Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs
Page 6
TheRightWayIstheWaythatWorksforYou
Ferruggiacreatedasystemthatworkedformebykeepingitsimple.Beforedesigningmytraininganddietregimens, hefirstaskedmetodefinemygoal.Whenmymuddledanswer,thatIwantedtogainmuscle andbemoredefined, contradicteditself,hedidn'tplacateme.Givenmytighttimeline,heforcedmeto makeachoice.Hisadvicewasto getmoreleanbecauseitwouldbemoreeffectiveoncameraforwhatIneeded.Hetooktheguessworkoutandmade theplaneasyformetofollow.Eventhoughhehasworkedwithothersinmoreintricateandsophisticatedways,he knewIdidn'thavethetimeorbandwidthtodothat.Instead,helaiditoutformeinabasicwaysoIcouldfollowit totheletter.Heknewthatdisciplinewasthemostimportantfactor,sohedesigneditsoamonkeycouldfollowit.It wassopragmaticthattherewasnothingtoarguewith.Eitherdoit,ordon'tdoit.Thechoicewasmine.
“Thefirsttimeyouwalkintoagymyoudon'tsay,‘BecauseIcan'tsquat225or315 nowitmeansI'llneverdoit.’
Samethingwiththis.Anybodycangetbetteratthisstuff.Youtrackyoursquatsorchin-upsatthegym,soI wouldsay,‘Okay,howmanycomplimentsdidIgive?’AndI'dwriteitinmyjournal.‘HowmanytimesdidIstarta conversationwithsomebody,inthelineatStarbucksoratthegrocerystore?’I'djustpushmyselfeveryday.And, now,that'smything.It'ssupereasynow.Itwasjustwork,that'sallitwas.Justrepetition.”
—JayFerruggia,StrengthCoachandSpeaker,onbeingaformerintrovertturnedsuperconnector WhenIwasinthethirdgrade,myteachergavemyclassanassignmentinthebeginningoftheschoolyear,dueat theendofeachsemester.Notbeingmuchofadisciplinarian,sheneverreallymentioneditafterthat.Ifshedid,I certainlydidn'thearher.Theassignmentinvolvedreadingshortstoriesinourtextbooksthroughoutthesemester andansweringsixtoeightquestionsperstory.Itwasthekindofassignmentthatwouldhavebeeneasyifitwere donethroughouttheyear,butbytheendofthesemester,whenwewereremindedoftheduedate,Iwascaught completelyoff-guard.Notonestomessaroundwhenitcametomyeducation,myparentsdidnotgiveintomypleas tofinishitaftergoingtoapopularannualcarnivalinourtown.Instead,theysetupafoldingtableinmybedroom andessentiallylockedmeinsideuntilallmyworkwasdone.
Aftermuchtwisting,turning,andschmoozingtotrygetoutofit,IrealizedIhadnochoice.OnceIsettleddown,I actuallyfoundajoy,andevencomfort,inthework.Ilikedthefeelingofprogress.WhenIfinished,Ifeltarealsense ofprideandaccomplishment.ItoldmyparentsIwishedIhadreadthestoriesearlierbecausetheywereactually good.Iwasnotlyingtothem;thedisciplinereallydidfeelgreat.Andyet,attheendofthenextsemester, unbelievably,Ihaddoneitagain.Astheduedateapproached,Ihadn'ttouchedthestories.And,again,myparents lockedmeupandthrewawaythekeyuntilIcameoutwithalltheworkcomplete.
Sometimes,becauseweareimperfectbeings,wehavetobetaughtlessonsalotmorethanoncebeforewelearn them.Theuniversehasawayofcontinuingtothrowthesamelessonourwayuntilwefinallywiseupandcanhandle itandmoveforward.IfIhadn'tlearnedmylessonbytheendofthethirdgrade,myfourthgradeteacher,Ms.
Taylor,whomeveryonefeared,wassentbytheuniversetodothetrick.MyDadstillremindsmethatitisMs.Taylor whochangedthecourseofmylifethroughsheerdiscipline.IgotstraightE's(forExcellent)andstraight1's(forgood
behavior)allyearlong.Infact,Iexcelledinschoolingeneralfromthenon.WhenmyparentswenttoseeMs.Taylor fortheirparent-teacherconferencethatyear,myDadgesturedtoherheadandasked,“Wherearethey?”Ms.Taylor lookedconfuseduntilmyfathergrinnedandsaid,“Yourhorns.”Theyalllaughedandmyparentsthankedher profuselyforhavingthetoughlovetoteachmeoneofthemostteachabledifference-makersonecanlearn:the powerofdisciplineandgoodstudyhabits.
Disciplineisnecessaryifnoteasy.Whilesomehaveitnaturally,itcanbehoned.Likenearlyeverythingelseinthis book,itissimplyachoice.Whenyougettothepointthattheactionsyou'vebeentakingarenolongerbringingyou satisfactionorjoy,youwilllikelybeatthejuncturewhereyoudecidetogivedisciplineatry.Onceyoubegin,you mayneverstopbecauseyou'lllearnthatstructurewillbringyoufreedom,andeveryhabitthatyouchoosetogiveup willbereplacedbyabetterhabitthatbringsyoujoyratherthanmiseryandfrustration.
TopThreeTakeaways
1. Disciplinerequiresclarityanddemandsthatyoumakechoices.Youcan'thaveyourcakeandeatit,too.
2. Planningandpreparationreducetheneedtoexerciseyourwillpower.
3. Remaininglaser-focusedonagoalthroughthefinishlinewillreapyoumorerewardsthanyourealize whenyouinitiallysetouttoruntherace.
CHAPTER5
Risk
“Ifyouwanttotaketheisland,youneedtoburntheboats.”
— TonyRobbins,UnleashthePowerWithin
In2016,mywifeandIwereinvitedtoTonyRobbins'sUnleashthePowerWithinseminarinSanJose,California.
Therewasmuchexcitementthroughouttheweekendaswegottoknow,andfire-walkwith,someimpressivepeople sittinginoursection.ActorGerardButler,WorldChampionTriathleteSiriLindley,andphysicaltherapistand strengthcoachRoryCordial,whoissogoodathisjobthatBeyoncéandJay-Zbringhimwiththemontheirworld tourstokeepthemlimberandhealthy,wereamongthefolkswithwhomwewerefortunateenoughtoconnect.Iwas inspiredenoughtojumpstartmythen-nascentideaforthe 10,000NOspodcast,andmanyofthosepeoplehave sincebeenguestsontheshow.Thatweekend,themajorityoftopicsthatwerecoveredresonatedforme,buttheone thatreallystoodoutwastheideabehindburningtheboats.
ConquerorDie
Itwassoappropriateformeatthattimebecausewehadjustleftourrent-stabilizedapartmentonthebeachof SantaMonicaearlierthatweektomoveintoahouseintheneighborhoodwhereourkidshadbeencommutingto school.Whilethismovedoubledourmonthlyexpenses,weknewtheriskweweretakingwasanattempttoputour kidsandourfamilyinaneighborhoodwherewecouldthrivethemost.
Theideabehind“burningtheboats”issimple:conquerordie.Theliteralburningoftheboatsreferstoahistorical invasion,althoughtherearedisputesastowhichone.OnepossibilityisSpanishconquerorHernánCortés's conquestoftheAztecEmpirein1519.Withtheintenttoseizetreasure,Cortésledalargeexpeditiontoinvadewhat wenowknowasMexico.Hisinvaderswereoutnumberedbythewarriorsdefendingtheshores.Cortésorderedhis mentoburntheirshipsbeforetakingtheisland.Withintwoyears,theAztecEmpirebelongedtoSpain.Forme,the lessonisthatthereisnoopportunityforthegloryofvictoryifonedoesnotplacehimorherselfinapositionwhere heorshemayfacerealdangerordefeat.
Iseethecoreprinciplebehind“burningtheboats”applyingto anydecision,largeorsmall,thatwemayface throughoutthecourseofoneday,orourentirelife.Intheearly2000s,whilestrugglingwiththedecisionofwhether IshouldremaininNewYorkCityormovetoLosAngeles,atrustedconfidantsimplylookedatmeandsaid,“Ifyou movetoLosAngeles,you'llmissoutonopportunitieshereinNewYork…AndifyouremainhereinNewYork, you'llmissoutonopportunitiesinLosAngeles.”Itwascomicallysimple,yettrue.NomatterhowmuchmoneyIpay anactingcoachortherapist,orhowmuchadviceIseekfromacolleagueormentor,ultimatelythedecisionsImake comedownto meand mydesires,nooneelse's.Andeverysingleoneofthosedecisionscontainsrisk,whetherI'm awareofitornot.
Thechallengeisnotin understandingthissimpleprinciple.Thechallengeisthatmostpeoplewouldratherremain comfortablethanriskfinancialfailureorphysicalandpsychologicalpain.Thetruthisthatweallneedtotakerisks.
But howmuchriskshouldyoutake?And whenyoushouldtakeit?Thereisnoguaranteedcorrectanswer,butit's justasimportanttokeepi
nmindthatwhilepassionandcourageareessential,soareintelligence,wisdom,patience, andstrategy.Ifyouveertoofartoeithersideofthisspectrum,youcanendupflamingoutbeforeyou'vereached yourgoalorneverstretchingenoughtohavegreatopportunities.
Ifevertherewereaguestonthe 10,000NOspodcastwhomIwoulddeemarisk-taker,it'sAlisonLevine.Notonly wasshethecaptainofthefirstUSfemaleexpeditiontoclimbMountEverest,butshehascompletedtheadventure grandslam,whichentailsclimbingthehighestpeakoneverycontinent,andlivedtowriteaboutit(inher NewYork TimesBest-Sellingbook, OntheEdge:LeadershipLessonsfromMountEverest).Whatmakesherstoryevenmore remarkableisthatshewasfoundtohaveaholeinherheartasayoungster.Whileherentirelifeandcareerrevolves aroundrisk,shestillpreachessafetyandsensibilitywhilesimultaneouslypushingtheboundariesofhercapabilities.
“Yourplanisoutdatedassoonasit'sfinished.Soitisgoodtoplan'causethatcanhelpyougetontrackorstayon track,butyoucannotbehell-bentonstickingtothatplannomatterwhat.Youhavetoadjust,changeyour directionortakeactionbasedonthesituationatthetime.”
—AlisonLevine,MountainClimber,Speaker,Author
Aftertherollercoasterof2001,whenIproposedtomynow-wifeinlateAugustonlytofacethelossoffriendsand peaceinNewYorkCityonSeptember11,Iwascaston TheSopranosjustbeforethestartof2002.Gettingthatcall onDecember20,2001,was,andwillprobablyremain,themostdramatic“yes”Ihaveeverhadinthebusiness.This isnotonlyduetoitcomingontheheelsofthebiggesttragedyourcountryhaseverfacedor TheSopranos' placein culturalhistoryatthetime,butalsotomyrelativeyouth.Despitebeingthirtyyearsold,Istillpossessedanaive perspectiveonmycareer,fame,andlifeingeneral.WhileIcontinuetogetexcitedaboutjobstothisday,the excitementpalesincomparisontomilestoneslikewatchingthebirthsofmychildrenandothersignificantfamilial experiences.Also,atthispointIhavepeekedfarenoughbehindthecurtainofHollywoodtorealizethattheeffects ofbigwins,whilealwayswelcome,aremuchlessdramaticandlife-alteringthanIimaginedtheywouldbewhenI wasyounger.Theresultoflanding TheSopranoswasthat,havingweatheredthedepressingeventsof2001,2002
feltlikeanewbeginningforme.AftersevenyearssluggingitoutinNewYorkCity,Iwasfinallyabletotellstrangers
thatIwasanactorwithouthavingtoincludemyusualten-minutemonologuethatexplainedwhereIbartended, whereIwaitedtables,andwhereItookscene-studyclasses.Itfeltlikethestrugglewasover.
Thestruggle,itturnsout,was notover.Andyet,thisbreak wasbiganditdidhelpmeconsiderably.Butmystoryof getting TheSopranosisabouttherisksthatweretakentoputmeinthatauditionroominthefirstplace.
Afterfouryearsofcollegethathadpreparedmeforsomehigh-payingjobsinprofessionsIhadlittleinterestin, choosingtobeanactorwithoutgivingmyselfaPlanBisprobablythefirstriskItook.NotlongaftermovingtoNew York,IscoredabigbreakwhenafilminwhichIwascastastheleadturnedfromnon-uniontoSAG(ScreenActors Guild)becauseactorFrankVincent( RagingBull, Goodfellas,Casino)signedon.Upuntilthistime,noneofthe projectsIhadfoundin Backstagemagazinepaidmeordidanythingtoraisemyprofile.Butthisfilmturnedoutto bedifferent.Whileitdidn'tearnmeapenny, TheNorthEndhadafestivalrunthathelpedmovemeoutoftotal obscurityandintoasmallerpoolofactors.Inpost-production,whenthefilmmakerstoldmetheywereshorton cash,Iriskedmyreputationbygoingtomybrotherandhisfriends,whoownedandoperatedthesuccessful midtownbarthatI'dbeentending,askingforthemoneythatwasneededtofinishthefilm.
Theysteppedupandwecontributedalmost$20,000combined,including$2,000frommyownhard-earnedstash.
Ididnothavealotofmoneyatthistime.Iwaslivinginafifth-floorwalk-up,rent-stabilizedapartmentonthe UpperEastsideofManhattanandsupportingmyselfbybartendingandworkingthecounteratCaliforniaPizza Kitchen.
Raisingthismoneysolidifiedmyrelationshipwiththefilmmakers,whothentappedmetoplaytheleadintheir follow-upfilm,whichwouldbeshootinginItaly.IpaidformyselftotakeabusuptoBostonformultipletablereads oftheItalyfilmbeforeproductionwouldmovetoItalytobeginshooting.
Don'tTakeItPersonally,TakeItProfessionally
Asthatsecondfilmgotclosertoproduction,thefilmmakershiredcastingdirectorGeorgianneWalkentohelpthem findtheircast.Shewasnotawareofmyworkatthetime,butwhenthefilmmakerbrotherstoldherthatIwastheir choicetoplaythelead,shetalkedthemoutofit.Instead,sheconvincedthemtohireanactorshebelievedwasmore suitedtotherole.ThefilmwasmadeinItalywithoutme,andWalkenwasnotmyfavoriteperson.Shewasalso, however,thecastingdirectorfor TheSopranos,andintheyearsthatfollowedshebroughtmeintoauditionfor varioussmallpartsontheshow.WhileIwasnevercast,Iwasusuallycalledbacktoreadfortheproducers.
In2001,whentheauditioncameinforCousinBrian,amuchbiggerpartthanthepreviousrolesI'dauditionedfor ontheshow,Ireadthematerialandthought,“Icouldplaythisguy.”Theauditionmaterialconsistedofmostly financialjargonasmycharacterwasafinancialadvisor.Hewastaskedwithpitchinghiscousin'shusband,who happenedtobeTonySoprano,waysinwhichhecouldinvesthismoney.Manyofmyfriendsfromcollegeworkedon WallStreetandthemajorityofthecustomersI'dbeenslingingdrinksforatthebarspenttheirdaysonthestock exchange.ThisgavemetheconfidencethatIcouldhandlethelingoandlendcredencetothisrole.Ithentookmy nextrisk:ratherthanbartendthenightbeforemyinitialaudition,Igavemyshiftaway.Whilethismaynotsound likeabigsacrifice,atthetimethatwasworththreetofourhundreddollarsthatIcouldhaveputtowardmyrentand otherexpenses.
Giventhefactthat,statisticallyspeaking,Icouldgoinfor30to50auditionswithoutlandingajob,choosingtogive thatmoneyupfora chanceatscoringthisrole—Iwantedtobeasfreshaspossible—mightbeviewedasadumbrisk.
Howeveryouviewit,thatriskendeduppayingoffwhenthatinitialauditionimpressedWalkenenoughthatIwas senttotheproducerswithherchampioningmetogettherole.(Moreonthatlater,butIgotthegig.Eventually.) And2002 didendupbeingamonumentalyear:Ishotthemajorityofmyworkon TheSopranos,didmyfirst legitimateoff-Broadwayplay,andgotmarriedonlyeightdaysbeforeallofmyepisodesbegantoaironHBO.Itwas averyhighpeakamidacareerfullofvalleys,anditledtowhatI thoughtwasgoingtoturnintoatriumphant mountaintopin2003.
WhatGoesUpMustComeDown
Ifmy2003couldbeplacedonalinegraph,itwouldlooklikethebacksideofamountain,ahighpointfollowedbya sharpdrop-off.Myconfidenceandmomentumremainedsky-highthroughMarchandthen,byApril,plummetedto alowthatrivaledthatofearly2001.Duetotherunoftheoff-Broadwayplayin2002,whichbeganrehearsingjust beforeourwedding,mywifeandIpostponedourhoneymoontoHawaiiuntilJanuary2003.So,despitethatsmall sacrifice,webeganthenewyearinluxury,countingtheblessingsofthepreviousyear,excitedaboutthebigriskwe wereabouttotake—relocatingtoLosAngelessoIcouldbethereformyfirstpilotseason.Thatprovedtobea huge swingandamiss.
Thecombinationofhavingjustgottenmarriedandmywifenotbeingpassionateabouthercareerinadsales promptedmetoconvincehertoquitherjobandcomewithmetoLosAngelesforafewmonths.Iwasridinghigh offof TheSopranos,havingreceivedalotofattentionforitonthestreetsofNewYork.MyagentsandIbelieved thatitwastimeto“strikewhiletheironwashot.”So,afterourhoneymoon,weillegallysubletourrentalapartment inNewYorkandtookonasubleasefromoneofmyhighschoolfriendswhowaslookingtounloadherplaceinLA.
Itwasnotexactlyglamorous,butthepalmtreesmadeupforitand,mostimportantly,Iwantedtoberightint
he mixastheybegantocastallofthefollowingseason'sseriesnowthatmycareerseemedtobeontrack.
Pilotseason2003beganwithafrenzy.NeverbeforehadIreceivedsomuchattentionorhadasmanyshotsat potentialgigs.EverywhereIwentIfeltlikeacelebrity.IrememberdrivingtoBurbankforameetingwithallthe
SVPsofcastingatNBCandhavingthemgushovermetothepointwhereoneofthemsaid,“OhmyGod,Cousin Brian!You havetosignaheadshotfortheguywhocutsourpromovideos!He lovesyou!”IfiguredIwasgoingto havetofightpotentialemployersoffwithastickduetoallthedemandonme.Afterall,they lovedme…right?
Februaryflewby,MarchcontinuedthefrenzybutitslowlybegantogrindtoahaltsothatbyApril,notonlydidI not haveajob,Ihadnottestedforanypilots.Inlayman'sterms,nottestingmeansIneverreallycametooclose.The nearestIcametolandinganactualjobwaswhenIwascalledbackforwhat'sknownasa“mix-and-matchsession”
fora“highlyanticipatedseries.”EventhoughIwasneverapartofit,thatseries,muchlikemypilotseason,ended upbeingabustanyway.
BythemiddleofApril,wehadrifledthroughmoreweddingmoneythanIwouldliketoadmit,despitebeingfrugal.
WhileIdesperatelyhopedformoreopportunities,Iwaspainfullyawarethatthisriskwasnotgoingtoworkoutthe wayIhadimaginedit.Andwhilethereisnosilverliningattheendofthisparticularsegmentofmylife,andIwas destinedtoreturntoNewYorkCitywithmytailbetweenmylegs,thereisatleastasmallbutworthystoryaboutrisk thatIcansharewithyou.
Free-fallin'
Knowingthatpilotseasonwasessentiallyover,wewentdowntoCoronadotovisitmycollegefriendwhowasaNavy SEALandstationedthere.Afterspendingtheweekendwithalargegroupthatconsistedofmybuddyandhiselite friends,oneoftheminvitedmywifeandmetoaDodgersgamethefollowingTuesdayinLA,wherehe'dbe parachutingintoDodgerStadiumbeforethegame.