Godscam
Page 4
much help he needs?
JUDY
Not as much help as you need. You know what Reverend Bob would say about you going to a party with a sinner like that.
SALLY
(suddenly intense)
Don’t you dare breathe a single word about this to Reverend Bob.
JUDY
I won’t rat you out. But how am I going to feel when you get gang raped and strangled. What am I going to tell Reverend Bob when they find your body? That I knew that you went insane and that I let you martyr yourself anyway?
SALLY
You won’t have to tell him anything because nothing is going to happen to me. I’ll be as safe as Daniel in the lion’s den.
JUDY
You don’t know the world. Bad things happen when people aren’t careful. You’re playing a dangerous game and you’re going to get burnt.
SALLY
God will protect me.
JUDY
He hasn’t protected you so far. He hasn’t protected you from that nut in the mall.
SALLY
The man in the mall is God. Or at least, he is speaking for God. Telling me God’s wishes.
JUDY
No he isn’t. I am telling you that he isn’t and Reverend Bob would tell you the same thing if he knew.
SALLY
(warning)
You promised that you wouldn’t tell him about this.
JUDY
I won’t squeal. But you already know what Reverend Bob would say.
SALLY
(resigned)
He’d say that that boy needs someone to show him the way to God.
JUDY
He’d tell you that that boy could find God in church. Not at a party.
SALLY
Reverend Bob doesn’t know that God found me at the mall. Or that God wants me to go to the party. If he did, then he’d say differently.
JUDY
That lunatic is not God and you aren’t going to save this bum’s soul at any party.
SALLY
(brooking no further argument)
Well, I’m going to the party and I’m going to help that man and that’s that.
JUDY
If you’re going to that party, then I’m going, too.
SALLY
No, you can’t. You weren’t invited.
JUDY
I’m inviting myself. If that bum won’t take both of us, then he’s not the kind of guy that you want to know.
(pauses to think)
Besides, if God really wants you to go, then he already knows that I’m going, too.
SALLY
(Secretly relieved)
If you insist.
JUDY
I insist.
(The lights fade out)
Scene Five:
SETTING:Back at the student lounge.
AT RISE:Peter and Chris are dressed and seated as before.
PETER
(Ecstatic)
Brilliant! You fixed me up with a total fox for Saturday night. I owe you, man.
CHRIS
(Bemused)
She’s not a fox. She’s better looking than ordinary, but she’s not a total fox. Not by a long shot.
PETER
She’s sure a hell of a lot better looking than the women that I usually date.
CHRIS
(Laughing)
Yeah, I know. I’ve seen the women that you usually date. I remember that last one…What was her name? Camille or something? Pure Zappa.
PETER
And now I’m going to get lucky on Saturday night. With a stone cold fox. Thanks to you, man.
CHRIS
(Still laughing)
No, you’re not.
PETER
Not what?
CHRIS
(Smiling)
Not going to get lucky.
PETER
What do you mean, man? She asked me to take her to Henry’s party. You know about Henry’s parties. Everyone gets lucky. He’s got that guest room in the back. People line up for it. All the dope in the air there, she doesn’t even have to take a toke to get high. I’m going to get lucky.
CHRIS
(Suddenly dead serious. Emphasizing each word)
No, you’re not. Not at Henry’s. Not in your car. Not back at her place. You hear me? You are a gentleman on Saturday night. You owe me? That’s what you owe me. You get to show up with a good looking, normal girl. You get to show everyone that you can get a date with a fox. That’s enough for now.
PETER
Not get lucky?
CHRIS
Not even cop a feel. Nothing. Just take her to the party. Stay with her. Don’t let anyone else hit on her, either. After a couple of hours, take her back home. That’s it. That’s your job. Don’t cross me on this.
PETER
(pouting)
You’re just trying to keep her for yourself.
CHRIS
I didn’t invest this much work in this scam just to lose it to your impatience. You’re in it now. You’re part of the scam. You hold up your end.
PETER
And what do I get out of it?
CHRIS
A lot more than a one-night stand with a woman who doesn’t even like you. I can promise you that.
PETER
(persistent, petulant)
What do I get?
CHRIS
You’ll get what you really want.
PETER
I really want her on Saturday night.
CHRIS
No. You wait for the big payoff down the road. It takes time to set up a big score.
PETER
I’ll settle for a little score now.
CHRIS
No you won’t. If I’m not sure about you, then I’ll call her up and tell her that Saturday night is off.
PETER
(Slyly, mimicking Chris)
No you won’t. You can’t have God admitting that he made a mistake.
CHRIS
God can change the deal any time He wants. He’s God. Remember Abraham. God told him to sacrifice Issac, his son. And when his knife was at Issac’s throat, he said, “Hold on. Just kidding. The deal’s off. I was just testing you to see if you would do it.” I can give Sally the same spiel. I can tell her that it was just a test and she passed so the test is over. And I will tell her that if I can’t be sure about you.
(pauses to fix Peter in the eye)
So are you in or out?
PETER
(Thinks for a minute, then gets a brainstorm)
You can’t. You don’t have any way to call off the deal. You don’t have her number or address. I bet you don’t even have her name.
CHRIS
Why do you say that?
PETER
Because God couldn’t ask her for her name and number. You’d have to know it already. If you had to ask, you’d blow your cover.
CHRIS
(amused)
You’re right. That’s why I followed her home yesterday. I couldn’t afford to get caught not knowing basic things about her. I know her name and address; and I know her phone number. It’s in the book.
PETER
(surprised)
You’ve been stalking her? Creepy.
CHRIS
(taken aback)
I wouldn’t put it that way.
PETER
No? Then how you would you put it? Sneaking around…following her to find out where she lives? Spying on her. That’s stalking. Look it up in the dictionary.
CHRIS
I’m looking out for her. That’s all. And I’m not going to let you blow it… So what’s it going to be? You in or out?
PETER
And if I’m in?
CHRIS
Then you get a big score later.
Peter
What big score?
chris
You’ll have to wait and see.
PETER
And if I’m out?
; CHRIS
You’re all the way out.
PETER
(Frustrated)
So you put this bird in my hand and then ask me to wait for one in the bush that I can’t even see?
CHRIS
That’s right.
PETER
Why should I trust that you can deliver?
CHRIS
(Grinning broadly)
Because I’m God.
PETER
Only in your own mind.
CHRIS
No. In her mind. That’s much better.
PETER
How do you know that you can trust me?
CHRIS
Hey, you’re my man. You’re my friend. And if you screw her, I’m taking her straight to the hospital and telling her to cry rape. And she’ll do it because God is telling her to do it. You’ll be graduating from prison with parole instead of graduating from here with a Ph.D.
PETER
(wounded)
Hey, Chris. That’s no way to talk to a friend.
CHRIS
I’m serious, Peter. If you can’t keep yourself under control on Saturday, cash out now.
PETER
(He has been hurt, and is not sure why)
Why are you so uptight, man? It’s just a scam.
CHRIS
Ethics. As long as she is acting under my orders, then I’ve got an ethical responsibility to her.
PETER
Bullshit. If you had any ethics, you wouldn’t be scamming her like this to begin with.
CHRIS
Practicality, then. She comes home on Saturday night feeling like she’s been had and she won’t do what I say next time. Everything’s got to go down right for her this time.
PETER
So you think there’s a lot more potential in this scam?
CHRIS
Hey, I got her to ask you to take her to a party on Saturday, right? When you were sitting there looking like a total loser. If I can get her to do that –
PETER
(hurt and getting angry about it)
–Hey, there! Loser? Total loser? What the hell kind of crack is that?
CHRIS
(Hold up his hands in surrender)
Whoa, there. I don’t mean it like that. I mean… Well, look at you. Look how you dress. You think the homeless look is cool? It may look ironic here on campus, but out there in the real world, it just looks moronic. People don’t know about your brilliant I.Q. They just see someone who looks like they can’t figure out how to use a laundromat.
PETER
That’s hard, man.
CHRIS
That’s the real world. So this party, Saturday… You got a pair of jeans without any holes, at least?
PETER
What? She’s going to show up looking like a toy soldier and you’re worried about me dressing normal?
CHRIS
Just look good for once.
PETER
Why? Because God tells me so, now I’m supposed to impress her instead of nailing her? You’re confused about which one of us thinks you’re God and which one of us knows better.
CHRIS
You know