Changes

by Michael Diettrich-Chastain

  THE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT LEADER AS A PARENT

  Parents are leaders in the household. Everything they do has significance, as well as everything they don’t do. They guide and influence their children with every action and inaction. Their communication style makes an impact. Parents have an important and unique opportunity to contribute to the foundation of children’s emotional and communicative development.

  Emotional Intelligence is crucial to how we communicate and collaborate in raising children. The ramifications of parenting with high emotional intelligence are evident in children as they grow into independent adults. They carry their deeply instilled behaviors with them into the world. Consider the consequences of leading in your household with high emotional intelligence.

  Teaching children to communicate their feelings at an early age helps them develop their own emotional intelligence. How you frame emotional expression is important too. Effectively communicating a wide spectrum of emotions as a parent can help children understand their own feelings. It also teaches them how to express different emotions in healthy ways appropriate to each. It should be noted that the hiding or shaming of emotions often has negative consequences on EQ.

  Guiding children in the expression of their emotions and helping them to recognize emotions in others helps them build strong EQ. It also gives them a deeper understanding of collaborating and communicating with high emotional intelligence at an earlier, more impressionable age.

  To teach children how to express themselves and recognize emotion in others is just as important as their academic education, perhaps even more so. Given its implications on careers and relationships, EQ is clearly a crucial part of personal development.

  The risks of failing to develop emotional intelligence are great for individual, family, and community. For example, according to a 2007 study cited in The Journal of Personality and Individual Differences, which explored EQ in almost 8,000 individuals, higher emotional intelligence is associated with better physical health.13 Research continues to be published, but if we can reasonably assume that there is a strong relationship between EQ and health, then shouldn’t this drive us toward focusing on EQ as a non-negotiable component of good parenting? Effective communication skills, coupled with emotional literacy, are influential factors across all of our relationships, both intimate and professional.

  THE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT LEADER AS A ROMANTIC PARTNER

  As a quick preface, it’s important that I clarify what I mean by “good leadership,” especially in the context of a romantic partnership. Good leadership (in any context) is neither domineering, nor inflexible. Good leaders are those who take responsibility, demonstrate excellent communication skills, show a willingness to take feedback, and work to inspire rather than to instill fear. Good leaders are willing to show vulnerability. These attributes are essential for healthy romantic relationships.

  A well-developed ability to understand ourselves, communicate, and empathize with others becomes particularly important in regard to our significant others. But how does one lead with these qualities? Building a strong connection and leading with emotional intelligence in relationships can be expressed in a number of ways. Consider these tips to practice emotional intelligence with your partner:

  Practice showing empathy, being curious, and asking questions. Instead of making assumptions about your partner, remain committed to truly understanding his/her feelings, perspectives, and states of being. When you notice judgement creep in, take a step back, and attempt to reframe matters so that the focus is on him/her, not your knee-jerk reaction.

  Explore your own assumptions and feelings and be willing to share this exploration. A willingness to be vulnerable with your partner is vital to a healthy relationship. Offering an invitation to connect on a deeper level is a strategy shared by strong leaders as well as those with high EQ.

  THE EMOTIONALLY INTELLIGENT LEADER AS A FRIEND

  Evaluating friendships is something many of us put off because it requires a level of honesty that can lead to uncomfortable revelations. Your first challenge is to clarify what kinds of friendships you want to cultivate. The second, and often more difficult challenge, is to define how you want your current friendships to evolve.

  Being an emotionally intelligent leader in friendships doesn’t entail guiding friends’ behavior. Being a leader is about setting an example, inspiring, establishing clear boundaries, and living in congruence with your own values and principles. It is possible to demonstrate these leadership attributes in any relationship at any time. We can be the model of what kind of relationship we want.

  Consider these tips for being an emotionally intelligent leader in a friendship:

  Understand your own boundaries, values, and principles, and be willing to communicate them. Some people may be taken aback, but if you are clear about who you are and where you stand, your message will resonate, especially with the kinds of friends who most closely identify with you.

  Communicate the kind of friendship that you expect in return by modeling the dynamic you wish to create. This means that if you want a relationship to include vulnerability, direct and authentic feedback, humor, and maybe even a push for continued development, be the first one to offer these elements. However, in talking about friendship dynamics I don’t mean to imply that the matter is so explicitly transactional. The point is that if you want to emphasize a certain dynamic in the relationship, be the one to initiate the change. Communicating clearly with friends about your own expectations, feelings, and experiences is a sign of strong EQ. This kind of communication will help to build stronger connections in current friendships and future ones as well.

  Be curious about the goings on in the lives of your friends. When in conversation, listen carefully and try to respond with genuine enthusiasm. Sincere curiosity will strengthen your connections and impress upon your friends that you are invested in what they have to say. If you repeatedly find yourself disengaged in a particular person’s company, then perhaps the dynamics of that relationship need to change or maybe the friendship has simply run its course. I’m not recommending that you go cutting people out of your life left and right, but evaluating things can be helpful. Remember to remain curious about who they are, the messages they have, and the dynamic of your relationship.

  CHAPTER 4 ACTIVITY

  As you’ve read, there are plenty of opportunities to improve and practice EQ. Now is your chance to put it to work.

  Track your emotional intelligence development across your various life domains. Note what is successful and consider how to translate each success into other areas of your life. For instance, if you’ve been able to build empathy for those at home, consider how you can transfer that empathy for those at work. Write down your stories and track the development of your own EQ across the following areas of your life.

  Emotional Intelligence at Work

  Emotional Intelligence as a Parent/Child

  Emotional Intelligence in Romantic Partnership

  Emotional Intelligence in Friendship

  5

  Trusting Your Intuition

  Oxford defines intuition as “The ability to understand something instinctively, without the need for conscious reasoning.”14 Today, the notion of intuition is greeted with much confusion, debate, and skepticism. At the very least, it raises a whole host of questions.” For instance, how do you differentiate between what your heart says and an old pattern of behavior? What is the difference between intuition and fear? These are questions I’ve fielded frequently in my career and attempted to answer in my own life. In this chapter, I want to offer some tools I find helpful in exploring when to trust intuition.

  First, let’s look at some research on intuition. According to a study by researchers at University of Iowa College of Medicine published in Science magazine, subjects often relied on intuition before relying on conscious knowledge even when solving complex problems in different scenarios.15 One scenario involved a card game in which partic
ipants had to choose from two decks, one stacked with opportunities to win, the other rigged to lose. Reaching for the bad deck elicited a physical response from subjects (their palms started sweating). This physical response occurred before participants reported a conscious awareness about which deck was stacked in their favor.

  Another study looked at intuition as it relates to major life decisions, such as buying a car. It concluded that people who trust their intuition from the outset often end up happier than those who analyze decisions and end up deciding against their own intuition.16 It should be noted that consensus on the subject has yet to be reached. Scientists, especially psychologists, continue to debate the nature of intuition.

  Some believe intuition comes from the reptilian part of the brain, which taps into an unconscious awareness of danger. Without going into too much detail, this is the part of the brain that is responsible for the “fight, flight, or freeze” reaction. Others regard intuition as tapping into the unconscious and processing stored information that is perhaps difficult or near impossible for our conscious mind to access.17 Others consider intuition as a way to tap into a more esoteric, universal knowledge. According to this perspective, intuition is a path to a greater truth.

  Putting the debate aside, the overwhelming majority of articles, papers, and books written on the subject do at least agree on one thing: your intuition is worth listening to for a variety of reasons.

  I often live by my intuition, perhaps too much so at times. I have allowed my intuition to guide decisions on career, relationships, where to live, and many other things. Almost always, I’m glad I listened to my gut. Regardless of how much you decide to listen to your intuition, taking a closer look at it will be valuable. Without examining our intuition, we forfeit one of the greatest tools available to us.

  When I was considering graduate schools, I researched many programs, as is usual for the process. I finally landed on a school in the mountains of North Carolina. I was drawn to its unique program curriculum, especially its emphasis on Body Centered Therapy. (I’ll elaborate on the importance of the mind/body connection in the “Nourishment” section of the book.) The stunning beauty of the mountains of Western NC was definitely a draw for me too. After some additional research, I realized that the recommended deadline for application had passed. Applicants had been admitted and there was already a waiting list. At this point, the logical option was to wait until the following year to apply. Especially since my GRE (a test most graduate schools require) scores were just below the minimum threshold.

  But the pull the school had on me convinced me that this was supposed to be. So, following my intuition, I applied for the program right then anyway. I followed up by arranging a visit to the campus for a face-to-face introduction with professors and administrators. I traveled from Wisconsin (where I was living at the time) down to North Carolina, toured the campus, met with faculty/staff, and spent considerable time chatting with the head of the program who encouraged me to apply again the following year.

  After my visit, I knew my intuition was correct. This was the school I would attend, even if I had to wait a while for admission.

  Upon my return home I explored possible scenarios to pursue for the next year: continue with my current job, explore temporary employment, or make the move down to North Carolina near the graduate school and settle in while I waited to apply during the next round of admissions. As with most periods of uncertainty, this time was full of hesitation and second-guessing.

  And then one day, much to my surprise, I received a letter from the school informing me that I was accepted into the program . . . that year! Apparently, after considering all the intention, interest, and seriousness I had expressed in the interviews, they had waived the mandatory test scores and accepted me to the program.

  Fast forward to graduation. I finished the program with a flawless record. I also ended up forming a close friendship with the department head, whom I met on my original visit. He was a significant mentor during my education.

  This story certainly involves initiative and effort, which was critical, but what was most enlightening for me was the intuition aspect. I could have pursued admission into plenty of other schools, many of which were easier to get into, but I didn’t. Something almost instinctual directed me toward this particular school and this draw was the catalyst for all that followed.

  I see intuition play a part in the lives of almost all of my coaching clients. Intuition is also involved in my consultations with corporations on workplace culture, leadership, EQ, and team effectiveness. Typically, coaches are there not just to give answers to questions, but also to help clients explore challenges, evaluate resources, and set goals. You might even say that coaches help clients unearth truths deep within themselves but perhaps out of their conscious awareness. In this way, they help clients access their own intuition.

  I have worked with many team and organization leaders whose biggest challenge is committing to the solution that they had already been considering. I’ve also worked with teams in which most members share a certain hesitation about one member. They know something needs to be addressed but are unsure how to communicate it, and this uncertainty makes them nervous. Usually, it’s an intuition that the team member in question is hindering the team.

  It’s a common misconception that because intuition defies explanation, others probably don’t feel the same way. I’ve seen it time and again: someone has an intuition about another member of the group but is too nervous to speak up because they think they’re the only one who feels that way. If and when they do speak up, what they often encounter is that their intuition was common among many group members all along, and that everyone else was just as nervous about saying something. What they dismissed as their own private thought turned out to be the elephant in the room.

  The only solution is to speak up. Once teams get comfortable with calling out what they intuit, they can move past challenges and conflict rapidly. Admittedly, this is not easy. It takes lots of practice and a willingness to deal with what can be a steep learning curve. Once it becomes status quo among members, gains in performance and productivity ensue.

  Similarly, I have worked with many leaders who have a sense that something needs to change, but aren’t quite sure what it is and how to change it. They may have heard general complaints among employees or management. In some cases, these leaders may just have an intuition that something is off. Perhaps there is something about their leadership that just isn’t working. Whatever it is, they don’t know how to approach their organization about it. The challenge then becomes building in strategies for collecting feedback regularly as well as employing more effective communication practices. Learning how to let go of control or ego in order to truly hear the feedback also comes into play. Listening is an art and a science.

  When I work with clients on interpersonal dynamics within the team or leadership, they usually speak up about their intuitions. We usually discuss things like transparency, communication, how to resolve conflict, or how to give feedback for example. I cannot think of a time when a leader or team member I’ve worked with followed their intuition and didn’t find value from the decision. Not that intuition is correct 100 percent of the time, but following it always leads to some lesson or discussion. In short, there is always much to be gained.

  Here are some helpful strategies to explore when considering your own intuition:

  Evaluate How this Decision Relates to Old Patterns

  Does the decision you are leaning toward fit into a habit or pattern for you, or would you describe it as more of an instinct? If you are unsure if it is an old habit or not, consider making a list of similar decisions you have had to make and how you’ve approached them. Hopefully this evaluation will reveal a pattern. You can then choose to either stick to your regular game plan or break the pattern if it doesn’t serve your success and development.

  Fear Wrapped Up in Intuition

  When you have a hunch regarding a certai
n decision, test to see if it is not actually fear in disguise. Fear, posing as intuition, can show up to prevent an action or decision that may be unfamiliar or uncomfortable. Just because something is uncomfortable doesn’t mean it isn’t valuable. This begs the question, “How does one distinguish intuition from fear?” It’s one of life’s biggest challenges, of course, and it requires a brutally honest and thorough assessment of your tendencies. The more you assess, the clearer the distinction will become. In your assessment, consider asking yourself the following questions:

  Is the decision I’m leaning toward based on what I think is safest? If so, is this tendency toward safety truly helping me at this moment? (For example, if you feel an inner resistance to exploring a new relationship because you don’t want to get hurt, ask yourself if this emotional self-preservation isn’t undermining your desire to be in a fulfilling relationship.)

  Does your behavior go beyond misguided self-preservation? Is there any self-sabotage connected to this hunch? In other words, could my decision be based on any previous pattern of finding opportunities and then undercutting them in a variety of ways?

  Is my decision somehow connected to a previous trauma of some kind? For example, could a hunch about a new job not working out relate in any way to a childhood of constantly being called a failure?

  If these questions are too challenging to explore on your own, consider working with a therapist or coach to help you unpack your truth. For more information on addressing fear, see Chapter 13. For more information on how to find the right therapist or coach, see Part Two.