Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  If you were Julie, what would be your first reaction? What would you think? What would you be feeling?

  When I asked these questions in class, Kathy chuckled and asked, “Has she been to class or not?”

  “Let’s imagine she hasn’t been to class,” I replied. “Or she has been and it’s a really bad day and she can’t remember a thing she has learned.”

  Lisa chewed on her lip, nodding. “One of ‘those’ days,” she said, emphasizing “those” as she immediately identified with Julie. “If it was me,” she continued, “I’d be ticked off. All she did was ask him to get dressed and he started throwing a fit. He was being a little jerk.”

  Tom agreed, “A blatant case of defiance.”

  “An uncooperative brat who’s deliberately trying to disrupt the morning and irritate his mother,” Kathy added.

  “On a bad day,” Tara replied, “I’d think he was being sassy and obstinate and that he didn’t understand my needs at all.”

  Their interpretations of the event were honest and straightforward. On the surface this power struggle did look like a blatant case of insubordination. And when it looks that way, it’s easy to get caught thinking about what warning or consequence you should mete out. The key is to stop yourself and pause long enough to look below the surface to your child’s feelings and needs. Or, as Stephen Covey writes in Seven Habits of Highly Successful People, “Seek first to understand and then to be understood.”

  If Your Child’s Behaviors Were Words

  Let’s go back and look at Todd’s actions. He shrieked, lunged at his sister, crumpled to the floor, and sobbed. If his behaviors were words, what do you think he would be trying to tell you?

  In class we brainstormed all the possibilities we could think of. He might be sad, disappointed, angry, in need of attention, or jealous. We couldn’t know for sure. We’d have to start with our best guess. The point here is that when you look at your child’s behaviors as messages rather than as efforts to “get you,” it’s easier to pause, stay calm, and choose a more sensitive response.

  A Child’s Point of View

  Fortunately in this scenario, Todd was old enough to tell us about his point of view. Let me go through the scenario again, this time as it’s presented from a child’s perspective.

  Six-year-old Todd awoke. He missed his dad terribly. Until the new job his dad never traveled, but now he did. It was his dad who used to get him up and help him get dressed for school, and now he often had to do it by himself. The soccer game last night was fun, but his knees hurt where he’d fallen and he was so tired. He knew he was supposed to be getting up to get dressed, but he just couldn’t do it. Maybe this morning his mother would help him. He headed toward her room.

  The intensity of his disappointment slapped him like an open hand when his mother leaned out and directed him to hurry and get dressed. And when he saw that his sister was already there taking her attention, he couldn’t seem to stop himself. He lunged and grabbed for her paper as the blood rushed to his hands and then he went down shrieking.

  Todd was overwhelmed by his emotions. On the surface he struck out and shouted words of defiance, but beneath the surface Todd was surprised and deeply disappointed. He missed his dad terribly. He needed his mom’s attention and help. He didn’t know that this was a morning piano lesson day. He didn’t know what to do with his powerful emotions, and as a result his instincts took over and he reacted.

  It’s true, we do have to enforce our standards and stop Todd from hurting his sister. We can also expect cooperation, but in order to get there we have to remember that every difficult situation involves at least two people, each with individual feelings, needs, and plans. Attempting to view each situation not only from your own perspective but your child’s as well lays the foundation for a sense of trust. Your child knows that you will listen and try your best to understand his point of view, and he will be more willing to work with you because of that knowledge.

  Consider Your Child

  Think about a difficult situation you’ve recently experienced with your child. What were you feeling? Now put yourself in your child’s shoes. What do you think she was feeling?

  In class, Jenna told us about her experience. “I was rushing, trying to get three kids out the door. The oldest was trying to tell me something, but I never stopped to really listen. He got very upset and refused to move. When he first started to throw a fit, I felt panic. I needed to get out that door! But somehow I understood he was really frustrated that I wasn’t listening. Normally I would have just yelled at him, but I paused and then I bent down to his level and listened while he told me again. This time I actually stopped doing everything else so I heard him. I hugged him and two minutes later we went out the door. When I dropped him off, he was smiling and we both had a great day. If I hadn’t stopped and connected, he still would have been upset when I picked him up.”

  It was Jenna’s empathetic response that won her cooperation in this situation. She was able to think not only about her own feelings and needs but her child’s as well. Can you put yourself in your child’s shoes? Can you imagine your child’s behavior as words and try your best to understand what he’s trying to say?

  Listening to the Cues

  Listening to those behaviors, your child’s “cues,” isn’t always easy. Imagine for a moment that you are trying to get yourself and your child out the door. You’re running late. Your child runs out to the car. Suddenly he stumbles, landing on the driveway. His pants are torn, his knee is bleeding. What do you say or do?

  In class, the responses sounded like this.

  “How stressed am I?” Kathy wants to know. The others laughed and then added their own responses. “I’d get a cold cloth,” Brenda offers.

  “Yeah, I’d wash it out and give him a hug,” Barb adds.

  “Get a Band-Aid,” Tom replies. “And if it really is hurting, I’d probably carry him back to the car.”

  “I’d ask what happened,” Peter added.

  Now imagine that you’re trying to get out the door and you’re late. This time your child drops in the doorway screaming, “I don’t want to go! I want to stay home with you!” How do you respond?

  “Get in the car!” Peter pretends to bellow.

  Kathy, her voice hard, adds, “The easy way or the hard way.”

  And Tom admits, “I’d probably threaten to leave him and start the car”.

  It’s often easier to put ourselves in our child’s shoes when there’s a physical problem rather than an emotional one. But the reality is emotional wounds need those Band-Aids as much as the bloody ones.

  Think about your child. How does she tell you she’s tired or hungry? What does your son do when he’s jealous or frustrated? Can you “feel” his or her emotion?

  When Worries and “Advice” Get in the Way

  Sadie slid down in her chair, tucking her head low into her shoulders. She glanced away when I turned to look at her. “This doesn’t feel comfortable to you?” I asked. Shaking her head, she replied, “If I give my son a hug when he’s refusing to go out the door, my mother would have a fit. She’d say I was just spoiling him and that he was manipulating me.”

  Sadie isn’t alone. When we stop to listen to our kids, especially in public places, worries about what others might be thinking about us or our child can fuel our anger and limit our ability to “hear” our kids and respond empathetically.

  So on the board I wrote: The worries and advice that make me stop listening to my child.

  Peter was the first to answer. “In our house, I was never allowed to express my feelings. My father’s attitude was that kids were to be seen and not heard. What I felt didn’t matter. So when my kids want to know what I’m making for dinner or what I’m doing, I find myself telling them they don’t need to know. Then sending them away.”

  “When I respond to my son, I can actually hear my father’s voice saying, ‘Give him an inch and he’ll take a mile,’” Ben responded. “My gut twis
ts. I want to listen to my son, but I worry that I’m asking for it if I do.”

  Kate let out a breath. “Last year,” she began, “Tom started feeling sick in the morning. Then he refused to go to school. I couldn’t figure out what was going on. Then I found out his teacher had called him a liar. I know he didn’t lie because other kids told me he hadn’t. The woman really was mean and nasty. I talked to the principal. He warned me that I was making too much of it. That Tom was manipulating me, and I was turning him into a ‘mama’s boy.’ I spent a week of sleepless nights worrying about it, but after another morning of listening to Tom’s sobs I moved him to a different school. The morning fights ended and he began to excel in school. Later, I learned they fired the teacher at his old school. Thank goodness I listened to Tom.”

  “Don’t start a bad habit,” Sherry interjected. “After we moved, our four-year-old daughter wanted to come into our bed in the middle of the night and sleep with us. I knew the sounds in the house were different. I woke up, too, but I was afraid that if I let her come into our bed for a few nights, I’d spend the next two years trying to get her out.”

  “I hear advice all the time with the baby” Karen offered, and began listing out the most common comments she’d heard. “Let him cry. You just spoil him if you jump every time. Get him on a schedule. Is that kid nursing again? You’re holding him too much. I can smell him over here he’s getting so spoiled.”

  As they talked I listed all of their comments on the board:

  * * *

  Kids are to be seen and not heard.

  You’re spoiling him.

  Give an inch, he’ll take a mile.

  Don’t start a bad habit.

  You’re turning him into a mama’s boy.

  Let him cry.

  Get him on a schedule.

  You’re holding him too much.

  You’re giving in.

  Who’s in control here?

  At his age he should…

  Don’t you have him…yet?

  You’re teaching him that if he cries he’ll get what he wants.

  Are you letting him eat again? It hasn’t been three hours.

  You coddle her too much.

  Don’t let him leave the table until he’s eaten everything on his plate.

  Just ignore him.

  He’s only a kid. He doesn’t know what’s good for him.

  * * *

  I read the list out loud. “How do these remarks make you feel?”

  “I doubt myself,” Sherry replied. “I pull back and get defensive,” Peter added. Karen shook her head in agreement and said, “It makes me wishy-washy. If I’m feeling rested and confident, I do what I feel is best, but if I’m feeling worn out and a failure, I shut down. I think I drive my son crazy.”

  Evaluate the Advice You Receive

  The reality is that our child-rearing lore is full of advice that discourages us from connecting with our kids. That’s why it’s important to take a look at this advice and do a little detective work. Where did this advice come from? Why was it offered in the first place? Is it really something that you want to continue to use as your guide?

  For example, power struggles over food are common occurrences. I’ve found it fascinating to ask grandparents and great-grandparents why they’ve offered specific pieces of advice about food and eating habits. Inevitably they tell me tales of growing up during the Depression or suffering the deprivations of war. Many grew up in large families where food was not always plentiful. The advice to clean their plates fit the era and the situation. But today childhood obesity is one of the leading health concerns for children. And food proportions served in restaurants have increased dramatically as our society has focused more on big. Fifteen years ago you couldn’t even buy a thirty-two-ounce glass of soft drink, much less try to drink one. It isn’t that this advice was wrong for its times, it just doesn’t fit today.

  The theories of rewards and punishments have also strongly influenced advice for parents. Daniel Goleman, in his book Emotional Intelligence, tells us that B. F. Skinner, a major player in the development of the behaviorist theory, as it is known, couldn’t figure out how to measure emotions, so he said they didn’t influence behavior. Today the research on emotional intelligence demonstrates emotions significantly impact our actions.

  Additionally the attachment research conducted during the last thirty years has clearly demonstrated that children who are consistently listened to and responded to are actually less demanding and easier to care for than those who are dismissed or ignored. That’s why if you pick up a baby when he cries, he’ll ultimately cry less. And if you respond to his needs, he’ll ultimately be more willing to wait for you, because he trusts you.

  William Sears, M.D., assistant professor of pediatrics at the University of Southern California, found in his research that kids whose needs have been sensitively and empathetically responded to:

  were more likely to want to please the adults in their lives.

  were more cooperative.

  had more self-control.

  were less stressed.

  These research findings were not available to our parents or grandparents. So look carefully at the advice you are receiving. Find out where it’s coming from. Has it been handed down in your family without anyone thinking about the emotional costs? You can decide which messages to keep, revise, or eliminate.

  It’s also important to trust your gut. You know your child better than anyone else. Sometimes that puts you in an “odd man out” situation. Others are telling you that you’re coddling your child, but deep in your gut you know you are meeting the needs of your child. Trust yourself, and your child will be able to trust you.

  What’s Your Gut Reaction to Emotions?

  Tara sighed. “All right,” she said. “I’m okay when my child feels sad or disappointed. I don’t have any problem comforting him. But when it comes to anger, I can’t handle it.”

  Think about the emotions your child has experienced this week. Write them down. Read through the list carefully. It’s in our families that we learn how to express emotions and how to respond to them. So imagine you are a child once again. When you experienced each of these emotions, how did the adults in your life respond?

  In class we brainstormed a quick list. And then we listed the adults’ reactions. Here’s what the list looked like.

  * * *

  Emotion

  The Intimidator

  Responses That Disconnect

  The Emotion Coach

  Responses That Connect

  Worry

  Don’t be a baby. Just ignore it. There’s nothing to be scared of—worried about. Be a big boy. It’s just a…Get real

  I’m here for you. How can I help you? What do you need in order to feel safe?

  Excitement

  Settle down. Cut it out.

  You’re excited. Your body is full of energy. Let’s go run outside.

  Anger

  Don’t be naughty. You shouldn’t be angry. You’re wrong. Don’t talk back to me. Anger met with anger. Doles out punishments. Ignores or teases.

  That makes you angry. I won’t let you hurt your brother, but you can tell him you don’t like that. I’m listening. I’m trying to understand. Say it this way.

  Curiosity

  Don’t break it. That’s not for kids. Don’t touch it. It’s mine. That’s enough. Get out of there!

  You like to find out how things work. I can help you try. This is how you can look at it and keep it safe.

  Sadness

  Get over it. What’s the matter with you? Don’t be so sensitive. Stop feeling sorry for yourself. You should be grateful.

  I’m sorry. I know that was important to you. It’s okay to feel disappointed. Would you like a hug?

  Jealousy

  Life isn’t fair. Cut it out. Go to your room. Don’t treat your brother that way.

  It’s hard to have to share. Sometimes being a big sister is frustrating. You can ask for
my attention and I will give it to you.

  Frustration

  Stop making a fuss. Just do it. Settle down. If you’d just do it, you’d be done. Here, I’ll do it! It’s your own fault.

  This is hard work. You can take a break. Would you like help?

  * * *

  As you review the list you might realize that it’s easy for you to be an emotion coach when your child is frustrated or worried. It’s when he’s angry or sad that it’s tough for you because in your family these emotions were ignored or considered unacceptable. That’s what happened to Megan.

  “When Jake is upset, I’ll tell him, ‘I’m so sorry. I know you’re sad.’ But he’s so persistent. He just keeps crying. Then I want to yell, That’s enough!’ Reviewing the list, I realize that’s what my parents said to me when I was sad. No wonder it’s so hard for me to deal with him if he doesn’t stop. I don’t know what to do next. I don’t have any role models.”

  Look at the messages you received from your family about emotions. When you were afraid, did you receive comfort and support? Or did your parent become angry and walk away? How are you responding to your child’s fears today?

  Old messages can stop us from responding sensitively to our child. Our goal is to hear our child’s emotions and respond in a way that matches it. Empathy opens your child to your guidance.