  "This declaration,
signed with his name, was actually printed in anumber of detached advertisements, which he ordered to be distributed tothe public; and afterwards, being convinced by some of his friendsthat he had done a very silly thing, he recalled them at half a guineaapiece. A copy of one of them was sent to me at Paris, and I believe myfather has now one of the originals in his possession. After this wisevindication of his conduct, he made an attempt to carry off the ladyfrom church by force of arms; but she was rescued by the neighbours,headed by her brother, who, being an attorney, had like to have made hislordship smart severely for this exploit.

  "Meanwhile my new admirer had made some progress in my heart; and, myfinances being exhausted, I was reduced to the alternative of returningto Lord -- again, or accepting Earl B--'s love. When my affairs werebrought to an issue, I made no hesitation in my choice, putting myselfunder the protection of a man of honour whom I esteemed, rather thansuffer every sort of mortification from a person who was the object ofmy abhorrence and contempt. From a mistaken pride, I chose to live inLord B--'s house, rather than be maintained at his expense in anotherplace. We spent several months agreeably in balls and other diversions,visited Lord B--, who lived at the distance of a few leagues from Paris,and stayed some days at his house, where the entertainment was, in allrespects, delightful, elegant, and refined. Their habitation was therendezvous of the best company in France; and Lady B-- maintainedthe same superiority in her own sex, for which her lord is so justlydistinguished among the men.

  "About Christmas we set out for England, accompanied by a little NorthBriton, who lived with Lord B-- as his companion, and did not at allapprove of our correspondence; whether out of real friendship for hispatron, or apprehension that in time I might supersede his own influencewith my lord, I shall not pretend to determine. Be that as it will, thefrost was so severe, that we were detained ten days at Calais beforewe could get out of the harbour; and, during that time, I reflectedseriously on what my new lover proposed. As he was very young, andunacquainted with the world, I thought my story might have escaped him;and therefore determined to give him a faithful detail of the whole,that he might not have anything to reproach me with in the sequel;besides, I did not think it honest to engage him to do more for methan he might afterwards perhaps think I was worth. Accordingly, Icommunicated to him every particular of my life; and the narration,far from altering his sentiments, rather confirmed his good opinion, byexhibiting an undoubted proof of my frankness and sincerity. In short,he behaved with such generosity, as made an absolute conquest of myheart. But my love was of a different kind from that which had formerlyreigned within my breast, being founded upon the warmest gratitude andesteem, exclusive of any other consideration, though his person was veryagreeable, and his address engaging.

  "When we arrived in England, I went directly to his country seat, abouttwelve miles from London, where he soon joined me, and we lived sometime in perfect retirement. His relations being greatly alarmed with theapprehension that Lord -- would bring an action against him, though hehimself desired nothing more, and lived so easy under that expectation,that they soon laid aside their fears on his account.

  "We were visited by Mr. H. B--, a relation of my lord, and one Mr. R--,of the Guards, who, with the little Scotchman and my lover, made anagreeable set, among whom I enjoyed hunting, and all manner of countrydiversions. As to Mr. H. B--, if ever there was perfection in oneman, it centred in him; or, at least, he, of all the men I ever knew,approached the nearest to that idea which I had conceived of a perfectcharacter. He was both good and great, possessed an uncommon genius, andthe best of hearts. Mr. R-- was a very sociable man, had a good person,and cultivated understanding; and my lord was excessively good-humoured;so that, with such companions, no place could be dull or insipid. Formy own part, I conducted the family; and, as I endeavoured to please andmake everybody happy, I had the good fortune to succeed. Mr. B-- toldme, that before he saw me, he heard I was a fool; but finding, as he waspleased to say, that I had been egregiously misrepresented, he courtedmy friendship, and a correspondence commenced between us. Indeed, it wasimpossible for any person to know him, without entertaining the utmostesteem and veneration for his virtue.

  "After I had lived some time in this agreeable retreat, my husband beganto make a bustle. He sent a message, demanding me from Lord B--; thencame in person, with his nightcap in his pocket, intending to havestayed all night, had he been asked, and attended by a relation, whomhe assured that I was very fond of him, and detained by force from hisarms. Finding himself disappointed in his expectations, he commenced alaw-suit against Lord B--, though not for a divorce, as we desired,but with a view to reclaim me as his lawful wife. His lawyers, however,attempted to prove criminal conversation, in hopes of extorting moneyfrom my lover. But their endeavours were altogether fruitless; for noservant of Lord B--'s or mine could with justice say we were ever seento trespass against modesty and decorum; so that the plaintiff wasnonsuited. While this cause was depending, all my lover's friendsexpressed fear and concern for the issue, while he himself behaved withthe utmost resolution, and gave me such convincing proofs of a strongand steady affection, as augmented my gratitude, and riveted the ties ofmy love, which was unblemished, faithful, and sincere.

  "Soon after this event, I was seized with a violent fit of illness, inwhich I was visited by my father, and attended by two physicians, one ofwhom despaired of my life, and took his leave accordingly; but Dr.S--, who was the other, persisted in his attendance, and, in all humanappearance, saved my life; a circumstance by which he acquired a greatshare of reputation. Yet, notwithstanding all his assistance, I wasconfined to my bed for ten weeks; during which Lord B--'s grief wasimmoderate, his care and generosity unlimited. While I lay in thisextremity, Mr. S--, penetrated by my melancholy condition, which revivedhis tenderness, begged leave to be admitted to my presence; and Lord B--would have complied with his request, had I not been judged too weak tobear the shock of such an interview. My constitution, however, agreeablydisappointed my fears; and the fever had no sooner left me, than I wasremoved to a hunting seat belonging to my lover, from whence, after Ihad recovered my strength, we went to B-- castle, where we kept openhouse. And, while we remained at this place, Lord B-- received a letterfrom Lord --, dated in November, challenging him to single combat inMay, upon the frontiers of France and Flanders. This defiance wassent in consequence of what had passed between them long before myindisposition, at a meeting in a certain tavern, where they quarrelled,and in the fray, my lover threw his antagonist under the table. Icounselled him to take no notice of this rhodomontade, which I knew wasvoid of all intention of performance; and he was wise enough to followmy advice, resolved, however, should the message be repeated, to takethe challenger at his word.

  "Having resided some time at this place, we returned to the othercountry house which he had left, where Lord B-- addicted himself somuch to hunting, and other male diversions, that I began to think heneglected me, and apprised him of my suspicion, assuring him, at thesame time, that I would leave him as soon as my opinion should beconfirmed. This declaration had no effect upon his behaviour, whichbecame so remarkably cold, that even Mr. R--, who lived with us,imagined that his affection was palpably diminished. When I went totown, I was usually attended by his cousin, or this gentleman, or both,but seldom favoured with his company; nay, when I repaired to Bath, forthe re-establishment of my health, he permitted me to go alone; so thatI was quite persuaded of his indifference; and yet I was mistaken in myopinion. But I had been spoiled by the behaviour of my first husband,and Mr. S--, who never quitted me for the sake of any amusement, andoften resisted the calls of the most urgent business, rather than partfrom me, though but for a few hours. I thought every man who loved metruly would act in the same manner; and, whether I am right or wrongin my conjectures, I leave wiser casuists to judge. Certain it is,such sacrifice and devotion is the most pleasing proof of an admirer'spassion; and, Voyez-moi plus souvent, et ne me donnez rien, is one of myfavourite maxims. A man may give
money, because he is profuse; he maybe violently fond, because he is of a sanguine constitution. But, if hegives me his time, he gives me an unquestionable proof of my being infull possession of his heart.

  "My appearance at Bath, without the company of Lord B--, occasioned ageneral surprise, and encouraged the men to pester me with addresses,every new admirer endeavouring to advance his suit by demonstrating theunkind and disrespectful behaviour of his lordship. Indeed, this wasthe most effectual string they could touch. My pride and resentment werealarmed, I was weak enough to listen to one man, who had like to haveinsinuated himself into my inclinations. He was tall and large-boned,with white hair, inclining to what is called sandy, and had thereputation of being handsome, though I think he scarce deserved thatepithet. He possessed a large fortune, loved mischief, and stuckat nothing for the accomplishment of his designs, one of his chiefpleasures being that of setting any two lovers at variance. He employedhis address upon me with great assiduity, and knew so well how tomanage my resentment, that I was pleased with his manner, heard his vowswithout disgust, and, in a word, promised to deliberate with myself uponhis proposals, and give him an account of my determination in writing.

  "Thus resolved, I went to Lord B--, in Wiltshire, whither I was followedby this pretender to my heart, who visited us on the footing of anacquaintance; but when I reflected on what I had done, I condemned myown conduct as indiscreet, though nothing decisive had passed betweenus, and began to hate him in proportion to the self-conviction I felt,perceiving that I had involved myself in a difficulty from which Ishould not be easily disengaged. For the present, however, I found meansto postpone my declaration. He admitted my excuse, and I returned toLondon with Lord B--, who was again summoned to the field by his formerchallenger.

  "H--d--n, governor, counsellor, and steward to this little hero, came toLord B-- with a verbal message, importing that his lordship had changedhis mind about going to Flanders, but expected to meet him, on sucha day and hour, in the burying-ground near Red Lion-square. Lord B--accepted the challenge, and gave me an account of what had passed; buthe had been anticipated by the messenger, who had already tried to alarmmy fears from the consideration of the consequence, that I might takesome measures to prevent their meeting. I perceived his drift, and toldhim plainly, that Lord ---- had no intention to risk his person, thoughhe endeavoured with all his might to persuade me, that his principal wasdesperate and determined. I knew my little husband too well to thinkhe would bring matters to any dangerous issue, and was apprehensive ofnothing but foul play, from the villainy of H--d--n, with which I wasequally well acquainted. Indeed, I signified my doubts on that score toMr. B--, who would have attended his kinsman to the field, had he notthought he might be liable to censure, if anything should happen to LordB--, because he himself was heir at law: for that reason he judiciouslydeclined being personally concerned; and we pitched upon the earl ofA--, his lordship's uncle, who willingly undertook the office.

  "At the appointed time they went to the house of rendezvous, where theyhad not waited long when the challenger appeared, in a new pink satinwaistcoat, which he had put on for the occasion, with his sword underhis arm, and his steward by him, leaving, in a hackney-coach at somedistance, a surgeon whom he had provided for the care of his person.Thus equipped he advanced to his antagonist, and desired him to choosehis ground; upon which Lord B-- told him, that if he must fall, it wasnot material which grave he should tumble over.

  "Our little hero, finding him so jocose and determined, turned toLord A--, and desired to speak with him, that he might disburden hisconscience before they should begin the work of death. They accordinglywent aside; and he gave him to understand, that his motive for fighting,was Lord B--'s detaining his wife from him by compulsion. The earl ofA-- assured him, he was egregiously mistaken in his conjecture; that hisnephew used no force or undue influence to keep me in his house; but itcould not be expected that he would turn me out of doors.

  "This explanation was altogether satisfactory to Lord --, who said hewas far from being so unreasonable as to expect Lord B-- would commitsuch a breach of hospitality; and all he desired was, that his wifeshould be left to her own inclinations. Upon these articles, peace wasconcluded, and they parted without bloodshed. At least these are theparticulars of the story, as they were related by Lord A--, with whomI laughed heartily at the adventure, for I never doubted that thechallenger would find some expedient to prevent the duel, though Iwondered how he mustered up resolution enough to carry it so far.

  "That he might not, however, give us any more trouble, we resolved togo and enjoy ourselves in France, whither I went by myself, in hopes ofbeing soon joined by my lover, who was obliged to stay some time longerin England, to settle his affairs. He was so much affected at ourparting, though but for a few weeks, that he was almost distracted.And this affliction renewed my tenderness for him, because it was anundoubted proof of his love. I wrote to him every post from France; and,as I had no secrets, desired him to take care of all the letters thatshould come to his house, directed to me, after my departure fromEngland.

  "This was an unfortunate office for him, in the execution of which hechanced to open a letter from Sir T-- A--, with whom, as I have alreadyobserved, I had some correspondence at Bath. I had according to mypromise, given this gentleman a decisive answer, importing that Iwas determined to remain in my present situation; but as Lord B-- wasignorant of my sentiments in that particular, and perceived from theletter that something extraordinary had passed between us, and thatI was earnestly solicited to leave him, he was seized with the utmostconsternation and concern; and, having previously obtained the king'sleave to go abroad, set out that very night for France, leaving hisaffairs in the greatest confusion.

  "Sir T-- A-- hearing I was gone, without understanding the cause of mydeparture, took the same route, and both arrived at Dover next day. Theyheard of each other's motions. Each bribed the master of a packet-boatto transport him with expedition; but that depending upon the wind, bothreached Calais at the same time, though in different vessels. SirT-- sent his valet-de-chambre post, with a letter, entreating me toaccompany him into Italy, where he would make me mistress of his wholefortune, and to set out directly for that country, that he might notlose me by the arrival of Lord B--, promising to join me on the road,if I would consent to make him happy. I sent his messenger back withan answer, wherein I expressed surprise at his proposals, after havingsignified my resolution to him before I left England. He was scarcedismissed, when I received another letter from Lord B--, beseeching meto meet him at Clermont, upon the road from Calais; and conjuring meto avoid the sight of his rival, should he get the start of him intravelling. This, however, was not likely to be the case, as Lord B--rode post, and the other was, by his corpulence, obliged to travel ina chaise; yet, that I might not increase his anxiety, I left Parisimmediately on the receipt of his message, and met him at the appointedplace, where he received me with all the agitation of joy and fear,and asked if I had ever encouraged Sir T-- A-- in his addresses. I verycandidly told him the whole transaction, at which he was incensed; buthis indignation was soon appeased, when I professed my penitence, andassured him that I had totally rejected his rival. Not that I approvedof my behaviour to Sir T--, who, I own, was ill-used in this affair; butsurely it was more excusable to halt here, than proceed farther in myindiscretion.

  "My lover being satisfied with my declaration, we went together toParis, being attended by the Scotchman, whom I have already mentioned,though I believe he was not over and above well pleased to see mattersthus amicably compromised. The furious knight followed us to thecapital; insisted on seeing me in person; told this North Briton, thatI was actually engaged to him; wrote every hour, and railed at myperfidious conduct. I took no notice of these delirious transports,which were also disregarded by Lord B--, till, one night, he wasexasperated by the insinuations of Mr. C--, who, I believe, inflamedhis jealousy, by hinting a suspicion that I was really in love with hisrival. What passed betwixt them
I know not, but he sent for me from theopera, by a physician of Paris, who was a sort of go-between among usall, and who told me, that, if I did not come home in the instant, aduel would be fought on my account.

  "I was very much shocked at this information; but, by being used toalarms from the behaviour of Lord --, I had acquired a pretty good shareof resolution, and with great composure entered the room where Lord B--was, with his companion, whom I immediately ordered to withdraw. I thengave his lordship to understand, that I was informed of what had passed,and thought myself so much injured by the person who had just quittedthe apartment, that I would no longer live under the same roof withhim. Lord B-- raved like a bedlamite, taxing me with want of candour andaffection; but I easily justified my own integrity, and gave him suchassurances of my love, that his jealousy subsided, and his spirits wererecomposed. Nevertheless, I insisted upon his dismissing Mr. C--, onpain of my leaving the house, as I could not help thinking he had usedhis endeavours to prejudice me in the opinion of my lord. If his conductwas the result of friendship for his patron, he certainly acted the partof an honest and trusty adherent. But I could not easily forgivehim, because, a few weeks before, he had, by my interest, obtained aconsiderable addition to his allowance; and even after the steps he hadtaken to disoblige me, I was not so much his enemy but that I prevailedupon Lord B-- to double his salary, that his leaving the family mightbe no detriment to his fortune. His lordship having complied with mydemand, this gentleman, after having stayed three days in the house,to prepare for his departure, during which I would not suffer him to beadmitted into my presence, made his retreat with a fine young girl, whowas my companion; and I have never seen him since that time.

  "Sir T-- still continued furious, and would not take a denial, exceptfrom my own mouth, upon which, with the approbation of Lord B--, Iindulged him with an interview. He entered the apartment with a sterncountenance, and told me I had used him ill. I pleaded guilty to thecharge, and begged his pardon accordingly. I attempted to reason thecase with him, but he would hear no arguments except his own, and eventried to intimidate me with threats; which provoked me to such a degree,that I defied his vengeance. I told him, that I feared nothing but thereport of my own conscience; that, though I had acted a simple part, hedurst not say there was anything criminal in my conduct, and that, fromhis present frantic and unjust behaviour, I thought myself happy inhaving escaped him. He swore I was the most inflexible of all creatures;asked if nothing would move me; and when I answered, "Nothing," took hisleave, and never after persecuted me with his addresses; though I haveheard he was vain and false enough to boast of favours, which, uponmy honour, he never received, as he himself, at one time, owned to Dr.Cantwell, at Paris.

  "While he underwent all this frenzy and distraction upon my account, hewas loved with the same violence of passion by a certain Scotch lady ofquality, who, when he followed me to France, pursued him thither withthe same eagerness and expedition. Far from being jealous of me as arival, she used to come to my house, implore my good offices with theobject of her love, and, laying herself on the floor at full lengthbefore the fire, weep and cry like a person bereft of her senses. Shebitterly complained that he had never obliged her but once; andbegged, with the most earnest supplications, that I would give her anopportunity of seeing him at my house. But I thought proper to avoid hercompany, as soon as I perceived her intention.

  "We continued at Paris for some time, during which I contracted anacquaintance with the sister of Madame de la T--. She was thesupposed mistress of the prince of C--, endowed with a great share ofunderstanding, and loved pleasure to excess, though she maintained herreputation on a respectable footing, by living with her husband andmother. This lady, perceiving that I had inspired her lover with apassion, which gave me uneasiness on her account, actually practised allher eloquence and art in persuading me to listen to his love; for itwas a maxim with her to please him at any rate. I was shocked at herindelicate complaisance, and rejected the proposal as repugnant to mypresent engagement, which I held as sacred as any nuptial tie, and muchmore binding than a forced or unnatural marriage.

  "Upon our return to England, we lived in great harmony and peace, andnothing was wanting to my happiness, but the one thing to me the mostneedful; I mean the enchanting tenderness and delightful enthusiasm oflove. Lord B--'s heart, I believe, felt the soft impressions; and, formy own part, I loved him with the most faithful affection. It is notenough to say I wished him well; I had the most delicate, the mostgenuine esteem for his virtue; I had an intimate regard and anxiety forhis interest; and felt for him as if he had been my own son. But stillthere was a vacancy in my heart; there was not that fervour, thattransport, that ecstasy of passion which I had formerly known; my bosomwas not filled with the little deity; I could not help recalling to myremembrance the fond, the ravishing moments I had passed with S--. HadI understood the conditions of life, those pleasures were happilyexchanged for my present situation, because, if I was now deprivedof those rapturous enjoyments, I was also exempted from the caresand anxiety that attended them; but I was generally extravagant in mynotions of happiness, and therefore construed my present tranquilityinto an insipid languor and stagnation of life.

  "While I remained in this inactivity of sentiment, Lord --, havingreceived a very considerable addition to his fortune, sent a messageto me, promising, that if I would leave Lord B--, he would make mea present of a house and furniture, where I should live at my case,without being exposed to his visits, except when I should be disposed toreceive them. This proposal he made in consequence of what I had alwaysdeclared, namely, that if he had not reduced me to the necessityof putting myself under the protection of some person or other, bydepriving me of any other means of subsistence, I should never havegiven the world the least cause to scandalize my reputation; and that Iwould withdraw myself from my present dependence, as soon as he shouldenable me to live by myself. I was therefore resolved to be as good asmy word, and accepted his offer, on condition that I should be whollyat my own disposal, and that he should never enter my door but as avisitant or common friend.

  "These articles being ratified by his word and honour, the valueof which I did not then know, a house was furnished according to mydirections; and I signified my intention to Lord B--, who consentedto my removal, with this proviso, that I should continue to see him. Iwrote also to his relation, Mr. B--, who, in his answer, observed,that it was too late to advise, when I was actually determined. All myfriends and acquaintance approved of the scheme, though it was oneof the most unjustifiable steps I had ever taken, being a real act ofingratitude to my benefactor; which I soon did, and always shall regretand condemn. So little is the world qualified to judge of privateaffairs!

  "When the time of our parting drew near, Lord B-- became gloomy anddiscontented, and even entreated me to postpone my resolution; but Itold him, that now everything was prepared for my reception, I could notretract without incurring the imputation of folly and extravagance.On the very day of my departure, Mr. B-- endeavoured, with all thearguments he could suggest, to dissuade me from my purpose; and Imade use of the same answer which had satisfied his friend. Finding medetermined on removing, he burst out into a flood of tears, exclaiming,"By God! if Lord B-- can bear it, I can't." I was thunderstruck at thisexpression; for though I had been told that Mr. B-- was in love withme, I gave no credit to the report, because he had never declared hispassion, and this was the first hint of it that ever escaped him inmy hearing. I was therefore so much amazed at the circumstance of thisabrupt explanation, that I could make no answer; but having taken myleave, went away, ruminating on the unexpected declaration.

  "Lord B--, as I was informed, spoke not a word that whole night, andtook my leaving him so much to heart, that two years elapsed before hegot the better of his grief. This intelligence I afterwards receivedfrom his own mouth, and asked his forgiveness for my unkind retreat,though I shall never be able to obtain my own. As for Mr. B--, he wasoverwhelmed with sorrow, and made such efforts to s
uppress his concern,as had well nigh cost him his life. Dr. S-- was called to him in themiddle of the night, and found him almost suffocated. He soon guessedthe cause, when he understood that I had left the house. So that Imyself was the only person concerned, who was utterly ignorant of hisaffection; for I solemnly declare he never gave me the least reasonto suspect it while I lived with his relation, because he had too muchhonour to entertain a thought of supplanting his friend, and too good anopinion of me to believe he should have succeeded in the attempt. Thoughmy love for Lord B-- was not so tender and interesting as the passion Ihad felt for S--, my fidelity was inviolable, and I never harboured themost distant thought of any other person, till after I had resolvedto leave him, when, I own, I afforded some small encouragement to theaddresses of a new admirer by telling him, that I should, in a littletime, be my own mistress, though I was not now at my own disposal.

  "I enjoyed my new house as a little paradise. It was accommodated withall sorts of conveniences; everything was new, and therefore pleasing,and the whole absolutely at my command. I had the company of a relation,a very good woman, with whom I lived in the most amicable manner; wasvisited by the best people in town--I mean those of the male sex, theladies having long ago forsaken me; I frequented all reputable places ofpublic entertainment, and had a concert at home once a week; so thatmy days rolled on in happiness and quiet, till all my sweets wereembittered by the vexatious behaviour of my husband, who began toimportune me again to live with him; and by the increasing anxiety ofLord B--, who, though I still admitted his visits, plainly perceivedthat I wanted to relinquish his correspondence. This discovery raisedsuch tempests of jealousy and despair within his breast, that he keptme in continual alarm. He sent messages to me every hour, signed hisletters with his own blood, raved like a man in ecstasy of madness,railed at my ingratitude, and praised my conduct by turns. He offeredto sacrifice everything for my love, to leave the kingdom forthwith, andlive with me for ever in any part of the world where I should choose toreside.

  "These were generous and tempting proposals; but I was beset withcounsellors who were not totally disinterested, and who dissuaded mefrom embracing the proffers of my lover, on pretence that Lord -- wouldbe highly injured by my compliance. I listened to their advice, andhardened my heart against Lord B--'s sorrow and solicitations. Mybehaviour on this occasion is altogether unaccountable; this was theonly time that ever I was a slave to admonition. The condition of LordB-- would have melted any heart but mine, and yet mine was one of themost sensible. He employed his cousin as an advocate with me, till thatgentleman actually refused the office, telling him candidly, that hisown inclinations were too much engaged to permit him to perform the taskwith fidelity and truth. He accordingly resolved to avoid my presence,until my lord and I should come to some final determination, which wasgreatly retarded by the perseverance of his lordship, who would notresign his hopes, even when I pretended that another man had engaged myheart, but said, that in time my affection might return.

  "Our correspondence, however, gradually wore off; upon which Mr.B-- renewed his visits, and many agreeable and happy hours we passedtogether. Not that he, or any other person whom I now saw, succeeded tothe privilege of a fortunate lover; I knew he loved me to madness; butI would not gratify his passion any other way than by the most profoundesteem and veneration for his virtues, which were altogether amiable andsublime; and I would here draw his character minutely, but it wouldtake up too much time to set forth his merit; the only, man living ofmy acquaintance who resembles him, is Lord F--, of whom I shall speak inthe sequel.

  "About this time I underwent a very interesting change in the situationof my heart. I had sent a message to my old lover S--, desiring he wouldallow my picture, which was in his possession, to be copied; and henow transmitted it to me by my lawyer, whom he directed to ask, if Iintended to be at the next masquerade. This curiosity had a strangeeffect upon my spirits; my heart fluttered at the question, and myimagination glowed with a thousand fond presages. I answered in theaffirmative; and we met by accident at the ball. I could nut behold himwithout emotion: when he accosted me, his well-known voice made my heartvibrate, like a musical chord, when its unison is struck. All the ideasof our past love, which the lapse of time and absence had enfeebled andlulled to sleep, now awoke, and were reinspired by his appearance; sothat his artful excuses were easily admitted: I forgave him all thatI had suffered on his account, because he was the natural lord of myaffection; and our former correspondence was renewed.

  "I thought myself in a new world of bliss in consequence of thisreconciliation, the rapture of which continued unimpaired for the spaceof four months, during which time he was fonder of me, if possible, thanbefore; repeated his promise of marriage, if we should ever have it inour power; assured me he had never been happy since he left me: thathe believed no woman loved like me. And indeed, to have a notion of mypassion for that man, you must first have loved as I did. But, througha strange caprice, I broke off the correspondence, out of apprehensionthat he would forsake me again. From his past conduct I dreaded whatmight happen; and the remembrance of what I had undergone by hisinconstancy, filled my imagination with such horror, that I could notendure the shocking prospect, and prematurely plunged myself into thedanger, rather than endure the terrors of expectation. I rememberedthat his former attachment began in the season of my prosperity, whenmy fortune was in the zenith, and my youth in its prime; and that he hadforsaken me in the day of trouble when my life became embarrassed, andmy circumstances were on the decline. I foresaw nothing but continualpersecution from my husband, and feared, that, once the keenertransports of our reconciliation should be over, his affection wouldsink under the severity of its trial. In consequence of this desertion,I received a letter from him, acknowledging that he was rightly served,but that my retreat gave him inexpressible concern.

  "Meanwhile Lord -- continued to act in the character of a fiend,tormenting me with his nauseous importunities. He prevailed upon theduke of L-- to employ his influence in persuading me to live with him;assuring his grace, that I had actually promised to give him that proofof my obedience, and that I would come home the sooner for being pressedto compliance by a person of his rank and character. Induced by theserepresentations, the duke honoured me with a visit; and, in the courseof his exhortations, I understood how he had been thus misinformed. Uponwhich I sent for Lord --, and, in his presence, convicted him of thefalsehood, by communicating to his grace the articles of our lastagreement, which he did not think proper to deny; and the duke, beingundeceived, declared, that he would not have given me the trouble ofvindicating myself, had he not been misled by the insincerity of mylord.

  "Baffled in this attempt, he engaged Mr. H-- V--, and afterwards myown father, in the same task; and though I still adhered to my firstresolution, persisted with such obstinacy in his endeavours to make meunhappy, that I determined to leave the kingdom. Accordingly, afterI had spent the evening with him at Ranelagh, I went away about twoo'clock in the morning, leaving my companion, with directions to restoreto my lord his house, furniture, plate, and everything he had given mesince our last accommodation; so far was I, upon this occasion, or atany other time of my life, from embezzling any part of his fortune. Myfriend followed my instructions most punctually: and his lordship knowsand will acknowledge the truth of this assertion.

  "Thus have I explained the true cause of my first expedition toFlanders, whither the world was good-natured enough to say, I followedMr. B-- and the whole army, which happened to be sent abroad thatsummer. Before my departure, I likewise transmitted to Lord B-- thedressing plate, china, and a very considerable settlement, of which hehad been generous enough to make me a present. This was an instance ofmy integrity, which I thought due to a man who had laid me under greatobligations; and though I lived to be refused a small sum both by himand S--, I do not repent of my disinterested behaviour; all the revengeI harbour against the last of these lovers, is the desire of having itin my power to do him good.

&n
bsp; "I now found myself adrift in the world again, and very richly deservedthe hardships of my condition, for my indiscretion in leaving Lord B--,and in trusting to the word of Lord -- without some further security;but I have dearly paid for my imprudence. The more I saw into thecharacter of this man, whom destiny hath appointed my scourge, the morewas I determined to avoid his fellowship and communication; for he andI are, in point of disposition, as opposite as any two principles innature. In the first place, he is one of the most unsocial beings thatever existed; when I was pleased and happy, he was always out of temper;but if he could find means to overcast and cloud my mirth, though neverso innocent, he then discovered signs of uncommon satisfaction andcontent, because, by this disagreeable temper, he banished all companyfrom his house. He is extremely weak of understanding, though hepossesses a good share of low cunning, which has so egregiously imposedupon some people, that they have actually believed him a good-naturedeasy creature, and blamed me because I did not manage him to betterpurpose; but, upon further acquaintance, they have always found himobstinate as a mule, and capricious as a monkey. Not that he is utterlyvoid of all commendable qualities. He is punctual in paying his debts,liberal when in good humour, and would be well-bred, were he not subjectto fits of absence, during which he is altogether unconversable; but heis proud, naturally suspicious, jealous, equally with and without cause,never made a friend, and is an utter stranger to the joys of intimacy;in short, he hangs like a damp upon society, and may be properly calledKill-joy, an epithet which he has justly acquired. He honoured me withconstant professions of love; but his conduct is so opposite to mysentiments of that passion, as to have been the prime source of all mymisfortunes and affliction; and I have often wished myself the object ofhis hate, in hopes of profiting by a change in his behaviour.

  "Indeed, he has not been able to make me more unhappy than I believehe is in his own mind; for he is literally a self-tormentor, who neverenjoyed one gleam of satisfaction except at the expense of another'squiet; and yet with this, I had almost called it diabolical quality, heexpects that I should cherish him with all the tenderness of affection.After he has been at pains to incur my aversion, he punishes my disgust,by contriving schemes to mortify and perplex me, which have oftensucceeded so effectually, as to endanger my life and constitution; forI have been fretted and frighted into sundry fits of illness, and then Iown I have experienced his care and concern.

  "Over and above the oddities I have mentioned, he is so unsteady in hiseconomy, that he is always new-modelling his affairs, and exhaustinghis fortune, by laying out ten pounds, in order to save a shilling. Heinquires into the character of a servant, after he has lived twoyears in his family, and is so ridiculously stocked with vanity andself-conceit, that, notwithstanding my assurance before, and the wholeseries of my conduct since our marriage, which ought to have convincedhim of my dislike, he is still persuaded, that, at bottom, I must admireand be enamoured of his agreeable person and accomplishments, and thatI would not fail to manifest my love, were I not spirited against himby his own relations. Perhaps it might be their interest to foment themisunderstanding betwixt us; but really they give themselves no troubleabout our affairs; and, so far as I know them, are a very good sort ofpeople. On the whole, I think I may with justice pronounce my preciousyoke-fellow a trifling, teasing, insufferable, inconsistent creature.

  "With the little money which remained of what I had received fromhis lordship for house-keeping, I transported myself to Flanders, andarrived in Ghent a few days after our troops were quartered in thatcity, which was so much crowded with these new visitants, that Ishould have found it impracticable to procure a lodging, had I not beenaccommodated by Lord B--, the duke of A--'s youngest brother, who verypolitely gave me up his own. Here I saw my friend Mr. B--, whowas overjoyed at my arrival, though jealous of every man of hisacquaintance; for he loved me with all the ardour of passion, and Iregarded him with all the perfection of friendship, which, had he lived,in time might have produced love; though that was a fruit which itnever brought forth. Notwithstanding his earnest solicitations to thecontrary, I stayed but a week in Ghent, from whence I proceeded toBrussels, and fixed my abode in the Hotel de Flandre, among an agreeableset of gentlemen and ladies, with whom I spent my time very cheerfully.There was a sort of court in this city, frequented by all the officerswho could obtain permission to go thither; and the place in general wasgay and agreeable. I was introduced to the best families, and veryhappy in my acquaintance; for the ladies were polite, good-tempered, andobliging, and treated me with the utmost hospitality and respect. Amongothers, I contracted a friendship with Madame la comtesse de C-- and hertwo daughters, who were very amiable young ladies; and became intimatewith the Princess C-- and Countess W--, lady of the bedchamber to thequeen of Hungary, and a great favourite of the governor, Monsieur d'H--,in whose house she lived with his wife, who was also a lady of a veryengaging disposition.

  "Soon after I had fixed my habitation in Brussels, the company at ourhotel was increased by three officers, who professed themselves myadmirers, and came from Ghent, with a view of soliciting my love. Thistriumvirate consisted of the Scotch earl of --, Lord R-M--, and anotheryoung officer. The first was a man of a very genteel figure and amorouscomplexion, danced well, and had a great deal of good-humour, with amixture of vanity and self-conceit. The second had a good face, thougha clumsy person, and a very sweet disposition, very much adapted for thesentimental passion of love. And the third, Mr. W-- by name, was tall,thin, and well-bred, with a great stock of good-nature and vivacity.These adventurers began their addresses in general acts of gallantry,that comprehended several of my female friends, with whom we used toengage in parties of pleasure, both in the city and the environs,which are extremely agreeable. When they thought they had taken thepreliminary steps of securing themselves in my good opinion and esteem,they agreed to go on without further delay, and that Lord -- should makethe first attack upon my heart.

  "He accordingly laid siege to me, with such warmth and assiduity, that Ibelieve he deceived himself, and began to think he was actually in love;though, at bottom, he felt no impulse that deserved the sacred name.Though I discouraged him in the beginning, he persecuted me with hisaddresses; he always sat by me at dinner, and imparted a thousandtrifles in continual whispers, which attracted the notice of the companyso much, that I began to fear his behaviour would give rise to somereport to my prejudice, and therefore avoided him with the utmostcaution. Notwithstanding all my care, however, he found means one night,while my maid, who lay in my room, went downstairs, to get into mychamber after I was abed. Upon which, I started up, and told him, that,if he should approach me, I would alarm the house; for I never wantedcourage and resolution. Perceiving my displeasure, he kneeled by thebedside, begged I would have pity on his sufferings, and swore Ishould have carte blanche to the utmost extent of his fortune. To theseproposals I made no other reply, but that of protesting I would neverspeak to him again, if he did not quit my apartment that moment; uponwhich he thought proper to withdraw; and I never afterwards gave himan opportunity of speaking to me on the same subject. So that, in afew weeks, he separated himself from our society; though the ladies ofBrussels considered him as my lover, because, of all the other officers,he was their greatest favourite.

  "His lordship being thus repulsed, Mr. W-- took the field, and assailedmy heart in a very different manner. He said he knew not how to makelove, but was a man of honour, and would keep the secret, and so forth.To this cavalier address I answered, that I was not angry as I otherwiseshould have been, at his blunt declaration, because I found by his ownconfession, he did not know what was due to the sex; and my unhappysituation in some shape excused him for a liberty which he wouldnot have dreamed of taking, had not my misfortunes encouraged hispresumption. But I would deal with him in his own way; and, far fromassuming the prude, frankly assured him, that he was not at all to mytaste, hoping he would consider my dislike as a sufficient reason toreject his love.

  "Lord R-- bega
n to feel the symptoms of a genuine passion, which hecarefully cherished in silence, being naturally diffident and bashful;but, by the very means he used to conceal it from my observation,I plainly discerned the situation of his heart, and was not at alldispleased at the progress I had made in his inclinations. Meanwhile hecultivated my acquaintance with great assiduity and respect, attended mein all my excursions, and particularly in an expedition to Antwerp, withtwo other gentlemen, where, in downright gaiete de coeur, we sat forour pictures, which were drawn in one piece, one of the party beingrepresented in the dress of a hussar, and another in that of a runningfootman. This incident I mention, because the performance, which is nowin my possession, gave birth to a thousand groundless reports circulatedin England at our expense.

  "It was immediately after this jaunt that Lord R-- began to disclose hispassion; though he, at the same time, started such objections as seemedto extinguish his hopes, lamenting that, even if he should have thehappiness to engage my affections, his fortune was too inconsiderableto support us against the efforts of Lord --, should he attempt tointerrupt our felicity, and that he himself was obliged to follow themotions of the army. In short, he seemed to consider my felicity morethan his own, and behaved with such delicacy, as gradually made animpression on my heart, so that, when we parted, we agreed to renew ourcorrespondence in England.

  "In the midst of these agreeable amusements, which I enjoyed in almostall the different towns of Flanders, I happened to be at Ghent one day,sitting among a good deal of company, in one of their hotels, when apost-chaise stopped at the gate; upon which we went to the windows tosatisfy our curiosity, when who should step out of the convenience, butmy little insignificant lord! I no sooner announced him to the company,than all the gentlemen asked whether they should stay and protect me,or withdraw; and when I assured them that their protection was notnecessary, one and all of them retired; though Lord R-- M-- went nofarther than the parlour below, being determined to screen me againstall violence and compulsion. I sent a message to my lord, desiring himto walk up into my apartment; but although his sole errand was to seeand carry me off, he would not venture to accept of my invitation,till he had demanded me in form from the governor of the place. Thatgentleman, being altogether a stranger to his person and character,referred him to the commanding officer of the English troops, who was aman of honour, and, upon his lordship's application, pretended to doubthis identity; observing, that he had always heard Lord -- representedas a jolly, corpulent man. He gave him to understand, however, that evengranting him to be the person, I was by no means subject to militarylaw, unless he could prove that I had ever listed in his Majesty'sservice.

  "Thus disappointed in his endeavours, he returned to the inn, and,with much persuasion, trusted himself in my dining-room, after havingstationed his attendants at the door, in case of accidents. When I askedwhat had procured me the honour of this visit, he told me, his businessand intention were to carry me home. This declaration produced aconference, in which I argued the case with him; and matters wereaccommodated for the present, by my promising to be in England some timein September, on condition that he would permit me to live by myself, asbefore, and immediately order the arrears of my pin-money to be paid. Heassented to everything I proposed, returned in peace to his own country,and the deficiencies of my allowance were made good; while I returnedto Brussels, where I stayed until my departure for England, which Iregulated in such a manner as was consistent with my engagement.

  "I took lodgings in Pall-mall, and, sending for my lord, convinced himof my punctuality, and put him in mind of his promise, when, to my utterastonishment and confusion, he owned, that his promise was no more thana decoy to bring me over, and that I must lay my account with livingin his house like a dutiful and obedient wife. I heard him with theindignation such treatment deserved, upbraiding him with his perfidiousdealing, which I told him would have determined me against cohabitationwith him had I not been already resolved; and, being destitute of allresource, repaired to Bath, where I afterwards met with Mr. D-- and Mr.R--, two gentlemen who had been my fellow-passengers in the yacht fromFlanders, and treated me with great friendship and politeness, withouteither talking or thinking of love.

  "With these gentlemen, who were as idle as myself, I went to the jubileeat Preston, which was no other than a great number of people assembledin a small town, extremely ill-accommodated, to partake of diversionsthat were bad imitations of plays, concerts, and masquerades. If theworld should place to the account of my indiscretion my travelling inthis manner with gentlemen to whom I had no particular attachment, letit also be considered, as an alleviation, that I always lived in terrorof my lord, and consequently was often obliged to shift my quarters; sothat, my finances being extremely slender, I stood the more in need ofassistance and protection. I was, besides, young, inconsiderate, and sosimple, as to suppose the figure of an ugly man would always secureme from censure on his account; neither did I ever dream of any man'saddresses, until he made an actual declaration of his love.

  "Upon my return to Bath, I was again harassed by Lord --, who camethither accompanied by my father, whom I was very glad to see, thoughhe importuned me to comply with my husband's desire, and for the futurekeep measures with the world. This remonstrance about living withmy lord, which he constantly repeated, was the only instance of hisunkindness which I ever felt. But all his admonitions were not of forcesufficient to shake my resolution in that particular; though the debatecontinued so late, that I told his lordship, it was high time toretire, for I could not accommodate him with a bed. He then gave me tounderstand, that he would stay where he was; upon which my father tookhis leave, on pretence of looking out for a lodging for himself. Thelittle gentleman being now left with me, began to discover some signs ofapprehension in his looks; but, mustering up all his resolution, hewent to the door, called up three of his servants, whom he placed assentinels upon the stairs, and flounced into my elbow-chair, where heresigned himself to rest. Intending to go to bed, I thought it was butjust and decent that I should screen myself from the intrusion of hisfootmen, and with that view bolted the door. Lord --, hearing himselflocked in, started up in the utmost terror and consternation, kicked thedoor with his heel, and screamed aloud, as if he had been in the handsof an assassin. My father, who had not yet quitted the house, hearingthese outcries, ran upstairs again, and, coming through my bedchamberinto the dining-room where we were, found me almost suffocated withlaughter, and his heroic son-in-law staring like one who had lost hiswits, with his hair standing on end.

  "When my father asked the meaning of his exclamations, he told him, withall the symptoms of dismay, that I had locked him in, and he did notunderstand such usage. But I explained the whole mystery, by saying, Ihad bolted the door because I did not like the company of his servants,and could not imagine the cause of his panic, unless he thought Idesigned to ravish him; an insult than which nothing was farther from myintention. My father himself could scarce refrain from laughing at hisridiculous fear; but, seeing him in great confusion, took pity on hiscondition, and carried him off to his own lodgings, after I had givenmy word that I would not attempt to escape, but give him audience nextmorning. I accordingly kept my promise, and found means to persuadethem to leave me at my own discretion. Next day I was rallied uponthe stratagem I had contrived to frighten Lord --; and a thousand idlestories were told about this adventure, which happened literally as Ihave related it.

  "From Bath I betook myself to a small house near Lincoln, which I hadhired of the d-- of A--, because a country life suited best with myincome, which was no more than four hundred pounds a year, and thatnot well paid. I continued some months in this retirement, and sawno company, except Lord R-- M--, who lived in the neighbourhood, andvisited me twice; till, finding myself indisposed, I was obliged toremove to London, and took lodgings in Maddox-street, where my garrisonwas taken by storm by my Lord -- and his steward, reinforced by Mr. L--V-- (who, as my lord told me, had a subsidy of five-and-twenty poundsbefore he wo
uld take the field) and a couple of hardy footmen. Thisformidable band rushed into my apartment, laid violent hands upon me,dragged me down-stairs without gloves or a cloak, and, thrusting me intoa coach that stood at the door, conveyed me to my lord's lodgings inGloucester-street. Upon this occasion, his lordship courageously drewhis sword upon my woman, who attempted to defend me from his insults,and, in all probability, would have intimidated him from proceeding; forhe looked pale and aghast, his knees knocked together, and he breathedthick and hard, with his nostrils dilated, as if he had seen aghost; but he was encouraged by his mercenary associate, who, for thefive-and-twenty pounds, stood by him in the day of trouble, and spiritedhim on to this gallant enterprise.

  "In consequence of this exploit, I was cooped up in a paltry apartmentin Gloucester-street, where I was close beset by his lordship and hisworthy steward Mr. H--, with a set of servants that were the creaturesof this fellow, of whom my lord himself stood in awe, so that I couldnot help thinking myself in Newgate, among thieves and ruffians. To sucha degree did my terror avail, that I actually believed I was in dangerof being poisoned, and would not receive any sustenance, except from thehands of one harmless-looking fellow, a foreigner, who, was my lord'svalet-de-chambre. I will not pretend to say my fears were just; but suchwas my opinion of H--, that I never doubted he would put me out of theway, if he thought my life interfered with his interest. On the secondday of my imprisonment, I was visited by the duke of L--, a friend ofmy lord, who found me sitting upon a trunk, in a poor little diningroomfilled with lumber, and lighted with two bits of tallow candle, whichhad been left overnight. He perceived in my face a mixture of rage,indignation, terror, and despair. He compassionated my sufferings,though he could not alleviate my distress any other way than byinterceding with my tyrant to mitigate my oppression. Nevertheless, Iremained eleven days in this uncomfortable situation: I was watchedlike a criminal all day, and one of the servants walked from one room toanother all night, in the nature of a patrol; while my lord, who lay inthe chamber above me, got out of bed and tripped to the window at thesound of every coach that chanced to pass through the street. H--, whowas consummate in the arts of a sycophant, began to court my favour, bycondoling my affliction, and assuring me, that the only method by whichI could regain my liberty was a cheerful compliance with the humour ofmy lord. I was fully convinced of the truth of this observation; and,though my temper is altogether averse to dissimulation, attempted toaffect an air of serenity and resignation. But this disguise, I found,would not answer my purpose; and therefore I had recourse to theassistance of my maid, who was permitted to attend me in my confinement.With her I frequently consulted about the means of accomplishing myescape. In consequence of our deliberations, she directed a coach andsix to be ready at a certain part of the town, and to wait for me threedays in the same place, in case I could not come before the expirationof that term.

  "This previous measure being taken according to my instructions, thenext necessary step was to elude the vigilance of my guard: and in thismanner did I effectuate my purpose. Being by this time indulged in theliberty of going out in the coach for the benefit of the air, attendedby two footmen, who had orders to watch all my motions, I made useof this privilege one forenoon, when Lord -- expected some company todinner, and bade the coachman drive to the lodgings of a man who wrotewith his mouth, intending to give my spies the slip, on pretence ofseeing this curiosity; but they were too alert in their duty to be thusoutwitted, and followed me up-stairs into the very apartment.

  "Disappointed in this hope, I resolved another scheme, which wasattended with success. I bought some olives at an oil-shop; and, tellingthe servants I would proceed to St. James's-gate, and take a turn in thepark, broke one of the bottles by the way, complained of the misfortunewhen I was set down, and desired my coach might be cleaned before myreturn. While my attendants were employed in this office, I trippedacross the Parade to the Horse Guards, and chanced to meet with anacquaintance in the park, who said, he saw by my countenance that I wasupon some expedition. I owned his suspicion was just, but, as I had nottime to relate particulars, I quickened my pace, and took possession ofa hackney-coach, in which I proceeded to the vehicle I had appointed tobe in waiting.

  "While I thus compassed my escape, there was nothing but perplexity andconfusion at home; dinner was delayed till six o'clock; my lord ran halfthe town over in quest of his equipage, which at last returned, withan account of my elopement. My maid was brought to the question, andgrievously threatened; but, like all the women I ever had, remainedunshaken in her fidelity. In the meantime, I travelled night and daytowards my retreat in Lincolnshire, of which his lordship had not,as yet, got the least intelligence; and as my coachman was but aninexperienced driver, I was obliged to make use of my own skill in thatexercise, and direct his endeavours the whole way, without venturing togo to bed, or take the least repose, until I reached my own habitation.There I lived in peace and tranquility for the space of six weeks,when I was alarmed by one of my lord's myrmidons, who came into theneighbourhood, blustering and swearing that he would carry me off eitherdead or alive.

  "It is not to be supposed that I was perfectly easy when I was madeacquainted with his purpose and declaration, as my whole familyconsisted of no more than a couple of women and one footman. However, Isummoned up my courage, which had been often tried, and never forsook mein the day of danger; and sent him word, that, if ever he should presumeto approach my house, I would order him to be shot without ceremony.The fellow did not choose to put me to the trial, and returned to townwithout his errand: but as the place of my abode was now discovered,I laid my account with having a visit from his employer; I thereforeplanted spies upon the road, with a promise of reward to him who shouldbring me the first intelligence of his lordship's approach.

  "Accordingly, I was one morning apprised of his coming, and, mountinghorse immediately, with my woman and valet, away we rode, in defiance ofwinter. In two days I traversed the wilds of Lincolnshire and hundredsof Essex, crossed the river at Tilbury, breakfasted at Chatham, bythe help of a guide and moonlight arrived at Dover the same evening,embarked for Calais, in which place I found myself next day at twoo'clock in the afternoon; and being heartily tired with my journey,betook myself to rest. My maid, who was not able to travel with suchexpedition, followed me at an easier pace; and the footman was soastonished at my perseverance, that he could not help asking me uponthe road, if ever I was weary in my life. Certain it is, my spiritsand resolution have enabled me to undergo fatigues that are almostincredible. From Calais I went to Brussels, where I again set up myrest in private lodgings; was again perfectly well received by thefashionable people of that place; and, by the interest of my friends,obtained the queen of Hungary's protection against the persecution ofmy husband, while I should reside in the Austrian Netherlands. Thussecured, I lived uncensured, conversing with the English company, withwhich this city was crowded; but spent the most agreeable part of mytime with the countess of Calemberg, in whose house I generally dinedand supped. And I also contracted an intimacy with the princess ofChemay, who was a great favourite with Madame d'Harrach, the governor'slady.

  "I had not been long in this happy situation, when I was disturbed bythe arrival of Lord --, who demanded me of the governor; but finding mesheltered from his power, he set out for Vienna; and, in consequenceof his representations, strengthened with the duke of N--'s name, myprotection was withdrawn. But, before this application, he had gone tothe camp, and addressed himself to my Lord Stair, who was my particularfriend and ally by my first marriage, desiring he would compel me toreturn to his house. His lordship told him, that I was in no shapesubject to his command; but invited him to dinner, with a view ofdiverting himself and company at the expense of his guest. In theevening, he was plied with so many bumpers to my health, that he becameintoxicated, and extremely obstreperous, insisted upon seeing Lord Stairafter he was retired to rest, and quarrelled with Lord D--, who beinga tall, large, raw-boned Scotchman, could have swallowed hi
m at onemouthful; but he thought he might venture to challenge him, in hopes ofbeing put under arrest by the general. Though he reckoned without hishost; Lord Stair knew his disposition, and, in order to punish hispresumption, winked at the affair. The challenger, finding himselfmistaken in his conjecture, got up early in the morning, and went offpost for Vienna. And Lord Stair desired a certain man of quality to makeme a visit, and give me an account of his behaviour.

  "Being now deprived of my protection and pin-money, which my generoushusband would no longer pay, I was reduced to great difficulty anddistress. The duchess d'Aremberg, Lord G--, and many other persons ofdistinction, interceded in my behalf with his Majesty, who was thenabroad; but he refused to interpose between man and wife. The countessof Calemberg wrote a letter to my father, in which she represented myuncomfortable situation, and undertook to answer for my conduct, in casehe would allow me a small annuity, on which I could live independentof Lord --, who, by all accounts, was a wretch with whom I could neverenjoy the least happiness or quiet, otherwise she would be the firstto advise me to an accommodation. She gave him to understand, that hercharacter was neither doubtful nor obscure; and that, if my conductthere had not been irreproachable, she should not have taken me underher protection. That, as I proposed to board in a convent, a smallsum would answer my occasions; but, if that should be denied, I wouldactually go to service, or take some other desperate step, to avoid theman who was my bane and aversion.

  "To this kind remonstrance my father answered that his fortune would notallow him to assist me; he had now a young family; and that I ought,at all events, to return to my husband. By this time, such was theextremity of my circumstances, that I was forced to pawn my clothes, andevery trifling trinket in my possession, and even to descend so far asto solicit Mr. S-- for a loan of fifty pounds, which he refused. Thuswas I deserted in my distress by two persons, to whom, in the seasonof my affluence, my purse had been always open. Nothing so effectuallysubdues a spirit unused to supplicate, as want. Repulsed in this manner,I had recourse to Lord B--, who was also, it seems, unable to relieve mynecessities. This mortification I deserved at his hands, though he hadonce put it in my power to be above all such paltry applications; and Ishould not have been compelled to the disagreeable task of troubling myfriends, had not I voluntarily resigned what he formerly gave me. As tothe other gentleman to whom I addressed myself on this occasion, Ithink he might have shown more regard to my situation, not only forthe reasons already mentioned, but because he knew me too well to beignorant of what I must have suffered in condescending to make such arequest.

  "Several officers, who guessed my adversity, generously offered tosupply me with money; but I could not bring myself to make use of theirfriendship, or even to own my distress, except to one person, of whom Iborrowed a small sum. To crown my misfortunes, I was taken very ill,at a time when there was no other way of avoiding the clutches of mypersecutor but by a precipitate flight. In this emergency, I appliedto a worthy gentleman of Brussels, a very good friend of mine, but nolover. I say no lover, because every man is supposed to act in thatcapacity who befriends a young woman in distress. This generous Flemingset out with me in the night from Brussels, and conducted me to thefrontier of France. Being very much indisposed both in mind and bodywhen I was obliged to undertake this expedition, I should in allprobability have sunk under the fatigue of travelling, had not myspirits been kept up by the conversation of my companion, who was a manof business and consequence, and undertook to manage my affairs in sucha manner as would enable me to re-establish my residence in the place Ihad left. He was young and active, attended me with the utmost care andassiduity, and left nothing undone which he thought would contribute tomy ease and satisfaction. I believe his friendship for me was a littletinctured with another passion; but he was married, and lived very wellwith his wife, who was also my friend; so that he knew I would neverthink of him in the light of a lover.

  "Upon our arrival at Valenciennes, he accommodated me with a littlemoney, for a little was all I would take, and returned to his own city,after we had settled a correspondence by letters. I was detained aday or two in this place by my indisposition, which increased; but,nevertheless, proceeded to Paris, to make interest for a protection fromthe king of France, which that monarch graciously accorded me, in threedays after my first application, and his minister sent orders to all thegovernors and intendants of the province towns, to protect me againstthe efforts of Lord ----, in whatever place I should choose to reside.

  "Having returned my thanks at Versailles for this favour, and tarrieda few days at Paris, which was a place altogether unsuitable to thelow ebb of my fortune, I repaired to Lisle, where I intended to fix myhabitation; and there my disorder recurred with such violence, that Iwas obliged to send for a physician, who seemed to have been a discipleof Sangrado; for he scarce left a drop of blood in my body, and yet Ifound myself never a whit the better. Indeed, I was so much exhausted bythese evacuations, and my constitution so much impaired by fatigue andperturbation of mind, that I had no other hope of recovering but that ofreaching England, and putting myself under the direction of a physicianon whose ability I could depend.

  "With this doubtful prospect, therefore, I determined to attempt areturn to my native air, and actually departed from Lisle, in such amelancholy, enfeebled condition, that I had almost fainted when I wasput into the coach. But before I resolved upon this journey, I wasreduced to the utmost exigence of fortune, so that I could scarce affordto buy provisions, had it been in my power to eat, and should not havebeen able to defray my travelling expenses, had I not been generouslybefriended by Lord R-- H--, who, I am sure, would have done anythingfor my case and accommodation, though he has unjustly incurred theimputation of being parsimonious, and I had no reason to expect any suchfavour at his hands.

  "In this deplorable state of health I was conveyed to Calais, being allthe way, as it were, in the arms of death, without having swallowed theleast sustenance on the road. So much was my indisposition augmented bythe fatigue of the journey, that I swooned when I was brought into theinn, and had almost expired before I could receive the least assistanceor advice. However, my spirits were a little revived by some bread andwine, which I took at the persuasion of a French surgeon, who, chancingto pass by the door, was called up to my relief. Having sent my servantto Brussels, to take care of my clothes, I embarked in the packet-boat,and by the time we arrived at Dover was almost in extremity.

  "Here I found a return coach, in which I was carried to London, and wasput to bed at the house we put up at, more dead than alive. The peopleof the inn sent for an apothecary, who administered some cordial thatrecalled me to life; and, when I recovered the use of speech, I told himwho I was, and desired him to wait upon Dr. S--, and inform him of mysituation. A young girl, who was niece to the landlord's wife, seeingme unattended, made a tender of her service to me, and I accepted theoffer, as well as of a lodging in the apothecary's house, to which I wasconveyed as soon as my strength would admit of my removal. There I wasvisited by my physician, who was shocked to find me in such a dangerouscondition. However, having considered my case, he perceived thatmy indisposition proceeded from the calamities I had undergone, andencouraged me with the hope of a speedy cure, provided I could be kepteasy and undisturbed. I was accordingly attended with all imaginablecare; my lord's name being never mentioned in my hearing, because Iconsidered him as the fatal source of all my misfortunes; and in a monthI recovered my health, by the great skill and tenderness of mydoctor, who now finding me strong enough to encounter fresh troubles,endeavoured to persuade me, that it would be my wisest step to returnto my husband, whom at that time he had often occasion to see. But Irejected his proposal, commencing a new lawsuit for separation, and tooka small house in St. James's-square.

  "About this time my woman returned from Brussels, but without myclothes, which were detained on account of the money I owed in thatplace; and, asking her dismission from my service, set up shop forherself. I had not lived ma
ny weeks in my new habitation, when mypersecutor renewed his attempts to make himself master of my person;but I had learned from experience to redouble my vigilance, and he wasfrustrated in all his endeavours. I was again happy in the conversationof my former acquaintance, and visited by a great number of gentlemen,mostly persons of probity and sense, who cultivated my friendship,without any other motive of attachment. Not that I was unsolicited onthe article of love. That was a theme on which I never wanted orators;and could I have prevailed upon myself to profit by the advances thatwere made, I might have managed my opportunities so as to have setfortune at defiance for the future. But I was none of these economistswho can sacrifice their hearts to interested considerations.

  "One evening, while I was conversing with three or four of my friends,my lawyer came in, and told me he had something of consequence toimpart; upon which all the gentlemen but one went away. Then he gave meto understand, that my suit would immediately come to trial; and, thoughhe hoped the best, the issue was uncertain. That, if it should be givenagainst me, the decision would inspire my lord with fresh spirits todisturb my peace, and, therefore, it would be convenient for me toretire, until the affair should be brought to a determination.

  "I was very much disconcerted at this intelligence; and the gentlemanwho stayed, perceiving my concern, asked what I intended to do, or if hecould serve me in any shape, and desired to know whither I proposed toretreat. I affected to laugh, and answered, "To a garret, I believe." Tothis overstrained reasoning he replied, that if I should, his friendshipand regard would find the way to my apartment; and I had no reason todoubt the sincerity of his declaration. We consulted about the measuresI should take, and I determined to remove into the country, where I wassoon favoured with a letter from him, wherein he expressed the infinitepleasure he had in being able to assure me that my suit had beensuccessful, and that I might appear again with great safety.

  "Accordingly, I returned to town in his coach and six, which he hadsent for my convenience, and the same evening went with him to themasquerade, where we passed the night very agreeably, his spirits, aswell as mine, being elevated to a joyous pitch by the happy event ofmy process. This gentleman was a person of great honour, worth, andgood-nature; he loved me extremely, but did not care that I should knowthe extent of his passion. On the contrary, he endeavoured to persuademe, he had laid it down as a maxim, that no woman should ever have powerenough over his heart to give him the least pain or disquiet. In short,he had made a progress in my affection, and to his generosity wasI indebted for my subsistence two whole years; during which, he wascontinually professing this philosophic indifference, while, at the sametime, he was giving me daily assurances of his friendship and esteem,and treated me with incessant marks of the most passionate love; sothat I concluded his intention was cold, though his temper was warm.Considering myself as an encumbrance upon his fortune, I redoubled myendeavours to obtain a separate maintenance from my lord, and removedfrom St. James's-square to lodgings at Kensington, where I had notlong enjoyed myself in tranquility, before I was interrupted by a veryunexpected visit.

  "While I was busy one day dressing in my dining-room, I found hislordship at my elbow before I was aware of his approach, although hiscoach was at the door, and the house already in the possession of hisservants. He accosted me in the usual style, as if we had parted thenight before; and I answered him with an appearance of the same carelessfamiliarity, desiring him to sit down, while I retreated to my chamber,locked the door, and fairly went to bed; being perhaps the first womanwho went thither for protection from the insults of a man. Here, then.I immured myself with my faithful Abigail. My lord finding me secured,knocked at the door, and through the keyhole begged to be admitted,assuring me that all he wanted was a conference. I desired to beexcused, though I believed his assurance; but I had no inclination toconverse with him, because I knew from experience the nature of hisconversation, which was so disagreeable and tormenting, that I wouldhave exchanged it at any time for a good beating, and thought myselfa gainer by the bargain. However, he persisted in his importunities tosuch a degree, that I assented to his proposal, on condition that theduke of L-- should be present at the interview: and he immediately senta message for his grace, while I, in peace, ate my breakfast, conveyedin a basket, which was hoisted up to the window of my bedchamber.

  "The duke was so kind as to come at my lord's request, and, before Iwould open the door, gave me his word, that I should be protected fromall violence and compulsion. Thus assured, they were permitted to enter.My little gentleman, sitting down by my bedside, began to repeat the oldhackneyed arguments he had formerly used, with a view of inducing meto live with him; and I, on my side, repeated my former objections, orpretended to listen to his representations, while my imagination wasemployed in contriving the means of effecting an escape, as the dukeeasily perceived by my countenance.

  "Finding all his remonstrances ineffectual, he quitted the chamber, andleft his cause to the eloquence of his grace, who sat with me a wholehalf-hour, without exerting himself much in behalf of his client,because he knew I was altogether obstinate and determined on that score;but joked upon the behaviour of his lordship, who, though jealous ofmost people, had left him alone with me in my bedchamber, observing,that he must neither have great confidence in his virtue, or a verybad opinion of him otherwise. In short, I found means to defer thecategorical answer till next day, and invited the duke and his lordshipto dine with me to-morrow. My wise yoke-fellow seemed to doubt thesincerity of this invitation, and was very much disposed to keeppossession of my house. But, by the persuasion of his grace, and theadvice of H--, who was his chief counsellor and back, he was prevailedupon to take my word, and for the present left me.

  "They were no sooner retired, than I rose with great expedition, packedup my clothes, and took shelter in Essex for the first time. Next day,my lord and his noble friend came to dinner, according to appointment;and being informed of my escape by my woman, whom I left in the house,his lordship discovered some signs of discontent, and insisted uponseeing my papers; upon which my maid produced a parcel of bills whichI owed to different people. Notwithstanding this disappointment, he satdown to what was provided for dinner, and with great deliberation ate upa leg of lamb, the best part of a fowl, and something else, which I donot now remember; and then very peaceably went away, giving my maid anopportunity of following me to the place of my retreat.

  "My intention was to have sought refuge, as formerly, in anothercountry; but I was prevented from putting my design in execution by afit of illness, during which I was visited by my physician and some ofmy own relations, particularly a distant cousin of mine, whom my lordhad engaged in his interests, by promising to recompense her amply, ifshe could persuade me to comply with his desire. In this office she wasassisted by the doctor, who was my friend, and a man of sense, for whomI have the most perfect esteem, though he and I have often differedin point of opinion. In a word, I was exposed to the incessantimportunities of all my acquaintance, which, added to the desperatecircumstances of my fortune, compelled me to embrace the terms that wereoffered, and I again returned to the domestic duties of a wife.

  "I was conducted to my lord's house by an old friend of mine, agentleman turned of fifty, of admirable parts and understanding; hewas a pleasing companion, cheerful and humane, and had acquired a greatshare of my esteem and respect. In a word, his advice had great weightin my deliberations, because it seemed to be the result of experienceand disinterested friendship. Without all doubt, he had an unfeignedconcern for my welfare; but, being an admirable politician, his schemewas to make my interest coincide with his own inclinations; for I had,unwittingly, made an innovation upon his heart; and as he thought Ishould hardly favour his passion while I was at liberty to converse withthe rest of my admirers, he counselled me to surrender that freedom,well knowing that my lord would be easily persuaded to banish all hisrivals from the house; in which case, he did not doubt of his being ableto insinuate himself into my affections; be
cause he laid it down as aneternal truth, that, if any two persons of different sexes were obligedto live together in a desert, where they would be excluded from allother human intercourse, they would naturally and inevitably contract aninclination for each other.

  "How just this hypothesis might be, I leave to the determination of thecurious; though, if I may be allowed to judge from my own disposition,a couple so situated would be apt to imbibe mutual disgusts from thenature and necessity of their union, unless their association was atfirst the effect of reciprocal affection and esteem. Be this as it will,I honour the gentleman for his plan, which was ingeniously contrived,and artfully conducted; but I happened to have too much address for himin the sequel, cunning as he was, though at first I did not perceive hisdrift; and his lordship was much less likely to comprehend his meaning.

  "Immediately after this new accommodation, I was carried to a countryhouse belonging to my lord, and was simple enough to venture myself,unattended by any servant on whose integrity I could depend, in thehands of his lordship, and H--, whose villainy I always dreaded;though, at this time, my apprehensions were considerably increased byrecollecting, that it was not his interest to let me live in the house,lest his conduct should be inquired into; and by remembering that thevery house to which we were going had been twice burnt down in a veryshort space of time, not without suspicion of his having been theincendiary, on account of some box of writings which was lost in theconflagration. True it is, this imputation was never made good; and,perhaps, he was altogether innocent of the charge, which neverthelessaffected my spirits in such a manner, as rendered me the most miserableof all mortals. In this terror did I remain, till my consternation wasawakened by the arrival of Mr. B--, a good-natured worthy man, whom mylord had invited to his house, and I thought would not see me ill-used.In a few weeks we were joined by Dr. S-- and his lady, who visited usaccording to their promise; and it was resolved that we should set outfor Tunbridge, on a party of pleasure, and at our return examine H--'saccounts.

  "This last part of our scheme was not at all relished by our worthysteward, who therefore determined to overturn our whole plan, andsucceeded accordingly. My lord, all of a sudden, declared himselfagainst the jaunt we had projected, and insisted upon my staying athome, without assigning any reason for this peremptory behaviour; hiscountenance being cloudy, and, for the space of three days, he did notopen his mouth. At last, he one night entered my bedchamber, to whichhe now had free access, with his sword under his arm, and, if I rememberaright, it was ready drawn. I could not help taking notice of thisalarming circumstance, which shocked me the more, as it happenedimmediately after a gloomy fit of discontent. However, I seemed tooverlook the incident, and, dismissing my maid, went to bed; because Iwas ashamed to acknowledge, even to my own heart, any dread of a personwhom I despised so much. However, the strength of my constitution wasnot equal to the fortitude of my mind. I was taken ill, and the servantswere obliged to be called up; while my lord himself, terrified at mysituation, ran upstairs to Mrs. S--, who was in bed, told her, withevident perturbation of spirits, that I was very much indisposed, andsaid, he believed I was frightened by his entering my chamber with hissword in hand.

  "This lady was so startled at his information, that she ran into myapartment half naked, and as she went down-stairs, asked what reasoncould induce him to have carried his sword with him. Upon which he gaveher to understand, that his intention was to kill the bats. I believeand hope he had no other design than that of intimidating me; but whenthe affair happened, I was of a different opinion. Mrs. S--, having puton her clothes, sat up all night by my bedside, and was so good as toassure me that she would not leave me until I should be safely deliveredfrom the apprehensions that surrounded me in this house, to which sheand the doctor had been the principal cause of my coming; for my lordhad haunted and importuned them incessantly on this subject, protestingthat he loved me with the most inviolable affection; and all he desiredwas, that I would sit at his table, manage his family, and share hisfortune. By these professions, uttered with an air of honesty andgood-nature, he had imposed himself upon them for the best temperedcreature upon earth; and they used all their influence with me to takehim into favour. This has been the case with a great many people, whohad but a superficial knowledge of his disposition; but, in the courseof their acquaintance, they have never failed to discern and acknowledgetheir mistake.

  "The doctor, on his return from Tunbridge, to which place he had made atrip by himself, found me ill abed, and the whole family in confusion.Surprised and concerned at this disorder, he entered into expostulationwith my lord, who owned, that the cause of his displeasure and disquietwas no other than jealousy. He had informed him, that I had been seento walk out with Mr. Bal-- in a morning; and that our correspondence hadbeen observed, with many additional circumstances, which were absolutelyfalse and groundless. This imputation was no sooner understood, than itwas resolved that the accuser should be examined in presence of us all.He accordingly appeared, exceedingly drunk, though it was morning, andrepeated the articles of the charge, as an information he had receivedfrom a man who came from town to hang the bells, and was long agoreturned to London.

  "This was an instance of his cunning and address, which did not forsakehim even in his hours of intoxication. Had he fixed the calumny on anyone of the servants, he would have been confronted and detected in hisfalsehood. Nevertheless, though he could not be legally convicted,it plainly appeared that he was the author of this defamation, whichincensed Mr. Bal-- to such a degree, that he could scarce be withheldfrom punishing him on the spot, by manual chastisement. However, hewas prevailed upon to abstain from such immediate vengeance, as a stepunworthy of his character; and the affair was brought to this issue,that his lordship should either part with me or Mr. H--; for I was fullydetermined against living under the same roof with such an incendiary.

  "This alternative being proposed, my lord dismissed his steward, and wereturned to town with the doctor and Mrs. S--; for I had imbibed suchhorror and aversion for this country seat, though one of the pleasantestin England, that I could not bear to live in it. We therefore removed toa house in Bond-street, where, according to the advice of my friends, Iexerted my whole power and complaisance in endeavours to keep my husbandin good-humour, but was so unsuccessful in my attempts, that, if ever hewas worse tempered, more capricious, or intolerable, at one time than atanother, this was the season in which his ill-humour predominated in themost rancorous degree. I was scarce ever permitted to stir abroad, sawnobody at home, but my old male friend, whom I have mentioned above; andthe doctor, with his lady, from whose conversation, also, I was at lastexcluded.

  "Nevertheless, I contrived to steal a meeting now and then with my latebenefactor, for whom I entertained a great share of affection, exclusiveof that gratitude that was due to his generosity. It was not his faultthat I compromised matters with my lord; for he was as free of his purseas I was unwilling to use it. It would, therefore, have been unfriendly,unkind, and ungrateful in me, now that I was in affluence, to avoid allintercourse with a man who had supported me in adversity. I think peoplecannot be too shy and scrupulous in receiving favours; but once they areconferred, they ought never to forget the obligation. And I was nevermore concerned at any incident of my life, than at hearing that thisgentleman did not receive a letter, in which I acknowledged the lastproof of his friendship and liberality which I had occasion to use,because I have since learned that he suspected me of neglect.

  "But to return to my situation in Bond-street. I bore it as well as Icould for the space of three months, during which I lived in the midstof spies, who were employed to watch my conduct, and underwent everymortification that malice, power, and folly could inflict. Nay, soridiculous, so unreasonable was my tyrant in his spleen, that hedeclared he would even be jealous of Heydigger, if there was no otherman to incur his suspicion: he expected that I should spend my wholetime with him tete-a-tete; when I sacrificed my enjoyment to thesecomfortable parties, he never fai
led to lay hold on some innocentexpression of mine, which he made the foundation of a quarrel; and, whenI strove to avoid these disagreeable misinterpretations by reading orwriting, he incessantly teased and tormented me with the imputation ofbeing peevish, sullen, and reserved.

  "Harassed by this insufferable behaviour, I communicated my case toDr. S-- and his lady, intimating that I neither could nor would exposemyself any longer to such usage. The doctor exhorted me to bear my fatewith patience; and Mrs. S-- was silent on the subject; so that I stillhesitated between staying and going, when the doctor, being one night atsupper, happened to have some words with my lord, who was so violentlytransported with passion, that I was actually afraid of going tobed with him; and next morning, when he awakened, there was such anexpression of frantic wildness in his countenance, that I imagined hewas actually distracted.

  "This alarming circumstance confirmed me in my resolution of decamping;and I accordingly moved my quarters to a house in Sackville-street,where I had lodged when I was a widow. From thence I sent a messageto the duke of L--, desiring he would make my lord acquainted with theplace of my abode, my reasons for removing, and my intention to defendmyself against all his attempts. The first night of this separation Iwent to bed by myself with as much pleasure as a man would feel in goingto bed to his mistress whom he had long solicited in vain, so rejoicedwas I to be delivered from my obnoxious bedfellow!

  "From these lodgings I soon moved to Brook-street, where I had not longenjoyed the sweets of my escape, when I was importuned to return, by anew steward whom my lord had engaged in the room of H--. This gentleman,who bore a very fair character, made such judicious representations, andbehaved so candidly in the discharge of his function, that I agreedhe should act as umpire in the difference betwixt us, and once morea reconciliation was effected, though his lordship began to bedissatisfied even before the execution of our agreement; in consequenceof which he attended me to Bath, whither I went for the benefit of myhealth, which was not a little impaired.

  "This accommodation had a surprising effect upon my lover, who,notwithstanding his repeated declarations, that no woman should evergain such an ascendancy over his heart as to be able to give him pain,suffered all the agonies of disappointed love, when he now found himselfdeprived of the opportunities of seeing me, and behaved very differentlyfrom what he had imagined he should. His words and actions weredesperate: one of his expressions to me was, "It is like twisting myheart-strings, and tearing it out of my body." Indeed, I never shouldhave acted this part had I foreseen what he would have suffered; butI protest I believed him, when he said otherwise, so much, that hisdeclaration on that subject was the occasion of my giving him up; and itwas now too late to retract.

  "In our expedition to Bath, I was accompanied by a very agreeable younglady, with whom I passed my time very happily, amid the diversions ofthe place, which screened me, in a good measure, from the vexatioussociety of my hopeful partner. From this place we repaired to his seatin the country, where we spent a few months, and thence returned againto our house in Bond-street. Here, while I was confined to my bed byillness, it was supposed my indisposition was no other than a privatelying-in, though I was under the roof with my lord, and attended by hisservants.

  "While the distemper continued, my lord, to do him justice, behaved withall imaginable tenderness and care; and his concern on these occasions Ihave already mentioned as a strange inconsistency in his disposition.If his actions were at all accountable, I should think he took pains tofret me into a fever first, in order to manifest his love and humanityafterwards. When I recovered my strength and spirits, I went abroad,saw company, and should have been easy, had he been contented; but asmy satisfaction increased, his good-humour decayed, and he banished fromhis house, one by one, all the people whose conversation could have mademy life agreeable.

  "I often expostulated with him on his malignant behaviour, protestingmy desire of living peaceably with him, and begging he would not layme under the necessity of changing my measures. He was deaf to allmy remonstrances, though I warned him more than once of the event,persisted in his maxims of persecution; and, after repeated quarrels, Iagain left his house fully determined to suffer all sorts of extremity,rather than subject myself to the tyranny of his disposition.

  "This year was productive of one fatal event, which I felt withthe utmost sensibility of sorrow, and I shall always remember withregret:--I mean the death of Mr. B--, with whom I had constantlymaintained an intimate correspondence since the first commencement ofour acquaintance. He was one of the most valuable men, and promisedto be one of the brightest ornaments that this or any other age hadproduced. I enjoyed his friendship without reserve; and such was theconfidence he reposed in my integrity, from long experience of my truth,that he often said he would believe my bare assertion, even though itshould contradict the evidence of his own senses. These being the termsupon which we lived, it is not to be supposed that I bore the loss ofhim without repining. Indeed, my grief was unspeakable; and, though theedge of it be now smoothed by the lenient hand of time, I shall nevercease to cherish his memory with the most tender remembrance.

  "During the last period of my living with my lord, I had agreed to theexpediency of obtaining an act of parliament, which would enable him topay his debts; on which occasion there was a necessity of cancelling adeed that subsisted between us, relating to a separate maintenance, towhich, on certain provisions, I was entitled; and this was to be setaside, so far as it interfered with the above-mentioned scheme, whilethe rest of it should remain in force. When this affair was about tobe transacted, my lord very generously insisted upon my concurrence inannulling the whole settlement; and, when I refused to comply with thisdemand, because this was the sole resource I had against his ill-usage,he would not proceed in the execution of his plan, though, by droppingit, he hurt nobody but himself; and he accused me of having receded frommy word, after I had drawn him into considerable expense.

  "This imputation of breaking my word, which I defy the whole world toprove I ever did, incensed me the more, as I myself had proposed thescheme for his service, although I knew the accomplishment of it wouldendanger the validity of my own settlement; and my indignation was stillmore augmented by the behaviour of Mr. G--, who had always professeda regard for my interest, and upon my last accommodation with my lord,undertaken to effect a reconciliation between my father and me; but,when he was questioned about the particulars of this difference, anddesired to declare whether his lordship or I was to blame, he declinedthe office of arbitrator, refused to be explicit upon the subject, andby certain shrewd hums and ha's, signified his disapprobation of myconduct. Yet this very man, when I imparted to him, in confidence, myintention of making another retreat, and frankly asked his opinion ofmy design, seemed to acquiesce in the justice of it in these remarkablewords: 'Madam, if I thought or had hopes of my lord growing better, Iwould down on my knees to desire you to stay; but, as I have not, I saynothing.'

  "If he connived at my conduct in this particular, why should hedisapprove of it when all I asked was but common justice? But he wasa dependant; and therefore I excuse his phlegmatic, not to call itunfriendly, behaviour. Indeed, he could not be too cautious of givingoffence to his lordship, who sometimes made him feel the effects of thatwrath which other people had kindled; particularly in consequence of asmall adventure which happened about this very period of time.

  "A very agreeable, sprightly, good-natured young man, a near relation ofmy lord, happening to be at our house one evening, when there was a firein the neighbourhood, we agreed to go and sup at the tavern en famille;and, having spent the evening with great mirth and good-humour, thisyoung gentleman, who was naturally facetious, in taking his leave,saluted us all round. My lord, who had before entertained some jealousyof his kinsman, was very much provoked by this trifling incident, butvery prudently suppressed his displeasure till he returned to his ownhouse, where his rage co-operating with the champagne he had drunk,inflamed him to such a degree of resolution,
that he sprang upon theinnocent G--, and collared him with great fury, though he was altogetherunconcerned in the cause of his indignation.

  "This extravagant and frantic behaviour, added to other grievances underwhich I laboured, hastened my resolution of leaving him; and he, to thisday, blames his relation as the immediate cause of my escape, whereashe ought to place it to the account of his own madness and indiscretion.When I retired to Park-street, he cautioned all my tradesmen, not evenexcepting my baker, against giving me credit, assuring them that hewould not pay any debts I should contract; and the difficulties to whichI was reduced, in consequence of this charitable declaration, togetherwith the reflection of what I had suffered, and might undergo, from thecaprice and barbarity of his disposition, affected my health so much,that I was again taken ill, and my life thought in danger.

  "My constitution, however, got the better of my distemper, and I wasordered into the country by my physicians, for the benefit of the air;so that I found myself under the necessity of keeping two houses, whenI was little able to support one, and set up my chariot, because I couldnot defray the expense of a hackney-coach; for I had as much creditgiven me as I asked for, notwithstanding my lord's orders to thecontrary.

  "Having recruited my spirits in the country, I returned to town, andwas visited by my friends, who never forsook me in adversity, and in thesummer removed to a house in Essex, where I lived a few months in greattranquility, unmolested by my tyrant, who sometimes gave me a wholeyear's respite. Here I used to ride and drive by turns, as my humourdictated, with horses which were lent me; and I had the company of mylover, and another gentleman, who was a very agreeable companion, and ofsingular service to me in the sequel.

  "At last, my lord having received intelligence of the place of my abode,and his tormenting humour recurring, he set out for my habitation, andin the morning appeared in his coach and six, attended by Mr. G--and another person, whom he had engaged for the purpose, with severaldomestics armed. I immediately shut up my doors at his approach, andrefused him admittance, which he endeavoured to obtain by a successionof prayers and threats; but I was deaf to both, and resolved to hold outto the last. Seeing me determined, he began his attack, and his servantsactually forced their way into the house; upon which I retreatedup-stairs, and fortified myself in my apartment, which the assailantsstormed with such fury, that the door began to give way, and I retiredinto another room.

  "Whilst I remained in this post, Mr. G-- demanded a parley, in which hebegged I would favour my lord with an interview, otherwise he knew notwhat might be the consequence. To this remonstrance I replied, that Iwas not disposed to comply with his request; and though theirdesign should be murder, I was not at all afraid of death. Upon thisdeclaration they renewed their attacks, which they carried on withindifferent success till the afternoon, when my lord, as if he had beenat play, sent a formal message to me, desiring that all hostilitiesshould cease, till after both parties should have dined. At the sametime, my own servants came for instructions; and I ordered them to lethim have everything which he should call for, as far as the house wouldafford.

  "He did not fail to make use of this permission; but sitting down withhis companions, ate up my dinner without hesitation, after he had paidme the compliment of desiring to know what he should send up to myapartment. Far from having any stomach to partake of his meal, I satsolitary upon my bed, in a state of melancholy expectation, havingfastened the door of the outward room for my security, while I kept mychamber open for the convenience of air, the weather being excessivelyhot. His lordship, having indulged his appetite, resumed his attempt,and all of a sudden I heard a noise in the next room; upon which Istarted up, and perceiving that he had got into my ante-chamber, by thehelp of a bench that stood under the window, I flung to the door of myroom, which I locked with great expedition, and opening another thatcommunicated with the staircase, ran out of the house, through a crowdof more than a hundred people, whom this fray had gathered together.

  "Being universally beloved in the neighbourhood, and respected by mylord's servants, I passed among them untouched, and took refuge ina neighbouring cottage; while his lordship bawled and roared forassistance, being afraid to come out as he had gone in. Without waitingfor his deliberations, I changed clothes with the poor woman who hadgiven me shelter, and in her blue apron and straw hat sallied out intothe fields, intending to seek protection in the house of a gentleman notfar off, though I was utterly ignorant of the road that led me to it.However, it was my good fortune to meet with a farmer, who undertook toconduct me to the place; otherwise I should have missed my way, andin all probability lain in the fields; for by this time it was eighto'clock at night.

  "Under the direction of this guide, I traversed hedges and ditches; forI would not venture to travel in the highway, lest I should fall intothe hands of my pursuer, and after I had actually tumbled into the mire,and walked six or seven long miles by the help of a good spirit, whichnever failed me on such occasions, I arrived at the place, and rung thebell at the garden gate for admittance. Seeing my figure, which was veryuncouth, together with my draggled condition, they denied me entrance;but, when they understood who I was, immediately opened the door, and Iwas hospitably entertained, after having been the subject of mirth, onaccount of my dress and adventure.

  "Next day I returned and took possession of my house again, where Iresumed my former amusements, which I enjoyed in quiet for the spaceof a whole month, waiting with resignation for the issue of my lawsuit;when, one afternoon, I was apprised of his lordship's approach by oneof my spies, whom I always employed to reconnoitre the road; and sofortunate was I in the choice of these scouts, that I never was betrayedby one of them, though they were often bribed for that purpose. Ino sooner received this intelligence, than I ordered my horse to besaddled, and, mounting, rode out of sight immediately, directing mycourse a different way from the London road. I had not long proceededin this track, when my career was all of a sudden stopped by a five-bargate, which, after some hesitation, I resolved to leap (my horse beingan old hunter), if I should find myself pursued. However, with muchdifficulty I made a shift to open it, and arrived in safety at the houseof my very good friend Mr. G--, who, being a justice of the peace, hadpromised me his protection, if it should be wanted.

  "Thus secured for the present, I sent out spies to bring information ofhis lordship's proceedings, and understood that he had taken possessionof my house, turned my servants adrift, and made himself master of allmy movables, clothes, and papers. As for the papers, they were of noconsequence, but of clothes I had a good stock; and, when I had reasonto believe that he did not intend to relinquish his conquest, I thoughtit was high time for me to remove to a greater distance from hisquarters. Accordingly, two days after my escape, I set out at eleveno'clock at night, in a chariot and four, which I borrowed of my friend,attended by a footman, who was a stout fellow, and well armed, Imyself being provided with a brace of good pistols, which I was fullydetermined to use against any person who should presume to lay violenthands upon me, except my lord, for whom a less mortal weapon would havesufficed, such as a bodkin or a tinder-box. Nothing could be fartherfrom my intention than the desire of hurting any living creature, muchless my husband: my design was only to defend myself from cruelty andoppression, which I knew, by fatal experience, would infallibly be mylot, should he get me into his power. And I thought I had as good aright to preserve my happiness, as that which every individual hasto preserve his life, especially against a set of ruffians, who wereengaged to rob me of it for a little dirty lucre.

  "In the midst of our journey, the footman came up, and told me I wasdogged; upon which I looked out, and, seeing a man riding by the chariotside, presented one of my pistols out of my window, and preserved thatposture of defence, until he thought proper to retreat, and rid me ofthe fears that attended his company. I arrived in town, and, changingmy equipage, hired an open chaise, in which, though I was almost starvedwith cold, I travelled to Reading, which I reached by ten next morn
ing;and from thence proceeded farther in the country, with a view of takingrefuge with Mrs. C--, who was my particular friend. Here I shouldhave found shelter, though my lord had been beforehand with me, andendeavoured to prepossess her against my conduct, had not the housebeen crowded with company, among whom I could not possibly have beenconcealed, especially from her brother, who was an intimate friend of mypersecutor.

  "Things being thus situated, I enjoyed but a very short interview withher, in which her sorrow and perplexity on my account appeared withgreat expression in her countenance; and, though it was not in her powerto afford me the relief I expected, she, in the most genteel manner,sent after me a small sum of money, thinking that, considering the hurryin which I left my house, I might have occasion for it on the road. Iwas, by this time, benumbed with cold, fatigued with travelling, andalmost fretted to death by my disappointment. However, this was no timeto indulge despondence; since nobody could or would assist me, I stoodthe more in need of my own resolution and presence of mind. After somedeliberation, I steered my course back to London; and, being unwillingto return by the same road in which I came, as well as impatient to beat the end of my journey, I chose the Bagshot way, and ventured to crossthe heath by moonlight.

  "Here I was attacked by a footpad armed with a broad-sword, who cameup and demanded my money. My stock amounted to twelve guineas; and Iforesaw that should I be stripped of the whole sum, I could not travelwithout discovering who I was, and consequently running the risk ofbeing detected by my pursuer. On these considerations, I gave the fellowthree guineas and some silver; with which he was so far from beingsatisfied, that he threatened to search me for more: but I ordered thecoachman to proceed, and by good fortune escaped that ceremony, thoughI was under some apprehension of being overtaken with a pistol bullet inmy flight, and therefore held down my head in the chaise, in imitationof some great men, who are said to have ducked in the same manner inthe day of battle. My fears happened to be disappointed: I lay at an innupon the road, and next day arrived in town, in the utmost difficultyand distress; for I knew not where to fix my habitation, and wasdestitute of all means of support. In this dilemma, I applied to mylawyer, who recommended me to the house of a tradesman in Westminster,where I lodged and boarded upon credit, with my faithful Abigail (whom Ishall distinguish by the name of Mrs. S--), for the space of ten weeks,during which I saw nobody, and never once stirred abroad.

  "While I was thus harassed out of all enjoyment of life, and reducedto the utmost indigence, by the cruelty of my persecutor, who had evenstripped me of my wearing apparel, I made a conquest of Lord D--,a nobleman who is now dead, and therefore I shall say little of hischaracter, which is perfectly well known: this only will I observe,that, next to my own tyrant, he was the person of whom I had thegreatest abhorrence. Nevertheless, when these two came in competition,I preferred the offers of this new lover, which were very considerable;and as an asylum was the chief thing I wanted, agreed to follow himto his country seat, whither I actually sent my clothes, which I hadpurchased upon credit.

  "However, upon mature deliberation, I changed my mind, and signified myresolution in a letter, desiring at the same time that my baggage mightbe sent back. In consequence of this message, I expected a visit fromhim, in all the rage of indignation and disappointment, and gave ordersthat he should not be admitted into my house yet, notwithstanding thisprecaution, he found means to procure entrance; and one of the firstobjects that I saw, next morning, in my bedchamber, was my lover, armedwith a horsewhip, against which, from the knowledge of the man, I didnot think myself altogether secure; though I was not much alarmed,because I believed myself superior to him in point of bravery, shouldthe worst come to the worst. But, contrary to my expectation, and hisusual behaviour to our sex, he accosted me very politely, and began toexpostulate on the contents of my letter. I freely told him, that I hadrashly assented to his proposal, for my own convenience only; that, whenI reflected on what I had done, I thought it ungenerous in me to livewith him upon these terms; and that, as I did not like him, andcould not dissemble, such a correspondence could never tend to thesatisfaction of either. He allowed the inference was just, though hewas very much chagrined at my previous proceeding. He relinquished hisclaim, restored my clothes, and never afterwards upbraided me with myconduct in this affair; though he at one time owned, that he still lovedme, and ever should, because I had used him ill; a declaration thatstrongly marks the peculiarity of his character. As for my own part, Iown that my behaviour on this occasion is no other way excusable, thanon account of the miserable perplexity of my circumstances, which wereoften so calamitous, that I wonder I have not been compelled to takesuch steps as would have rendered my conduct much more exceptionablethan it really is.

  "At last all my hopes were blasted by the issue of my suit, which wasdetermined in favour of my lord. Even then I refused to yield: on thecontrary, coming out of retirement, I took lodgings in Suffolk-street,and set my tyrant at defiance. But, being unwilling to trust my doorsto the care of other people, I hired a house in Conduit-street; and nosooner appeared in the world again, than I was surrounded by divers andsundry sorts of admirers. I believe I received the incense and addressesof all kinds under the sun, except that sort which was most to myliking, a man capable of contracting and inspiring a mutual attachment;but such a one is equally rare and inestimable; not but that I ownmyself greatly obliged to all those who cultivated my good graces,though they were very little beholden to me; for where I did not reallylove, I could never profess that passion; that sort of dissimulation isa slavery that no honest nature will undergo. Except one worthy youngman whom I sometimes saw, they were a strange medley of insignificantbeings: one was insipid, another ridiculously affected, a third void ofall education, a fourth altogether inconsistent; and, in short, I foundas many trifling characters among the men, as ever I observed in my ownsex. Some of them I endeavoured to bring over to my maxims, while theyattempted to make a proselyte of me; but, finding the task impracticableon both sides, we very wisely dropped each other.

  "At length, however, I was blessed with the acquaintance of onenobleman, who is, perhaps, the first character in England, in pointof honour, integrity, wit, sense, and benevolence; when I have thusdistinguished him, I need scarce mention Lord --. This great, this goodman, possesses every accomplishment requisite to inspire admiration,love, and esteem. With infinitely more merit than almost ever fell toone man's share, he manifests such diffidence of his own qualifications,as cannot fail to prepossess every company in his favour. He seems toobserve nothing, yet sees everything; his manner of telling a story,and making trifles elegant, is peculiar to himself; and, though he hasa thousand oddities, they serve only to make him more agreeable. Afterwhat I have said, it may be supposed that I was enamoured of his person;but this was not the case; love is altogether capricious and fanciful;yet I admire, honour, and esteem him to the highest degree, and when Iobserve that his character resembled that of my dear departed friend Mr.B--; or rather, that Mr. B--, had he lived, would have resembled Lord--, I pay the highest compliment I can conceive both to the living andto the dead.

  "In this nobleman's friendship and conversation I thought myself happy;though I was, as usual, exposed to the indefatigable efforts of my lord,who, one day, while I was favoured with the company of this generousfriend, appeared at my door in his coach, attended by another gentleman,who demanded entrance with an air of authority. A very honestfootman, who had been long in my service, ran upstairs in the utmostconsternation, and gave me an account of what had happened below. Uponwhich I told him he had nothing to answer for, and ordered him to keepthe door fast shut against all opposition; though I was so much affectedwith this unexpected assault, that Lord -- said he was never moresurprised and shocked in his life, than at the horror which appeared inmy countenance, when I saw the coach stop at my door.

  "My little hero being refused admittance, went away, threatening toreturn speedily with a reinforcement; and during this interval, Iprovided myself with
a soldier, whom I placed sentinel at the door,within side, to guard me from the danger of such assaults for thefuture. My lord, true to his promise, marched back with his auxiliaries,reinforced with a constable, and repeated his demand of being admitted;and my soldier opening the sash, in order to answer him, according to mydirections, he no sooner perceived the red coat, than he was seized withsuch a panic, that he instantly fled with great precipitation; and, whenhe recounted the adventure, like Falstaff in the play, multiplied myguard into a whole file of musqueteers. He also made a shift to discoverthe gentleman who had been so kind as to lend me one of his company, andcomplained of him to the duke of N--, in hopes of seeing him broke forhis misdemeanour; but in that expectation he was luckily disappointed.

  "Perceiving that in England I should never enjoy peace, but becontinually subject to those alarms and disquiets which had alreadyimpaired my health and spirits, I resolved to repair again to France,my best refuge and sure retreat from the persecution of my tyrant. Yet,before I took this step, I endeavoured, by the advice of my friends, toconceal myself near Windsor; but was in a little time discovered by mylord, and hunted out of my lurking-place accordingly. I then removedto Chelsea, where I suffered inconceivable uneasiness and agitationof mind, from the nature of my situation, my tranquility being thusincessantly invaded by a man who could not be satisfied with me, and yetcould not live without me. So that, though I was very much indisposed,I set out for France, by way of the Hague, as the war had shut up allother communication, having no other attendant but my woman S--, who,though she dreaded the sea, and was upon the brink of matrimony, wouldnot quit me in such a calamitous condition, until I was joined by myfootman and another maid, whom I ordered to follow me with the baggage.But, before my departure, I sent a message to Lord --, demanding myclothes, which he had seized in Essex; and, he refusing to deliver them,I was obliged to equip myself anew, upon credit.

  "I was supplied with money for my journey by my good friend L--; and,after a short and pleasant passage, arrived at the Hague, where Istayed two months, and parted with S--, on whom I settled an annuityof five-and-twenty pounds, payable out of the provision which I had ormight obtain from my husband. The same allowance had I prevailed uponLord B-- to grant to another maid, who attended me while I lived in hishouse.

  "I did not much relish the people in Holland, because they seemedentirely devoted to self-interest, without any taste for pleasure orpoliteness; a species of disposition that could not be very agreeableto me, who always despised money, had an unbounded benevolence ofheart, and loved pleasure beyond every other consideration. When Isay pleasure, I would not be understood to mean sensuality, whichconstitutes the supreme happiness of those only who are void ofsentiment and imagination. Nevertheless, I received some civilities inthis place, and, among the rest, the reputation of having for my loverthe king of P--'s minister, who was young and airy, and visited meoften; circumstances that were sufficient to lay me under the imputationof an amour, which I frequently incurred without having given the leastcause of suspicion.

  "Having taken leave of my Dutch friends, I departed from the Hague, incompany with an English woman, whom I had chosen for that purpose, andarrived at Antwerp with much difficulty and danger, the highway beinginfested with robbers. After having reposed myself a few days in thiscity, I hired a coach for myself, and set out with my companion forBrussels; but, before we reached Mechlin, our vehicle was attacked bytwo hussars, who, with their sabres drawn, obliged the coachman todrive into a wood near the road. I at first imagined that they wanted toexamine our passports, but was soon too well convinced of their design;and, though very much shocked at the discovery, found resolution enoughto suppress my concern, so that it should not aggravate the terrorsof the young woman, who had almost died with apprehension. I evenencouraged her to hope for the best; and, addressing myself to therobbers in French, begged, in the most suppliant manner, that theywould spare our lives; upon which one of them, who was a little fellow,assured me, in the same language, that we had nothing to fear for ourpersons.

  "When we were conveyed in a state of dreadful suspense aboutthree-quarters of a mile into the wood, the ruffians came into thecoach, and, taking my keys, which I kept ready in my hand for them,opened three large trunks that contained my baggage, and emptying themof everything but my hoops and a few books, packed up their booty in acloth; then robbed me of my money and jewels, even to my shoe-bucklesand sleeve-buttons, took my footman's laced hat, and gave it, by wayof gratification, to a peasant, who came from behind the bushes, andassisted them in packing.

  "This affair being despatched, they ordered us to return to the road bya different way from that in which we were carried into the wood; andmounting their horses, rode off with the plunder, though not beforethe little fellow, who was the least ferocious of the two, had come andshaken me by the hand, wishing us a good journey; a compliment which Iheartily returned, being extremely well pleased with the retreat of twosuch companions, who had detained us a whole half-hour; during which,notwithstanding the assurance I had received, I was in continualapprehension of seeing their operation concluded with the murder ofus all; for I supposed they were of that gang who had some time beforemurdered a French officer, and used a lady extremely ill, after havingrifled her of all she had.

  "Having thus undergone pillage, and being reduced to the extremityof indigence in a foreign land, it is not to be supposed that myreflections were very comfortable; and yet, though I sustained the wholedamage, I was the only person in the company who bore the accident withany resolution and presence of mind. My coachman and valet seemed quitepetrified with fear; and it was not till I had repeated my directionsthat the former drove farther into the wood, and took the first turningto the right, in order to regain the road, according to the command ofthe robbers, which I did not choose to disobey.

  "This misfortune I suffered by the misinformation I received at Antwerp,where I would have provided myself with an escort, had not I beenassured that there was not the least occasion to put myself to suchextraordinary expense. And, indeed, the robbers took the only half-hourin which they could have had an opportunity of plundering us; for we nosooner returned into the highway, than we met with the French artillerycoming from Brussels, which was a security to us during the rest of ourjourney. We were afterwards informed at a small village, that there wasactually a large gang of deserters, who harboured in that wood, fromwhich they made excursions in the neighbourhood, and kept the peasantsin continual alarms.

  "Having proceeded a little way, we were stopped by the artillerycrossing a bridge; and, as the train was very long, must have beendetained till night, had not a soldier informed me, that, if I wouldtake the trouble to come out of my coach, and apply to the commandant,he would order them to halt, and allow me to pass. I took the man'sadvice, and was by him conducted, with much difficulty, through thecrowd, to some officers, who seemed scarce to deserve the name; for,when I signified my request, they neither rose up, nor desired me to sitdown; but, lolling in their chairs, with one leg stretched out, asked,with an air of disrespectful raillery where I was going; and when Ianswered, "To Paris," desired to know what I would do there.

  "I, who am naturally civil where I am civilly used, and saucy enoughwhere I think myself treated with disregard, was very much piqued attheir insolent and unmannerly behaviour, and began to reply to theimpertinent questions very abruptly; so that a very tart dialogue wouldhave ensued, had not the conversation been interrupted by a tall, thin,genteel young French nobleman, an officer in the army, who, chancingto come in, asked with great politeness, what I would please to have. Ithen repeated my desire, and produced my passports, by which he learnedwho I was. He immediately gave orders that my coach should pass; andafterwards visited me at Paris, having obtained my permission, andtaken my address at parting; while the others, understanding my name andquality, asked pardon for their impolite carriage, which they toldme was owing to the representation of the soldier, who gave them tounderstand that I was a strolling actr
ess.

  "I could not help laughing heartily at this mistake, which might haveproceeded from the circumstances of my appearance, my footman havingbeen obliged to change hats with the peasant, and myself being withoutbuckles on my shoes and buttons on my riding-skirt, while my countenancestill retained marks of the fear and confusion I had undergone. Afterall, perhaps the fellow was a droll, and wanted to entertain himself atmy expense. The day was so far consumed in these adventures, that I wasobliged to take up my lodgings at Mechlin, where I addressed myself tothe intendant, giving him an account of the disaster I had met with, anddesiring I might have credit at the inn, as our whole company could notraise the value of a sixpence. This gentleman, though a provincial, waspolite in his way, and not only granted my request, but invited me tolodge at his own house. I accordingly gave him my company at supper, butdid not choose to sleep at his quarters, because he appeared to be whatthe French call un vieux debauche.

  "Next day, he sent a trumpet to the general, with a detail of mymisfortune, in hopes of retrieving what I had lost; but, notwithstandingall possible search, I was fain to put up with my damage, which, inlinen, laces, clothes, and baubles, amounted to upwards of seven hundredpounds, a loss which never deprived me of one moment's rest; for, thoughI lodged at a miserable inn, and lay in a paltry bed, I slept as soundas if nothing extraordinary had happened, after I had written to Londonand Paris, directing that the payment of my bills of credit mightbe stopped. Indeed, I know of but two misfortunes in life capable ofdepressing my spirits, namely, the loss of health and friends; allothers may be prevented or endured. The articles of that calamity whichI chiefly regretted, were a picture of Lord W--, and some inimitableletters from Mr. B--.

  "From Mechlin I proceeded to Brussels, where, being known, I got creditfor some necessaries, and borrowed twenty guineas to defray the expenseof my journey to Paris. Having consulted with my friends about thesafest method of travelling through Flanders, I was persuaded to takeplaces in the public voiture; and accordingly departed, not withoutfears of finding one part of the country as much infested with robbersas another. Nor were these apprehensions assuaged by the conversationof my fellow-travellers, who, being of the lower sort of people, thatdelight in exaggerating dangers, entertained me all the way with anaccount of all the robberies and murders which had been committed onthat road, with many additional circumstances of their own invention.After having been two days exposed to this comfortable conversation,among very disagreeable company, which is certainly one of the mostdisagreeable situations in life, I arrived at Lisle, where, thinking thedangerous part of the journey was now past, I hired a post-chaise, andin two days more reached Paris without any further molestation.

  "Upon my arrival in the capital, I was immediately visited by my oldacquaintances, who, hearing my disaster, offered me their clothes, andinsisted upon my wearing them, until I could be otherwise provided. Theylikewise engaged me in parties, with a view of amusing my imagination,that I might not grow melancholy in reflecting upon my loss; and desiredme to repeat the particulars of my story forty times over, expressinggreat surprise at our not being murdered, or ravished at least. As forthis last species of outrage, the fear of it never once entered my head,otherwise I should have been more shocked and alarmed than I reallywas. But it seems this was the chief circumstance of my companion'sapprehension; and I cannot help observing, that a homely woman is alwaysmore apt to entertain those fears, than one whose person exposes her tomuch more imminent danger. However, I now learned, that the risk Iran was much greater than I imagined it to be, those ruffians beingfamiliarized to rape as well as murder.

  "Soon after my appearance at Paris, I was favoured with the addressesof several French lovers; but I never had any taste for foreigners, orindeed for any amusement of that kind, except such as were likely to belasting, and settled upon a more agreeable footing than that of commongallantry. When I deviated from this principle, my conduct was theeffect of compulsion, and therefore I was never easy under it, havingbeen reduced to the alternative of two evils, the least of which I wasobliged to choose, as a man leaps into the sea, in order to escape froma ship that is on fire.

  "Though I rejected their love, I did not refuse their company andconversation; and, though my health was considerably impaired by theshock I received in my last adventure, which was considerably greaterthan I at first imagined, and affected my companion so much, that shedid not recover her spirits till she returned to England, I say,though I was for some time a valetudinarian, I enjoyed myself in greattranquility for the space of ten months, during which I was visitedby English, Scotch, and French, of all parties and persuasions; forpleasure is of no faction, and that was the chief object of my pursuit;neither was I so ambitious of being a politician, as to employ my timeand thoughts upon subjects which I did not understand. I had admirers ofall sides, and should have spent my time very much to my liking, had notI felt my funds sensibly diminish, without any prospect of their beingrepaired; for I had been obliged to lay out a great part of the sumallotted for my subsistence, in supplying my companion, my servant, andmyself with necessaries, in lieu of those which we had lost.

  "Having before my eyes the uncomfortable prospect of wanting money ina strange place, I found myself under the necessity of returning toEngland, where I had more resources than I could possibly have amongforeigners; and with that view wrote to Lord --'s agents, desiring thatI might be enabled to discharge my obligations at Paris, by the paymentof my pin-money. Thus a negotiation commenced, and his lordship promisedto remit money for the clearance of my Paris debts, which amounted tofour hundred pounds: but he would not advance one farthing more, thoughI gave him to understand, that, while he protracted the agreement, Imust inevitably be adding to my encumbrances, and that I should beas effectually detained by a debt of twenty pounds, as if I owed athousand. Notwithstanding all my representations, he would not part withone shilling over the net sum which I at first stipulated; so thatall my measures were rendered abortive, and I found it altogetherimpracticable to execute those resolutions I had formed in his favour.

  "Thus did he for a mere trifle embarrass the woman for whom he professedthe most unlimited love, and whose principles he pretended to hold inthe utmost veneration. Indeed, his confidence in my integrity was notwithout foundation; for many wives, with one half of my provocation,would have ruined him to all intents and purposes; whereas,notwithstanding all the extraordinary expenses to which I had beenexposed by his continual persecution, he never paid a shilling on myaccount except one thousand pounds, exclusive of the small allowancewhich was my due. In a word, so much time elapsed before my lord couldprevail upon himself to advance the bare four hundred, that I wasinvolved in fresh difficulties, from which I found it impossible toextricate myself; and though I had occasion to write a letter to mybenefactor Lord --, in which I expressed my acknowledgment of pastfavours, I could not venture to solicit more, even when I was encouragedby a very obliging answer, wherein he declared, that the good qualitiesof my mind and heart would bind him to me in friendship for ever.

  "While I ruminated on my uncomfortable situation, which would neitherpermit me to return to England, nor to stay much longer where I was, ayoung Englishman of immense fortune took Paris in his way from Italy,accompanied by a most agreeable Scotchman of very good sense and greatvivacity. It was my good or ill fortune to become acquainted with thesegentlemen, who, having seen me at the opera, expressed a desire of beingknown to me, and accordingly favoured me with a visit one afternoon,when the brisk North Briton engrossed the whole conversation, whilethe other seemed fearful and diffident even to a degree of bashfulness,through which, however, I could discern a delicate sensibility anduncommon understanding. There was in his person, which was veryagreeable, as well as in his behaviour, a certain naivete that was verypleasing; and, at this first interview, we relished each other's companyso well, that a sort of intimacy immediately commenced, and was carriedon in a succession of parties of pleasure, in the course of which Ifound him fraught wi
th all the tenderness and sentiment that renderthe heart susceptible of the most refined love; a disposition thatimmediately made me partial to him, while it subjected his own heart toall the violent impressions of a passion, which I little imagined ourcorrespondence would have produced.

  "Nevertheless, I was far from being displeased with my conquest, becausehis person and qualifications, as well as his manner of address, werevery much to my liking, and recommended him in a particular manner tomy affection. Indeed, he made greater progress in my heart than I myselfsuspected; for there was something congenial in our souls, which, fromour first meeting, I believe, had attracted us, unknown to ourselves,under the notions of friendship and regard, and now disclosed itself inthe most passionate love.

  "I listened to his addresses, and we were truly happy. His attachmentwas the quintessence of tenderness and sincerity, while his generosityknew no bounds. Not contented with having paid twelve hundred pounds onmy account, in the space of one fortnight, he would have loaded mewith present after present, had I not absolutely refused to acceptsuch expensive marks of his munificence. I was even mortified at thoseinstances of his liberality, which my situation compelled me to receive,lest, being but little acquainted with my disposition, he should suspectme of being interested in my love, and judge my conduct by the maliciousreports of common fame, which, he afterwards owned, had at firstobtained such credit with him, that he believed our mutual attachmentwould not be of long duration. But, in this particular, he was soonundeceived. His heart, though naturally adapted for the melting passion,had hitherto escaped untouched by all the ladies of Italy and France;and, therefore, the first impressions were the more deeply fixed. As hewas unpractised in the ways of common gallantry and deceit, the strikingsimplicity in his character was the more likely to engage the heart ofone who knew the perfidy of the world, and despised all the farce andbombast of fashionable profession, which I had always considered as thephrase of vanity and ostentation, rather than the genuine languageof love. Besides, gratitude had a considerable share in augmenting myaffection, which manifested itself in such a warm, cordial, artlessmanner, as increased his esteem, and riveted his attachment; for hecould easily perceive, from the whole tenor of my conduct, that mybreast was an utter stranger to craft and dissimulation; yet I was atfirst fearful of contracting any engagement with him, because, beingyounger than me, he might be more apt to change, and the world might bemalicious enough to suppose I had practised upon his inexperience; but,conscious of my own integrity, I set slander at defiance, trusting to myown behaviour, and his natural probity, for the continuance of his love.Though we did not live together in the same house, the greatest part ofour time was spent in each other's company; we dined and supped at thesame table, frequented public places, went upon parties to the country,and never parted, but for a few hours in the night, which we passed inthe utmost impatience to meet again.

  "In this agreeable manner did the days roll on, when my felicity wasinterrupted by a fit of jealousy with which I happened to be seized. Ihad contracted an acquaintance with a young married lady, who, thoughher personal attractions were but slender, was upon the whole anagreeable, cheerful, good-natured companion, with a little dash ofthe coquette in her composition. This woman being in very indigentcircumstances, occasioned by some losses her husband had sustained, nosooner had an opportunity of seeing and conversing with my lover,than she formed the design of making a conquest of him. I should haveforgiven her for this scheme, whatever pangs it might have cost me, hadI believed it the effect of real passion; but I knew her too well tosuppose her heart was susceptible of love, and accordingly resented it.In the execution of her plan, she neglected nothing which she thoughtcapable of engaging his attention. She took all opportunities of sittingnear him at table, ogled him in the most palpable manner, directed herwhole discourse to him, trod upon his toes; nay, I believe, squeezed hishand. My blood boiled at her, though my pride, for some time, enabledme to conceal my uneasiness; till at length her behaviour became soarrogant and gross, that I could no longer suppress my indignation,and one day told my lover that I would immediately renounce hiscorrespondence.

  "He was greatly alarmed at this unexpected declaration; and, when heunderstood the cause of it, assured me, that, for the future, he wouldnever exchange one word with her. Satisfied with this mark of hissincerity and regard, I released him from his promise, which hecould not possibly keep, while she and I lived upon any terms; and wecontinued to visit each other as usual, though she still persisted inher endeavours to rival me in his affection, and contracted an intimacywith his companion, who seemed to entertain a passion for her, that shemight have the more frequent opportunities of being among us; for shehad no objection against favouring the addresses of both. One evening,I remember, we set out in my coach for the opera; and, in the way,this inamorata was so busy with her feet, that I was incensed at herbehaviour; and, when we arrived at the place, refused to alight; but,setting them down, declared my intention of returning home immediately.She was so much pleased with this intimation, that she could not concealthe joy she felt at the thoughts of conversing with him, uninterruptedby my presence; an opportunity with which I had never favoured herbefore. This open exultation increased my anger and anxiety. I wenthome; but, being still tortured with the reflection of having left themtogether, adjusted myself in the glass, though I was too angry to takenotice of my own figure, and without further delay returned to theopera.

  "Having inquired for the box in which they sat, I took possession of onethat fronted them, and, reconnoitring them, without being perceived, hadthe satisfaction of seeing him removed to as great a distance from heras the place would permit, and his head turned another way. Composed bythis examination, I joined them without further scruple, when my younggentleman expressed great joy at my appearance, and told me he wasdetermined to have left the entertainment, and come in quest of me, hadI not returned at that instant.

  "In our way homewards, my rival repeated her usual hints, and with herlarge hoop almost overshadowed my lover from my view; upon which myjealousy and wrath recurred with such violence, that I pulled the stringas a signal for the coachman to stop, with a view of getting out, andgoing home afoot; a step which would have afforded a new spectacle tothe people of Paris. But I reflected in a moment upon the folly of sucha resolution, and soon recollected myself, by calling my pride to myassistance. I determined, however, that she should act no more scenes ofthis kind in my presence, and that same night insisted upon my lover'sdropping all intercourse and connection with this tormentor. He verycheerfully complied with my desire, and was even glad of an occasion tobreak off his acquaintance with a person about whom I had plagued him somuch.

  "Thus was I freed from the persecution of one of those creatures,who, though of little consequence in themselves, are yet the pests ofsociety, and find means to destroy that harmony which reigns between twolovers, by the intrusion of a loose appetite, void of all sensibilityand discretion; having no feelings themselves, they cannot sympathizewith those of other people; and do mischief out of mere wantonness.

  "My lover being obliged to go to England, had settled me in a genteelhouse in Paris, with a view of returning when his affairs should beadjusted; but, when the time of his departure approached, he began tobe uneasy at the prospect of separation, and, in order to alleviate hisanxiety, desired me to accompany him to Calais, where we stayed togetherthree or four days, during which the dread of parting became more andmore intense; so that we determined upon my following him into Englandat the first opportunity, where I should live altogether incog. thatI might be concealed from the inquiries and attempts of my lord. Evenafter this resolution was fixed, we parted with all the agonies oflovers who despair of ever meeting again; and the wind blowing very highafter he had embarked, increased my fears. But, by the return of thepacket-boat I was blessed with the report of his being safe arrived inEngland, and had the satisfaction of perusing his letters by every post.

  "My admirer being thus detached from me
, my thoughts were entirelyemployed in concerting some private method of conveying myself to him.As I would not trust myself in the common packet, for fear of beingdiscovered, after having revolved divers schemes, I determined totransport myself in one of the Dutch fishing-boats, though I knew thepassage would be hazardous; but, in a case of such interesting concern,I overlooked all danger and inconvenience. Before I put this resolutionin practice, I was so fortunate as to hear of a small English vessel,that arrived in Calais with a prisoner of war, in which I embarked,with my companion and another lady, who lived with me for some timeafterwards; and, when we came on board, discovered that the ship was noother than a light collier, and that her whole company amounted to nomore than three men. Nevertheless, though the sea was so rough, and theweather so unpromising, that no other boat would venture to put to sea,we set sail, and, between two storms, in about three hours arrived insafety in Dover.

  "From hence my first companion went to her friends in the stage-coach,while the other lady and I hired an open post-chaise, though it snowedvery hard, and, without any accident, performed our journey to London,where I met with my lover, who flew to my arms in all the transportsof impatient joy; and, doubtless, I deserved his affection for thehardships, perils, and difficulties I had undergone to be with him;for I never scrupled to undertake anything practicable, in order todemonstrate the sincerity of what I professed. In consequence of ourplan, I assumed a fictitious name, and never appeared in public, beingfully satisfied and happy in the company and conversation of the manI loved; and, when he went into the country, contented myself with hiscorrespondence, which he punctually maintained, in a series of letters,equally sensible, sincere, and affectionate.

  "Upon his return to town for the remainder of the season, he devotedthe greatest part of his time to our mutual enjoyment; left me withreluctance, when he was called away by indispensable business, and thecivility which was due to his acquaintance, and very seldom went to anyplace of public entertainment, because I could not accompany and sharewith him in the diversion; nay, so much did I engross his attention,that one evening, after he had been teased into an agreement of meetingsome friends at a play, he went thither precisely at the appointed hour,and, as they did not arrive punctually at the very minute, he returnedto me immediately, as much rejoiced at his escape as if he had met withsome signal deliverance. Nor was his constancy inferior to the ardourof his love. We went once together to a ball in the Haymarket, where,in the midst of a thousand fine women, whose charms were enhanced by thepeculiarity of the dresses they wore, he remained unshaken, unseduced,preserving his attachment for me in spite of all temptation.

  "In the summer, he provided me with a house in the neighbourhood of hisown; but the accommodations being bad, and that country affording noother place fit for my residence, he brought me home to his own seat,and, by that step, raised such a universal clamour; though I saw nocompany, and led such a solitary life, that nothing but excessive lovecould have supported my spirits. Not but that he gave me as much of histime as he could possibly spare from the necessary duties of paying andreceiving visits, together with the avocations of hunting, and othercountry amusements, which I could not partake. Formerly, indeed, I usedto hunt and shoot, but I had left off both, so that I was now reduced tothe alternative of reading and walking by myself; but love made up forall deficiencies to me, who think nothing else worth the living for. HadI been blessed with a partner for life, who could have loved sincerely,and inspired me with a mutual flame, I would have asked no more of fate.Interest and ambition have no share in my composition; love, which ispleasure, or pleasure, which is love, makes up the whole. A heart sodisposed cannot be devoid of other good qualities; it must be subjectto the impressions of humanity and benevolence, and enemy to nothing butitself. This you will give me leave to affirm, in justice to myself, asI have frankly owned my failings and misconduct.

  "Towards the end of summer, my heart was a little alarmed by a reportthat prevailed, of my lover's being actually engaged in a treaty ofmarriage; however, I gave little credit to this rumour till I wasobliged to go to town about business, and there I heard the sameinformation confidently affirmed. Though I still considered it as avague surmise, I wrote to him an account of what I had heard; and,in his answer, which is still in my possession, he assured me, withrepeated vows and protestations, that the report was altogether false.Satisfied with this declaration, I returned to his house; and, thoughthe tale was incessantly thundered in my ears, still believed it void ofall foundation, till my suspicion was awakened by a very inconsiderablecircumstance.

  "One day, on his return from hunting, I perceived he had a very finepair of Dresden ruffles on his shirt, which I could not suppose he wouldwear at such a rustic exercise; and, therefore, my fears took the alarm.When I questioned him about this particular of his dress, his colourchanged; and though he attempted to elude my suspicion, by imputingit to a mistake of his servant, I could not rest satisfied with thisaccount of the matter, but inquired into the truth with such eagernessand penetration, that he could not deny he had been to make a visit.By degrees, I even extorted from him a confession, that he had engagedhimself further than he ought to have proceeded, without making meacquainted with his design, though he endeavoured to excuse his conduct,and pacify my displeasure, by saying, that the affair would not bebrought to bear for a great while, and, perhaps, might never come to adetermination but he was in great confusion, and, indeed, hardly knewwhat he said.

  "I would have quitted his house that moment, had not he beforehandobtained a promise that I would take no rash resolution of that kind,and put it out of my power to procure any method of conveyance bywhich I could make my retreat. I gave no vent to reproaches, but onlyupbraided him with his having permitted me to return, in ignorance, tothe country, after I was once fairly gone; upon which he swore that hecould not bear the thoughts of parting with me. This declaration was amystery at that time, but I have been since so fully satisfied of hisreasons for his conduct, that I heartily acquit him of all injusticeto me. And, indeed, it is my sincere opinion, that, if ever young mandeserved to be happy, he is certainly entitled to that privilege;and, if I may be allowed to judge, has a heart susceptible of the mostrefined enjoyment.

  "The violence of the grief and consternation which I suffered from thisstroke having a little subsided, I deliberated with myself about themeasures I should take, and determined to leave his house some day whenhe should be abroad. I was encouraged in this resolution by the adviceof our Scotch friend, who came about this time from London, on a visitto his fellow-traveller. We thought such an abrupt departure would beless shocking than to stay and take a formal leave of my lover, whoseheart was of such a delicate frame, that, after I told him I should oneday withdraw myself in his absence, he never came home from the chase,or any other avocation, without trembling with apprehension that I hadescaped.

  "After he had been some time accustomed to these fears by my previousintimation, I at length decamped in good earnest, though my heartached upon the occasion, because I left him loving and beloved; forhis affection was evident, notwithstanding the step he had taken by theadvice and importunity of all his relations, who laid a disagreeablerestraint upon his inclinations, while they consulted his interest inevery other particular.

  "While I halted in the next great town, until I could be suppliedwith fresh horses, I was visited by a gentleman who had been formerlyintimate with my lover; but a breach had happened in their friendship,and he now came to complain of the treatment he had received. Perceivingthat I was not in a humour to listen to his story, he shifted theconversation to my own, and observed, that I had been extremelyill-used. I told him that I was of a different opinion; that it was notonly just, but expedient, that a young man of Mr. --'s fortune shouldthink of making some alliance to strengthen and support the interest ofhis family; and that I had nothing to accuse him of but his lettingme remain so long in ignorance of his intention. He then gave me tounderstand, that I was still ignorant of a great part of t
he ill-usage Ihad received; affirming, that, while I lived in his house, he had amusedhimself with all the common women in that town, to some of whom thisgentleman had personally introduced him.

  "At first, I could not believe this imputation; but he supported hisassertion with so many convincing circumstances, that I could no longerdoubt the truth of them; and I felt so much resentment, that my lovevanished immediately into air. Instead of proceeding on my journey toLondon, I went back a considerable way, and sent a message desiring tosee him in a little house, about midway between his own habitation andthe town from whence I came. He obeyed my summons, and appeared atthe place appointed, where I reproached him with great bitterness.He pleaded guilty to the charge, so far as acknowledging that he hadcorresponded with other women lately, in order to get the better of hisaffection for me, but the experiment had failed, and he found that heshould be for ever miserable.

  "I did not look upon this candid confession as a sufficient atonementfor his past dissimulation, and, in the sharpness of my revenge,demanded a settlement, which he peremptorily refused; so that for thepresent we held each other in the utmost contempt. Indeed, I afterwardsdespised myself for my condescension, which was owing to the adviceof my companion, supported and inflamed by the spirit of resentment.Nevertheless, he begged that I would return to his house, or stay allnight where I was; but I was deaf to his entreaties, and, after a greatdeal of ironical civility on my side, I took my leave, and went away;yet, before I set out, I looked back, and saw him on horseback, withsuch an air of simplicity and truth, as called up a profound sigh,notwithstanding all that had passed in our conversation.

  "Upon my arrival in London, I took lodgings in Leicester-fields, andanswered a letter which I had some months before received from my lord,telling him that I would go home to him, without stipulating for anyterms, to try what effect my confidence would have upon his generosity.He readily embraced the offer, and took a house in St. James's-street,where I proposed to comply with his humour in everything that wasconsistent with my own peace and tranquility.

  "Meanwhile, my lover passed his time very disagreeably in the country,with his friend, of whom, it seems, he had conceived some jealousy,which was increased by a letter I wrote to that gentleman, till he wasmade acquainted with the contents, which he read over forty times; andthen his passion breaking out with more violence than ever, he not onlyexpressed his feeling, in an epistle which I immediately received, butwhen he came to town suffered such agonies of despair as I had neverseen before, except in Lord B--. It was then in my power to have takenample revenge upon him, as well as upon my insolent rival, who hadinsisted upon my leaving his house in a very abrupt manner, though heabsolutely refused to gratify her malice, for he was now disposed todo anything for my satisfaction. But I knew his worth, and had too muchregard for his reputation to advise him to act inconsistent with hishonour.

  "About this time, many tender feelings and sorrowful partings happenedbetween us, till the marriage knot was tied, when he sent me a bank-notefor a thousand pounds, by way of specimen, as he called it, of hisfriendship, and of what he would do for me, should I ever want hisassistance. This mark of his generosity I received in a most tenderbillet, which I shall never part with, together with his picture set indiamonds.

  "I now employed my thoughts in keeping measures with my lord; we layin the same apartment, and for the first four or five months I neitherdined nor supped abroad above twice; and then he knew where I was, andapproved of my company. But all this complacency and circumspection hadno effect upon his temper, which remained as capricious and dissatisfiedas ever. Nay, to such a provoking degree did this unhappy humourprevail, that one day, in the presence of his lawyer, he harangued uponmy misconduct since our last reunion; and very freely affirmed, thatevery step I had taken was diametrically opposite to his will.

  "Conscious of the pains I had been at to please him, I was so incensedat these unjust invectives, that, starting up, I told him he was alittle dirty fellow; and would have left the house immediately, had nothis lawyer, and others, who were in the room, interposed, and by dint ofargument and importunity diverted me from my purpose. By the bye, I havebeen informed by a person of rank, that my lord discovered exactly thesame disposition in his father's lifetime, and only changed the subjectof his complaint from the word father to that of wife. Indeed, he takesall opportunities of plaguing my dear parent, as he has just sagacityenough to know, that this is the most effectual way he can take todistress me.

  "After repeated trials, I have given up all hopes of making him happy,or of finding myself easy in my situation, and live with him at presentto avoid a greater inconvenience. Not that his ill-nature is all thegrievance of which I complain; exclusive of the personal disgust Ientertain for him, his folly is of that species which disobliges ratherthan diverts, and his vanity and affectation altogether intolerable;for he actually believes himself, or at least would impose himself uponmankind, as a pattern of gallantry and taste; and, in point of business.a person of infinite sagacity and penetration. But the most ridiculouspart of his character is his pretended talent for politics, in which heso deeply concerns himself, that he has dismissed many a good servant,because he suspected him of having wrong connections; a theme upon whichhe has often quarrelled with me, even almost to parting, accusing mewith holding correspondence with the earls of B-- and C--, and Mr.H-- V--, though I never had the least acquaintance with any of thesegentlemen, except the earl of C--, to whom I have not spoken these tenyears past.

  "In short, I have often been at a loss to know, whether he was more madand malicious in those fits of enthusiasm, wherein he seemed transportedwith zeal for the commonwealth, and tormented me with his admonitionsout of all temper and patience. At length, however, I contrived anexpedient which freed me from these troublesome expostulations, andsilenced him effectually on the score of politics. This was no otherthan an open avowal of being connected with all those people whom I havenamed. Indeed, I knew him too well to believe there was anything solidin his intention or professions, even when he carried himself so faras to demand a private audience of the k--, in order to communicate ascheme for suppressing the rebellion; and that being denied, solicitedthe duke of D--'s interest, for permission to raise and head a regimentof Kentish smugglers. Nay, to such a pitch did his loyalty soar, that hepurchased a firelock of particular mechanism, calculated for the safetyof the bearer, in case he had been placed sentinel at his Majesty'sdoor, and kept his horses ready caparisoned, with a view of attendinghis sovereign to the field. Notwithstanding all these pompouspreparations, had he been put to the proof, he would have infalliblycrept out of his engagements, through some sneaking evasion, hisimagination being very fertile in such saving pretences. Yet he willtalk sometimes so fervently, and even sensibly, on the subject, that astranger would mistake him for a man of understanding, and determinedzeal for the good of his country.

  "Since my last return to his house, that act of parliament passed, bywhich he was enabled to pay his debts, and, among the rest, a thousandpounds of my contracting, the only burden of that kind I ever entailedupon him, exclusive of my pin-money, which was never regularly paid; norwould he have been subject to this, had he not, by his persecution andpursuit, exposed me to an extraordinary expense. I have also had itin my power to reward some of my faithful Abigails; in particular,to relieve from extreme distress that maid to whom, as I have alreadyobserved, Lord B-- granted an annuity, which she had sold: so that shewas reduced to the most abject poverty; and I found her in a dismalhole, with two infants perishing for want; a spectacle which drew tearsfrom my eyes, and indeed could not but make deep impression upon a heartlike mine, which the misery of my fellow-creatures never failed to melt.

  "Nor did I upon this occasion forget the attachment and fidelity of myother woman Mrs. S--, who, hearing I was robbed in my passage throughFlanders, had generously relinquished the allowance I had settled uponher at parting. The exercise of such acts of humanity and benevolence,and the pleasure of seeing my de
ar and tender parent often, insome measure alleviate the chagrin to which I am subject from thedisagreeable disposition of my lord, who, consistent with his formerinconsistency, upon our last reconciliation, cheerfully agreed to aproposal I made of having concerts in the house, and even approved ofthe scheme with marks of particular satisfaction. But, before one halfof the winter was expired, he found means to banish all the company,beginning with Lord R-- B--, who, as he walked up-stairs one evening,was stopped by a footman, who plainly told him he had orders to say tohim in particular, that his lordship was not at home; yet the very nextday, perceiving that nobleman and me walking together in the park, hejoins us with an air of alacrity, as if no such thing had happened,and even behaved to Lord R-- with the most fawning complaisance.His deportment was equally absurd and impertinent to the rest of hisfriends, who forsook us gradually, being tired of maintaining anyfriendly communication with such a disagreeable composition of ignoranceand arrogance. For my own part, I look upon him as utterly incorrigible;and, as fate has subjected me to his power, endeavour to make thebitter draught go down, by detaching myself as much as possible from thesupposition that there is any such existence upon earth. Indeed, if Ihad not fatal experience to the contrary, I should be apt to believethat such a character is not to be found among the sons of men; becausehis conduct is altogether unaccountable by the known rules and maxims oflife, and falls entirely under the poet's observation, when he says,

  "'Tis true, no meaning puzzles more than wit."

  Her ladyship having thus concluded her story, to the entertainmentof the company, and the admiration of Peregrine, who expressed hisastonishment at the variety of adventures she had undergone, whichwas such as he thought sufficient to destroy the most hardy and robustconstitution, and therefore infinitely more than enough to overwhelm oneof her delicate frame; one of the gentlemen present roundly taxed herwith want of candour, in suppressing some circumstances of her life,which he thought essential in the consideration of her character.

  She reddened at this peremptory charge, which had an evident effect uponthe countenances of the whole audience, when the accuser proceededto explain his imputation, by observing, that, in the course of hernarration, she had omitted to mention a thousand acts of uncommoncharity, of which he himself knew her to be guilty; and that she hadconcealed a great many advantageous proposals of marriage, which shemight have accepted before she was engaged.

  The company were agreeably undeceived by this explanation; which herladyship acknowledged in very polite terms, as a compliment equallygenteel and unexpected. And our hero, after having testified the sensehe had of her complaisance and condescension, in regaling him with amark of her confidence and esteem, took his leave, and went home in astate of confusion and perplexity; for, from the circumstances of thetale he had heard, he plainly perceived, that her ladyship's heartwas too delicate to receive such incense as he, in the capacity of anadmirer, could at present pay; because, though he had in some measureabridged the empire of Emilia in his own breast, it was not in his ownpower to restrain it so effectually, but that it would interfere withany other sovereign whom his thoughts should adopt; and unless Lady --could engross his whole love, time, and attention, he foresaw that itwould be impossible for him to support the passion which he might havethe good fortune to inspire. He was, moreover, deterred from declaringhis love, by the fate of her former admirers, who seemed to have beenwound up to a degree of enthusiasm, that looked more like the effect ofenchantment, than the inspiration of human attractions; an ecstasy ofpassion which he durst not venture to undergo. He, therefore, resolvedto combat with the impressions he had already received, and, ifpossible, cultivate her friendship without soliciting her affection.But, before he could fix upon this determination, he desired to know thefooting on which he stood in her opinion; and, by the intelligence ofCrabtree, obtained in the usual manner, understood that her sentimentsof him were very favourable, though without the least tincture of love.He would have been transported with joy, had her thoughts of him beenof a more tender texture; though his reason was better pleased withthe information he received; in consequence of which he mustered up theideas of his first passion, and set them in opposition to those of thisnew and dangerous attachment; by which means he kept the balance inequilibrio, and his bosom tolerably quiet.

  CHAPTER LXXXII.