Finding Joy

by Adriana Herrera

  That was like a punch in the gut, because once again Elias was telling me the truth, never promising things that would make him betray what he’d said to me. “I don’t know much about anything, but I am certain that I’ll never be sorry for you.”

  I nodded, literally biting my tongue from the need to beg him to assure me that we would be all right, that this would not be the last time I saw him. I needed to not add to the already overwhelming weight on his shoulders, to not be one more person in his life burdening him with their own needs and wants. I sat there, barely able to take a breath, knowing the hope I’d been harboring in the past few weeks had to be snuffed out, for both our sakes.

  I felt someone shaking me, and I looked up. “Desta. I’m going to go inside to tell my mother I’m taking you home.”

  “Okay.” I watched Elias get out of his car and walk up to his house, his shoulders straight and his head high, face determined. Looking at him being so brave, I swore to myself that if I ever got the chance to be with this man, I would do everything in my power to live up to that kind of courage and dignity.

  He was only in the house a few minutes before he got back in the car and drove us out of the compound. His face was completely expressionless. I was too scared to ask how it went, so I sat in silence until we arrived at my guesthouse.

  I assumed Elias would leave me by the entrance and head home, but he parked the car inside and got out with me. All the way up the stairs, the heavy silence was suffocating. I opened the door to the room and Elias walked inside as I followed him in.

  As soon as the door was locked, we moved toward each other and embraced, Elias gripping me with such force that I almost whimpered. I was afraid to ask if this was goodbye. I was so scared I would never see him again.

  “Konjo, I’m going to go soon, and I can’t promise you that I will see you before you return home. I have things to take care of so I can go to New York.”

  I nodded as I held on to him my eyes shut tightly. “Okay. I know.”

  He shook his head. “Desta, look at me.”

  I didn’t want to. I wanted to hide, knowing in my heart this was the end. That once again I had done this to myself. Put my heart out to be destroyed and in the process, brought along someone else who could face terrible consequences.

  A sob escaped my throat, and Elias pulled back. “Don’t cry, konjo, please. Don’t cry for me.”

  “I’m afraid I’ll never see you again,” I said, feeling so fucking miserable.

  “Shhh.” He made soothing noises, looking at me with concern, but still he didn’t tell me I was wrong in thinking we were over. I squeezed my eyes shut, forcing my tears to dry, to stop this.

  When I looked at him his face was serious, but he wasn’t shying away from what he needed to say. “I can’t make you a promise I do not know I can keep, but it’s not because I don’t love you.”

  I couldn’t speak, but Elias went on. “It may not be soon, but we will see each other again.”

  I glanced up at him and barely saw him with my eyes full of tears. “What if it’s not the same?” I asked, unable to hold all my doubts from spilling out.

  “It won’t be the same. Our time together like this is over. We may have a chance at something different.” He lifted a shoulder, clearly as unsure as I was about any future for us. “But you must believe in what we made together.”

  How was he this strong?

  I shuddered out a breath. “Okay.”

  We embraced again, and our kisses tasted so much like sorrow. Like an ending.

  I watched out the window of my room as Elias got in his car and drove away, going home to face his parents and tell his truth. I wiped my eyes with my sleeve and grabbed my laptop, which was sitting on my desk, and decided to Skype my mother.

  Like Elias, before I could start the next part of my life, I needed to come clean to the person who mattered the most to me. Even if it meant breaking her heart.

  Chapter 25

  As I readied to call my mom, my mind raced, thinking about Elias and the agony he was clearly going through. Yet he was determined to tell his parents everything before he left Ethiopia. No matter how things turned out, he was willing to face the consequences in order to live his truth. And here I was just days from having to go back to the States, still as lost as I’d been when I got here.

  That wasn’t true though. I knew. I’d known before I got on the plane in DC. And what was more, I was ready. I just needed to show up to my own life and stop using the people I loved as excuses to not live for myself.

  Determined, I opened the Skype app and clicked the icon to video call my mother. After only a few seconds, I saw her smiling face.

  “Mijo.”

  I smiled back at her and took a deep breath. “Hey, Mamí. I wanted to tell you about how my plans have changed.”

  She widened her eyes and brought her face closer, worry lines etched around her mouth. “Are you all right? You’re worrying me, Desta.”

  I shook my head, resisting the urge to reassure her, to say whatever I needed to in order to make her relax. I thought about Elias driving back to his family and how scary it had to be to do it alone. But it was how it had to be, no one could do this for him. He had to do it for himself, and I had to do the same.

  “I don’t think I’m going to take the new job.” My vision blurred from holding my breath and my heart pounded in my chest. This was what I’d promised myself I’d never do: never give my mother a reason to be sad, to feel like another part of my father was dying.

  “Oh?” She cocked her head, as if she was trying to read what was going on inside my head. “Did something happen? Are you staying in Addis longer?”

  I shook my head and brought my knees up to my chest. “No, I just—I think I want to go to grad school, do something different.” I closed my eyes and just said it. “I think I want to do social work school. There’s a program at NYU that focuses on working with refugee children in the States. I think that’s what I want to do. I like this work a lot…”

  I looked at the screen and my mom’s face was serious, but the faraway look she had told me she was thinking hard. Trying to figure out what I wasn’t ready to say yet. Finally, she turned her eyes to the screen. “Desta Joy, I think you need to hear me say this.” She paused then, clearing her throat, obviously bracing herself. “There is nothing more important to me than for you to be happy.” She clicked her tongue in that way she did when she thought things were in a sorry state. “We’ve lost too much, mi amor, to waste time on things that don’t fulfill us.”

  A knot closed my throat when I heard the same words Elias had said to me coming from my mother.

  I wanted to believe her, and at the same time I didn’t. I wasn’t sure I’d know what to do if the burden of living out this dream for my mother disappeared. Before I knew it, I was blurting it all out. “I fell for this guy here.”

  “Oh, Desta.” My mother’s voice was completely devoid of any judgment, and that was almost worse.

  I shook my head, hardly able to process everything that had happened tonight, but it was still bursting out of me. I wanted so much, and I needed my mother to be there for me. “He’s on the team for the project, but he got into a PhD program at Columbia and I don’t know if I’m doing all of this for me, or just as an excuse to go to New York and follow him.”

  My mother opened her mouth, closed it. Then she sat up straighter. “Does it matter?”

  I snapped my head back at her question. That was not I was expecting. “What do you mean?”

  “If you finally decided to do what you want, is it so bad that what pushed you was someone you care about?” She sounded genuinely confused.

  “But I do this, Mom. I keep getting into relationships that can’t work out. Where I get my heart broken. Elias isn’t even sure he can come to the States, he’s got family to think about, and now I’ve complicated my own plans by getting involved with him.”

  My mother shook her head and I could see that doing
this over video was starting to frustrate her. “Desta Joy, you can be falling in love and still want to make these changes. Both can happen at the same time, baby.”

  Maybe. It was true that I’d applied for that MSW program long before Elias was in the picture.

  “I just don’t want to be some pathetic fool.”

  “You’re not pathetic.”

  I deflated at the fierce urgency in my mother’s voice and heard the echo of Elias’s plea for me to believe in what we had made. I couldn’t discard that.

  “You say that, but I keep chasing after men who drop me when I’m no longer a convenient part of their plan.” But even as I said it, I knew that wasn’t remotely fair. Elias was not Miguel, and he would never do that. Even tonight, when everything was awful, he didn’t try to reassure me by making promises he didn’t know he could keep. He’d told me how he felt, promised me he’d fight, and then gone out to do it.

  “You’re right, I’m not pathetic, and I’ll be fine. We both will.” I felt stronger as I said it. The misery of the evening was already turning into purpose. I didn’t know what, if anything, would happen to change how things ended with Elias tonight. But I would do what I needed for me. I’d make myself whole. I was on my way there already.

  “We’re both stronger than we give ourselves credit for.” My mom’s voice sounded a little surer too.

  “We are strong.” I wasn’t sure if I was talking about my mother and me or Elias and me, but in that moment it didn’t matter.

  Tears were running down my mother’s face, and for once I didn’t feel compelled to stop them. “Tell me about your plans and your novio, sweetheart. I want to know.”

  I straightened, a sad little smile on my face at my mother’s request to hear about my boyfriend, but then I started to tell her.

  Once I finished with my mom, I decided to hit up the other woman in my life and give her some news that was going to blow her away. Hopefully making plans would do something to soothe my battered heart.

  DestaJoyWalker: Yo! Are you free for like a minute? I need you to tell me what the farthest point in NYC from where you live is so I can start looking for apartments there.

  Within a second I could see she was typing.

  Lucía.Woods: MIRA COÑO. WHY ARE YOU PLAYING WITH ME DESTA JOY? FUCK THIS MESSAGING SHIT!!!

  I picked up the call after the first ring.

  “What are you talking about?” She was yelling into the phone and I could hear noises like she was walking outside.

  “I’m moving to New York.”

  “Please do not mess with me. Do you know what it would mean for me to finally be in the same city with you after all these years of weekly calls and text messages?

  I grinned into the phone, and despite how fucked-up the last two hours had been, I felt…relieved. “I’m going to do the MSW, Luce. I’m coming home, amiga.”

  I heard her breath catch over the phone and mine caught too, because with every conversation tonight I realized this move was exactly what I needed. Like my mother said, Elias had been what finally made me brave enough to go for it. And it was not lost on me that I had done the same for him.

  “Oh my god, babe. You don’t how happy I am right now. You got me crying on the fucking High Line, bro.”

  I chuckled at how annoyed she sounded. “Well, it’s not all rainbows and sunshine right now. Luce, Elias’s mother caught us kissing. He was going to tell them, but that was not how they should’ve found out.” I cringed, remembering Negash’s face when she saw us. “I have no idea if he’s going to be okay or what’s even happening. We had plans. I mean very tentative plans, but now I don’t know.”

  She sighed on the speaker. “Shit. I’m sorry, hon. Do you think his family will be awful?”

  “I don’t know,” I said, unsure. I knew one could never tell for sure how people would react to these things, but Elias’s family loved him. No matter how complicated things seemed, it was clear they adored him. “I hope not. He was going to talk to them tonight anyway; he just wanted me to meet them first. He’s accepted his spot at Columbia and so part of the plan was to come out to them as well. He didn’t want to leave with that secret.”

  I heard Lucía’s wheel turning from seven thousand miles away. “He’s coming to New York? Desta, is that—”

  “No, Lucía, I swear. This is about me. About what I want. I just told Mami before I called you. I need to do what makes me happy, Luce. I need to. Besides, Elias may not even be in New York this fall, not after how shitty things went tonight.”

  “Okay, babe,” she said, clearly trying to appease me. “Of course, and you know you’re going to stay with us until you find a place.” I nodded like she could see me, but she didn’t wait for an answer, already full steam ahead with planning. Just like I knew she would be. “Actually, you know what? Let me talk to Norma from work—she mentioned her brother needed to sublet his place for the summer. He’s going to Spain for six months, and he’s up by me. I’ll email you.”

  “Okay, sounds good,” I said, slightly less freaked out than I had been a few minutes before.

  “So you’ll be here in a few weeks?” she asked, the excitement in her voice making my own resurface.

  “In nine days. I have my trip tomorrow and come back the day before I leave. I have to go to DC and sort out some stuff, but I fly into JFK anyways, so I’ll stay for a few days to arrange the move.”

  “Are you going to be able to see your guy before then?” She sounded worried and sad for me.

  I shook my head as if she could see me. “I don’t know.”

  “Take care of yourself on that trip.” She grumbled, “I don’t want you getting eaten by a lion or some shit when I’m so close to having you back.”

  I cracked up. “There aren’t lions where I’m going. Maybe a baboon.”

  “Whatever! Seriously, though, enjoy your trip and get back safe. Everything’s going to work out. I know it will.”

  I really hoped she was right. “I’ll talk to you soon.”

  I ended the call, and as I got ready for bed and packed the rest of the things I’d take north, I wondered how it was going with Elias and his family. I checked my phone and saw there were no messages, and couldn’t decide if that was a good or bad thing.

  I went to bed with a clear mind and very sore heart. But for the first time in a long time, I finally felt like I was looking forward to what was next.

  Chapter 26

  “Do you have everything, dear?”

  I turned around from zipping my bag and nodded at Saba. I’d come to stay at her house when I returned from my trip the day before, and was now getting ready to head to the airport.

  I pointed toward the hallway leading to the bedroom. “Just have to get my laptop bag. I’ll be right back.”

  She waved me off. “Tefare is on his way. It’s only 8:30 and your flight isn’t until midnight. You have more than enough time.”

  Saba stood by the door of her guest bedroom and watched as I hurried to get the last of my things. “How are you feeling about leaving?”

  Her tone told me she already knew.

  I answered with my eyes focused on what I was doing, not feeling up to facing her knowing gaze. “Completely unprepared. The goodbyes at the office were hard.” In the morning I’d gone to say goodbye to Bonnie and the rest of the team at Aid USA. Even Sam had acted like a human when I stopped by his cubicle.

  I heard Saba exhale from behind me. “You’ll see them again.” I expected that to sting, but it didn’t. It felt inevitable that I would come back.

  “You’re right. I think I will.” Everyone at Aid had given me multiple hugs and had made me promise I’d be back for a visit soon, and when I said I would, it felt like the truth.

  While I was there, Bonnie had given me a couple of funny looks and told me to update her about my summer plans. I suspected she knew about Elias and me. The urge to ask her if she knew more than the little bits of information I’d gotten from him while I was travelling
had been strong, but I would never betray his trust.

  I grabbed my stuff and checked my phone one final time before I took out the SIM card.

  No messages.

  I’d exchanged a few texts and calls with Elias asking how things were going in the last few days. He’d said they were all right, but hadn’t gone into too much detail. Today he’d finally said he unfortunately would not be able to see me.

  I was disappointed—okay, more like gutted—but I’d done my best to be understanding. He needed to get his things in order. The plan was still for him to go to the States for school this fall, and I hoped it meant there was a chance for us as well. But I’d decided I needed to focus on myself, just as he was doing.

  I’d told him I would be in New York after I talked to my mom, needing him to know I was ready for more. But even if it didn’t work out, what I got to have with Elias was amazing. Still, it would crush me to not see him ever again, and I wasn’t ready to think about that yet.

  I headed to the door of the bedroom with my laptop in hand and gave Saba the SIM card with a sigh.

  She clicked her tongue at my gloomy mood. “You must trust it will be okay.”

  She’d spent the day giving me pep talk after pep talk. I was getting a little exasperated, but smiled when she hissed at my stank face. I was about to reassure her once again that I was fine when we heard a car at the gate. Shortly after, the headlights of Tefare’s old Lada were illuminating the dark yard.

  I hefted it on my backpack and grabbed the tube, which held the rolled-up canvas I’d bought in the gallery at the Marquis. It cost me an arm and a leg, but it was the only thing I was taking back with me, other than a few pounds of coffee. I wasn’t counting the broken heart and career change plans that would also be coming home with me.

  I went over to where Saba was standing, looking a little weepy.