Kids, Parents, and Power Struggles

by Mary Sheedy Kurcinka

  Emotion Coaching in Action

  Leah was a kid who approached every new experience cautiously. Her first public speech was no different. The mere thought of getting up and looking into the eyes of all of her classmates was nearly overwhelming to her. That’s when her dad explained that public speaking gives almost everyone the jitters, whether you’re cautious or not. But when you are cautious it’s even more important that you practice your speech thoroughly. Then, don’t think about your feelings as fear but rather as overstimulation. You can control overstimulation. Close your eyes for a second. Focus on one person or point in the room for a moment. Allow yourself to adjust.

  Leah took her dad’s words to heart. She listened to the kids who went before her, telling herself, “I can do this, too.” She reminded herself that she’d practiced. She knew her speech. And then she said, “This isn’t fear. It’s stimulation, and I can manage it!” When Leah’s dad picked her up that day from school, they couldn’t even pull out of the parking lot until she had shown him the A she’d received.

  Emotion Coaching in Action

  Tara was cautious about anything new. Learning to use the toilet was a very taxing experience for her. All attempts to use it had ended with tears. She felt much safer urinating in her diaper than sitting on a scary toilet. One summer day she was outside playing in her wading pool when she realized she had to go. She didn’t have a diaper on, and the potty chair was sitting right next to the back door. Her mother invited her to try it and Tara agreed. It was the first time she approached the potty without tears. This time Tara urinated right through her suit and was completely amazed. For the next three days, Tara used the potty—but only with her swimsuit on. After three days she took off the suit to use the potty, but she would not wear panties. Instead she stuck to her diaper and simply pulled it down when she needed to go.

  Her mother invited her to go to the store to select her own new panties. At the store Tara picked out panties decorated with her favorite cartoon characters, but when they got to the checkout counter, she changed her mind. Her mother did her best to remain cool and calm although she felt like screaming. She held it together and explained to Tara that if they left they would not come back that day. Tara accepted the restriction and walked out. A couple of days later when her grandmother came to visit, Tara suggested, “Grandma, let’s go to the store and buy me panties.” Off they went. It was a proud Tara who returned home, panties in hand. It took only three weeks from the swimsuit to the panties—not bad for a cautious kid.

  Kids who are cautious in new situations need words and phrases like:

  This isn’t fear, it’s overstimulation.

  I am here. I will help you.

  It’s okay to watch first.

  Let’s read about it before we go.

  You can take a friend.

  You may feel uncomfortable, but you’re not sick. Take ten deep breaths.

  This is just like…

  This isn’t about lack of confidence. It’s just new. Give yourself time.

  Quick to Adapt

  Kids who jump right into things have a zest for life! They can literally leap into situations, which means you may frequently find yourself at the local emergency room. They’re triggered when they’re forced to wait extended periods of time for their turn or want to try things the adults consider unsafe. When these kids are little, you can never leave them unattended because they’ll literally try anything. If these kids are active and persistent as well as quick to adapt, the odds are you’ll find them on top of the refrigerator or attempting to “fly” from the roof. As they grow older you’ll want to teach them to pause to think before acting and to be good problem solvers. You’ll also want to make sure that they learn to swim and develop the other skills they need to be safe. Finally, you’ll want to provide them with opportunities to take reasonable risks, because one way or another, they’re going to take them! Just remember, someone needs to be raising the next test pilot.

  Kids who are quick to adapt need words and phrases like:

  You enjoy adventure.

  Stop, think, then act.

  What’s your plan?

  It’s very important that you learn to swim, take a first-aid class, etc.

  Now you have it, a profile of your child’s temperament. Add up your child’s score.

  * * *

  Total Score

  7-14

  15-25

  26-35

  low-key child

  spunky child

  spirited child

  * * *

  Understanding temperament truly allows you to go below the surface to the fuel source, the real feelings and needs that fuel your child’s behavior. If your child is intense, you know you have to soothe him and calm him before you can work with him. If your child is sensitive, you can predict that rough clothing, crowds, or family gatherings are likely to trigger him. If he’s not persistent, a one-hundred-problem worksheet is going to send him under the table. And because you understand the real emotions, you can select strategies that help him to reduce the stimulation, break the tasks down, and be successful. Understanding temperament allows you to step right into your child’s shoe, see the world from his point of view, and stay out of power struggles!

  * * *

  Coaching Tips

  Your child is born with a preferred style of reacting to his world around him.

  When you understand your child’s temperament you can work with him more easily and stay out of power struggles.

  Persistent kids need you to ask them their plans.

  Sensitive kids need you to believe them when sensations are bothering them.

  High-energy kids need help channeling their energy

  Intense kids need help learning how to soothe and calm themselves.

  Regular kids need predictable routines.

  Irregular kids need flexibility and to learn about good nutrition.

  Slow-to-adapt kids need to know what’s going to happen and time to shift from one thing to another.

  Kids with a cautious first reaction are not being stubborn, they need your support.

  Kids who jump into things quickly need to be taught to think and then act.

  I believe working with temperament is so important that I have written two books about it. If you haven’t read Raising Your Spirited Child and Raising Your Spirited Child Workbook, I encourage you to do so—whether your child is spirited or not.

  TEN

  The “Silent Treatment” vs. the Talking Machine

  Understanding Introverts and Extroverts

  “I thought he was ignoring me. I didn’t realize he was thinking!”

  —The mother of an introvert

  Stella slumped into her chair. “How are you supposed to figure out what your child’s feeling when she refuses to talk to you!” “Yeah,” Lisa agreed, “that’s my thirteen-year-old, she doesn’t want to discuss problems or talk things out, she never has. She’s the queen of the ‘silent treatment.’ If I try to talk with her, she complains that I’m repeating myself or that I talk too much. And she is always telling me to get out of her space.”

  “What I’d give for a few moments of silence,” Ben sighed. “I’ve got Miss Motor Mouth living with me. She never stops talking. If she has a problem, she wants to discuss it over and over again. How many times can we discuss the fact that she didn’t get invited to Katie’s birthday party? If she thinks I’m not listening, she’ll get right into my face. Sometimes she’ll even turn my head toward her and demand, ‘Are you listening to me?’”

  Believe it or not, the “silent resister” and the “motor mouth” aren’t really trying to pull you into power struggles. They’re simply processing information and recharging in their own preferred styles.

  That’s why if you’re a person who needs to talk through a problem, you may feel rejected by a child who pushes away from you and puts his hands over his ears when you try to talk about his feelings. He really doesn’t hate you. He needs
to process his feelings in a style that’s different from yours. And if you’re the type of person who prefers to pull your feelings inside and think about them, you may feel invaded by your child who has to “unburden” herself every time she’s upset. If you don’t understand these differences, you can unwittingly trigger each other and end up disconnecting when you’re actually trying very hard to connect.

  Fortunately, there are patterns to how we process information. Every individual has a preferred style. When you understand your own and your child’s preference, you’ll know which strategies to use in order to keep your child working with you.

  The Theory

  More than seventy years ago a Swiss psychologist named Carl Jung developed a theory called “psychological type theory.” He suggested that human behavior could be classified into predictable categories or preferences. During World War II the mother and daughter team of Katharine Briggs and Isabel Briggs Myers enthusiastically embraced Jung’s work. Their hope was to bring peace to the world by helping people understand and appreciate differences. As a result, they spent more than twenty years developing the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator to distinguish the preferences described by Jung and to help us apply that information to relationships and to stay out of those power struggles!

  The psychological type theory was developed separately from the temperament theory discussed in the previous chapter. The two theories work together but describe different aspects of individual differences. Both include a genetic element. Jung believed that healthy development was based on lifelong nurturing of these preferences, not on trying to change them.

  We don’t get to choose our children’s type, but we can help our kids understand their style and what they need, and teach them how to work with us, especially if our styles are different. In this chapter I’ll describe introversion and extroversion, whether we need to go inside of ourselves to process information and recharge, or whether we need to go outside of ourselves and reflect. It’s these preferences that can help us understand why some kids seem to give us the silent treatment while others never seem to stop talking.

  Introversion and Extroversion

  It’s the extroverts who need to go outside of themselves, talking and interacting with others and the world around them in order to figure out how they feel and to find the energy to cope. Introverts go inside of themselves in order to sort out their feelings. They need space, unstructured time, and quiet in order to polish their thoughts and energize. Introversion and extroversion do not describe social skills. Introverts can be very social people and strong leaders. They simply think and feel best when they have the opportunity and space to reflect. Extroverts are not all party animals. If they are temperamentally cautious in new situations, they may be quiet initially when meeting people, but they like to do their thinking by talking. They are energized by interaction and activity.

  Most people demonstrate a preference for one style or the other, but each of these traits is on a continuum. You can have a strong preference or a slight one. What’s most important is recognizing at a particular moment whether your child needs time, space, and quiet, or an opportunity to talk. If you watch closely your child will let you know her preference, even if she’s only an infant.

  The Extroverts

  Extroverts are the babies who fuss and squirm when you hold them up to your shoulder and are just fine when you turn them away from you so they can watch the world around them. They are the older kids who grab your attention the minute they come home from school or child care by shoving their papers into your face. They need to talk and they need to talk now! Too much time alone can leave extroverts drained and irritable. They’re the kids who clamor to bring a friend home from school or complain they are bored when there’s no one to play with. You may worry about their self-esteem because they rarely choose to play by themselves. When they’re upset, they don’t want to be alone. They’ll follow you around, touch you, and move right into your space. If you want them to take a break, they will—but only if you go with them, which often isn’t what you need at all. Ask them how they feel, and they’ll have an immediate answer, which may change the more they talk and “think” about it.

  The Introverts

  Those who prefer introversion go within themselves to process their emotions and recharge. They are the kids who tell you about the bully on the playground three days after they’ve been roughed up or teased. Ask about their day right after school, and they have a one syllable answer. It’s not until bedtime that they’re ready for a full discussion, and then you think they’re just stalling. If you ask them how they feel when they are upset, they may not be able to answer—until hours or even days later.

  Introverts have a strong sense of personal space. If their space is invaded—even by an offer of a hug—they may pull away. It’s not that they aren’t affectionate; they are. They simply like to choose who and when someone comes into their space. And it’s not only their physical space that they like to protect. They may also complain that someone is looking at them, breathing on them, or talking too much!

  Noise and crowds drain introverts and leave them feeling cranky. After a hectic day at school or child care, they want to go home, lie down on the couch, and watch a video. They’re not unmotivated, they’re simply taking a break to recharge and process their thoughts before they begin homework or other tasks. Bringing a friend home from school for a play date can be a disaster—unless you can help them figure out how to put on a quiet video to watch together or get some downtime before the interaction begins again.

  How You and Your Child Prefer to Process Information and Recharge

  The older you are, the more likely you’ll be using both preferences, especially if you grew up with a parent whose preference was different from your own, or have a job that demands a style different from your preferred style. As a result, you may be comfortable using both styles, but you usually prefer one. Our goal with the following checklist is to identify your child’s and your own preference—your first and most natural response. I devised this list for use in my classes. Check those statements that seem to fit you or your child best, the statements that are true for you most of the time. Your behaviors will give you a good idea about your preferences. If your child is able to read, let him complete the checklist himself or complete it with you.

  * * *

  If you or your child prefers extroversion you probably:

  —need to talk in order to figure out what you “feel.”

  —tend to share thoughts or feelings immediately as they strike you.

  —need feedback, affirmation that your point of view and feelings are valid.

  —want immediate responses to questions.

  —figure out how to do things by talking or doing.

  —need people and activity to feel energized. A day alone leaves you feeling drained and cranky.

  —ask lots of questions.

  —get into trouble for talking too much or interrupting.

  —hate to wait for lengthy directions—you just want to do it.

  If you or your child prefer introversion you probably:

  —need time alone to figure out how you feel.

  —need time to think before you are ready to talk about your feelings.

  —share thoughts and feelings selectively, often with those closest to you but rarely with strangers.

  —feel grumpy and drained after being in a noisy crowd or large group.

  —need downtime to recharge.

  —often start talking in the evening after having time to reflect.

  —learn best by watching, reading, or listening first.

  —have a strong sense of personal space and do not like to feel invaded.

  —are often told to “hurry up” or that you’re taking too long to make a decision.

  Count how many statements you would agree with in each group.

  Total

  My child

  Me

  Extrovert statements—


  Extrovert statements—

  Introvert statements—

  Introvert statements—

  * * *

  Coaching the Extrovert

  Preventing power struggles begins by working with your child’s type rather than against it. If your child prefers extroversion, it’s essential that you understand that in order to work with you, your child needs:

  to talk in order to figure out how he feels.

  activities and interactions with people in order to feel energized.

  questions to help him think.

  When you honor the extroverts’ need to think out loud and to be active, you help them to discern their emotions. You are also helping them keep their energy levels high so that they can more effectively manage their behavior and not get into fights with you.

  1. Coaching the Extroverts When they Need to Talk

  The voice was tight, the message direct. “I’ve had it!” I recognized my friend Kathleen’s voice and immediately returned her call. When she answered, I simply asked, “Tough day?” She growled in response. “I’m willing to listen,” I invited.

  “It’s Courtney,” she exclaimed. “She’s unburdening herself again, complaining that she’s got too much homework. Her teachers are too demanding. She’ll never get all of her work done. I know she needs to do this, and I’ve listened for a good fifteen minutes. But now, I’m done!”

  Extroverts are the kids who need to talk about an issue over and over again until they’ve got it figured out. Hearing the words come out of their mouths allows them to sort their feelings.

  The problem is, the process can be exhausting for the listener, especially if you prefer introversion like my friend Kathleen. An introverted parent alone can never meet the needs of an intense, extroverted child. She’ll wear you down to a nub. Your extroverted child needs you to let her talk, and it’s important that you do listen to her, but you can also teach her how to express herself without wearing you out.