Finding Joy

by Adriana Herrera

  “Saba,” I said, trying to convey a clear don’t do this. She sniffled, pulling me in for a tighter hug, and I let out a flustered laugh, almost ready to cry myself. “No no no, none of that. You’re coming to visit in December! Stop it!”

  “Yes, I will see you and your mama for the holidays, but it’s been so nice to have you here.” She kissed my forehead and pulled back to look at me. “You’ve grown up so fine, Desta Joy. I’m so glad you finally came to see your other homeland. We want you back soon.”

  I nodded, swallowing down tears, certain I would return. “I’ll be back.”

  Saba walked out to the car with me. I put my bag in the trunk and greeted Tefare with a few shoulder bumps.

  “Are you ready to go home?” He smiled at me like he knew it was not an easy question to answer.

  “I think so.”

  He shrugged, looking between me and Saba. “We will be waiting for you. You have this land in your heart and in your name.”

  “I do,” I said, feeling the truth in his words.

  I was about to get in the car when Saba touched my shoulder and pulled something out of her pocket. It was an envelope. On the back I saw the familiar handwriting, and just one word.

  Konjo.

  I took it from her slowly. “He was here?”

  “He dropped it off the night before you got back.” She gave me that same grin she’d been sending my way whenever Elias came up and raised her shoulder feigning innocence. “We’ve been getting to know each other.”

  I just stood there, dumbstruck while she wagged a finger at me. “Don’t open it until you’re on the plane.”

  I scoffed, glaring at her. “Are you kidding me?”

  “He asked me to make you promise.”

  “Saba!” I could not believe this shit.

  She waved me off smiling. “Get in the car. You’ll miss your plane. I promise you don’t want to read it now.”

  I blinked at her, still processing the last minute.

  I opened my mouth to ask what her tone meant. She sounded amused, but there was certainly nothing to laugh about as far as I could tell. “So you’re not going to tell me.”

  “I am not. And really, Desta, you need to get in the car,” she said with urgency, ushering me toward Tefare.

  “I thought you said I was fine with time,” I huffed as I got in, but at the last second I blew her a kiss as we drove away, the envelope from Elias burning a hole in my jacket pocket.

  After a few minutes we were on the road to the airport, and Tefare looked in the rearview mirror with a knowing expression on his face. “So? Did you find what you came looking for, Desta?”

  I smiled and closed my eyes before I answered. “That and more, my friend.”

  I got to my gate with some time before boarding and found an empty chair to wait. Since I’d arrived at the airport, I’d been playing a game with myself to see how long I could go without tearing into Elias’s note. I’d run a hand over it. Take it out of my pocket to make sure it was there. I moved it to my backpack and finally put it back where it was closest to me.

  But now that the moment when I could read it was getting nearer, I felt afraid. What if this was just a final goodbye? What if he just didn’t want to have to tell me in person? But I decided that it couldn’t be that. Elias wouldn’t do that to me.

  I took a deep breath, reaching into my pocket, and pulled it out. I read the letters on the back again, ran my fingers over them.

  I decided that no one needed to know if I opened it twenty goddamn minutes earlier than I was supposed to. How much fucking restraint was a person expected to have?

  I pushed my finger under the flap, tore it open, then pulled out the paper. There were only three lines. I read them quickly, gasping as the words sank in.

  I chose myself, konjo, and you, if you still want me.

  I will see you very soon.

  Love, Elias

  I wasn’t sure what that meant, but with everything in me I believed he would keep that promise.

  I closed my eyes as tears streamed down my face, the tightness in my chest I’d been trying to ignore for days finally loosening. Sensing the meaning of those words seeping into my bones. The relief of being certain that I hadn’t been in this alone.

  In the distance I heard an announcement that they would start boarding in a few minutes, and I pocketed the note, trying to get myself together. Suddenly I felt someone standing close to me, and what sounded like Elias’s low, husky chuckle coming from above.

  “I told Saba you wouldn’t wait.”

  I snapped my head up and saw him only a couple of feet away. He was wearing his leather jacket, gray scarf, red Chucks, and the most beautiful smile I had ever seen on his face. I stood up fast, knocking over my laptop bag, and almost jumped him before I remembered where I was.

  I couldn’t just kiss him. I had to keep my head. This was not me realizing my lover—who I thought I might never see again—was actually getting on the flight home with me. Elias and I couldn’t be that to each other here. No, right now I was just saying hello to a friend.

  Touching him always made everything simpler, so I closed the small distance between us as my body shook so violently my teeth chattered. I could see a flutter in Elias’s cheek; he was working as hard as I was to keep from grabbing me.

  “You’re here,” I gasped, still astonished he was standing in front of me.

  That smile again. “I am, and I’m going to New York. I’ll need to come back to Addis before classes start, but this is it…”

  “Can we say a proper hello?” I asked, shaking like a leaf.

  He let go of the death grip he had on the handle of his carry-on, and we moved to bump our shoulders together. As our bodies touched, I could feel the shivers running through him, and I was sure he could feel mine. We pressed together one shoulder, then the other, and finally thumped each other hard on the back.

  “It’s good to see you, Desta,” he breathed out, and I could hear the depth of emotion he was feeling in the trembling in his voice.

  I shuddered out a breath that felt like it was coming from the deepest place in my soul. “You too.”

  After a moment we separated and moved to sit beside each other, waiting for the plane to board. We had to look ridiculous with the giddy grins we both had on our faces, and I did not care in the slightest.

  “So how did it go with your parents? I was so worried.”

  He shook his head, smiling sadly. “Better than I expected, actually. My dad especially has always prided himself on being counter-culture,” he said, amused. “So he was pretty good about it. My mother was shocked, but she’s coming around. Mostly they want me to be happy. I think it’s also easier for them that I’ll be in the States where things are better, at least when it comes to this. My sister already knew. Or at least she says she did.”

  I exhaled, the last bit of tightness melting off my shoulders. “I’m so glad.”

  He gave me a regretful look, and I saw him fist his hand from where it was right by mine. “I’m sorry I didn’t get in touch, but once I decided I wanted to try to leave with you, I had a million things to do, and it wasn’t certain until almost the last minute that I’d be able to pull it off. Saba was a lot of help. She was able to get my visa expedited, and Bonnie was great at helping me get all my paperwork in for my resignation from Aid. It’s been hectic.”

  I shook my head in disbelief. “I can’t believe no one told me anything! Traitors.”

  He laughed. “It was supposed to be a surprise.”

  “Well, I was shocked, so good job.” I tried to sound annoyed, but I was so clearly ecstatic he wasn’t buying it.

  We sat there in silence, grinning at each other for the next couple of minutes, and with every second I got more desperate to get on the damn plane. Thankfully boarding started, and soon we were walking onto the plane together.

  As we shuffled along the bridge, I felt like I was literally heading into a new life.

  Once i
n the plane, we didn’t have seats together, of course. I’d gotten an upgrade to business class and Elias was in the back of the plane. He looked at me ruefully and pointed in the direction of his seat. “I’ll see you in New York City.”

  I balked and grabbed his jacket, refusing to let him out of my sight. “Hell no. We’re sitting together. Here—” I said, looking at the seat number on his boarding pass. “Let’s go to yours. I’ll give mine to the person sitting next to you.”

  Now it was his turn to balk. “That’s a business class seat. Why would you do that?”

  I looked up at him with the most pissed-off face I could manage while also experiencing delirious levels of happiness. “Because the man I love is in row twenty-eight, and that’s where I will be on this long-as-hell flight.”

  “Okay, Desta.” He cracked up and kept shuffling along to the end of the plane. God, I wanted to weep. I thought I’d never hear him say my name again.

  We got to his seat, which was in the middle of the plane. After a ten-second exchange, a very happy middle-aged Ethiopian man walked off to take my business class seat, and Elias and I took our aisle and window seats.

  We got busy with the business of settling into a long flight, stowing luggage, getting the things we’d need, and chatting with other passengers. Soon they were announcing that the plane was closed and we were next for takeoff.

  I placed the complimentary blanket over our laps and looked for Elias’s hand under it. He clutched it tight and brought our intertwined hands out from under the covers, placing them right where everyone could see. I looked around worriedly, but he shook his head.

  “No more hiding.”

  I nodded, my throat tightening. The plane taxied out before I could find my voice, and within seconds we were airborne.

  Elias never let go of my hand.

  I sat there waiting for the lights to go out, as if that were the sign, the confirmation this was actually happening.

  As soon as they did, I turned around and pressed my face to his cheek. “I’m going to kiss you now.”

  He turned so that our lips were pressed to each other, and he mouthed the words.

  Eshi, konjo.

  Epilogue

  New York City

  August

  * * *

  “You’re going to be late for your first day of class,” I yelled from the kitchen.

  After a few seconds Elias stepped out from our bedroom, looking delicious in a red T-shirt and jeans, his feet still bare. I smiled when I looked down at the “coffee bean” on his toe.

  “If we’re late, it’s because someone woke up wanting to do things to me,” he said playfully, and put his arms around my waist.

  I shivered, remembering how many things I’d done to him this morning, right before he returned the favor.

  Sometimes it still felt like a dream that we were here. That five months ago we’d left Ethiopia together and now were living in New York City.

  As soon as we’d landed, it was as though our lives had never been separate. We’d gotten into the sublet Lucía found us, which we eventually took over because Norma’s brother had decided to stay in Madrid for another year. We loved our little studio, and our neighborhood. Elias had gotten on great with Lucía and Moe, and loved working with his advisor. As for me, I had my first MSW class in the afternoon downtown at NYU, but before that I was going to my job as a counselor for an agency working with homeless LGBTQ youth. I loved everything about my job and could not wait to start my classes.

  Elias squeezed me tight as he nosed my hair. “What are you thinking, konjo?”

  “That I’m really fucking happy right now. Like ‘pinch me, play the lotto’ levels of happy.”

  He gave me that amused expression he sometimes had when I said something very farenji-sounding, and kissed me as he moved to get some coffee.

  He passed me a mug and we stood there sipping our coffee and grinning at each other before we heard the ring from a Whatsapp call coming from Elias’s phone. He grabbed it and smiled as he tapped on the screen.

  “Is it your mom?”

  He nodded and waved me over to where he was standing. I pressed in close to him and looked at her smiling face on the screen. “I wanted to wish you good luck in your first day. Both of you. We’re so proud of you, Eli.”

  “Amaseganallo, Mama.” His voice was full of emotion as he thanked her.

  I nodded at her and did the same. “Thank you. We’re excited to start.”

  She nodded at us with watery eyes as Elias’s dad waved from his spot on the couch. Elias had returned home on his own over the summer, and that visit seemed to have made things easier with his parents. Over the past few months, communication with them had gotten more and more comfortable, and these days, most of the calls involved easy smiles and lots of teasing about Elias’s new American life.

  “Call me tomorrow to tell me how it went, Eli. You, too, Desta.”

  We both agreed and said our goodbyes. Soon we were grabbing our bags and heading out the door. We walked out to a sunny summer day in Manhattan. It was only seven thirty in the morning, but humidity was probably at a hundred percent already. I was sweating by the time we took our first step onto the pavement, hand in hand. We walked the two blocks to the train together as we always did, and once again I could barely believe this was my life.

  We got to the corner and moved to the side so we could say goodbye. I would take the train a few stops uptown to 161st Street, and he’d go across the street to catch the downtown one to 116th. Like he did every day, Elias grabbed my face and kissed me goodbye.

  “Have a good day. See you at home, konjo.”

  As I stood at the entrance to the subway, I turned around to look at him one more time, and called out as he crossed the street, “Eshi, love.”

  Thank you for reading, Don’t miss my next release!

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  For more info about the author visit adrianaherreraromance.com

  Author’s Note

  My partner and I moved to Addis Ababa, Ethiopia only a couple of months after we got married. We were there for a year and then returned when our daughter was just a few months old, and lived there until she was three. Just like Desta’s father I consider Ethiopia the homeland of my heart.

  We met friends there that became family, and we learned to love that country and its people with a deep passion. The beauty and history of Ethiopia are unmatched, and almost ten years after leaving it, I still miss it. This book is my love letter to a place I adored and that adored me right back.

  Even though Elias is a fictional character the challenges faced by the LGBTQI+ in Ethiopia are very real. Many have had to seek exile in other countries in order to live and love openly and without fear. The House of Guramayle is an organization whose mission is to advocate for the safety and health of the Ethiopian LGBTQI+ community. For more information on how to support their work, visit their website at: https://houseofguramayle.org/

  Acknowledgments

  Finding Joy was the first story I sat down to write. I am filled with gratitude that it is now out in the world and for those who helped me in this journey.

  To my partner, Andrew, whose wanderlust matches mine perfectly and when we met had already set his eyes on Ethiopia. A place that is such a big part of our love story.

  To all the friends and colleagues who in the last few years have read versions of this book and given me such valuable feedback.

  To Mackenzie Walton, my editor. You really helped me find ways to make Desta Joy and Elias shine, thank you.

  To Leni Kauffman who created the beautiful illustration for this cover. I wanted two brown, queer men embracing in joy, and I wanted the beautiful Ethiopian savanna in the background. That was exactly what I got.


  To my writing community, you are such a support and blessing.

  And finally to Ethiopia, I cherish the years I called Addis Ababa home. To every person I met in that time who made me feel welcome and like I was exactly where I needed to be.

  About the Author

  Adriana was born and raised in the Caribbean, but for the last fifteen years has let her job (and her spouse) take her all over the world. She loves writing stories about people who look and sound like her people, getting unapologetic happy endings.

  When she’s not dreaming up love stories, planning logistically complex vacations with her family or hunting for discount Broadway tickets, she’s a trauma therapist in New York City, working with survivors of domestic and sexual violence.

  Her Dreamers series, has been featured on Entertainment Weekly, The Washington Post, NPR, and was one of the TODAY Show on NBC’s Hot Beach Reads picks. She’s one of the co-creators of the Queer Romance PoC Collective. Visit her at: adrianaherreraromance.com