The Adventures of Peregrine Pickle

by T. Smollett

  The young Gentleman is introduced to a Virtuoso of the first Order, andcommences Yelper.

  Hitherto Peregrine had professed himself an author, without reaping thefruits of that occupation, except the little fame he had acquired byhis late satire; but now he thought it high time to weigh solid puddingagainst empty praise; and therefore engaged with some booksellers ina certain translation, which he obliged himself to perform for theconsideration of two hundred pounds. The articles of agreement beingdrawn, he began his task with great eagerness, rose early in the morningto his work, at which he laboured all day long, went abroad with thebats in the evening, and appeared in the coffee-house, where he amusedhimself with the newspapers and conversation till nine o'clock; then heretired to his own apartment, and, after a slight repast, betook himselfto rest, that he might be able to unroost with the cock. This suddenchange from his former way of life agreed so ill with his disposition,that, for the first time, he was troubled with flatulencies andindigestion, which produced anxiety and dejection of spirits, and thenature of his situation began in some measure to discompose his brain; adiscovery which he no sooner made, than he had recourse to the advice ofa young physician, who was a member of the college of authors, at thistime one of our hero's most intimate acquaintance.

  The son of Esculapius, having considered his case, imputed his disorderto the right cause, namely, want of exercise; dissuaded him from suchclose application to study, until he should be gradually familiarizedto a sedentary life; advised him to enjoy his friend and his bottle inmoderation, and wean himself from his former customs by degrees;and, above all things, to rise immediately after his first sleep, andexercise himself in a morning's walk. In order to render this last partof the prescription the more palatable, the doctor promised to attendhim in these early excursions, and even to introduce him to a certainpersonage of note, who gave a sort of public breakfasting to the minorvirtuosi of the age, and often employed his interest in behalf of thosewho properly cultivated his countenance and approbation.

  This proposal was extremely acceptable to our young gentleman, who,besides the advantage which might accrue to him from such a valuableconnection, foresaw much entertainment and satisfaction in the discourseof so many learned guests. The occasions of his health and interest,moreover, coincided in another circumstance; the minister's levee beingkept betimes in the morning, so that he could perform his walk, yieldhis attendance, and breakfast at this philosophical board, withoutencroaching a great deal upon his other avocations. Measures being thuspreconcerted, the physician conducted our adventurer to the house ofthis celebrated sage, to whom he recommended him as a gentleman ofgenius and taste, who craved the honour of his acquaintance; but hehad previously smoothed the way to his introduction, by representingPeregrine as a young fellow of great ambition, spirit, and address, whocould not fail to make a figure in the world; that therefore he would bea creditable addition to the subordinates of such a patron, and by hisqualifications, intrepidity, and warmth of temper, turn out a consummateherald of his fame. Upon these considerations, he met with a mostengaging reception from the entertainer, who was a well-bred man, ofsome learning, generosity, and taste; but his foible was the desire ofbeing thought the inimitable pattern of all three.

  It was with a view to acquire and support this character, that hishouse was open to all those who had any pretensions to literature;consequently he was surrounded by a strange variety of pretenders; butnone were discouraged, because he knew that even the most insignificantmight, in some shape, conduce to the propagation of his praise. Ababbler, though he cannot run upon the scent, may spring the game, and,by his yelping, help to fill up the cry. No wonder, then, that a youthof Pickle's accomplishments was admitted and even invited into the pack.After having enjoyed a very short private audience in the closet, ouryoung gentleman was shown into another room, where half a dozen of hisfellow-adherents waited for the Maecenas, who in a few minutes appeared,with a most gracious aspect, received the compliments of the morning,and sat down to breakfast, in the midst of them, without any furtherceremony.

  The conversation at first turned upon the weather, which wasinvestigated in a very philosophical manner by one of the company, whoseemed to have consulted all the barometers and thermometers that everwere invented, before he would venture to affirm that it was a chillmorning. This subject being accurately discussed, the chief inquiredabout the news of the learned world; and his inclination was no soonerexpressed than every guest opened his mouth, in order to ratify hiscuriosity. But he that first captivated his attention was a meagre,shrivelled antiquary, who looked like an animated mummy, which had beenscorched among the sands of the desert. He told the patron, that he had,by accident, met with a medal, which, though it was defaced by time, hewould venture to pronounce a genuine antique, from the ringing and tasteof the metal, as well as from the colour and composition of the rust. Sosaying, he produced a piece of copper coin, so consumed and disguisedby age, that scarce a vestige of the impression was to be perceived.Nevertheless, this connoisseur pretended to distinguish a face inprofile, from which he concluded that the piece was of the Upper Empire,and on the reverse he endeavoured to point out the bulb of the spear,and part of the parazonium, which were the insignia of the Roman Virtus,together with the fragment of one fold of the multicium in which she wasclothed. He likewise had discovered an angle of the letter N, and, atsome distance, an entire I; from these circumstances conjecturing, andindeed concluding, that the medal was struck by Severus, in honour ofthe victory he obtained over his rival Niger, after he had forced thepasses of Mount Taurus. This criticism seemed very satisfactory tothe entertainer, who, having examined the coin by the help of hisspectacles, plainly discerned the particulars which the owner hadmentioned, and was pleased to term his account of the matter a veryingenious explanation.

  The curiosity was circulated through the hands of all present, and everyvirtuoso, in his turn, licked the copper, and rung it upon the hearth,declaring his assent to the judgment which had been pronounced. Atlength it fell under the inspection of our young gentleman, who, thoughno antiquarian, was very well acquainted with the current coin of hisown country, and no sooner cast his eyes upon the valuable antique, thanhe affirmed, without hesitation, that it was no other than the ruins ofan English farthing, and that same spear, parazonium, and multicium, theremains of the emblems and drapery with which the figure of Britanniais delineated on our copper money. This hardy asseveration seemed todisconcert the patron while it incensed the medallist, who, grinninglike an enraged baboon, "What d'ye tell me of a brass farthing?" saidhe. "Did you ever know modern brass of such a relish? Do but taste it,young gentleman; and sure I am, if you have ever been conversant withsubjects of this kind, you will find as wide a difference in the savourbetween this and an English farthing as can possibly be perceivedbetwixt an onion and a turnip. Besides, this medal has the trueCorinthian ring; then the attitude is upright, whereas that of Britanniais reclining; and how is it possible to mistake a branch of palm for aparazonium?"

  All the rest of the company espoused the virtuoso's side of thequestion, because the reputation of each was concerned. The patron,finding himself in the same circumstance, assumed a solemnity offeature, dashed with a small mixture of displeasure, and told Peregrine,that as he had not made that branch of literature his particularstudy, he was not surprised to see him mistaken in his opinion. Pickleimmediately understood the reproof, though he was shocked at the vanityor infatuation of his entertainer and fellow-guests; asked pardon forhis presumption, which was accordingly excused, in consideration of hisinexperience; and the English farthing was dignified with the title of atrue antique.

  The next person that addressed himself to the chief was a gentleman of avery mathematical turn, who valued himself upon the improvements he hadmade in several domestic machines, and now presented the plan of a newcontrivance for cutting cabbages, in such a manner as would secure thestock against the rotting rain, and enable it to produce a plenteousaftercrop of delicious sp
routs. In this important machine he had unitedthe whole mechanic powers, with such massy complication of iron andwood, that it could not have been moved without the assistance ofa horse, and a road made for the convenience of the draught. Theseobjections were so obvious, that they occurred at first sight to theinspector-general, who greatly commended the invention, which, heobserved, might be applied to several other useful purposes, could itonce be rendered a little more portable and commodious.

  The inventor, who had not foreseen these difficulties, was not preparedto surmount them; but he took the hint in good part, and promised totask his abilities anew, in altering the construction of his design. Notbut that he underwent some severe irony from the rest of the virtuosi,who complimented him upon the momentous improvement he had made, bywhich a family might save a dish of greens in a quarter, for so triflingan expense as that of purchasing, working, and maintaining such astupendous machine; but no man was ever more sarcastic in his remarksupon this piece of mechanism than the naturalist, who next appealed tothe patron's approbation for a curious disposition he had made touchingthe procreation of muck-flies, in which he had laid down a curiousmethod of collecting, preserving, and hatching the eggs of theseinsects, even in the winter, by certain modifications of artificialheat. The nature of this discovery was no sooner communicated, thanPeregrine, unable to contain himself, was seized with a fit of laughter,which infected every person at the table, the landlord himself notexcepted, who found it impossible to preserve his wonted gravity offace.

  Such unmannerly mirth did not fail to mortify the philosopher, who,after some pause, during which indignation and disdain were painted inhis countenance, reprehended our young gentleman for his unphilosophicalbehaviour, and undertook to prove, that the subject of his inquirywas of infinite consequence to the progress and increase of naturalknowledge. But he found no quarter from the vengeful engineer, who nowretorted his ironical compliments, with great emphasis, upon this hotbedfor the generation of vermin, and advised him to lay the whole processbefore the Royal Society, which would, doubtless, present him with amedal, and give him a place among their memoirs, as a distinguishedpromoter of the useful arts. "If," said he, "you had employed yourstudies in finding out some effectual method to destroy those insectswhich prejudice and annoy mankind, in all probability you must havebeen contented with the contemplation of the good you had done; but thiscurious expedient for multiplying maggots will surely entitle you to anhonourable rank in the list of learned philosophers."--"I don't wonder,"replied the naturalist, "that you should be so much averse to thepropagation of insects, because, in all likelihood, you are afraid thatthey will not leave you a cabbage to cut down with the same miraculousmachine."--"Sir," answered the mechanic, with great bitterness ofvoice and aspect, "if the cabbage be as light-headed as some muck-wormphilosophers, it will not be worth cutting down."--"I never disputeupon cabbage with the son of a cucumber," said the fly-breeder, alludingto the pedigree of his antagonist; who, impatient of the affront,started up with fury in his looks, exclaiming, "'Sdeath! meaning me,sir?"

  Here the patron, perceiving things drawing towards a rupture, interposedhis authority, rebuking them for their intemperance and recommendingto them amity and concord against the Goths and Vandals of the age, whotook all opportunities of ridiculing and discouraging the adherents ofknowledge and philosophy. After this exhortation, they had no pretencefor carrying on the dispute, which was dropped in all appearance, thoughthe mechanic still retained his resentment; and after breakfast, whenthe company broke up, accosted his adversary in the street, desiring toknow how he durst be so insolent as to make that scurrilous reflectionupon his family. The fly-fancier, thus questioned, accused themathematician of having been the aggressor, in likening his head toa light cabbage; and here the altercation being renewed, the engineerproceeded to the illustration of his mechanics, tilting up his handlike a balance, thrusting it forward by way of lever, embracing thenaturalist's nose like a wedge betwixt two of his fingers, and turningit round, with the momentum of a screw or peritrochium. Had they beenobliged to decide the dispute with equal arms, the assailant would havehad great advantage over the other, who was very much his inferior inmuscular strength; but the philosopher being luckily provided with acane, no sooner disengaged himself from this opprobrious application,than he handled his weapon with great dexterity about the head andshoulders of his antagonist, who, finding this shower of blows verydisagreeable, was fain to betake himself to his heels for shelter, andwas pursued by the angry victor, who chased him from one end ofthe street to the other, affording unspeakable satisfaction to themultitude, as well as to our hero and to his introductor, who werespectators of the whole scene.

  Thus was our adventurer initiated into the society of Yelpers, thoughhe did not as yet fully understand the nature of his office, which wasexplained by the young physician, who chid him for his blunt behaviourin the case of the medal; and gave him to understand, that theirpatron's favour was neither to be gained nor preserved by any man thatwould pretend to convict him of a mistake. He therefore counselled himto respect this foible, and cultivate the old gentleman with all thezeal and veneration which a regard to his own character would permit himto say. This task was the easier to one of our young gentleman's pliantdisposition, because the virtuoso's behaviour was absolutely free fromthat insolent self-conceit, which he could not bear without disgust. Thesenior was, on the contrary, mild and beneficent; and Pickle was ratherpleased than shocked at his weakness; because it flattered his vanitywith the supposition of his own superior sense. Cautioned in thismanner, Peregrine profited so much by his insinuating qualifications,that, in a very little time, he was looked upon as one of the chieffavourites of the patron, to whom he dedicated a small occasional poem;and everybody believed he would reap the fruits of his attachment amongthe first of the old gentleman's dependents.

  CHAPTER XCVI.