Matthew Del Negro - 10,000 NOs
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Theissueoffacadeversusrealitycanbeusedforyouoragainstyou.Ifyou'reanactor,examiningthedifferences betweenthefacadeandtherealityofyourcharacterwillbringyoutoarichportrayalthatfeelsauthentic.Ifyou'rea financialanalysttaskedwithassessingthemeritsofacompanyasyouweighthedecisiontoinvestorpass,studying thatcompany'sfacadeversustherealityofitsinnerworkingscouldbethedifferencebetweenprofitorloss.Ifyou're acoachorteacherandyouplacetoomuchemphasisonaplayerorstudent'sfacade,youmayoverestimatetheir abilitiesoroverlooktheirtalent.And,perhapsthemainculpritbehindtherisingdivorcerateinoursocietyisour epidemicofhopingthatourpotentialmatewillliveuptothehypethey'vesolduswithoutdiggingalittledeeperto findout.
AmajorcauseofdiscontentthatIseeinyoungactors(oranyone,forthatmatter)whoeithergivemetoomuch creditforwhereIam,orlookdownonme,thinkingthey'llbemuchfurtheralongwhentheyreachmyage,isthat theyarefailingtolookdeeplyatthewholepicture.Thisfailurewillundoubtedlyseepintotheirwork,notallowing themtoreallygetundertheskinofthecharacterstheyportray.Butmaybeworsethanthatisthatputtingtoomuch stockineveryoneelse'shighlightreelbycomparingittotheirentirelifewillsinktheirself-esteemandrenderthem muchlesspowerfulthantheirpotential.
“Stopallowingotherstodumptheirgarbageonyourlawnandthencomplainingaboutthesmell.”
—CarrieWilkerson,Entrepreneur,Author, TheBarefootExecutive Sodon'tbelievethehype,particularlythehypethatiscuratedonsocialmediabypeopletryingtomakeyousee
themthewaytheywishtheyreallysawthemselves.Whenyoufeelimperfect,that'sbecauseyouare.Andthat'sokay.
Imperfectionisthemarkofhumanity.Aslongasyoudon'tletyourimperfectionsstopyoufromtryingandyou continuetoforgeahead,battlingyourinevitable10,000“no”s,theyarenothingtoworryabout.Instead,consider havingthecouragetodigthemupandexposethemforalltoseesothatyouare celebratedforthem.Afterall,itis yourimperfectionsthatmakeyouunique.
TopThreeTakeaways
1. Themorewecanmergeourinnerexperiencewithourouterfacade,themoreatpeacewewillbe.
2. Everyonehas somechasmbetweentheirinnerexperienceandwhattheypresenttotheworld.Rather thanfeelaloneforthat,acceptitandbegintoclosethegap.
3. Donotcompareyourentirelifetosomeoneelse'shighlightreel.
Epilogue
There'sagreatsceneinoneofmyall-timefavoritefilms, Swingers.Onitssurface,it'saboutyoungactorstryingto makeitinHollywood,butlikeallgreatstories,it'saboutsomuchmorethanthat.JonFavreau'scharacter,Mike, whohasbeenemotionallyparalyzedbyabreakupwithhisoldgirlfriend,hasbeendraggedtoLasVegasbyhismuch lessinnocentbuddy,Trent,playedbyVinceVaughn.Afteranightspentboppingaroundafewlow-endcasinos, whereTrenthasgonetopainstakingeffortstogetMikeoutofhisfunk,theyfindthemselvesbackinatrailerpark withtwowomenroughlytheirageasthesunhasbeguntorise.Trent,theplayboythatheis,tellsadazzlingstory, mostofwhichisprobablyembellished,butallofwhichisthoroughlyentertaining.Thewomenlovehisconfident style.Itseemslikethenightisabouttopayofffortheboyswhenoneofthewomenremarks,“That'sagreatstory.”
Mike,unabletoescapetheprisonofhisownmindwhilestillgrapplingwithhisex-girlfriend'sdeparturefromhis life,mumbles,“Yeah,we'veallgotourstories.”
Hedidn'tmeantosaythatoutloud,butthegirlslookoverathimexpectantly.Theydon'tknowwhatTrentknows: that,likeamothtoaflame,Mikeisdrawntoavictimmentalitythat'sabouttotorpedothenightandbringTrent downwithhim.It'sanincrediblyfunnyandcringe-worthysceneinahilariousfilm,butwhatmakes Swingersa movieI'dwatchoverandoveristhat,underneaththecomedy,it'saboutsomethingreal.Thewordswechooseand thestorieswetell,bothtoourselvesandtotheworld,haveadrasticeffectontheoutcomeofourlives.
We'veallgotourstories.Wetellthemtoourselvesallday,everyday.Withoutrealizingit,wearetheauthorsofour owndestiny,dolingoutinstructionstoourselvesonwhoweareandwhowemightbeonaday-by-day,hour-by-hour,minute-by-minutebasis.ThewayItellmystorynowisdifferentthanitusedtobe.Withthehelpofmentors, manyofwhomImetthroughmy 10,000NOspodcast,IbegantotellmystoryinthespiritofJosephCampbell's The Hero'sJourney.Icastmyselfastheheroicprotagonistwhowasstumblinghiswaythroughlifewhenheheard“the call.”Andwhenthatcallcame,afteraperiodofself-doubtandfear,heansweredit.Thrustinghimselfintoanew worldheknewnothingabout,heforcedhimselftobattledemons,bothexternalandinternal,onhisjourneyto becominghisbestself.
Evenbeingawareofallofthis,itwashardtotellmystoryasataleofresilienceandperseveranceknowingthatso manypeople,maybeevenyou,haveundergonefarmoretraumathanIhave.Butmyformerguest,RobWhitaker, whohadbeenthroughnearly80roundsofchemotherapybattlingStageIVcoloncancer,changedthewayIviewed theworthinessofanyone'sstory,includingmyown.WhenIconfessedtoRobthatIhadnorightcomplainingabout anythingafterhearinghisharrowingstory,hetoldme,“Youdon'tneedStageIVcancer…everybody'sgot somewhereonthatscale,right?Andifyouthinkyou'reattheworstendofyourscale?Thatfeelsthesameasthe worstendofmyscale,soit'sneveracomparison.”Sadly,Robpassedawayafterourconversation,buthiswisdom liveson.Ishareitwithyousoyourealize,asIhavebegunto,thatnegatingyourselfischeatingtheworldoflearning fromyouruniquejourney.
Infact,oneofthepointsofthisbookisthat,whetheryou'veexperiencedextremelossorhavemadeitthisfar throughyourliferelativelyunscathed,youhavehadtorelyonresilienceinsomeway.Cultivatingyourgritand abilitytoperseverewillserveyou.
Ihopethatreadingthisbookhashelpedyouifyouwerefeelingstuck,discouraged,oroverwhelmed.Bythetime you'vereachedthisepilogue,you'veprobablyrealizedthatIhavefeltthatwaymyselfmoretimesthanmyegocares toadmit.Myjourneyhastaughtme,however,thatit'snotaboutmyego.It'saboutmystoryhavingapositiveimpact onothers,somehowleavingthemfeelingjustalittlelessalonethantheyfeltbeforehearingit.Somyadviceistoput onefootinfrontoftheotherandheadintherightdirectiontokeepfollowingyourdreams,ortobeginfollowinga newdream,ifyou'vebeentoowrackedbyfeartomakeyourfirstmove.Whetheryou'reyoungorold,healthyorsick, thereisalwaysanopportunityforgrowth.Andwhentheworld,orthatlittlevoiceinsideyourhead,startstochip awayatyourconfidenceinanefforttomakeyouthrowinthetowel,rememberthewordsofTeddyRoosevelt: Itisnotthecriticwhocounts.Notthemanwhopointsouthowthestrongmanstumbledorwherethedoerof deedscouldhavedonethembetter.Thecreditbelongstothemanwhoisactuallyinthearena.Whosefaceis marredbysweatanddustandblood.Whostrivesvaliantly.Whoerrsandcomesshortagainandagain.Who knowsthegreatenthusiasms,thegreatdevotions…whospendshimselfinaworthycause.Who,intheend,if hewins,knowsthetriumphofhighachievement.And,ifhefails,atleastfailswhiledaringgreatlysothathis placeshallneverbeamongthosetimidsoulswhoneitherknowvictoryordefeat.
MyfathersharedthisquotewithmeinhighschoolwhenIwastooshytoaskagirltotheprom.Iwroteitdownona pieceofpaper,foldeditup,andcarrieditinmywalletforyears.Nowit'sjustsearedintomybrain.Itsitsamongall theotherlessonsandmantrasI'vegleanedfromalltheincrediblepeopleI'vebeenluckyenoughtolearnfrom:
“failureisopportunity,”“nobodywalksonthehill,”andonandon.I'dbehonoredifyouaddthemtoyourown arsenalofweaponsasyoucontinuetocraftyourstoryandshareitwiththeworld.
Weallhaveourstories…whatisyours?Gotellit!
Acknowledgments
Itisimpossibletosumupeveryonewhomustbeacknow
ledgedfortheircontributionstothisbook,asitisan attempttocollectmostofthelessonsI'velearnedinmynearlyhalfacenturyonthisearth.You'llreadaboutmany ofthepeoplewhohavehelpedmealongtheway,butoneofthepointsofthebookisthateverypersonandsituation I'veencounteredhashelpedmeinsomeway.
Thatsaid,Ihavereceivedaninordinateamountofhelpfrommywife,parents,siblings,cousins,friends,in-laws, teachers,coaches,mentors,colleagues,andrepresentatives,nottomentioninspirationfrommykids.Iameternally gratefultobetherecipientofsomuchgoodwill.
SpecialthankstoJonGordon,whoriskedhisreputationasabestsellingauthorwhenhehadn'tknownmeverylong, forintroducingmetoWileyongutinstinct.Andtomyoldteammate,DaveDiFranco,forintroducingmetoJon.
Toallofmyincrediblepodcastguestswhohavesogenerouslyandarticulatelyopeneduptheirlifestoriessotherest ofuscouldlivealittlebetter.Thankyouforsittingdownwithmeandbeingsodamnhonestandinspiring.
Tomyloyalpodcastlistenersfortakingthetimetoleavereviews,sendemailsanddirectmessages,spreadtheword, andletmeknowthattheadditionalprobonocareerIthrewonmyownlapwasnotfornothing.Knowingthatthe 10,000NOsconceptwasresonatingwithpeoplearoundtheworldwasenoughtokeepitgoing,andkeepingitgoing hasresultedinthisbook.
ToeveryoneatWiley,especiallyMattHolt,JeanenneRay,SallyBaker,andPeterKnox,thankyouforthe opportunitytobeanauthor.Asingularshout-outtoeditorJulieKerr,whosufferedthroughanendlessbarrageof emailsasshehelpedme,afirst-timer,sculptmystoriesandthoseofmyguestsintothebookyouarenowreading.
Tomyactingrepresentatives,pastandpresent,forpitchingmeendlesslyandultimatelyallowingmetoearnaliving playingmake-believe.EspeciallyBecca,Laura,Marion,andMark.
Foranyonewhohashiredme,eventhosegigsthatdidn'tpay.Yougavemeachancetohonemycraft.
Lastly,anacknowledgmentofthedowntimes,the“no”sthatledtosuffering,thedefeatsandthedoubterswho fueledmyfiretoprovethemwrong.AndtothatinvisibleforceofGod,theUniverse,MotherNature,theCollective Unconscious,theCreativeForces,forwatchingovermeandpreventingmefromquittingwhenquittingwouldhave beenthelogicalchoicebythrowingmeabonefromoutofnowherewheneverIwasonthevergeofcollapse, encouragingmetokeeponforgingahead.
AbouttheAuthor
MatthewDelNegroisaprofessionalactor( CityonaHill, Scandal, TheWestWing, TheSopranos)andpodcasthost ( 10,000NOs).Sincelaunchinghispodcast,onwhichhesitsdownwithhighachieversfromallwalksoflifeto discusstheirhard-foughtjourneystowheretheyarenow,Matthewhasbecomeoneofthefacesofperseverance, resilience,andgrit.Whennotacting,heisfrequentlyinvitedtodeliverkeynotespeechesonthesesubjectsasthey pertaintohisrollercoasterjourneyasanactorandhistimeasanNCAADivisionIathlete.FollowhimonInstagram
@mattydelorvisitMatthewDelNegro.comor10000nos.com.
Index
Abdul-Jabbar,Kareem,143
Accountability,118
importance,122–123
Acting
coaches,workethic,15–16
“habit,”support,181
lines,memorization(contras),21–22
listening/reading,impact,73
origin,6
path, Sopranos(impact),75
roles,transformation
completion,111–112
process,107–108
Actingcareer
pursuit,7
sportsstories,parallels,72
Actions
actors,smallness,107–109
lessons,48
Actors,portrayal,190
Adaptation,ability,38
Affleck,Ben,112
AlexofVenice(Messina),123
“AllIsLost”moment,93–97
AmericanBuffalo(Mamet),109
Aniston,Jennifer,172,173
Anxiety,25
Apartmentlife,182–184
Apollo13(Howard),67
Art,creation,81
Associations,focus,95
AstheWorldTurns, 73
Athleticperformers,artisticperformers(similarities),26–30
Auditions,162–164
experience,8–11
fear,19
increase,144
nerves,control,29
results,absence,98
Bacon,Kevin,195
Bait-and-switch,82
Bale,Christian,27,43,107
Ballantyne,Craig,41
Bandler,Richard,142
Batiz,Suzy,89,93,166
BBQ,usage(decisionmaking),180–182
Belief,116,147
self-belief,path,148–149
Benz,Julie,32
Bernstein,Melissa,189
Beyoncé,53
Blank,Jessica,1
Blauer,Tony,17,37
Bluefishing:TheArtofMakingThingsHappen(Sims),68
Boyle,Mike,95
Brady,Tom,134,155
Brand(building),money(stretching),192–194
Brando,Marlon,38
Breakdown,experience,7–8
Breakthroughs,6–7
BronxTale,A(DeNiro),23
Bryant,Kobe,142–143
Budden,Amy,134
“Burningtheboats”principle,54–55
Burns,Chris,124–125
Burns,ChristopherJ.,27,62
Butler,Gerard,53
Caddyshack, 134
Callen,Bryan,177
Campbell,Jessi,31
Cancer,Whitakerobservations,154
Canvas,content/imagery(reframing/importance),78–82
Capalbo,Jim,69
Career
actingcareer,7,72
change,62
chase,178–180
compilation/creation,109–112
perspective,56
pursuit,7
rise/fall,example,59–63
Caterpillar,transformation,104–107
Change
fear,cessation,104–105
positivechange,capability,105
Chase,Chevy,133
Chase,David,186
ChelseaWalls(Hawke),162–165
ChicagoFire, 110
Childhood,pain/rejection/loss,2–3
Choices,making,49–50
CityonaHill,84,110,195
Collins,Patrick,171
Communication,118
absence,126
importance,121–122
Competitivespirt,presence,43
Confidence,gaining,155
Conquest(metaphor),54–57
Cordial,53
Cortés,Hernán,54
Course/path,control,33–34
Culp,Kimi,174
Cure,discovery,99–101
CuriousGeorge, 169–170
Curry,Steph,17,134
Darabont,Frank,95–96
Davis,Paige,127
DeadPoetsSociety, 162
Death(metaphor),54–57
Defeat
admission,90–91
surrender,association,90
Delegation,125–129
Denial,definition,81
DeNiro,Robert,23,172,173
Destiny,determination,80
Discipline,41
loss,problem,42
power,49
regimen,42
requirement,45–46,51–52
Discomfort,lessening,99
Discontent,cause,195
Don'tMesswithTexas, 174
Dreamwork,160–161
Duplass,Mark,16
Easternphilosophies,Westernbias,141
Education,continuation,191–192
Ego,stardom(relationship),129–131
Elmaleh,
Gad,29,46
Empowerment,belief,152–153
EntertheDragon, 90
Entrepreneurship,success,14–15
Evans,Heath,117,151
Evolution,continuation,191–192
Excellence,pursuit,43
Experiences
adverseeffects,86–87
framingprocess,importance,77–78
usage,100
Expert,listening,44–45
Externalexperience,94
Externalvalidation,144
Facade,5
reality,contrast,189
Failure
gamecomponent,75
option,absence,67
risk,avoidance,55
self-berating,72
success,relationship,59–60
Faith,147–148
requirement,150–151
Fame,perspective,56
Fear
impact,144
understanding,17–18
usage,85–86
WestWingexperience,18–22
Ferrara,David,152
Ferruggia,Jay,46–48,50,108
Fighting,art,90–93
Finances,stress,193
Fishman,Roger,61
Focus,177
Forces,susceptibility,145
Fosse/Verdon, 108
Fraturday,130
Freeman,Morgan,95–96,152