The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  Peregrine sets out for the Garrison, and meets with a Nymph of the Road,whom he takes into Keeping, and metamorphoses into a fine Lady.

  In the meantime, our hero jogged along in a profound reverie, whichwas disturbed by a beggar-woman and her daughter, who solicited himfor alms, as he passed them on the road. The girl was about the ageof sixteen, and, notwithstanding the wretched equipage in which sheappeared, exhibited to his view a set of agreeable features, enlivenedwith the complexion of health and cheerfulness. The resolution I havealready mentioned was still warm in his imagination; and he looked uponthis young mendicant as a very proper object for the performance of hisvow. He, therefore, entered into a conference with the mother, and fora small sum of money purchased her property in the wench, who did notrequire much courtship and entreaty, before she consented to accompanyhim to any place that he should appoint for her habitation.

  This contract being settled to his satisfaction, he ordered Pipes toseat his acquisition behind him upon the crupper, and, alighting at thefirst public-house which they found upon the road, he wrote a letter toHatchway, desiring him to receive this hedge inamorata, and direct herto be cleaned and clothed in a decent manner, with all expedition, sothat she should be touchable upon his arrival, which, on that account,he would defer for the space of one day. This billet, together withthe girl, he committed to the charge of Pipes, after having laid stronginjunctions upon him to abstain from all attempts upon her chastity,and ordered him to make the best of his way to the garrison, while hehimself crossed the country to a market town, where he proposed to spendthe night.

  Tom, thus cautioned, proceeded with his charge, and, being naturallytaciturn, opened not his lips, until he had performed the best half ofhis journey. But Thomas, notwithstanding his irony appearance, was inreality composed of flesh and blood. His desire being titillated bythe contact of a buxom wench, whose right arm embraced his middle as herode, his thoughts began to mutiny against his master, and he foundit almost impossible to withstand the temptation of making love.Nevertheless, he wrestled with these rebellious suggestions with allthe reason that Heaven had enabled him to exert; and that being totallyovercome, his victorious passion suddenly broke out in this address:

  "'Sblood! I believe master thinks I have no more stuff in my body thana dried haddock, to turn me adrift in the dark with such a spanker. D'yethink he don't, my dear?" To this question his fellow-traveller replied,"Swanker anan!" And the lover resumed his suit, saying, "Oons! how youtickle my timber! Something shoots from your arm, through my stowage,to the very keelstone. Han't you got quicksilver in yourhand?"--"Quicksilver!" said the lady, "d--n the silver that has crossedmy hand this month; d'ye think, if I had silver, I shouldn't buy me asmock?"--"Adsooks! you baggage," cried the lover, "you shouldn't wanta smock nor a petticoat neither, if you could have a kindness for atrue-hearted sailor, as sound and strong as a nine-inch cable, thatwould keep all clear above board, and everything snug under thehatches."--"Curse your gum!" said the charmer, "what's your gay ballsand your hatches to me?"--"Do but let us bring-to a little," answeredthe wooer, whose appetite was by this time whetted to a most ravenousdegree, "and I'll teach you to box the compass, my dear. Ah! youstrapper, what a jolly b-- you are!"--"B--!" exclaimed this moderndulcinea, incensed at the opprobrious term; "such a b-- as your mother,you dog! D-- you, I've a good mind to box your jaws instead of yourcomepiss. I'll let you know, as how I am meat for your master, you saucyblackguard. You are worse than a dog, you old flinty-faced, flea-bittenscrub. A dog wears his own coat, but you wear your master's."

  Such a torrent of disgraceful epithets from a person who had no clothesat all, converted the gallant's love into choler, and he threatened todismount and seize her to a tree, when she should have a taste ofhis cat-o'-nine-tails athwart her quarters; but, instead of beingintimidated by his menaces, she set him at defiance, and held forth withsuch a flow of eloquence, as would have entitled her to a considerableshare of reputation, even among the nymphs of Billingsgate; for thisyoung lady, over and above a natural genius for altercation, had hertalents cultivated among the venerable society of weeders, podders, andhoppers, with whom she had associated from her tender years. No wonder,then, that she soon obtained a complete victory over Pipes, who, as thereader may have observed, was very little addicted to the exercise ofspeech. Indeed, he was utterly disconcerted by her volubility of tongue;and, being altogether unfurnished with answers to the distinct periodsof her discourse, very wisely chose to save himself the expense ofbreath and argument, by giving her a full swing of cable, so that shemight bring herself up; while he rode onwards, in silent composure,without taking any more notice of his fair fellow-traveller, than if shehad been his master's cloak-bag.

  In spite of all the despatch he could make, it was late before hearrived at the garrison, where he delivered the letter and the lady tothe lieutenant, who no sooner understood the intention of his friend,than he ordered all the tubs in the house to be carried into the hall,and filled with water. Tom having provided himself with swabs andbrushes, divested the fair stranger of her variegated drapery, whichwas immediately committed to the flames, and performed upon her soft andsleek person the ceremony of scrubbing, as it is practised on board ofthe king's ships of war. Yet the nymph herself did not submit to thispurification without repining. She cursed the director, who was upon thespot, with many abusive allusions to his wooden leg; and as for Pipesthe operator, she employed her talons so effectually upon his face, thatthe blood ran over his nose in sundry streams; and next morning, whenthose rivulets were dry, his countenance resembled the rough bark of aplum-tree, plastered with gum. Nevertheless, he did his duty with greatperseverance, cut off her hair close to the scalp, handled his brusheswith dexterity, applied his swabs of different magnitude and texture, asthe case required; and, lastly, rinsed the whole body with a dozen pailsof cold water, discharged upon her head.

  These ablutions being executed, he dried her with towels, accommodatedher with a clean shift, and, acting the part of a valet-de-chambre,clothed her from head to foot, in clean and decent apparel which hadbelonged to Mrs. Hatchway; by which means her appearance was alteredso much for the better, that when Peregrine arrived next day, he couldscarce believe his own eyes. He was, for that reason, extremely wellpleased with his purchase, and now resolved to indulge a whim, whichseized him at the very instant of his arrival.

  He had, as I believe the reader will readily allow, made considerableprogress in the study of character, from the highest rank to the mosthumble station of life, and found it diversified in the same manner,through every degree of subordination and precedency: nay, he moreoverobserved, that the conversation of those who are dignified with theappellation of polite company, is neither more edifying nor entertainingthan that which is met with among the lower classes of mankind; and thatthe only essential difference, in point of demeanour, is the form of aneducation, which the meanest capacity can acquire, without much study orapplication. Possessed of this notion, he determined to take the youngmendicant under his own tutorage and instruction. In consequence ofwhich, he hoped he should, in a few weeks, be able to produce her incompany, as an accomplished young lady of uncommon wit, and an excellentunderstanding.

  This extravagant plan he forthwith began to execute with great eagernessand industry; and his endeavours succeeded even beyond his expectation.The obstacle, in surmounting of which he found the greatest difficulty,was an inveterate habit of swearing, which had been indulged from herinfancy, and confirmed by the example of those among whom she had lived.However, she had the rudiments of good sense from nature, which taughther to listen to wholesome advice, and was so docile as to comprehendand retain the lessons which her governor recommended to her attention;insomuch, that he ventured, in a few days, to present her at table,among a set of country squires, to whom she was introduced as niece tothe lieutenant. In that capacity she sat with becoming easiness of mien,for she was as void of the mauvaise honte as any duchess in the land;bowed very graciously to the com
pliments of the gentlemen; and thoughshe said little or nothing, because she was previously cautioned on thatscore, she more than once gave way to laughter, and her mirth happenedto be pretty well timed. In a word, she attracted the applause andadmiration of the guests, who, after she was withdrawn, complimented Mr.Hatchway upon the beauty, breeding, and good-humour of his kinswoman.

  But what contributed more than any other circumstance to her speedyimprovement, was some small insight into the primer, which she hadacquired at a day-school, during the life of her father, who was aday-labourer in the country. Upon this foundation did Peregrine builda most elegant superstructure; he culled out choice sentences fromShakespeare, Otway, and Pope, and taught her to repeat them with anemphasis and theatrical cadence. He then instructed her in the namesand epithets of the most celebrated players, which he directed herto pronounce occasionally, with an air of careless familiarity; and,perceiving that her voice was naturally clear, he enriched it withremnants of opera tunes, to be hummed during a pause in conversation,which is generally supplied with a circulation of a pinch of snuff.By means of this cultivation she became a wonderful proficient in thepolite graces of the age; she, with great facility, comprehended thescheme of whist, though cribbage was her favourite game, with which shehad amused herself in her vacant hours, from her first entrance into theprofession of hopping; and brag soon grew familiar to her practice andconception.

  Thus prepared, she was exposed to the company of her own sex, beingfirst of all visited by the parson's daughter, who could not avoidshowing that civility to Mr. Hatchway's niece, after she had made herpublic appearance at church. Mrs. Clover, who had a great share ofpenetration, could not help entertaining some doubts about this samerelation, whose name she had never heard the uncle mention, during thewhole term of her residence at the garrison. But as the young lady wastreated in that character, she would not refuse her acquaintance; and,after having seen her at the castle, actually invited Miss Hatchway toher house. In short, she made a progress through almost all the familiesin the neighbourhood; and by dint of her quotations, which, by the bye,were not always judiciously used, she passed for a sprightly young lady,of uncommon learning and taste.

  Peregrine having in this manner initiated her in the beau monde of thecountry, conducted her to London, where she was provided with privatelodgings and a female attendant; and put her immediately under thetuition of his valet-de-chambre, who had orders to instruct her indancing, and the French language. He attended her to plays and concertsthree or four times a week; and when our hero thought her sufficientlyaccustomed to the sight of great company, he squired her in person toa public assembly, and danced with her among all the gay ladies offashion; not but that there was still an evident air of rusticity andawkwardness in her demeanour, which was interpreted into an agreeablewildness of spirit, superior to the forms of common breeding. Heafterwards found means to make her acquainted with some distinguishedpatterns of her own sex, by whom she was admitted into the most elegantparties, and continued to make good her pretensions to gentility, withgreat circumspection. But one evening, being at cards with a certainlady whom she detected in the very fact of unfair conveyance, she taxedher roundly with the fraud, and brought upon herself such a torrent ofsarcastic reproof, as overbore all her maxims of caution, and burstopen the floodgates of her own natural repartee, twanged off with theappellation of b-- and w--, which she repeated with great vehemence, inan attitude of manual defiance, to the terror of her antagonist, andthe astonishment of all present; nay, to such an unguarded pitch was sheprovoked, that, starting up, she snapped her fingers, in testimony ofdisdain, and, as she quitted the room, applied her hand to that partwhich was the last of her that disappeared, inviting the company to kissit by one of its coarsest denominations.

  Peregrine was a little disconcerted at this oversight in her behaviour,which, by the demon of intelligence, was in a moment conveyed to all theprivate companies in town; so that she was absolutely excluded from allpolite communication, and Peregrine, for the present, disgraced amongthe modest part of his female acquaintance, many of whom not onlyforbade him their houses, on account of the impudent insult he hadcommitted upon their honour, as well as understanding, in palming acommon trull upon them, as a young lady of birth and education; butalso aspersed his family, by affirming that she was actually his owncousin-german, whom he had precipitately raised from the most abjectstate of humility and contempt. In revenge for this calumny, our younggentleman explained the whole mystery of her promotion, together withthe motives that induced him to bring her into the fashionable world;and repeated among his companions the extravagant encomiums which hadbeen bestowed upon her by the most discerning matrons of the age.

  Meanwhile, the infanta herself being rebuked by her benefactor for thisinstance of misbehaviour, promised faithfully to keep a stricterguard for the future over her conduct, and applied herself with greatassiduity to the studies, in which she was assisted by the Swiss, whogradually lost the freedom of his heart, while she was profiting by hisinstruction. In other words, she made a conquest of her preceptor, whoyielding to the instigations of the flesh, chose a proper opportunityto declare his passion, which was powerfully recommended by his personalqualifications; and his intentions being honourable, she listened to hisproposals of espousing her in private. In consequence of this agreement,they made an elopement together; and, being buckled at the Fleet,consummated their nuptials in private lodgings, by the Seven Dials,from which the husband next morning sent a letter to our hero beggingforgiveness for the clandestine step he had taken, which he solemnlyprotested was not owing to any abatement in his inviolable regardfor his master, whom he should always honour and esteem to his latestbreath, but entirely to the irresistible charms of the young lady,to whom he was now so happy as to be joined in the silken bonds ofmarriage.

  Peregrine, though at first offended at his valet's presumption, was,upon second thoughts, reconciled to the event by which he was deliveredfrom an encumbrance; for by this time he had performed his frolic,and began to be tired of his acquisition. He reflected upon the formerfidelity of the Swiss, which had been manifested in a long course ofservice and attachment; and, thinking it would be cruelly severe toabandon him to poverty and distress for one venial trespass, he resolvedto pardon what he had done, and enable him in some shape to provide forthe family which he had entailed upon himself.

  With these sentiments, he sent a favourable answer to the delinquent,desiring to see him as soon as his passion should permit him to leavethe arms of his spouse for an hour or two; and Hadgi, in obedience tothis intimation, repaired immediately to the lodgings of his master,before whom he appeared with a most penitential aspect. Peregrine,though he could scarce help laughing at his rueful length of face,reprimanded him sharply, for his disrespect and ingratitude in takingthat by stealth which he might have had for asking. The culprit assuredhim, that next to the vengeance of God, his master's displeasurewas that which of all evils he dreaded to incur; but that love haddistracted his brain in such a manner, as to banish every otherconsideration but that of gratifying his desire; and he owned, that heshould not have been able to preserve his fidelity and duty to his ownfather, had they interfered with the interest of his passion. He thenappealed to his master's own heart for the remission of his guilt,alluding to certain circumstances of our hero's conduct, which evincedthe desperate effects of love. In short, he made such an apology asextorted a smile from his offended judge, who not only forgave histransgression, but also promised to put him in some fair way of earninga comfortable subsistence.

  The Swiss was so much affected with this instance of generosity, that hefell upon his knees, and kissed his hand, praying to heaven, with greatfervour, to make him worthy of such goodness and condescension.His scheme, he said, was to open a coffee-house and tavern in somecreditable part of the town, in hopes of being favoured with thecustom of a numerous acquaintance he had made among upper servants andreputable tradesmen, not doubting that his wife would be an ornament tohi
s bar, and a careful manager of his affairs. Peregrine approved of theplan, towards the execution of which he made him and his wife a presentof five hundred pounds, together with a promise of erecting a weeklyclub among his friends, for the reputation and advantage of the house.

  Hadgi was so transported with his good fortune, that he ran to Pipes,who was in the room, and having hugged him with great cordiality,and made his obeisance to his master, hied him home to his bride, tocommunicate his happiness, cutting capers, and talking to himself allthe way.

  CHAPTER LXXXVIII.