Merry Little Lies

by Addison Lloyd

  “Absolutely.”

  “Really?”

  “Sure,” Cian said. “I don’t know if it’s a good idea or not, but I think I’m helpless to say no to you.”

  “That’s very useful information to have.” I moved closer and I picked up the knife to cut a large piece of chocolate cake.

  He chuckled. “Don’t take advantage of it.”

  I slipped the cake onto his plate. “It’s too late for that,” I said. “I plan to take full advantage.”

  We sat at the island in the kitchen, the buzz of the party played in the background.

  “What will you guys be doing tomorrow?” I asked.

  “Besides celebrating Christmas?”

  I poked at my caked, avoiding his eyes. I used to be able to talk to people. What was wrong with me?

  “Hey,” Cian said, touching my hand and saving my cake from total destruction. “It’s fine. I don’t mind talking about it. My sister Emily and her husband come over and with baby Theo. she's the sweetest thing you ever saw. Theo. Not my sister.” His eyes sparkled when he talked about his niece. “And my mom and gran are there.” The sparkle faded. “My dad doesn’t come. But my mom always invites him.”

  “It has to be hard with your brother not there.” I watched his face for signs. I didn’t want to upset him. “This is my first Christmas without my grandma. I didn’t see her as much as I should have because…” I shrugged. I didn’t want to talk about that. Why had I brought it up?

  “All the family stuff?”

  “Yeah.” I pushed back on the guilt. I could pick at that wound later. Right now, I wanted to focus on him.

  “Teddy loved Christmas.” He had a sad but fond look on his face. “Some years we just went through the motions. But then Theo came along. Seeing Christmas through the eyes of a child, brings back the magic. This year she’s old enough to get it. I’m actually looking forward to tomorrow. What about you?”

  “My dad and I go to my aunt and uncle’s house for the family get together. So that’s fun.”

  “Aunt Kay?”

  I nodded. Aunt Kay wasn’t my favorite person but without her, Cian and I might not have met. “And afterward Dad usually has work to do and I hang out with Jade.”

  “He works on Christmas?”

  “Business never sleeps. Literally, since the markets are open somewhere in the world no matter what the time.”

  “What does your dad do?”

  “He owns an investment firm.” I didn’t mention that he wanted me to take that firm over one day. Something I wasn’t sure I wanted to do.

  Cian stared at his plate which was now empty. Something seemed to be on his mind.

  “What?” I asked.

  He gave me that shy smile I loved. “What’s the deal with you and Jade?”

  “I told you we were just friends.”

  “I know but…you spend a lot of time together.”

  “Jealous?” I couldn’t resist teasing him.

  “No.” But the blush on his face told another story. “Stop staring at me.”

  “I can’t,” I said, honestly.

  His blush darkened, and he peeked up at me through his lashes. “I got you a present.”

  I almost missed his words, because I was thinking about how much I wanted to kiss him.

  “You did?”

  “It’s not much.”

  At this point I was beginning to think the blush was there permanently. Fine by me. “Can I have it?”

  “It’s in my car. I didn’t know you’d be here.”

  “Can we go out and get it?” I was excited about the present just because he picked it out. But the thought of stealing a few minutes away with him was the real reason I suggested it.

  He grinned. “Let’s go.”

  We cleaned up our mess, and I followed him out to his car. Our path took us through the living room and past the rest of the group. Carli and Jade watched us the whole time. Once we were seated in Betsy, Cian started the car. It was too cold not to. I resisted the urge to look back at the house. Were Carli and Jade watching through the windows?

  “It’s really nothing,” Cian said. “I don’t want to get your hopes up.”

  “It doesn’t matter what it is.” The sleeves of his shirt were pushed up, and I touched his arm, enjoying the feel of the hair under my thumb. “You bought me a present.” He didn’t spend money lightly and yet he spent it on me.

  He reached into the center console and pulled a beautifully wrapped present with a gold bow on top.

  I tried to swallow the emotion lodged in my throat. I couldn’t remember the last time I’d gotten this emotional over a present. I slowly unwrapped it, careful with the packaging.

  “You can just tear it,” he said nervously.

  I nodded ripping it open, and then I laughed.

  “I hope that's a good laugh not a you’re-an-idiot laugh.”

  “Well, you are an idiot.” I smiled at him. “You didn’t need to get me anything. But I do like it.”

  “Are you sure?”

  “It's perfect. It’s got a knife, screwdriver, some kind of clipper thing. Every tool I could ever need. Thank you.”

  “Not everything. But if you want to fix something…” He shrugged. “I know it’s lame--”

  I couldn't take it anymore. I shut him up with a kiss. I meant it to be sweet, but it quickly turned into something more.

  THIRTEEN:

  CIAN

  Kissing Aaron was officially the best thing about this party. And it set a high bar for next year. I wanted to savor this moment. His firm lips, the scrape of stubble against my skin, a slight taste of the chocolate cake.

  He nibbled kisses my chin and my jaw and worked his way to a spot on my neck right under my ear, leaving me breathless.

  “Aaron,” I whispered, managing to find my words.

  He pulled back, smiling at my flushed face. A gave me a quick kiss that promised more and threaded our fingers together. “I got you something, too.”

  “It’s not…you shouldn’t…” Ugh. Words were hard. But I loved holding hands with him. I felt tethered.

  “It’s in my car.”

  “Really?” Excitement zipped through me. It wasn’t about the present. He thought of me.

  “Should we go get it?”

  “In a minute,” I said pulling him in for another kiss.

  We stopped after a few minutes, trying to catch our breaths. The windows were fogged up, and someone might soon come out to investigate. And it was even odds on whether it was Carli or Jade.

  He led me around to the back of his Land Rover, holding my hand. Which was helpful because I almost slipped on the slushy snow. He opened the back and gave me nervous look. I bit my lip trying not to laugh. He was so worried. I didn’t care what he got me.

  But the package he pulled out was a familiar shape wrapped in brown paper. My throat felt dry and my pulses jumped all off the charts. Maybe I was wrong. I hoped so. “What is it?”

  “Go ahead and open it,” he said.

  My hands shook as I slipped my finger in to carefully open the wrapping. Pulling the paper away, my stomach dropped. I wasn’t wrong. But it wasn’t just a painting. It was the one from the gala. The one we’d both liked so much.

  “Aaron.” I couldn’t think. The thought that this beautiful painting could be mine warred with the knowledge that I couldn’t accept it. “It’s too much.”

  “No. Ce, please. I want you to have it.”

  I almost touched the ridges of the paint. The texture of strokes that created this stunning creation. Could I accept it? “It is beautiful.”

  “Don’t think about it.” He reached up and tucked a stray piece of hair behind my ear.

  I pulled it further out to get the full effect of the painting when a small piece of paper fluttered to the floor of the SUV. Aaron reached for it, but I got to it first.

  My hand shook as I read it. It contained the name of the artist and the painting, a little about the painting and
a thank you note. I smiled. What would it feel like to sell a painting? To have someone enjoy something I’d made. Enough that they’d even pay for it. The bottom of the note had the price.

  I dropped the paper and felt the edge of blackness pressing in. This couldn’t be right. My eyes flew to Aaron’s face. He’d gone white.

  “Cian.”

  I shook my head, trying to clear it so I wouldn’t pass out. “I can't believe you spent this much.”

  “Let me explain.”

  “No.” I stepped back, shoving my hands in my jacket pocket. “Is this a joke to you?”

  “Of course not.” He shook his head and reached for me. I backed up.

  “I buy you a fifteen-dollar tool set and—”

  “I love it, Cian. I do.”

  “And you get me a ten-thousand-dollar painting?”

  “Oh, fuck.” He’d gone even paler.

  “This isn’t going to work, Aaron.” I tried to stop the tears. I didn’t want to cry in front of him. But how could he not see how hopeless this was?

  “Just let me explain, okay—”

  “No,” I shouted. “It's not okay. You can't spend that kind of money on someone you met less than a week ago. We’re not even dating.” I turned to trudge back to the house. I couldn’t do this.

  “Cian,” he said, his footsteps behind me. “I honestly didn’t know it cost that much.”

  I turned and stormed back to him, my boots slushing through the snow. “You think that makes it better? That you can spend ten-thousand-dollars without even realizing it? It could have been a million.”

  “Not a million,” he said quietly.

  “The point is, Aaron.” I was in his face. I couldn’t even think. I was so angry. “You had no idea you were spending ten-thousand-dollars and yet I count pennies to get a cup of coffee or to buy a cheeseburger off the dollar menu because that's all I've got. And I hope I have enough to cover the tax.”

  His lips tightened. “I’m sorry about your situation. But I’m not apologizing for having money. My dad has worked hard. Hell, he works all the time.”

  “You don’t get it. I’m not complaining about my life. But we don’t live in the same world. And this,” I said, indicating the both of us, “this is never going to work.”

  “So, you’re not gonna try.” He crossed his arms, his voice tight. “Because I got you a nice present.”

  Did he really say that? I wasn’t going to cry. I wasn’t. “That’s not the reason and you know it.”

  “What I know is that you’ve been lying to me from the moment I met you. And I’m trying, but you…” He shook his head, turning away from me.

  “What?”

  “Never mind,” he said. “You’re right. It can’t work. What’s the point in trying?” He brushed past me and stomped in toward the house.

  “Go ahead, Aaron. Just run away,” I called after him. “You’re good at that.”

  Once I was inside and my boots and coat were off, I stomped over to sit next to Carli. I didn’t see Aaron, but Jade glared at me letting me know I was the bad guy here. What did he know? Carly squeezed my leg, and I gave her a weak smile.

  Everyone celebrated around me, singing Christmas songs and telling stories. I couldn’t focus on anything but the hollow pit in my stomach. I was angry at Aaron for bailing instead of talking it out, but the present wasn’t his fault. Not really. We were too different. It was never going to work out and I’d known that from the start.

  At some point, Aaron returned to the room, but he avoided looking in my direction.

  “Hey.” Carli reached over and squeezed my hand. “You okay?”

  I shook my head. No point in pretending. I could even muster a smile.

  “Rob won’t say so, but I think he’s wiped.” She winked at me.

  I found my smile. She was giving me an out. I glanced over at Rob. He did look tired. So that may have been some of it. “Thanks,” I said, giving her a kiss on the cheek.

  We left after that. I somehow made it through the goodbyes. Did everyone see that my heart was breaking? Which was ridiculous considering I barely knew Aaron. But I’d let myself hope. And to feel that hope die ruined me.

  I missed being numb. Being able to push the pain away so I could do what I needed to do.

  Focus on school. Focus on getting into a good college. Focus on getting a good job with healthcare. The same mantra I’ve had for the last few years.

  The same mantra I had before Aaron.

  FOURTEEN:

  AARON

  Cian was angry with me. I got that. But I wasn’t sure I understood why. Maybe I shouldn’t have given him an expensive painting. It wasn’t really a Christmas gift. It was more of a ‘this reminded me of you’ gift that happened at Christmas. That was a thing, right?

  I wanted to talk about it, but I couldn't. It reminded me too much of countless nights trying to distract Carli while our parents screamed at each other. Hateful things that created wounds that never healed.

  I couldn’t get Cian’s face, angry and accusing, out of my head. We were already arguing about money, and we hadn’t even gone on a date. What chance did we have? The thought of Cian and I ending up like my mom and dad, barely able to be the same room together? Hating each other? It was unbearable. I couldn’t look at him. This was the right thing to do. End it now.

  But the joy on his face when he gave me his gift and the sweetness of his kisses tortured me. I should have left the party long ago, but I wanted to wait until after Cian left and then…I wanted to talk to the only other person who could really understand.

  “I'm taking off,” dad said. “You guys staying?” We’d brought separate vehicles for this very reason. Dad usually left early because of work. I didn’t matter what was going on.

  “Are we staying, Aaron?” Jade asked. He stared at me waiting for an answer. He’d been doing a version of this since I’d returned to the house after the thing with Cian. I’d refused to talk to him. I wasn’t ready.

  I nodded, and he rolled his eyes at me.

  “You have to talk sometime,” he said in a lower voice.”

  I glanced at my dad, but he was talking to Mom.

  “I don’t have anything to say.”

  His eyes softened. “Hon. Are you sure you don’t want to go? We can go to my house and gorge on ice cream and watch Grease.”

  “Grease?

  “Okay, fine. We can binge Star Wars for the millionth time.”

  I chuckled. I didn’t always deserve Jade. “Tempting. But you do remember it’s Christmas Eve, right?”

  “Shoot. My mom’s got things planned for us with Ted.”

  “Ted was last month.”

  “I mean…” Jade stared off as if trying to remember.

  I didn’t buy it. “Dan?”

  He snapped his fingers. “Dan. That’s right.”

  “You have a near-perfect memory, Jade.”

  He ran his fingers through his hair, pulled it up into a man-bun, and fastened it with the hair tie he kept on his wrist. His favorite stalling tactic. “What’s the point in remembering if it’s going to change in a month. Or a week.”

  I laughed. “I thought you liked your mom’s free spirit. Emulated it even.”

  “Why are we talking about me?” He waved his hand around. “When you’re the one with the crushed heart.” He pulled me close, so I was leaning on him.

  “My heart isn’t crushed.”

  “Mmhmm.”

  But I didn’t argue any more. Arguing took energy I didn’t have. He rubbed my back.

  “I screwed up.”

  “I know honey.”

  I sat up. “Why do you assume it was my fault?”

  “Lucky guess?”

  The sounds of dishes clanking together drifted in from the kitchen. When had everyone else left? I should help clean up. But I didn’t. I moped while Jade tried to cheer me up. Pathetic.

  “You need to talk to someone.” Jade lifted my chin and lightly slapped my face.
r />   “I know.”

  “Ugh. You’re going to make me say it, aren’t you?” He took a deep breath. “I’m here if you need to talk about your angsty feelings, Aaron.”

  I hid my smile. Jade loved drama. Loved it. Except when it involved real feelings and someone he cared about. Then, for some reason, he shut down. “I do need to talk to someone,” I said. “But I think I need someone who knows Cian.” We both looked up at Carli, wiping off the table.

  “Thank God.” Jade stood up and pulled me with him. “I think she needs a break.”

  I hugged him tight. “Thanks.”

  He gave me an extra squeeze and let go. “Hey, Carli doll, let me finish that for you.” Jade walked over to her and took the dish cloth out of her hands. He nodded his head toward me and said a few words I couldn’t hear.

  I ducked my head. This was pathetic. I was pathetic.

  “Hey, bro,” she said. “What’s up.” She stood next to me with her hands in her back pockets, avoiding my gaze. It reminded me we’d lost the closeness we once had.

  Screw that. I hugged her, trying not to break down. “I messed up.”

  “Huh. This is unexpected.” But she held me tight, until I pulled away.

  “Sorry,” I said.

  “Don’t be. Do you want to go upstairs and talk?”

  I nodded, grateful that I didn’t have to ask. I didn’t want Mom to hear us talking.

  Once we were in her room, she plopped down on her bed and motioned for me to sit in her fluffy pink folding chair. “I expected you to deny everything.”

  “Desperate times,” I said. “I need help with this thing with Cian?”

  “I didn't even know there was a thing.”

  “Really?”

  She laughed. “No. Not really. Are you kidding me? I haven't seen Cian smile this much since, I don't know when. It was definitely before Teddy.”

  That made my heart ache. Just a bit. But it also made me smile. “Really?”

  “He was always texting someone. And he never blushed over Rob’s texts. I knew something was up.” She paused for a moment, studying my face. “So, you made a move on my fake boyfriend.”

  “Don't worry,” I said. “He didn't tell me it was fake.”

  “That's supposed to make me feel better? Thinking you were making the moves on my real boyfriend?”