Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs

by vHow to Overcome Rejection on the Way to Your YES (pdf)

  OneofmymostrewardingexperiencesasanactorcameundertheguidanceofshowrunneranddirectorLawrence Trilling,who,whendirecting,operatesinthesameveinasLumet.Ononeofmyfirstdaysonsetfor Goliath,Itold TrillingIhadanideaIwantedtotryasIenteredthescene,whichtookplaceonabasketballcourt.Hesaid,“Show me.IfIneedtopullyouback,Iwill.”Whilethismaysoundlikealackofdirectionandcommunication,formeitwas theopposite.ThemessageIreceivedwas: Itrustyou.That'swhyIhiredyou.Iwantyourideas,butIamalsohere toguideyouifthoseideastakeusawayfrommyoverallvision.WhenIremindedhimofthismomentduringour conversationon 10,000NOs,Trillingexplainedthathisopennessinhisdirectingstylewasnotareflectionofhim being nice.

  “Idohaveanego.IcareaboutdoinggreatworkandIwantthegreatworktoreflectwellonme,likeanybody.I'm definitelyinthe‘BestIdeaWins’business,butIalsoliketobetheonewhoisthefilterthroughwhichtheideas pass,sothat'sego,too.Istillgettodecide.”

  —LawrenceTrilling,Director/Producer

  MuchlikeLumet,Trillingwasnotonlythiswaywithhisactors.Thehairandmakeupdepartmentheadson Goliath drasticallyimprovedmyperformancewiththeircontributionstoit.WhenIremarkedhowspecifictheywereand howmuchtheyhelpedme,theycreditedTrilling'sdirectingstyle.Theysaidhewasoneoftheirfavoritedirectors whenitcametocollaborationbecausehistrustinthemwasmatchedbyhisabilitytoexplainexactlywhatheneeded inanygivencircumstance.Buthisspecificitydidnothandcuffthem.Hedidn'ttellthem howtodotheirjob.

  Instead,hetrustedthatwhenhetoldthem whatheneeded,theywouldusetheiruniquetalentsandskillstodeliver itinawaythatwasfarbetterthanhecouldhaveimaginedhimself.

  Accountability

  Whetheritisthemostpowerfulstaronasetorawell-knowndirector,whenamoviestrikesachordwithaudiences andbecomesaboxofficesmash,thepersonwiththelargestreputationormostpowerisgenerallyperceivedasthe hero.Andwhenamoviebombsattheboxoffice,thatsamepersonisusuallytheonewhoendsupvilifiedand blamedforthefailure.Trueleaderstakeboththegoodandthebadwithdignity.Indoingso,theygaintherespectof theirfollowers,employees,teammates,orfamilymembers.

  “Whenyou'resittingonthedoctor'sexaminingtablewithwireshangingoffyou,beingtestedforsignsofaheart attack,noneofthatmatters.Badpartners,lazyemployees,andneedyclientsdidn'tlandmeinfrontofadoctor—I did.Itwas myfault.”

  —BedrosKeuilian,Author, ManUp

  WhenIhelpedChrisMessinabehindthescenesonhisdirectorialdebut, AlexofVenice,Iwasprivytothesage advicehiswife,JenniferTodd,gavehim.Toddisaprolificproducer,andalsoaguestof 10,000NOspodcast,whois consideredamongtheeliteinHollywood.SheknewthatMessinawouldbeextremelypreparedandknowwhathe wanted,butsheadvisedhimtobeopentogreatideasregardlessofwheretheycamefrom.Shesaidthat,inworking withfirst-timedirectors,shehadobservedsomeofthemfailtotakegreatideasfromsomeonewithalessprestigious titleonsetforfearofappearingweakinfrontofcastandcrew.TheydidnotknowwhatToddknew,thatthereisa systemofaccountabilitythatcouldnotbeavoidedonafilm.Sheexplained,“Takegreatideas,eveniftheycome fromaproductionassistant(alow-statuspositiononaset),becausebythetimethefilmcomesout,it'sthedirector whowillgetthecredit.Butdon'tfeelbadaboutthatbecause,ifthefilmfails,you'lltake alltheblameforeveryone ofthoseideas,too.”

  Humility:Next-LevelLeadership

  Whilehumilityistiedtoservice,itisworthpointingoutthatsomeleadersusetheabovethreetenetsandthen transcendevenothertopleadersbyexhibitingampleamountsofhumility.Itisdifficultformetohaveachapteron leadershipandnotincludeashortstoryaboutmyfriendChrisBurns.I'vewrittenaboutBurnsinthesepagesearlier; hehasnotjustbeeneliteinonefield,buttwo:asaUSNavySEALandnowatraumasurgeon.Hecametovisitme andmyfamilyinLosAngeleslastyearonhiswaytoamedicalconvention.Afterarunonthebeach,wesatinthe sandandreminiscedaboutthepast.Aswesiftedthroughourgreatesthits,laughingandalsohittingsomedeeper topics,Imadeanonchalantremarkaboutmycollegelacrossecoach.“Ican'tbelieveMoycutyou.Imean,youwerea NavySEALforGod'ssake!Howcouldyounothavemadethatteam?YouwerecertainlyabetterathletethanIwas.”

  Burnslookedatme,notsureifheshoulddivulgeasecrethe'dbeenkeepingforalmost30years.

  Finally,hesaid,“Youknow,Iactuallydidn'tgetcut.CoachtoldmeIhadmadetheteam,butIhadtolethimknow thatI'dmissalotofpracticesandevensomegamesbecauseofmyROTCcommitment.”Hehadtomakeachoice andhisNavyscholarshiptookprecedentoverplayinglacrosse.Butatthetime,whensomeofourotherfriendswho hadn'tmadetheteamannouncedtotherestofusthattheyandBurnshadbeencut,hechosenottoshamethemby explainingwhathadreallyhappenedwithhim.Instead,heremainedsilent.

  For30years,heallowedallofustothinkhehadbeencutforlackofabilityeventhoughthatwasn'tthecase.

  Reflectingonthatstory,itisnotshockingtoseehowtherestofhislifehasplayedoutsincethen.Atrueleader,like Burns,inspiresotherstoacthonorablyandwithhumility.Ourworldmightbeinbettershapeifthereweremore leaderslikethatandfewerthatfallbackonchest-thumpingandmakingothersfeelworseaboutthemselves.

  Delegating:TheArtofGettingHelp

  Inmycareer,myawarenessofmyownpotentialtoleadeludedmeforalongtime.Inkeepingwiththeideaof accountabilityIdescribedatthebeginningofthischapter,Iknewtherewasnoonetoblamemorethanmeformy careerbeinginaplacewhereIfeltcompelledtostartapodcastcalled 10,000NOsatage45ratherthancollecting OscarsandEmmyAwards.IwasfinallybroughttothepointwhereIwasforcedtoconfrontmyownshortcomings andhowtheycontributedtothewidegapIsawbetweenwhereI wantedmycareertobeandwhereitactually resided.WhatIlearnedwasthatpossiblythebiggestculpritinmynotbeingwhereIwantedtobewasmylackof self-leadership.Specifically,itwasinhowIrelatedtomyrepresentatives.WhileIhadheardtheoverusedadagethat

  “youdon'tworkforyouragents,theyworkforyou”manytimesover,Iwasnotfully actingonit.ItwasnotuntilI feltthefinancialcrunchonmyfamilythatresultedfrommylackofleadershipthatIgotseriousandspecificabout howIwantedmyrepresentativestohelpmycause.

  “ThenIstartedrealizing,andthisisnofaulttothepeopleIwasworkingwith,theyhadtheirjobs…Myjobwasto bethevisionary,toseearoundthecorner.AndIhadavisioninmyhead,oftheshow,thattheydidn'tknow becausemaybeIwasn'tclearwiththem.”

  —StevenKane,Creator/Director/Producer, TheLastShip

  Myrelationshipwithmymanagersandagentshasalwaysbeengoodonapersonallevel,butasabusinessowner andoperator,whichishowI'vecometoseemyselfinshowbusinessinadditiontobeinganartist,Iwasleavingway toomuchuptochance.Iwasn'tusingtheaforementionedtenetsofleadershiptosqueezethemostoutofthese incredibleresources,whohadrelationshipswithsomanypeoplewhocouldemploymebecausetheyinteractedwith themthroughtheirotherclients'businessaffairs.Iwastoopassivewhenitcametoourinteractions.Ironicallyfor anactorknowntobea“talker”byhisfamilyandfriends,aswellasagoodlistener,mybiggestfailurewasinthe communicationportionofleadership.IknewwhatIwantedandIwaswillingtogivebloodinserviceofit.Iwasalso willingtotaketheblamewhenthingsdidn'tturnoutthewayIwishedtheywould.ButIwasnotcommunicatingmy desiresclearlyenough.

  PartofmylackofcommunicationwithmyrepresentativesstemmedfromalackofclarityastowhatIwanted specificallyandadesiretobelikedandnot“rocktheboat.”I'lldiveintothosemorelater,butfornow,partofmy failureinthisareacamefrommymistakenlyassuming
thatmyrepswouldbebotheredif,forexample,theyhustled togetmeanauditiononlytohavemepassonit.Luckily,mytightfriendshipwithChrisMessina,whohandlesthis aspectofhiscareerbetterthanmost,gavemeinsightonwhatIwasfailingtodo.WhenIfinallytookmyrepsoutto lunchtoexplainexactlywhatIneededandwhatIwaswillingtodoand notdotoreachmygoals,theywerebeyond excited.Inretrospect,theideathattheywouldbebotheredbymydesiretopassonsmallerjobsinpursuitoflarger onesisinsane.Theymaketheirlivingoffofpercentagesoftheincomesoftheartiststheyrepresent,sothebetterI do,thebettertheydo.Thatsaid,ournewmissionstatement,whileexciting,alsobroughtaboutmanynew challengesandopportunitiesformoreleadership.

  Muchlikethehystericalyetanxiety-inducingopeningto JerryMaguire,whereonelatenightJerrydraftsamission statementtohisentirecompanyurgingthemtocarelessaboutmoneyandmoreaboutcompassionandpersonal relationships,theexcitementofmynewmandatetomyrepresentativesquicklytranslatedintoamassiveslowdown inactivity.Bychoosingtogiveoutsomeofmyown“no”stomypileof10,000,Iwaschoosingtohavesignificantly feweropportunities.ThiscreatedmanysituationswheremyteamandIwereconfrontedwiththechoiceofgivingin totheneedofimmediatefinancialrelief,bygoinginforsmallergigsthatwerenotveryartisticallyorfinancially rewarding,orpassingandholdingoutforgigsmorealignedwithourhighestviewofmycareer.Withveryfew exceptionsindiresituations,weremainedtruetoourvisionanditshiftedmycareerdrasticallyinthedirectionI waslookingtotakeit.

  “YoucanloseyourTwitteraccount.Youcanloseyourwebsite,youcanloseyouremaillist,butifyouhaveyour relationships,you'regonnabejustfineeventhoughyoudon'tnecessarilybelieveit.”

  —JordanHarbinger,TopPodcaster/Speaker, TheArtofCharm,TheJordanHarbingerShow Whilemylunchwithmyrepresentativespredatedthelaunchof 10,000NOs,itisnocoincidencethatmycareer's mostdramaticprogresshasoverlappedwithalloftheconversationsIhavebeenluckyenoughtohaveasaresultof thepodcast.ComingfacetofacewithpeoplewhohavedonethethingsIhadreadaboutforyearsinbusinessand self-developmentbooksprovedtocontaintheleadershiplessonsthatIneeded.Whenthingsfeltoverwhelmingor impossible,IcoulddrawonastorytoldtomebyAlisonLevine,whowillinglyputherlifeonthelinetoclimbMount Everestandthehighestpeaksonallsevencontinentsdespitebeingbornwithaholeinherheart.Likewise,cancer survivorslikeElissaGoodmanandPaigeDavis,orRobWhitaker,wholosthisbattlewithcancerafterour conversation,havetaughtmethatcourageousdecisionsthatcomealongwithleadershiphavetobemadeeven under—especiallyunder—theworstofcircumstances.

  Whilethecircumstancesofagruelingseasonoftelevisioncannotreallycomparetothoseofcancersurvivorsor mountainclimbers,theydoprovideaglimpseintotheeffectsofagreatleader'sabilitytomakeaworkenvironment welcomingandproductive.Conversely,theycanshowushowaterribleleadercanmakeaworkplaceintolerable.

  WhileIwillnotnamenamesexemplifyingthelatter,Ihaveworkedonsetsthatweremiserablebecausetheperson withthemostpowersetapoorexampleofcomplaining,phoningintheirperformance,treatingothersonthecast andcrewwithnorespect,andbeingmoreinterestedingoinghomethanactuallydoingtheworkforwhichtheywere beingpaidexorbitantamountsofmoney.Luckily,though,Ihavebeenveryfortunatetohaveworkedwithsome greatactorswhoalsohappentobegreathumanbeings.Thosegreatleadersmotivateeveryonearoundthemto striveandtreateveryonearoundthemwithdignity.

  OnfilmandTVproductions,acallsheetcontainsalloftheinformationeverycastandcrewmemberneedstoknow forthefollowingday'swork.Itincludesthelocation,thescenesthatneedtobeshot,andeachmemberofthecast andcrewrequiredtobepresent,aswellasthetimetheyneedtoshowuptowork(calltime).Eachcastmemberis assignedanumber,bywhichtheyareidentifiedthroughouttheproduction,tosimplifytheinstructionsfromthe producersandshieldthemfromhavingtowriteoutthefullnameofeveryactorworkingineachscene.Theactor whoislistedasnumberoneonthecallsheet,theleadroleonafilmorTVshow,isgenerallythepersonwhosetsthe toneonaproduction,particularlyintelevision,wherethedirectorsareoftenguestsinvitedtodirectanepisodeor twoandthenbeontheirway.Producersandshowrunnersareobviouslyhugeforcesaswell,buttheactorismore visibleandthus,usuallymoreinfluentialtothevibeofaset.

  Fansof Scandaloftenaskmewhatitwasliketoworkonthatset.IalwaysrespondthatIhaveneverseenagroupof actorscollectivelymoreexcitedandgratefulfortheirjobsthanIsawonthatset.Theyclappedandcheeredforevery guestactorwhowasannouncedattheirweeklytablereads.Ineverheardanycomplaintsaboutthelonghours.

  Peopleweregenuinelyexcitedtobethere,evenaftershootingoveronehundredepisodes.WhileShondaRhimes deservesthecreditforassemblingsuchanicegroupofteamplayers,KerryWashington'stemperamentiswhatset thetone.Shewasalwaysprepared,engaged,kindtothosearoundher,andwelcoming.Therewasaneaseandgrace thatleteveryoneonsetknowthatthiswasthewayinwhichwetreatpeople,andourwork,aroundhere.

  BigStarDoesNotMeanOversizedEgo

  ThefirstdayIworkedwithJimmySmitson TheWestWing,Irememberourvanridebacktoourtrailers.Asasign ofrespect,thebiggeststarisgenerallyassumedtotaketheshotgunposition,givingthemthemostspace.Smits,who wasfarhigheronthecallsheetthananyoftherestofuswhowerepackedintothevan,hadjammedhissix-foot, four-inchframeintothebackrow,makingroomforotherstopilein.Whenthevanstoppedathistrailerfirstto drophimoff,ratherthanmakeeveryonemove,hesaid,“I'mfine”andproceededtoclimboverthebackseatand hopoutoftherearofthevan.Iinstantlylovedtheguyforhishumility.WhatIadmiredevenmoreasIgottoknow himoverthefollowingyear,workinglonghourswithhim,wasthatthispersonawasnotsomepublicitystuntto makehimappeartobeamanofthepeople.Thatwasjusthisessence.Smitsdidnotsacrificehisworkinordertobe liked.JamesGandolfinihadasimilarapproachon TheSopranos:whenitcametimetoworktherewasalaserfocus.

  Bothweregood,kindmenwhowereverygenerousandhelpfultomeasayoungactor.Buttheywerenotbeingnice tometowinmyfavor.Theywereleaders,inspiringmetoapproachmyworkwithasmuchintensityastheydid.

  Theyalsotreatedeveryoneonthecastandcrewwithasmuchrespectastheyshowedeachdirector.Inmyopinion, theirleadershipandhumilityisatleastpartiallyresponsibleforthesuccessofthoseshows.

  IhaveexamplesofthegenerosityofstarsI'veworkedwiththatcouldfillanotherbook.Thepointofbringingup thesestoriesisthecontextof whentheseindividualsdisplayedsuchvirtue.Televisionandfilmshootscanstretch outforalongtime.Whilethechallengecanbetheacting,Ithinkmoreofthechallengeisbeingcameraready, knowingthatmillionsofpeoplewilleventuallybeabletoseeone'sfacethrougheternity.Actorshavetobecamera readyevenat3a.m.attheendofalongweekofshooting,whenFridaynighthasbecomeSaturdaymorning, affectionatelyknowninthebusinessasFraturday.Theseleadersexhibitedthatkindofdisciplineandrespecteven whentheywerefrazzledandexhausted.Yes,ReeseWitherspoonimpressedmewhenshewentaroundthetableand shookhands,introducingherselftoeverysinglepersonpresentatourfirsttablereadfor HotPursuit.Butwhat endearedhertomeevenmoreiswhen,monthsafterwewrapped,IwaswalkingdownaLosAngelessidewalkwhen anSUVwithtintedwindowswhizzedpastme.Witherspoon'sheadpoppedoutandsheyelled,“Matt!”Shedidn't havetodothat,butitmademefeelvalued.That'sjustoneoftheleadershipqualitiesthatpointstowhyshemakes millionsofdollarsandisbelovedbysomany.Sherecognizesthatrelationshipsarewhatisimportantandtheydon't end,orhavetoend,justbecausewe'vefinishedshooting.Sheisaleader.

  Leaderscomeinallshapes,sizes,a
ndstyles.Somemaybeboisterous,intenselygettinginyourfaceandscreaming, whileothersarequiet,pullingtheirteammatesasidetogivethemgentlecounsel.Eitherway,thebestleadersservea commongoal,whetheritistomakethebestfilm,bethebestteam,orbuildthebestcompany.Practicingwhatthey preachisaprerequisiteforgreatleaders,asanyonewithchildrenknows:theywilldowhatyou do,notwhatyou say.

  Whereveryouareonthespectrumofleadership,youcanincreaseyourskillsbybeingdecisiveyetrespectfuland boldyethumble.

  TopThreeTakeaways

  1. Theprimaryaspectofleadershipisservicetothegreatergood.

  2. Thebestwaytolearnhowtobeagreatleaderistosurroundyourselfwithgreatleadersandlearnfrom theirways.

  3. Leadbyexample.Peoplewilldowhatyou do,notwhatyou say.

  CHAPTER11

  MeditationandRelaxation

  “Ijustloveit.It'slikeawashingmachineforyourbrain.It'sbeautiful.It'sgraceful.It'sexciting.It'sdelicious.It's oneofthegreatsoundsofalltimeto be,andtohearthatwaterrushbyyou,eitherinaboatorstandinginit.”