With All Her Heart

by Kat Brookes

  Finn just nodded in response.

  Mason inclined his head, and Lila followed him from the kitchen. “Momma is out on the porch.”

  “And Jake?” she asked as they made their way through the house.

  “Taking a walk,” he muttered.

  “At this time of night?” she pressed, thinking about how dark it was out there, even for someone who knew their way around.

  “He’s taking some time to cool off,” he told her as he reached for the front door. “Jake’s not exactly in the most sympathetic mood right now, and I wasn’t about to risk Finn overhearing any sort of confrontation between the two of you. My son’s been through enough tonight.”

  Before she could respond, he swung the door open and stepped out onto the lit porch. Lila followed, easing the door shut behind her. Her stomach churned with growing anxiety, something she hadn’t felt to this level since leaving Sweet Springs with her precious secret.

  Mrs. Landers turned from where she stood at the edge of the porch, looking out into the night. Arms crossed tightly about herself, she looked past Mason to Lila. “I’ve been standing out here having a few words with the Lord tonight, praying for Him to help me understand how it is that I have a grandson I never knew about.” Hurt and confusion wove their way through her words as she spoke. “But it appears He’s busy taking care of matters elsewhere, because He’s given me no answers.”

  “Mrs. Landers,” Lila said, moving past Mason, “I know what a shock this must be for you. I’m so very sorry you had to find out about Finn the way you did this evening.”

  Her gaze locked with Lila’s. “If you hadn’t come home to be with Vera, would I have ever found out I had a grandson? Would my son have ever known he was a father?”

  Lila bit at her bottom lip as she struggled for an answer. Finally, with a shake of her head, she said softly, “I don’t know.”

  “Well, at least you have the ability to be honest when you choose to be.”

  “Momma...” Mason cut in.

  “It’s okay,” Lila told him. “I deserve every bit of what your family’s feeling right now. What you must be feeling, although you’ve been far more restrained with your emotions than...” She fell silent, trying to pull herself together.

  “I loved her, Momma,” Mason said, causing Lila’s gaze to shift his way. “Neither of us meant for things to go the way they did that day. The day her momma and daddy were taken from this earth.”

  Lila bit back a sob, recalling that day with such clarity. Remembering the pain as that long-held dream of someday having her family together again was shattered with one single phone call. Closing her eyes, she fought to push the memories away.

  Gentle arms folded around her, taking Lila by surprise. Her first thought was that it was Mason offering comfort to her, but as she came back to the moment, to the kind hug she was enfolded in, she realized it was Mrs. Landers who had stepped forward to soothe her pain.

  “I’m sorry you ever had to go through that hurt,” she said.

  Lila shook her head. “No, I’m the one who’s sorry. If I had stayed, I would have brought shame to him. To your family. To Mama Tully. Mason wouldn’t have been able to follow in his daddy’s shoes.”

  Mrs. Landers released her and took a step back. “Honey, Mason was never meant to follow his daddy into the service of the Lord. At least, not in the same way. I knew that from the time he was a young boy. His heart lay with this orchard. And with you. He just needed to discover that for himself.”

  “I won’t ask for your forgiveness,” Lila told them both. “I just ask that you don’t hold my actions against my son.”

  “Our son,” Mason corrected.

  “My grandson,” Mrs. Landers said. “And we would never blame Finn for something he had no part in. As for any of us moving past what you’ve done, whatever your reasons for doing so might have been, it’s going to take time. Time to forgive. Time to rebuild the trust that’s been broken. Time to come to terms with the fact that we missed out on over eight years of my grandson’s life, a child my husband never had the chance to know. But with faith there is forgiveness. Trust in the Lord to help mend the emotional divide between you and those you’ve hurt.”

  The hurt and disappointment in her tone were every bit as effective. But they had also offered a glimmer of hope for a chance at forgiveness someday. The urge to reach out to the faith she’d walked away from so long ago was so strong, yet guilt and shame still had her doubting her ability to do so.

  “Speaking of faith,” Mason said determinedly, “Finn will be joining us for Sunday services while he’s here.”

  His momma’s serious expression softened as a smile drew the corners of her mouth upward. “That would be wonderful.” She looked to Lila. “Will you be joining us?”

  “I...uh...” she stammered uneasily.

  “I’ve told her she’s welcome to accompany our son when he joins us for church,” Mason answered for her.

  Lila nodded. “Thank you for offering to include me.”

  “After what she’s done, you’re including her in our lives?”

  Heads turned toward the shadowy figure striding toward the porch. Jake.

  “I think it would be best if Finn joined you for church without me,” Lila said. Her attending Sunday services with them would clearly cause discomfort for Jake and possibly Violet. She wouldn’t add to the upset by being where she wasn’t wanted. Where she wasn’t even sure she would be comfortable.

  “Jake,” Mrs. Landers said as her youngest son stepped up onto the porch, “we need to focus on what’s best for Finn. And if having Lila with him at church makes him more comfortable, then you will need to find a way to set your anger aside. At least for those few hours.”

  Jake bristled, jaw clenching. Then gave a curt nod of acquiescence. “For my nephew’s sake, I’ll leave the past out of God’s house.”

  “Finn and I should get going,” Lila said. “Mama Tully might wake up and need something.”

  “I’ll go get him,” Mrs. Landers offered.

  “I’ll come with you,” Jake said.

  “Jake,” Lila called out as he started after his momma.

  Pausing, he turned to look at her.

  “I’m so sorry for all the hurt I’ve caused you and your family. I hope that someday you might find it in your heart to forgive me.”

  “Save your requests for forgiveness for church,” he stated and then walked away.

  She would do that as well, even though she wasn’t sure if the Lord would welcome her back any more than Jake had.

  “I’ll talk to him,” Mason said behind her.

  “No,” she said, shaking her head. “I will. After the shock of this evening’s events eases, I’ll try again. The same with Violet. They may never accept my apology, but I need to extend it to them all the same.” And to her son, as well. She’d hurt him so deeply. Broken his trust. The look on his face after he’d learned the truth had really brought things home for her. In making the decisions she had, she’d taken so very much away from herself and Finn.

  The screen door opened, and Finn stepped outside with the grandmother he’d never known.

  “He just finished eating his peanut butter and marshmallow sandwich.”

  “What do you tell...” Lila began, and then realized she had no idea how Mrs. Landers would want Finn to refer to her.

  “Gramma Landers works just fine,” the older woman supplied. “And he’s already thanked Violet and me.”

  Lila looked to her son. “Well, then we’d best get going while there’s a speck of moonlight out to guide us.”

  “You’re not walking,” Mason cut in. “Those clouds could shift again at any moment and leave you both wandering about the orchard in the dark. I’ll take you home.”

  Home. Oh, how she wished it still were. But she had given that right up the day
she’d run off.

  Chapter Five

  The ringing of her cell phone drew Lila’s focus from her work emails. Closing the lid of her laptop, she picked up her phone.

  “Addy,” she said, wishing her friend and foster sister was there in person to talk to. But she would be soon.

  “Good morning,” Addy said on the other end of the line. “I thought I would wait until Finn left for church before calling, but I can’t remember what time exactly Sunday service starts.”

  “It doesn’t start until 10:30 a.m. Mama Tully is still getting ready, and Finn is letting the dogs out before we go,” Lila said, her gaze drifting to the nearby window where she had a view of her son. It had been five days since Finn had learned the truth about Mason being his daddy. Today would be Finn’s first Sunday service ever and her first time back in church since leaving Sweet Springs all those years ago.

  “We?” Addy repeated.

  “I’m going with them,” Lila said, trying to ignore the growing whirl of nerves in the pit of her stomach. No matter how anxious she was about stepping through those double doors of the church she’d once found comfort in, she would do so for her son, and to start righting the wrongs she’d done in her past.

  “You are?” Addy said in surprise. “I’m so glad. When we spoke on the phone the other day, you weren’t certain you would be able to do this.”

  “I’m still not,” Lila admitted, “but I’m going anyway.”

  “We used to love going there with Mama Tully.”

  “That was so long ago,” Lila said with a troubled frown. “To be honest—” because she had always been that with Addy “—I’m scared.”

  “It’s not as if lightning is going to strike you down for stepping into the Lord’s house,” Addy teased. Cultivating a sense of humor was how Addy had learned to cope with her childhood, when she’d been living out of her mother’s car. It was either laugh or cry, and Addy had felt the need to be strong for her momma, so she’d held back the tears. Lila hadn’t been able to keep her own tears at bay completely, letting them fall when she was alone in her room at night. But in the light of day she reined in her emotions for her son’s sake.

  “Maybe not physical lightning,” Lila agreed. “But there will definitely be some emotional lightning going on inside that church this morning. Not only between Mason’s family and myself, but with all those attending who will no doubt be shocked to learn Mason Landers has a son.”

  “There’s bound to be lot of questions,” Addy agreed. “But I doubt many of them will be asked while Finn is there. You just have to take this one day at a time and never forget that you didn’t keep your son from him all these years to hurt Mason. You did it because you loved him.”

  “If only I could make Mason understand the why of it.”

  Her friend groaned in frustration. “I wish I could be there with you.”

  “Me, too,” Lila replied, the words choked with emotion. “But you will be. Just a few more days.”

  “About that...”

  “Addy, no,” she gasped. “Please tell me you’re still coming.”

  “I am, but not as soon as I’d hoped to,” her friend replied. “Karen called me last night to give a verbal notice. Not a two-week notice, but an ‘I’m quitting today’ kind of notice that puts me back to square one.”

  “Why did she quit? I thought she liked it there.” Karen was Addy’s assistant pastry chef. Addy had been training her to step in and run things.

  “She did, but she received a head pastry chef offer out of the blue at one of Atlanta’s upscale country clubs. They needed someone who could start right away, leaving her no time to give notice,” Addy explained. “So now I’ll be training a new hire to take over for Karen and, hopefully, he’ll be able to cover for me when I come to Sweet Springs. But it could be a month or more before that happens now. I’m just sorry that all of Mama Tully’s care is falling to you.”

  “I don’t mind,” Lila told her. “I’ve already told you that Finn and I had no other plans this summer. Besides, Mama Tully is getting stronger every day. And you know her—she insists on doing everything herself. Not that I always sit back and allow her to. Even Mason refuses to let her tend to her garden yet.”

  “At least the two of you are on the same page when it comes to Mama Tully,” her friend replied.

  “I hadn’t considered that,” Lila agreed. “If only I knew where his thoughts stood where Finn is concerned.” One thing that wasn’t up in the air was Finn’s thoughts toward her. Her son was nowhere ready to forgive her, but she held out hope that he would come around.

  Her gaze shifted, taking in the smile on her son’s face as he followed the pups back to the house. A smile he was far less free with when she was around. Her son’s forgiveness might be the hardest of all to attain.

  “You might start by asking him.”

  The knot in her stomach tightened. “I’m not sure I want to know.”

  “This isn’t going to go away,” her friend stated, as if Lila needed to be reminded of it. “Especially with Mason living right next door to you all summer.”

  Lila sighed. “I don’t want to lose my son.”

  “Then don’t. Talk to Mason. Work things out with him.”

  Addy was right. She was no longer the young, frightened girl who solved problems by running away from them. She was an adult. A mother whose son would learn from her actions. All the more reason to face the emotional turmoil she’d caused and do whatever she could to set things right. And to do that, she and Mason would need to interact more, set aside their past to focus on their son. While she and Mason had crossed paths on occasion, they hadn’t spent any real time talking things over and she understood why. Like her son, Mason was hurting.

  “Honey, it’s almost time to go.”

  Lila glanced toward the living room entryway, where Mama Tully stood in her Sunday best. “I’m ready,” she assured her. At least, as ready as she’d ever be. “I was just talking to Addy.”

  “Hi, sweetie,” their foster mother called out.

  “Give her my love,” Addy said on the other end of the line.

  “She sends her love,” Lila repeated.

  “I’ll let you go,” Addy said. “Call me later.”

  “I will.” Disconnecting the call, Lila looked up at her foster mother. “Are you sure you’re up for this? You’ve only just gotten home from the hospital.”

  “It’s been days,” Mama Tully said with a swipe of her hand, waving away Lila’s worry.

  “Not long enough for you to be overdoing things.”

  “I’m not going to be tending my garden or chasing Honey and Grits around the yard. I’ll be sitting in a pew at church.”

  Lila supposed she was worrying needlessly. Mama Tully wouldn’t be overexerting herself just sitting there in church, listening to that morning’s sermon. Even so, she’d make certain to find them seats in one of the rear pews. That way, if Mama Tully started feeling poorly during the service, they could slip out without causing any noticeable disruption. Her real hesitation in going had more to do with what she’d admitted to Addy. She was afraid. Church or not, so many would judge her once the truth was out. Judge her actions. Judge her morals. Maybe even judge her as a parent, as so many had done her mother. And though her and her momma’s situations had been completely different, both she and her parents had caused their children emotional pain.

  Mama Tully settled herself onto the floral sofa cushion beside her, placing a comforting hand over Lila’s. “Don’t let your thoughts carry you away to places you’re better off not visiting.”

  “How did you know?” Lila asked with a sad smile.

  “I mothered you for several years,” the older woman replied. “Back when you were sad and scared and always expecting the worse. Not that anyone could blame you after the life you’d had up until that point.” She gav
e Lila’s hand a gentle squeeze. “What I’m trying to say is don’t let the past come back to undo all the good you’ve done with your life. You are not your mother.”

  Tears pricked at the backs of Lila’s eyes. “Thank you for saying that.”

  “Why wouldn’t I?” Mama Tully said with a loving smile. “It’s the truth. Sure, there are a few wrongs that need to be righted, but I have faith you will see it done. And if it takes another week, even two, for you to be ready to step inside that church again, then so be it. I’m sure Finn and I can ride into town with Mason.”

  A week or two wasn’t going to change anything. Lila knew that. Forgiveness might never come from Mason and his family, and she would have to accept that. Although she prayed it would someday. She also needed the Lord’s forgiveness for having forsaken Him for so long. Needed to be there that morning for her son’s introduction to the Lord...and her own reintroduction.

  Lila shook her head. “This is something I need to do. But thank you for understanding.”

  Warmth filled the older woman’s smile. “I know you’re a grown woman, so you’re past needing my guidance. But I can offer you my support along with a willing ear whenever you have the need to talk.”

  “I will never be too old to appreciate your words of guidance,” Lila told her, meaning it with all her heart. Mama Tully was the only mother her heart had ever known.

  “I’ll keep that in mind.” With another gentle squeeze of Lila’s hand, Mama Tully eased to her feet. “I’ll be sure to offer up a prayer for you during this morning’s services, asking the Lord to see you through the emotionally difficult days you have ahead of you with Mason.”

  “I’m pretty sure the Lord is going to be taking Mason’s side in this,” Lila stated as she pushed to her feet.

  “Now, Lila,” Mama Tully said in a gently scolding voice, “the Lord doesn’t take sides. He loves us all equally. Now, go get your purse. I’ll be out on the porch with Finn.”