The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  The Conjurer and his Associate execute a Plan of Vengeance againstcertain Infidels who pretend to despise their Art; and Peregrineachieves an Adventure with a young Nobleman.

  By these means, the whole variety of characters undisguised passed, asit were, in review before the confederates, who, by divers ingeniouscontrivances, punished the most flagrant offenders with as much severityas the nature of their plan would allow. At length they projected ascheme for chastising a number of their own acquaintance, who had allalong professed the utmost contempt for the talent of this conjurer,which they endeavoured to ridicule in all companies, where hissurprising art was the subject of discourse; not that they had senseand discernment enough to perceive the absurdity of his pretensions,but affected a singularity of opinions, with a view of insulting theinferior understandings of those who were deceived by such an idleimpostor.

  Peregrine, indeed, for obvious reasons, had always espoused theirjudgment in this case, and joined them in reviling the public characterof his friend. But he knew how far the capacities of those virtuosiextended, and had frequently caught them in the fact of recounting theirexploits against the conjurer, which were the productions of their owninvention only. On these considerations, his wrath was kindled againstthem, and he accordingly concerted measures with his coadjutor, foroverwhelming them with confusion and dismay.

  In the first place, a report was spread by his emissaries, that themagician had undertaken to entertain their view with the appearance ofany person whom his customers should desire to see, whether dead, or atthe distance of a thousand leagues. This extraordinary proposal chancingto be the subject of conversation in a place where most of thoseinfidels were assembled, they talked of it in the usual style, and someof them swore the fellow ought to be pilloried for his presumption.

  Our hero, seizing this favourable opportunity, acquiesced in theirremarks, and observed, with great vehemence, that it would be ameritorious action to put the rascal to the proof, and then toss him ina blanket for non-performance. They were wonderfully pleased with thissuggestion, and forthwith determined to try the experiment; though, asthey understood the apparition would be produced to one only at a time,they could not immediately agree in the choice of the person who shouldstand the first brunt of the magician's skill. While each of themseverally excused himself from this preference on various pretences,Peregrine readily undertook the post, expressing great confidence of theconjurer's incapacity to give him the least cause of apprehension.

  This point being settled, they detached one of their number to Crabtree,in order to bespeak and adjust the hour and terms of the operation,which he insisted upon performing at his own apartment, where everythingwas prepared for the occasion. At the appointed time, they went thitherin a body, to the number of seven, in full expectation of detecting theimpostor; and were received with such gloomy formality, as seemed tohave an effect upon the countenances of some among them; though theywere encouraged by the vivacity of Pickle, who affected a double shareof petulance, for the more effectual accomplishment of his purpose.

  Cadwallader made no reply to the interrogations they uttered, in thelevity of their insolence, at the first entrance, but ordered Hadgi toconduct them through the next room, that they might see there was noprevious apparatus to affright their deputy with objects foreign to hisundertaking. They found nothing but a couple of wax tapers burning on atable that stood with a chair by it in the middle of the apartment,and returned to the audience-chamber, leaving Peregrine by himself,to encounter the phantom of that person whom they should, without hisknowledge, desire the magician to conjure up to his view.

  All the doors being shut and the company seated, a profound silenceensued, together with a face of dreadful expectation, encouraged bythe blue flame of the candles, which were tipped with sulphur for thatpurpose, and heightened by the dismal sound of a large bell, which Hadgitolled in the ante-chamber. Cadwallader having thus practised upon theirignorance and fear, desired them to name the person to be produced.After some whispers among themselves, one of them took the pen, and,writing the name of Commodore Trunnion upon a slip of paper, put it intothe hands of the magician, who rose from his seat, and, opening thedoor of his closet, displayed to their view a skull, with thigh bonescrossed, upon a table covered with black cloth.

  This melancholy spectacle made a remarkable impression upon theimaginations of the company, already prepossessed by the previousceremony; and they began to survey one another with looks ofconsternation, while Cadwallader, shutting himself in the closet,that was contiguous to the chamber in which his friend Peregrine wasstationed, thrust the label with his uncle's name through a small chinkin the partition according to agreement, muttering at the time a sortof gibberish, that increased the panic of his audience; then returningto his chair, the knell was tolled again, and Pickle called aloud, "D--nyour mummery: why don't you despatch?"

  This was a signal to Crabtree, who thus certified of his having receivedthe paper, stood up and waved his wand in the figure of an S. The motionbeing thrice performed, their ears were all of a sudden invaded bya terrible noise in the next room, accompanied with the voice ofPeregrine, who exclaimed, in a tone of horror and amazement, "Guard me,Heaven! my Uncle Trunnion!" This ejaculation had such an effect upon thehearers, that two of them swooned with fear, a third fell upon his kneesand prayed aloud, while the other three, in a transport of dismay anddistraction, burst open the door, and rushed into the haunted chamber,where they found the table and chair overturned, and Peregrine extended,in all appearance without sense or motion, upon the floor.

  They immediately began to chafe his temples, and the first symptom ofhis recovery which they perceived was a hollow groan; after which hepronounced these words: "Merciful powers! if I live I saw the commodorewith his black patch, in the very clothes he wore at my sister'swedding." This declaration completed their astonishment and terror; theyobserved a wildness in his looks, which he seemed to bend on somethingconcealed from their view; and were infected by his appearance to sucha pitch of superstition, that it would have been an easy matter topersuade them that the chair and table were apparitions of theirforefathers. However, they conducted Peregrine into the council chamber,where the conjurer and Hadgi were employed in ministering to those whohad fainted.

  The patients having retrieved the use of their faculties, Cadwallader,assuming a double portion of severity in his aspect, asked if they werenot ashamed of their former incredulity; declaring, that he was readyto give them more convincing proofs of his art upon the spot, and wouldimmediately recall three generations of their progenitors from the dead,if they were disposed to relish such company. Then turning to one ofthem, whose grandfather had been hanged, "Are you," said he, "ambitiousof seeing the first remarkable personage of your family? Say the wordand he shall appear."

  This youth, who had been the most insolent and obstreperous in the wholesociety, and was now depressed with the same proportion of fear, alarmedat the proposal, assured the magician he had no curiosity of that sortremaining; and that what he had already seen would, he hoped, have agood effect upon his future life and conversation. Every one of theseheroes made an acknowledgment and profession of the same kind, some ofwhich were attended with tears; and Hadgi having provided chairs for thewhole company, they departed exceedingly crest-fallen. Two of the numberactually sickened with the agitation they had undergone, while ourhero and his associate made themselves merry with the success of theirenterprise.

  But this scheme of fortune-telling did not engross his whole attention;he still continued to maintain his appearance in the beau monde; and, ashis expense far exceeded his income, strove to contract intimacies withpeople of interest and power; he showed himself regularly at court, paidhis respects to them in all places of public diversion, and frequentlyentered into their parties, either of pleasure or cards. In thecourse of this cultivation, he happened one evening, at a certainchocolate-house, to overlook a match of piquet, in which he perceiveda couple of sharpers making a prey of a youn
g nobleman, who had neithertemper nor skill sufficient to cope with such antagonists.

  Our hero, being a professed enemy to all knights of industry, couldnot bear to see them cheat in public with such insolent audacity. Underpretence of communicating some business of importance, he begged thefavour of speaking to the young gentleman in another corner of theroom, and in a friendly manner cautioned him against his opponents. Thishot-headed representative, far from thinking or owning himself obligedto Pickle for his good counsel, looked upon his advice as an insult uponhis understanding; and replied, with an air of ferocious displeasure,that he knew how to take care of his own concerns, and would not suffereither him or them to bubble him out of a shilling.

  Peregrine, offended at the association, as well as at the ingratitudeand folly of this conceited coxcomb, expressed his resentment, bytelling him, that he expected at least an acknowledgment for his candidintention; but he found his intellects too much warped by his vanityto perceive his own want of capacity and experience. Inflamed by thisreproof, the young nobleman challenged him to play for five hundredpounds, with many opprobrious, or at least contemptuous terms ofdefiance, which provoked our hero to accept the proposal. After theother had disengaged himself from the old rooks, who were extremelymortified at the interruption, the two young champions sat down, andfortune acting with uncommon impartiality, Pickle, by the superiority ofhis talents, in two hours won to the amount of as many thousand pounds,for which he was obliged to take his antagonist's note, the sharpershaving previously secured his ready money.

  Frantic with his loss, the rash young man would have continued the game,and doubled stakes every time; so that Peregrine might have increasedhis acquisition to ten times the sum he had gained; but he thought hehad already sufficiently chastised the presumption of the challenger,and was unwilling to empower fortune to ravish from him the fruits ofhis success; he therefore declined my lord's proposal, unless he wouldplay for ready money; and his lordship having in vain tried his creditamong the company, our adventurer withdrew, leaving him in an ecstasy ofrage and disappointment.

  As the insolence of his behaviour had increased with his ill-luck, andhe had given vent to divers expressions which Peregrine took amiss, ouryoung gentleman resolved to augment his punishment, by teasing him withdemands which could not, he knew, be immediately satisfied; and next daysent Pipes to his father's house with the note, which was drawn payableupon demand. The debtor, who had gone to bed half-distracted with hismisfortune, finding himself waked with such a disagreeable dun, lostall patience, cursed Pickle, threatened his messenger, blasphemed withhorrible execrations, and made such a noise as reached the ears of hisfather, who, ordering his son to be called into his presence, examinedhim about the cause of that uproar, which had disturbed the wholefamily. The young gentleman, after having essayed to amuse him withsundry equivocations, which served only to increase his suspicion anddesire of knowing the truth, acknowledged that he had lost some moneyovernight at cards, to a gamester who had been so impertinent as to senda message, demanding it that morning, though he had told the fellow thatit would not suit him to pay him immediately. The father, who was aman of honour, reproached him with great severity for his profligatebehaviour in general, and this scandalous debt in particular, which hebelieved to be some trifle; then giving him a bank-note for five hundredpounds, commanded him to go and discharge it without loss of time. Thiswell-principled heir took the money; but, instead of waiting uponhis creditor, he forthwith repaired to the gaming-house, in hopes ofretrieving his loss; and, before he rose from the table, saw his notemortgaged for seven-eighths of its value.

  Meanwhile, Pickle, incensed at the treatment which his servant hadreceived, and informed of his lordship's second loss, which aggravatedhis resentment, determined to preserve no medium; and, taking out awrit the same day, put it immediately in execution upon the body ofhis debtor, just as he stepped into his chair at the door of White'schocolate-house. The prisoner, being naturally fierce and haughty,attempted to draw upon the bailiffs, who disarmed him in a twinkling;and this effort served only to heighten his disgrace; which waswitnessed by a thousand people, most of whom laughed very heartily atthe adventure of a lord's being arrested.

  Such a public transaction could not long escape the knowledge of hisfather, who that very day had the satisfaction to hear that his son wasin a spunging-house. In consequence of this information, he senthis steward to learn the particulars of the arrest, and was equallyoffended, surprised, and concerned, when he understood the nature of thedebt, which he imagined his son had already discharged. Unwilling topay such a considerable sum for a spendthrift, whom he had but too muchindulged, and who in less than one week might involve himself in suchanother difficulty, the old gentleman wrote a letter to Peregrine,representing what a hardship it would be upon him to forfeit such sumsby the indiscretion of a son, whose engagements he was not bound tofulfil, and desiring some mitigation in his demand, as it was not a debtcontracted for value received, but incurred without subjecting him tothe least damage or inconvenience.

  Our adventurer no sooner received this letter, than he went in personto wait upon the author, to whom he, in a candid manner, related theparticular circumstances of the match, together with the ingratitude andaudacity of his son, which he owned had stimulated him to such measuresas he otherwise would have scorned to take. The nobleman acknowledgedthat the revenge was hardly adequate to the provocation, and condemnedthe conduct of his son with such justice and integrity, as disarmedPeregrine of his resentment, and disposed him to give an undoubtedproof of his own disinterestedness, which he immediately exhibited, byproducing the note, and tearing it to pieces, after having assured hislordship that the writ should be withdrawn, and the prisoner dischargedbefore night.

  The earl, who perfectly well understood the value of money, and was nostranger to the characters of mankind, stood amazed at the sacrifice,which Pickle protested was offered by his esteem for his lordship; and,after having complimented him upon his generosity, in a very uncommonstrain of encomium, begged the favour of his acquaintance, and insistedupon his dining with him next day. The youth, proud of having metwith such an opportunity to distinguish himself, in less than an hourperformed every article of his promise; and in the morning was visitedby the debtor, who came, by the express order of his father, to thankhim for the obligation under which he was laid, and to ask pardon forthe offence he had given.

  This condescension was very glorious for our hero, who graciouslyreceived his submission, and accompanied him to dinner, where he wascaressed by the old earl with marks of particular affection and esteem.Nor was his gratitude confined to exterior civility; he offered him theuse of his interest at court, which was very powerful, and repeated hisdesire of serving him so pressingly, that Peregrine thought he could notdispense with the opportunity of assisting his absent friend Godfrey, inwhose behalf he begged the influence of his lordship.

  The earl, pleased with this request, which was another proof of theyoung gentleman's benevolence, said, he would not fail to pay the utmostregard to his recommendation; and in six weeks a captain's commissionwas actually signed for the brother of Emilia, who was very agreeablysurprised at the intimation he received from the War Office, thoughhe was utterly ignorant of the canal through which he obtained thatpromotion.

  CHAPTER LXXXV.