The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  Further proceedings of the College.

  This affair was no sooner discussed, than another gentleman exhibited acomplaint, signifying, that he had undertaken to translate into Englisha certain celebrated author, who had been cruelly mangled by formerattempts; and that, soon as his design took air, the proprietors ofthose miserable translations had endeavoured to prejudice his work, byindustrious insinuations, contrary to truth and fair dealing, importing,that he did not understand one word of the language which he pretendedto translate. This being a case that nearly concerned the greatest partof the audience, it was taken into serious deliberation. Some observed,that it was not only a malicious effort against the plaintiff, but alsoa spiteful advertisement to the public, tending to promote an inquiryinto the abilities of all other translators, few of whom, it was wellknown, were so qualified as to stand the test of such examination.Others said, that over and above this consideration, which ought to haveits due weight with the college, there was a necessity for concertingmeasures to humble the presumption of booksellers, who had, fromtime immemorial, taken all opportunities to oppress and enslave theirauthors; not only by limiting men of genius to the wages of journeymentailors, without even allowing them one Sabbath in the week, but alsoin taking such advantages of their necessities as were inconsistent withjustice and humanity.

  "For example," said one of the members, "after I myself had acquired alittle reputation with the town, I was caressed by one of those tyrants,who professed a friendship for me, and even supplied me with money,according to the exigencies of my situation; so that I looked uponhim as the mirror of disinterested benevolence; and had he known mydisposition, and treated me accordingly, I should have writ for him uponhis own terms. After I had used his friendship in this manner for sometime, I happened to have occasion for a small sum of money, and withgreat confidence made another application to my good friend; when all ofa sudden he put a stop to his generosity, refused to accommodate mein the most abrupt and mortifying style; and though I was at that timepretty far advanced in a work for his benefit, which was a sufficientsecurity for what I owed him, he roundly asked, how I proposed to paythe money which I had already borrowed? Thus was I used like a young w--just come upon the town, whom the b--d allows to run into her debt,that she may have it in her power to oppress her at pleasure; and if thesufferer complains, she is treated like the most ungrateful wretchupon earth; and that too with such appearance of reason, as may easilymislead an unconcerned spectator. 'You unthankful drab!' she will say,'didn't I take you into my house when you hadn't a shift to your back,a petticoat to your tail, nor a morsel of bread to put into your belly?Han't I clothed you from head to foot like a gentlewoman, supported youwith board, lodging, and all necessaries, till your own extravagancehath brought you into distress; and now you have the impudence, younasty, stinking, brimstone bungaway! to say you are hardly dealt with,when I demand no more than my own?' Thus the w-- and the author areequally oppressed, and even left without the melancholy privilege ofcomplaining; so that they are fain to subscribe to such terms as theircreditors shall please to impose."

  This illustration operated so powerfully upon the conviction andresentment of the whole college, that revenge was universally denouncedagainst those who had aggrieved the plaintiff; and, after some debate,it was agreed, that he should make a new translation of some othersaleable book, in opposition to a former version belonging to thedelinquents, and print it in such a small size as would enable himto undersell their property; and that this new translation shouldbe recommended and introduced into the world with the whole art andinfluence of the society.

  This affair being settled to the satisfaction of all present, an authorof some character stood up, and craved the advice and assistance of hisfellows, in punishing a certain nobleman of great pretensions to taste,who, in consequence of a production which this gentleman had usheredinto the world with universal applause, not only desired, but eveneagerly courted his acquaintance. "He invited me to his house," said he,"where I was overwhelmed with civility and professions of friendship.He insisted upon my treating him as an intimate, and calling upon him atall hours, without ceremony; he made me promise to breakfast with himat least three times a week. In short, I looked upon myself as veryfortunate, in meeting with such advances from a man of his interest andreputation, who had it in his power to befriend me effectually in mypassage through life; and, that I might not give him any cause to thinkI neglected his friendship, I went to his house in two days, with a viewof drinking chocolate, according to appointment; but he had been somuch fatigued with dancing at an assembly overnight, that hisvalet-de-chambre would not venture to wake him so early; and I left mycompliments to his lordship, with a performance in manuscript, which hehad expressed a most eager desire to peruse. I repeated my visit nextmorning, that his impatience to see me might not have some violenteffect upon his constitution; and received a message from his minister,signifying, that he had been highly entertained with the manuscript Ihad left, a great part of which he had read, but was at present so busyin contriving a proper dress for a private masquerade, which wouldbe given that same evening, that he could not have the pleasure of mycompany at breakfast. This was a feasible excuse, which I admittedaccordingly, and in a day or two appeared again, when his lordship wasparticularly engaged. This might possibly be the case; and therefore Ireturned the fourth time, in hopes of finding him more at leisure;but he had gone out about half an hour before my arrival, and left myperformance with his valet-de-chambre, who assured me, that his lordhad perused it with infinite pleasure. Perhaps I might have retired verywell satisfied with this declaration, had not I, in my passage throughthe hall, heard one of the footmen upon the top of the staircase,pronounce with an audible voice, 'Will your lordship please to be athome when he calls?' It is not to be supposed that I was pleased at thisdiscovery, which I no sooner made, than, turning to my conductor, 'Ifind,' said I, 'his lordship is disposed to be abroad to more peoplethan me this morning.' The fellow, though a valet-de-chambre, blushed atthis observation; and I withdrew, not a little irritated at the peer'sdisingenuity, and fully resolved to spare him my visits for the future.It was not long after this occasion, that I happened to meet him inthe park, and being naturally civil, I could not pass him without asalutation of the hat, which he returned in the most distant manner,though we were both solitary, and not a soul within view, and when thatvery performance, which he had applauded so warmly, was lately publishedby subscription, he did not bespeak so much as one copy. I have oftenreflected with wonder upon this inconsistency of his conduct. I nevercourted his patronage, nor indeed thought of his name, until hemade interest for my acquaintance; and if he was disappointed in myconversation, why did he press me so much to further connection?"

  "The case is very clear," cried the chairman, interrupting him; "he isone of those connoisseurs who set up for taste, and value themselvesupon knowing all men of genius, whom they would be thought to assistin their productions. I will lay an even bet with any man, that hislordship on the strength of that slender interview, together with theopportunity of having seen your performance in manuscript, has alreadyhinted to every company in which he is conversant, that you solicitedhis assistance in retouching the piece, which you have now offered tothe public, and that he was pleased to favour you with his advice,but found you obstinately bigoted to your own opinion, in some pointsrelating to those very passages which have not met with the approbationof the town. As for his caresses, there was nothing at all extraordinaryin his behaviour. By that time you have lived to my age, you will notbe surprised to see a courtier's promise and performance of a differentcomplexion; not but that I would willingly act as an auxiliary in yourresentment."

  The opinion of the president was strengthened by the concurrence of allthe members; and all other complaints and memorials being deferred tillanother sitting, the college proceeded to an exercise of wit, which wasgenerally performed once every fortnight, with a view to promote theexpectoration of genius. The subject was
occasionally chosen by thechairman, who opened the game with some shrewd remark naturally arisingfrom the conversation; and then the ball was tossed about, from onecorner of the room to the other, according to the motions of the spirit.

  That the reader may have a just idea of this sport, and of the abilitiesof those who carried it on, I shall repeat the sallies of this evening,according to the order and succession in which they escaped. One of themembers observing that Mr. Metaphor was absent, was told by the personwho sat next to him, that the poet had foul weather at home, and couldnot stir abroad. "What!" said the president, interposing, with thesignal upon his countenance, "is he wind-bound, in port?"--"Wine-bound,I suppose," cried another. "Hooped with wine! a strange metaphor!" saidthe third. "Not if he has got into a hogshead," answered the fourth."The hogshead will sooner get into him," replied a fifth; "it must be atun or an ocean."--"No wonder then, if he should be overwhelmed," saida sixth. "If he should," cried a seventh, "he will cast up when his gallbreaks."--"That must be very soon," roared an eighth, "for it has beenlong ready to burst." "No, no," observed a ninth, "he'll stick fastat the bottom, take my word for it; he has a natural alacrity insinking."--"And yet," remarked a tenth, "I have seen him in theclouds."--"Then was he cloudy, I suppose," cried the eleventh."So dark," replied the other, "that his meaning could not beperceived."--"For all that," said the twelfth, "he is easily seenthrough."--"You talk," answered the thirteenth, "as if his head was madeof glass."--"No, no," cried the fourteenth, "his head is made of moredurable stuff; it will bend before it breaks."--"Yet I have seen itbroken," resumed the president. "Did you perceive any wit come outat the whole?" said another. "His wit," replied the chairman, "is toosubtle to be perceived."

  A third mouth was just open, when the exercise was suddenly interruptedby the dreadful cry of "Fire!" which issued from the kitchen, andinvolved the whole college in confusion. Every man endeavoured to bethe first in making his exit, the door and passage were blocked up; eachindividual was pommelled by the person that happened to be behind him.This communication produced noise and exclamation; clouds of smokerolled upwards into the apartment, and terror sat on every brow; whenPeregrine, seeing no prospect of retreating by the door, opened one ofthe windows, and fairly leaped into the street, where he found a crowdof people assembled to contribute their assistance in extinguishing theflames. Several members of the college followed his example, and happilyaccomplished their escape. The chairman himself, being unwilling to usethe same expedient, stood trembling on the brink of descent, dubiousof his own agility, and dreading the consequence of such a leap, whena chair happening to pass, he laid hold on the opportunity, and by anexertion of his muscles, pitched upon the top of the carriage, which wasimmediately overturned in the kennel, to the grievous annoyance of thefare, which happened to be a certain effeminate beau, in full dress, onhis way to a private assembly.

  This phantom hearing the noise overhead, and feeling the shock of beingoverthrown at the same time, thought that some whole tenement had fallenupon the chair, and, in the terror of being crushed to pieces, uttereda scream, which the populace supposed to proceed from the mouth of awoman; and therefore went to his assistance, while the chairmen, insteadof ministering to his occasions, no sooner recollected themselves,than they ran in pursuit of their overthrower, who, being accustomedto escape from bailiffs, dived into a dark alley, and, vanishing in atrice, was not visible to any living soul, until he appeared next day onTower-hill.

  The humane part of the mob, who bestirred themselves for the relief ofthe supposed lady, no sooner perceived their mistake in the appearanceof the beau, who stared around him with horror and affright, than theircompassion was changed into mirth, and they began to pass a greatmany unsavoury jokes upon his misfortune, which they now discovered noinclination to alleviate; and he found himself very uncomfortablybeset, when Pickle, pitying his situation, interposed in his behalf, andprevailed upon the chairmen to carry him into the house of an apothecaryin the neighbourhood, to whom his mischance proved a very advantageousaccident; for the fright operated so violently upon his nerves, that hewas seized with a delirium, and lay a whole fortnight deprived of hissenses; during which period he was not neglected in point of medicines,food, and attendance, but royally regaled, as appeared by the contentsof his landlord's bill.

  Our adventurer having seen this unfortunate beau safely housed, returnedto the scene of the other calamity, which, as it was no other than afoul chimney, soon yielded to the endeavours of the family, and washappily overcome, without any other bad consequence than that ofalarming the neighbours, disturbing the college, and disorderingthe brain of a beau. Eager to be acquainted with the particularconstitutions of a society which seemed to open upon him by degrees,Mr. Pickle did not fail to appear at the next meeting, when severalpetitions were laid before the board, in behalf of those members whowere confined in the prisons of the Fleet, Marshalsea, and King's Bench.As those unhappy authors expected nothing from their brethren but adviceand good offices, which did not concern the purse, the memorials wereconsidered with great care and humanity; and, upon this occasion,Peregrine had it in his power to manifest his importance to thecommunity; for he happened to be acquainted with the creditor of oneof the prisoners, and knew that gentleman's severity was owing to hisresentment at the behaviour of the debtor, who had lampooned him inprint, because he refused to comply with a fresh demand, after he hadlent him money to the amount of a considerable sum. Our young gentleman,therefore, understanding that the author was penitent, and disposed tomake a reasonable submission, promised to employ his influence with thecreditor towards an accommodation; and in a few days actually obtainedhis release.

  The social duties being discharged, the conversation took a generalturn, and several new productions were freely criticised; thoseespecially which belonged to authors who were either unconnected with,or unknown to the college. Nor did the profession of stage-playingescape the cognizance of the assembly; a deputation of the mostjudicious members being sent weekly to each theatre, with a view ofmaking remarks upon the performance of the actors. The censors for thepreceding week were accordingly called upon to give in their report; andthe play which they had reviewed was "the Revenge."

  "Mr. Q--," said the second censor, "take him all in all, is certainlythe most complete and unblemished performer that ever appeared on ourstage, notwithstanding the blind adoration which is paid to his rival.I went two nights ago, with an express design to criticise his action. Icould find no room for censure, but infinite subject for admirationand applause. In Pierre he is great, in Othello excellent, but in Zangabeyond all imitation. Over and above the distinctness of pronunciation,the dignity of attitude, and expression of face, his gestures are sojust and significant, that a man, though utterly bereft of the sense ofhearing, might, by seeing him only, understand the meaning of every wordhe speaks! Sure nothing can be more exquisite than his manner of tellingIsabella how Alonzo behaved, when he found the incendiary letterwhich he had dropped by the Moor's direction; and when, to crown hisvengeance, he discovers himself to be the contriver of all the mischiefthat had happened, he manifests a perfect masterpiece of action, inpronouncing these four little monosyllables, 'Know, then, 'twas--I.'"

  Peregrine having eyed the critic some minutes, "I fancy," said he,"your praise must be ironical, because, in the very two situations youmention, I think I have seen that player outherod Herod, or, in otherwords, exceed all his other extravagances. The intention of the authoris, that the Moor should communicate to his confidant a piece ofinformation contained in a few lines, which, doubtless, ought tobe repeated with an air of eagerness and satisfaction, not with theridiculous grimace of a monkey, to which, methought, his action bore anintimate resemblance, in uttering this plain sentence:--

  ----He took it up: But scarce was it unfolded to his sight, When he, as if an arrow pierc'd his eye, Started, and trembling dropp'd it on the ground.

  "In pronouncing the first two words, this egregious actor stoops down,and seem
s to take up something from the stage, then proceeding to repeatwhat follows, mimics the manner of unfolding a letter; when he mentionsthe simile of an arrow piercing the eye, he darts his forefinger towardsthat organ, then recoils with great violence when the word 'started' isexpressed; and when he comes to 'trembling dropp'd it on the ground,' hethrows all his limbs into a tremulous motion, and shakes the imaginarypaper from his hand. The latter part of the description is carried onwith the same minute gesticulation, while he says:--

  Pale and aghast awhile my victim stood, Disguis'd a sigh or two, and puff'd them from him; Then rubb'd his brow, and took it up again.

  The player's countenance assumes a wild stare, he sighs twice mostpiteously, as if he were on the point of suffocation, scrubs hisforehead, and, bending his body, apes the action of snatching an objectfrom the floor. Nor is this dexterity of dumb-show omitted, when heconcludes his imitation in these three lines:--

  At first he look'd as if he meant to read it; But check'd by rising fears, he crushed it thus, And thrust it, like an adder, in his bosom.

  "Here the judicious performer imitates the confusion and concern ofAlonzo, seems to cast his eyes upon something, from which they areimmediately withdrawn with horror and precipitation then shuttinghis fist with a violent squeeze, as if he intended to make immediateapplication to Isabella's nose, he rams it in his own bosom, with allthe horror and agitation of a thief taken in the manner. Were the playerdebarred the use of speech, and obliged to act to the eyes only of theaudience, this mimicry might be a necessary conveyance of his meaning;but when he is at liberty to signify his ideas by language, nothing canbe more trivial, forced, unnatural, and antic, than this mummery. Notthat I would exclude from the representation the graces of action,without which the choicest sentiments, clothed in the most exquisiteexpression, would appear unanimated and insipid; but these are asdifferent from this ridiculous burlesque, as is the demeanour of a Tullyin the rostrum, from the tricks of a Jack-pudding on a mountebank'sstage. And, for the truth of what I allege, I appeal to the observationof any person who has considered the elegance of attitude and proprietyof gesture, as they are universally acknowledged in the real charactersof life. Indeed, I have known a Gascon, whose limbs were eloquent ashis tongue: he never mentioned the word sleep without reclining hishead upon his hand; when he had occasion to talk of a horse, he alwaysstarted up and trotted across the room, except when he was so situatedthat he could not stir without incommoding the company, and in that casehe contented himself with neighing aloud. If a dog happened to be thesubject of his conversation, he wagged his tail, and grinned in amost significant manner; and one day he expressed his desire of goingbackwards with such natural imitation of his purpose, that everybody inthe room firmly believed he had actually overshot himself, and fortifiedtheir nostrils accordingly. Yet no man ever looked upon this virtuoso tobe the standard of propriety in point of speaking and deportment. Formy own part, I confess the player in question would, by dint of thesequalifications, make a very good figure in the character of Pantaloon'slacquey, in the entertainment of 'Perseus and Andromeda,' and perhapsmight acquire some reputation, by turning 'the Revenge' into apantomime; in which case, I would advise him to come upon the stage,provided with a handful of flour, in order to besmear his face when hepronounces 'pale and aghast,' etc.; and methinks he ought to illustratethe adder with a hideous hiss. But let us now come to the othersituation, in which this modern Aesopus is supposed to distinguishhimself so much--I mean that same eclaircissement comprehended in 'Knowthen, 'twas--I.' His manner, I own, may be altered since I was presentat the representation of that performance; but certain I am, when Ibeheld him in that critical conjuncture, his behaviour appeared to meso uncouth, that I really imagined he was visited by some epilepticdistemper; for he stood tottering and gasping for the space of twominutes, like a man suddenly struck with the palsy; and, after variousdistortions and side-shakings, as if he had got fleas in his doublet,heaved up from his lungs the letter I, like a huge anchor from foulground."

  This criticism was acceptable to the majority of the college, who hadno great veneration for the player in question; and his admirer, withoutmaking any reply, asked in a whisper, of the gentleman who sat next tohim, if Pickle had not offered some production to the stage, and metwith a repulse.

  CHAPTER XCV.