Devon

by Leanne Davis

  Claudia’s curls swing around again when her head starts shaking. “You’re going to take over Chloe’s Corner Café? As in… forever?”

  “I hope so. I don’t think the metal business appeals to me enough to spend my life doing it. I’ve taken a long, hard look at myself and thought about what I want. I’m in a unique position right now with no family and kids. I can really make big changes, if I want to. I’m taking advantage of that opportunity now. This is also about you and if anything could ever happen—” She starts to open her mouth and I put up a hand. “I know. Not anytime soon. But someday maybe it could be a possibility. Right now? I don’t think it can work. Not like this. I’d rather move now and know that the opportunity is waiting out there than to remain here.”

  Her eyebrows scrunch up. “You really want to live in Silver Springs and run a café? Devon, it’s the complete opposite of everything you’ve done and built here. The things you once said you wanted that were all part of your dream.”

  “They were once important to me, too. Then I got a job here and had all of that stuff, and I’ve never been so miserable. The past month, being home and with Damion, I’ve felt more normal than I have in two years. This isn’t what I want. It’s what you want. You deserve it. But it’s not mine. The café feels like it could be mine someday.”

  She licks her lips. “This is the real thing then? Not the result of a tantrum because I didn’t fall into your arms?”

  It’s hard not to smile at her recap of my former attitude. “Well, maybe a little of that. But the rest? No, I think this is a good thing for me. And what’s more, I’m going to ask Damion if we could get a place together. I plan to help him take care of Dayshia with all that’s happened to them. And beyond doing that, I plan to truly forgive him, in order to rebuild our bond and remember who we both are. We’ll never go back, and I am eager to move forward.”

  Her head tilts. “You’re serious?”

  “Yes. Completely.”

  She blinks several times. “I guess you’re not just being stupid or man-tantrumming.”

  “No,” I say quietly. “I’m really not just man-tantrumming. Not anymore,” I add with a small, self-deprecating smile. Then I say seriously, “A lot has happened. It made me stop and think. I also started to feel. Feeling is the newest and the hardest part to all of this. But I’m trying to acknowledge it and make it part of my decision. I hope I can start making better ones.”

  She stares at me long and hard, and her expression is stricken. Then she turns her head away. I think she’ll remain quiet so I start to pass her when she suddenly steps closer and grabs me in a hug. A long, tight hug. “A lot has happened. I’m sorry I assumed you were being trite or—”

  “Stupid?” I supply, smiling into her hair. I bury my face between her neck and shoulder. I breathe the scent of her, and all my regrets bubble up inside my chest. But I don’t say them. I don’t throw a man-tantrum. I didn’t know there was such a thing, but it’s quite evident Claudia wants nothing to do with it.

  “Yeah, stupid.” I hear her undertone, however. She’s hurt and sad to let me go.

  She releases me. “It’ll be weird without you.”

  “You’ll handle it without any problems.”

  She nods. “I will. I know your job and most of your projects. You can go whenever you like. I’ll just call you if things come up.”

  I knew that. I smile sadly. “Your dad better watch out. I think you’re better at this than he is. I hoped you’d cover for me.”

  Teasingly, she punches my bicep. “You always overestimate my capabilities.”

  I catch her hand in mine, making her pause. She licks her lips, and her eyes grow large. She shakes her head. “Devon…” Her tone is soft, the polar opposite of her managerial, boss tone. The tender sincerity makes me fight the urge to pull her closer and touch my lips to hers. I see the weariness in her eyes, almost to the point of fear, and it stops me. She still doesn’t trust me. Maybe never. I caused that. I stare into her eyes, trying to realize I might never have a real chance with her. She told me that. She’s always telling me that.

  I reach up and touch her cheek with the edge of my index finger. “I should have done so much better. All along.”

  “Don’t…”

  “I won’t.” I let go of her hand. She breathes easier when our physical contact ends.

  We both turn and stop dead. Cooper is standing in the center of the office. He has a direct view of where we just stood in that intense, however brief, moment. His expression is puzzled. He glances at me, then at Claudia, with his eyebrows furrowed and his mouth twisted down. Claudia responds way too brightly to be natural when she exclaims, “Cooper! Hey. You’re early.”

  She hurries over to him and stops. Lifting up on her tiptoes, she brushes her lips over his cheek. He automatically leans down and gives her better access, but his strange expression remains, and he seems to be examining me. I’m sure he never studied me so closely before.

  I wish this guy were an asshole. I wish he were toxic for Claudia. Then I could be guilt-free to go after her and besmirch him. I could call him out and fucking fight him. But that’s not at all necessary. Cooper is nice and ordinary; it’s hard not to feel guilty for the moment. In our moment, we didn’t do anything behind his back. Not really. Not even emotional cheating. I pushed Claudia to tell me about her feelings, and she resisted. So there was no need for guilt, but my face gets warm all the same.

  “Hi, Cooper,” I say and crap if my voice doesn’t sound higher than normal. I almost feel guilty.

  “Hey…” he politely answers me, glancing down at Claudia. “I finished up work early and thought maybe you could—”

  “I can’t actually. Devon just quit. We were just saying goodbye, and I still need to review his ongoing projects with him before he leaves. Could you wait? Or pick up dinner and bring it back here? How about that?” She’s trying too hard. Her tone of voice is nervously high.

  “Quit?” The relief is evident in Cooper’s drooping shoulders and his tone of voice.

  “Yep. Going to work at my family’s restaurant.”

  “Oh. Wow, good luck with that. And sure, of course, you have to do your work. Call me? I’ll pick you up, and we can get dinner then.” He leans down and kisses the top of her head as he turns with a smile and waves at me to leave. He’s that freaking nice and appropriate. I can’t really top that, can I? The understanding, the trust, and the concern he shows for her career. I could have done that years ago, but instead, I was a jerk. I hurt her and took her for granted. I have to hammer myself good and hard for putting myself in this situation. No one else is responsible.

  She watches him leave and turns back to me. “So I guess you should show me where you are on everything.”

  For two hours, I brief her on the last four years of my life. But hell, we were so entangled work-wise that half of what I did overlapped with her projects. It would result in adding a huge amount of new work to her agenda. “You’ll have to find someone else.”

  “Yes. I can see that. Maybe even two people.” She bumps her elbow into mine without looking at me. “They can’t do half of what you do, even with their combined output.”

  My stomach tightens. Is that what I used to do to her? Offer her casual, affectionate touches and words while letting her think they are all friendly? Did they make her feel hot and strange?

  We finish up at a reasonable place. Tristan departed long ago after shaking my hand and wishing me well. But we promised to see each other when he came to visit Tara in Silver Springs. We would always see each other, so there was no great goodbye.

  But I can’t imagine not seeing Claudia daily. God, I’ll miss her.

  “Well…” I start but she puts her hand up.

  “Don’t get dramatic or say goodbye. See ya. Duh. Everywhere.”

  I give her a small smile. I nod. “See ya… everywhere.” I don’t add and in everything I do. I head towards the stairs when she calls my name.

  “De
von?”

  “Yeah?”

  “Don’t sell the car. It’s too pretty. Keep it.”

  “Can’t afford to. Why? You want to buy it?”

  Shock crosses her face. “I… I can’t.”

  “You could. You’d be sexy as hell driving it.”

  “Don’t…”

  “Not flirting. Just stating a fact. And trying to sell you my car.” With another grin, I wave goodbye. “Just think about it.”

  I exit to start my brand new life.

  Chapter 14

  CLAUDIA

  I stare at Devon’s retreating figure before walking to the window that faces the parking lot. I watch him get into his car and leave. It’s a sexy car. And he really shouldn’t sell it. He always said how much he loved it. The joy on his face when he bought it transcended his affair with Ireena as well as the situation that led his decision to show them up. My heart feels heavy in my chest. I am numb and tired. Did he really quit? Is he really moving to Silver Springs? I can’t believe it. So fast and crazy. It might be a final, desperate bid to get what he thinks he wants from me, and that would be… what? He wants to be with me. And his solution is to leave me? I hate it. I hate the thought of him leaving and being gone. I don’t know how I will stand it. I love working with him. I enjoy seeing him and talking to him, and I rely on his opinions.

  But not enough to run after him.

  I close my eyes and breathe deeply, reminding myself of the many long years I waited and ached and yearned for this. It’s new for Devon. But that doesn’t mean it will last forever. My eyes flutter open. Besides, I already have a boyfriend. I turn back towards my office and pick up my phone to text Cooper. Grabbing my coat and purse, I head downstairs. Cooper and I often car pool since we work in the same office complex and share the same parking lot.

  His car pulls up, and I jump in. We exchange the usual pleasantries. The passing lights of Vancouver make shadows over his face. Quiet descends upon us for a lengthy time, which is usual for us. But I’m a little preoccupied. Yeah, (sigh), with freaking Devon. His resignation today was so unexpected, it almost seems surreal. I hate it. My heart aches whenever I picture tomorrow and the next day and the next not working beside him. Not seeing Devon there when I walk into his office. I can’t imagine going weeks without seeing him. I count on him to have my back when I get sick or fall behind or… Hell. How can I work without him?

  “Things will be pretty different without Devon there, huh?”

  Cooper’s voice startles me from my musings. I glance his way. “Hmm. Oh, yes. It’s definitely a surprise.”

  “You two work pretty closely together, huh?”

  “Yes. We do.”

  “Did you know he had this on his mind?”

  “No. Not at all. It was a shock.”

  He nods. Minutes and streets pass. He slows down for a traffic light. “Claudia, did he quit because of you?”

  “Me?” Startled, I turn towards him, giving him my full attention now. “Why would you ask me that?”

  “I saw him looking at you. And you looking at him. I just never noticed it before, did I? He isn’t like Damion, is he? Not to you. He can’t work with you any longer because of me, can he? And you can’t stand knowing he’s not going to work with you anymore.”

  Wondering if he can read my mind, I grapple with my thoughts for something valid to say. An argument that would change the dynamics of our situation. But I am stumped. “I can live with it. I was just shocked by the timing of it. Plus, he’s really good at his job.”

  “Yeah? So are you. It’s more than that. You weren’t quite over him when we started dating, were you? Dating me was supposed to help that, huh? Only… I don’t think it worked out very well.” His tone is soft and kind. I deserve his anger and a stiff rebuke. But Cooper isn’t like that. I wish he were pettier sometimes.

  I shut my eyes and turn my head so he can’t see my shame. “Okay. I once had strong feelings for him.”

  “Had? No, you have. As in the present tense. I saw how you looked at Devon. It was quite different from how you look at me. I saw you engaged for the first time. I think you try to be with me. Maybe you try too hard. I don’t think it should be that hard. I sensed something was off, but I couldn’t articulate it until now when I saw you with him, caught in the moment like that.”

  “You interrupted absolutely nothing.”

  “Nothing, perhaps, that was said or done, but the passion is still there, so don’t lie to me, Claudia.”

  Still so gentle. His voice doesn’t rise with disgust or annoyance or anger. He should be all of those. I’m ashamed of myself right now. I didn’t mean to do anything wrong, but seeing the person now beside me, I regret how I took advantage of him. I used him, for there is no kind word that describes how I wanted Cooper to nix my feelings for Devon. I suddenly am painfully aware that it was very wrong.

  “I met you just weeks after everything between us collapsed. He didn’t want anything from me beyond friendship, and I finally realized he could not change that. I was determined to move on. I didn’t start dating you because I wanted to get over him. No, I did it to know how it felt to be with someone who had the potential as well as the desire to care for me, too.”

  “I know you care for me, but not as much as you do for Devon. Tell me something, did you plan to date me for years on end? And marry me eventually because you hoped to find a way to love me? For the future, Claudia, that’s not very fair. You could have ruined my life and yours before you figured out that love and affection aren’t the same as being in love.”

  I suck in a deep breath at his chastising. He has a true point. “I thought I could love you, Cooper. I was never that cold-hearted.”

  He sighs audibly. “I know that, too. But seeing you with him without you being aware that I was there is priceless. I saw the look. The real one. The natural one that you can’t hide when you react to him. The one you’ve never had with me. You erected an invisible wall, separating that one part of you from me. I get now why you did it.”

  I close my eyes tightly. “I’m so sorry.”

  “I am, too. Broken hearts hurt, huh? Even when it’s unintentional.”

  “Is it that bad?”

  “Probably the same as Devon’s rejection made you feel.”

  I nod. Sadly. I don’t say more. What more is there to say? I know it’ll only make it worse. I grab the car handle, realizing he brought me home on purpose to say goodbye. “You planned this? To break up with me?”

  “I knew there was no other choice. Not if I expect to be loved back.”

  A suck in a breath. That’s pretty harsh. “I’m so, so sorry.”

  “I am too.” He glumly stares forward. It’s so sad and hollow inside the car. The energy is gone, and the good vibe we used to enjoy is absent. I did this. Something I can’t undo now. But it wasn’t on purpose. That’s all I can cling to and use to justify it. I open the car door and step out. He gives me a last look with a small, polite wave, because he’s that kind of person. The kind I should have loved and adored and ended up with. Instead, I hurt him. I haul myself into my apartment, sitting down in the dark on my couch. I simply sit here. Tired. Sad. Devon’s gone for good. He quit. Cooper left, too, as he should have. I’m all alone. My feelings for Devon haven’t changed. But I’m still unwilling to believe him.

  However, I can no longer discount him, and perhaps that’s what Cooper saw. What I should have seen before and faced up to. I hurt someone because it made it easier for me. I used Cooper to distract me from my true feelings, the ones I’m afraid to feel again. I want to avoid the kind of pain I experienced when I confessed my feelings for Devon. But I shouldn’t have used Cooper.

  Despite my guilt, I am also relieved not to be with Cooper.

  Maybe I should remain alone. I need to make sure I’m healed and whole. I don’t feel like running from one guy just to go to someone else.

  What if Devon was honestly trying to prove himself to me? Offering me all the things I’ve
always wanted? Can I trust him? How and when will I ever know? What would I do if I did believe in him?

  I sigh with my sadness but an odd sense of peace settles over me. Maybe I could see for myself what I think and feel. Maybe I could decide for myself what it all means.

  DEVON

  “What do you think?”

  Damion and I are sitting in his living room, across from each other. Dayshia is between us, and her toys are scattered everywhere. Every flat surface, including the floor, the couch, the ottoman, the coffee table, and both side-tables are covered. Damion needs a housekeeper and right away. But he has to settle for me.

  “You want us to move from where we live, quit our jobs, go home to our parents’ small town, buy a place together, and take over our parents’ business? Am I forgetting anything?”

  “Yeah. I know it sounds impossible. Crazy even—”

  “Yes.” Damion interrupts me. “Yes, I’ll live with you and go home.”

  My mouth is half-open, and it starts to break into a smile. “Yeah?”

  “You sure you want to do this with me?” He shakes his head and presses his temples. “I’m having a hard time. I miss her. And as for Dayshia… it’s all too much.”

  “I know. I can help with that. The Dayshia part, I mean.” I smile down at her. She’s on her stomach, thumbing through one of her cardboard books. “I know nothing about kids, but I can learn.”

  “We can both learn.”

  He watches her for a long moment. What is he thinking? I don’t know. He finally glances up at me. “Why? Why would you do that for me?”

  “Because I love you. I want to rebuild our relationship. Us. Everything.”

  “What I did…”

  “Yeah, it’s pretty much been a roadblock for me. But things have changed. I want to prove that I can change.”

  He rubs a hand over his face. “I fell in love with her. I didn’t mean to. I didn’t intend for any of it to occur. It was a drunken hookup, but I have to admit I had all these… feelings. It cut me in half. I know what we did was wrong. I know it. I just…” He shuts his eyes. “I’m so exhausted. And you’ll never know how sorry I am for what I did to you. I am eternally ashamed for how I ended up with Ireena and Dayshia, yet I wanted both of them. And then…”