Finding Me

by Stella Rainbow

  I didn’t know how long I sat there, crying my eyes out before warm arms wrapped around me and pulled me to my feet. I looked at Brady’s concern filled face and the tears started anew as he gathered me in a hug. I buried my face in his hair as I cried. Why wouldn’t the tears stop?

  “What’s wrong, sweetheart? Tell me please. You’re scaring me,” Brady murmured and ran his hands all over my back in long, comforting strokes. I drew warmth and strength from him because I felt so tired. So drained.

  “My brother…he saw some pictures of me…on facebook? I don’t know which, but he-he didn’t understand, Brady. He wants nothing to do with me. He’s my little brother, Brady.” My voice was hoarse and it kept breaking but I just couldn’t bring myself to care. Me and Law, we’d been a team so long and even though we hadn’t talked much in the past few months, I’d known he loved me. But now he didn’t. Not anymore.

  “I’m so sorry, Charlie,” Brady whispered and somehow, it didn’t sound like he was saying it to sympathize. He actually sounded apologetic. It was enough to make me pull away and look at him with a furrowed brow.

  “Why are you sorry?”

  He swallowed hard, his eyes wide as if he expected me to react badly as he spoke, “The pictures. I’m not sure but they could be from the pride party. I don’t remember who posted them, but I think they tagged you. I saw it on my feed a few days ago. I’m sorry, I should’ve told you. Or I should’ve at least told them to remove it since I knew you weren’t out to everyone. I’m so sorry, it’s all my fault.”

  “No!” I almost shouted, making Brady jerk back as if I’d slapped him. I pulled him closer and rested my forehead against his so he’d know I wasn’t mad. “No, Brady. It’s not your fault at all. It had to happen one day and I probably would’ve just kept delaying the inevitable.”

  My heart hurt every time I remembered Law’s words, but I knew I couldn’t let them hurt me, couldn’t let them ruin all the goodness in my life.

  “Charlie, if your brother doesn’t want anything to do with you, it’s his loss. I want you to remember that. You practically raised the guy and if this is how he repays you, then you’re better off without him.”

  I nodded and I hoped someday I would be able to believe that. For now, I wanted to stop thinking about him, about me, about everything.

  “I want to forget all of it, Brady. Will you help me forget?” I kissed him so he knew exactly what I was talking about, turning around and pressing him against the doorway as I plunged my tongue into his mouth. Though I usually liked giving up control, today I needed something else. I needed to know that I still had a hold on this part of my life, on Brady. I wanted to devour him and I wanted him to give himself to me freely.

  Brady pulled away with a gasp and his eyes gazed into mine for a few seconds, his green eyes dark with lust, as if trying to figure out what I needed. Then, thankfully, he nodded. “I love you, Charlie. I’m all yours. I’m here for whatever you want, whatever you need.”

  I nodded before pulling Brady into another kiss, pouring all the pain, love and desperation I felt into the kiss. I may not be ready to say the words yet, but I wanted Brady to know exactly how I felt about him. I kissed him like my life depended on it and my arms roamed over his body, tracing every dip and caressing every bit of skin I came across. I pulled away on a gasp and grabbed Brady’s hand, dragging him into the bedroom. With a glance to make sure Cherry wasn’t in the room, I closed the door before pushing Brady against it and burying my face in the crook of his neck. I licked the spot that I knew was especially sensitive, nipping and sucking at it as Brady moaned.

  I pulled away long enough to grab the hem of Brady’s shirt and pull it over his head before leaning back to drag him into another fierce kiss. My fingers trailed across his smooth skin, and I pinched his nipples lightly, eliciting another moan from him. My hands drifted downward and I traced his waistline before pushing his jeans and underwear off in one go.

  I pulled away from him and took a moment to admire his lust darkened eyes and his swollen, wet lips. My eyes trailed downward and my mouth watered at the sight of his dick standing proud, his tip a dark pink and begging me to lick it. I groaned low in my throat as I quickly got rid of my clothes before sinking to my knees. Over the past few months, I’d gotten pretty good at giving blowjobs. And I loved sucking Brady’s dick.

  I trailed my tongue from the base of his cock to the tip, moaning as a drop of precum hit my tongue, the salty taste of him washing over me. I gripped his length with one hand as I covered the tip worth my mouth, lapping at it with my tongue. My other hand drifted up to play with Brady’s balls and his hips jerked, pushing his dick deeper into my mouth. I moaned around his cock and I could feel him shudder at the vibrations. I’d never imagined being on my knees in front of someone could make me feel powerful, but as I lapped and sucked at Brady’s cock, I felt like the most powerful person in the world.

  “Shit, babe, I’m close,” Brady gasped out and I pulled away. I’d thought that I wanted to fuck him, wanted to claim him, but now I realized that I wanted him inside me. I wanted him to show me that I was still his, that he wanted me, all of me and that he wouldn’t let go. He whined in dismay as I stood up but I leaned down and picked him up in the fireman’s carry, walking over to the bed a few feet away and throwing him over the covers.

  Brady let out a low squeak as he fell against the mattress and shot me a glare, though it soon turned into a heated look as his eyes ran all over me. “I want to ride you,” I said, my voice slightly hoarse from the blow job. His eyes widened in surprise for a second before he nodded. He watched me as I grabbed the lube from the nightstand drawer and I bit my lip as I reached out for the condom. I looked up at him and wondered if I should ask what was on my mind. I didn’t want anything between us, but would he be okay with that?

  “I’m negative. I had a check-up a few months ago, haven’t been with anyone since,” Brady told me, reading my mind.

  “I got all the tests done before moving, they were negative. So…” I said with a shrug and Brady nodded.

  “We can go without, if you want.”

  I smiled at him before closing the drawer and walking over to the foot of the bed. I turned away from Brady so I knew my ass was facing him before pouring lube on my fingers. Brady groaned as he realized what I was doing and then I gave him a nice little show as I prepped myself. I wasn’t sure where this sudden confidence had come from, but I went with it, playing with my hole for Brady’s entertainment.

  Once I was ready, I turned around and crawled to Brady, straddling his hips as I leaned down to kiss him again. His lips were swollen and I traced my tongue against them, tasting them for all I was worth. I rubbed Brady’s cock with my lube slicked hand before positioning him against my hole as I kept kissing him.

  We both moaned against each other’s lips as I sank onto him, gasping at the perfect feeling of fullness as my ass touched his thighs. I waited a bit as I got used to the feeling, my lips trailing across Brady’s jaw before kissing the hickey I’d given him. When I felt steady enough, I pulled up until just his tip remained inside me before slamming down, crying out as he hit my prostate.

  "Tell me I'm yours," I begged him, my voice hoarse from all the crying.

  "You're mine, Charlie. And I'm yours. And I'm never, ever letting you go."

  I moved above him, the words a balm over my breaking heart. I trusted Brady. He'd never leave me. He'd met me at my worst and helped me become my best. He knew all of me and he loved all of me. He'd never leave me.

  I rested my elbows on either side of Brady’s head so I could keep kissing him as I rode him, the slapping sound of us coming together echoing across the room.

  After a few thrusts, Brady started flexing his hips, pushing upwards every time I slammed my hips and it wasn’t long before I was shouting his name as I came untouched. Brady drilled into me a few more times before calling out my name as he came inside me, filling me with his cum. I couldn’t help but think he’d
marked me as his. And I couldn't help but love the idea.

  It took me a few minutes to gather enough energy to pull away and slump down beside him, wincing as he slid out of me. I knew I needed to get us cleaned up, but I didn’t want to move. Didn’t want to go back to reality where I’d have to think about things I just wanted to forget.

  So I snuggled into Brady, resting my cheek against his chest and smiling as his arm immediately pulled me closer. I breathed in his fruity scent, made only better with the scent of sex and sweat mixed in and closed my eyes. I’d clean us up in a minute.

  20 | Brady

  I tapped my foot on the concrete sidewalk as I leaned against Charlie’s car and waited for them to get back. Jo had dragged them to a crafts shop around the corner to get supplies for tomorrow’s hobby class. I needed them to get back. Now. Because I had plans. Big plans that I needed to go exactly as I wanted them to.

  Once Charlie got back, I’d ask them to drive to my place and then we’d spend a few hours cuddling and watching TV. Then, I would cook a nice dinner for them—I'd been practicing for the last week—and after that I’d ask them to move in with me. Or I’d ask them if they wanted to move in together because frankly, my house was pretty tiny and I adored theirs. I was ninety percent sure they’d say yes, despite the fact that they hadn’t told me they loved me yet. That didn’t matter, though, because I knew they did. I could see their love in every soft glance, every sweet peck on the lips and in every small gesture they made. They might not be ready to say the words but they never hesitated to show me exactly how they felt.

  The thought made me smile as I scrolled through my Instagram, wishing they would get here soon because I couldn’t wait to get them alone. The sound of running footsteps made me frown and a wheezy gasp of my name made me look up to see Jo running towards me. They came to a stop a few yards away, panting heavily as they clutched their side. I rushed to them, grabbing their arm as I looked around for Charlie. Hadn’t the two been together?

  “What happened? What’s wrong?” I asked, as a cold shiver raced up my arm. Something was wrong. I could feel it.

  “My brothers! They showed up…with bats and stuff. Charlie…” Jo gasped out, still too breathless to string sentences but I’d heard enough to guess what was wrong.

  “Where? Where are they?”

  “’Round the corner, in the alley.”

  I pushed my phone in their palm and told them to call 911 as I started running. I knew Jo’s brothers, I’d seen them lurking around the Voice Out building a few times when Jo had first come in. They were a bunch of homophobic assholes and I had no idea how far they would go in their hate. They were also huge. I really hoped Charlie would be okay. They’d already been so sad over the past few weeks because of their asshole brother, I didn’t want them to be in even more pain.

  My steps faltered as I rounded the corner and stepped into the dark alley. A gasp left my mouth as my eyes fell on Charlie’s prone form on the dank, concrete floor. The men Jo had told me about were nowhere to be found and though a part of me wanted to find them and hurt them for what they did to Charlie, I couldn’t leave them alone. My eyes fell on the pool of blood around their head and all thoughts of the men fled my mind as I raced to their side. No, this couldn’t be happening. I’d just found them. I couldn’t lose them so soon.

  I fell to my knees before them, my hands shaking as I pressed two fingers against their neck, sighing when I felt a pulse. It was weak, but it was there.

  I knew Jo had dialed 911 as soon as I left, so I grabbed Charlie’s hand, squeezing it tightly as I waited for the ambulance to arrive. I shrugged out of my jacket, wishing I’d worn something thicker and softer as I pressed the flimsy cloth against their head in the hopes to stop the bleeding. It was then that my eyes fell on the blood coating their stomach and I realized their head wasn’t the only place injured. I shrugged out of my shirt and pressed the cloth against their stomach, holding on as tightly as I could.

  I didn’t even realize I was crying until a teardrop fell on Charlie’s forehead. Once I saw that single drop, though, it felt like a dam had broken and I couldn’t stop the tears from flowing.

  I pressed my lips together and sobbed quietly. Where the hell was the fucking ambulance? “Don’t leave me, Ceebee. I don’t know what I’d do without you. Don’t leave me, you hear? I love you. I need you.”

  The sound of sirens approaching made me sit up and then it was a blur of EMTs and cops hurrying out to us. The officers tried to get a statement from me but I knew I’d be no use until I knew Charlie was okay, so I directed them towards Jo, who had come back to the scene.

  I told the medics I was Charlie’s fiancé so they’d let me tag along and climbed into the ambulance before they could argue. As soon as the ambulance started driving, the medics hooked Charlie up to an IV and covered his face with a mask. One of them wrapped their head in gauze while another treated the wound on their abdomen. I tuned out what they were saying because I knew hearing how bad it was would only make me panic more.

  I wasn’t a religious man since I’d grown up in a house where science and rationale were always given more credit, but at that moment, I prayed. I prayed to any God who would listen to let Charlie be okay because if I lost them…if I lost them, I wasn’t sure if I would survive.

  I held Charlie’s hand as I watched their chest move as they took slow, shallow breaths. I couldn’t imagine how much it would hurt to breathe when they woke up, since they had so many bruised ribs. I also couldn’t stop watching their breathing. I was scared that the moment I looked away, their chest would stop moving. It was an irrational fear, but then again most fears were. My hand tightened on theirs at the thought of them not breathing and I shuddered in the uncomfortable plastic chair I’d installed myself in an hour ago.

  Charlie would wake up. They had to wake up.

  I remembered how upset they’d been the past few weeks. They’d tried to hide it from me, but I’d known. Their brother’s reaction had hurt them worse than they had let on and now this. Why couldn’t people just let others live their life like they wanted to and be happy for them? Why did they have to hurt people when they could just let them be?

  I’d asked these questions to myself so many times while I’d worked with kids at Voice Out, but never before had I wanted the answers as badly as I did now.

  I decided at that moment—albeit a bit impulsively—that if Charlie did not wake up by this evening, I’d go up to New York and give their little brother a piece of my mind. I also needed to tell him what had happened, since technically he was still Charlie’s only living family that I knew of. The ball would be in his court then and I wanted to know if all his love for his sibling had really been weak enough that he wouldn’t care that they had almost died.

  Then I realized that I couldn’t leave Charlie alone in this cold, sterile room. And what if they woke up and realized I wasn’t there? What would they think of me?

  I shouldn’t have worried though, because just then the door to the private room we were in opened and Mama D strode in. Before the door closed, I thought I glimpsed Luke and maybe even Angie standing outside the room, waiting for their turn to come in.

  “Are you okay, sweetie?” Mama D asked and I shrugged, my eyes straying back to Charlie’s chest and resuming their watch because I. Just. Couldn’t. Stop. Watching.

  All I could think about was Charlie lying on my couch with Cherry asleep on their chest, grinning as her long hair tangled in their beard. Or the smile on their face the time they had finally managed to use eyeliner without messing up. Or the way they had smiled at me just this morning, before they had left with Jo and right before everything had gone to shit. What if that was the last time I’d see their smile? The doctor had said Charlie would be okay but what if something went wrong? What if I lost them? Would I be able to survive that?

  A sob broke out of me at the thought and then I was enveloped in a warm, motherly hug. I pressed my face against Mama D’s stomach, holding
on to her with one arm as my other hand stayed curled around Charlie’s.

  Mama D murmured comfortingly as she held me and I couldn’t stop crying as I finally let myself feel all the fear and anxiety I’d tried to push away over the past few hours. I cried until I had no more tears left and Mama D held on to me through it all even as my tears soaked the front of her shirt.

  “They’ll be okay, bebé. You just wait and see. And we’re all here to help the both of you as much as we can, okay? You’ve got a big ass family at your beck and call and there’s absolutely nothing you need to worry about except keeping your pretty face tear free for when they wake up. You don’t want to scare them away with your blotchy, tomato-face, do you?”

  I chuckled wetly against her stomach. It took me another few minutes to calm myself enough that I could move away from the safety and comfort her arms offered.

  I looked up at her, my eyes burning from all that crying and she gave me a soft smile. Grabbing the huge handbag she carried everywhere, she pulled out some Kleenex before grabbing my chin and wiping my face like a mom wipes her toddler’s.

  “All that pretty makeup ruined,” she murmured and I rolled my eyes, silently thanking her for lightening up the situation. She kissed my forehead before moving away and throwing the wipes in the trash can under the bed. She pulled out a bottle of water and a fucking sandwich from her bag and handed me the water bottle.

  I wondered what all she kept in that bag as I drank the water, surprised at how thirsty I’d been. When I was done, I wiped my mouth and handed the bottle back to her as I asked, “Is that Hermione’s bag?”

  I took the sandwich she held out for me. I didn’t dare decline it, even though I wasn’t really hungry. “No. Who’s that?” Mama D gave me a puzzled look as she rummaged through her bag. Oops, wrong person for the joke. Luke would’ve gotten it.

  “Nothing. Mama D…how did you get in here?” I asked, only now realizing that she wouldn’t have been allowed in here since she wasn’t a member of Charlie’s family.