"There has to be some forgiveness in you, Sophie," Grace continued in a firm voice. "It's not like you to run off like this."
Sophie knew she meant well, but she also knew, from her aunt's use of her given name instead of one of her usual endearments, that she was not going to drop the issue. "I'm twenty-three. I didn't run off," Sophie countered, "but the entire time I was growing up my parents were living a lie. That's a little hard to digest, coming from people who all my life stressed the importance of honesty and openness."
Grace got the oddest look on her face.
It came to Sophie that perhaps her aunt was also hiding something. Maybe a past she wanted buried? She couldn't imagine Aunt Grace having the kind of past her older sister had, but there was definitely something hidden behind her uncharacteristic expression.
"Mom! It smells like something's burning in here!" her youngest son, Tyler, yelled from the direction of the kitchen.
"The gravy!" Grace rushed off, wrapped a towel around the pot handle and ran to the sink.
And Sophie was glad for the distraction. Not only did she not want to discuss this with her aunt, but so many harsh words had been exchanged between her and her parents before leaving California that she still needed time to think things through before taking the next step, whatever that would be.
After the boys acknowledged her, they returned to what they’d been doing when she arrived. Josh and Jeremy, the younger set of twins, were involved in a video game, with Ryan, the son born between the two sets of twins, and Tyler, the youngest of the boys, watching over their shoulders. Maddy was snuggled up against her dad while he was showing her how to tie special knots, and Adam stood off by himself, seeming to be taking things in. The only one missing was Marc, and Sophie suspected he was in his room, probably cataloging artifacts he'd dug up in the Indian mound, since that was usually his focus.
Sophie also noticed that Adam's eyes kept returning to her, not teasing eyes like in the past, but eyes that showed disappointment. Ever since the night of the party he hadn't kidded with her like he had in the past, unlike Marc who on seeing her again, poked fun at her about her new status as a college graduate, so she knew Adam had said nothing to Marc about the party, which didn't surprise her. Adam and Marc weren't close. In fact, they were as different as night and day.
Adam was a cowboy, a horseman, a rancher through and through. He was also ready to settle down at a very early age. He'd given Emily a ring at Christmas and their wedding was less than a month away. But Marc was the opposite. He rarely dated because he was a serious student and that took priority, and there was little about ranch life that interested him except the Indian mound. For years he'd been digging up shards and arrow heads and cataloging them, and whereas Adam was attending college because Grandma Maureen insisted it was important for a rancher to study ranch management, Marc was there because he wanted to learn.
As far back as she could remember, Marc had a thirst for knowledge. But it was Marc's appearance that set him apart from the rest, including his mother and father. Sophie often wondered if he felt as if he came from a different gene pool—shorter and beefier in stature, hair light brown with honey-gold highlights, eyes an odd gray-green, lighter or darker depending on his mood or the surroundings, but never brown like the rest.
To her surprise, the front door opened and Rick stepped inside.
Grace looked over at him, and said, "I'm so glad you decided to join us for dinner, honey."
Rick gave his aunt a thumbs up, caught and held Sophie's eye for a moment, then went over to stand beside Adam. He and Adam immediately started up a conversation. On occasion they looked her way, like they were talking about her, and through it their faces remained sober. Then Jack patted Maddy on the knee and set the knotted strings aside and headed for the kitchen where he peered over Grace's shoulder as she stirred the contents of a pot, and Maddy scooted off the couch and dashed over to sit beside Sophie. Cuddling up against her, Maddy said, in an excited voice, "Will you stay with me in my room like you did last time?"
"No, sweetie," Sophie said, "I'll be staying with Grandma. How do you like forth grade?"
"I like it fine," Maddy replied. "I'm student of the week."
"That's exciting," Sophie said, "but I'm not surprised. You're smart, and pretty, and very, very special."
"That's what Rick says too," Maddy replied, which surprised Sophie, not so much that Rick said it, which would be like Rick, but that Rick seemed to be the focus of Maddy's mind, even though Rick was only one of seven Hansen boys who made a fuss over her.
"Then it must be so," Sophie said, "because Rick's smart and knows these things." She glanced at Rick, who heard, and had a slight smile on his face.
"Are you gonna marry Rick?" Maddy asked in a voice that carried across the room.
Sophie's eyes shot to Rick and she saw the smile fade, replaced by uneasiness. She also realized Rick's cousins were looking at her. "No," she replied. "Rick and I are just good friends."
"Like Mommy and Daddy are good friends?" Maddy asked.
Sophie looked in the direction of the kitchen just as Jack planted a kiss on the side of Grace's neck, which Grace responded to by glancing around to see who was watching, then swatting Jack playfully. But it wasn't unusual to catch Aunt Grace and Uncle Jack nibbling on each other like love birds. It had always been that way with them. They loved each other and didn't try to hide it. A house full of kids was the culmination of all that nibbling, Sophie had decided early on.
Sophie couldn't help but look at Rick to see his reaction though, which was dead sober. "Not friends like your mom and dad," she said. "Different kinds of friends."
"Do different kinds of friends get married?" Maddy pressed on.
"Maddy, honey," Grace said, catching the gist of the conversation, "Rick and Sophie are friends like you and Jimmy are."
"Then Sophie and Rick play with each other?" Maddy asked, in all innocence, which made Sophie's face hot, and brought howls of laughter from Maddy's brothers, who either popped Rick on the shoulder, or gave him a shove, or eyed him with amusement. Rick smiled, but Sophie knew the smile was feigned.
"Did I say something funny?" Maddy asked, after her brothers stopped laughing.
"No, sweetheart," Grace replied. "Your brothers are just being boys. You'll understand when you're older." She gave her sons a look that told them she would not put up with anymore of their offhanded joking, then announced to her offspring, "Wash up boys. Dinner's served." After sending Jack to the table with a platter of ham, she turned to Maddy, and said, "Honey, you can sit next to Sophie."
Maddy shook her head. "No, put Rick next to Sophie," she insisted, then went over and took Rick by the hand and led him to the table. "You're sitting here and Sophie's sitting here," she announced, placing a hand on each chair.
Sophie glanced at Rick, whose expression remained sober, then took her seat, and Rick sat beside her. After everyone was settled around the table and Grace had said blessing, and while hands were reaching in all directions for the food bowls, Sophie said to Rick, while serving herself a portion of zucchini, "I thought you were going to town."
"I already went," Rick replied.
"I'm not trying to pry," Sophie said, "just curious. Where did you go?"
"To see a friend."
"A woman?" Sophie asked without thinking, and immediately wished she hadn't. If that's where Rick had been, she didn't want to know.
Rick nodded and offered nothing more.
It bothered Sophie that he'd turned to someone else to sort through things. That wasn't the way it should be. He'd also turned to a woman, not a male friend. That bothered her even more, and it was all she could do to keep from asking: Is she smart? Is she pretty? Is she someone special? Did you hug her? Kiss her? Confide in her?
It never occurred to her that Rick could be involved with a woman, though there was no reason why he shouldn't be. He was a prime catch for any woman, a man who had it all together, who had a cross to bear w
ith his mother, but suffered it with dignity.
He was also the man who, after knowing him for eighteen years, she was falling in love with. Too little too late, she realized, and tried to work up an appetite for the spread of food on her plate, finding it difficult to swallow, her throat was so dry.
Rick picked up on that, and said, "You okay?"
"No," Sophie replied. "It's been a stressful two days. Did you stop by your mother's place again?"
'No, but I will first thing in the morning," Rick said. "Are you going to square things away with your family?"
Sophie shrugged. "I don't know. Does it matter to you?"
"What you do still matters," Rick said. "That hasn't changed."
"What has changed then?" Sophie asked.
"Maybe we can talk about it later."
"Tonight?"
Rick nodded. "Meet me at the footbridge later. We can talk in private there."
"Fine." It all sounded suspiciously to Sophie like Rick planned to inform her that she should go back to California, get her act together, drop him a line on occasion, be a good little girl and stay out of trouble, and that he'd always care about her, but their lives were going in different directions now, and on, and on, Rick in big brother mode where he'd stay, because now, that's precisely how he felt.
***
Later that evening, as Rick stood beside Sophie on the footbridge that crossed the creek behind the lodge, he started out by saying to her, "I don't know how this will all turn out with my mother. I hope she'll turn herself in so you won't have to file a report, but if it comes to that, my dad and I and the rest of the family will be behind you. Meanwhile, you and I need to square a few things away."
"All right, why don't you just lay it out for me," Sophie said, in a tone edged in cynicism. "In fact I'll get you started. First, I should head back to California and square things away with my family. Fine. I'll think about doing that, sometime in the near future. Next, parties at Buzz Newman's are taboo. That's no problem. I have no desire to attend parties like that ever again. Oh, and if a guy happens to catch me naked in the hot spring I'll immediately get out and get dressed so I won't be tempted to seduce him. Does that cover everything?"
Rick gritted his teeth to keep from yelling at Sophie. He wanted to reason things out, or at least try to understand what was going on with her, and she was intent on making sure he didn't slip back into being in love with Sophie mode. Initially, when he found her drinking at his mother's he figured the wine went to her head because she never drank, and he assumed she'd bounce back to the person he'd always believed her to be and that would be the end of it, but from that point on, everything with Sophie went downhill. Looking askance at her, he said, "Is this about your anger at your mother, or is all of it aimed at me?"
Sophie looked at him, and in the glow streaming down from the utility light near the lodge, he saw puzzlement on her face. She reaffirmed it when she said, "Why would you think my behavior of the past few days has anything to do with you?"
"I don't know," Rick replied. "It's just that you seem to want to be everything opposite from what I've admired about you over the years."
"What, that I was this perfect parochial school girl who never dated, and never uttered a cuss word, and never looked at boys or thought about sex, and did everything my parents wanted?"
"You were the kind of girl any decent guy would admire and want for a wife."
"Then according to you, because of one incident at a party, I'm suddenly relegated to unmarriageable status."
"Smoking pot, getting drunk, and being ready to have sex with a stranger isn't an incident, Soph. It's a warning sign."
"So, Dr. Hansen, having seen the warning sign, would you want to marry me?"
"This isn't about you and me," Rick said. "We've never talked about marriage, at least not in reference to each other."
"But you've thought about it, haven't you?"
"Maybe."
"Well, I'm sorry to be a disappointment to you," Sophie said, "but I no longer want to live up to the expectations laid out for me while I was growing up. That's not saying I want to go to a party and get drunk and smoke pot again, because that was a one-time thing I'll never repeat, nor do I want to go out with a guy like Buzz. In fact, I'm not inclined to want to go out with anyone ever again. So are you satisfied? Sophie Meecham heading for the nunnery?"
Rick was annoyed with Sophie's continued sarcasm. He'd noticed over the years that whenever things didn't go her way, she used sarcasm to cover up what was really going on with her. "You know that's not what I mean."
"Then maybe you need to clarify things for me," Sophie said. "You slip into big brother mode, or Mr. Psychologist mode, and think you can pick up where my father and Justine failed, but right now I really don't want anyone telling me how to run my life."
"Yeah, well, I don't particularly want to be big brother or Mr. Psychologist either, but while you're running your own life, you'd better step back and take a long look at yourself. You might not see a very pretty picture. I know I don't."
"Fine then. If you don't like what you see, why are you here with me instead of in town with whoever it is you go to see?"
"What are you talking about?"
"I'm talking about the girl you went to see earlier tonight."
"Why should it matter to you if I went to see a girl?" Rick asked, surprised that Sophie brought it up. It hinted of jealousy, which didn't fit the Sophie he'd known over the years. But right now nothing about the woman standing with him fit the Sophie he'd known.
"It doesn't matter to me if you went to see a girl," Sophie said, but in a tone that suggested it did matter, which Rick found disturbing. He didn't want Sophie to have the kind of feelings for him he'd had for her over the years because he was looking for a reason to want Sophie out of his life. He was fed up jumping through her hoops. But right now she was waiting for him to tell her about some woman in his life who didn't exist, and he was torn between making up a fictitious woman to test her feelings or telling her the truth so whatever feelings she might have would fade away and he'd go back being good old Rick, her buddy, and be done with her and get on with his life. "Just for the record," he said, deciding on the latter, "I went to see Flo."
Sophie eyed him with uncertainty. "The woman who used to work at the ranch?"
Rick nodded.
Sophie stared at him without emotion at first, but then one corner of her mouth lifted with the hint of a smile, and for the first time since she'd arrived Rick saw tiny points of light in her eyes, like she was pleased. Then she turned from him and said, while looking down at the water tripping over rocks in the creek below, "Why did you go see her?"
"To talk," Rick replied.
Sophie looked askance at him. "About your mother?"
Rick shook his head. "She's a good sounding board when I want input from someone I admire." As soon as he said the words, he knew Sophie would take them as a stab at her, a person he no longer admired.
"I'm sorry I can't be what you want," Sophie replied, reaffirming what he'd surmised.
Rick covered her hand with his, and said, "I'm not trying to turn you into someone I want, Soph, I just don't want you screwing up your life because you're mad at your mother."
Sophie looked down at their hands and said nothing, but after a few moments she looked toward the cabin where she'd stayed when she'd first been brought to the ranch and turned over to a father who, until that moment, hadn't known she existed.
He could still picture her the day he walked with his father toward the cabin to see if she wanted to build a snowman. She was standing on the couch in the cabin, looking out the window, and when she saw him coming she smiled, and his whole world lifted. It had been the Christmas from hell, with his parents having had one of the worst fights ever, and Sophie was devastated because she'd asked Santa to bring her mother back from heaven and he didn't. But building a snowman, and shoving a carrot nose into his frosty face, and adding Oreo cookie eyes and a
baseball cap, and seeing Sophie laugh made things better. Just like seeing her laugh now would make things better...
He looked up when the headlights of a vehicle coming down the road caught his attention. It drove past the lodge and pulled up in front of his father's house.
"Were you expecting anyone tonight?" Sophie asked.
Rick shook his head. "We'd better go see who it is." What first came to mind was that Sophie's folks had arrived and would be looking for her. He wasn't sure he was ready to witness the reunion. Sophie wasn't as angry as when she first arrived, but he knew she wasn't ready to welcome them with open arms either.
They crossed the gravel road that cut between the cabins on the creek and the lodge and walked the short distance to his father's house, entering through the back door. But when they stepped into the living room, he knew there was something drastically wrong. He saw it on the faces of his father and Jayne and Becca, and on the faces of the two men standing in the living room. One of the men stepped forward, and said to Rick, "I'm Detective Culver with the McMinnville Police. Are you Richard Hansen?" Rick nodded.
"Are you the son of Susan Renee Hansen?"
Rick looked at him in alarm. "Yes, why?"
"I'm afraid we have some very bad news." The man waited a moment for Rick to digest that, then said, "Your mother was found dead this morning from an apparent drug overdose. There will be an investigation since all suicide deaths are considered homicides until proven otherwise. At this point we have no reason to believe there was foul play."
After absorbing what he'd just heard, Rick asked, "Why suicide? She could have simply taken too many pills. My mother did have a drinking problem she tried to hide."
"She left a note," the detective replied. "It's being held until the investigation is complete."
"I'd like to see the note," Rick said. "Can I come to the station with you now?"
"I'm afraid not," the detective replied. "Since the note was not on the body, the investigating agency placed it in the Police Property Room. A copy of the note will be made part of the medical examiner's permanent record, but the original copy will be released to you when the case is complete, which should be in a few days. However, suicide notes are not public record, so it's exempt from public disclosure." The detective asked a series of questions and continued with routine jargon, most of which Rick missed. But after the men left, it bothered Rick that he felt nothing. No shock. No grief that his mother was dead. It was as if all emotion shut down.
Uncertain Loyalties (Dancing Moon Ranch Book 4) Page 7