Changes
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2. Identify what is truly important. (Evaluation)
When we set goals for ourselves it is helpful to identify what is truly meaningful to us. Once accomplished, goals may reveal new meaning and value in our lives. Furthermore, accomplishment in and of itself may open up new meaning to us. Asking ourselves what is truly important with every accomplished goal can direct us to the next steps in the overall process.
3. What are the pros and cons of quitting? (Evaluation)
Making lists is very important. You may be surprised to discover that something so simple can be so useful! Oftentimes, when we write out pros and cons, it can help us see the bigger picture and assess our decisions more clearly. When considering whether or not to keep moving toward a goal, it can be particularly helpful to see the options written out in front of you. Evaluate the consequences of continuing to work for it and the consequences of shifting focus.
4. How can you learn from this situation, even when you think you’ve mastered it? (Persistence)
Sometimes we believe we have mastered a task when it is no longer challenging. Without a challenge we are liable to simply go through the motions, lose interest, and turn away from our work before the end goal is reached. Repetition can also become tedious and ultimately discouraging. However, there are ways to keep curiosity and motivation thriving in such situations. Here are a few questions to ask yourself:
How would I teach this activity to a beginner?
How can I shift my perception to gain a better understanding of it?
Is there a way I can continue toward my goal, but vary the work so it feels less repetitive and boring?
How can I add a challenge in order to keep moving forward and stay engaged?
If this is a personal development goal, how can it be applied to a professional goal or vice versa?
5. Who else benefits from the continued work? (Significance)
When looking at goals and continuing to work toward them, it can be easy to think only about ourselves. One strategy to stay motivated toward accomplishing goals is to consider others. Whether they are professional goals or personal development goals, there are always other people involved, either directly or indirectly. Ask yourself the following, “How does my decision impact others, both in the short term and long term?”
Chapter 2 Activity
Where do you find motivation?
Use the following steps to uncover your motivation. See the instructions in the previous pages to work through each of the steps.
Step 1: Create an inventory of strengths.
Step 2. Take note of your excitement!
Step 3. Take a stand!
Step 4. Get additional resources.
3
What’s Your Story?
My grandmother hosts an annual party called “Christmas in July,” which is often held in August. No, I don’t know why. The day of the party there is rarely a dull moment, even during the preparations. I am always reminded of how entertaining the hustle and bustle can be: deciding by committee who is going to make which dish, who will take on which cleaning chore, who is going to pick up the ice, which glass (water, red wine, white wine, etc.) goes where . . . In addition to family, the guest list includes friends who have been so close for so long that they feel like family. These are mostly friends I grew up with who have stayed in the area and now attend with families of their own. The party is especially important to me because it gives me the chance to reconnect with these loved ones whom I don’t get to see as often as I’d like now that I live five states away.
I grew up in the Midwest between Milwaukee and Chicago on a horse farm that borders a beautiful, wooded state park. The farm was a horse boarding business during most of my childhood. Our clients would rent stalls and pasture from us and we would take care of their horses. It was and still is an environment filled with activity, fun, and lots of work.
If you haven’t been to the Midwest, then you should go. Yes, I know, it’s not on the way to anything, but there are lots of pockets of entertaining cities, beautiful countryside, and friendly people. If you do go, don’t go in the winter unless you are partial to deep snow and bone chilling wind. The summers are beautiful.
That’s one glimpse into my life. One piece of my story. Every time I return home, I recall how much I have to be grateful for. And I am particularly grateful for all of the values that I associate with home. The following are a few values that stand out:
WORK ETHIC
I spent a fair amount of my early years shoveling horse shit and probably just as much time complaining about it. The never-ending piles, the never-ending calls to get back out to the barn, the rough weather that added insult to injury . . . But now, all these years later, I’m grateful for the experience. Funny how time changes perspective. Looking back, I realize that some of my most tedious chores held many important lessons. Today, whenever I return to the farm, I am glad that I can still contribute. In the fall/winter, there’s chopping wood for the stove. In the summer and spring, there are animals to feed, outbuildings calling for upkeep, and acres of landscaping that require tending. It may seem counterintuitive, but I look forward to these tasks. Growing up on a farm—where there is always something to do—taught me the value of hard work. A strong work ethic is a common trait in all the role models I have had over the years, especially in those who are truly successful. Hard work pays off. Always.
HUMOR
My friends and family are hilarious . . . At least, we think so. If there is such a thing as a particularly Midwestern sense of humor, I find it to be sarcastic, dry, and mildly self-deprecating. I’m not sure that my description distinguishes it from other regional senses of humor, but I know it when I encounter it, and it’s close to my heart. Frankly, it’s another reason I visit home. My grandmother, the Christmas in July party hostess, is funny without even trying to be. If you were to meet her, it’s likely you would consider her the kindest person you’d met in a long while. But just go and upset her Christmas in July agenda, and you’ll see another side. Fair warning, it’s intense. She once bit a police officer. But that’s another story. Thankfully for her and the officer, no major injuries or charges ensued.
Grandma aside, perhaps, my family rolls with punches by finding the humor in both life’s ups and its downs. My aunt is a great catalyst for this. Her keen observations of the irony of situations or of people’s quirks and baffling behaviors somehow keep us all on our toes and in good spirits. As my family masterfully demonstrates to me every time I’m with them, humor is invaluable in de-stressing, changing perspective, and shifting the tone on your worst day. It’s all too easy to become too analytical, serious, and defensive. I owe a debt of gratitude to all my friends and family who can always make me laugh, cheer me up, or convince me to take myself less seriously.
NATURE
Growing up, I spent many hours in the state park that borders our farm. I wandered in the woods, build forts, hiked around, looked for animals, rode bikes with friends, and just enjoyed being outside. I remember going for walks in the woods as a teenager to escape some of the angst, drama, and stress that often accompany those years. Now when I return home, I still go on walks in the woods for exercise or to de-stress. There is also the added bit of nostalgia now.
For me, being in a rural environment is more relaxing. Even though my family’s farm is filled with work, it is also filled with a sense of deep connection to the elements. Taking a break from the hustle, traffic, and commerce that defines city life is a great way to gather new energy. It can be so easy to get swept away with the to-do lists, the constant technological distractions, and rapid pace of life that we all-too-frequently excuse as normal. Making contact with nature allows me to step back, take a deep breath, and ground myself.
These are a just a few aspects of my story for which I am grateful.
So, now you might ask, “What does gratitude or storytelling have to do with creating change or reaching goals?”
Let me explain.
In my work as a coach, organizational consultant, and therapist, I have seen people make changes in their life that seemed nearly impossible beforehand. I have seen wisdom and insight come out of the most infuriating, heartbreaking, and seemingly hopeless personal stories.
While we may be shaped by our stories, we also have the opportunity to reshape them and, by extension, ourselves. This is where perception comes in. By acknowledging our story and the lessons within it, we create a new story, one that reinforces our strengths instead of pointing to our weaknesses or victimization. Consider what you have learned and how you have grown rather than how you have suffered. Processing pain is valuable, don’t get me wrong, but there are consequences to letting it continue to shape you. This simple shift in perception will change your life.
What lessons can you learn from your story? For which aspects of your story are you most grateful?
CHAPTER 3 ACTIVITY
Your turn! Time to write down a few significant stories from your life, as I have. I suggest three short accounts. These could be simple memories, significant life events, or poignant moments that stand out.
After you’ve completed each story, write down three lessons you take from it. Remember that it’s important to explore how each story may mean something different to you now than it did back then. Recounting and reflecting on these stories allow you to build the muscle of perspective.
SECTION TWO: HEART
“If your emotional abilities aren’t in hand, if you don’t have self-awareness, if you are not able to manage your distressing emotions, if you can’t have empathy and have effective relationships, then no matter how smart you are, you are not going to get very far.”
—Daniel Goleman
You are not your emotions. Our emotions can be our greatest companions and our most ruthless masters. They can lead us to great heights of bliss and into depths of unimaginable pain. When making a life change, our emotions play a significant role in our success and stagnation.
While we are influenced by our emotions, we can choose how much we listen to their constant call. We can implement specific strategies to manage our emotions effectively, rather than become enslaved by them. Emotions serve us better when they bring us closer to reality than when they dictate reality.
If you feel that your emotions have the reins, you need to understand that you can take back control. You can direct your life the way you want it to go. The narratives dictated by our emotions can be rewritten. We can recover from pain, heartache, death, and so much more. We are resilient.
A better understanding of our emotional selves can offer us incredible insight into our wisdom, connection, empathy, and stressors. If you are willing to be brave and embrace all aspects of your emotional self, you can create positive change in a new way.
This section explores some of the ways emotion influences the change process. You’ll also find specific strategies you can implement to develop a more effective emotional self. Exploring our emotions can be overwhelming at times. Be patient, be brave, and let your heart remain open.
4
Emotional Intelligence – Professional and Personal
What is emotional intelligence? Emotional intelligence is the ability to understand, influence, and communicate emotions, both yours and those of others. That’s a short definition, at least.5 Leading authority, Daniel Goleman, expands the term to include four areas of emotional intelligence: self-awareness, self-management, social awareness/empathy, and relationship management.6 There are other understandings of the term, but Goleman’s basic framework is well-accepted.
The measure of emotional intelligence is referred to as emotional quotient (EQ), though the terms are often used interchangeably. For the purposes of this chapter, we’ll use the term EQ going forward.
Fortunately for us, EQ can be developed, unlike your intelligence quotient (IQ), which is relatively stable over time. There are many ways to improve our EQ. As research continues to mount, a strong relationship between EQ and success in the business world has emerged from the data.
For instance, according to Talent Smart, which tested 34 important workplace skills, it was found that emotional intelligence is one of the strongest predictors of peak performance in all types of jobs.7 It appears that EQ is a key component in team functionality, leadership, communication, among other areas. In my experience, I have witnessed clients develop EQ and practice it across all areas of life.
How to Improve Emotional Intelligence
Often, organizations will solicit executive or leadership coaches to work with employees to build emotional intelligence. These coaches employ assessment tools that help cultivate empathy and enhance understanding of the strengths, blind spots, and stressors of individuals and teams. The EQ training that consultants and coaches provide is another way to improve the overall performance of the organization, from the individual to teams, across all departments. Leaders benefit greatly from building EQ skills.
Three Ways Leaders can Improve EQ:
1. Build empathy for employees by exploring strengths and specific leadership styles and determining how these styles can complement others within the organization. For instance, consider educating yourself on a model called Situational Leadership.8 This model provides a simple strategy to understand the various ways to lead particular employees. The idea is that leaders take into account an employee’s experience and motivation as they pertain to a particular job, task, or project and then apply the leadership style that best fits that particular profile. For example, an employee that has limited experience with a certain task but is highly motivated may respond well to a leadership style that is more directive and hands-on.
2. Improve EQ as a leader by practicing more self-care, self-reflection, and self-awareness. This may sound counterintuitive, but focusing on self-care (see more in chapter 11) allows us to reduce stress, be less reactive, and handle pressure with more grace. Self-reflection and self-awareness build our capacity to understand our own strengths and weaknesses and recognize our blind spots, without which, both EQ and leadership suffer. As a leader, it may be challenging to receive feedback, communicate effectively, and understand others’ needs without putting aside time to attend to your own needs.
3. Explore communication styles with the goal of understanding your own strengths and overcoming your challenges in how you communicate with employees. There are specific assessments you can utilize that explore how you communicate in great depth. My firm, Arc Integrated, uses an assessment called The Advanced Insights Profile to help teams and leaders examine their unique ways of communicating and understand how their differences can actually be leveraged to their advantage. This examination leads to greater empathy, better organizational practices, and clearer communication within the business as well as with customers.
To some, developing one’s self as an emotionally intelligent leader may sound like too much work for too little reward. To others, it may come across as psychobabble. But more and more evidence suggests that there are major benefits to cultivating emotional intelligence. Raising EQ boosts organizational performance across the board, from productivity to rapport to leadership.
The Graduate School of Applied and Professional Psychology at Rutgers University assembled an excellent argument for the close relationship between emotional intelligence and business success, offering 19 examples of how EQ contributes to the bottom line.9 For example, in a 1990 article in The Journal of Marketing it was found that a store manager’s ability to manage stress directly related to a retail chain’s success as measured by net profits.10 In another example, a manufacturing pl
ant whose workers had recently received emotional intelligence training saw a 17 percent increase in production.11 According to a sourcebook of three decades of research by The Center for Creative Leadership, there is evidence to show that the primary causes for derailment in executive careers involve deficits in emotional intelligence.12 These deficits include difficulty working in teams, problems with interpersonal relations, and challenges handling change.
Being an emotionally intelligent leader doesn’t mean losing track of specific goals or directives. It also doesn’t mean ignoring data that often drives executive decisions. In essence, possessing high emotional intelligence may simply mean being adaptable in how we engage with others.
Leadership is certainly not limited to the organization. We can improve our leadership skills as individuals by understanding how we interact as friends, partners, and family members. Building our own leadership skills by increasing our EQ is always a valuable pursuit. Life presents plenty of opportunities to practice how we behave with those in our professional and personal circles.
Here are some aspects of your personal life that will benefit from improved leadership skills and increased EQ.
DEFINING LEADERSHIP BEYOND THE ORGANIZATION
Leadership can be distilled to a simple definition: guiding and influencing others. We are all leaders in some realm of our lives. Whether at work, at home, or in our community, we have the chance to lead. Each of us affects those around us in all situations. And whether this effect is positive or negative depends on our thoughts and behaviors as we walk through all aspects of life.