Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs
Page 15
Regardlessofyourfield,orwhataspectofyourlifeyouaredissecting,self-beliefandbeliefinothersaroundyouis imperative.Doeverythingyoucantocultivateitandwitheachsmallvictoryyou'llbeonyourwaytounlockinga moreconfidentversionofyourself.SomeofyoumayviewthisinreligioustermsandlooktoGodforyourstrength.
Othersmayviewitinthesenseofputtingfaithintheuniverse.Stillotherswillviewitmorepragmatically,basedon tangible,measurableaccomplishments.Regardlessofthesemanticsyouuse,beliefandfaithcomefromgratitude forwhatyouhavenowandwhatyouwilleventuallygainonyourown.
TopThreeTakeaways
1. Makeagratitudelistofthingsandpeopleyourelyonthatarealreadyinyourlifetobuildyourbeliefthat theworldaroundyouwillsupportyou.
2. Askyourself,“Whynotme?”Then,whenyou dogettheresultsyouwereafter,besuretologthemsoyou candrawupontheminthefuture.
3. Beliefandfaithmaynotgetyouthroughyourcurrentstruggle,butbyhavingthem,attheveryleastyou leaveaninspiringlegacybehind.
CHAPTER13
TheSubconscious
“Whileyourconsciousmindisfivehorsespullingyouinonedirection,withoutyourknowingit,your subconsciousislikeninety-ninehorsespullingyoutheexactoppositeway.”
— ZanderFryer,CEO/Founder,
Sh*tYouDon'tLearninCollege
CarlJungisfamousforhisworkwiththesubconscious.AccordingtoJung,ourconsciousmindislikeatinycork bobbingintheseaofoursubconscious.Ifyoubuyintothatimage,youbegintounderstandthatgiganticforcesfrom withinyou,ofwhichyouarenotfullyaware,areswayingyourdecisionseveryday.
Dreamwork
MyinteractionswithJung'sworkhavecomemostlythroughmystudyofactingwithcoachKimGillinghamandher protégéAmandaLovejoyStreet.Theworkwehavedonetogetheriscommonlyreferredtoas“dreamwork”or“mat work,”becausealotofitisdonefromayogamat,manytimeswiththestudentlyingonhisorherback.
Ifinditnoteworthythatmuchofdreamworkisdonewiththesubjectonthefloor.Inmanyways,thisworkisthe oppositeofgrinding.Toenvisionthedifferenceintheapproach,considerthequotethatbeginsthischapterfrom past 10,000NOspodcastguestZanderFryer.Hesaidthistomewhenwebeganourworkwithmysubconscious aroundtheareaofself-belief.Tountanglethismostlymysteriousknotofthoughts,feelings,andemotions,the practiceofdreamworkdoesnotcomeatithead-on.Instead,thesubconsciousissummonedbeforebedtimewith somethinglikethisinajournalthatiskeptatyourbedside:
DearInnerSelf,
Ifitisyourwill,pleaserevealtomeinmydreamstonighttheessenceofwhatyouwantmetoknowaboutthis project.Illuminatemewithyourcreativewill.HelpmetoseehowIcancomeclosertoyouthroughthis creativework.
And/or…pleaserevealtomehowmyownstruggleisthesameasthestruggleofthecharacter.
Withmyrespectandlove,
Me
ThisparticularverbiagewasgiventomebyAmandaLovejoyStreetaswewerepreparingformyroleon Goliath.The beautyofitisitcanbetailoredtowhateveryoursituationis,regardlessofwhatyoudoforaliving.
Thenextstepistogotosleepandwhenyouwakeupafteradream,immediatelyscribbledownanydetailsfrom yourdreamwhiletryingnottowakeupcompletely.Thesedetailsdonotneedtomakesenseasyouwritethem down.Whenyougotodothematwork,youarehelpedintoameditativestateandbegintomakeassociationswith variousaspectsofyourdream.
“Whydidthisrole,thisscript,thisprojecthurtlethroughtheuniverseandlandonyourlaprightnow?Whatare yougoingthroughrightnowthatcaninformyourcharacter?Andwhatcanthischaracter,andthisstory,teach youaboutwhatyou'restrugglingwith?”
—KimGillingham,ActingCoach
Theideaisthatyoursubconsciousisconstantlyworkingoutstrugglesunderneaththesurfaceunbeknownsttoyou.
Everynight,thesubconsciousproducesashow,whichwecalladream.Andinrepresentingthevariousaspectsof yourwholeself,thesubconsciouswillcastpeoplefromyourlifethatmightincludefriends,relatives,celebrities,or evenpets.These“players”willthenpresent“theshow”toyouandyou'llwakeupsayingyouhadadream.The philosophyofJung,andhisstudentslikeGillinghamandStreet,isthatthesedreamscanbestudiedandinterpreted sothattheycanbeharnessedinawaythatcan helpus,ratherthan pushusthroughourliveslikepawnsonagiant chessboard.
AHollywoodNightmareofSelf-Sabotage
Ifthisissoundingtoomuchlikeamysticalsci-fimovieforyoutohandle,simplyaskyourselfifyou'veeverdone somethingthat,whileyouwereinthemidstofit,youknewwasgoingagainstwhatyouwantedconsciously.Ihave myownincrediblyembarrassingstoryinvolvingfour-timeAcademyAward–nominatedactorEthanHawke.It happenedonmyfirstdayofhis2001directorialdebut, ChelseaWalls.Tosetthestage,youneedtoknowwhereI wasinmycareerandjusthowmuchthisgigmeanttometofullyunderstandthisstory'srankingonthecringe meter.Itwaspre- Sopranosforme,backinthedayofbartendinganddoingblack-boxtheaterforfree,livinginmy rent-stabilizedfifth-floorwalk-upapartment.IgotacallfromaguywithwhomIhadgonetopreschoolbutthen mostlyfallenoutoftouch.Wehadreconnectedthroughsomemutualfriendsanditturnedouthewasnowworking forEthanHawke.Severalmonthsafterreconnecting,hereachedouttomesayinghewasworkingwithHawkeon
hisdirectorialdebutandtherewasaroleforwhichImightbeappropriate.
Theterms“hurryupandwait”and“feastorfamine”arenotanexaggerationwhenitcomestoalifeinshow business.Thetimebetweenreceivingmyfriend'scallwhileIwassittingatmydeskontheUpperEastSideand arrivinginacastingoffice'swaitingroomdowntownwasprobablyjustoveranhour.Thelackofpreptimecalledfor quickandinstinctivechoicestobemade.Therolewasnotextensive,butthereweretwoscenesinwhichIsawsome opportunityforalittlegroundedhumorandlevity.Iwasauditioningtoplayarookiecopwho,alongwithhissenior partner,iscalledtothesceneofasuicideintheChelseaHotel.Otherthantheactualmaterial,thesimultaneous excitementandstressIpossessedcamefromthefactthatI'dbeauditioningforHawkehimself,anactorwhoIhad beenimpressedwithsinceIsawhisperformancein DeadPoetsSocietywhenIwasinhighschool.
UnlikeanyotherauditionI'dhadbeforeorhavehadsince,Ineverwentintothisparticularauditionroomalone.I waspairedwithanotheractorwho,itturnedout,wasaretiredpolicedetectivefromLongIsland.Weweretoldwe'd beauditioningtogether,sowelookedthroughthescene,readingitaloudinthewaitingroomonceortwice,before goingin.Hawkecouldn'thavebeenkinder,andbeforeweevenreadthescene,hischarmandlackofpretensetook awayanyofthetensioncausedbyhisfame.Wereadthroughthelongerofthetwoscenes,andwhenwehad finished,Hawkejumpedtohisfeetandhigh-fivedbothofus,saying,“Thatwasfantastic!”MyscenepartnerandI leftthebuildingtogetherand,despitemybeingsignificantlyyoungerthanhim,myfiveyearsofexperiencemademe theveteran.Sowhenheaskedmythoughts,Ishrugged,“Anythingcanhappen…butI'veneverhadadirectorjump upandhigh-fivemeintheroom.”Webothgotthegigshortlythereafter.
“So,bythetimehecalledmebacklast,I'llneverforget,Ijustfeltsointimidated,Ijustwaslike,‘Ohmygosh,this manthatIconversedwithsoeasilyonceuponatime,he'stheGodfatheroffilm!WhatdoIsay?I'mnotgood enoughtotalktohim.’I'mtheonewhopulledawayfromthat.Andthenhediedafewmonthslater.”
—SarahShahi,Actor,onsabotagingherfriendshipwithhermentor,RobertAltman Giventhecircumstancesandmyexcitementoverscoringthisrole,it'shardtoimaginetheself-inducednightmare thatensuedonmyfirstdayoffilming.Itactuallymakesmetensetoevenrecallthisstory20yearslater.Isetmy alarmearlydespitear
elativelylatemid-morningcalltime.Poppingoutofbed,Irantomygymsevenblocksaway foragoodworkouttogetmybloodmovingandshakeoutanynerves.Aftertheworkout,Ireturnedhomeand cookedaheartyenoughbreakfastthatIwouldn'tbestarvingonset.Ishoweredandheadedtowardthesubway.If you'velivedinManhattanforanyamountoftime,youknowthatsubwaysarerelativelyreliable,butalsoproneto delays.Thisdaywasoneofthosedelaydays.Istoodonthecrowdedplatform,waitingformytrain.Witheach minutethatpassed,Icalculatedtheriskoftrudgingbackuptothefreezingcoldstreettohailacab.Thatcouldbea battleofitsown,togetacabandthentofighttraffictoChelseafromtheUpperEastSide.Thesubway,onceitcame, usuallydeliveredyoutoyourdestinationwithmorespeedthanacab.Mydecisiontostayontheplatformwasfullof anxiety,evenaftermytrainarrived,asIknewIwouldneedtotransfertoabustogettotheWestSideonceImadeit downto23rdStreet.
BythetimeImadeitto23rdStreet,IwassolatethatIknewIneededtohailacabratherthanwaitforacrosstown bus.Iranupthesubwaystairsinapanic,skippingtwostepsatatime.Ihustledouttothestreetandjostledmyway intoanopentaxi,urgingthedrivertogetmetotheChelseaHotelasquicklyaspossible.Ifyou'veeverhada nightmarewhereyouneededtogettoanimportantmeetingbutsomehowcouldn'tmove,thiswastheliving embodimentofit.Trafficwasgridlockedtothepointwhere,afterseveralblocksIoverpaidthedriverandjumped outtosprinttheremainingdistance.
WhenIarrivedinthehotellobby,aproductionassistantpointedmetowhereIwaitedforwhatseemedlikeeternity forthearchaicelevatortoarriveandbringmetotheappropriatefloor.Whenthedoorfinallyopened,Iwasfaced withmyworstfear:Hawkewasinthehallway,blockingmyscenewiththeotheractor.“Dude!Where'veyoubeen?!”
Becausehe'saniceguy,hedidn'tripmyheadoff,asI'msurehewantedto,butIwasmortified.Notwantingtoslow thingsdownanymorethanIalreadyhad,Ijumpedrightinanddidmypart.Histhen-wife,UmaThurman,wasalso thereasshewasoneoftheleadsinthefilm,furthercompoundingtheheightenednightmarishqualityofthe experience.She,too,wasinexplicablykindtomeandhelpedtoquellmyembarrassment.But,asJuliusCaesarsaid whenheledhisarmyacrosstheRubiconRiverintoNorthernItaly,“Aleaiactaest”:thediehasbeencast.Iwaspast thepointofnoreturn…Ihadscrewedup.
Ultimately,the ChelseaWallsshootturnedoutto notbethedisastrousexperienceIfearedthatday.Thurman provedtoberightwhenshesaid,“Don'tworry,we'renotshootingthisforafewmorehours.”Bythetimewe did shootthescene,aswellasmysecondday'swork,HawkewashappywithwhatIdid.Wehadalaughovermygaffeat thewrapparty,whichwasarelief,butIhaveyettoworkwithhimagain.Alongwithbringingbackanervousfeeling whenIretellit,thisstoryhasalwaysstuckwithmebecauseitwassooutofcharacterwithhowIconductmyself professionallyandwhatIexpectofmyself.Isuspectthatpeopleonthatset,iftheyevennoticed,assumedIoverslept orpartiedthenightbefore,andthatmymistakewastheresultofmebeingalazy,recklessactor.Instead,Iwasan actorwhocared somuchthathetriedtodotoomanythingstopreparehimselfandendedupshootinghimselfin thefootalongtheway.
Lookingback,though,Isuspectmysubconsciouswasatplay.Perhaps,onsomelevel,itwasafearofsuccess.While thissoundsstrange,maybeIdidn'tthinkIwasready.Oritcouldhavebeenfearoffailure;knowingthatmylast-minuteauditionwasparticularlyinstinctive,maybeIwasworriedIcouldn'treproducethesamemagicthatinduced ahigh-fiveintheauditionroom.ButwhatIreallysuspectwasatplay,becauseitstilllingerswithinmefromtimeto timeevennow,isthatmyactionsthatdayweretheresultofanunderlyingresentmenttowardmyowndesiretobe likedandvaluedbymybusiness.Ontheonehand,IwasecstaticthatsomeonelikeHawkewasnotonlyawareofmy
existence,butvaluedmytalent.Ontheotherhand,Iwassomeonewhohadgonethroughthefirsttwenty-something yearsofmylife,priortomyactingcareer,withafairamountofsuccess.Now,evenwhenthingswentwell,a significantpartofmethatIwasn'tevenawareofwastryingtosabotagemyeffortsbyessentiallysaying,“Youdon't needtojumpthroughhoopsforthisguy.Doyourdailyworkout,eatyourbreakfast,takecareofthingstheway you knowhowtotakecareofthem…and thengodowhatthisEthanguyasksofyou.”
It'sincrediblyillogicalandself-sabotaging,butthiskindofinconsistencyexistsinallofus.Thereisapowerstruggle betweenallofthesedifferentpartsofourselveswhoarevyingforcenterstage.Butbecausethiswarisbeingwaged onabattlegroundthatwedon'tevenknowexists,itsrepercussionsknockusoffourcoursedespiteanexorbitant amountofeffort.
Hopefully,youhaven'tscrewedupasobviouslyasIdidthatday,butlookforpatternsinyourpastwhereyou've followedaleapforwardbytakingtwounnecessarilydumbstepsbackward.Twoofmypast 10,000NOsguests, BedrosKeuilianandSuzyBatiz,bothofwhomhadverybumpyridespriortotheirmassivesuccess,pointedmeto oneoftheirmentors,whomayaswellhavebeendescribingmycuriousactionsthemorningIwalkedontoHawke's setwhenhewrotethefollowinginhisbook:
“Eachofushasaninnerthermostatsettingthatdetermineshowmuchlove,success,andcreativityweallow ourselvestoenjoy.Whenweexceedourinnerthermostatsetting,wewilloftendosomethingtosabotage ourselves,causingustodropbackintotheold,familiarzonewherewefeelsecure.”
—GayHendricks,TheBigLeap
Thisbookaboutmy10,000“no”sisnotaboutthesubconsciousinparticular,soIdonotconsiderthistinymention ofittobesufficientforyou.Buthopefullyitwillspuryoutoseekoutsomeonewhocanguideyouintherealmof yoursubconscious,ifyouarenotalreadydoingso.Ifyoupickedupthisbook,youarelikelyinterestedingetting somewhereandhopingthatsomecluesherewillgetyoutheremoreeasilyandefficiently.I'dhatetoseeyou strugglesohardwithintensityandeffortwhileleavingoutthishugepieceofthepuzzle.Whetherit'sbyfinding someonelikeKimGillinghamorAmandaLovejoyStreettoguideyouthroughmatwork,orsomeonewhouses writingexerciseslikeZanderFryertohelpyouwithyourself-beliefandawarenessofyoursubconscious,findways todelvedeeperintoitandyouwillundoubtedlyremovesomeofthebarriersyoulikelyhaveplacedinyourown path.
TopThreeTakeaways
1. Therearealternativestohustleandgrind,buteachcomponentisapartofthelargerwholeandhasits place.
2. Whenyouactinawaythatfeelscompletelyoutofalignmentwithyourstatedgoals,yoursubconscious maybeplayingapart.
3. Findamentororteachertohelpyoudelvedeeperintoyoursubconscioussoyourhardworkisnot undermined.
Chapter14
JustBeaGoodPerson
“Benice.Showupontime.Knowyourlines.Yaknow,smallthingslikethat…hittingyourmark.Thosesmall thingsalsoprovetobeinpeople'smemories,‘She'saprofessional.Notonlycanshedothematerialbutwewant toworkwithher.’”
— MelissaPonzio,Actor, ChicagoFire,TeenWolf
Whenyou'veread CuriousGeorgetoyourchildrenasmanytimesasIhave,youbegintoseeapattern.Georgeisa monkey.Heisalwaysverycuriousand,onewayoranother,bythemiddleofeachtalehehaswanderedawayfrom hisowner,theManwiththeYellowHat,andfoundtrouble.WhetherGeorgehastakenallthebooksofftheshelves ofalibraryorbeenlostatthetopoftheEmpireStateBuildingbecausehewasfollowingthewrongyellowhat,he hasaggravatedsomeauthorityfigureinsomeway.ButjustwhenGeorgeisreprimandedbysaidauthorityfigure andfacingthethreatofsomekindofpunishment,agroupofpeople,usuallychildren,willcometohisrescue.The pleaonGeorge'sbehalfwillundoubtedlypointoutthatGeorge'sactions,whilenotalwaysconventionallysmart, havesomehowhelpedthesituationdespitehisnotfollowingtherules.Atthispoint,heispraisedforhishelpand reunitedwiththeManwiththeYellowHat,w
hohasfinallytrackedhimdown.Georgeisalwaysforgivenbecausehis heartisintherightplaceand,quitefrankly,peoplegrowtolikehimforthis.
LivetheGoldenRule
ThereismuchforustolearnfromCuriousGeorge.Itshouldbenotedthat,whileGeorgeendsupbeingwell-liked andhispopularityhelpshiscause,hisactionsarenever ledbyadesiretobeliked.Onthecontrary,Georgeis absent-mindedlyfollowinghisbliss.ItjustsohappensthatwhatmakesGeorgeblissfulcanalsobedescribedas kind-heartedaction.Hehelpskidsinatoystorereachtoyshighonashelforhelpsanimalsinthewoodsby reportingfiresthatheseesfromhisvantagepointatopatreeandusinghisclimbingandswingingskillstodump wateronthem,ultimatelyextinguishingthem.Andwhilehisactionstendtoendupbeingservice-oriented,themain qualitythatsavesGeorgeintheendofeachstoryisthat peoplejustwanthimaround.
WhenIwasayoungactorinthemid-1990sinNewYorkCity,Irememberbeingguidedbytheonlyprofessional actorIknew,PatrickCollins.HewassomeoneIhadrespectedandadmiredsinceattendinghisyouthgroupinmy hometownstartinginninthgrade.Heemphasizedthepowerofbeingagoodperson.Anyonewithan overabundanceofambitioncangetcaughtupintryingtomaneuverintoapositionofadvantage.Thisisparticularly trueinanindustrylikeshowbusiness,wheretherearesomanycandidatesforsofewslots.Butwhatwaspointed outtome,whichmostpeoplefailtorecognize,isthataplay,film,ortelevisionseriesinvolvesalotoftimebeing stuckwiththesamegroupofpeoplehourafterhour,dayafterday,formonthsonend.Forthisreason,whiletalent andabilityarecertainlyhighlyvaluedinanyperformance-basedfield,justbeingagoodpersoncanbeashockingly powerfulasset.Unfortunately,therearesomefolksI'vemetalongthewaywho,knowingthistobetrue,have cultivatedentirepersonalitiesaimedatmakingpeoplelikethemdespitetheirunderlyingdisingenuousqualities.