Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs
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“Youhavetobetonyourselfbecauseifyoudon'tbelieveenoughinyourself,nobodyelsewill.We'reallgonnadie.
Thequestionis:Areweallgonnalive?Ididn'twanttolookupfromahospitalbedandwonder,whywasItoo scaredtotry?”
—RogerFishman,AdventurePhotographer,formerChiefofGlobalMarketing,CAA GusKaminskiwasaCaptainoftheNavySEALLeapfrogs,theirskydivingteam.Andafterwatchinghimandhis teammatesfloatontothefieldatDodgerStadium,mywifeandIsatwithhimtowatchthegame.Aftertellinghim howenviousIwasthathecouldbasicallyexperienceflightwithaparachute,Ilamentedabouthowdeadmy schedulehadbecomeaswestuckaroundforonelastchanceatashow.Seeinganopening,heinvitedusbackdown totheSanDiegoareatoskydivewithhimthenextday.Iwouldn'tsaythatskydivingwasnecessarilyonmybucket list,butwhenyouhaveapersonalconnectiontoaNavySEALwhoiswillingtoshowyouandyournewbridethe ropes,youkindofhavetotakehimuponit.Aftercomplainingofbeingboredbyalackofopportunitiesand excitement,wedecidedtotaketheplunge,literally.
Jumpingoutofaplaneat13,000feetisagoodwaytodieifyoudon'tknowwhatyou'redoing.Butifyoustrap yourselftotheCaptainoftheLeapfrogs,thechancesofdeathdiminishconsiderably.Wewereabletoexperiencethe thrillofflightwithouttheusualriskthatattendssuchafeat.It'snotthatwedidn'ttakearisk—everyskydiveisarisk regardlessofskillandexperience—butwemitigatedthechancesoffailurebyseekingcounselandguidancefroman expertwhocouldleadtheway.ButhavingKaminskididnotremovethefearandexcitementthatoccurswhenthe doorisraisedandtheentiresideoftheplaneisopentoEarthfarbelow.Nordidbeingstrappedtohimtakeaway theextremerushofrockingbackandforththreetimesbeforelaunchingmyselfintoabackflip,thenlevelingoutand free-fallingforoveraminute.Foraleaptobeconsideredaleap,itmustcontainthepossibilityofflightaswellasthe possibilityofplummetingtotheearth.
“Sacrificehurtstothebone.”
—Dr.ChristopherJ.Burns,MD,FACS,TraumaSurgeon,formerUSNavySEAL
PlummetingtotheearthissomethingthatIfacedinadifferentwayuponreturningtoNewYorkCityattheendof April2003.ThedaydreamsI'dhadofmy SopranosstintleadingtomesittingonLetterman'scouchtodiscussmy latestblockbusterfilmcamecrashingdownintotherealityofunemployment.TheBuzzofmysuccesswasgone.The onlythingleftwasthedecisiontoremovemyegoandfindawaytostartputtingfoodonthetableagain.Iplaced myselfbackbehindthethreefeetofmahoganywhereI'dslungsomanydrinksforyears.Thoughtherewasnoway toknowitatthetime,I'dbebartendingforanothertwoyearsbeforeIcouldputitbehindmeforgood.
Butstill,therewasasilverlining.Thoughitmaynothavepaidoffforanotherfifteenyears,thiswastheperiod when,despitethefactthatI'dmetmywifewhileworkingthebarandhadmanyalaughbehindmanyabar,Iwanted outofbartendingforgood.Iwentbackto Backstagemagazine.Onlythistime,Iwasn'tlookingforpostsaboutgigs, Iwaspostinganad.Ibegantoteachanactingclassandcoachyoungactors.Whileitdidn'tmakememuchmoney, itinspiredme.Andwiththebenefitofhindsight,IcannowseethatthejoyIgotfromteachingturnedouttobethe seedthateventuallygrewintothe 10,000NOspodcastin2017andnow,intothisbookthatyou'rereading.
TopThreeTakeaways
1. Riskisnecessary.Withoutit,youcan'tleaveyourhouse,letaloneaccomplishanydreams.
2. Takingariskimpliesthatyoucanlosejustaseasilyaswin.
3. Contrarytopopularbelief,youcan'thaveitall.Whenchoicesworkout,theyfeelgood.Whentheydon't, youneedtoremindyourselfthatthisisn'ttheendofyourstoryandcontinuetotakerisks.
CHAPTER6
Perseverance
“Keep‘emchoppin’,keep‘emchoppin’,lalalalalala!!!!”
— CoachHurley,FreshmanFootballCoach,JohnJayHighSchool You'venowheardenoughstoriestounderstandwhy,whenIamaskedtospeaktosoon-to-begraduatesofMFA (MastersofFineArts)actingprogramsinLosAngeles,Idescribemyjobas“beingtold‘no’foraliving.”Itusually elicitsachucklefromatleastafewofthegraduates,buthearingmystoriesabouttheintricateanduniquewaysin whichI'vebeenpoundedby“thebusiness,”itstartstosinkinthattheyneedtopreparethemselvesforalifeof rejectioniftheyarereallygoingtocarryonasprofessionalactors.Perhapstheadjectivethatmostencapsulatesthe qualitiesinherentinanyactorwhohaslastedmorethanadecadeis“perseverance.”
PerseveranceIsforEveryone
Idon'tbelievethatperseveranceisjustforactors. Merriam-Webster'sDictionarydefinesperseveranceas
“continuedefforttodoorachievesomethingdespitedifficulties,failureoropposition:STEADFASTNESS.”My personaldefinitionofperseverancehasalwaysbeen“theabilitytogoon,whenthegoinggetstough.”
Assuch,perseveranceappliestoeveryrelationshipandeveryactivityinwhichweengagethroughoutourlives,from ourkidstoourjobstoourrelationships.Becausethethingsthatmattermosttousarenevergoingtobeperfectright offthebat,orever,forthatmatter.Whichiswhyweneedtopractice followthroughwhenthingsdon'tgoas planned.
HadIbeenabletoGoogle“statisticsforactors”whenIwasconsideringthisprofessionbackinthemid-1990s, there'sagoodchanceIwouldn'tbewritingthisbookrightnow.IfIhad reallyexaminedthecauldronintowhichI wasconsideringjumping,Imight'veruntheotherway.Here'sjustonequoteIwouldhaveseen:
“Thestatisticsare terrifying…manyactorswilladmitthattherearesomeroleswherepaymentarrives, notinthe formofmoney,butin opportunityor experience.”
—AliceVincent,“MorethanHalfofActorsAreUnderPovertyLine,” TheTelegraph, January17,2014
Luckily,Ididn'tresearchthestatistics.NordidIlistentoeveryonewhotriedtotalkmeoutofit.Whenpeopleasked meifIhadaPlanB,Iwouldtellthemthataback-upplanmeantthat,onsomelevel,IthoughtIwasgoingtofail.I hadmydoubts,butwhenIexpressedthemtomycousin,whoworkedasaNewYorkCityschoolteacherbydaywhile helpingtoraisethreekidsandgiggingwithhisguitarover200nightsayeartobolsterhismusiccareer,hesaid,
“You're22.Tryitforthreeyears.Ifyougetnowhere,youcanalwaysgogetarealjob.”Thatwasthespiritthatgot meupandrunning.Aboutayearlater,inthesummerof1995,RonHoward's Apollo13cameoutandIadoptedthe phrasethatEdHarrisdeliveredwithperfection,“Failureisnotanoption.”
Irealizethatthequoteatopthischaptermayappearasifitisjustsomesoundscomingoutofthemouth.But,as overlysimpleandpotentially“meathead-ish”asitmaysound,therearepearlsofwisdomtobeputtowardourentire existencecontainedinthatonelittleexpression.Themannerinwhichitwasdeliveredtousrepeatedlybyourcoach throughoutmyfreshmanfootballseasonisalsoofnote.Inordertominethatwisdom,weneedtobreakitdown.
“Keep'emchoppin'”referstoafootballplayer'sfeetcontinuingtomovethroughthewhistlethatendseachplay, duringwhichtimetheplayercontinuestoblockanopponent.Thisisallanattempttofreeupalanefortherunning backtoreachtheopposingteam'sendzoneandcarrytheballacrossthegoallineforatouchdown.“Chopping,”in thiscontext,meanstokeepone'sfeetmovingupanddownincessantly,diggingone'scleatsintothegroundoverand overinanattempttomoveadefensiveplayerbackward.The“lalalalalalala”partofthephrasewasdeliveredwith greatvolumeandgustoasitservedtomotivateandinspireplayerstomoveopponentswhoweresometimestwice theirsizeandwouldrequireeveryounceofeffort.Thisquotewouldbeineffectiveifdeliveredwithoutenergyasitis supposedtomimicthesoundofanenginepumping.It'sworthnotingthatpeopleoftensay“lalalalalala”while pluggingtheirearsifsomeonenearbyisattemptingtotellthemsomethingtheywouldprefernottohear.Thereisan as
pectof notthinkinginherentinthiscommand.
“Andeveryonethattoldmetogoscrewmyself,Ididn'tmakeanoteofit…Funnyenough,byonlyrecognizingmy positives,Iwasupto[fivetimesmoredealsclosing].”
—SteveSims,Founder/CEO,Bluefish;Author, Bluefishing:TheArtofMakingThingsHappen Notthinking,whileoftenconsideredanegativeactionthatoneshouldavoid,canbeemployedincertain circumstancestogreateffect,particularlyinthepursuitofapredeterminedgoal.Infootball,thereisalotofthought about whomoneshouldbeblockingonanygivenplayand inwhichdirectiononeshouldmovethem.Contrarytoan outsider'sperspective,thegameoffootballcontainsmuchstrategyandspecificity.Theseare hugeaspectsofthe game,evenonafreshmanlevel.Despitethefactthatitmaylooklikeabunchofpeoplegruntingandhittingone another,football,inmanyways,canbethoughtofasalive-action,humanchessmatch.Butonceyou'vedetermined the whoandthe where,thoughtisnolongerneeded.Fromthatpointon,tenacityandperseverancewins.Youdon't needtobethefastestorthestrongest,particularlyinhighschool,inordertobeeffective.Ifyoucansticktoyour assignmentthroughthewhistle,whichsignalstheendofeachplay,youcanbeanintegralpartofanyteam.And
that'sallIdid.
ItookCoachHurley'steachingstoheartbecause,despite lovingfootball,myuniquecombinationofslow,skinny, andweakdidn'tbodewellformyNFLdreams.Luckily,Iwasgivenmorethanmyshareofhustleanddriveatbirth.
Somehow,Ialwayshadtheabilitytostayinthegameevenafterdisastrousresults,askillthatI'veusedoverand overasanactor.Thatsaid,asmuchasItried,thereweremanytimeswhenallIgotformyeffortsweredisastrous results.
Onesuchinstancecameattheendofmyfirstyearonthevarsityteam,asajunior.Priortothatyear,Iplayedtight end,anoffensivepositionwell-suitedtomyleanbuild.Iplayeddefensiveendaswell,whichseemedlogical.But junioryear,despitemyleanbuild,Ihadbeenshiftedtorighttackleontheoffensivesideoftheball.Thebuildofa prototypicaltackleiscloseronthespectrumtothatofasumowrestler.I,ontheotherhand,lookedmorelikea stringbean;standingatsixfoottwo,Ionlyweighedabout160poundssoakingwet.ThefactthatCoachHurley's mantrasstillfloatedthroughmybraintwoyearslaterwasessential.IwouldneedalltheheartandenergyIcould mustertobeeffectiveinthisnewposition.
“Insteadofbeingavictiminmylife,I'mgoingtobecomethesuperheroofmyownstoryandI'mgonnatakethis andI'mgonnausethisandI'mgonnahaveithelpmeachievesomethingthatIthinkisreallyspecial.”
—SiriLindley,WorldChampionTriathlete
Despitemylackofsize,myvarsitycoach,JimCapalbo,shockinglyendedupgivingmemoreplayingtimethanmost ofmyfellowjunior-yearteammatesthatseason.Ability-wise,Iprobablydidn'tbelongonthefield,butCoachliked myattitude,sothroughouttheseasonIwouldsubstituteinonoffenseanddefenseperiodically.Ourstartersatthe tackleanddefensiveendpositionsweretwoseniors,bothofwhomwerenotonlytwoinchestallerthanme,butalso outweighedmebyagood50or60poundseach.So,whileIlovedgettingopportunitiestoplay,andI'dliketobelieve Iwaswell-likedbymyteammates,IwasalsocognizantofwhatweweresacrificingasateameverytimeItookthe field.
SometimesLifeIsGoingtoPancakeYou
Attheendoftheyear,thelargerofourtwogiantseniorswentdownwithaninjuryandIwascalledup.IwastoldI'd bestartingbothwaysinourBowlGame,whichwasabigdealforajunioronthatteam.IwishIcouldfinishthis storywithagloriousending,butthistaleturnedoutquitetheopposite.I'mproudofwhatIdidthatday,firingoff theballwithvengeanceinanattempttomakeupformylackofsizeagainstthe6-foot,4-inch,230-poundmonster linedupacrossfromme.Butthereisoneparticularplaythatwillalwaysstickoutinmymindfromthatgame,likea recurringnightmareofhelplessness.TheguyIwentupagainstallgameinthecoldmudwasasenioronthe opponent'steamandhewasnotonlylarge,butstrongandquick,too.Andwhilemyframeputupavaliantfight, therewasatleastoneplaywhereheartwasoutmatchedbyphysics.
Stoppedonthreedownsandforcedtopunt,wewerehopingtoatleastpintheopposingteamdeepintotheir territory.Unlikerun-blocking,wherealinemanfiresoffthelineandtriestopushtheiropponentbackward,punt-blockingismorepassive.Whentheballissnapped,theoffensivelineman,mypositiononthisplay,movesbackward slightlywhilestayinginareadyposition.Thisallowsthedefensivelinemantofireofftheballandsmashintohim withlessoppositionthanusual.And,ifthatdefensivelinemanoutweighstheoffensivelinemanby70orsopounds, hehasachanceto“pancake”him,flatteninghimoutasherunshimover.ThisGoliathfiredoffthelineatme.Imet himwithresistanceanddugmycleatsin,butthemuddyfieldbeneathmemayaswellhavebeenice.AsI“kept'em choppin',”heproceededtoplowmebackwardasthoughIwereamoveableblockingsledonskates.Iremained betweenhimandourpunterforaboutfiveyardsuntilmycleatsduginandcausedmetostopdeadinmytracks,at whichpointhepancakedme.
Ican'tbesurethatmymemoryisaccurateas,atthatpoint,Iwasflatonmyback,butIbelievethataftersaid pancaking,hesomersaulted,thenpoppedupgracefullyjustintimetoblockourpunt.Theotherteamrecoveredthe ballandeventuallymarcheddownthefieldandscored.
TosaythatIwassolelyresponsibleforourlosswouldbeanoverstatement,butthisplaycertainlydoesnotbelong onmyhighschoolfootballhighlightreel.Regardless,itdidnotkeepmefromplayingfootballagain.Asweusedto say:getup,dustyourselfoff,andgetbackinthegame.Mysenioryearwewent8and2fortheseason.Regardlessof alossoraterriblegame,wedidnotquitorgiveup.Instead,wepersevered.
“Itrytoteachmykidstobeunoffendable…totakeaproblem,takeanissue,findthegoodsideofitandlaughat it.Andgothroughitwiththemusteryouneedtogetthroughthatnextstorm.Thingswillalwaysgetbetteronthe otherside.”
—MattLong,IronmanTriathlete,Author, TheLongRun:ANewYorkCityFirefighter'sTriumphantComeback fromCrashVictimtoEliteAthlete
Likewise,thefinalgameofmyhighschoollacrossecareer,wherewelostinthesectionalfinalstotheeventualstate championdespitebeingaheadathalftime,wasanemotionaleventforme.Thefrustrationandsadnesswerenotjust fromtheloss,butfromthefactthatmycoachpulledmeinthesecondhalftogivetimetoanunderclassman,forcing metowatchtheendofmyhighschoollacrossecareerfromthesidelines.Itwasnotonlymaddening,but humiliating.Itleftabadtasteinmymouthformyhighschoolcoachanditdampenedtheendofthatyearforme.
ButitdidnotstopmefromtryingoutfortheteamwhenIarrivedatBostonCollege.Ifwestoppedeverytimewe hadasetbackorsufferedhumiliation,wewouldnevergetanywhere.Thetruthisthatthosehumiliationsfeelhuge
to us,butnooneelseusuallyremembersthem.Irecentlyrecountedthisstorytoafewofmyoldteammatesandthey barelyrememberedmebeingpulledinthatsecondhalf.Theyweretoocaughtupintheirowndramas.Today,in interviews,I'mneveraskedwhatitfeltliketobepancakedonapuntplayorpulledfrommyfinalhighschool lacrossegame,butI'veoftenbeenaskedwhatitwasliketoplayasportattheDivisionIlevel.Whatashameitwould havebeenifIhadquitbeforeIhadthatopportunity.
Manytimes,whenweberateourselvesfor“failing,”werealizeaftersometimethatthatperceivedfailurewas actuallythesteppingstonetoamuchlargersuccess.Whiletherearemanyparallelstothesesportsstoriesinmy actingcareer,ofcarryingoninspiteofhowdifficultanendeavor'schallengesmightbe,theexperiencesthathavecut thedeepestformearenotnecessarilyfromwithstandinglonghoursonagruelingset.Manypeopleinotherfields, andhugestarsinmyown,sharewarstoriesofworkinginterribleconditionsortryingtoremainawakeonthejob aftermonthsofworkwithoutagoodnight'ssleep.WhileIhaveafew
ofthose,too,mytoughesttaskhasalwaysbeen facingtheabyssofunemploymentaswellastheemotionalrollercoasterofnearmisses.Inanindustrywherejobs canbewonorlostonthewhimsofanexecutive'smoodoranynumberoffactorsoutsideofmycontrol,Ihave leanedheavilyonamantraofperseverance:“Justkeepputtingonefootinfrontoftheother,”anddonotwalkon thathill!
IsYourBiggestBreakaFewDoorsDowntheHallway?
Therearetoomanyharrowingstoriesfrommycareertofitinthisbook,butperhapstheonethatemphasizesmore thanmosttheneedtogooninspiteofpainandheartachebeginswith,ofallthings,asoapopera.Myagentcalled mewithanauditionforaseriesregularroleon AstheWorldTurns.Thiswasnotmydreamjob,but anyjobthat waswillingtoconsistentlypaymeto act,whenmyincomecamealmostexclusivelyfrombartending,waswelcome.
Justpriortotheinitialaudition,Ihadgonethroughabreakupandspenttheweekendpreoccupiedwithitsfallout.
BythetimeIwentinforthecastingdirector,Iwasmuchlesspreparedthanusual.Inanironictwist,myattitudeof notcaringmuchabouttheactualauditionturnedouttobethethingthathelpedme.WhenIwentintotheroom,the castingdirectoraskedhowIwasbutneverpeeledhiseyesfromhiscomputer.Thebreakupstillfrontofmindand nothavingtheenergytofakeit,Ianswered,“Nottoogood.”Thisimmediatelycaughthisattentionandbroughthim tomytruth.
Afteraconversationaboutlove,life,andrelationshipsthatwentfardeeperthanusualaudition-roomchit-chat,he asked,“Areyousureyou'reokaytoread?”ItoldhimI'dgiveitawhirlandwereadthroughthescene.Goodactingis listeningandreacting.AndbecauseIwasemotionallydepleted,that'sallIhadtheenergytodo.BythetimeIleftthe roomIhadafeelingIwasinthemix.Myagentcalledlaterthatdayandconfirmedit.Iwasbroughtinforacallback adayortwolater.Then,afteraboutthree moreroundsofauditions,IfoundmyselfonsetinBrooklynforascreen test.Bythattime,Ihaddonealotofplaysandstudentfilms,butIwasstillinexperiencedenoughthatjustbeingon anactualsetwassurreal.