Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles
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“Nothing,” I responded. “I suspect Liza just needs even more time to review her decision. Don’t stop what you’re doing, add to it.” Peggy huffed in frustration. So I asked her, “What would you like to do in the morning that you presently don’t have time to do?” “Sit down with a cup of coffee,” she replied. “All right,” I said. “Here’s my suggestion, set the alarm fifteen minutes earlier. Get up, make yourself a cup of coffee, take it into Liza’s room (Liza wasn’t sensitive so the smell didn’t bother her), sit on her bed while she lies there and talk about the outfit she’s picked out, the plans for the day, and what you know of the weather that morning. This will give Liza the additional time she needs to process her decision, and you’ll get your cup of coffee. It won’t seem like such a hassle. In fact, this connection will probably soothe both of you and make the transitions from pajamas to school clothes easier.” Indeed, when Liza wasn’t rushed, had her mom’s full attention, and had time to reflect on her choices and plans, Peggy found her to be much more cooperative. And, thanks to the coffee, Peggy actually enjoyed herself.
Kids who adapt slowly need words and phrases like:
In ten minutes you’ll need to stop and…
Today we will be doing…
That was a surprise. You don’t like surprises.
Change is hard for you.
You wish you didn’t have to leave.
I appreciate how you remind me to stop rushing.
Changes in your routine upset you.
After lunch we always…
Quick to Adapt
Kids who are quick to adapt aren’t triggered by transitions. They can shift from one thing to another a dozen times a day, without even noticing. This may actually be their challenge, for it is easy for these children to get overcommitted. It may also be difficult for them to understand others who don’t shift as quickly as they do. We can help them learn to be more sensitive to others by pointing out transitions and teaching them the importance of forewarning their friends and family members who are not quite as quick to adapt.
Emotion Coaching in Action
Casey was a quick-to-adapt, cheery kid whom everyone loved. Talented and vivacious, her social life was full. And that was the problem—it was too full. Casey was so quick to adapt that she quickly shifted from one activity to another, never stopping to think about whether she really had the interest or energy for the next event. As a result, at thirteen she found herself frustrated and overcommitted. Helping Casey meant making her aware of her quick adaptability, teaching her to slow down a bit, and encouraging her to think before she shifted or committed.
Kids who are quick to adapt need words and phrases like:
Think about how many things you’ve agreed to do.
It’s important to forewarn your brother that you’re going to quit playing.
I appreciate how easily you shift from one thing to another.
Let’s slow down.
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4. Intensity: How strong are your child’s emotional reactions?
not easily frustrated
becomes frustrated easily and fiercely
quickly stops crying when upset
can cry for forty-five minutes over a seemingly insignificant issue
others may not even know this child is upset
experiences every emotion deeply and powerfully
not easily upset
becomes upset quickly and unexpectedly
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mild reactions
intense reactions
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High Intensity
Children who experience intense emotional reactions are not necessarily loud; in fact, some intense children focus their intensity inward. You can “feel” the emotion radiating from them. They experience every emotion deeply and physiologically. Stress hormones move swiftly and easily through their bodies, and they produce lower levels of soothing agents. As a result they get upset more easily and stay upset longer.
That’s why the advice to ignore a child’s strong reaction doesn’t work. He’s not trying to manipulate you. He truly experiences every emotion as a powerful jolt. Kids who experience intense emotional reactions are triggered and pulled into power struggles when their feelings are ignored or when your intensity fuels theirs.
Intensity reflects a zeal for life. It’s essential that kids who are more intense learn how to monitor their emotions closely and discover what soothes and calms them. Clear standards, enforced and modeled by you, are a must! Help them find outlets for the passion that lies within them through sports or the arts.
Emotion Coaching in Action
Tad was a smart kid who experienced intense emotional reactions, especially frustration. He loved to read and play ball, but he hated mathematics. Getting him to sit down and do his math homework was a major battle every night. His parents would insist that he do it. He would adamantly refuse. Then his parents learned about temperament and intense emotional reactions. Instead of insisting that Tad get his math done immediately after school, when he was worn out by his day, they encouraged him to calm himself by going outside and playing. Homework didn’t start until after dinner when everyone was relaxed. The session began with reading, which Tad enjoyed and found soothing. Then instead of starting with the toughest problems, his father selected the ten easiest problems for him to do. The simplicity allowed Tad to immediately experience success. He was rewarded with a ten-minute break (another soothing strategy), after which he began the next ten problems. These were a little tougher, but the joy of his earlier success helped him to keep going and manage his frustration.
Kids who experience strong emotional reactions need words and phrases like:
You experience strong feelings.
Take a deep breath.
Put your hand on your heart. Is it beating slowly or quickly?
Can you feel the volcano inside of you bubbling?
Take a break and then try again.
Mild Reactions
Children who experience mild reactions don’t often pull you into power struggles. They’re mellow kids who roll with the punches, which means their needs may go unnoticed. That’s why it is important to teach them to recognize their emotions and express them clearly.
Emotion Coaching in Action
Tiara was the youngest of four kids. She was an easygoing, happy kid who was a great joy to her parents. After learning about intensity her mother realized that she was often pushing Tiara’s needs aside to deal with her older brother, who was much more vocal and outspoken. Now she consciously takes time each day after school to check in with Tiara.
Kids who experience mild reactions need to hear words and phrases like:
If that is important to you, it is okay to clearly let others know.
I will make sure that I plan to spend time with you.
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5. Activity level: Is your child always busy and on the move, or more quiet and still?
walks when asked
rarely walks, often runs
can sit quietly for extended periods
always on the go, usually squirms or slides out of her chair
doesn’t need regular exercise
becomes irritable if confined too long
rides in a car seat without protesting
hates the car seat
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low activity level
high activity level
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High Activity Level
Kids with a high activity level are always on the move. They need to run, jump, and use their whole body in order to feel good. Which means they’re great in sports and dance, but they find it difficult to ride in a car, sit down, and eat or get into bed. Whenever they haven’t had an opportunity to exercise or have been confined, you can bet their intensity will be running high.
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�s often tough to get high-energy kids to bed. They don’t like to stop, especially if they are kids who seek stimulation and are happy. Interestingly enough, Sara Harkness found that when high-activity kids who live in Holland start to get restless, their parents put them to bed! The average Dutch child gets two and half hours more sleep a day than the average U.S. child. In the United States when high-energy kids start to get restless, their parents find them something else to do.
Researcher Jim Cameron suggests, “High-energy kids fight slowing down to go to bed and often don’t even give you cues, like rubbing their eyes, that they are tired.” He recommends that rather than letting them stay up till they “drop,” establish a regular bedtime and stick to it! Otherwise high-energy kids tend to get sleep deprived. Then they’re cranky in the morning and your day begins with power struggles.
Keeping a high-energy child in a car seat is also a challenge. The key is to bring along something that’s more interesting to play with than the buckles and straps on the seat. A tape recorder, handheld games, or a word game with mom or dad can distract him from the frustration of being restrained.
And when it comes to getting the high-energy toddler to sit at the table, start with “small” expectations. This child is not only temperamentally more active, he’s also in a stage of development where his brain is screaming, Try it! Seat him at the table and involve him in a conversation. When he wants down three minutes later, let him go, but insist he eat only at the table. A few weeks later aim for five minutes, then gradually, over time, ten and fifteen minutes. Avoid getting into a struggle with him, but do gradually increase the time to sit so that ultimately he does learn how to slow his body down when the situation requires it.
Plan daily physical activities for your high-energy child and frequent breaks when he has to be confined, and you’ll find life with him much more enjoyable.
Kids with high activity levels need words and phrases like:
You are very coordinated.
Let’s go outside.
Exercise, then do your homework.
You can lie on the floor and work; you don’t have to sit at the table.
When you start to pick on your sister, I know you need exercise.
Low Activity
Teachers often love low-activity kids. These children are in their seats working instead of running around the classroom getting into trouble. Their challenge may be to get enough exercise. That’s why it’s important to insist that these children choose at least one physical activity each day that interests them. The exercise can be a group activity or time to be alone. The most important factor is that it happens. If you’re a high-energy parent, plan family outings that allow a choice of being active or watching so that you can connect with your low-energy child.
Low activity kids need words and phrases like:
You like to be still.
You can choose one activity and then sit for a while.
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6. Regularity: How predictable are your child’s eating, sleeping, and elimination patterns?
wants to eat at very predictable times
frequently skips meals or eats very little at one meal, then a great deal at the next
needs to nap at specific times of day
can easily delay his nap to fit your plans
wakes up at the same time everyday
if left to his own schedule would wake up at a different time each day
needs to eat now
prefers to “graze” rather than eat at specific mealtimes
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regular
irregular
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Irregularity
Kids who have irregular body rhythms tend to be very flexible. They can easily wait for a meal or skip a nap if you’re out and about. The challenge is that you never know when they’re going to be hungry or tired. Kids with irregular body rhythms are triggered when they are pushed to eat when they are not hungry or to sleep when they are not tired. If you have an irregular child, create routines that are predictable but flexible. When your child wants a snack at four-thirty P.M., allow him to choose foods that meet his nutritional needs. What difference does it make if he has veggies and dip at four-thirty or veggies at six with his meal? Remember that you control what food is available. If you don’t want him snacking on “junk,” don’t buy it. Acknowledging that your child is hungry affirms his most basic emotions. If he isn’t allowed to read his own hunger, how can he be expected to monitor more subtle emotions like irritation or jealousy? If you’re worried that your child is eating due to boredom and not hunger, ask him, “Do you want to eat because you’re bored, or is your stomach growling?” Teach him to clarify his emotions! Don’t get into power struggles about food. Eating disorders are a major health concern for children today. Do teach him about good nutrition, do make sure healthy foods are available, and do plan regular family meals.
If naps are leading to power struggles at your house, create a “siesta” time when everyone slows down, reads, and rests. If your child is tired, he’ll fall asleep. If he’s not tired, after thirty minutes siesta time is over and it’s time to get up and go. By changing your expectations from sleep time to rest time, you’ll reduce your frustration and find it easier to stay calm if your child doesn’t fall asleep.
Emotion Coaching in Action
Jack was an irregular kid. Even though he was on the lean side, he ate a huge breakfast every day. But after that his mother never knew what he’d want. At lunch he often wasn’t hungry. By four o’clock he was dragging and would demand a snack. Dinner varied. Sometimes he ate everything and other times two bites seemed to fill him. She worried about him until she realized he was eating nutritiously. It was the time and amount of food that varied. In fact, his pattern was very similar to his dad’s, who was a healthy, strong man. After learning about temperament she planned regular meals, insisting that Jack come to the table, sit down, and talk at least for a few minutes. He could choose what he wanted to eat and how much, but connecting with the family was expected. If he was hungry, Jack ate; if he wasn’t, he didn’t. Since Jack stayed on his growth curve, his mother stopped worrying and the struggles over eating stopped.
Kids with irregular body rhythms need words and phrases like:
It’s difficult for you to fall asleep.
You can have a nutritious snack when you’re ready.
This is rest time. You don’t need to sleep, but you can rest.
Regular
Regular kids are very predictable. You know exactly when they’re going to want lunch, fall asleep, or eliminate. The challenges occur when you want them to adapt their schedule. They cannot. If the need for a bowel movement hits every day at seven-thirty A.M., that’s it. They’ve got to go. If they are hungry at noon, they need to eat or they become irritable and may complain of a headache. These kids need predictable mealtimes and bedtimes. It helps if you understand that to delay eating or sleeping may actually make them physically ill.
Regular kids need words and phrases like:
Take a snack with you in case you have to wait for lunch.
Try taking a nap today because you’ll be up later.
I understand you need to eat now!
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7. First Reaction: What is your child’s reaction to new things, places, ideas, or people?
jumps right into new activities
initially says no to any new activity, even if it was his choice to sign up
joins in right away
prefers to watch before joining a new activity
enjoys new foods, clothing etc.
is reluctant to try any new food, clothing, school, teacher, etc.
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jumps in
cautious first reaction
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Cautious First Reaction
Kids who are cautious in new situations are very aware of potential danger. They’re the kids whose adolescence is a dream to their parents. While other teens are trying out their independence by plunging into activities without thinking, cautious kids are reflecting before leaping. They don’t do dumb things. It’s important to know that kids with a cautious first reaction are not lacking in confidence. They simply approach new things thoughtfully. They are triggered when pushed, rushed, or not supported. In order to stay out of the power struggles with this child, slow down, help him understand that new situations make him feel uncomfortable or anxious, and ask him, “What will make it better?” Together make a plan. Would he like to watch first, or take a friend with him? Let him know that you understand his discomfort and are there to support him. A reminder of past successes is helpful, too.
If your cautious child is also very sensitive, his first reaction may not be fear but rather overstimulation. In a new situation too many new messages may be hitting him all at once. If that’s true for your child, teach him that just as you can walk into a room and adjust the temperature if it’s too hot or cold, stimulation can be managed as well. He can take the deep breath and choose to sit or stand where it is quieter or where the lights are less glaring. By doing so, he can reduce some of the stimulation and make it easier for him to cope.