Guilty as Sin

by Rita Hestand

  "That's up to a judge and jury."

  "Who'd she kill?"

  "A local boy this side of Ridge City, named of Earl Blethe. He was a no-account, but still a human being. What's so odd, is that her Pa is the one that informed us of it all. He don't seem to care if we hang her or not. He's the one that gave us all the information. It's pretty damning, but I don't think they'd hang a woman. But they would put her in prison. Might be just as bad, or worse."

  "Did she shoot him?"

  "No, she stuck a knife in him."

  "A woman killin' a man with a knife. She must be big and powerful then."

  "What do you mean?"

  "Well, it takes some muscle and know how to kill a man with a knife."

  "She's a little thing."

  "Then how the hell did she get the muscle to kill him? Maybe her daddy did it and is blaming it on her, thinking they won't hang her, and they would him."

  "I don't know anything about that, and I'm sure it'll come out in the trial. Although, you know, when I think about it. This father of hers is a known drunk. Maybe he did it and blamed it on her. Because you are right, it would take some muscle for a little woman like herself to wield that knife deep enough to kill him."

  "My thinking too. Well, I'll keep my eyes peeled. Thanks for stoppin' by to tell me."

  "See ya Jack." Charlie waved on his way out.

  Moon and Lissa came in slowly staring at Jack.

  "So, they have posters out on me now. They think I killed Earl." Lissa said sadly. "I kind of figured Pa would turn me in."

  "I'm sorry Lissa," Moon came toward her.

  "Well, I think I got Charlie looking elsewhere for you." Jack scratched his head.

  "He sure didn't waste any time." she cried.

  "Lissa this has to be hard on you, especially since it was Moon." Jack told her.

  "While I was listening just now, it dawned on me a way to get Moon totally out of this."

  "What do you mean?" Moon came to stand beside her now.

  "If they catch me, they'll want a confession. I could say I went inside the barn to do my chores and found Earl there, dead already. With no clue as to who killed him. That way Moon wouldn't be charged with anything. I'd also say I was scared my Pa would blame me for it."

  "Yeah… that might work." Jack scratched his head. "So?"

  "Well, they don't have a body for the other man. So, I can't be blamed for that." She smiled, "So, what do you think?"

  "I think it's a good angle."

  Moon studied on it too, "Yes, and if they ever do catch you. You can say you ran away because you were afraid of your father, especially after you found Earl dead in the barn."

  Lissa thought about it, then looked at Moon, "Only, how can I live with the truth?"

  "You live with it by realizing that Moon saved you from Earl and did you a favor. Then you killed the other man for the same reason. It was justice."

  "Even if we stick with that story, she can't turn herself in."

  "No, that would be admitting she knew too much about it all. We'll wait."

  "Doesn't matter which one they blame me for, I am guilty, Jack?" She looked from Jack to Moon.

  "I-I… excuse me," she ran to her room and shut the door.

  Moon started after her, but Jack stopped him. "Let her cry it out. She's got to get rid of some of those pent-up feelings boy."

  Moon nodded, "I guess you're right. But I killed Earl, not her!"

  "They didn't see you Moon, it's all on her now."

  "That's not right."

  "Right or wrong, it's fact. And that story she came up with is the best I've heard yet."

  "But it's a lie, Jack."

  Jack nodded with disgust. "I know and lying isn't a good thing. But I don't believe the truth is going to save either one of you. You because you are Indian, and her because she's an innocent."

  "What the hell are we going to do Jack?" Moon leaned over a kitchen chair and fretted.

  "You can't clear her on this, they'd hang you before you even got to a jail. So, forget it. We'll stick with this story she came up with. It's the only way for the two of you to have a life."

  "I can't let her take all the blame."

  Jack sighed aloud now. "When it comes to something like this, it's time to turn it over to the Lord, son."

  "I'm not afraid for me, I'm afraid for her."

  "I know you are, so am I. We just gotta protect her, is all. No matter what it takes. If lying is what it takes, then we'll lie."

  "I guess you are right, but I doubt she can live with it though."

  "Maybe if she had something to live for, she would." Jack smiled at him.

  Chapter Ten

  "Where are we going?" Lissa asked when they helped her up on Moon's new horse, and they walked for what seemed like forever. They climbed up into what looked like a canyon, and it was a long way. The rocky canyon that formed a huge arch stood majestically in front of them now, and she saw it from the distance.

  "What is that?" she asked breathlessly.

  "It is what we call our Holy Rock. It is where Jack and I come to pray."

  She perked up and smiled, "Oh!"

  They led her to it and Moon helped her down.

  She followed them to the arch where they looked around at the valley below. It was such a lovely place, Lissa was enchanted.

  "It's beautiful here. It's like stepping up in the heavens. You have to know there is a God when you look at something so beautiful."

  The rocks were orange and reds and yellows, creating a rainbow effect.

  "I can see why it is a holy place." She smiled.

  "Yes, one of God's finest creations." Jack told her.

  "You can pray here, for anything. God answers, in his time." Moon told her.

  "Thank you!" she told him. "And thank you for bringing me. How did you find this place?"

  "We've traveled this area for a long time. Actually, we found it the first time we went gold digging. And I guess you could say, we did find gold here!" Jack smiled.

  She sat at the arch and closed her eyes and for a long time she didn't open them. She let the sounds around her surround her. The wind echoed a lonely tune. The sun bore down on them. She breathed deeply and smiled. Moon stared, admiring her beauty as she wasn't watching. Even as a man she was beautiful.

  He had a prayer he had to pray too. He prayed he had the strength not to touch her, to love her.

  She didn't want to mar this time with too much thinking. She wanted to connect with God and perhaps he had all the answers she would need. It was a peaceful place, Lissa felt it as she sat there. Almost like a church, she felt God's presence here. Really felt it. Had the earth itself shaken her, she would not be afraid here.

  Her parents had taken her to church as a child, but when her real father died that stopped, and she never went again. She could barely remember it. But her mother taught her from the good book, and she talked to God a lot as a child.

  Lately Moon had watched her too often. His desire grew for her and he whispered a prayer that he would not give into the temptation. Still, he longed to make her his, and yet he could not tell her, as she would not be safe as a woman. He was sure of that.

  Jack moved around and by the end of the day they had all prayed to the Creator. There was a peace that surrounded them now, as though coming to pray calmed them.

  They camped not far from there and as Jack and Moon built the fire for the evening, Lissa stared at the arch in awe. From a distance it was just as beautiful. In the setting sun it was even more beautiful the rocks turning colors in the sunset.

  "It's so peaceful here." She murmured. "I have never seen anything so beautiful in all my life, even the churches aren't this beautiful." she told Moon as he joined her. "Have you?"

  "Only one thing."

  "Oh, what could surpass something like this?" she asked staring at its splendor.

  "You," he whispered.

  She glanced at him in shock. He hadn't said much lately, and t
his startled her. He hadn't touched her in weeks, and she ached to be in his arms once more. But she sensed it was not what he was thinking, and she decided it was best if she'd try to forget what had happened between them. They were still friends, and that was something.

  She blushed from his compliment but said nothing.

  "Tell me, what did you pray for?" he asked.

  "For everything to come right. For all of us to have a life."

  "And if it were over, what would you do?" he asked.

  She looked at him suddenly, enjoying the way he looked in his white clothes, enjoying the way he looked at her.

  "I don't know? I guess I'd have to get a plan, figure out where to go from here."

  "Walk with me," he told her and took her hand. They walked away from Jack and the wolves, as they often brought them here. After Jack built the fire, the wolves played with him and he wrestled with them and laughed.

  "Lissa, I brought you here as I did not know where else to take you. But you should have a choice. Your disguise is working well. No one has suspected." He told her. "For now, you are safe. I don't know for how long, but at least you are not in immediate danger, as long as you continue the disguise."

  "Yes, I suppose I am. But how long will it last? How long do I have to be a man?"

  "I do not have the answers. Are you happy here with Jack and I?" he asked.

  "Yes, but even that cannot last forever. I know that. I'd turn myself in if it would do any good. But it would expose you and I won't do that." She told him.

  "Jack and I think that story you came up with will work. We must stick to it. Do you want me to turn myself in, for killing Earl?" he asked.

  "No, what good would it do. Earl deserved what he got. But I am wondering what to do with myself. I am used to working, teaching school. But I can't expose myself to others like that. And there would be too many questions to answer to consider doing it elsewhere."

  "It is too soon, you cannot change things. Your disguise is good. No one has bothered you here. Even though we know they are looking for you, they have not seen you. I know it is hard, but you must be patient. God will answer your prayer."

  She looked at him moving away so she could see his reactions. "Moon, your life is here, with Jack. This is your home. But I'm an intruder."

  "You are not an intruder, you are welcome to be with us. What happened in your barn, threw us together, and we must stick together and see it through, no matter the outcome. Do you understand this? I know it is hard on you. I know it sort of puts your life on hold. But circumstances threw us in this mess together. And together we will live."

  "What if it takes a lifetime, Moon?" she wailed.

  "Would it be that bad if it was a lifetime, here with me and Jack?"

  "A lifetime of being a man? Are you serious?"

  "Not a lifetime of that, but with me and Jack."

  "It's not you or Jack I object to, it's this disguise, I can no longer be myself. I feel like hiding if anyone comes near. If someone does discover me, it could get bad, and I don't want anyone hurt because of me. It's all my fault. I shouldn't have come with you."

  "No, it is not! We both made decisions. When I protected you from Earl. You felt duty bound to protect me from your father and who he sent. We are bound by our decisions to help each other. And no matter what happens, we must stick together and protect each other. We have discussed this before, why go over it again, nothing has changed."

  "You can't be responsible for me all my life, Moon. At some point we have to live our own lives. The story you dreamed up will work if you are caught. You found Earl dead in the barn, your father was drunk, and you were scared of him, you ran. You came here to hide out away from your father. It would clear me, and you of any wrong doing. The other man, they'd have to find his body first and I don’t think they will. But if all was well, where would you live your life, if you had a choice?"

  She turned away, "I don't know. After all I've done, I'm not sure I have a right to have a life of my own."

  "Is there someone you favor from your home?"

  She whirled around, "You mean someone I care about?"

  "Yes." He answered simply.

  "No, my father wouldn't allow anyone but Earl around me. I had very few friends. I want a life of some kind, a future, but how can I have it. I feel like I'm a prisoner of my fate. You deserve the same. I am sure you had some kind of life before I came along and interrupted it."

  "Believe it or not, I am like you in this!"

  "How can you be?"

  "I have left my tribe. I am not accepted as a white, but I live like one with Jack, to make it easier for him. I have no home either. So, I made this my home. But a woman is a nester, and without a nest she is lost. Do you not want a husband and children?"

  "I do, but I don't see it happening. I am a murderer. Who would have me? Look at me, I look like a man!"

  "I see Lissa when I look at you, not a man. I see a woman of courage."

  He came up to her and held her cheeks, his thumb stroking her there. She stared into his eyes.

  "I feel so ugly, even you… have changed toward me since I took on the man clothes."

  "It is not the clothes, I ignore. I cannot explain it right now. But trust me." He smiled, "I have backed away from you, yes. I have tried to give you some time of your own. I know it is difficult but give it a little more time. People forget and things that seemed important are not any longer."

  "We killed two people, you and me. It will always be important, if not to others, to ourselves." She sighed, she'd actually hoped he had drawn her aside to be with her, but he hadn't. He hadn't kissed her in a while, and she knew it was because she looked so much like a little man now. How could she possibly tell him how she really felt about him and being here? She was pulled in doing what she wanted or completely ruining his life by telling him how she felt.

  "You're right," she finally sighed. "I should be more patient and be glad no one has spotted me. And we are in this together, I suppose. Only, they are looking for me, not you. You can still go about your life the same. And believe me, I don't want to change that either."

  "One thing, if they catch you, and take you to jail or try to hang you, I'll hang right along side you. We will enter heaven together."

  "Well," she chuckled, "That's a comforting thought."

  "I know, and it is not fair to you. But I have a feeling that everything will work out well in time." He smiled at her now. "Let's get back."

  "Moon," she turned to look at him with a tear in her eye. "If I tell this lie, how do I live with it for the rest of my life?"

  He stared into her eyes, he came toward her, his hands going to her cheeks once more, as his thumb absently stroking her there, "By knowing it is best for both of us. Justice and right and wrong are sometimes twisted. Why should you hang for the man that was trying to take you back to what you feared most in life? Or I for saving you from Earl. Should I die for wanting to keep you from harm?"

  "No, of course not."

  "Should you, for wanting to keep me from harm?"

  "No, I suppose not."

  "It is a brilliant plan and possibly the only thing that will save us and give us a future."

  "And the reason I'm here in these clothes?"

  "You're afraid of your father and hiding from him."

  "I guess it is sound reasoning."

  "We should not hang for what needed doing." He told her.

  She nodded. "But we'll always know, won't we?"

  "Yes, sweet Lissa, we will always know, and that is our cross to bear."

  "You're right. It will be."

  She nodded and they walked back, hand in hand. There were no answers, their lives were intertwined but Moon had backed off now, and it was clear his feelings were not as before. Perhaps he had time to think clearly. Oddly though, her feelings hadn't changed, in fact, she was more in love with him now than ever. For the one thing he hadn't backed away from was protecting her.

  She knew thei
r relationship had changed. She suddenly had no future to look forward to.

  Although she was happy here, she wished Moon hadn't changed so much. She had welcomed his kisses, and now there were none. It was like she stopped being a woman in his eyes. He said it had nothing to do with her looking like a man. But it had to.

  She hated being a man! Yes, it was safer, but the hurt inside her wouldn't go away. She was in love with Moon, and she dare not tell him.

  Patience, is that what it would take? Be still, a small voice inside her told her. Yes, that was the answer. Be still and let God take over.

  Jack was roasting something on an open spit.

  "What is that?" She asked with a slight laugh.

  "It's a jackrabbit, a big one." Jack laughed. "I hope he isn't tough."

  She pinched off a piece and tasted it. "Hmm… it is good."

  He smiled, "It will be ready soon."

  "What have you been doing?" She asked.

  "What do you mean?" Jack asked innocently.

  "You've got dirt and sand and all kinds of things in your hair." She dusted his hair with her hand, and sand and gravel went everywhere.

  "I've wrestled with these two," he pointed to the wolves.

  She laughed. Moon smiled at Jack.

  "What have you two been up to?" he asked.

  "Moon was explaining how I need to be patient about this man thing."

  "I'm sure it's hard on you."

  "A little, yes."

  "But it's working," Jack told her.

  "I guess it is!" she smiled.

  But her eyes weren't shining when she said it and Moon knew she wasn't happy about it. He needed to pray on it harder for an answer.

  Chapter Eleven

  The next few weeks were quiet, and Moon, Jack, and Lissa settled into living normally for a while. Lissa took care of the cabin, got the meals ready for the men, cleaned and fed the animals. She liked having something to do, and she enjoyed feeding and playing with the wolves too.

  She chuckled to herself, "Who would have thought."

  She had one visitor she hadn't expected. A man came to the door one day after moon went hunting for supper and Jack was at the mine.

  "Can I help you?" she asked.