The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle
Page 85
Peregrine is celebrated as a Wit and Patron, and proceeds to entertainhimself at the Expense of whom it did concern.
In the meantime, Peregrine flourished in the gay scenes of life, and,as I have already observed, had divers opportunities of profiting in theway of marriage, had not his ambition been a little too inordinate, andhis heart still biased by a passion, which all the levity of youth couldnot balance, nor all the pride of vanity overcome. Nor was our herounmarked in the world of letters and taste; he had signalized himself inseveral poetical productions, by which he had acquired a good share ofreputation: not that the pieces were such as ought to have done muchhonour to his genius; but any tolerable performance from a person of hisfigure and supposed fortune, will always be considered by the bulk ofreaders as an instance of astonishing capacity; though the very sameproduction, ushered into the world with the name of an author in lessaffluent circumstances would be justly disregarded and despised; somuch is the opinion of most people influenced and overawed by ridiculousconsiderations.
Be this as it will, our young gentleman was no sooner distinguishedas an author, than he was marked out as a patron by all the starvingretainers to poetry; he was solemnised in odes, celebrated in epigrams,and fed with the milk of soft dedication. His vanity even relished thisincense; and, though his reason could not help despising those thatoffered it, not one of them was sent away unowned by his munificence.He began to think himself, in good earnest, that superior genius whichtheir flattery had described; he cultivated acquaintance with the witsof fashion, and even composed in secret a number of bon-mots, whichhe uttered in company as the impromptus of his imagination. In thispractice, indeed, he imitated some of the most renowned geniuses of theage, who, if the truth were known, have laboured in secret, with thesweat of their brows, for many a repartee which they have vended as theimmediate production of fancy and expression. He was so successful inthis exercise of his talents, that his fame actually came in competitionwith that great man who had long sat at the helm of wit; and, in adialogue that once happened between them, on the subject of a corkscrew,wherein the altercation was discharged, according to Bayes, slap forslap, dash for dash, our hero was judged to have the better of hislordship, by some of the minor satellites, that commonly surround andreflect the rays of such mighty luminaries.
In a word, he dipped himself so far in these literary amusements, thathe took the management of the pit into his direction, putting himselfat the head of those critics who call themselves the town; and in thatcapacity chastised several players, who had been rendered insolentand refractory by unmerited success. As for the new productions of thestage, though generally unspirited and insipid, they always enjoyed thebenefit of his influence and protection; because he never disliked theperformance so much as he sympathized with the poor author, who stoodbehind the scenes in the most dreadful suspense, trembling, as it were,on the very brink of damnation. Yet, though he extended his generosityand compassion to the humble and needy, he never let slip oneopportunity of mortifying villainy and arrogance. Had the executivepower of the legislature been vested in him, he would have doubtlessdevised strange species of punishment for all offenders against humanityand decorum; but, restricted as he was, he employed his invention insubjecting them to the ridicule and contempt of their fellow-subjects.
It was with this view he set on foot the scheme of conjuration, whichwas still happily carried on, and made use of the intelligence of hisfriend Cadwallader; though he sometimes converted this advantage to thepurposes of gallantry, being, as the reader may have perceived, of avery amorous complexion. He not only acted the reformer, or rather thecastigator, in the fashionable world, but also exercised histalents among the inferior class of people, who chanced to incur hisdispleasure. One mischievous plan that entered our hero's imaginationwas suggested by two advertisements published in the same paper, bypersons who wanted to borrow certain sums of money, for which theypromised to give undeniable security. Peregrine, from the style andmanner of both, concluded they were written by attorneys, a species ofpeople for whom he entertained his uncle's aversion. In order to amusehimself and some of his friends with their disappointment, he wrotea letter signed A. B. to each advertiser, according to the addressspecified in the newspaper, importing, that if he would come with hiswritings to a certain coffee-house near the Temple, precisely at six inthe evening, he would find a person sitting in the right-hand box nextto the window, who would be glad to treat with him about the subject ofhis advertisement; and, should his security be liked, would accommodatehim with the sum which he wanted to raise. Before the hour of thisdouble appointment, Pickle, with his friend Cadwallader, and a few moregentlemen, to whom he had thought proper to communicate the plan, wentto the coffee-house, and seated themselves near the place that wasdestined for their meeting.
The hope of getting money had such an evident effect upon theirpunctuality, that one of them arrived a considerable time before thehour; and having reconnoitred the room, took his station according tothe direction he had received, fixing his eye upon a dock that stoodbefore him, and asking of the barkeeper, if it was not too slow. He,had not remained in this posture many minutes, when he was joined by astrange figure that waddled into the room, with a bundle of papers inhis bosom, and the sweat running over his nose. Seeing a man in the boxto which he had been directed, he took it for granted that he was thelender; and as soon as he could recover his breath, which was almostexhausted by the despatch he had made, "Sir," said he, "I presumeyou are the gentleman I was to meet about that loan." Here he wasinterrupted by the other, who eagerly replied, "A. B., sir, I suppose.""The same," cried the last-comer: "I was afraid I should be too late;for I was detained beyond my expectation by a nobleman at the other endof the town, that wants to mortgage a small trifle of his estate, abouta thousand a year; and my watch happens to be in the hands of the maker,having met with an accident a few nights ago, which set it asleep.But, howsomever, there is no time lost, and I hope this affair will betransacted to the satisfaction of us both. For my own part, I love to dogood offices myself, and therefore I expect nothing but what is fair andhonest of other people."
His new friend was exceedingly comforted by this declaration, which heconsidered as a happy omen of his success; and the hope of fingeringthe cash operated visibly in his countenance, while he expressed hissatisfaction at meeting with a person of such candour and humanity. "Thepleasure," said he, "of dealing with an easy conscientious man is, in myopinion, superior to that of touching all the money upon earth; for whatjoy can be compared with what a generous mind feels in befriending itsfellow-creatures? I was never so happy in my life, as at one time, inlending five hundred pounds to a worthy gentleman in distress, withoutinsisting upon rigid security. Sir, one may easily distinguish anupright man by his countenance: for example now, I think I couldtake your word for ten thousand pounds." The other, with great joy,protested, that he was right in his conjecture, and returned thecompliment a thousand-fold; by which means, the expectation of both waswound up to a very interesting pitch; and both, at the same instant,began to produce their papers, in the untying of which their hands shookwith transports of eagerness and impatience; while their eyes were sointent upon their work, that they did not perceive the occupation ofeach other.
At length, one of them, having got the start of the other, and unrolledseveral skins of musty parchment, directed his view to the employment ofhis friend; and, seeing him fumbling at his bundle, asked if that wasa blank bond and conveyance which he had brought along with him. Theother, without lifting up his eyes, or desisting from his endeavours toloose the knot, which by this time he had applied to his teeth, answeredthis question in the negative, observing that the papers in his handwere the security which he proposed to give for the money. This replyconverted the looks of the inquirer into a stare of infinite solidity,accompanied with the word Anan! which he pronounced in a tone of fearand astonishment. The other, alarmed at this note, cast his eyes towardsthe supposed lender, and was in a moment infec
ted by his aspect. Allthe exultation of hope that sparkled in their eyes was now succeeded bydisappointment and dismay; and while they gazed ruefully at each other,their features were gradually elongated, like the transient curls of aMiddle-row periwig.
This emphatic silence was, however, broken by the last-comer, who, ina faltering accent, desired the other to recollect the contents of hisletter. "Of your letter!" cried the first, putting into his hand theadvertisement he had received from Pickle; which he had no soonerperused, than he produced his own for the satisfaction of the otherparty. So that another gloomy pause ensued, at the end of which, eachuttered a profound sigh, or rather groan, and, rising up, sneaked offwithout further communication, he who seemed to be the most afflicted ofthe two, taking his departure, with an exclamation of "Humbugged, egad!"
Such were the amusements of our hero, though they did not engross hiswhole time, some part of which was dedicated to nocturnal riots andrevels, among a set of young noblemen, who had denounced war againsttemperance, economy, and common sense, and were indeed the devoted sonsof tumult, waste, and prodigality. Not that Peregrine relished thosescenes, which were a succession of absurd extravagance, devoid of alltrue spirit, taste, or enjoyment. But his vanity prompted him to minglewith those who are entitled the choice spirits of the age; and hisdisposition was so pliable, as to adapt itself easily to the measures ofhis company, where he had not influence enough to act in the capacityof a director. Their rendezvous was a certain tavern, which might beproperly styled the temple of excess, where they left the choice oftheir fare to the discretion of the landlord, that they might savethemselves the pains of exercising their own reason; and, in order toavoid the trouble of adjusting the bill, ordered the waiter to declarehow much every individual must pay, without specifying the articles ofthe charge. This proportion generally amounted to two guineas per headfor each dinner and supper; and frequently exceeded that sum; of whichthe landlord durst not abate, without running the risk of having hisnose slit for his moderation.
But this was puny expense compared with that which they often incurred,by the damage done to the furniture and servants, in the madness oftheir intoxication, as well as the loss they sustained at hazard, anamusement to which all of them had recourse in the progress of theirdebauches. This elegant diversion was introduced, encouraged, andpromoted by a crew of rapacious sharpers, who had made themselvesnecessary companions to this hopeful generation, by the talents ofpimping and buffoonery. Though they were universally known, evenby those they preyed upon to have no other means of earning theirlivelihood, than the most infamous and fraudulent practices, they werecaressed and courted by these infatuated dupes, when a man of honour,who would not join in their excesses, would have been treated with theutmost indignity and contempt.
Though Peregrine, in his heart, detested those abandoned courses,and was a professed enemy to the whole society of gamesters, whomhe considered, and always treated, as the foes of humankind, he wasinsensibly accustomed to licentious riot, and even led imperceptiblyinto play by those cormorants, who are no less dangerous in the art ofcheating, than by their consummate skill in working up the passions ofunwary youth. They are, for the most part, naturally cool, phlegmatic,and crafty, and, by a long habit of dissimulation, have gained anabsolute dominion over the hasty passions of the heart; so that theyengage with manifest advantage over the impatience and impetuosity of awarm undesigning temper, like that of our young gentleman, who, when hewas heated with wine, misled by example, invited on one hand, anddefied on the other, forgot all his maxims of caution and sobriety, and,plunging into the reigning folly of the place, had frequent occasionsto moralize in the morning upon the loss of the preceding night. Thesepenitential reflections were attended with many laudable resolutions ofprofiting by the experience which he had so dearly purchased; but hewas one of those philosophers who always put off till another day thecommencement of their reformation.
CHAPTER LXXXVI.