by Lucy Coleman
I sit down, before I fall down. I’m trembling all over.
‘You. Don’t. Love. Will?’
It comes out staccato fashion.
She sniffs again, loudly. ‘Maybe the Will I love doesn’t exist, because he turned into a raging monster before my eyes. I just want it all to be over now.’ She begins sobbing once more. ‘It’s the waste, Leesa, and what will people think?’
Wow. ‘Who cares what they think, Beth. If you are doing the right thing then that’s all that matters.’
More nose-blowing. ‘My head is cracking so I need to go and take some tablets. I’ll ring you later when I’m calmer. Thanks, sis, for being so understanding and kind. I know I’ve been a royal pain in the ass, and maybe I deserve this.’
‘No one deserves this, Beth. Love you, little sister. You will get through it. We’ll speak later.’
The line disconnects, and I sit back in my chair. Staring at the phone in sheer disbelief, I feel as if I’ve just dreamt the whole thing up.
Seconds later I dial Cary’s number, thinking the guys probably exchanged numbers on their weekend away and forewarned is forearmed.
I simply blurt it all out – probably verbatim, as Beth’s words are still going around and around inside my head.
‘That must have been some expensive cake!’ he remarks, but I can tell from his tone he’s saying the first thing that comes into his head. He certainly isn’t taking this lightly. ‘Obviously the pressure has been building for some time but, heck, Leesa – they complement each other so well. This is sheer madness. They stand to waste a ton of money if they pull out now. I can see them regretting this once they have both calmed down. Is it going to be possible to encourage them to take a day or two to think it through? It’s so eleventh-hour anyway. What difference would it make other than to allow them to pick things back up if this is just the result of pre-wedding stress?’
‘I don’t know. It was hard enough for Beth to tell me what happened, let alone have a meaningful conversation with her. Beth was adamant that she just wants it all to be over now, as she put it. She sounded pretty convinced she’d made a huge mistake, so I don’t know, Cary. She’s going to phone me later but it’s not looking good.’
Many of the guests will have already bought their outfits and wedding gifts… it makes me go hot and cold all over. What a mess!
‘No one else is involved, I suppose?’
Strangely enough, that thought hadn’t even occurred to me. That’s how convinced I was that it was a veritable match made in heaven.
‘I doubt Beth would have held that back if it were the case. And it would be out of character for either of them, which makes this all the more difficult to understand. Anyway, sorry to go on about it but I thought I should warn you. How are things going at your end?’
There’s a loud harrumph.
‘Falling apart faster than I can pull it back together again. And I hate to ask another favour when you have a major crisis to deal with, but Grandma has invited the two of us to dinner. At our earliest convenience.’
I can hear a lift in his voice as if he’s smiling at the inference.
‘Ah, like an audience with the Queen – who can refuse?’ I join in with his attempt to lighten the mood.
‘Having worked on Laurence, she’s now turned her attention back to me. And by implication, I’m afraid, you. Not having seen you since Easter I think she just wants to make sure things are still good between us.’
I’m so tempted to tell him she knows what we’re doing, and she longs for me to be a solution. The solution, I suppose.
‘In fairness I haven’t seen much of her. She’s been busy doing a book signing tour and I’ve been fighting the longest battle of my career. I’ve been putting off getting in touch with you about it because it raises another little issue. I still haven’t broached the subject of Granddad and I was hoping to do so and give her time to think about it before our next visit. But now she’s pressing me on this.’
Why is life so full of little issues?
‘Is your granddad chasing you, too?’ What an awkward situation for him to be in.
‘Fortunately, he’s still busy getting his little guest suite in the garden completed. I was going to ask if there was any chance you can get away this weekend for an overnight stay at my grandma’s. But now this upset over the wedding has happened maybe that’s not going to be possible.’
‘I’ll know more when I talk to Beth later today. She sounded adamant it was over, in which case she’ll probably go to Mum and Dad’s for some TLC. She will want to keep a low profile as this is going to take some unpicking and that’s going to be a painful process. I’ll text you with a simple yes or no, as soon as I’ve spoken to her. It might be best to have a third party there if you are going to broach the subject of Matthew, anyway.’
The anxiety must be building for him and that’s the last thing he needs.
‘Thanks, Leesa. How’s work?’
‘Ironically, everything is going just fine. Busy, of course, but I like it that way.’
‘And is your protégé behaving himself?’
Ooh, that’s out of the blue. Do I detect a note of annoyance creeping into his tone?
‘He’s young. I spelt it out to him and he now understands how easy it is to cross the line. It might have taught him a useful lesson for the future, but I felt bad.’
‘Yes, well, he should know better. It’s highly unprofessional. As his boss, you would have been well within your rights to give him a formal warning.’
I know where Cary is coming from, but this is Tim, grandson of George, who I happened to sit next to on a plane as a mere fluke. And we aren’t talking about some mega company here; just a small team where I’m the boss, but both Zack and Tim are working as hard as they can because they’re committed. One for all and all for one. I might be a canny businesswoman but I have a soft heart, or so it seems.
‘Oh, while I think of it, I don’t have the work number any more – it goes straight through to Tim. So always ring me on this number. Anyway, I’ll text you later. Bye for now.’
27
Decisions
I swing open the door of the taxi and Cary appears moments later. He leans in to give me a hug and plant a kiss firmly on my cheek, clearly very pleased to see me. Why does it feel so natural when it ought to feel strange? We aren’t doing this merely to keep up appearances because there’s no one else around.
‘Any further developments with Beth?’ he asks, taking my overnight bag from me and leading me upstairs. ‘Ironically, Grandma is at a function and won’t be back until around seven.’
He talks over his shoulder as I follow behind.
‘No, she’s adamant. It’s been a frantic time phoning around to make sure everyone is aware. I have visions of forgetting someone and they turn up at the church to find the doors locked. Dad talked to Will, who took on the task of making sure all of the arrangements were cancelled. Everyone is treating Beth like she’s ill, which is driving her mad, but she does need time alone to think. Mum is fielding her calls and you can imagine how difficult that is!’
‘What a total nightmare.’ His voice is full of sympathy.
‘And some. Dad and Will are working out the final cost, less anything that can be returned or refunded, and will split it in two. Unfortunately, the wedding dress has been tailored to fit and I have no idea what Beth will do with it. For the time being Mum has shoved everything in the spare room and firmly shut the door on it all. It’s turning into a real saga.’
I’m in the same room as before; it’s directly below Cressida’s roof terrace and has far-reaching views, out over the Bristol Channel.
Cary and I stand side by side, staring out.
‘Sort of puts you off the idea of marriage, doesn’t it?’ he half-mumbles to himself.
‘I was never into it in the first place but I still did it. And look how that turned out,’ I declare vehemently.
He turns to look at me and studies my
face.
‘What if it was a more civilised arrangement? An extension of the agreement we already have?’
‘To placate Cressida?’
He nods. ‘You’d save on rent and there’s plenty of room here. It’s just a thought.’
‘Cary, it’s nearly noon and I need a drink before we tackle this topic.’
‘Come on, Nicholas is out shopping but he has organised a buffet lunch. He’s fussing over tonight’s dinner for the three of us because Grandma told him she’s celebrating a new book deal. Plus she’s keen to catch up with us both, of course.’
I grimace. ‘I didn’t bring anything very dressy. Is that a faux pas?’ I turn my head and look at him, walking one pace behind me as we head out onto the landing.
Suddenly, Cary catches my hand and spins me around.
‘You always look good no matter what you wear.’
My hand is still in his and the feel of his skin on mine sends a little quiver up my spine. If this was just about us then, heck, my mouth would be on his right now, leaving him in no uncertainty that I’m up for throwing caution to the wind. But this is about deceiving a woman by implying Cary and I really do have a long-term future together, which isn’t the case. She deserves to be treated with more respect than that. Not just because she’s famous, affluent, or even his grandmother – but because she loves him with all her heart.
‘As tempting as that offer is, Cary,’ I try not to sound a tad sarcastic, ‘there comes a point when you have to decide whether it’s kinder to be truthful, rather than to give false hope. Doing what we’ve done for a short time is one thing; it gave us both a reprieve, a little breathing space when the pressure became too much. This house and you installed here, happily married and filling it with a brood of little ones, is Cressida’s dream for you. To let her believe it’s going to come true isn’t just placating her, it’s sidestepping the issue.’
I wish he would let go of my hand.
‘I’m not in a good place at the moment, Leesa. I can’t give her what she wants right this minute. I know there is chemistry building between you and me, it’s obvious but neither of us is in a position to rush into anything. We’re both trying to ignore it, because it complicates things that are already difficult to contend with. I’m trying to find a way around it that would allow my grandma to go off and do what she wants to do. It would give us time to get to know each other, without pressure. Just to see where it leads.’
I laugh, and it sounds jaded. ‘Like housemates?’
I disentangle my hand from his.
‘How many people could have made our arrangement work? Few, if any, I suspect. We understand each other, Leesa, and that’s a good basis on which to build.’
Not in my little world, Cary, that voice in my head silently retorts. I’m never, ever going to settle for anything ever again. If it’s not the real thing then I’m not prepared to expose myself. No matter what my gut instincts might be telling me, because they’ve been wrong before.
We saunter downstairs in a sombre mood and head for the kitchen. The house feels so empty with just the two of us here. Such a contrast to the family gatherings when it’s full of noise and laughter. I briefly picture Cary and I rattling around, avoiding each other on the bad days after realising we made a mistake and I don’t fit in here – I shudder, before dismissing the vision.
‘Red or white?’ Cary asks over his shoulder as he plucks two wine glasses from a cupboard.
‘Red, please. Can I help?’
He’s deep in thought, no doubt contemplating the next step in his ill-conceived little plan.
‘Or should I just stand around looking decorative?’
‘Sorry, my mind was elsewhere. There are two platters in the fridge, that large double-door unit over there. They need to go on the tray that Nicholas left out for us.’
Everything is so neat and pristine. Even the tray is covered with a white linen cloth. What would it be like to live here? I’m not a linen cloth person, that’s for sure. It was once a permanent family home, in the real sense of the word. It can be so again, I’m sure. But this isn’t the lifestyle for me.
Cary pours a little wine into each glass and hands them to me.
‘I’ll carry the tray. After you.’
When the cover comes off the platters I seriously doubt it was Nicholas who assembled them. This isn’t robust, Jamie Oliver food but a selection of delicate bites with a whole host of different flavours. Fish, meat and vegetarian. It sure beats a sandwich from the local supermarket.
‘You’ve gone very quiet,’ Cary observes as he raises his glass and holds it aloft.
What to toast? It certainly isn’t success.
‘To solutions,’ I jump in quickly.
Is my heart beating just a little bit faster as I scan his face? I remember his lips on mine and how good it felt. Physical desire and love are two different things, I remind myself. And if it’s not mutual then it’s a non-starter. Stick to the plan, Leesa, and don’t get sidetracked.
‘I’m really sorry. It’s all a bit screwed up and that was very unfair of me. Of course, you are right. But maybe I need to stand back a little and come at this from a different angle.’ His response is unexpected.
‘Angle?’
‘Grandma hasn’t been happy since Granddad left and I wonder if that’s at the root of her desire to make sweeping changes. I know Granddad hasn’t been happy since he left here, either. Maybe this house isn’t waiting for me at all, but for them to get back together.’
The thinnest sliver of beef on a little bed of horseradish and dill, topped with a small square of Stilton, sends my taste buds into rapture. So much so, that I take my time to savour it before answering. I can see he’s watching intently for my reaction, although I’m loath to get drawn in. It’s becoming an increasingly difficult scenario now, as he’s ignoring how volatile the situation could become.
‘I understand why you think that’s a good idea, Cary. But it’s a delicate matter, given what we now know.’
‘You don’t agree it’s the right thing to do, given that I’m all out of options?’
‘Cressida is worried about you, not Matthew.’
He shrugs, nonchalantly and this time takes a long swig from his wine glass.
‘As I said, I’m out of options, Leesa.’
I’m beginning to lose patience with him. Some problems can’t be fixed so why doesn’t he focus on what he can control?
‘Cary, I’ve seen the reaction you get from women when you’re in a room full of people. Their eyes seek you out. The married females wistfully, the unattached females thinking of ways to catch your attention. Isn’t it time you brushed off those insecurities and opened yourself up a little? Why fake it when you have everything going for you to make it happen for real?’
He stops eating, leaning back in his chair to stare blankly at me for a few seconds.
‘As much as I downplay it, for obvious reasons, every date I’ve ever had is a potential opportunity to find someone special. But they never are and that’s the problem. Paige knew me, the man I am inside and I felt comfortable with her. I could be myself.’
He sounds so vulnerable at this moment and I’m surprised he’s admitted that to me.
‘Maybe you’re expecting too much, too soon. Attraction is instant, but love grows. What exactly are you looking for, or rather, what type of person are you looking for?’
He shifts uncomfortably in his chair, no doubt wishing I’d just stop talking.
‘Sally. Well, not Laurence’s Sally, obviously, but someone like her. She sacrifices a lot for Laurence and the kids, accepting that it will be a few more years before she can think about her own ambitions…’
Why couldn’t he just have said ‘You’?
He continues as I brush aside a sense of gutting disappointment. ‘Everything she does is out of love for them and it’s honest. Real. No one could ask for more than that.’
And I thought he was a man who wasn’t tapped into his
emotions. But at least I know where I stand. He’s made me feel emotional now. Cary clears his throat, nervously.
‘Time to change the subject, I think. After lunch shall we take a walk down to the farm? Robert made me promise I’d swing by, so he could say hello. You’ve made quite an impression on him.’
‘Because he thinks we’re a couple and he’s taking an interest out of concern for you, Cary. Doesn’t that make you feel bad?’ I know it’s stupid feeling angry, but I do. Cary has no idea at all that he’s hurt me, so how can I hold that against him?
Our eyes meet, and he at least has the decency to look slightly abashed, although I’m not sure why. Maybe he didn’t mean to be so honest and now he’s regretting it.
‘Hmm. Let me pose a question, it isn’t a trick one. How many men are you seeing outside of work, aside from me?’
‘None.’
‘Not even that young guy at work?’
He knows his name.
‘No.’
‘I rang and asked you to come and spend the weekend. You agreed. Isn’t that technically a date?’
Now he’s playing with me and I’m not falling for his little strategy to enlist my help. That what harm can it do mentality is dangerous and cavalier. For me, now, it has to be all about self-preservation.
‘I like you, Cary, and I will be honest and say that wasn’t the case when we first met. I know so much about you, your family and your life now, that I feel involved. As I would for any friend going through a hard time. But I’m not prepared to be anyone’s long-term, temporary solution. Even that is a form of commitment.’
A look of nervous disappointment causes him to frown.
‘Point taken. But do you know what? You’re good for me, Leesa; you make me stop and think about what I’m doing. That makes me a better person, more grounded as Grandma would probably say. Plus, you aren’t impressed by all this.’ He flicks his wrist, gesturing with an outstretched hand at the building around us. ‘You don’t sulk, and you never complain. So, what do you want out of life, Leesa?’