Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs

by vHow to Overcome Rejection on the Way to Your YES (pdf)

  SomeofthemhaveusedthistoperfectionandhavefarbettercareersthanIdo,connivingtheirwayallthewayto thetop.Idon'tenvythesepeoplebecause,inmyopinion,theirfalsewayswillcatchuptothemandpoisonanyof thejoytheyareseekingthroughachievement.

  NiceGuysDon'tAlwaysFinishLast

  I'dliketoshareastorywhere“justbeingagoodperson”benefitedmeinamajorwayinmycareer.Iamawarethat manyofthetopicsdiscussedinthisbookwereatplayinthisstory,particularlypreparationandworkethic.Iam equallyawarethat99outof100timeswhenyouareagoodpersonitcangounnoticedwhilesomeoneelse,withless goodintentions,mayberewarded.Whilethiscanbefrustrating,Iremindyouthattheaimisnotonlytoattainyour goals,buttorespectandlikeyourselfwhiledoingso.

  Alotofmyworkhascomefromrecurringhires.I'veworkedwithpeopleononeshowandthey,feelinglikeIdidmy jobwellandwasapleasantpresenceonset,havebroughtmetoanothershowmonthsoryearslater.WhatI'mgoing toshareisoneofthesestoriesthat,99timesoutof100,wouldnothaveworkedoutthewayitdid.Frankly,Iwas somewhatshockedwhenitcametogethersoquicklyandwithsuchpositiveconsequencesformeandmycareer.

  CathySandrichGelfondwasacastingdirectorIhadmetthroughauditions,butshehadnevercastmepriortothis experience.Nonetheless,wehititoffwhenIauditionedforheronmanydifferentoccasions,promptinghertoreach outtomyrepresentativestoseeifIcouldhelpherwithatablereadshewasassemblingwithRobertDeNiroand JenniferAniston.

  Gelfondcalledmeand,almostapologetically,askedmetoreadthestagedirections.Herapologetictonewasbecause readingthestagedirectionsinareadingisconsideredathanklessjob.Itisonethatisonlynoticedwhenitgoes badly.Forme,theopportunitytobeinaroomwithalegendlikeDeNirofaroutweighedanypotentialdownside.

  ShesentmethescriptandIgottoworkpreparing.

  Havingdonemanyreadingsofplaysandindependentfilmsovertheyears,Ihavewitnessedthepersontaskedwith readingthestagedirectionscompletelytankingareadingbecausetheyfailedtorealize theyneededtobethedriving force.Withtheiregobruisedovernotbeingaskedtoreadanactualpart,theyshowupunprepared,underestimating

  theirresponsibility,andendupkillingthepaceandenergy.Thiscausesthematerialtosuffer.Whiletheremaynot havebeenmuchofanopportunityformetopersonallyscoreinthisreading,Ithought,“Cathyhasgivenmethe opportunitytobearoundoneofthegreatestactorsofalltime;itismyobligationtoreturnthefavorbynotmaking herlookbad.”

  “LindaandShondahititofflikecrazy,andit'sledtothelastseventeenyearsofLinda'slife.AndLindacasting absolutelyeverythingundertheShondaumbrella.”

  —JeffPerry,Actor(Scandal , Grey'sAnatomy) ,onthecollaborationbetweenhiswife,CastingDirectorLinda Lowy,andShondaRhimes

  Thenightbeforethereading,Gelfondcalledmetoexplainhowimportantthestagedirectionswereforthisreading, particularlyinknowingwhattoreadandwhattoleaveout,inordertoletthetwostarsriff.Essentially,Ineededto supportthem,butstayoutoftheirway.Littledidsheknow,Ihadspentthebetterpartoftwodaysgoingthrough myscriptwithahighlighter,makingchoicesastowhatwasnecessaryandwhatcouldbeskippedover.Iassuredher Iwouldnotletherdown.

  Thefollowingday,IshowedupatCAA,thelargestagencyintown,whichrepsbothDeNiroandAniston,and enteredtheroom.Inadditiontothetwostars,theproducerswerepresent.Theirlastfilmhadjustbeennominated forsixOscars,amongotherawards.TherewereseveralactorspresentwhomIknewpersonallyandafewI recognizedfromtheirwork.Inmymind,alloftheircareerswerefurtheralongthanmine,givingmepangsofenvy andjealousy.IremindedmyselfIwasaroleplayeronthisdayandIneededtosetmyegoasideandbeagood soldiertopayGelfondbackforthefavor.

  ThereadingbeganandwatchingDeNiroandAnistonriffwitheachotherwasajoy.Aswithmanyreadings,despite notbeinghiporsoughtafter,thestagedirectionsendedupbeingthebiggestpart.Thewholeeventwentwell;I huggedGelfondandsaidgoodbye,assumingthatwasendofit.Onmydrivehome,Gelfondcalledandsaid,“Igotta tellyou,theproducerspulledmeasideandasked,‘Whowastheguythatreadthestagedirections?Hewas wonderful.’”Ilaughed,thinkingshewasbustingmychops,butsheassuredmethatshewasnot.ShesaidIwasthe onlyactortheyaskedabout.Wehadachuckleoverthisirony,consideringourconversationsbeforethereading,and shethankedmeagain.Beforewegotoffthephone,shesaid,“Ihaveanotherfilmcomingdownthepipelinethatyou mightberightfor.”Whileitwasnicetohearthis,ItookitatfacevaluegivenalloftheexperiencesI'dhadoverthe yearswheregoodintentionsmostlydidnotleadtoactualjobs.

  “Abigpartofbeingaproducerisbeingoutinthefielddevelopingrelationships,doinginterviewsthatyoufeed backfortheanchor,soundbites.Whenyouareemotionallyinvestedpeoplepickuponthat.”

  —KimiCulp,DocumentaryFilmProducer,BroadcastJournalist

  Lowandbehold,aboutamonthlater,Gelfondcalledmeinforwhatwasthentitled Don'tMesswithTexas,starring ReeseWitherspoonandSofiaVergara.Ifeltwell-suitedfortherole,andwhen,uponreadingthewholescript,I discoveredthatthecharacterIwastoauditionfor—whoisintroducedasthoughhe'llbeoneoftheleads—endsup shotandkilledonpage16,Ilaughedandthought,“Maybethey won'tgivethisonetoabigger‘name’thanme.I couldactuallybookthis.”IwentinandimpressedGelfondenoughwithmyinitialreadthatIwasgivenacallback.

  Unfortunately,IhappenedtobeworkingonaTVshowthedaymycallbackwasscheduled,soIcouldn'tgoinforthe directorandproducers.Theysaidnottoworry,thattheywouldbebackaftertheyscoutedlocationsoutoftown.By thetimetheproducersreturnedtoLA,unbeknownsttome,theyhaddecidedtheywouldcastanAfricanAmerican actorinthatrole.

  EventhoughIhadzerochanceofbeingcastinthatoriginalrolenowthatthespecshadchanged,Gelfondlobbied theproducerstogivemealookafterwhatIhaddoneforheratthetableread.Shejustwantedtogetmeinfrontof them.BecauseIhadbeenworkingalotatthattime,IwasveryloosewhenIwentintotheroom.Ifeltgoodabout whatIdidandwhenIfinishedmyread,theproducersaskedmetogobackouttothewaitingroom.Theywantedme tolookatthematerialforadifferentcharacter,DetectiveHauser.WhenIdid,IsawafewactorsIknowwhoare typicallycastin verydifferentrolesfromme.Ithought,“Well,I'lldomything,butthechancesofmyactually gettingthisrolehavegottobe slim!”

  Afteronlyafewminutesfamiliarizingmyselfwiththenewmaterial,Iwentbackinandgavethemmyinterpretation oftherole.DespitethefactthatIwasveryhappywithwhatIdidintheroom,IwasshockedwhenIwaseventually cast.Afewweekslater,IwasinNewOrleansshootingwhateventuallybecame HotPursuit.Aftertwentyyearsof acting,thatwasmyfirsttimeutteringawordinabig-budgetstudiofilm,letaloneplayinganintegralpart.Whileit wasn'tthekindofrolethatcouldnecessarilybeabreakout,Iwasnumberthreeonthecallsheet,rightafterReese WitherspoonandSofiaVergara.

  Ifyoutraceitback,Ireallygottherolefromarelationshipandmywillingnesstotakeonathanklessjobwithgusto.

  MyinvolvementinthattablereadmonthsbeforewastheresultofgoinginpreparedforGelfondovertheyearsand beingadecentperson.Youneverknowwhothepersoniswhomighthelpyouorwhichopportunitywillendup movingtheneedleforyou,soit'sagoodideatotreatothersasyouliketobetreated.Regardlessoftheresults,you'll beabletolivewithyourself.Thatwasoneoftheluckystories.Fulldisclosure:Icanprobablytellyouathousand otherstorieslikeitwhereIdidallthesamethingsbutdidn'tendupwithajob.Thepointis,keepknockingand eventuallysomeonewillopenthedoor.

  Animportantpartofyourjourneyisfindingotherswhosharesimila
rvaluesandinterestsaswellasalevelof commitmentthatiscomparabletoyours.Sometimesthesepeoplewillpullyouuporpushyoutobebettertoreach yourpotential.Othertimes,youwillbetheonepushingandpullingtohelpthemachievetheirgoals.Byactingina

  mannerthathonorsyourownvalues,youwillattract“yourpeople”whilesimultaneouslyrepellingthosewhodonot shareyourworldview.Byactinginawaythatiskindtoothers,youwillundoubtedlyenduptherecipientofsimilar kindactswhenyou'velostheartoryourconfidencewhenthingshaven'tgoneyourway.Havingsomeonethereto remindyouofyourbestintentionsservesasmedicinethatcannotbematchedbyanyotherrecourse.

  TopThreeTakeaways

  1. LivingtheGoldenRule(treatothersasyouwouldliketobetreated)isarecipeformorethanjust

  “success.”Itallowsyoutolikeyourselfwhileyousucceed.

  2. Justbecausemoststoriesdon'tendwithyougettingyour“brassring”doesnotmeanyoushouldn'tdothe rightthing.

  3. Thetimingdoesn'talwaysplayoutinyourfavor(Iwasunavailableformyoriginalcallback),but relationshipscansometimesoverridethat.

  Chapter15

  FocusandSingularity

  “Nothingthat'sworthit doesn'ttake forever.AndIdon'tknowanyonethatIadmire,whetherthey'reextreme winnerslikeMichaelJordanorthey're,yaknow…evenchessprodigies.Idon'tknowanybodyIadmirewho didn'tputinthosehoursofdeliberateanddeeppractice.”

  — BryanCallen,Stand-upComedian/Actor

  Ifyouthinkaboutalloftheamazingadvancementsinhumanhistory,everyoneofthemcameastheresultofan individual,group,orentiresocietybeingsingularlyfocusedonchangingsomething.Whetheritwastopplingan enemynation,breakingaworldrecord,oragiantleapintechnology,laserfocusandconstantlyappliedpressureis whatledtothebreakthrough.Eveninnatureweseesignsofthis:erosionistheresultofmillenniaofwavescrashing repeatedlyupontheshore,turningeventhehardestrocksintosand.Earthquakesmayshockus,buttheyarethe resultofconsistentlyhighpressurebeingappliedalongthefaultlinebetweentwotectonicplateslongbeforewefeel theirvibrations.Almostanyonecangetluckyandachievegoodresultsonce,iftheplanetsalignforthem,buttobe consideredoneofthegreats,atthetopofyourfield,takesanalmostinhumanamountoffocusandsingularityto continuallybeattheoddsandchangethegame.

  ToCatchaRabbit,YouCanOnlyChaseOneataTime

  Focusandsingularityhavedoggedmefordecades,sinceIbeganpursuingmycareerasanactor.I'vealwayshada certainamountofconfusionandpainoverthis—andperhapsyouwillidentifywithitinyourowncareerormaybea differentareaofyourlife—becausemuchofmyfateasanactorresidedinsomeoneelse'shands.Oratleastthatwas thewayIsawit.WhileIbelieveIenteredthisprofessionknowingthathustleandingenuitycouldbethedifference betweeneatingandstarving,Iwasmanytimesfacedwithwheretofocusmyhustle.WhenIspeaktoyoungeractors now,unlesstheyarethebeneficiaryofalargetrustfund,theirbiggestchallengeisalmostalwaysfiguringouthowto balancethetimeandenergytheydevotetotheir artwiththetimeandenergytheydevotetoputtingfoodontheir tables.Thisisbecausemostactorsfacealongperiodoftimewhentheymaygainexperienceandgettraining,but theyarenotpaidforit.Extremecompetitionforrolestranslatestoworkforafewandunemploymentforthemany.

  “Youalwaysthink,‘NowIgot that… thisisgonnacome!’Andthennothingcame.AndthenIwasawaiter,and thenIworkedasanusherandIwasjust…Iwentwaydeepintodebtandwasreally,reallymiserable.AndIwas tryingtomakemoviessoI'drentcamerasnow,payforthem,onmycreditcardthatwasrackingup,towriteand directmyownshorts.I'dsubmitthemtofestivals…turneddownfrom everyfestival!”

  —MarkO'Brien,Actor(CityonaHill), Filmmaker

  Humans,likedogs,arehighlymotivatedbyrewards.Wehaveagoldenretrieverandwhenheisinourbackyard, chewingonaboneorsneakilyattemptingtodigahole,itiseasiesttogethiminsidebyofferingatreat,arewardfor hisobedience.Thequestionthatweallneedtoask,however,iswhichrewardsareweseeking,andwhatarewe willingtogiveupinordertogetthem?Hereweare,backwherewestarted,talkingaboutpleasureandpain.Forus todelvedeeper,weneedtoaskourselveswhichpainwearewillingtoendureandknowwhywearewillingtoendure it.AsIsaidattheverybeginningofthisbook,that“why”willbetheenginethatpropelsustoblockoutall distractionsonourwaytomasteringourchosenfieldandpossiblyevenchangingitforeveryoneelsewhofollows.

  Ihavecometorealizethatmostpeople,unlesstheyhavesomepersonalconnectiontoanactor,vastly over estimate theamountofglamourinanactor'slife.ThosesamepeoplewouldbeshockedtoreadthenexttwostoriesI'mgoing toshare.IcreditthesestoriesastwoofthemajorreasonsIamstillaprofessionalactortoday.Iassureyou,theyare notglamorousintheleast.Oneinvolveswaitingtables.AndtheotherinvolvestheapartmentIremainedinfor sevenyearstosavemoney.

  EsteemedMemberofSociety: Whatdoyoudo?

  YoungMan: (fullofhope)I'manactor.

  EsteemedMemberofSociety: Whichrestaurantdoyouworkin?

  Ifyou'retheyoungmaninthatexchange,asIwas,yougenerallybiteyourtongue,smilepolitely,andacceptthis traditionofhazinglikeagoodsportasyouquietlyplotyourrevenge.The“restaurantbit”is,forthemostpart, accompaniedbyawinkandintendedtobegood-natured.Buthumor,particularlyajokethathaspassedthetestof time,tendstocomefromanunderlyingtruth.AndthetruthformeisthatIspentalotmoretimewaitingtablesand bartendingthanIthoughtI'dhavetowhenIsetoutonmyjourney.Despitethisfact,Imadeadecisionveryearlyon thatIbelieveforeshadowedmysustainabilityinmyficklebusiness.Thisdecisionhadnothingtodowithactual acting.Itwasn'taboutchoosingoneprojectoveranotherorwhetherornotIshouldgrowabeardorwearaneye patchforaparticularrole.IthadtodowithfocusandsingularityandIbelieveitkeptmefromgoingdownarabbit holeinwhichI'veseenmanyotherstrappedovertheyears.

  ToBBQorNottoBBQ?ThatIstheQuestion

  WhenIfirstarrivedinNewYorkCity,onJanuary1,1995,Ihitthepavementlookingforajob.Ihadbounced,bar-

  backed,andbartendedtoearnspendingmoneyallthroughoutcollegeinBoston.Despitethis,Ihadneverlearned howtowaittablesuntilthefallof1994,whenoneofmycastmatesfrom TheMysteryofEdwinDroodhelpedmeget ajobatadesignerpizzarestaurantinStamford,Connecticut.Knowinghowimportantasidelinegigwasforan aspiringactor,whenIgottoNYCIpulledoutasmuchcharmandhustleasIcould,onasmanyapplicationsand interviewsaspossible.IlandedagigatwhatwasconsideredtobeaverysolidrestaurantinMidtown,nearthe theaterdistrict.Virgil'sBBQwasownedbythesamepeoplewhoownedCarmine'sItalianrestaurant,andanyone wholivedorpassedthroughNewYorkCityinthemid-1990swouldknowthattheseestablishmentswereslammed withcustomersonadailybasis.Inshort,Ihadhitthebull's-eye.

  Likeanyothermicrocosm,therewasapowerstructureatVirgil'sBBQ.Whenitcomestorestaurants,allshiftsare notcreatedequal.Lunchshifts,whileveryrespectableatabusyplacelikeVirgil's,typicallydonotyieldasmuch moneyasdinnershifts.Ontopofthat,ifyouwereanactorwhosesolepurposeinhavingthisjobinthefirstplace wastosupportyour“actinghabit,”lunchshiftsofteninterferedwithauditionopportunities.Allpositionsina restaurant,likewise,arenotcreatedequal.Inmanyrestaurants,tipswerepooledamongeveryemployeeworkinga particularshift,butamuchlargerpercentageofthepooledtipswenttothewaitstaff.Thebussersandfoodrunners hadtogetbyonsignificantlyreducedearnings.Ifyourecognizethispowerstructurewhenyouenterthis environment,yourealizethattheonlywaytothetopistoperformwellandstickarounduntilenoughpeopleleave andyouaretheemployeewitht
hemostseniority.

  Knowingmytendencytobeaworkerbee,Iacceptedthischallenge.ButInoticedsomethingveryearlyonthat alarmedme.Iwas22yearsold,andwhenthescheduleswouldbeassigned,Iobservedtheenvythateveryone possessedforthoseontopofthepowertriangle.Ialsoobservedthatmanyofthestaffwereintheirearly30s.I quicklyrealizedthatalmostallofmycoworkers,whowereaspiringactorslikeme,hadbeensidetracked.Theirfocus hadbecomeaboutclimbingtheVirgil'sladdertothetop,wheretheplumshiftsresided.IamsogratefulthatI somehowrecognizedthisasquicklyasIdidand,hearingaboutanewrestaurantopeningacrosstownfromafriend inmyactingclass,Ijumpedshipandappliedforanewjob.Iplannedtogetinonthegroundfloorandhave senioritysoIcouldtailormyworkschedulearoundmyactingratherthanviceversa.

  IstillrememberthereactionIgotfrommycoworkersatVirgil's,asthoughIwasleavingHarvardtogotostudyata communitycollege.ButIhadrememberedwhattheyhadforgotten:mygoalwastorisethroughtheranksofshow business,nottherestaurantbusiness.TheinitialdipinmyincomefromthelesslucrativeCaliforniaPizzaKitchen wasquicklyreplacedbycomparabletipswhen,beingontheteamofstaffthatopenedtherestaurant,Ihadseniority.

  Notonlydidmyschedulebenefit,butwhentheyfoundoutIhadbartendingexperiencetheyputmeatthecounter, whichtypicallymademoremoneythanthewaitstaffcouldmakefromthefloor.

  MyVeryUnsexyManhattanApartment

  WhilestoriesofplaceslikeCaliforniaPizzaKitchen,whereIliterallyworepolyesterpantsandatiewithwavesonit, arenottypicallywhatmorningtalkshowswanttohearaboutwheninterviewinganactor,Isharethembecausethey areuseful.MyVirgil's-to-CPKshiftwasagame-changer,aswasthefifth-floorwalk-up,rent-stabilized,railroad apartmentIrentedfrom1995untiltheendof2002.WhenItellyouthatthisapartmentwillnevermakeitintoa photoshoot,pleasetrustme.Theapartment'sstraightfloorplan,passingthroughroomslikeyou'dpassthrough carsonatrain,ishowtheseapartmentsearnedtheir“railroad”status.Eachroomhadanexposedradiatorunderthe windowaswell,soyouhadtobecarefulnottoscorchyourselfbytouchingtheminthewintermonths.